/ck/ - Food & Cooking

[Anonymous No.6135744]

>girlfriend think I'm some master chef or some shit.
>follow recipes on allrecipes.com that sound tasty to me.
>don't really know shit about cooking.
>girlfriend invites foodies over for OMGBOYFRIENDMASTERCHEF dinner.
>what should I do? I can do basic things but have never done anything really amazing.

[Anonymous No.6135754]

>>6135744
Let's see that same picture but with a black man ironing a white baby girls ass and see how okay it is to post on /ck/.

[Anonymous No.6135758]

>>6135754
>white people
>sensitive for no reason
why?

[Anonymous No.6135762]

>>6135758
I had a traumatic experience when I was a child. This black woman kidnapped me and ironed my buttocks.

[Anonymous No.6135765]

>>6135744
Just cook passable food like you usually do. First of all they're probably well aware that she's talking you up, and second there are a lot of people out there for whom successfully following a recipe is genuinely impressive.

[Anonymous No.6135767]

btw i have a gf did i mention i have a gf cuz i have a gf

gf

[Anonymous No.6135768]

>>6135754
Fuck off you racist

[Anonymous No.6135769]

Ramen

Microwaved garlic baguette

[Anonymous No.6135772]

Just make something simple that you know how to make well. Act humble. If they turn out to be too good for your food then the hell with them.

>>6135762
I thought I was the only one

[Anonymous No.6135773]

>>6135744
Make fried chicken, mashed potatoes and biscuits and gravy and then try to pretend you didn't buy KFC.

[Anonymous No.6135785]

Make chicken carbonara. It's possible to fuck it up if you're retarded, so they'll probably be impressed assuming by "foodies" she means assholes who watch cooking channel/food network all day while spending all their money at eat at "hip" restaurants.

[Anonymous No.6135788]

Whatever you make, make sure you do an "aoili" whatever that is. I see it all the time on pretty mom food blogs where they talk about having their little children helping them cook.

[Anonymous No.6135794]

>>6135754
Let's see it with a white man ironing a black baby girl's ass. There would be an internet campaign to track down the culprits. It would be all over twitter, tumblr, and HuffPo. The FBI would get involved. The New York Times top story would read: "Internet Activists Seek to Identify Man In Controversial Photo"

[Anonymous No.6135808]

>>6135788
Oh, this would be great too. People love the word "aoili" even though it's literally mayo.

[Anonymous No.6135855]

>>6135744
Prepare for one of two results: to be bullied by elitists, or to be praised by people who really don't know a thing about food but think they do.

[Anonymous No.6135859]

>>6135855
>/ck/ was mean to me and I'm still mad

[Anonymous No.6135869]

>>6135808
>aioli is mayo
lol no

Learn to spell it first

[Anonymous No.6135870]

>>6135744
>I just follow recipes online, it's really not that big of a deal.

[Anonymous No.6135877]

>>6135869
It's pretty similar, not to mention that most restaurants in the US advertising aioli are just mixing shit in with mayo and serving it because customers don't know any better.

And I know how to spell it, but I was quoting someone who misspelled it, hence the "'s.

[Anonymous No.6135890]

>>6135877
>not to mention that most restaurants in the US advertising aioli are just mixing shit in with mayo and serving it because customers don't know any better.
Who gives a fuck what Applebee's does? That isn't my benchmark.

[Anonymous No.6135893]

>>6135890
Where do you live that has tons of restaurants that serve classic aioli made with just garlic, oil, and salt? Spain?

[Anonymous No.6135899]

>>6135893
Is aioli really a rarity in America? Sad. Now I can see why you guys make a big deal about "NO artificial flavours".

[Anonymous No.6135903]

>>6135899
Nearly every aioli I've been served was made with egg and is or very closely resembles mayo.

[Anonymous No.6135905]

>>6135744
What's your budget/equipment?

