/ck/ - Food & Cooking

[Anonymous No.5402073]

okay so I have this borderline-retarded roommate who basically smokes weed, eats frozen pizzas or corndogs, and plays Candy Crush all day long.

About a week ago he started saying "DEELISH", "SWEET", "TASTY", whatever in that stupid fucking voice after every single bite, no matter what he eats.

Every. Single. Bite. I am not even exaggerating. As I post this I can hear him eating cereal in the living room saying "DEELISH", "MMMM TASTY" in a deep weird voice.

I hear this at least one hundred times a day and feel like I'm going to explode. I talked to him about it and he gave me a weird look and told me to stop being so uptight. I swear that he doesn't even know he does it anymore.

Anyone have me beat for worst roommate and food issue?

[Anonymous No.5402093]

Just reading that story gave me an anger-induced aneurysm and I died. Thanks, OP.

Nothing serious, but I had some roommates who never cleaned the kitchen to the point where one of our other housemates left a bunch of their unwashed dishes in a basin of soapy water in their bedroom while they were away to retaliate.

I guess I also had some roommates who put their cats' litterboxes in our kitchen and let them get out of hand, but that's not really food, per se. I took care of that one by pleading them to clean the box for three months to no avail. Our kitchen eventually just stank of ammonia and one of the cats was shitting in random places. I felt bad for the cat and I thought about just giving in and cleaning it, but it had become some kind of moral issue for me.

I asked her directly multiple times to clean it. Eventually I just took to loudly complaining about it whenever she had friends over to publicly shame her into doing it, and that worked. Made me feel like a fucking asshole, though.

[Anonymous No.5402094]

Is he really so undsicriminating in what he consumes?

Put some antifreeze in a beverage that only he drinks. Goodbye retard. Everyone will assume he took his own life.

[Anonymous No.5402099]

>>5402094
read about that shit in the news

the guy who put the anti-freeze got sued and end up being owned financially by the dick head he was trying to kill

not a good idea

[Anonymous No.5402101]

mind your own fucking business FAGGOT

[Anonymous No.5402134]

You'll enjoy this thread OP
>>5379313

[Anonymous No.5402147]

>>5402094
You know when something like that happens, the first people investigated are the ones closest to the victim?

Even if you're joking, it's not a clever joke.

[Anonymous No.5402153]

>>5402094
the word is indiscriminate

god

[Anonymous No.5402171]

>>5402134
I have a couple of stories about my sister in that thread.

New story involving my sister! Fresh from yesterday afternoon:
>at parents' house
>hear sister stomp into the kitchen
>She starts cooking something
>2? 3? minutes later fire alarm goes off
>run into kitchen
>find sister fanning smoke away from fire alarm with newspaper
>"ahahaha i forgot to turn on the exhaust fan anon"
>look at stove
>eggs in frying pan with black smoke coming out of them
>HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN
>she didn't turn the stove off when she went to deal with the fire alarm either
>tfw I've cooked tons of shit on that stove without turning on the exhaust fan before without ever setting off the fire alarm and this dumbass can't even cook eggs without a mishap

More:
>our parents buy a lot of canned soup
>sister likes to open several cans of different soups at once and mix them together
>once mixed clam chowder and chicken noodle soup
>it actually tasted fine, but she burnt the soup
>how does soup even burn?!?!
>most of it was edible, but there were potatoes and clams burnt and fused to the bottom of the pot

[Anonymous No.5402182]

>power goes out
>I clean out the fridge, roommate says he'll take care of the freezer
>cool he's helping out for once
>two days go by
>he confirms he took care of it
>week goes by
>something smells off
>go to open the freezer
>see maggots crawling along the handle

I completely lost it. At that point I was always cleaning up after his dog, always pulling out molding, maggot infested food from his room, cleaning all the hair he'd leave in the tub and sink and scrubbing his crusty ass dishes that'd sit there for weeks. And when he didn't immediately out down his Xbox controller? I beat the ever loving shit out of him.

Now he cleans up after himself. I never thought I'd hurt anyone but I was livid. I got a GLIMSPE of what it looked like in the freezer and it was straight out of Silent Hill.

[Anonymous No.5402187]

>>5402171
More:
>parents bought a box of mixed chicken soups
>box had two varieties: chicken rice soup and chicken noodle
>sister would take all of the chicken rice soup for herself
So selfish.

