ITT: Stupidest things you've done in the kitchen

[Anonymous No.5537297]

Beat my story. Protip: you can't.

>never cooked anything in my life
>watched my uncle deep fry chicken once
>think, "I can do this shit"
>I didn't know oil didn't boil
>Literally one second away from dropping a frozen chicken wing into a pot of oil that's been sitting on high for twenty minutes
>Uncle comes in
>"What the fuck are you doing?!"
>Saved my life

Your move.

[Anonymous No.5537320]

>>5537297
new guy comes into work. says hes worked in kitchens before. end of the night tell him to turn off the fryer. he turns the fucking release valve instead of the dial and shoots oil everywhere including him self

another guy another place. hes new, working on wok station (big powerful gas woks) gets the oil too hot i catches fire, he puts a lid on it. decides to check, lifts the lid flames in his face

both guys went to the hospital

[Anonymous No.5537346]

>be 15
>mom says to set the table for dinner
>accidentally drop fork
>bend down to reach for it underneath the table and forget to move the hand that is holding all the sharp cutlery
>almost cut my own throat

I'm surprised I've lived this long, to be honest.

[Anonymous No.5537390]

>>5537297

exactly the same thing happened with me the first time i made chips. except no one came in and saved me. i was very lucky we had an electric hob.

[Anonymous No.5537393]

>>5537320
HAHAHA.

>>5537346
Me too, man. Every day.

[Anonymous No.5537425]

>>5537297
>Pre-heat pot
>Pot is too hot
>add EVOO and it smokes catches fire
>put lid on and feel dumb

This one was when I was a stupid kid ~14
>Summertime
>Man I could go for some bbq
>Get grill
>Put in charcoal
>Open vents
>Add lighter fliuid
>Light coals
>They start but seem to quickly go out
>Repeat lighting
>Spray lighter fluid directly on to coals
>Barely helps
>Dad sees me and berates me for spraying directly on to fire and i could've burned myself
>Also points out that the bottom of the grill was plugged with ash and no air was going through
Derp could've had bad burns.

[Anonymous No.5537481]

>>5537320
i live in a fraternity house with a commercial grade deep fryer
so many times a year do the fucking pledges hit the oil release thinking it's the gas

so many times

[Anonymous No.5537543]

>be 12
>bake bread
>cut off thick slice
>stick it in toaster
>push toaster handle down
>mom calls from other room
>go find out what the stupid fucking bitch wants
>listen to her spewing shit for five minutes
>go back to get my toast
>toast is jammed, holding toaster down, and is now on fire

I don't have a good relationship with my bitch of a mother, BTW. I just had an epiphany the other night, that the reason my babysitter kept telling me that if I ever ran away I could go stay with her was because she and everyone else knew what a fucking bitch my mom was.

[Anonymous No.5537546]

Stupidest thing Karl has done in the kitchen.

Also Karl Pilkington doesn't know how to cook a quiche.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vKSAPh9O-9o

[Anonymous No.5537565]

>my dad worked in a hospital kitchen
>always hiring new dumbass cooks
>when i say dumb i mean, these fucks are man children
>my dad has to babysit the new guy
>gives him a recipe for some pasta dish
>my dad comes back and asks about why it hasn't been served yet
>New guy says the pasta hasn't "soaked" long enough
> the guy had put pasta in cold water and said it needed soak so it could be soft when heated in a pan
>mfw

[Anonymous No.5537611]

>heating oil in pan
>put chopped dried chili into because i think im the fucking chef
>mfw invented own pepper spray

chili smoke nearly instantly everywhere in flat, burns like hell in eyes, ears, throat, no breathing possible.
at first it smelled a bit like popcorn so flatmate comes in kitchen, sees me nearly dying, checks frying pan and takes a deep breath of fucking pepper spray. he is literally the bigger idiot

[Anonymous No.5537625]

>>5537611
>Making spicy chicken fillets
>Smother those fuckers in cayenne pepper
>Made too many so I have to pan fry them in two batches
>By the end of batch two everyone at the table at the other end of the room is coughing
>Couldn't go within five feet of the stove for the next hour
>Hot sauce friend brought actually diluting the spiciness of the chicken somehow

On the bright side the chicken was delicious.

[Anonymous No.5537626]

other story, we had a gas oven in flat. It had to be lit manually by a lighter, firstly you push the gas release button, then light the oven after a short period.
>mfw too much gas in oven
>mfw flamethrower
>no eyebrows available

man, im glad i never use gas anymore. Dont know why im still alive either.

[Anonymous No.5537628]

>>5537297
I've never done anything too stupid. Worst thing was when didn't think about the fact that I'd preheated the oven (to 450F) and opened it and grabbed the oven rack with both hands to move it. That caused some painful burn marks.

[Anonymous No.5537632]

>>5537297

I tried to microwave peanut butter once.

[Anonymous No.5537634]

>>5537632
How did you manage to fuck that up? I microwave peanut butter all the time when I need it softened up (like for satay sauce or when I need to mix it with something else). It's never once caught on fire or exploded or anything that would cause your pic.

[Anonymous No.5537658]

>my family and I are Asian
>we find out the magic of tacos
>unfortunately it is hard tacos
>my mom cooks it at my grandmas
>she decides to toast up the hard tacos in the toaster oven
>5 minutes pass
>we're talking at the table
>suddenly smoke
>the taco shells literally caught fire
>I put it out

And that was the time my mom almost burned down my grandma's house and the last time she made tacos.

[Anonymous No.5537660]

You guys are so funny.

[Anonymous No.5537663]

>parents deep frying French fries on a gas stove in the backyard
>we come in and eat dinner
>dad fucking forgets
>turn around and see a fire from the stove to the ceiling
>dad sprays it with water
>flamethrower becomes fire blast
>mfw 120 base damage is super effective

I told my dad to throw dirt on it. He shoveled it in and it fucking worked. Thank you discovery channel.

[Anonymous No.5537681]

>>5537663

>backyard
>ceiling

[Anonymous No.5537683]

>>5537681
Overhang thing. I didn't know what to call it.

[Anonymous No.5537686]

>>5537660
>be me
>be studying abroad
>be living in shitty student housing
>no oven, no microwave, no stove, no freezer, just a hot plate with 2 "burners"
>decide to make pre-breaded/cooked fish bites
>think I need a deep fryer
>put oil in wok with lid
>turn on high
>wait 10 min.
>go to pop fish in the wok
>lift lid
>enormous flame errupts
>panic.jpg
>first instinct is to go downstairs, open patio door, dump in canal
>realize I'd have to get a half-full fully inflamed wok down a flight of stairs
>badidea.jpg
>put wok in sink
>almost turn water on
>worseidea.jpg
>think "quick, what do they do in the movies when they have a grease fire?!"
>cover it with lid
>let it go for about 10 min. to cool
>lift lid
>perfectly fine
>ruinedwok.jpg
>20 Euros for a new wok
>ended up just putting the fish bites in a frying pan on medium heat in a spoonful of butter
>delicious.jpg
>tfw after that incident it looked like Snoop and Wiz Khalifa stopped by to shoot a rap video I had so much smoke in my apartment
>tfw smoke detectors never went off once
>shittystudenthousing.png

[Anonymous No.5537687]

>>5537683
It's like a garage but for poorfags

[Anonymous No.5537689]

>>5537687
Tarp?

[Anonymous No.5537698]

>>5537687

like a carport, which is like a roof on four pillars, no walls, where you park your car???

[Anonymous No.5537706]

>>5537663
One time, my mom decided to "bake" a cake using pancake mix. In the oven toaster. Using the toaster's own pan.

Of course there was no "cake" and everything was a bitch to clean.

[Anonymous No.5537709]

Shouldn't have quoted

[Anonymous No.5537726]

>15 years old, working as potwash in a kitchen
>chef asks me to wash a bucket of mussels
>never seen mussels before, assumed they were some kind of table ornament
>fill bucket of mussels with hot soapy water and leave to soak
>chefs face when he saw them

To be fair, everyone laughed and was nice about it.

I've never come close to hurting myself in the kitchen, although I did go through a phase of deep frying chips in a pan when I got home drunk, I was probably lucky to get through that year unscathed.

[Anonymous No.5537736]

>Early days of student living
>Put pot on gas stove to boil water to pasta
>Go back to room while I wait for it to boil
>Promptly forget I ever even thought of cooking
>Fortunately it was only baby's first pan set

>Have utensil pot right next to knife block
>Can always tell when Flatmate's girlfriends has emptied the dishwasher:
>Reach to utensil pot for spatula
>A wild, blade-up chef's knife appears
>What kind of brain doesn't let a person know that this may not be a great idea?

[Anonymous No.5537747]

>>5537726
>making drunk food

It really is a wonder I'm still alive. I cook more elaborate meals when I'm hammered than when I'm sober.