[Anonymous No.6135912]

>>6135744
beef wellington

[Anonymous No.6135915]

>>6135903
>Aioli or aïoli (/aJˈoʊli/; Provençal Occitan: alhòli [aˈʎɔli] or aiòli [aˈjɔli];[1] Catalan: allioli [ˌaʎiˈɔɫi]) is a Provençal sauce made of garlic, olive oil, lemon juice, usually egg yolks, and seasonings.[2] There are many variations, such as the addition of mustard. It is usually served at room temperature. The name aioli (alhòli) comes from Provençal alh 'garlic' (< Latin allium) + òli 'oil' (< Latin oleum).

>Aioli is, like mayonnaise, an emulsion or suspension of small globules of oil and oil-soluble compounds in water and water-soluble compounds. Egg yolk can be used as an emulsifier and is generally used in making aioli today. However, mustard and garlic both emulsify oil, and some variants such as Valencia allioli omit the egg.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aioli

Never had it, but it seems like egg is pretty common in aioli

[Anonymous No.6135970]

>>6135762
Why she gotta be black, huh??

[Anonymous No.6135988]

>>6135744
Watch youtube videos of that Food Wishes guy, OP.

Or cooking with dog whatever.

[Anonymous No.6136001]

The secret to flavor is salt, oil and other fats. Use all that in big quantities.

[Anonymous No.6136014]

>>6135744

You might just be surprised and these "foodie" people are just like you. They are people who like to cook and learn. Act humble, make what you would normally make, and tell them about it.

If they look down their nose at you be gracious, act kind, and never invite them into your fucking house for free food again.

[Anonymous No.6136026]

>>6135744
>OMGFRIENDMASTERCHEF
Hnnnngggg...
I fucking HATE that.
I made a 3 foot sub sandwich for a party as a last minute 'oh shit I don't have anything to bring' and years later one person still won't shut up about how it was the best sandwich evar!!! Then I'll make them something complicated and they're like, meh.

[Anonymous No.6136034]

Food is empirically better tasting if you're hungry, so you set the dinner hour like, 9 hours before you actually plan on starting. Keep them subdued with gags, rope and a sound proof closet. The ball gags are just so they can't eat, it's not redundant on top of the sound proofed closet. You don't want them breaking down and eating one another/their shoes.

[Anonymous No.6136240]

>>6135744
Just make Chef John's Chicken Tikka Masala. It has a ton of ingredients making it look complicated, but it's a simple as fuck, impossible to screw up recipe. I made it the first time a couple of weeks ago, fucked around and left the chicken on too long, couldn't tell the difference.

[Anonymous No.6136327]

>>6135744
just pray they dont ask you to explain what youre doing and youll be fine. maybe have the meal be something you can prepare ahead of time?

[Anonymous No.6136329]

>>6135744
Make general tso's chicken from scratch nigga.

[Anonymous No.6136511]

>>6135744
Gotta make some Sweet Sundae Ramen

[Anonymous No.6136547]

Chef here,

Aioli is just a sauce. Similar to mayo, yes, the steps to making an aioli properly is the exact same process. Egg is in mayo or aioli only acting as a binder via the egg yolk. This helps the sauce from separating. The only difference from aioli and mayo is that aioli is flavored where mayo is generally left plain. Hence different names(go figure).

[Anonymous No.6136823]

>>6135785
If you are going for Carbonara, do the real thing with bacon or pancetta. NEVER use any cream.

[Anonymous No.6136831]

>>6135744
braised lamb shoulder. Nothing is easier and more tasty than slow cooked meats.

[Anonymous No.6136834]

dump your gf op she knows your food is shit and she invited foodies over just to fuck with you

[Anonymous No.6136854]

>>6135744
Beet salad and smoked salmon canapes
Light, off-dry white wine

Roast chicken with pan sauce
Stuffed mushrooms
Mashed potatoes
Sauteed or roasted brussel sprouts
Sauce Mornay
Dry, full-bodied white wine

Butter cookies
Black coffee
Assorted liquors and liqueurs
Tobacco products

You can fully prepare the appetizers in advance and if you do your prep work in advance you'll even have free time while the entree course is cooking plus the dessert doesn't even take any prep work or cooking at all.