Even more still:
>about 10 years ago
>sister gets idea to get up early and make breakfast for everyone
>wakes me up because she wants my help
>pulls a plastic box of pancake mix out of nowhere
>it's the kind of shit where you just add milk/water to the container, shake, and pour
>she doesn't read instruction on container, adds whatever amount of water she feels like
>cooks batter on skillet over high heat
>rubbery yellow and black (burnt) splotchy pancakes
>mom & little brother both think it's disgusting
>"here anon, the rest of the batter is yours"
>I add more water to the batter
>cook that shit over medium-low heat
>golden brown pancakes
>"Anon, how come mine don't look like that?"
Some people just have problems following instructions, man

[Anonymous No.5402188]

This was a few years ago
>At a friends apartment
>His vastly overweight roommate is there playing his computer in gym shorts and a wife-beater undershirt
>First time I met him, try to be nice. He's playing a game I played at the time (Star Trek Online)
>He's kind of rude but whatever I'm talking to him while he's trying to play video games
>Notice he has a bottle of ranch dressing sitting next to him
>Think nothing of it maybe he got done eating something, maybe he's a slob and just hasn't put it away
>There's a number of sane and rational explanations
>Chatting with friend and getting ready to leave when the guy PICKS UP THE BOTTLE AND JUST STARTS FUCKING DRINKING OUT OF IT
>I gag a little right there and my friend and I left
>Ask him, apparently the guy does this all the time and goes through like 3 bottles a week

Yes this is America

[Anonymous No.5402205]

>>5402073
Some background:

My roommate and I have known each other since 7th grade, we're both approaching our mid-twenties now.

I was always more of the intellectual, took more readily to computers - he dropped out of high school and joined the army, he works as a mechanic now.

He knows jack shit about cooking.

I've been trying to lose weight for some time now, and I've found my successful formula: beans and rice.

He complains about the way the kitchen smells after I cook a pot of beans (beans are in the fridge and any dirty dishes are gone). I say fuck you, I'll fuck you up over my beans.

On the other hand: he does nothing but eat fast food every single fucking day, multiple times a day. I used to do it to, until I was broke and fat(ter) all the time. Like seriously, on his days off he:

>wakes up at his usual time of 7, goes to get kolaches or doughnuts, or whataburger breakfast
>eats them in bed while watching something, passes out for 3-4 hours
>wakes up, makes a pot of coffee (oh fuck him and his coffee)
>states that he's hungry, asks if I want anything
>goes to Taco Bell, Whataburger, etc..
>comes back, watches something, and 50/50 chance he falls asleep again
>around midnight he'll pour a massive bowl of either chocolate frosted flakes, reeses puffs or frosted cheerios and/or a 1/4gallon bowl of ice cream
>goes to sleep before I do
>drinks a 24 pack of mountain dew in 3 days
>drinks rockstar, NOS and monster like it's going out of style

Meanwhile I eat a few granola bars throughout the day, maybe have whataburger once a month, drink lots of water, and usually have rice and beans for dinner around 10 at night Yet he can't stand the smell of my beans.

Somehow when he pours his cups of coffee, the coffee pot dribbles a lot of coffee down the side.

Instead of pouring over the sink or anything else. He just sets paper towels down over the decorative mat underneath the coffee pot, which is probably all mold now.

I'm so glad my mom taught me to cook.

[Anonymous No.5402213]

>>5402205
>Somehow when he pours his cups of coffee, the coffee pot dribbles a lot of coffee down the side.

I fucking hate how much finesse it takes to pour from a goddamn drip pot. Just slightly pour too much, and it dribbles down the side. God forbid you want to fill a cup within two seconds.

[Anonymous No.5402227]

>>5402213
I don't drink coffee, but I understand exactly what you're talking about.

He's impatient as fuck.

There's a mat that sits under the coffee maker. It's brownish green - it may have been greener in the past

There are brown splotches of dried coffee all around that mat

There are always bunched up paper towels piled up in that section of the counter

I've told him before, just fucking pour over the sink, you dumb fuck, this should be a non-issue

And yet, he constantly tells me I really have to clean the kitchen because the stove is a little dirty from the pot of beans boiling over a couple times and from me setting down my stirring spoon on the counter.