[Anonymous No.5537765]

>be 14
>chop onion and hot peppers to help make birthday dinner
>rub eyes and burn them
>try to stumble to sink to rinse eyes
>run into stove and bump a pan of hot oil instead, spilling it all over myself
>spend my birthday in emerg with 3rd degree burns all over myself and burning eyes from the peppers

I havent cooked on my birthday for 8 years because im not tempting fate.

[Anonymous No.5537770]

>>5537736
Why does your chef's knife even go near the dishwasher?

[Anonymous No.5537772]

>>5537770
Why do people use dishwashers? It's a drying rack for me.

[Anonymous No.5537774]

>>5537765
>bump a pan of hot oil instead, spilling it all over myself
jesus christ, anon

[Anonymous No.5537777]

>>5537774
I know.
i am not coordinated and im a retard who left the pan with the handle facing out.
it less spilled and more catapulted because i hit the handle.

[Anonymous No.5537784]

>>5537736
My girlfriend puts knives in the dishwasher blade up, I fucking told her off for it so many times, and then a few weeks ago she cut her hand on one. I'm unashamed to tell you that I was extremely fucking smug and not at all sympathetic.

[Anonymous No.5537855]

>>5537770

It's not a particularly high quality knife, claims to be dishwasher safe, and I'm somewhat lazy.

>>5537784
Did you tell her the one about the woman who did that, slipped in the kitchen, fell back on the open dishwasher rack...

[Anonymous No.5537965]

>>5537611
>because i think im the fucking chef

[Anonymous No.5537986]

>Making ghost pepper sauce without goggles or mask/respirator (hey, windows are open, fan's on, I'm good right?)

>The air in my house turns into napalm, but otherwise it's going off without a hitch.

>Immersion blender dies mid-blend

>toss 'er into the stand-up, warm

>hit blend without holding down the lid... LIQUID HOT MAGMA FUCKING EVERYWHERE.

I'm lucky I have a decent reaction time. If I hadn't have closed my eyes and tried to duck, the last thing I would have seen would have been hot vermillion death flying at me... Instead I had a puffy face for a few days.

[Anonymous No.5537989]

I tried to make a pasta sauce out of white wine and sour cream. It didn't work.

[Anonymous No.5537992]

>About to cook a steak
>Heat the pan up hot
>It's summer and my flat is very hot, not got a shirt on
>Chuck the steak in, spit hot oil all over my chest.
It hurt.

[Anonymous No.5537993]

>>5537992
You are fucking dumb.

[Anonymous No.5538006]

>>5537784
And you haven't gotten laid in weeks now, amirite?

[Anonymous No.5538009]

>>5537992
Cooking bacon while naked is also not indicated.

[Anonymous No.5538016]

>>5537611

>me working at vapiano.
>preheat pan with oil
>to high temperature
>put a hand of chopped chili in the pan
>Pepper spray of my own invetion!
> Couldn't breath, eyes felt like firepits.

>the guests infront of me stood 10 feet away as I remade their dish.

>shame

[Anonymous No.5538018]

>pan with hot oil in it
>I'll just add some cold water to the pan to cool it down so I can wash it right away

[Anonymous No.5538040]

>Toasting bread
>Ka-ching
>Bread is stuck in toaster
>No biggie, just pull it out with a fork

[Anonymous No.5538043]

>>5538009
>>5537992
I have an apron that I exclusively use for when I want to cook something but don't want to put a shirt on

[Anonymous No.5538103]

>>5538006
Wrong. I am a trousers wearing motherfucker.
>>5537989
Pasta and a jar of store bought curry sauce is the worst meal I've ever prepared. I still don't understand how it was so bad.

[Anonymous No.5538111]

>>5537297
Thought I could deep fry fish fingers. The flames got pretty high and I was about to throw water on the fire when my roommate thankfully stopped me.

[Anonymous No.5538135]

>>5538111
Why was there a fire? It's just fish in breadcrumbs right, you can deep fry that

[Anonymous No.5538140]

>>5538135
Gypsy magic? I don't know, I still don't know why I shouldn't throw water on an oil fire. I came to /ck/ to answer all this and more.

[Anonymous No.5538146]

>>5538140
If you dumped enough water on an oil fire to cool it down or smother it you could extinguish it I guess, but any less than that and it's just going to make it splatter around.

[Anonymous No.5538161]

>>5538140

Because the oil can get WAY hotter than the boiling point of water. Oil at 350*F will instantly boil water. So when you add water, it sinks down below the oil (because oil is less dense than water) and then boils into steam. Gasses have a greater volume than their liquid counterparts, so it expands. Beneath the hot oil.

It sprays the oil outward, over the top of the pan. This oil aerosol can burn you, or spray over the side of the pan onto the burner, catching the whole thing on fucking fire.

[Anonymous No.5538163]

>>5538140

oil isn't smothered by water, it will float. instead of dousing it, putting water on an oil fire can just spread it around.

[Anonymous No.5538166]

>>5538146
>>5538161
>>5538163
Well. I will never be trying that method of extinguishing then. Thanks for the protip all!

[Anonymous No.5538167]

>>5538140
Well you don't use water because it will rapidly heat into steam, this fast activity causes the oil to jump everywhere and spread the fire. The fires only start if you overheat the oil, which won't happen in a proper deep fat fryer with a max temperature, or if you use a thermometer. Most stuff should be fried at about 180c.

[Anonymous No.5538229]

>>5538140
water has a lot lower boiling point than oil.
Dumping water on a 200c oil fire will evaporate the water so fast that the oil will spill out of the pot and set your entire kitchen on fire.

[Anonymous No.5538287]

>Summer before I went off to college
>Younger brother at summer camp, mom travelling
>Only my dad and I are home, I'm working at his office over the summer.
>I head home earlier than him, he tells me to skin and boil some potatoes for dinner tonight.
>First time doing so, but nothing too hard, skin them, chop 'em up a bit and put them in a pot filled with water to boil for 30 minutes or so.
>Decide to head to my room to kill time while waiting
>2 hours later look at the time and realize that I need to take our dogs out
>Walk down the stairs and smell smoke
>"Shit the potatoes"
>Pot is completely burnt, ruined
>Potatoes too, obviously
Luckily my parents were pretty cool about it and it ended up becoming an excuse to buy a new pot since the original was getting pretty old. I don't even remember being punished for it, besides having to reskin and prep another batch of potatoes.

[Anonymous No.5538383]

>>5537626
>firstly you push the gas release button, then light the oven after a short period.
>first you push the button that makes gas come out of the oven
>then after the gas has filled the room you light it
10/10 plan, retard

[Anonymous No.5538453]

>>5537658

Reminds me of my mom.

>come home from school
>kitchen is all smoke
>wtf is going on
>find beef on the stove
>entire pan is charcoal black
>turn off the gas
>start looking for mom
>yell up the staircase
>"What is it honey?"
>explain this shit
>she was in bed taking a nap and thought I was somehow already home or would be home sooner

[Anonymous No.5538463]

>student housing
>have a bro living here too but he forgets that he is cooking things sometimes
>he is chinese and is boiling eggs in some stock or something so they become brown and tasty
>has to be left on for a while
>sitting behind desk
>smell something awful and unexplainable
>run downstairs
>smoke coming from THAT pan
>turn of gas and throw the pan onto the balcony cause of the stench
>he forgot his eggs
>the stock had fully evaporated and burned by the time we found out about it
>eggs were purple and stuck to the bottom
>entire pan was black from the remainders of stock

[Anonymous No.5538469]

>>5538463
Oh shit he was making tea eggs! Fucking love that shit. Too bad they didn't turn out too well

[Anonymous No.5538472]

>>5538469

He had some left over stock or whatever it was and left it int he fridge in one of those plastic lidded cups. I was cleaning the fridge last week and checked what was in it and it was covered with a thick layer of fungus. I think he left it in the corner of the fridge for about half a year. Well at least I know what he made now.

[Anonymous No.5538478]

>first NYC kitchen gig
>working desserts even though I fucking hate them
>one dessert had chocolate sauce
>chocolate sauce needed to be warm to serve
>every ticket, would throw the quart container of said sauce into the pasta cooker
>nothing ever went wrong
>one time
>quart sinks
>lift basket
>top falls off
>chocolate water mess in the water
>7+ orders of pasta on deck

[Anonymous No.5538490]

>>5537747
>making drunk food
It's great when it works out. It's not so great when you fall asleep waiting for water to boil or a pan to heat up and your roommate wakes you up later screaming that you're going to burn the building down, then scrambling over to the kitchen to discover that you've fused your pan to the electrical coil and everything smells like burning chemicals. I've bought so many replacements for that stove.

