Pepsi appreciation

[Anonymous No.6121422]

For many years, I was lost. Lost amid a sea of soda--how can one find the one true cola, when there are so many false idols, treated with such reverence and admiration? Then one day, in a fit of fever, He approached me. Pepsi himself, astride a winged horse. Unto me he delivered this verse, anointed with the blood of a million infidels:

>fuck coke

[Anonymous No.6121431]

Cool story, bro.
/thread

[Anonymous No.6121433]

>eating liquid diabetes.

[Anonymous No.6121434]

That was beautiful Pepsi-san

[Anonymous No.6121435]

I emerged from that frantic heat with my whole being honed on a single task: vanquish the heathens, and restore the name of Pepsi atop the pantheon of carbonated beverages. I leapt for my wardrobe, hastily donned some clothing, and raced for the door. As I turned the knob, I was overcome by a mighty voice, bellowing with anger, "who dares challenge my rightful rule over the cola realm?" It was he, the long-forgotten Moxxie Cola, that ancient and wrathful spirit

[Anonymous No.6121446]

I froze beneath his accusatory glare, gazing helplessly as he extended a single finger towards me. "You," he heaved, "you have come at the wrong time. Do you not know that my market share in the northeastern part of the mortal plane is expanding rapidly? My devotees number in the millions, they will have you in tatters before your quest has even begun. Quite the shame, really, that he would appoint such a heap of bone and non-preservative-fortified flesh as his champion!" At that, he stepped into the shadowy corner of the room and vanished

[Anonymous No.6121474]

Coke has too much bite. Tastes like sugary acid.
Pepsi is like drinking sugary carbonated molasses.
Craft Rootbeer is GOAT.

[Anonymous No.6121479]

Even as the contrailing wisps of food coloring began to fade, I was alerted to the sound of artificial raisins and dates scampering along the carpet of the hall outside my door. Moxxie's minions were approaching quickly, and I stood little chance against their numbers without my sacred tools. I slammed the door and dashed towards the study, pleading to Pepsi that I might reach my desk in time to preserve myself and thus fulfil my sacred duty. The shadows cast against the wall grew larger as ever more dried-fruit demons scurried under the door and into my sanctuary. Their putrid stench filled the air, inducing nausea that nearly brought me to my knees. As I reached the desk, I flung open a drawer and clasped its contents in my right hand, while turning to face the descending hoard with my left palm outsctretche. "Fear me, o wretched, for I am possessed of the one true king of cola, and He will protect me." At that, I uncorked the holy philtre and spread its contents upon the demons, chanting the names of the holy fathers. "Sucralose! Aspartame! Stevia! Artificial Flavors! Cast these vile beasts to the realm from which they have been summoned!" The swell of a mighty gust carried my artificial sweetening elixer towards the writhing mass before me. As the liquid fell upon the disgusting fruit-beasts, there arose a deafening shriek of agony, and then a blinding light. When my vision cleared, I saw that moxxie's evil minions had been vanquished, and that my home was clean once more

[Anonymous No.6121483]

>>6121422
I love me some Pepsi.

[Anonymous No.6121491]

What liquor mixes best with Pepsi?

[Anonymous No.6121497]

>>6121491
Bathtub gin.

[Anonymous No.6121510]

I rushed forth, down the hallway and into the stairwell without a glance backwards. It was clear that my task was urgent, but I knew that more pretenders to the sacred Throne of Delightful and Bubbly Taste Sensations would try to stand in my way. I streaked through the building lobby, trying to compose a means of routing the evil awaiting me without the use of my protective tonic. In my fervor, I failed to notice the figure saddling the doorway until I ran headlong into him. "HALT, NONBELIEVER," issued the towering figure, clad head-to-toe in ornate, exotic armor. He continued, "THAT FOOL MOXXIE IS TOO SCARED OF ENDURING A FEW BATTLE WOUNDS TO LEAVE HIS FORTIFIED HAVEN IN THE NORTHEAST. I HAVE NO SUCH QUALMS" as I retreated from the threshold. The figure began to grow in size, spreading shadowy tendrils across the ceiling and floor until all that was visible was darkness, despair. The odor of fermented berries and oxidized saccharine flooded the air, sapping it of its constitution and making it impossible to breathe

[Anonymous No.6121555]

Grasping for any bit of forgotten knowledge that might aid me against this new peril, I remembered a lesson from my childhood, back in those happy days before any of us had known the true evil that infested our corn-syrup drinks. Our instructor had dedicated this particular lesson to the legends of RC Cola, an entity who had once ruled the seven planes with benevolence, before greed got the best of him and the elders of the Cola Counsil banished him to the mortal realm. his haughty ambitions had led him to forever expand his territory, i wad told, even at the expense of his own security. He made alliances with anyone who might have him, even those nefarious distrubution-elves of the orient. When their cunning trickery brought him to the brink of collapse, it was said, he made a deal: bring the whole pantheon down atop himself, in exchange for forgiveness. Upon catching wind of this treacherous agreement, the Council had little choice but to cast RC from the heavens, lest all of the soda kingdom be destroyed. Turning to eye to appraise my adversary, I became sure it was the spirit himself, his foolhardy assuredness adorned in the image of a crown upon his breastplate.