[Anonymous No.5402232]

>>5402227
stop

[Anonymous No.5402242]

>>5402232
We've lived together since October 2012 - that mat has been there with that coffee maker since then.

I'm the only one who buys paper towels.

[Anonymous No.5402253]

>>5402242
Sabotage the coffee machine. Open it up and break something that looks important, put back together.
Enjoy his pain.

[Anonymous No.5402906]

>>5402205
Do you feel obliged to be friends with him still or what?

[Anonymous No.5402912]

>>5402073
1. Buy meat
2. Wait 3 or 4 days
3. The meat should be rotten, cook it
4. Serve her : she won't say DEELISH this time.

[Anonymous No.5402930]

>>5402227

I can't see how the occasional splash of coffee is worse than you stinking the kitchen out with bean-funk and encrusting the hob because you're too much of a retard to turn the heat down before it boils over.

[Anonymous No.5402943]

>>5402073
1) get a rock
2) put it in a sock
3) beat him senseless
problem solved

[Anonymous No.5402983]

>>5402242
>>5402253

Sabotage, yes. Break something? NO.
Put a drop of Dawn dish detergent in the coffee maker, preferably in the pot. Coffee is made up of a bunch of different oils, dawn breaks these up and it tastes like utter shit.

[Anonymous No.5403011]

>>5402093
wtf poor cats. I would have moved out and stolen them but I'm a sucker for cats.

I clean my cats box everyday unless I'm being lazy and then every two three days but its so big with enough litter leaving it a day or three with two cats hardly fills it.

Also I just scoop poop/clumps. Not dump out the whole thing. With a scoop and a plastic bag (Ziploc yo) the process takes less than 5 minutes.

How fucking lazy can you be? Assholes.

[Anonymous No.5403281]

>>5402906
Other than this we're really good friends.

>>5402930
It's not occasional, it's multiple times a day. They boil over when I let them simmer and I don't add meat, usually a bit of vegetable oil and/or bouillon will keep it from foaming over, but I cook on a gas range and it's difficult to find the spot between "this shit's on fire, yo" and "half the burner is off ya dumbass".

He absolves himself of ever cleaning the kitchen or doing dishes because he argues all he uses is the coffee maker, an assload of coffee mugs and a few plates.

>>5402983
That's too evil, fucking with a man's coffee is messed up.

[Anonymous No.5403914]

>>5402182
>maggots
I cringed.
I'm perfectly fine with most bugs, but there's just something about maggots...

[Anonymous No.5403979]

>>5402227
Your kitchen sounds disgusting. Mine used to be too, until I started using clorox wipes. Seriously, these things are a godsend. Everytime after washing dishes I go over all 20-ish sq ft of my counters plus the stove with a single wipe (takes about a minute) and my kitchen looks great. They get my kitchen so much cleaner than when I use a sponge+elbow grease. Every once in a while I leave something on the stove that boils over and leaves a mess and the wipes cut through that shit so fucking easily, even when it's dried. Each individual wipe comes out to about 8 cents if you buy the big container btw. I also use clorox wipes with my swiffer mop and they're better than swiffer wipes on kitchen tiles which usually are covered in food, grease, and whatnot

tl;dr if you're a lazy fuck who doesn't want to work hard to keep your kitchen clean, use clorox wipes on everything

[Anonymous No.5404003]

>roommate who never fucking cleans anything ever
>roommate who goes on long tirades over trivial things (usually aformentioned guy not cleaning)
>blamed by both for how filthy the house gets
>mfw I use two rooms in the house and clean them all
>mfw I dont invite slobs over like they do
>mfw I go to school, work, come home and do shit on the computer, nothing else

[Anonymous No.5404015]

>>5404003
>former roommate honestly tried to fistfight me over a spill on the counter I didnt make
>popped one of his eyeballs and he moved out a week later

[Anonymous No.5404026]

>>5404015
>popped one of his eyeballs

Do tell

[Anonymous No.5404133]

>>5404026
>tries to punch me in the back of the head and get me on the ground
>only managed to do the former
>turn around and drive an index finger into the closest soft part
>this was an eyesocket

[Anonymous No.5404154]

>>5402073
My own roommates have been fairly decent but I did have a friend with a stoner roommate. Sometimes I'd go hang out with him just to smoke off of him. He'd be in pajama pants by 8 most nights and also lived off mostly frozen pizzas. Odd guy. His family was loaded and he always invited me to go with him and some of his buddies on a boat ride down to Miami but I never took him up on the offer.

