Nightmarish Kitchen Experience Thread

[Anonymous No.4484337]

Talk about your vaguely traumatic cooking experiences in which you had no idea what the fuck you were doing.

Pic related. I had no idea octopus took so much to prepare, there were brains everywhere, on the counter, on my hands, it was all so slippery. Went on for two hours because it took forever to get it ready.

The octopus was tasty though. So, what are your nightmarish kitchen experiences?

[Anonymous No.4484415]

...actually not all that bad. Kinda cool. I accidentally caused Diesel effect.

> Heat up pan with oil.
> Chop up veggies while the pan is warming up.
> Forget about it.
> See smoking oil. PANIC.
> Need to cool it down! How? Pour water!
> Pan off the stove, under the tap.
> FUCK FUCK FUCK hot oil droplets everywhere! Fountain of hot oil! Cover it before the whole kitchen is coated with oil!
> Push cover onto pan.

Before the cover reached the pan, the increased pressure (from me rapidly pushing the cover down) combined with droplets of hot oil creating mist - BOOM.

Gotta say the explosion looked cool through the glass cover. It threw my hand with the cover good 10 inches up. Harmless but fucking shocking. Anyway, managed to place the cover finally.

[Anonymous No.4484452]

>>4484415
Nice, that sounds pretty cool

[Anonymous No.4484454]

When I was a child, my mother bought me a KFC. I took a bite out of a drumstick and inside was what looked like a tiny brain. I was nearly sick.

[Anonymous No.4484455]

>>4484415
>see smoing oil
>panic
>water into hot oil

holy shit you are fucking dumb

[Anonymous No.4484456]

>>4484415
Thank your fucking guardian angel for not ending up with bad burns.

[That Guy No.4484474]

>>4484415
>hot oil in pan
>pours water

[Anonymous No.4484479]

>want to try making croissants for the first time
>make dough, spread it out, but it's too elastic
>layer of butter on it, but it's too soft
>fold and struggle with the elastic dough
>butter leaks from all sides
>dough breaks in places, oozing out butter
>cut and roll croissants anyway
>put them in the oven
>strange smell
>HOLY SHIT THE OVEN IS ON FIRE

Croissants ended up small and dense, with no butter left inside (all of it leaked and dripped on the oven floor where it caught fire), and tasted like burnt grease.

I never tried making croissants again.

[Anonymous No.4484484]

>>4484479
You let your butter get too warm. Don't be disheartened, just chill the dough in the fridge in between rolling!

[Anonymous No.4484485]

>>4484415
Holy tits, you've been so fucking lucky.

[Anonymous No.4484487]

>>4484484
It gets soft so fast. I'm also concerned about the dense and elastic dough.

[Anonymous No.4484488]

I cut myself with my first knife the first day I got it.
I was trying to clean it with a paper towel and gave the blade a wide stroke while pressing it with my fingers.

[Anonymous No.4484496]

>>4484454
I had the same experience!
Shit was weird. I showed my dad and he just said "throw it away". So I did. And continued eating.
Haven't been a fan of KFC since, but will devour if free.

[Anonymous No.4484500]

>>4484488
Damn that made me cringe. My golden rule with my Japanese kitchen knife is to always keep the blade directed away from any body part. No exceptions.

[Anonymous No.4484511]

>>4484496
The thing is, I've bought food from KFC countless times since that traumatic experience.

[Anonymous No.4484528]

>>4484454
The first time I ate KFC, there were, no kidding, maggots fried into the breading.

I... I ate maggots.

We don't have KFC in my country and I had newly moved into a place in America, so I was unsure what to do. A coworker mentioned I should call her cousin who is an inspector with the local department of health. I did so. The KFC wound up on the news, then shut down.

[Anonymous No.4484542]

>>4484511
The only reason I haven't bought KFC since is because there's a Cane's near me. Fried chicken is hard to pass up.

[Anonymous No.4484576]

Hmm. Not so "vaguely".

>Thirsty
>decide to make limeade
>fucking lime doesn't have any juice
>use a knife to try to break the little vesicles
>OHSHITOHSHITOHSHITsliced my finger all the way to the bone
>wat do wat do?
>want to keep it cold
>no ice anywhere
>grab baggie of frozen ground beef
>dizzy from panic
>also completely new in town, no idea where a hospital is
>call for an ambulance
>cop car shows up, takes me in without wasting ambulance's time
>ER nurse gets grossed out at the ground beef chill pack
>doc puts in a line of stitches
>ask him if I'll be able to play the violin afterwards
>he asks me if I was able to play it already
>guess he heard that one before
>end up needing nerve re-connection surgery
>doesn't work
>end up with half my middle finger on my left hand completely numb

[Anonymous No.4484596]

>>4484576
ya but how was the limeade?

[Anonymous No.4484609]

>>4484528
Jesus christ! I googled 'kfc maggots' to find your story and it turns out it's happened quite a few times.