[Anonymous No.5538511]

>>5538016

vapiano a shit!

[Anonymous No.5538515]

>>5538490
You should kill yourself before you manage to kill someone else.

[Anonymous No.5538527]

>>5538472
Asians are extremely disgusting.

[Anonymous No.5538533]

>>5538515
How about I kill you instead and we both have one less thing to worry about?

[Anonymous No.5538540]

>>5537611
That would have been fine if the oil was at a lower temperature.

[Anonymous No.5538556]

>15 or so
>Frying chicken in melted butter
>Finish
>"Well, don't need this butter anymore"
>Pour about two sticks worth down the drain, still boiling hot
>Loud crackling
>Repeat this a few times
>Drain gets clogged
>Parents call a plumber or something to fix it
>He tells is that there's a backup of "buttery sludge" in the sink
>Pretend I don't know what he's talking about

[Anonymous No.5538562]

>Buy a new wok
>Place wok on eye
>Heat on MAXIMUM
>Letting the wok heat up before I add food
>Suddenly smell horrible smell
>Wok is burn
>no

[Anonymous No.5538566]

be maybe 10 eatig mince and tatties at friends house .used brown sauce and red sauce together to make it better add more and more never realise its the reason it tastes bad. threw it away ate crisps for tea insted.

around the same time. trying to make rice no idea what im doing it becomes starchy and mushy I add chocolate and herbs. chocolate should fix it.

[Anonymous No.5539543]

>>5538566
>chocolate should fix it
>that 10yo logic

Cutest thing I read all day.

[Anonymous No.5539574]

>>5537425
That's not barbecue.

[Anonymous No.5539576]

I stuck a knife in the toaster once.

I'm not a clever man

[Anonymous No.5539586]

>>5538566
I hope you die and never make another post again

[Anonymous No.5539604]

>Walking through kitchen, feel urge to sneeze
>For some reason decide to do it in what I thought was an empty sink
>Sneeze, eyes closed because of it
>Open my eyes and realize I'm an staring down two long, thin rotisserie spit spikes about an inch and a half away

I almost destroyed both of my eyes in one go

[Anonymous No.5539640]

>Just finished frying some chicked
>Oil is fucking hot
>Remember how in grade school oil and water doesn't mix
>For some reason decide to put an ice cube in the oil
Never regretted something so immediately in my life before. Hot oil fucking everywhere.

[Anonymous No.5539844]

>>5537297
cut myself pretty bad with the blade attachment off a food processor. i dropped it in a full sink of dishes to wash. i was totally out of it that day and mechanically washing the dishes when i reached down, felt a prick and looked down to have a stream of blood squirt all over my shirt and face. lesson of the day: do not drop your guard around food processor blades - those things do not fuck around.

[Anonymous No.5539863]

>pop open a can of coconut milk
>only use a little of it
>put it in the fridge for later

>later, it's solidified
>pop it in a pot of water, put it on the stove on low heat to warm it up
>completely forget about it
>hours later the water has evaporated and the can has boiled over and left a black, burnt mess on the bottom of pot
Has to leave it outside for a few hours to cool down but the pot made a full recovery. Not a scratch on the bottom, the entire burnt mess came off in one piece with a silicone spatula.

[Anonymous No.5539878]

>>5537772
they're more water-efficient than handwashing, but that's no excuse for abusing your knives.

[Anonymous No.5539892]

>>5537297

Being retarded and having no experience in the kitchen isn't the same as being stupid.

I've worked in kitchens for years and just the other night, for the first time ever, I somehow dipped my hand directly into the frialator.

>tfw 350 degrees isn't actually that bad

[Anonymous No.5539900]

>>5539604
That's some Final Destination shit right there.

[Anonymous No.5539901]

>>5539892
I have a similar story about an old teacher of mine who worked in fast food when he was younger. Somehow, the fry basket fell into the fryer and his first instinct was to dip his hand into the fry vat and yank it out. Mission successful and no major damage done, just some blisters.

[Anonymous No.5539909]

> Oh hey I got this Panko breading I should make katsu! Even though I have no idea what I'm doing! Chicken, Flour, Egg, Crumbs, Oil!
> Hm I know! I'll just heat a fuckton of oil up in my small frying pan.
> Hm, the stove is shit, but I guess I can just heat it up on this precariously lopsided abused electric burner.

> I proceed to do this multiple times before I realize just how close I came to spilling several cups of hot oil over me, or dousing the heat element in oil.


At the very least my dumb ass could have thought to pound the chicken flat so I wouldn't need to dump copious amounts of oil in there instead of a light pan-fry

[Anonymous No.5539914]

>>5539892
>be a dishie
>chef dumps a pan in the dirty bin
>it's been in a fuckhot oven so the handle's just as hot as the rest of it
>yells "HOT"
>I hear "POTS" through the noise of the dishwasher
>think he's getting mad at me for letting the dirty shit bin get too full
>hurry to empty it, forgetting to grab a dishcloth
>think "that's weird there's barely anything in here"
>pick it up with my bare hand but don't notice the temperature for like a second or two
>gotta sheepishly stand there with my hand under a cold tap looking like an idiot and get blisters across my hand to boot

I don't think I've ever done anything stupider than that.

[Anonymous No.5539917]

>>5539901

I work at a place a few rungs higher than fast food ( 90% from scratch brew pub), but almost every ticket still comes out of the fry station.

I've been doing it for a year now, and at the end of the night I use a pair of tongs to pull the grate out of the fryers...

The other night I wasn't paying attention and didn't realize that the morning people had filled it up a good half inch higher than usual...

So yeah, I was doing what I usually do and all of a sudden found a good portion of my hand submerged in still hot fry oil.

[Anonymous No.5539920]

>>5539914

It's happened to the best of them, anon.

Just ignore the servers and managers; they're only there to hook up with and steal from.

[Anonymous No.5539923]

>>5538040
we're told not to do that in year 1 mate

[Anonymous No.5539930]

>>5538490
>be drunk
>boil pot of water
>toss in spaghetti
>lovingly press down the pasta with a spoon so it bends into the water
>fall the fuck asleep on top of my neatly made bed
>gasp awake hours later
>charred starchy mess in the bottom of pan
>mfw gas bill

[Anonymous No.5539934]

When I was 15 I worked at a mall fast food stand. I was opening a bulk can of ketchup and sliced my palm open. I frantically called my bf at the time and left him a message about how I'm rapidly bleeding to death. I clean my hand and turns out I barely cut my hand and it just looked bad because the ketchup mixed with blood. Returned to work and never called bf back. He cancels all his plans and rushes to my work ready to take me to the hospital. I have already forgotten what he's talking about.

[Anonymous No.5539938]

not cooking but i was a server

>helping a busboy clear a table cause nothing else to do
>shes handing me plates to carry back cause there were only a few
> after a second, my wrist starts hurting where a spoon was touching
> was literally TOO DUMB to realize the spoon was burning me
>finally get to put plates down there's already a huge welt
we figured that the spoon had been resting near the candle on the table and no one noticed

[Anonymous No.5539940]

>>5539934
>hurt self
>immediately call boyfriend

The fuck is wrong with you?

[Anonymous No.5539947]

Idk how to green text
>be 11 years old in new house we moved into
>kitchen has microwave (never used one before)
>heat up potato with tinfoil in microwave
>see sparks and shit get scared turn off micro
>make a thread on neopets saying wtf happened
and then learned from there you can't microwave with tinfoil lollllllll

[Anonymous No.5539949]

>>5539934

Same job, I was removing nasty ass carne asada from the warming table to put away for the night and turns out the last person filled it up way too high. I tip it forwards a little because one of the back edges is twisted and easier to grab. End up with spilling at least a gallon of hot carne asada juice down my left leg. Spend 15 minutes sitting on floor sobbing and screaming I quit to an empty food court and any security guard that will listen.

[Anonymous No.5539953]

>>5539947
>neopets
>lollllllll

oh, for fucks sake

[Anonymous No.5539969]

you all make me laugh, in a good way. though i have cooked (dishwasher, prep,line while worling my way through collage, I'd shovel shit outta barn before i'd go back.still',,I have modest home, with a galley kitchen,literaly 6x8 I was cooking a holiday feast (2 roasted chickens and a small ham. flooors get greasy.fortunately a friend came early and gave me a hand(need a little help there do you? )some lessons learned? galley kitchens are for subs and planes, tile floors are too slick, and its good to have at least one close friend. here, lemme give you a hand up.

[Anonymous No.5539976]

>>5539934
you clearly haven't seen lots of flesh and blood if you mistook ketchup for being a wound/blood. Also, didn't you see your wound. You can judge pretty easily if you're dying from a cut just by looking at the wound.