[Anonymous No.5404160]

sounds like he is watching too much Rachael Ray. EVOO

[Anonymous No.5404195]

>>5404133
d-did you get sued?
that's my ultimate fear

[Anonymous No.5404204]

>>5404133
Did you eat it ?

[Anonymous No.5404227]

>have grotesquely obese roommate
>thinks she is cooking god despite all of the inedible food she's made and wasted
>gets defensive and angry when you try to offer advice
>she decides to prepare a nice dinner for a guy friend she's been trying to get to fuck her
>decides to make spaghetti and meatballs
>puts fistfulls of plain hamburger meat into a slow cooker, dumps jarred pasta sauce on them, turns it on high and declares them meatballs
>used the slow cooker because she "didn't feel like fucking with it"
>wat
>starts her pasta right after turning the slow cooker on
>gently tell her why that's a bad idea
>epicfattybitchrage engages so I just leave her to finish her monstrosity
>return to kitchen a few hours later to find fatty even angrier
>insists I tampered with her meatballs as they're swimming in grease and falling apart
>no shit
>also see that she left the cooked pasta sitting their water to "keep it hot" while the meat cooked
>they've been almost reduced to mush
>declares the meal done and invites the guy over
>he eats what he can out of politeness
>later hear him leave after she was obviously coming on way too strong
>calls him a fat-shaming fairyboy who can't handle a real woman as he's leaving
>mfw she orders a medium pizza and lava crunch cake before bed to calm her nerves

[Anonymous No.5404248]

>>5404227
saved for fat hate threads

>>>/fit/26402976

[Anonymous No.5404261]

>>5402094
use nicotine its easy to extract and almost impossible to detect short of a full autopsy

and cooks have always been poisoners so this topic is still /ck/ related

[Anonymous No.5404289]

>>5402227

>from me setting down my stirring spoon on the counter.

thats fucking gross dude, use a mug

[Anonymous No.5404300]

>>5404227

How did she trick him into coming over at all ?

[Anonymous No.5404345]

Anyone remember this gem?

[Anonymous No.5404404]

>>5404300
He is a mutual friend of ours and he was trying to be nice. He's told her on many occasions that he is in no way interested in a sexual or romantic relationship. I don't think he'll be back here when she's home. She's one of those "I shouldn't have to lower MY standards just because I'm heavy" fatties, but believes men should lower theirs for her.

[Anonymous No.5404408]

>>5404345
4chan makes me lost faith in humanity day after day...

[Anonymous No.5404731]

>>5402912
>wait 3-4 days
>rotten

Still live with mommy anon?

[Anonymous No.5404735]

>>5404345
Yes, but at the same time I've deleted it from my memory when bronies started obsessing and assigning her as Fluttershy

[Anonymous No.5404747]

>>5404731
Why, do you get some special meat when you leave your mother ?

[Anonymous No.5404757]

>>5403979
shit son, i gotta get some of these. my stove and counter is all stained and nasty looking, even though i just tried to clead it with soapy water+sponge, tomorrow i will be picking these up.

[Anonymous No.5404773]

>>5404747
if you freeze the meat proper it'll last more than 3-4 days easy

so guess they're assuming it's living-with-mommy level retarded to think otherwise

that or don't know how to freeze meat and you just let mommy take care of it

really the whole >>5402912 is kinda basic stupid

[Anonymous No.5404784]

>>5404773
>if you freeze the meat proper it'll last more than 3-4 days easy
Anon obviously meant leaving meat at room temperature, not in the freezer.

[Anonymous No.5404788]

>>5404757
a yo try mr clean magic eraser

shit's pretty amazing

Also stop just making beans, man. Beans do have a strong smell after time. Maybe you don't notice it and I'm sure your roommate's a dick or whatever but there are many other healthy foods and variety will help with your diet and general health.

And you probably end up smelling all like beans. Like it just permeates through your skin to the point that you don't notice it on yourself.

Your momma taught you better than that. Cook some other food.

