CONSTIPATED

[PORTAPOTTY No.5872312]

I NEED HELP CANT GO FOODS WILL HELP ME PLEASE.THIS NOT A JOKE IM LOCKED UP BAD

[Anonymous No.5872318]

Wheat bran

[Anonymous No.5872320]

>>5872312
Ex lax bro, or milk of magnesia

[PORTAPOTTY No.5872349]

THANK U

[Anonymous No.5872374]

>>5872312
get a bidet, neanderthal

[PORTAPOTTY No.5872377]

NO THANKS BITCH

[Anonymous No.5872378]

>>5872312
>Strong coffee + cigarette.
Works every time.

[PORTAPOTTY No.5872397]

I DONT SMOKE BUT COFFEE YES YES

[Anonymous No.5872401]

>>5872378
this
also sit with your knees up in a squat

[Anonymous No.5872429]

>>5872397
Milk products help a lot.

[Anonymous No.5872435]

>>5872312
WATER AND BANANAS

BANANAS AND WATER

NEVER EITHER OR

BOTH OF THEM

GO NOW, MY SON

[PORTAPOTTY No.5872547]

>>5872435
THANK U KIND SIR

[Anonymous No.5872555]

>>5872547
DON'T THANK ME

IT IS MY

DOOTY

[PORTAPOTTY No.5872607]

YOUR A GOD MANIE

[Anonymous No.5872612]

>>5872312

[Anonymous No.5872613]

Stop eating refined grains you fuckwit

[PORTAPOTTY No.5872621]

>>5872612
I SHALL TRY KIND SIR

[PORTAPOTTY No.5872626]

>>5872613
WHY R U MEAN 2 ME?

[Anonymous No.5872629]

>>5872626
Because if you came to the point of constipation, unless it's because of medication, then your diet is utter crap and deserve to be scalded.

[Anonymous No.5872639]

I used to be so regular until Kellogg's discontinued All Bran's Strawberry Medley. Fuck you guys, my shits haven't been the same since.

[Anonymous No.5872654]

Eat more cheese products. LOTS of cheese products. That'll loosen you right up.

[Anonymous No.5872660]

Senna tea before bed.

[Anonymous No.5872705]

Assuming you aren't genetically inferior eating a bunch of nuts will help.

[Anonymous No.5872707]

>>5872312

Drink espresso and smoke a few cigarettes

[PORTAPOTTY No.5872733]

>>5872654
THATS A LIE

[PORTAPOTTY No.5872736]

>>5872707
SMOKING IS UNHEALTHY

[Anonymous No.5872739]

>>5872736
So is dying of shit backup

[Anonymous No.5872741]

>>5872739
Unless you have a mega colon, it's gotta come out some time.

[Anonymous No.5872742]

>>5872733
Bingeing on cheese causes some people to have diarea

[Anonymous No.5872744]

>>5872312
prunes and water also move alot

[Anonymous No.5872748]

Lots of water and a big meal. It'll start moving after you're done eating.

[PORTAPOTTY No.5872756]

>>5872629
O I C

[PORTAPOTTY No.5872761]

>>5872739
POINT TAKEN

[Anonymous No.5872763]

>>5872629
Nah. I've had constipation problems for as long as I can remember. My asshole was just naturally tight.

Was.

Now it's stretched out so that I could take the largest stallion, if I were into that. So is my colon. I pass rock-hard lumps the size of a small child's head.

I had one need to come out just as I was leaving work a couple of weeks ago. Plugged the toilet solidly. The janitor left a plunger by the toilet the next day and put up signs bitching about it. No way to tell who it was since the bathroom is shared among five major offices, and is in a building with public access to all floors (shopping mall on the ground floor, a few restaurants on other levels).

[Anonymous No.5872769]

haribo sugar free gummy bears

[Anonymous No.5872773]

>>5872621
>people actually use this as a phone cover

[Anonymous No.5872786]

Stop eating so much shit food KING, I know its you.

[Anonymous No.5872792]

>>5872763
what exactly is that creature. It looks cute but also unbelievably filthy.

[Anonymous No.5872795]

Make a kale shake! 2 cups of almond milk in a blender, add a bunch of kale till it's at the top of the blender. Blend that shit until there are no large chunks of kale. Then add a chopped up banana, a scoop of protein powder, and 2 Tbsp of coconut oil. If it's too thick, water it down a bit to thin it out. Drink that and have the most glorious shit of your life.