[Anonymous No.4484647]

>>4484609
Dear me, I'd had no prior idea it was so common. I'd honestly hoped it was a one-off encounter. I didn't pursue it with legal reprimands other than getting that one location shut down and the chain fined.
I was approached by lawyers after the incident (I've still not a clue how they'd learnt that I was the one to get the DoH involved) to pursue legal action, but declined as I felt doing so would have been disingenuous. Other then a few minutes of mental anguish, I personally suffered not a fig. Any pursuit of reparations on my part would have gone against my personal integrity, however, I did want the place closed in order to protect others from the possibility of illness.

[Anonymous No.4484652]

>>4484487
You need to buy a better butter, preferrably one which hasn't been blended with massive amounts of veg oil. If you can buy Presidente, use that, as it is difficult to melt and holds its shape really well.

[Anonymous No.4484681]

>be 15 or 16
>decide I want a baked potato for lunch
>mom uses the microwave so I copy what she does for it
>clean potato, wrap it in damp paper towel, pop that sucker in for about 8-10 minutes
>go sit at my desktop
>time slips buy
>suddenly smell smoke
>look over at the microwave
>it's flaming up Wizard of Oz style
>making whirring and flame sounds like it's gonna detonate a bomb
>too scared to go near the thing to turn it off and take out the potadur
>PANIC
>PANIC
>PANIC
>call my dad like I'm being murdered
>rushes up from the basement and sees the melting microwave
>he looks at me like I've kicked the family dog
>grabs oven mitts
>beats out the flames
>takes out the now charred potato
>"HERE, HOT POTATO!"
>tossed the fucking potato into my hands
>scorched my hands
>throw it into the kitchen sink
>the potato crumbles into ash minutes later
>we go to Wal-Mart and buy a new microwave

[Anonymous No.4484685]

>>4484647
I'm not being sarcastic when I say you seem like a cool fellow.

[Anonymous No.4484700]

>>4484337
Yes, OP, there is a correct way to prepare octowussies, like any seafood.

You have to wash them in th sink with salt to remove the goo.
There's a way to cut them so you don't spill ink all over the kitchen seeking. Google "preparing octopus" of vids.

[Anonymous No.4484753]

>>4484500
That's the rule for all knives...

[Anonymous No.4484755]

>>4484652
>butter blended with massive amounts of veg oil
The fuck, they do that where you live?
I'm pretty certain it's illegal to sell butter laced with veg oil here. 'Butter' is strictly butter and nothing else.
But it's true that some butters are softer than others. I'll try farm butter as it's usually hard.

[Anonymous No.4484766]

I once spent four hours breaking my back making two large tiramisus for a class cake day (they're a speciality of mine, I make a damn fine tiramisu), and the plebian fucks turned their noses up at it. I was really furious.

[Anonymous No.4485012]

>>4484337
> Be 12, first time left home alone for more than few hours
> parents went for family funeral for whole weekend
> i stayed home to watch dog (it was good excuse to not go)
> bought 4kg of potatos, i love french fries
> cut all of them and fry
> me and my dog ate them until parents returned
> could not look and fries for at least a year after
> dog hating me even longer

[Anonymous No.4485025]

>>4484766
What did they think was wrong with it?

[Anonymous No.4485060]

>>4485025
They just went eww, it's not a traditional boring sponge with flavoured icing bought from the co-op, why would you even make something like that.

The two or three that actually tried it agreed that it was really nice, but everyone else just decided that it obviously wasn't for them and refused to even give it a chance.

[Anonymous No.4485084]

>>4485060
Where do you live that people do this?

[Anonymous No.4485098]

>>4485084
Glasgow. And these people were at a private school, they should be the cultured ones.

[Anonymous No.4485109]

>>4485060
wat. Do they even manners?

[Anonymous No.4485157]

Bought some Chinese Jellyfish in brine, tried to pan-fry it.
The whole house smelled like Cthulhu came over for a visit.
Wasn't edible either.

[Anonymous No.4485196]

>>4485109
Never been the most popular so I'm exempt from what manners they have.

[Anonymous No.4485204]

>>4485157
You're not supposed to fry it
You dont even need to cook it
Just soak it in some cool water for a few hours
It's served cold with cold cuts and pickled veggies
Buy it from a chinese restaurant tastes good man

[Anonymous No.4485337]

>>4484479
>what is baking paper?

[Anonymous No.4485504]

>>4484681

your dads a dick

[Anonymous No.4485584]

In preschool, I used to get in a lot of fights that I didn't start, but that's beside the point. We had just watched The Little Mermaid and I was still shaken up by the scene with giant Ursula, and got scuffed up in a fight I got in, when the nurse finds she has no ice packs in the freezer and instead uses someone's frozen octopus lunch, which was a whole, frozen octopus. Needless to say, I freaked the fuck out.

[Anonymous No.4485725]

>>4484755
It makes it softer, so you can spread it more easily.

[Anonymous No.4485734]

>>4485504
His dad's hilarious.

[Anonymous No.4485754]

>>4485060
Fuck these kind of kids.

[Anonymous No.4485758]

>>4485504
His dad's awesomesauce

[Anonymous No.4485762]

>>4485754
Yup, my thoughts at the time too.

[Anonymous No.4485782]

>>4485157
You heard of stinky tofu? It's a Chinese street treat: tofu that's been macerated in a vile brine of rotten things. It smells like a latrine, especially when it's fried. In China they cook it outdoors and you can smell the shit-sewage stench from a block away. But actually, the taste is pretty mild and the sauce is delicious.