[Anonymous No.5404793]

>>5404345
oh my god

[Anonymous No.5405010]

>>5404757
Do it, seriously. For months my stove and counter were a mess and these things cut right through the built up nastiness on the first use. Great for cleaning the bathroom too

>>5404788
Fucking love magic erasers. These work so fucking well but they can be a little pricey for the amount of use you get out of one. Usually anything that could be cleaned with one of these can also be cleaned with a baking soda paste+elbow grease. I always keep one in the house for cleaning emergencies (like having guests over) and I cut them up so I can have enough to use for both kitchen and bathroom without cross-contaminating. Great for cleaning coffee pots, coffee/tea mugs, dirty faucets, oil-crusted stainless steel and food-stained walls

[Anonymous No.5405018]

>>5403979
Old fuckin' news, man, we use those at work and I've got two of the big ass containers of them at home.

I'm the only one who uses them unless my roommate has a female of the opposite sex coming over.

They are great, though.

As for the stove, Kaboom is the only shit that gets off all the petrified shit.

Pic unrelated.

[Anonymous No.5405033]

>>5405018
Sorry I only discovered them a few months ago so I'm pretty excited about them

>typical college kid
>tfw cleaning the kitchen used to be a chore that took an hour & 2 people
>tfw kitchen takes a only minute or two to get clean now when cleaning by myself
Everyone should know how good this feels man

[Anonymous No.5405530]

>>5404345
>gas hob
>mfw they're British
As an Amerifat, all I can say is, suck it, yurop.

[Anonymous No.5405580]

>>5403979
Aw yeah, I thought I was the only one who used them with my Swiffer.

[Anonymous No.5406113]

>>5402093
>I guess I also had some roommates who put their cats' litterboxes in our kitchen

That's how it was growing up at my mom's house. She had 8 cats too. One litterbox. She would feed them 2 cans of food a day. It was a recipe for disaster.

[VALID SALAD No.5406117]

>>5405018
>a female of the opposite sex

[Anonymous No.5406163]

>>5402073
I can't stop laughing. Dear God that's fucking hilarious.

[Anonymous No.5406253]

>>5404261
>37 accounts of rape
In a row?!?

clerks 3 is being made

[Anonymous No.5406410]

>>5402188

[Anonymous No.5406422]

>>5402205
>I'm so glad my mom taught me to cook.

You're saying that with a straight face while you - in the same breath - point out that you're cooking nothing but rice and beans though.

[Anonymous No.5406581]

>>5406422
He's trying to lose weight, so he's keeping it clean and simple. At the very least he can cook rice and beans and appreciate them over what his room mate is capable of.

[Anonymous No.5406604]

Happened like 5 years ago but still:
>Dad eats salad with corn chips + salsa mixed in with it every day for lunch (Gross but I can see where he's coming from)
>One day we are out of salsa and corn chips
>Eats his salad with corn FLAKES and ketchup

He said it tasted "pretty much the same".

[Anonymous No.5406645]

>>5402093
People like those are not supposed to raise cats

[Anonymous No.5406647]

>>5402073
You are uptight. Relax.

[Anonymous No.5406650]

>>5402182
How the fuck do you get maggots in your fridge? Ditch that roommate, oh god.

[Anonymous No.5406652]

>>5404133
Wtf is wrong with you

[Anonymous No.5406698]

>>5404345
This cannot be real.

[Anonymous No.5406857]

>>5404154

Was his name Kelby?

[Anonymous No.5407625]

Short story of not even a housemate, but girlfriend of a housemate. I watched her proclaim something in our kitchen "smelled weird" and somehow decided she had the right to go through one of the communal fridges, and that my lentils in their tupperware "were rotting" and causing this weird kitchen smell we had. When she was done rooting around she put them in the sink and I just got up and put them back.

I don't know what is wrong with her. The fridge smelled weird because 4 people were sharing it, things end up spilled and etc. Maybe she didn't know what lentils smelled like?

[Anonymous No.5407628]

>>5407625
That's nasty, you guys should've cleaned your fridge more often.

>tfw you cleaned your fridge 2 months ago and it's still spotless inside
awwwww yeeeeeeeaaaaaahhhh

[Anonymous No.5407636]

>>5407628
eh there were 7 people in that house, fridge was always stuffed. I'm not cleaning up multiple people's messes every week. The landlord had also put an old unplugged fridge in that kitchen so there were weird smells for a while.