[Anonymous No.5872797]

>>5872792
Australian possum

[Anonymous No.5872845]

>>5872744
This OP, get you some prunes, eat like 6-10, drink some water, wait like an hour and there will be an assplosion. Then eat a few a day and it will keep you regular. They are the easiest natural way I've found, and if you aren't digging the taste dip them in a little powdered sugar.

[Anonymous No.5872886]

A single coke will help. Just don't try to force it out or you could end up shitting out your asshole.

[PORTAPOTTY No.5874492]

>>5872763
T.M.I

[PORTAPOTTY No.5874498]

>>5872786
ITS NOT ME

[Anonymous No.5874516]

>>5872312
dried watermelon or prunes mate, drink plenty of water as well

[BAR B Q KING No.5874602]

>>5874498
Just to let everyone no its not me.
I dun't get constipated. After ate guys fuck me up the ass the shit flys right out.

[Anonymous No.5874619]

>>5872886
So a coke can in the anus is the answer?

[Anonymous No.5874633]

>>5874602
>>5874498
GODDAMMIT KING, im on to you and I know this is your thread. Stop eating so much Chilis and Olive Garden FGGT, eat a salad and go for a walk and youll be shitting like a horse.

[PORTAPOTTY No.5875170]

>>5874633
that could cause probs

[pp No.5875350]

I may be fixed I may be fixed sweet jumpin Jackrabbits ham and beans boys

[Anonymous No.5875361]

Daily Metamucil is a miracle of the universe. Perfect, soft but formed stools erryday.

[Anonymous No.5875369]

If your having trouble getting the poop out, go into the shower, turn it on, and squat down and try to shit it out. Wipe down the spot you pood on in the shower with clorox after and don't tell your roommate about it.

[Anonymous No.5875373]

>>5872312
lots and lots of brie. seriously. it helped me a fuckton

[Anonymous No.5875374]

>>5872312
Suppository from the drugstore. Do it.

[Anonymous No.5875379]

>>5875373
This nigger gets it OP. The lactic acid in the brie will loosen your shit nice and good.

[Anonymous No.5875395]

Eat something very spicy with like habeneros or ghost peppers. if that doesn't get your shit moving , use an enema

[Anonymous No.5875402]

Drink a shitload of water. Eat foods high in fiber. Eat foods with probiotics like yogurt.

[PORTAPOTTY No.5875436]

>>5875374
sorry my ass is 1 way street. OUT ONLY!

[PORTAPOTTY No.5875440]

>>5875395
GUYS NO!!!!!! NOTHING UP THE ASS !!!!

[Anonymous No.5875451]

>>5875369
>this whole post

if i find out that you're my roommate, i'll punish you. sexually.

[Anonymous No.5875455]

>>5875436
Ok king.

[Anonymous No.5875465]

lots of black coffee

[PORTAPOTTY No.5875472]

>>5874619
I WONT RECOMEND THAT

[PORTAPOTTY No.5875479]

>>5875465
COFFE NOW YOUR TALKING COLUMBIAN?

[Anonymous No.5875539]

magnesium citrate

you can get it at any drug store and it is very cheap.
drink a bottle and for sure in less than 6 hours you will be sitting on the toilet many times.
it it pretty sour to drink but just down the whole bottle.
for sure it will force water into your bowels.
make sure you stay at home when you use it.

[PORTAPOTTY No.5875548]

DAMM IM PRODUCING ENOUGH GAS 2 HEAT A SMALL TOWN BUT STILL NO CASH DEPOSIT

[Anonymous No.5875556]

Pretty sure I saw this exact same pasta last night on /b/.

[Anonymous No.5875567]

>>5875539
This. Hands down the best way to relieve constipation ever. But yeah, you'd better stay close to home, because you will get cleaned the fuck out.

[PORTAPOTTY No.5876051]

>>5875567
thanks u guys r true pals

[Anonymous No.5876315]

>>5872312
Dried prunes and yoghourt before sleeping.Drink a cup of hot water when woke up.

[PORTAPOTTY No.5876327]

>>5876315
prunes+yogurt yuck I cant do it?

I STILL HAVE YET 2 CASH IN BUT MY FARTS HAVE BECOME DEADLY!!!!

[Anonymous No.5876623]

Pumpkin.

The water content and fiber get things moving without giving you the shits.

It also helps with diarrhea.

It also works on dogs.