Well, I bought a jar of it and brought it back to Europe. I had to wrap it in many layers of tape and cling film to minimize the smell. The thing is, I haven't had the courage to open it yet. If I cook it on my terrace, my whole neighbourhood will probably think it's a biological attack.

It's been three years and the jar is still sitting in my cupboard.

[Anonymous No.4485813]

>>4484337

not so much a cooking story, but nightmarish

>work at seafood market
>sell live crustaceans
>get bushel of crawfish, throw it in walk in cooler
>open cooler next morning
>bushel broke open and there's a thousand tiny monsters crawling around in the darkness

just opening the door and seeing the floor moving before I realized what happened was too much

[Anonymous No.4485826]

>>4484766
Who the fuck doesn't like tiramisu?

[Anonymous No.4485840]

>>4485813
>Friend's making lobster for the first time by herself
>They haven't been in the cold long enough
>When she puts them into the pot they wake up and leap out
>Receive a phone call two minutes later with her screaming down the phone that there's some lobsters wandering around her kitchen floor

She managed to catch them and hurl them in the freezer for a while to put them back to sleep, but it was the best phone call I've ever had.

[Anonymous No.4485845]

Okay.
So. Here is my ultimate worst. Its so god damn embarrassing. Ill fully admit that I SUCKED in culinary school, was in no way ready to go and didnt have enough experience in the industry. Luckily that was quite a while ago and I've definitely progressed a lot since then. but. I digress:

Green text for simplicity.

>Go to Culinary school for pastry
>Spend months there, each class preparing for our practical exam.
>flew through the classes pretty easily
>did very well on my work, all is well, etc
>the weeks pass and we are learning more and more
>Chefs and instructors hyping us up for the practical, as HUGE 2 day long test that takes about 8 hours per day
> sponge cake, pastry cream, butter cream, tempering chocolate, puff pastry dough, pate a choux, ganache and fondant. We have to assemble a cake, fill, frost, decorate it with tempered chocolate, cut it perfectly. Make eclairs, fill, frost. Make apple strip. Put 1/2 of puff dough,a scoop of pastry cream and a scoop of butter cream aside to be graded alone.
(cont.)

pic is what our practical looks like

[Anonymous No.4485850]

>>4485845

>Day one goes by pretty well. Made all of the components.Feeling confident Day two consists of assembling everything.
>Day two rolls around.
>Finish my fillings and frostings
>Finish my eclairs
>Finish my cake
>On to the apple strip
>apples sliced paper thin
>Puff dough rolled out
>Something seems strange, but Im way to stressed and tired to think clearly
>Roll out dough on table
>cut dough as needed
>Start laying apples
>start brushing with butter
>fuck.
>fuck.
>Fuck.
>Fucking shit. Assembled on the table.
>GOD FUCKING DAMMIT WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
>Try to scrape it up with a pizza paddle
>What is going on?! WHY ISNT THIS WORKING
>Puff dough flopping and flailing everywhere, turning into mush, falling apart, sliding all over the place
>Instructor comes over after he sees my struggle, tries to help.
>>Finally get the damn thing onto a sheet pan.
>It looks like Jabba the Hutt on a bad day.
>Put it in the oven
>Timer goes off however long later
>Look inside
>What the hell. Its still raw. Its bubbling. Its mushy. Its disgusting.
>No idea what the fuck went wrong.
>TIMES UP!!!!!! EVERYTHING OUT FOR GRADING
>shit.
>Take it out of the oven. Its a fucking mess.
> lay everything out for grading
>cake - check
>frosting - check
>eclair - check
>pastry cream - check
>apple strip - check..kind of...
>extra puff dough-.....fucking son of a bitch
>Realize then, I used my ENTIRE batch of puff dough, instead of CUTTING IT IN HALF, which is why my apple strip was MONSTROUSLY LARGE and wouldnt cook.
>This also leaves me with NO puff dough left over for grading.
>Failed the ENTIRE PRACTICAL because of that.
> HUGEST. FUCKING. DERP MOMENT OF MY LIFE.

I later had to retake the WHOLE FUCKING THING. And I did. And I passed with flying fucking colors. God damn it Im an idiot.


(pic semi related. Not mine, but what its SUPPOSED to look like. Kind of. Their eldge fell over, so they'd lose a lot of points.)

[Anonymous No.4486603]

http://www.zerohedge.com/news/2013-01-08/its-brain-its-kidney-its-kfcs-next-pr-nightmare

That picture made me gag...wtf...

[Anonymous No.4486653]

>>4486603
I found one of those in a chicken breast from Roy Rogers like 3 years ago
I just stopped eating it and stuck to fillet sandwiches from then on

Im not sure why people don't think about the factory made fast food they eat.

[Anonymous No.4486676]

>>4485840
:(

[A girl that will break the rules !!HoD47VKsSK0 No.4486821]

>>4485840
BWAHAHAHAHAHA

[Anonymous No.4486839]

>>4484415
>Harmless

this is a fucking fib

[Anonymous No.4486919]

>>4484488
ARE YOU ME?