Or if you can't be bothered to give a damn and are just humoring your girlfriend then make a big pot of red chili, serve it with cornbread and beer lie about what's in it.

[Anonymous No.6136875]

Go with Thomas Keller's recipes for French onion soup and beef bourguignon. It's impossible to fuck up slow cooking, you just have to follow the directions and spend a lot of time waiting.

[Anonymous No.6136933]

The anon above who said that the guests need to be hungry is absolutely right.
Serve NO appetizers. Invite them a bit early and make sure that they are so entertained that they don't notice the lack of food and caloric beverages. Prepare something fancy but almost calorie-free to serve. Maybe water with unnecessary flavoring in it, aka cucumbers and mint and shit. Make selfmade icetea, extra fancy, with greentea and sweet herbs like fennel, anise, ginger and licorice. Add a little bit of fresh lemonjuice when it's chilled. Then put in lemonchunks, icecubes and mint. Or go with the wintery variante and have a fancy teabuffet. Just make sure to make the guests feel like adding sugar is ruining the taste and thus pleb (to avoid calories). Serve coffe. A fancy roast. Tell the same. That cream and sugar would be a sin in such an elaborate taste. Do a very funny and distracting game for a ling time. I would suggest sometihing borderline moraly wrong like cards against humanity.
In the meantime make the first course. The more courses the better. Servetiny portions and all should be low calorie until the maincourse that you want them to remember forever.
Make a hip salad. Use uncommon ingredients. Toss in fruits like figs, pomegranate or whatever you feel like. Ad some cheese. Go very light on the cheese! Then some fancy vinegar and herbs. Tiny tiny amount of oil. Pre-arange on plates in the kitchen and don't habd out second helpings. Maybe make a clear soup first to make the waiting even longer. Then for the maincourse, serve meat. Preferably lamb. It has to be really delicious. Lots and lots of fat and flavours. Get some uncommon veggies with it. To get people to like it add butter, salt and maybe even a bit of sugar. Try shit like barba di fratte.
Make some sidedish. Maybe mashed potatoes and carrots. Also, lots of butter , salt and nutmeg. Arrange portions on plates again. People will be more hesitant to ask for second helpings. Thats a good thing.

[Anonymous No.6136936]

>>6136933
You want them to feel just good. Not stuffed. Then wait a while before serving dessert. Get a round of coffee and some chattering. Then make something fat and sweet combined with refreshing fruits. Panna cotta is always good. Combine with any fruit you like. You can fill them with mangosauce for a twist.
Your guests will feel just right and think they had the most amazing dinner ever. After that, get alcohol in reasonable quantities. Serve as sweet and fruity drinks so everybody feels comfy and happy. Have another, drunk round of cards against humanity, laugh like maniacs. Make sure nobody gets so much alcohole that they can't go home anymore. You want them to wake up feeling light and well rested. Be prepared to get run over from people who want to dine at yours from that point forward. Good luck anon.

[Anonymous No.6136942]

>>6136875
beef bourguignon is the shit op. Do this.

[Anonymous No.6136943]

>>6135744
fuck all of them after administering sleeping potion

[Anonymous No.6136946]

There are two ways out OP

>Tell girlfriend you are insecure and do not feel you are a good cook
>explain this shit and get her to call it off
>find out she is sucking another master chef's dick a week from now

Or...

>Look at what meal you want to make
>make sure it is simple, easy to put together, and not many things you can fuck up on it
>buy the ingredients to make 50 plates of it right this moment
>get home and make this shit, over and over and over again
>plate it up and make it look like some spazzy head chef shit you see at a 5 star place that gives u small portions
>hopefully after 50 times making it it is good and won't come out bad when the guests arrive


Seriously OP, practice one meal over and over, say it was not your best day, if anyone calls your shit on it tell them you was just cooking for plebs so never went all out

[Anonymous No.6136978]

>>6135877
>logic
>I just added some CO2, flavorings and corn syrup to this water, but it's still water, not soda

[Anonymous No.6136986]

>>6135765
/thread

You probably don't need to concoct some elaborate scheme to impress your girlfriend's "foodie" friends. Just pick a recipe with bacon in it and serve it with Old Rasputin.