[Anonymous No.5539979]

>>5538478
Reminds me
>Working at a cafe/restaurant
>Make dozens of crepes a day, get sick of it
>The kitchen was made so that the flat stove was next to where I was making the crepes
>get order
>We had the crepe batter in a plastic jug
>Pour some to start making it
>Put the jug on the stove like a dumbass and leave it there
>stove was on
>smell the plastic and turn around
>jug was melting
>lift it
>spill the batter all over the stove, a god 2 liters
>FUCK
>About to put water and wash it
>Friend just tells me to let it cook and it will come off easier
>did that and felt stupid all day

[Anonymous No.5539980]

>cooking jaeger schnitzel
>Pull pan from oven
>set pan on top of stove.
>Absentmindedly grab pan by the handle and lift off stove
>instantly regret that decision
>Second degree burns.

[Smith the CIA Agent No.5539997]

>>5537626
>>5538383
First, I thought, "Damn, poor guy." then I reread it and thought, "Oh my, how retarded."

>>5538527
so are you. :^)

[Anonymous No.5540006]

I'm trying to think of anything particularly bad I've ever done in the kitchen other than burning things onto the bottom of pans when drunk, or accidentally grabbing the handle of a pan that's recently come out of the oven. Nothing comes to mind. I have a couple of smoke-stories from other people:

>mother making turkey stock after christmas
>leaves carcass in stock pan on hob in the other house (my greedy parents bought the neighbours' house so as not to have to live next door to anyone)
>go over to retrieve something
>entire building filled with stinking and acrid turkey-smoke

>college at university removes hobs for safety/to force students to eat in the shitty cafeteria
>installs combi-ovens which can both microwave and oven cook
>someone microwaves their dinner on high for 45 minutes
>smoke so thick you can't see your hand in front of your face

[Anonymous No.5540023]

>decide to cook an egg
>hahaha no need to boil water in a pan, i have a microwave
>i'll just set this to... 3 minutes sounds good
>now i can watch a little tv in the next room because the microwave will let me know when my egg is ready
>...
>BANG!
This kills the microwave.

And another:
>living with mentally ill roommate
>he goes into the kitchen to cook something
>eventually leaves kitchen and goes to bed
>an hour or two later, friend goes into kitchen to make a brew
>friend: "anon, your kitchen reeks of gas dude, check it out"
>go into darkened kitchen
>mfw crazy roommate turned on gas cooker, failed to ignite, then went to bed
>friend: "btw anon, whatever you do, don't switch on the light, it could-"
>mfw all my stoned brain heard was "anon switch on the light"
>mfw the light came on and i see his face when me and my roommate apparently tried to blow him up

[Anonymous No.5540025]

>>5539940
Probably being 16.

[Anonymous No.5540028]

>>5538040
>yfw chopsticks can do that

[Anonymous No.5540042]

>>5537626
similar thing happened to me
>be 13
>want to cook frozen pizza
>oven needs to be lit before using it
>seen my dad do it plenty of times
>turn gas to full
>put lit match near place to lite it
>nothing happens
>light another match
>put near hole
>nothing happens
>go get new book of matches
>didn't turn off gas
>light new match
>get near oven
>fireball
>no more eyebrows

[Anonymous No.5540055]

>my friend's first time in the kitchen
>start simple - pancakes from box mix
>he correctly measures both mix and water
>pours each into pan over heat
>starts stirring

We still haven't stopped giving him shit for that one...

[Anonymous No.5540072]

>be little kid
>home alone
>want Mac and Cheese
>read directions on box
>fill pot full of water
>turn stovetop on as high as it can go
>dump in macaroni
>wander off to do kid things while it gets soft
>unknown amount of time later
>wonder what that smoky smell is
>macaroni in boiling pot of water burning
>boggles my little kid mind
>black carbon outline of macaroni noodles forever imprinted on the bottom of the pot

and that's the day I learned that you can burn food even if it's submerged in a pot full of water.

[Anonymous No.5540076]

>>5540055
Never made scrambled pancakes before.

[Anonymous No.5540142]

>>5539917
fucking ouch

[Anonymous No.5540155]

>>5538043

[Anonymous No.5540241]

>>5540076
They're not bad. I usually make them when my regular pancakes fuck up and aren't salvageable.

[Anonymous No.5540244]

>>5538018
we all did that once, those of us who didn't have parents teach us jackshit
now I just dip the bottom into water that's slightly colder than room temp

[Anonymous No.5540279]

I've never worked in a professional kitchen so the worst I've got is standard cuts and bruises.

Except for 1 time when I tried to finely dice an onion for a grilled cheese and onion sandwich whilst stoned and a little drunk at 1 in the morning.
I ended up very nearly slicing the top of my thumb off, it healed without a hospital visit but now there is a noticeable bump all the way around the top of my left thumb.

[Anonymous No.5540334]

>>5537992
>>5538043

>walking around without a shirt

Are you guys not ashamed of your body?

[Anonymous No.5540340]

>>5540334
nah
some of us aren't fat fucks

[Anonymous No.5540341]

>>5540340

Neither am I.

[Anonymous No.5540387]

>>5538287
Burnt potatoes come off easy enough, you can either soak them in water for a few hours or soak in a solution of 9 parts water, 1 part oven cleaner for a few minutes.

[Anonymous No.5540391]

>>5540241
we call that Kaiserschmarrn over here ("emperor's nonsense")

[Anonymous No.5540393]

>>5539930
>be drunk
>put frozen pizza in oven
>fall asleep sitting on chair at kitchen table
>wake up to find pizza perfectly cooked, but cold
>microwave and eat for breakfast

I love my oven's 'turn off when timer finishes' feature so much

[Anonymous No.5540437]

>>5540391
Colloquially 'Schmarrn' can be used to mean 'Unsinn' (nonsense) in current bavarian and austrian dialects, but in this case it just declares a, most times sweet, pastry.

Just an FYI

[Anonymous No.5540472]

Nothing bad, but a couple weeks ago during bread ritual I decided to bench proof my ciabatta on wax paper because I never use the shit and want it to stop taking up space.

Come baking time, turns out I didn't flour the paper enough and the loaf won't come off. No problem, I'll just bake it on the parchment paper, right?

Three minutes later and the smoke detector is yelling at me, the oven's just smoky but another 2 or so and the wax paper would probably have been on fire.

Ended up losing that loaf, but the other two were still good (I've been doing ciabatta for a while).

[Anonymous No.5540483]

>>5537481
So maybe fucking label it, dumb ass.

[Anonymous No.5540504]

>>5538040

honestly i still do that to this day and nothing's ever happened

[Anonymous No.5540507]

>>5540387
2 hours on high is long enough that the pot could have started to melt or warp.

[Anonymous No.5540513]

>>5538556
>>Frying chicken in melted butter
I think I found your problem.

[Anonymous No.5540515]

>>5537658
tortilla chips actually make really great fire kindling. They catch easily, and burn for ages. I always take a bag of doritos when I go camping.

[Anonymous No.5540539]

>>5540006
>my greedy parents bought the neighbours' house so as not to have to live next door to anyone
Who the fuck does this?

[Anonymous No.5540546]

>>5540483
Or don't have frat boys use commercial food prep equipment without someone else showing them how.

[Anonymous No.5540612]

>>5537625
Cayenne Pepper is not to be trifled with.

[Anonymous No.5540625]

>Feel a cold coming on
>Decide to treat myself & make my own Chicken Pho Ga
>My god are all these ingredients expensive
>Prep cook time up the wahzoo
>Tasting the whole way through
>Damn, this is good.
>Let slow cook for a while, while I watch TV on the couch.
>Nine hours later, after waking up from thee most glorious nap
>???
>Had to buy a new cooking pot a week later

[Anonymous No.5540634]

>>5540437

Huh, kinda like 'trifle' in English. Funny that.

[Anonymous No.5540642]

>>5537658

we did that once in college, put like 6 in a small toaster over.

in like 6 minutes, fire.jpg.

thankfully that call was our freebie.

[Anonymous No.5540687]

>>5539980
i do this alot, seems like once my hand starts looking a feeling normal after a good burning, i go and do it again.

[Anonymous No.5540699]

>>5539969
You write like kerouac.

[Anonymous No.5540709]

>>5540699
christ, youre right

[Anonymous No.5540713]

>put toast in toaster
>notice knob for how toasty you want is broken
>stick finger in hole thinking I could change the setting
>shocked pretty badly
>friend calls me idiot

THEN

>eggo waffle not going down far enough in toaster
>push waffle with finger
>touch metal part on accident
>shocked pretty badly
>friend calls me a fucking idiot

[Anonymous No.5540726]

>>5540713
>put toast in toaster
For what purpose?