Dicing up onions like im running my own cooking show being a jackass, then I slice my hand.

It was so quick I didn't even really feel pain, but it startled me and all I could say was "wow. Really. Really? ok then"

[Anonymous No.4486922]

>>4484576
>he asks me if I was able to play it already
>guess he heard that one before


I dont know why, but I fucking died over this.

[Anonymous No.4486931]

>>4484488
>>4486919
This and the other guys story with his finger going numb is my worst nightmare in the kitchen, it's why I freak out when I have to dice something and it takes so fucking long to prepare ingredients for me.

[Anonymous No.4486945]

>>4485060
>eighth birthday
>nanna makes tiramisu for my birthday cake
>I didnt know what it was, kinda smelt like coffee or something
>told her I didn't like it, without even trying it
>i still remember the look in her eyes


Damn bro, your story got me feeling so guilty. AND I didn't even reply to the email she sent me 2 months ago.. I am the fucking worst.

Maybe at the end of the email I'll be writing after this post I'll add at the bottom:

>Sorry about the tiramisu

[Anonymous No.4487033]

>>4484766
i'm sorry, anon. people who won't even try something can be annoying, especially tiramisu. i don't know anyone who has said "i don't like tiramisu."
>>4485782
>getting stinkier, waiting, biding its time...

[Anonymous No.4487124]

>>4486931
Guy with the numb finger here. It's not that bad. Over time it kind of half-heals. Still feels a little numb, in cold weather it gets sort of hard (reduced blood flow, maybe?).

I wouldn't recommend the nerve reconnection surgery, though. They really pushed it at the time, and it was totally useless. A few years ago, I sliced my thumb in a similarly bad manner, and it healed fine, no loss of sensation. I guess it's just luck of the draw.

Honestly, you wanna talk nightmare, mine is that cooking PSA on youtube of the woman dumping a pot of boiling oil all over herself.

>>4484596
Never got around to drinking it that night. Quit drinking it for YEARS after that. :-(

[Anonymous No.4487133]

>>4487124
That doesn't sound familliar, which PSA is that?

[Anonymous No.4487152]

>>4487133
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=noFCekWiUGE

[Anonymous No.4487161]

How can you eat an octopus? Where's your soul? they have brains much the same as you.

Heartless fuck

[Anonymous No.4487170]

>>4486931
see >>4484500

Also, learn how to properly cut food. Pic related; tuck your fingers in and you'll never cut yourself.

Keep it razor sharp, too: it makes cutting easier and accidents less likely. Also, a clean cut with a sharp knife will heal faster than a horrible blunt knife cut.

Respect your knife and you'll be fine.

[Anonymous No.4487183]

>>4487152
AAAhhh!

[Anonymous No.4487194]

>>4484647
Wow, I like people with integrity and principles. If it wasn't for them our society would breakdown into anarchy.

[Anonymous No.4487320]

Substitutes in a tried an true recipe. Meat loaf or meat balls - i mean how hard can it get. 1 lb 80/20 ground beef, 2 eggs, a handfull of bread crumbs, ketchup, a bit of wousetishire, some dried onion powder, salt and pepper. No its not gonna get you 4* michilin rating, but at least passable with some jarred sauce which is fine I am no foodie snob. But.. did not have 80/20, only a pack of 93/7, no eggs, so I subbed egg ebeaters whites, no bread crumbs, so I used Oatmeal, which had been there about six months,soy, and a pack of ancient dry onion soup mix. a gelatinous gooey gom. even the dog would not eat it. upside,? we ate frozen pizza. that night, and they made ok balls for put put golf. I can cook ok, but except for mixes and fool proof canned buscuits, I bake horrible and should have known better. Don"t sub ingrediants. Another thing, no matter how drunk, in college or elsewhere, ground cloves, and olive oil are NOT a substitute for butter and cinnamon when making cinnamon toast.( next day- wtf? what did we eat....) but you will figure this out by yourself... eventually.

[Anonymous No.4487374]

>be in culinary school
>need to prepare lobster
>chef tells us what to do
>warns us theyll keep twitching and shit because they dont have a central brain
>only one with balls on the table, say i'll prep the lobster
>lobster is still moving sluggishly but jam my knife in its head anyway
>feel alpha as fuck
>finish prepping head
>pick up tail to prep
>tail begins moving
>fling it into partner's space in surprise
>ruin salad dressing he was making
>finish prepping tail
>no long alpha

[Anonymous No.4487415]

>>4484454
I know what you are talking about. Not just kfc, bu6t alot of take out chicken. I like thighs. but you are eating, and all of a sudden next to the bone, there is little awful brain looking little gland thing...and I am sorry, I have no problem eating meat, but that grosses me out. I think it just wasn't cleaned well. and I am + 50,and from the south US, but I don't snap the heads of shrimp and suck the brains out and say ooohha that is the bestest part... I don't eat mud turtles, snake, worms or possum. ( don't you know turtles have 7 different kinds meat I could if I had to, and have eaten some fairly nasty stuff on military survival training, but why? Iam Christian, and we differ on many points, but on this I agree with any Jews and Muslims , ( and I eat pork if cleaned well) but I would sooner eat sewer sludge than catfish, bay scallops, farm raised shrimp or tilapia..