[Anonymous No.5407644]

I went out drinking some day, at a Party I met my Cousin and he introduced his new grill to me. We left at 6am with a few friends and decided to make Breakfest
> Sit in kitchen, his grill wants to make eggs
in a pan
> I am okay with this because, fuck yeah eggs
> I serve Bread and wait for them delicious eggs
> the eggs are already done when she starts to pour wheat on them
> I ask her whats shes doing
> She answers "pancakes"

I laughed way to much and I am now "that asshole"

[Anonymous No.5407671]

>>5402093
I'm in a student flat right now, we all have individual kitchen cupboards where we keep all our canned goods etc
A few days ago someone grated a bunch of cheese onto the floor in front of mine and trod it all into the floor so I now can't get to my food without having to step over a cheddar minefield
i hate my flatmates so much

[Anonymous No.5407690]

>>5407644

you are kind of an asshole, if i saw that shit happen i would be very sad for the girl, not laughing.

Unless she was fat. Then I'd laugh.

[Anonymous No.5407691]

>>5407644
>she starts to pour wheat on them
w-what?

[Anonymous No.5407718]

>>5407690
dont be a nerd
its perfectly fine to laugh at women when they do stupid shit

[Anonymous No.5407721]

My roommate only eats gross instant stuff, but one day she decided she'd store all her leftovers in our fridge, which was okay because the college kitchens were too shitty for me to use anyway, so I didn't really ever look in the fridge.

One day, I have to throw some water in the fridge because I wanted some god damn cold water, and when I look in, the entire fridge is covered in this gross black/grey/mold.

When I told her about it, she made me help her with cleaning despite the fact that this was HER FRIDGE.

[Anonymous No.5407722]

>>5407691
wheat flour

[Anonymous No.5407724]

>>5407718
yeah, i know, but not THAT stupid. That's like.... id laugh at a girl that thought smoke and steam were the same thing, but i wouldn't laugh at one that got up on the roof and started saying "no, really.... i can fly.. watch me."

this would be closer to the latter situation

[Anonymous No.5407727]

>>5404261
>someone dies at a much younger age than the average population does
>"Welp must have been a heart attack, don't give this man an autopsy."
Yea, it works just like that.

[Anonymous No.5407729]

>>5407724
> "no, really.... i can fly.. watch me."
Would laugh and tell him to jump.

[Anonymous No.5407730]

>>5407721
> leftovers in our fridge
> look in the fridge.
> water in the fridge
> cleaning...was HER FRIDGE.

it's cool how when there's leftovers it's your fridge, when it's neutral like looking inside or putting water inside, it's "the" fridge, but when cleaning time comes its HER FRIDGE

[Anonymous No.5407731]

>>5407724
> id laugh at a girl
>>5407729
> tell him to jump.

well, i guess we know what kind of "girls" you're into... WOW even captcha knew!!!

[Anonymous No.5407732]

>>5407724
fuck i would
and when she broke her legs id probably fucking die from laughter

[Anonymous No.5407810]

>>5407730
Sorry, I worded it weird I guess, maybe it was a weird subconscious thing that got me to write 'her' fridge at the end, but you have to admit that it wasn't cool of her to make me clean out some of the nasty ass mold/leftovers if the mess was all thanks to her.

I can count on one hand the amount of times I used the fridge, and I never put a single perishable thing in there, she was the cause of the problem, she should be the one to fix it by herself.

[Anonymous No.5408258]

>>5406422
I did.

I can cook other things other than rice and beans.

However, there's not a whole lot of other stuff that I can make in quantity one or two days a week, and not get tired of eating ever.

I can cook, grill (caveman easy) and even bake. I'm not an accomplished saucier or anything, but I can feed myself cheaply and in a relatively healthy manner.

[Anonymous No.5408268]

>>5406117
>not watching 'Allo, 'Allo!
>any year

[Anonymous No.5408309]

>>5407730
she didn't "make you" do shit, you could have refused

[Anonymous No.5408762]

>>5407644
Maybe she was just drunk?

[Anonymous No.5409292]

>>5408762
If you pour flour on a fryed egg to make pancakes there are no excuses