[Anonymous No.5540727]

>>5540726
fuck I meant bread

[Anonymous No.5540729]

>>5540726

To toast it? I wat. What other reason is there to put anything into a toaster except you're that guy and want to get shocked. Twice

[Anonymous No.5540730]

>>5540729
>toasting toast

[Anonymous No.5540732]

>>5540730

Yes. Or do you want to eat toast untoasted?

[Anonymous No.5540734]

>>5540732
Is there a language barrier here?
Failing that, is there an adult we can speak to?

[Anonymous No.5540735]

>>5537297
I have a similar story OP
>be around 9
>making toast
>shitty toaster doesn't shoot up my toast so i devise an ingenious plan
>take fork and begin to prod the insides of toaster
>dad walks in and slaps my hand away before i became kill
>thanks dad

[Anonymous No.5540736]

>>5540734

I guess there is.

Don't you have bread that is intended to be toasted?

[Anonymous No.5540738]

>>5540736
Yes, but it's still bread(specifically a sliced pan) until it's toasted

[Anonymous No.5540740]

>>5540736

Well what do you know! We call that toast and actual bread, well, bread.

[Anonymous No.5540743]

>>5540740

Oh, quoted myself.>>5540738

[Anonymous No.5540781]

Begin with standard story: be 16, opened valve on fryer, gallons of grease on floor.
>fuck me, again?
>should not have got stoned on 15 minute break. again.
>grab box of salt to soak it up
>sous chef says "salt's expensive, use flour"
>some time later, learn what roux is.
>fucking grout.

Now 37, chef manager, have done this to several other kids. After I send them downstairs for a bucket of steam.

[Anonymous No.5540797]

>>5537297
>mandatory cooking class in secondary school
>making spaghettti bolognese
>arrive late, so I'm behind schedule
>don't have time to prepare vegetables first
>put spaghetti on and chop them while it's cooking
>back turned for too long
>in my hurry, I didn't push the spaghetti down enough in the pan
>it flops over the side
>hits the flame
>ignites
>cue panicked scramble to douse the spaghetti that's somehow on fire while submerged in water
>food ruined
>erryone laughing
>deeply ashamed

[Anonymous No.5540802]

>>5538287
This happened to me too anon

[Anonymous No.5540812]

>>5539947
When I was in high school, some dumb bitch, who was in all the advanced classes, put tin foil in the cafeteria's microwave, and she broke it.

[Anonymous No.5540861]

>>5540539
anon's greedy parents

[Anonymous No.5540864]

>>5540539

Rich people, anon. In all honesty though, they were the only two houses for a little distance, one being the farmhouse, and the other being some converted outbuildings. Now instead of having an awkward sort of overlap with a dickhead neighbour's property, they own a 13 bedroom complex and all the land around it.

[Anonymous No.5540888]

>>5538040
Didn't you watch The Brave Little Toaster?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YEdZh8a4ZvE

[Anonymous No.5540912]

>>5538556
All you have to do is pour some dish washing liquid down the drain to break up the fats.

[Anonymous No.5540931]

>>5537628
>mom had cast iron pot in the oven (I think beans or something, don't remember)
>didn't register that just because you can lift a pot off the stove doesn't mean you can lift it out of the oven
Ouchy.

[Anonymous No.5540936]

>>5540931
Yeah I did the same thing with stainless steel once. Was missing a palm print for a while.

[Anonymous No.5540946]

>put oil in frying pan
>pan too hot
>burn the oil
>what do what do
>put pan in sink
>turn on cold water full blast
>SMOKE AND HOT OIL EVERYWHERE
>turn water off and duck and cover
>the faucet is still dripping, once a second maybe
>every cold drop of water that hits the hot own makes oil fly up, and comes with a loud, popping noise
>was like that for am hour before it was safe to clean properly

Another time
>want to make pasta
>hmmm I'll add a bunch of garlic and mushrooms and onions and shit
>burn them
>fuck
>toss out as much as I can
>start over and just make sauce using same uncleaned pan
>tastes pretty good
>made sauce like that every time from then on
>yes, deliberately burning the veggies and then tossing them and starting over in the same pan

Later I learned I had independently discovered the soffritto. In a very, very wasteful and wrong way.

[Anonymous No.5540960]

>using fork to flip salmon in pan
>need hands
>put fork in mouth
>burns on tongue/in mouth

>drunk
>rum tastes delicious
>decide to hold it in mouth to appreciate the flavor
>have it there like 5 minutes
>next morning
>canker like sores in mouth all around gums
>spend 2 weeks afraid my teeth are going to fall out

It healed eventually.

[Anonymous No.5540981]

>>5537543
what are you, like 16 now?
seriously why would you still live with your parents. my parents were just fine but I'm not a fuckup, so I moved out when I was 17 and started life.

now going to school with no financial assistance from my family and I'm only 20.

[Anonymous No.5540982]

What exactly happens if you use a fork to get something out of a toaster?
I never had the misfortune to try it as a kid.

[Anonymous No.5541007]

>>5540982

Electricity happens, anon.

[Anonymous No.5541024]

>>5541007
Does this result vary between toasters? I've done it lots and nothing's happened

[Anonymous No.5541031]

>>5540982
>What exactly happens if you use a fork to get something out of a toaster?

Depends. If you're smart and/or coordinated enough to only touch something safe, then nothing at all.

On the other hand, if you accidentally touch the heating element then you could shock yourself.

[Anonymous No.5541044]

>>5537297
not me but told to me and I'm still laughing

>be in kitchen
>boil water for macaroni and cheese
>boil macaroni
>strain macaroni through colander
>colander is on kitchen counter not in sink
>boiling water everywhere

tearing up just thinking about this (it was a pretty smart cute girl told she did this)

[Anonymous No.5541106]

>>5537297
>be 15
>im going to makle fried rice
>put raw rice into hot oil

[Anonymous No.5541157]

>>5540735
You would've just gotten a modest shock anyway. 120 (or 240) VAC isn't that huge.

Unless you were using one fork in each hand.

[Anonymous No.5541159]

>>5540740
Shitty bread is still bread.

Good bread can still be toasted.

[Anonymous No.5541176]

>>5537297
>making sister's lunch for school at 4 in the morning because I can't sleep
>just finish making raspberry glazed nutmeg donuts
>floor a little oily, start to make her a little pasta next. Finish boiling the pasta and head over to the colander.
>slip on some of the oil while pouring boiling water/pasta through the colander
>water spills on leg
>tfw I am incredibly prone to permanent scarring
>i am forever damaged

[Anonymous No.5541195]

I was chopping chives the other day...
Kinda gore pic so not uploading it here, unsure what the rules say about it.
http://a.pomf.se/mqfpoz.jpg

[Anonymous No.5541210]

>3am, very very very drunk and hungry
>stumble into kitchen for a snack
>cheese, crackers, hard salami
>start cutting salami, my hand slips and cuts a massive flat into my index finger
>it's deep, nearly cut off the tip of my finger
>blood everywhere, countertops, cupboard, floor, white shirt
>fuck it im still hungry, wrap finger with a rag and electrical tape and eat my bloody snack
>7am im awoken to my old lady screaming in shock
>in the light it looks like a crime scene that was poorly cleaned up

long story short, never use sharp objects while under the influence. Rags and tape are not acceptable first aid either.

[Anonymous No.5541229]

>parents go to a casino for the weekend and leave me alone
>had no idea how to cook at the time, couldn't even boil water
>hungry as fuck and all they basically left is kraft mac and cheese

>decide to come up with my own solution
>drag our "family computer" and its desk (I had my own, this one was for everyone in the living room) into the kitchen by very carefully using extension cords
>turn my webcam on and get two of my friends into a webcam chat
>they have to fucking instruct me on how to cook this mac and cheese on the oven
>entire computer setup is right next to the stove with the webcam watching
>burn the macaroni and cheese
>cheese powder everywhere

>still ate

it was the best of times it was the worst of times

[Anonymous No.5541241]

>>5540781
I got sent for a bucket of steam as a potwash. Not long after I got sent for a metal sponge on a really busy night, laughed at chef and told him where to go, he was screaming at me but I wasn't going to be wound up again. He stormed out, returned two minutes later, waving it at me and shouting METAL FUCKING SPONGE

Kind of his own fault really

[Anonymous No.5541246]

ruined a pan because I forgot to turn the heat off

tried salvaging and still using it

looking back that probably wasn't the best idea...

[Anonymous No.5541254]

Did this when I was 10 or 11, at home during the summer.