[Anonymous No.4487431]

>>4486839
A muffled boom, a flash, but the hand was protected from it by the glass cover and all the blast went to the sides and dissipated fast - all I felt on my body was a wave of hot air. The droplets were too small to cause any harm.

Of course

[Anonymous No.4487457]

>>4487415
sorry, my keyboard sticks, I meant to say many, not any. and am aware that not every one has the luxury to pick and choose.. and I did not mean to say anything bad about many asian cultures or religions. sigh... I sure am painting myself in a corner all. i men't was people should be careful about meat, fish or any thing. same for lawyers,Md's, car dealers or restaurants.. the best don't advertise on t.v. they don't have to.

[Anonymous No.4487510]

>>4484647
Kudos for not going the courtfag route and driving off those sharks. You did what needed to be done and nothing more.

[Anonymous No.4487530]

>>4484455
Panic is a key word here.

[Anonymous No.4487571]

1.) Stupidly put some leftovers in the microwave with aluminum foil attached to it.

2.) At age 13 I thought I could double the temperature and cut the baking time in half.

3.) I used a baking pan I got as a gift. It was cheap as it warped and melted in the oven.

[Anonymous No.4487828]

>>4484337
>15 years old at the time
>have farm animals, mainly chickens
>raise chickens since they were baby chicks
>watched a few hatch
>kept one as my personal pet
>grows up to be a manly rooster
>"we have too many roosters", mom says.
>"we are going to get rid of all of them, except for the finest one."
>okay.jpg
>get to watch as mom grabs my rooster Matador and attempts to cut off his head with a machete
>not sharp enough
>have to help her keep Matador on the ground
>machete is still not cutting
>finally after going Mexican cartel on my pet, he is dead
>takes his body in to the kitchen
>tears off feathers with hot water
>feathers fucking everywhere
>stench of death in the air
>blood, guts, feathers, more feathers
>help mom cook him
>can't bring myself to eat the chicken stew made out of my little Matador
>mom ends up a little traumatized too
>she swears she will never do it again


few years later
>go visit her with my spouse
>"We have too many roosters. We're going to have to get rid of some."
>ohboyherewego.jpg
>husband gets excited for it
>"yeah~! home grown chicken!"
>he goes through the process I did
>eats out of respect
>as we drive back to our house, he whispers, "Never again."

[Anonymous No.4487856]

>>4486945
You should do that. She sounds like good people.

[Anonymous No.4487859]

>>4487152
That was nasty

[Anonymous No.4487862]

>>4487161
But they're tasty

[Anonymous No.4487866]

>>4487828
there are better ways to kill a chicken. You can use a traffic cone even! It just takes a second and doesn't traumatize the chicken (makes the meat taste different from a calm animal)

[Fashionista !!SZNPpJvve1P No.4488475]

>>4487866
How?

[Anonymous No.4488914]

>mom's out
>watch some shit on YouTube
>decide to make some eggs
>addicted to the computer so I heat up the pain with oil but quickly return to my computer
>forget about it
>suddenly I see my room fill up with smoke
>open the door
>entire flat is filled with smoke
>run into kitchen
>fucking pan is burning
>be retarded
>fill a bucket with water
>hide behind the door and toss it on the oil
>WOOOOSH
>I think the pan exploded or something
>push the pan into sink
>eventually stops burning
>entire kitchen is filled with dark smoke

All the walls were black afterwards, had to paint the entire flat

Mom beat the piss out of me
I was 18

[Anonymous No.4488938]

>>4488475
you can build a or (modify a traffic) cone so that the bird may be placed in it to contain it comfortably. Then you use special chicken killing scissors or a very very sharp knife to swiftly dispatch the bird. She kind of calms down when she is contained in the cone. http://vimeo.com/25069631

[Anonymous No.4489004]

Okay here is my story:

>be 17
>decide to make a toasted cheese sandwiches
>have a slice of cheese that I didnt want to use
>decide to cook it as well to see what would happen
>cooked everything well
>decide that the orange slice of grilled cheese is delicious as fuck
>sliced some extra cheese to cook, left for ten minutes like last time
>come back after 10, find that their is black smoke pillowing from toaster oven
>looked inside, its on fire
>panicked, try to take it out, massive cloud of smoke goes into my face, it bursts into flames
>shut the door, somehow figure out that if I place a teatowl over the cracks the fire dies down a little
>get 4 or 5 and cover the whole damm toaster oven, also switched of the power too
>leave for a little while
>fires out, open it out, the stainless steel tray is charcoal black, the plastic handle of the door has melted slightly
>leave the molten hot toaster oven for a bit while I scrub the tray as best as I can
>test out the oven, it somehow is fucking working still
>simply burn the tea-towls (they were old as fuck anyway), clean everything up
>parents dont notice anything

Two years on, we still have the same toaster oven and nobody has noticed a thing

[Anonymous No.4489059]

>>4484766
On the off chance you come back and see this post, why did it take 4 hours?