[Anonymous No.6136994]

>>6136240
do the recent persian rice recipe with this. bake quince or pear as dessert.

[Anonymous No.6137025]

>>6135877
>>6136978
Aioli is just egg, olive oil and garlic?
how is it not mayo and garlic?

[Anonymous No.6137057]

>Buy huge square plates
>Cook one portion
>Cut it up
>Arrange bits in the most obnoxious way you can think of, using a brush for the sauce
>Don't forget swirls, zigzags and drops

WA LA

[Anonymous No.6137079]

>>6135869
it essentially is garlic mayo tbh

[Anonymous No.6137084]

>>6135893
>just garlic, oil, and salt
uhhhh

[Anonymous No.6137087]

>>6137057
>square plates
gross

[Anonymous No.6137815]

>>6137057
>I'm just going to the shop to buy my black colored coke brand water

[Anonymous No.6137842]

oven roasted veggies and a chicken breast / steak with some kind of mashed potatoes

>>6137057
even better use triangle plates

[Anonymous No.6137867]

>>6136978
Why are there people who are so butthurt about aioli or whateverthefucktiscalled being similar to mayo? Are you just insecure about the fact that you might actually like pleb-food, so you have to give it a fancy name to sound high class?

[Anonymous No.6137870]

>>6137057

[Anonymous No.6137940]

>>6136933
You're a controlling cunt that hates fun, you know that? If you're having adults over, they're supposed to know how to entertain themselves, what they like to consume and, also, to show up hungry.

>no appetizers instead of light appetizers like olives, smoked fish, etc
>gimmicky flavored water instead of a glass of wine or a cocktail
>coffee before dinner
>telling people what to put in their coffee
>GUISE WE'RE PLAYING A GAME NOW, STOP TALKING

[Anonymous No.6137949]

>>6137867

aioli isn't the same as mayo because it has extra shit added to it

any restaurant that serves shit that they call aioli if it's just mayo mixed with other shit is retarded though

it should be called aioli if it's actually made from scratch because most people have no idea that it's essentially just a flavored mayo, so they would think that you just mixed mayo with shit if you called it a flavored mayo

[Anonymous No.6137968]

>>6137870
omg thats so gross

[Anonymous No.6137977]

Prepare a really weird kind of meat and if they grimace just tell them it's what it is supposed to taste like.

[Anonymous No.6138285]

>>6137968

it's fucking allioli you hacks

all i oli
garlic & oil

and you can do it without eggs

[Anonymous No.6138307]

>>6135744
>foodies
do people still use this word?

[Anonymous No.6138682]

>>6135744
>foodies
They're probably not, she's talking them up as well.

Spend more time than usual on presentation.

[Anonymous No.6138685]

>>6135915
shh you're discouraging the snobber

[Anonymous No.6138686]

Aioli is gay

[Anonymous No.6138687]

Just tell her you don't actually know shit and then order catering from some fancy place

[Anonymous No.6138741]

>>6135744
>Women

[Anonymous No.6141057]

Or you could go the opposite direction and open some cans of tuna, throw down some saltines and make a sub-par "meal"... And Im sure your girl would never put you in this predicament again. Be sure to wear a grease stained t-shirt that exposes your belly.

[Anonymous No.6141164]

>>6137842
>2015
>not using septagon plates
Might as well just eat off the floor like a Neanderthal

[Anonymous No.6141284]

>>6135788
underrated as fuck post, kek

[Anonymous No.6141704]

What sitcom are you living in? Just tell her you don't know how to cook then order something. This has to be bait.

The girl in that picture is hot so I don't mind.