>decide to make rice krispies treats
>have never made them
>how hard could it be?
>put a bunch of cereal in a big bowl
>mix in some marshmallows and butter and...
>was it sugar too?
>fuck it
>put some brown sugar in cause that shit is delicious
>wait
>this shit isn't mixing
>oh yeah
>melt everything on the stove
>fuck the stove
>microwave is easier
>better preheat the oven while it's melting
>can't find any info about how hot and long the oven cook should be
>about 400 degrees should do it
>spread mix into pyrex pan
>put into oven
>for 15 minutes
>should be done
>what the fuck
>hard as a rock
>maybe I have to let it cool
>nope
>still hard
>maybe if I spread peanut butter on top it will soften

And that's how I made a brick of rice krispies that I covered in peanut butter. I hate about a third of the pan in some sort of combination of self-spite and denial. I was not a smart child.

[Anonymous No.5541287]

>15 decide to cook a frozen pizza with a friend
>heat oven up grab PLASTIC cutting board
>hey anon that shits gonna melt
>it's cool man it'll clean faster
>20 minutes later smoke alarm gos off
>spend like 45 minutes cleaning melted plastic in the oven

[Anonymous No.5541300]

>>5541159

But it isn't called toast then, it's toasted bread. In Germany at least.

[Anonymous No.5541304]

>>5541195

FUCKING HELL JESUS FUCK

[Anonymous No.5541309]

>>5541304
Thanks. That's roughly what I said.

[Anonymous No.5541311]

>>5541254

>maybe if I spread peanut butter on top it will soften

I can't

[SENIOR BORRACHO No.5541322]

no big fuckups but I can't count the number of times I put something in the microwave, procrastinated going to get when its done because lazy, passed out and woke up the next day with room temp leftovers or frozen dinner still in the microwave.

also some advice somewhat related. if you must fap or diddle while your spicy food is cooking make sure to wash your hands very well first :3

[Anonymous No.5541348]

>tried to make candied bacon
>burned the sugar pretty badly
Didn't realize how quickly it burns in the oven.

>Had bacon grease leftover
>tried to make pancakes with it because why not
>tried to use the bacon grease as cooking oil
>everything stuck
>smelt like burnt bacon grease
Obviously I learned something that day.

[Anonymous No.5541354]

One time I held a colander from underneath when draining pasta.

Wasn't a proud moment

[Anonymous No.5541355]

Does /ck/ have burn marks half way up their arms from taking stuff out the oven and accidently knocking the rack above with my arm

I have a couple on my left arm,

[Anonymous No.5541364]

>>5541044
Oh god, I've done this

[Anonymous No.5541365]

>>5540982
You become toast.

[Anonymous No.5541371]

>>5541355
I have a small mark on my wrist from accidentally touching an oven grate wen taking out some pizza

[Anonymous No.5541387]

>>5539900
I was just thinking that.

[Anonymous No.5541395]

>wut

[Anonymous No.5541396]

>>5541355

My girlfriend has this, and she never cooks. Indeed, it's part of why I don't let her cook. She's also obsessively tidy and always tries to clean up around me while I'm cooking, sometimes binning or washing up stuff I'm still using. As a result she once grabbed the handle of a pan that was fresh out of the oven. She's also managed to cut herself washing my knives on at least one occasion, and if I ever get her to help out I'm always a little paranoid that she's going to end up hurting herself somehow.

[Anonymous No.5541413]

>be 15 or so
>hungry as fuck
>grab hotdog and put it in small pan with oil
>fire
>shitfuckshit
>can't find salt
>bring pot outside
>throw pot out in the yard
>anon what are you doing it's 1am

[Anonymous No.5541436]

>>5541355
I used to have a pretty good one on the inside of my left forarm. They disappear after a few years though.

[Anonymous No.5541473]

>>5540055
that's fucking hillllaaaaarious.

[Anonymous No.5541494]

I cracked an egg into a cast-iron pan on a maximum hot electric stove after the heat transferred all thoughout it to it's fullest potential even after noticing that the margarine I put on it sizzled horrifically.

[J-dawg !!EsaUrkUH6iP No.5541497]

>>5541355
I got dozens of scars from "juggling" knives. Especially on my fingertips, I could never commit crimes now ;_;

[Anonymous No.5541501]

>>5540738
It can be bread halfway through being in the toaster. Someone might set their toaster to 3, and someone might set theirs to 5, after a while of being in the toaster it's well enough toasted, yet you can still keep going for minutes afterwards. Checkmate.

[Anonymous No.5541531]

>>5541501
welp I butchered my point with an awful typo.

BREAD can be TOAST halfway through BEING TOASTED in the toaster.

[Anonymous No.5541552]

>>5538009
>cooking bacon naked
>some grease shoots out
>lands on my dick's head
>dick instantly shrinks up, pseudo-foreskin seems to be intentionally trapping the grease against me

Pretty shitty night.

[Anonymous No.5541570]

>>5541241

>METAL FUCKING SPONGE

[Anonymous No.5541614]

>>5541552
This is one of the scenarios in which I would be jealous of an uncircumsized man had I experienced the ordeal. I'm sure there are more.

[Anonymous No.5541638]

>>5538287
White people get off so easy for this shit. When I did this, my mom whipped me with a clothes hanger. I was like 10.

[Anonymous No.5541645]

Told this here before, but oh well.

>be about 12
>decide to make ramen
>begin boiling noodles on stove
>go off to play GTA SA while it cooks
>absurd amount of time later
>what's that weird starchy smell
>no
>run to kitchen to find my ramen had been reduced to a bubbling unrecognizable mush (had the burner low enough that it didn't burn)
>pour contents of pot into sink
>no solids or identifiable noodles
>resembles fluffy, soggy lard
>semi-solid goo slides effortlessly into drain
>grossed out and lose appetite
>was turned off of ramen for almost a decade

[Anonymous No.5541732]

>>5537611
Fucking cackled so hard that I woke my gf. Whore would never understand.

[Anonymous No.5541742]

>>5537626
>no eyebrows available

'Twas a hearty cackle. 'Twas a hearty chuckle indeed.

[Anonymous No.5541772]

>>5540393
>my oven's 'turn off when timer finishes' feature
that can be a thing?

Why isn't that always a thing?

[Anonymous No.5541775]

>>5537686
What happened exactly?

Your wok caught on fire because you put oil in it?

[Anonymous No.5541779]

>>5541732
>I don't have a gf
we know bro.

we know.

[Anonymous No.5541821]

>>5541195
noooope

[Anonymous No.5541825]

>>5541772
this is the specific oven if you're interested
http://www.nordmende.ie/ovens/built-in-double-oven-DOI302BL
It's about €600, but it's fitted and doesn't have a hob so you'd have to get a separate one(http://www.nordmende.ie/hobs/60cm-ceramic-hob-HC62FL was the one I had fitted, cba with gas).
Then again, that might be an advantage, since electric ovens are arguably better than gas and gas hobs are arguably better than electric

[Anonymous No.5541832]

>>5541355
Not the rack, but I have a burn mark just below my bicep from the actual baking tray because I reeled it in too close to my chest when I was a kid and my arms were real short

>was scared of ovens for several years after

[Anonymous No.5541862]

>>5541229
>couldn't even boil water

I see this all the time, it's just an expression that means "I can't cook for shit", right? There aren't actually people who don't know how to boil water...

...right?

[Anonymous No.5541971]

>>5537736
>>5537747

That's why you look before you reach in something to grab anything you fucking kike.

[Anonymous No.5541995]

>>5540981
>I only had to work for 4 years to afford community college!

[Anonymous No.5542060]

>>5537777
>n0ce quads

[Anonymous No.5542061]

>>5541862
Dude, I fuckin' hope so. I can't possibly comprehend how someone could fuck up raising the temperature of water without somehow wholly ruining it.

>tfw my mom would whoop my ass if I would slightly overcook pasta

Fuckin parents need to beat their kids more.

[Anonymous No.5542070]

>>5541044
anon i found her >>5541176

[Anonymous No.5542128]

>>5541732

I smiled

[Anonymous No.5542129]

>>5541995
Not that guy, but what degree(s) do you have and from what schools?

[Anonymous No.5542378]

> mom says she's making hot wings for dinner, my favorite
> have to work
> mom says she'll leave me some in refrigerator.
>come home drunk, find wings
> eat 2 or 3 before realizing they're uncooked

[Anonymous No.5542398]

>>5542061
>Fuckin parents need to beat their kids more.
They really don't.
If you wouldn't beat your wife or mother to discipline them then why would you hit someone a fifth of your size/weight?

[Anonymous No.5542448]

>>5542398
I don't see a problem with any of those situations

[Anonymous No.5542462]

>>5542448
there is a difference in beating kids and spanking them or something similar. Nothing wrong with disciplining your children.

[Anonymous No.5542490]

>>5541229
>on the oven

[Anonymous No.5542497]

>>5541024
you were lucky enough not to touch the heating coil. It's possible but tricky, definitely not something a kid should be doing.