[Anonymous No.4489072]

How does everyone fuck up so bad? I think the worst thing that ever happened to me was cutting the very tip of my thumb off and that shit wasn't even that bad. Second might be cooking stoned and grabbing a 450 degree pan with my barehand out of the oven.

[Anonymous No.4489078]

>Going on double date with friends and a girl they are trying to set me up with
>offer to cook because I was an aspiring cook at the time (18)
>want to make chicken alfredo (so gourmet omg)
>end up making tasteless mush of a dish
>spaghetti everywhere

She turned out to be a huge bitch anyway though so it worked out.

[Anonymous No.4489093]

>>4484415
You have to pour the hot oil on the water, not the other way around, retard

[Anonymous No.4489112]

>>4484337
Cooking fried chicken when I was 15-16. Outside turned black while the inside was still raw..

Till this day I am afraid to cook fried chicken.. Chunks okay! Whole pieces? Nope, pass.

[Anonymous No.4489206]

>>4487828
Are you fine with other people killing your chicken out of sight and mind?

[Anonymous No.4489361]

>>4488938
Is bleeding out really the best method? When I visited my mum's village in Hong Kong people just took a chicken and used a Chinese chef's knife and just chopped its neck while letting the chicken run around headless.

I was quite shocked. This little old lady was chatting to me while doing all this and as a child I thought it was kinda surreal. I wonder those chickens on the cone, do they feel any pain while having their neck slit? I think it's a painful death and I am shocked how animals worldwide have to die with so much pain.

How they get their necks sliced open and bleed to death.. It doesn't seem humane to me, a bullet or a guillotine would be a better way to dispatch animals albeit it'd take a lot longer time.

[Anonymous No.4490991]

>>4489004
That toaster oven is a badass.

[Anonymous No.4491012]

>>4487415
Are you high? Your post is one of the most incoherent things I've ever seen.

[Anonymous No.4491016]

>>4491012

he's a 50 year old southerner who felt the need to mention he was also a christian

pretty sure he's just being himself

[Anonymous No.4491018]

>>4489361
The chicken is dead when its head comes off. How do you propose it feel pain without a head?

[Anonymous No.4491056]

>>4491012
>>4491016
I'm thinking he also wrote this
pic related

[Anonymous No.4491067]

>>4491056
>mfw faulkner is among us

[Anonymous No.4491081]

>>4484609
>>4484647
>oh shit nigger it's too hard to keep a lid on the dry batter between uses

this is why you dont hire blacks

[Anonymous No.4491088]

>>4485098
>UK

What did you expect from an island of inbred peasants?

Though I'm not sure clapistan would be better

>half the class goes EEEEEEEEEEEW COCOA

>the other half digs in with hands

[Anonymous No.4491091]

>>4491088
>What did you expect from an island of inbred peasants?
Please tell me you are American.

[Anonymous No.4491095]

>>4491018
The head feels pain without the body unless it's in too much schock.

[Anonymous No.4491099]

>>4491095
>[citation non-existent]

[Anonymous No.4491100]

>>4491081
>niggers working at the KFC
>implying they wouldn't eat all the product

[Anonymous No.4491102]

>>4491100
>2muchSummerEdge

[Anonymous No.4491103]

>>4491095
*shock

[Anonymous No.4491186]

>>4491100
well they are disciplined enough at the one i work at

the place is scummy as fuck though

>mfw I see a sub 90% health certificate

[Anonymous No.4491192]

>>4491102
>niggers are xxxxxx = 2 much edgy summer kids bullshit

>americans are xxxxxxxx = HUEHUE SO TRUE AND FUNNAY HUEHUE GOTTA POST TO REDDIT

>>4491091
you got me
my bad

>islands of inbred peasants

sorry

[Anonymous No.4491324]

>>4491192
Where do you think Americans came from? Inbred island peasant stock.

[Anonymous No.4491340]

>>4491324
>all of europe is a small island

[Anonymous No.4491370]

>>4491340
>All of American continent is island

[Anonymous No.4491374]

>>4491340
Where were the founders of America from?

[Anonymous No.4491387]

More chemistry, less cooking:

>Out camping
>Want to delight cousins with marshmallows
>Fire just won't get going
>Looking for dry wood
>Find a wreck of a car
>Complete rust bucket
>Engine block white and flaky
>Realise it's not aluminium
>3 sparklers and a ruined wood saw later the thing's ablaze
>I man up and take the burnt retinas, cousins are using the welding masks
>MgO flavour marshmallows aren't that bad
>Suddenly, molten, burning magnesium starts to flow in every direction
>I scream at them to run and not try to put it out
>"But anon, I have a water bottle"

Thank god they didn't try to piss it out

[Anonymous No.4491396]

>>4491387
You went camping with welding masks?

Sure.

[Anonymous No.4491402]

>>4491396
I went camping and was too lazy to clear the welding masks out of my trunk, yes.

[Anonymous No.4491411]

>>4491402
>car camping in an area with wrecked cars

Urban fag detected.