[Anonymous No.6141736]

>>6141164

holy shit lol

[Anonymous No.6141859]

>>6136875
Fucking this. Or a Ratatouille with some good warm bread on the side.

Ain't hard OP.

[Anonymous No.6141910]

OP here. I was thinking about making stuffed pork chops with some super easy vegetable. Like a baked asparagus or bacony brussel sprouts.

Does this sound reasonable? I don't really want to cook forever that day. What should I stuff the chops with? Going to pass on the fancy mayonnaise too.

[Anonymous No.6141954]

>>6136854
I'll take the first two courses.

[Anonymous No.6141962]

>>6137870
I HAVE THAT EXACT SET OF TABLEWARE

THAT PLATE

THAT BOWL

THOSE SHAPES

THOSE PATTERNS


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

CAPCHA: KLONE

[Anonymous No.6143397]

>>6136823
Yep. Cheese+eggs is ALL the ingredients for the sauce. Cook that shit low heat and stir as a motherfucker

[Anonymous No.6143400]

>>6141859
Ratatouille is so overrated, NEXT

[Anonymous No.6143625]

>>6138285
Please tell how. It´s really hard to find the basic recipes with all the noise in the internwebs.

[Anonymous No.6143633]

>>6136823
pancetta mustard race

[Anonymous No.6143635]

>>6143397
nice 10th page ghost-bump, faggot

[Anonymous No.6143662]

>>6135744
If they are foodies, just sautee some grass from the front lawn in olive oil, serve with a side of mushrooms and overcooked steak.

Tell them its Rustic.

[Anonymous No.6144240]

>>6143625

All right friend, hold on because this is borderline alchemy right here if you want to make it the right way.

You get 2 or 4 garlic cloves (start small if you just want to get comfortable around it), olive oil in something you can slowly make it drip a pinch of salt and a teaspoon of lemon juice. You skin the cloves, cut the brownish part and take the central parts off them if needed (in case they ain't white). And a mortar, not a flat bottom one, a concave one (this is important), and it's better that it has those folded bits on the top. (refer to pic related).

Put them in a mortar with the bit of salt and crush them real good.

Now for the tricky part: You put a bit of the lemon juice in it, and slowly, drop by drop you start pouring the oil into one of the folded parts of the mortar, or if you don't have that, near the rim. Wait did you get that bit?

S L O W L Y

Don't bring the pestle(?) all the way to the bottom, move it dragging it's tip around the sides of the mortar, never stop and never change the rotation direction (in my family it's said that it does not work if done clockwise but that's just bullshit I think, don't tell my grandma tho) now you gotta do this very slowly, don't rush it, but never let the oil get to the bottom and into the mix without rolling the pestle over it, if it starts to go shiny you are close to the critical point, the allioli will get "negat" and the mix won't be homogeneous. how much oil you need to drop? honestly I don't know, mix it until you get a fair ration of it, around the 90 - 100 grams of oil mark, if you feel lucky, push the limit and drip a bit more, I would advise against that, but do explore and get your senses developed

If you keep your shit together and play it cool it will remain "lligat" and it would remain pretty solid and homogeneous, it will have a nice mate yellow and you can show off by moving the mortar upside down so the allioli sticks to it and doesn't fall.

(1/2)

[Anonymous No.6144241]

>>6135744
be sure to ask 4chan for advice.

[Anonymous No.6144242]

>>6144240
Let's say you fuck up, don't worry too much you'll eventually get it right. drop the rest of the oil slowly (not drop to drop, but don't just dump it in) and keep mixing, it will end up as a mix where you will be able to tell the oil from the garlic apart and you won't be able to flip it over but it will taste the same.

Now it will taste strong, but get some bread loafs, toast them, slightly rub a garlic on them, cut some tomatoes on half and rub those against the bread to get them saucy, slightly salt them and put some olive oil, cook some bbq sausages and lamb and serve with those.