[Anonymous No.5542499]

>>5541254
>>maybe if I spread peanut butter on top it will soften
>maybe if I spread peanut butter on top it will soften
>maybe if I spread peanut butter on top it will soften
>maybe if I spread peanut butter on top it will soften

[Anonymous No.5542538]

>>5541287
>>it's cool man it'll clean faster

The fuck does that even mean.

[Anonymous No.5542745]

>>5537689
>>5537698
>>5537683
Awning

[Anonymous No.5542753]

not stupidest but it happened last night
>microwave peanut butter in jar for brownies
>microwave starts making noise and flashing blue
>freak out and run over to open it
>some metal leftover from the seal.

also my mother has poured water into a pyrex pan that has been/was in the oven which resulted in it shattering. I think she's done it more than once

[hairball !!pQHs/QThnQH No.5542754]

my mother used to buy bread and then put it in the freezer to ruin it

when i was like 11 i got frustrated and put the loaf still in the bag inside the microwave. oops, fire

[Anonymous No.5542755]

>>5542753
i did that with a pop tart wrapper
i wonder why they wrap them in metal vs paper or plastic

[Anonymous No.5542757]

All this forks in toasters nonsense. So long as the toaster isn't running at the time, you won't get shocked. I rummage around in mine all the time.

[Anonymous No.5542761]

>>5537543
why didn't you just life the handle up?

[Anonymous No.5542767]

Story unrelated to topic but is mildly humorous and I have to tell it

>eating breakfast with bud at a buffet in vegas the other day
>we're talking about an all you can eat steakhouse called the brazillian bull
>asks me if I like meat
>as he asks me this I notice he has a 2" piece of bacon hanging from the corner of his goatee'd mouth
>tell him that apparently he like meat too
>laughed a little at first but for some reason started laughing uncontrollably a couple mins later

We're talking about tears rolling down my cheeks
I also thought I was ok and then took a drink of oj and then started laughing again and shot it all over the table via my nostrils
Anybody's else get the giggles lately?

[Anonymous No.5542771]

>>5537297
we used to throw ice cubes in the deep fryer all the time when i worked at burger king
never got hurt, what's the big fuckin deal

[Anonymous No.5542776]

>>5541195
Huh, I thought that was going to be salad fingers.

[Anonymous No.5542995]

>>5541772
yes it is awesome

[Anonymous No.5543085]

i nearly burned my place down a few times by starting to cook stuff while on xanax or valium then passing out

[Anonymous No.5543115]

>>5543085
when people say "pass out", do you literally mean everything just went dark all the sudden or did you just get really sleepy and couldn't stay awake?

[Anonymous No.5543120]

>>5538490
>I've bought so many replacements for that stove.

[Anonymous No.5543135]

Threw an ice cube in the fryer where I work once because I was bored. That was an entertaining 3 minutes where a customer could've walked in and flipped shit.

[Anonymous No.5543146]

>>5543115
It's kind of a combination. Usually involves a little memory loss. There's a difference between drunk/high passing out and passing out for other reasons though. I have very low blood pressure, and have passed out a couple of times due to it. When that happens, I go super light headed, start sweating, and then I wake up on the ground. Passing out from getting drunk is just waking up the next morning and being like "wha... where... how did I get here? When did I go to sleep?"

[Anonymous No.5543147]

>>5542995
I had an oven that did that. It was so awesome.

[Anonymous No.5543192]

>late 90s
>everyone and their cousin has a fucking microwave
>everyone except my gf poorfag family
>they finally get one at a garage sale or something
>damn thing weighed a ton
>no digital display just a turn dial and an actual bell inside for when it was done
>get dropped off at gf house
>she was home alone
>smoke pouring out of kitchen
>wtf did you do
>gf had a brain fart and microwaved a metal travel mug
>inside of microwave charred black
>mug in even worse condition
>her mom threw the microwave out in fear of it not being safe to cook in anymore

[Anonymous No.5543212]

>>5543146
>I have very low blood pressure
must be nice, pic related

[Anonymous No.5543222]

>>5543212
Actually it completely sucks ass. Like I said, I loose consciousness from time to time, I'm light headed all the time, if I stand up too quickly I have to hold myself up, and I actually wrecked my car once because of it.

[Anonymous No.5543223]

>>5543115

Most mean they just fell asleep because they seem to have no idea what passing out actually means, oh well. Except for >>5543146 as it seems.

[Anonymous No.5543234]

>>5543212
did you give yourself 5 minutes of resting before you took it?

i went to get a physical for my job a few months ago and the first thing they did after i walked in from the waiting room was take my blood pressure

she asked how long i'd been sitting in the waiting room and i said an hour - but that doesn't count because i just had to walk over here bitch

needless to say my pressure was high and lowered as i rested longer, also i was attracted to the first nurse who took it. not sure if that had anything to do with it.

[Anonymous No.5544119]

>>5537658
>toaster oven
literally the only place you cant heat up taco shells without fire. Live and learn

[Anonymous No.5544123]

>>5543212
You look like a fatass.

[Anonymous No.5544163]

>Get drunk one night with a couple friends
>Get hungry and think it's a good idea to try to make chili cheese fries
>Long story short, ended up slipping on some oil on the ground and dunking my hand in the oil I was gonna use for the fries
>luckily it wasn't that hot yet but still burnt my hand really badly
And then after I got out of the hospital I got in a fight. Thing is, I forgot about my bandaged hand and punched the shit out of him with it. As he fell to the ground I became aware of the pain in my hand and screamed. Apparently it looked like I knocked the dude out and screamed at him while he was lying there. Fun times .

[Anonymous No.5544182]

>deep frying
>"this shits easy!"
>"I can totally do this!"
>fill pot with olive oil
>cover it
>make fire hot as fucking gets
>smoke
>smoke everywhere
>the entire apartment is smoke!
At least I got to eat raw chicken that night.

[Anonymous No.5544199]

>>5544163

Fratboy detected.

[Anonymous No.5544212]

>drunk and hungry
>eat whole loaf of banana bread I made earlier
>continue to get completely assblasted
>barf in a dirty mixing bowl in kitchen
>drunk me takes the opportunity to bake the newly created batter

the smell in the morning, fuck.

[Anonymous No.5544215]

>>5537777
do u stillhave any scars?

[Anonymous No.5544262]

>10 or 11 years old
>first time baking bread
>excited it's turning out well
>put loaf in oven to rise on a plastic cutting board
>it's done rising so I turn on the oven
>come back to check on it
>open the oven and roll bread to the side
>why is there strings connecting the bread to the-
>plastic cutting board
>bread is ruined plastic drippings and strings all over the oven

[Anonymous No.5544290]

>>5538478
I want to know what happened next.

[SENIOR BORRACHO No.5544295]

>>5544212
what the fuck man. are you saying you baked the vomit?

[Anonymous No.5544296]

>>5538566
>trying to make rice no idea what im doing it becomes starchy and mushy I add chocolate and herbs. chocolate should fix it.
Were you typing this by sounding like your 10-year-old self? Because it sounds adorable that way, but creepy if you're a grown-ass man and still type like that.

[Anonymous No.5544303]

>>5539914
you got blisters because you ran it under the cold tap. the fast transition of hot to cold causes blisters, run it under warm or lukewarm water next time

[Anonymous No.5544330]

>>5540391
had it in austria, fucking good with apple sauce

[Anonymous No.5544336]

>>5539604
I know way too many people that would've had a terrible ending in that scenario.

[Anonymous No.5544339]

>Around 14
>Getting pan out of oven
>Heavier than I remember
>Lift my elbow up to get more leverage
>Forearm touches broiler element
Fortunately I wasn't using the broiler, so it was only as hot as the air in the oven. Healed without a scar.

>Be like 10 or so
>Want to make pasta
>No clean pots
>Fuck that, Pyrex is heat-resistant, right?
>Put Pyrex mixing bowl full of water on gas range and crank it to max
>Later dad digs glass shards out of my feet with a swiss army knife

I felt like an idiot.

[Anonymous No.5544341]

>>5540713
you know what they say all toasters toast toast

if you get the reference i love you

[Anonymous No.5544343]

>be 12(ish)
>want brownies
>mom says go ahead and make some, there's a box of mix in the pantry
>get batter ready
>put in pan
>bake for recommended amount of time
>huh, these still feel soft
>put back in for five minutes
>still soft
>another 10
>take out
>remember toothpick test
>toothpick's clean
>come back an hour later once they've cooled
>hard as a fucking rock
We had a good laugh about it and made them into something like crumbled Oreos

Only bad injury I've had (so far) is going full retard while making tea and holding the mug in my hand as I was pouring fresh-off-the-boil water into it. Managed to splash it all over the back of my hand and got a nice burn that took about two weeks to heal.