[Anonymous No.4491418]

When I first started cooking I didn't know you had to wait for the oil to heat up as the pan was heating up too.
So, I put the stove on high and poured some oil into it after it got hot and instantly a fire started. Luckily I pulled my hand away right before the flame went up.
Was pretty scared to try and fry veggies and noodles for like a week afterwards with any type of oil even though right after I found out where I fucked up.

[Anonymous No.4491440]

>>4491418
Another one from my first times.

Read about baking bread and I got interested so looked through the kitchen and found some yeast and everything I needed for some sweet rolls.
Anyways, after going through the long process of getting it ready to bake - I realized that the dough never rose even once. After trying to find out if I did anything wrong, I couldn't put my finger on it and just baked them.

Afterwards they were slightly golden and I took a bite out of one of them just to find out it was hard as a rock. Fast forward to the next day when my mother was up, she pointed out that the yeast was over a year old.

[Anonymous No.4491447]

>>4487152
welp there goes my hopes and dreams of being a cook one day

[Anonymous No.4491457]

>>4489206
Yes, yes I am.

[Anonymous No.4491473]

>>4487152
WHY DO I FIND THIS SO FUCKING FUNNY

[Anonymous No.4491490]

>>4491018
Yes but not with the cones. They just slice the neck open and let them bleed out.. They don't chop off the head.

[Anonymous No.4491598]

>>4491440

Yeast can survive for a very long time in a dormant state, as long as its stored in cold conditions. You may have killed it with water that was too hot.

[Anonymous No.4493215]

>>4491598
It might have dried out.

[Anonymous No.4493258]

>>4485845
>>4485850
That looks fucking delicious. A+, would eat, etc.

[Anonymous No.4493544]

>making a chocolate cake
>pour batter into a HUGE pan
>bake for 30 minutes
>cake comes out hard and crusty; like semisweet chocolate bread

I always double the recipe and add a bit more sugar and about half a cup of chocolate chips in a really deep tin pan

best goddamn cake I had.

[Anonymous No.4495940]

Not so much a kitchen experience but when I was very young my mum tried to convince me to eat brussel sprouts by putting ketchup on them.

[Anonymous No.4495943]

>>4493544
>semisweet chocolate bread
I would have eaten it with a hot beverage like tea or coffee.

[Anonymous No.4495946]

>>4495940
speaking from experience, you poor mother was just trying to get you to eat some vegetables. Sometimes it is a struggle, kids have constantly changing tastes. My son ate everything, happily, on his plate until about two months ago. Now , at 19 months, he doesn't like anything but meatloaf, larabars, and bananas. She was just trying to get you to eat them and you probably ate ketchup on your fries.

[Anonymous No.4495955]

>>4484647
Lots of kudos given to you already in this thread, but here's some more (cos it's so damned well deserved). Mad props for keeping your cool and not partaking in the Land of the Frivolous Lawsuits.

[Anonymous No.4495959]

>>4495946
Yeah, but the result of her attempt was so abominably awful that decades later she still apologises in shame.

[Anonymous No.4495962]

>>4484415

You know that if the oil had already been burning you would be dead now, right?

[Anonymous No.4495963]

>>4485850
That sounds rough, bro. I'm thinking of going to a culinary school, but I'm terrified that I'll do the same stupid shit, even if I nail the basics and even more complicated shit.

Props on keeping your head up and making it through, though. My roommate dropped the class bike at motorcycle school, and refuses to this day to even try and learn. We got her to toy with the throttle once, but she never even left the driveway. We need more people with your drive...

[Anonymous No.4495964]

>>4487320
>wousetishire
lol'd

[Anonymous No.4495986]

>>4491598
I've wondered about this. Yeast just sits on the shelf at Wal-Mart, but I've heard of people freezing it. Now I know why.

The More You Know™

[Anonymous No.4496028]

>>4488914

she did the right thing, you kind of deserved it, man

[Anonymous No.4496032]

>>4491081

>>>/pol/

[Anonymous No.4496119]

>>4489093
>>4495962
NOW I know. I was a total kitchen noob back then.

[Anonymous No.4496125]

>>4495986
Freezing kills it too. It should be stored in a cool place but above freezing.

[Anonymous No.4496129]

>>4495940
>mfw I would eat that
Depending on the ketchup quality, of course.

[Anonymous No.4496133]

Cool thing about yeast:
Mix some (baking) yeast with sugar in a cup. Keep stirring.

Two solids turn into liquid. Fucking magic.

[Anonymous No.4496549]

>be 22
>first night in first rented apartment
>broke up with GF to be uber independent
>decide to celebrate by cooking swordfish
>overdo it a bit on oil in the pan
>heat on high for about 6 minutes
>fish splashes into near-smoking canola oil
>oil splashes on hand like it's being poured on medieval castle invaders

Still have the scar and the gf took me back shortly after, now wife.

>haven't cooked swordfish since due to prices going way up and staying there

[Anonymous No.4496656]

>>4487320
>ground cloves, and olive oil are NOT a substitute for butter and cinnamon when making cinnamon toast.

[Anonymous No.4496680]

>>4484454
>>4484496

Y-you mean I'm not alone?

Oh God...