[Anonymous No.6121578]

"Pernicious beast!" I shouted, sure of what had to be done, "no brand of flesh or metal can withstand buffetting from all sides! We must choose our battles carefully, not exhaust our resources in combat against a fortified enemy! The further you stretch, the weaker your armor becomes. To overextend is to fall to the tiniest blow!" With those words, I ran towards the stairwell I had just escaped. Just as anticipated, RC continued to extend the fibers emanating from his body in my direction. His cumbersome armor, while appearing to be effective at deflecting any direct blow, was so heavy that he could only walk in halting jaunts. Unable to catch up to me, the cursed creature strained as he poured all his energy into reaching ever-further. Approaching the third flight of stairs, I sensed RC's rancid stench deteriorating. A glimpse over my shoulder affirmed that his expansion was diluting his power, causing the dark tentacles to fade in color and vibrance. For fear of underestimating my for, I continued my scramble up the stairs. Only when I reached the door to the rooftop did I chance to appraise the condition of my pursuer. Looking back, I was relieved to see that my plan had worked--RC Cola had expanded to the point that even his substantial magic was not enough to bind his being to his own will. His corporeal form had been scattered into a nebula of fructose, to be reclaimed by the aether

[Anonymous No.6121608]

Certain that I was safe, at least for the moment, I walked onto the rooftop. "Why, Pepsi, must I alone be burdened so? Why hast thou, in your almighty wisdom, cast upon such a lowly man as myself the duty of restoring the just order to this vast miasma of soft drinks and noncarbonated sugary tonics?" Although intended as a dramatic lament, the question received an answer that reverberated through my bones, as if trembling from within my very soul: "it was not I who chose you, anon. You are the one who chose me. In your feverish state, your resolve was compromised, that I might gain a glimpse into your mind. There I saw that you had long ago decided upon the path of the true and righteous. Though you have meddled with such abominations as Sprite and, dare I speak his name...that vile thing which calls itself Mountain Dew...I am kind and forgiving. You have never forsaken me. You are the only hope I have left if I am to make my seat once again in the temple of flavor, and the only man of valor who knows the truth about he who has corrupted these planes for too long...my brother, Coca-Cola. He may be strong, but his ambition is misguided. Carry with ye this token of honor, and remember that you alone hold the secret to tilting my brother from his lofty perch..." With that, the voice faded. I knew what I had to do.

[Anonymous No.6121631]

A pendant the size of a half-dollar coin had appeared around my neck. Its contents, I knew, were the key to my salvation--and that of they entire mortal realm--though I dared not to behold them with my naked eye, lest I be taken in by their seductive guile. The sugary might of my patron coursed through my veins, and I knew what I had to do. It was time to sally forth, unto the city's only place of refuge and sanctity, where all manner of wares were proffered, even in the deadest night of the coldest winter. Among the commonfolk, it was known in hushed tones as "7-11", a name whose origins had long since been washed away by the abrasive sands of time. I called it Hope, for it was the only location in all this blighted land that offered the promise of completing my oath to the great Pepsi. I took a last breath of fresh air, and steeled myself for the sprint out of the building and into the moonswept streets

[Anonymous No.6121661]

To my surprise, the scent of RC Cola had not lingered, but rather vanished with his tortured spirit. I was able to walk slowly down the stairs, remaining ever-vigilant for my final foe. As I strode out of the building and onto the still pavement, I prepared myself for what was to come. Coca-Cola was the most powerful being known across the seven planes, famed not only for his skill in combat, but also for his status as the favorite of the soda lords among the heaving, unkempt masses of the mortal kingdoms. His very name was celebrated among men of all class and race, his emblem emblazoned on every blank surface within their reach. He was the only being of any dimension to have successfully conflated zealotry, evangelism, and spirituality into a single, consumable distillate. People from every walk of life consumed this beverage on a daily basis, forsaking the health and prosperity of themselves and their families in exchange for the exhilarating blast of vitality that accompanied the blessing of Lord Coke (as he was affectionately known). His crowning achievement, in the eyes of men, was that of concentrating more carbohydrates in a can than was possible through any traditional method, like boiling sugar down--a feat which the common folk looked upon with awe, as a blessing from a power beyond themselves. Many took it as a sign that Coca-Cola was the exhalted one, whose reign would bring prosperity and vivacity to even the most sickly and feeble of men. But men are given to folly and fantasy. Pepsi had granted me the wisdom to look beyond, and to see Coke for what he really was

[Anonymous No.6121677]

>>6121434
That's it for tonight/this morning, pchan. Stay tuned for what is going to be an exceptionally shitty ending to the saga of myself v. diabetes, you co/ck/s
(Mods don't you dare delete this, I'll finish in the morning and then you can all take turns reading choice passages at my funeral after I die of massive blood loss thanks to the rectal bleeding I incurred coming up with this tripe)