Other customs you should keep in mind if you are superstitious include: Don't talk while you make it, don't let anyone in the kitchen while you make it, counter clock wise motion always, always keep the mortar slightly offset so the drops move against your counter clock motion, and fold a drape 4 times on itself and put it down the mortar.

Best of luck, don't despair and keep on trying, you'll end up loving it.

(2/2)

[Anonymous No.6144251]

>>6135744
You're fucked, Opie d:^)

[Anonymous No.6144256]

All "foodies" are just faggot hippsters just give what ever your cooking a fancy ass name and it will blow there minds cause in real life they don't know shit about cooking and think something is amazing if it got a good yelp review

[Anonymous No.6144273]

>>6144240
>>6144242
i want a pestle and mortar now

[Anonymous No.6144293]

>>6144242
Gib more recipes wit mysterious directions pleas. Love them.
I'll try your aioli tomorrow. What do if you have an open kitchen? Put up some curtains?

[Anonymous No.6144311]

>>6135769
This. It's so simple and redneck that it must be a master-chef at work.

[Anonymous No.6144329]

Get some good quality steaks. And some mushrooms. Do something with those.

Let's face it, nobody says no to steak.

[Anonymous No.6144337]

>>6144293

I say move out or something, don't you stench your house with an open kitchen?

You can also find a room with a door, my grandpa used to do that.

[Anonymous No.6144357]

>>6135765
>there are a lot of people out there for whom successfully following a recipe is genuinely impressive.
There are? How can someone fuck something up that has explicit instructions on almost everything you could possibly need to know?

[Anonymous No.6144373]

>>6144337
>>6144337
Well well. I'll go make the aioli in the bedroo. I guess. I dare anybody to question my technique!,

[Anonymous No.6144407]

>>6137870
>filename
>slop

>mfw

[Anonymous No.6144415]

>>6135744

Roast chicken nigga. Do it the simplest way possible:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EWLt6G85zC4

Bitches think its fancy since you're cooking a whole animal and their parents probably cooked it wrong, it's practically fool proof, table side carving ups the experience,and it LOOKS good coming out of the oven. It gives you a lot of time to not worry about the protein and focus on sides, and you're not stuck cooking 4-6 individual cuts of meat.

Serve with an easy side that's a vegetable (ie not potatoes, pasta, rice, etc). For example, butter nut squash is easy to dress up: saute some garlic + onions with a little honey and apple cider vinegar, mix with the roasted squash into a sort of mashed potato consistency. Something like this. Easy, but sort of elegant.

Then make a good salad. If you incorporate a cheese (chevre is good), interesting green (I like mache and arugula), and a nut (maybe walnuts) people respond well. If you make the squash you can throw the seeds in the oven, toast them, and put them in the salad too. Add some thin slices of yellow or orange pepper for color, make a light fruit (maybe raspberry) vinaigrette to mix in.

Simple, colorful, and seasoned properly is all you need to impress with a home cooked meal. The eyes do 50% of the work when it comes to people like your girlfriend who are easily impressed. All of this is basically fool proof and can be done easily at the same time.

>>6144357

>How can someone fuck something up that has explicit instructions

Lots of people cannot follow recipes because they don't know cooking techniques very well. You can have all the ingredients and steps written out, but if you don't know how to make sure everything is cooked properly, or if you don't know a crucial step like letting meat rest, you're fucked.

[Anonymous No.6144419]

>>6144415
Oh one more thing, use fresh herbs! This is the easiest way to make a difference since lots of people are not used to eating fresh herbs.

[Anonymous No.6144584]

>>6135744
Try making lettuce cups.
You'll need
>iceberg luttuce
>styrofoam cups x24

[Anonymous No.6144625]

>>6144584
why is this funny
why did i laugh

[Anonymous No.6144648]

>>6144625
It's from bo Burnham's show

[Anonymous No.6144653]

>>6144648
Its essentially the same idea, trys to make an elaborate dinner to win a girl.
http://youtu.be/wJ8LbD55g7o

[Anonymous No.6144833]

>>6135970
Because she was born that way you fucking idiot.