[None !2fiREZiSTw No.5876634]

>>5876623
>helps with diarrhea

Really? How so? I feed it to my dog/cat sometimes cuz they love it. Do other squash have those magic powers as well?

[Anonymous No.5876749]

>>5876634

Yeah it has something to do with the fiber. Because its soluble. Or insoluble?

Basically it helps balance out the water:poo ratio and it slows things down without drying you completely.

The things you learn from a malamute with a beef allergy...

[Anonymous No.5877256]

castor oil

[Anonymous No.5877266]

I once had chia pudding and for 6 months afterwards I had off and on constipation. I used a generic brand of lax-a-day for 4 days and everything was fixed. Drink lots of water, lax-a-day will make everything in your intestines moisty but wont give you explosive poops like other laxatives do.

[TOP GUN No.5877511]

>>5876623
pumpkin will kill a dog

[TOP GUN No.5877512]

>>5877256
omg nooooooooooo!

[Anonymous No.5877514]

You could just take a laxative

[TOP GUN No.5877523]

>>5877514

u must b the brainchild of the bunch.

[Anonymous No.5877538]

>>5872312
Half a bottle of the cheapest, roughest red wine you can get.

[TOP GUN No.5877597]

>>5877538
well if u say so

[Anonymous No.5877794]

>>5877538
I can vouch for this working. Every now and then I'll down a bottle of this stuff. The next day I'll be shooting bricks out my ass like its a god damn Lego factory.

[Anonymous No.5877855]

Prune juice will do the trick!! Otherwise drink a green smoothie. an abundance of green veggies will kick your digestive system back into gear.

Avoid potatoes, pasta, rice and other starchy food like bread.

Good luck!

[Anonymous No.5877860]

>>5872626

bahaha my thoughts exactly

I don't think I've ever been constipated.

Eat green veggies my friend.

[TOP GUN No.5878107]

>>5877794
shooting bricks? sounds productive

[Anonymous No.5878194]

Not gunna read this whole thread, but I work at a hospital in the orthopedics department. A combination of laying around for a few days and the insane pain killers makes constipation our biggest problem. If you havent had a bowel movement in X number of days, we cant discharge you which is very expensive for the hospital so we were always worried about poops. I had a nurse manager who made a cocktail she lovingly called a "brown cow." It was a 500ml cup filled halfway with milk of magnesia and half filled with prune juice which she microwaved till it was warm and poured into a mug. She did it and the end of her shift because two hours later the patient was shitting all over the place and she didnt want to clean it up. OP, drink that, you'lll be right as rain.

THAT BEING SAID, my first "code" (someone dying unexpectedly) at the hospital was from someone not pooping. His final moments of life was vomiting poop before his lungs filled with shit and he drowned in his own filth, which is a real possibility. If you think its bad, go to the hospital. No one wants to do chest compressions on you.

[Anonymous No.5878206]

>>5872312

made for kids but will get the train out of the station

[tomato head No.5878519]

>>5878194
interesting

[Anonymous No.5878526]

Beans/lentils/peas, oatmeal, potatoes/sweet-potatoes, bananas

Anything starchy and fibery just glides right out of your ass

[tomato head No.5878546]

>>5878526
SOUNDS GOOD

[Anonymous No.5878596]

Try some apple juice.

[Anonymous No.5878602]

>>5878546
Buy these OP.
Actually tasty little treats and no pits.
And that Activia yogurt.
Bran, high fiber veg.

I know how it feels bro. I get occasional bouts of IBS. Some times go days not shitting or I can't stop shitting. Bad times.

[Anonymous No.5880675]

Gonna start a new thread if nobody here can help.

I started getting sick on Friday and it's gotten pretty bad. Symptoms went from aching upper body to horrible congestion to bronchitis-like breathing and very sore chest/neck area. The strange thing is I haven't pooped since Saturday and all the fruit I've been eating 4 my health is understandably trying to escape. I ate 8 prunes and some black eyed peas and some hummus before I went to sleep and now I'm awake six hours later feeling like death. My guts are on fire and refuse to evacuate themselves. What do I do? Eat more prunes? Take more drastic measures? I'd rather not go to the doctor.

[Anonymous No.5880677]

>>5880675
U got ebola girl

[Anonymous No.5880682]

>>5880677
I'm starting to think so. I never get sick usually.

[portapotty No.5880701]

>>5880675
you have aids now get off my thread u skank whore

[portapotty No.5880704]

>>5878602
thanks