[Anonymous No.4496940]

At cooking school we had to make little fruit tarts in groups. Everything was going swimmingly. I even helped one of the guys with his recipe. Rolled out the dough, cut, pre-baked, filled, covered, coated with apricot glace. Mine looks exactly like the teachers, but his looked kind of off. Teacher asks us to try everyone else's. I picked his up, put it to my mouth, took a bite, and vomited when I realized he used salt instead of sugar.

[Anonymous No.4496996]

>>4496940
Haha, that must've been really embarrassing for him.

[Anonymous No.4497106]

I didn't realize that Arby's wrappers are actually foil and not just shiny paper, so when I heated up some extras in the microwave everything started exploding.

[Anonymous No.4497130]

> Making absinthe.

If you don't know, the essential step of making absinthe is distillation of the draft, which is roughly 70-80% alcohol. (not your girly "take fermented stuff that's like 15%, distill spirits out. This is "80% in, 85% out", and the clue is separating tanin (which is throat-twisting bitter from thujone and various volatile oils that give it the taste.)

> Doing it the second time, know the strings already. The whole rig is set up: a big pot with water on a stove, a thermometer and a plastic "coaster", the kind you put under hot pot to prevent it from leaving burn marks), all in that pot, the 5l flask with the draft on the coaster, condenser from chemistry set attached through a pipe with a cork to the flask, hose from tap to the cooler, and from the cooler to the sink - constant cooling water exchange, and in the end, a pot for collecting distilled absinthe.

> Everything's going almost fine. The water in the pot though is nearly 100C and the contents of the flask don't boil. The drip rate is hopelessly low. This goes much, much slower than the first time over.
> Recall chemistry lessons: some liquids won't boil if you don't introduce porous material to catalyze boiling.
> Need porcelain shards. Found old bulb holder, took hammer, broke into shards.
> Uncork the flask, toss shards in.

Guess what, it began boiling.
Ethanol boiling point is something like 78C or so. And it was at steady 100C set by the temperature of the outer water. Until latent heat of evaporation doesn't swallow all the heat bringing it down to boiling point temperature, it's boiling VERY rapidly.

First: fountain of the spirit through the flask neck.
Next: the spirit catches fire from the stove.
Everything on fire!
I rip the hose from the tap, open the tap, finger under it, and spray everything with water. Most of the fire extinguished. Still needed to lift microwave and snuff out spirit that got under it, needed to leave the spirit on the stove just to burn out.

[Anonymous No.4497145]

>>4497130
The kitchen wasn't exactly fireproof... actually, more like, quite flammable, wooden furniture, wooden ceiling, wallpaper... damn I was lucky none of it got on me!

...in the end, I was seriously considering canceling the operation, and getting rid of the remaining draft. Still, very cautiously I reassembled everything, and this time, with the shards in, the distillation went smoothly. Still got some 2l of superior absinthe.

[Anonymous No.4497168]

our pastry chef dropped a pot of freshly made caramel not long ago & singed a good portion of her eyebrows off
yesterday I watched one of our cooks cut the faces off of roughly 20 soft shell crabs just like you've seen in that meme
I haven't been there too long but they tell me they butcher live chickens on the premises but that's not really a nightmare for me. im actually excited to do some butchering

[Smith the CIA Agent No.4497214]

>>4484454
>>4484496
>>4487415
That's the kidney, it's tucked to the side of the spine. Not particularly tasty, imo but just remove it and get over it. It takes some quite a bit of work to get all of it out and that's not going to happen when it's a fast food joint.

I actually doubt if there's any sort of mechanical short of somebody physically removing it that can remove the kidneys from that part of the body.

[Anonymous No.4498831]

>>4497214
So is that something you would entitled to complain about legally? A kidney in a drumstick?

[Anonymous No.4498847]

>>4497168
>dropped a pot of freshly made caramel not long ago & singed a good portion of her eyebrows off
How does that happen? Was she lifting the pot above her head?

[Anonymous No.4498865]

When I was young (eight or nine years old) I wanted to make some Spaghettios. So I took the lid off with a can opener and put the thing in the microwave with a paper towel on top of it, set the timer for a minute and a half and walked off to turn the TV on. I came back and there was like lightning in the microwave and sauce everywhere and it was horrible. I called my mom at work crying and asking her if she could come home and clean it up. Pretty bad day.

[Anonymous No.4498877]

>>4497168
lol butchering live animals is a normal in the kitchen. Or at least in my opinion every professionally trained chef or passionate chef should know and be accustomed to.

[Anonymous No.4498884]

>>4498877
By definition, you can't butcher a live animal. Butchering is the partitioning of an animal carcass into its respective, saleable parts. In the case of large, mammalian animal carcasses, these parts, called primes, are butchered into smaller saleable cuts such as steaks, chops, ribs and others.
Properly, a live animal is slaughtered, cleaned, defeathered/defurred/deskinned, cleaned again then the carcass sold. Having live animals in a modern kitchen can pose several hazards, not the least of which are health and safety. Modern kitchens may have a slaughtered carcass and this carcass may be butchered, but none will have live animals.

[Anonymous No.4498938]

>>4496656
lmao source of gif?

[Anonymous No.4498944]

>make anything that takes a long time to make
>try to take it to my room with a soda
>drop everything
>die a little inside