[Anonymous No.5544414]

>>5541322
>working with strong chilies that don't wash off immediately
>that confusing feeling when you actually grow to enjoy the sensation

Mexican cuisine... it's opened a door that should have been left shut.

[Anonymous No.5544417]

>>5537777
Motherfucking quads!!!

[Anonymous No.5544418]

>>5544295
y-yes

[Anonymous No.5544422]

>>5541355
Funny you say that. Someone had pulled out trays of bacon at my job a week ago, then left the rack by the break area (they're pretty much side-by-side. Terrible planning.)
One tray was out a bit, and I bumped it with my left elbow.
There is now a two-inch dark mark that will no doubt join my collection of burns and scars.

[Anonymous No.5544437]

>>5539604
That's some scary shit, anon.

>>5539640
>>5538556
>>5540055
>>5540797
>>5541106
>>5541210
>>5541241
>>5541254
>>5542767
Thanks for the laughs

>>5541862
Some people just can't into logic in the kitchen, anon, especially kitchen newbies. Years ago, my sister tried to boil water, but decided to leave it too long and returned to a pot of evaporated mess.

[Anonymous No.5544497]

>>5544212
>>5544418

Mother of God, man.

[Anonymous No.5544610]

>>5542753
I feel like glass used for cooking should be shatter proof by now.

[Anonymous No.5544647]

>Be 17.
>Cutting ghost peppers with a knife. (Epic taco night at someone's house the next day or so)
>Put knife into the dishwasher and leave the kitchen.
>Two hours later my family comes over for a BBQ.
>Aunt is cutting up fruits and veggies for stuff.
>Aunt cuts apple slices for my 7 year old cousin.
>The same knife.
>Kid goes insane, bites his tongue, blood everywhere.
>Kid starts to have an athsma(sp?) attack
>I give insight into what happened.
>I try to explain that the knife was in the dishwasher.
>Nobody cares. How dare I do that to a child.
>Everyone goes home, and to this day my uncle treats me like shit.

[Anonymous No.5544662]

>>5544647
>>Nobody cares. How dare I do that to a child.
>>Everyone goes home, and to this day my uncle treats me like shit.

Good, fuck'em. One less christmas card you have to send.

[Anonymous No.5544683]

>>5544647
The least you could have done was inform them that you used a certain knife for ghost peppers. Still, it wasn't really your fault, especially since you didn't even purposely do it. Fuck them, I guess.

[Smith the CIA Agent No.5544688]

>>5544647
Wait, the response to having spicy food is to go insane and bite your tongue?

[Anonymous No.5544713]

>>5539604
>sneezing in the sink

Are you mentally challenged by law standards?

[Anonymous No.5544736]

>>5544688
The kid was 7 and it was a ghost pepper.

[Anonymous No.5544745]

>>5544688

Yes, eating a hot pepper can produce symptoms consistent with demonic possession. See Exhibit A:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8ip5oGlMfU

[Anonymous No.5544826]

>>5541365
I refuse to Google a Carlos picture.

[Anonymous No.5544982]

>walk downstairs
>see brother putting bread in the microwave
>wtf r u doin
>"making toast"

>wake up
>microwave on fire
>I PUT THE BAGEL PIZZAS IN FOR 400 MINUTES I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED MAN

do people not know what microwaves are for or how to properly use them these days or what?

[Anonymous No.5545060]

>room mate uses blender and some how melts the plastic rod connecting the blades, to the plastic of the blender.
>try to get it unstuck
>fold up a dish towel a bunch of times figuring it would be safe to grab.
>blender blade rips through like 30 layers of cloth and slices my shit.

props to the company for making some sharp ass blades

pic related, my hand meat with a half an inch deep gash in it, I could see my thumb bone, lel.
Excuse my crusty ass finger.

[Anonymous No.5545193]

>>5544212
That is so many kinds of wrong.

>be me, move into better half's deceased grandma's house and we take possession of her things
>granny had a lot of kitchenware
>among it all was a fantastic old-fashioned glass coffee percolator
>lovely but we're not really coffee fans
>use it to heat water for hot tea instead (without the metal parts of course)
>do this for a while
>one day ...
>put water filled pot on gas stove as usual, turn on, walk away
>get into some videogame or some shit, I don't remember what
>long time later
>hear loud scary noise from kitchen, think the house is blowing up
>check stove. pot has completely shattered into a hundred pieces, glass everywhere (but very little water)
>antique destroyed by careless inattention
>oh well at least I wasn't standing next to it when it blew


>sad.jpg

[Anonymous No.5545318]

>>5545060
why the fuck would you fuck with ANYTHING when its still plugged in.

[Anonymous No.5545414]

>>5545318
lol, it wasn't the blade was just sharp enough that when I started tugging on it, it sliced through. I'm not THAT dumb.

[Anonymous No.5545929]

>>5540960
Why would rum do that to your mouth? It's only 80 proof. If anything, it should just kill the bacteria that are all over your teeth.

[Anonymous No.5546596]

>>5545060

Aw man. Oh jeez. Dude.

[Smith the CIA Agent No.5546693]

>>5545060
I once got a cut like that one on the heel of my foot in a non-cooking related accident. I swam into the propeller of a thankfully stationary boat.

[Anonymous No.5546740]

>making butternut squash soup at work
>forget i have a spice sachet
>willitblend.jpg
>catch blender on fire

pic related

[Anonymous No.5546974]

>>5541355
right now i have maybe four of those on each arm

i have a tremor, though, and i smoke a lot of weed so its just my hand/eye coordination

[Anonymous No.5547248]

>>5539934
Did you marry him? Sounds like marriage material.

[Anonymous No.5547275]

>unemployed, surviving on low-cost meals
>decide to make big pot of chili
>buy ingredients, including chili powder, at grocery store
>start cooking, add in 2tbsp chili powder
>it's redder than usual
>and it smells odd
>read label
>ingredients: cayenne

Goddamn mislabeled spice packet ruined my chili. I tried to salvage it because I didn't have much money to spend on meals. It was like eating hate.

[Anonymous No.5547300]

>got my first real chefs knife for my birthday like age 18
>family is sitting in the living room next to the kitchen
>im making dinner since im excited to try out my knife
>i actually say "you gotta be careful with these things, theyre not the dull baby toys youre used to" as im cutting a bell pepper IN MY HAND
>knife goes through the pepper like butter and slices all the way across the palm of my hand
>i run to the sink, bleeding like a motherfucker, while my family laughs at me for being an arrogant prick

[Anonymous No.5547304]

>>5547275
Must have been a small pot if 2 tbsp was to much, just add salt, garlic, onion powder, peprika, pepper, and cumin and you would have been fine.

[Anonymous No.5547595]

>wake up at 4am, have to pee
>notice kind of a funny smell
>go downstairs, open kitchen door
>wall of smoke, disgusting burnt smell
>see my brother passed out on the kitchen table
>he wanted to make a pizza when he came home drunk what seems like at least 2 hours ago
>take a tiny black charcoal disk out of the oven that you could kill someone's child with
>tfw my brother could have died of smoke poisoning if I hadn't had too much tea the previous evening

our house smelled like shit for about a week. also my parents sent my brother to therapy after

[Anonymous No.5547661]

>>5541241
>>5540781
i dont get it

[Anonymous No.5547798]

>>5540981
Not him but the cost of living is very high where I live.
I work 50 hours per week and can just about afford a tiny 2 room appartment.
Not enough to spare for a small car.
Moving out at 17 and being self-reliant would have been impossible for me.

[Anonymous No.5547860]

>>5541157
120v at 15-20 amps can kill you retard
the voltage isnt nearly as important as the current
but yeah stop telling people retarded ass things that could get them killed and go shove your fingers in an outlet and let us know how that goes

[Anonymous No.5547883]

>>5541825
or you could just buy a cheap outlet timer for a couple dollars and plug your oven into that

[Anonymous No.5547898]

>>5542462
if you cant rationalize with your kid or have enough of their respect that they trust when you tell them something (which you would have if you at least attempted to rationalize with them and treat them like a human being) then you probably shouldnt have kids

if you dont have the time to explain or cant articulate a reason or understand one yourself thats on you
please dont have kids if you cant raise them properly weve got too many idiots running around as it is

[Anonymous No.5548065]

When I was around ten, I left my fingers and a spoon in the garbage disposal when I turned it on.

[Anonymous No.5548141]

>>5547661

Getting a bucket of steam is kind of difficult. And pointless. And a joke. I guess. Metal sponges do exist. No idea what that grease+flour thing is aboutl

[Anonymous No.5548340]

>>5541775
not him but:
>put oil in wok
>put lid on wok
>heat on high temperature to reach deep fryer conditions
>oil gets to hot
>CRITICAL HEAT
>oil ignites when air comes into the wok
>fire.png
And there you have a nice greasefire.