/ck/ - Food & Cooking

[Anonymous No.4386383]

Tell me some stories about cooking

[Anonymous No.4386417]

today i was going to stir fry kimchi and chicken but the chicken was watery so oil splashed on my hand and i got a burn the size of a penny. all awfully exciting.

[Anonymous No.4386442]

>>4386417
That's a pretty good story, how did it taste?

[Anonymous No.4386448]

I was drunk cutting shit up and not using the "claw technique" and felt something catch while dicing some garlic. Cut straight through my fingernail but had enough sense to stop before I did any damage to the flesh underneath.

[Anonymous No.4386494]

>>4386383
>Tell me some stories about cooking

Once upon a time faeces

[Wumplord !!uP81F1cofPV No.4386497]

>>4386494
why do you have so many images of poop?
what an excellent poop picture collection you must have, if you want to share it with the world so badly

[Anonymous No.4386504]

>>4386497
Jelly?

[Anonymous No.4386525]

>>4386448
oh man, good thing you caught it in time

[Anonymous No.4386561]

Last year within a span of like 3 months I cut 3 of my fingers. I don't know what it was, I've been cooking for almost a decade now and have mostly avoided accidents. I nearly fainted from the amount of blood from my thumb, I practically cut off the tip, there's a huge scar on it now. I think my mind was just occupied by other things.

[Anonymous No.4386566]

>>4386448
>cutting shit
what is it with this place and feces today?

[Anonymous No.4386614]

>>4386561
Do you have any feeling left in your thumb?

[Anonymous No.4386654]

>>4386614
Not in the tip area

[Anonymous No.4386682]

>>4386654
that sux bro

[Anonymous No.4386770]

>be 16
>at boyfriend's house
>cook dinner for his family
>house is shit
>kitchennightmares.fuckramsey
>making mashed potatoes
>family is white
>add shit tons of fake parmesan to mashed potatoes
>finished cooking for them
>they stuff their faces full of mashed potatoes
>I don't eat their food because they are poor
>help clean up
>something is moving in the parmesan can
>dafuqisthat.jpeg
>fake shit is full of maggots
>mfw I just served a family of 7 mashed maggots

[Anonymous No.4386864]

>>4386770
at least, they got..some..proteeeeeeeeee FUCK THAT

[Anonymous No.4386899]

>>4386770
Motherfucker.

Now I need to empty my kitchen cabinets.

[Anonymous No.4386933]

>>4386383
There once was some faeces from a far away land

[Anonymous No.4386946]

>>4386770
>be 28-ish, live in big house with stoners, sluts, shitheads, etc. All good friends, good times, lulz were had.
>once a week I cook big meal to share with everyone, just because I can
>go to make cornbread, moth flies out of the bag
>little wiggly bits in cornmeal
>meh, there's just a few of them
>make maggot cornbread, serve to roommates
>nomnomnom
>no fucks given
>told them a year later what I'd done
>still no fucks given

[Anonymous No.4387872]

>>4386946
dats nasty

[Anonymous No.4387875]

road trip with cousins & aunt going down the shore
cousin & i in back seat
cousin is eating baby ruths out of a box, the kind you would get at a movie theatre
something moving in the box, wtf?...
moves the baby ruths out of the way
maggots crawling all over under the chocolate
aunt pulls over
everyone opens their car door & pukes

[Anonymous No.4387888]

>be 16
>trying to impress gf
>"oh don't worry baby, anon is a master chef"
>put wayyyy too much fucking oil in the pan
>put frozen chicken in pan
>oil splashes the fuck everywhere
>small burns all up my arm
>try to be a man "don't worry that's totally normal for this recipe"
>chicken is black as fuck but cold on the inside
>cry

[Anonymous No.4387909]

>>4386448
Are you me? I did that a few weeks ago, and it's almost done healing.

[Anonymous No.4388012]

>>4387872
Think that's bad? Another time I had a bag of M&Ms sitting on the end table by the couch. I went to get some one day and the bag was full of ants.

I thought about it for a minute, and then I stuck the whole bag in the freezer for a couple days, and then ate them anyway, ants and all.

Because, fuck ants. They eat my chocolate, I will eat their souls.

[Anonymous No.4388560]

>>4388012
well...I guess that's manly

[Digo's Number One Fan !8LlTU6QFNo No.4388604]

>>4387888
Ahhahhahaha.

>be 17
>want to impress girlfriend
>make some amazing seared scallops and angel hair pasta topped with a fantastic beurre blanc sauce
>serve with salad and lightly toasted/buttered Italian bread
>she loves it
>blowjobs all the time

[Anonymous No.4388656]

>be at learning to cook at TAFE
>we have been cooking with pts and pans all day
>halfway thorugh go to clean some pots and pans
>not thinking very clearly
>grab a pan with hot oil in it
>put water in it
>hot oil and water splash up and hits me
>get some in my eye
>rinse out and conitunue on with the lesson


another time
>be doing restaurant service at TAFE
>in charge of dish that requires cooking in the oven
>use this really high tech oven (forgot the name sorry but it can do steaming and everything man it is great)
>getting rushed because someone fucked me over and ruined 20 batches of the dish i was about to cook
>have to pre 20 again and get them all cooking
>fast forward to removing from oven
>grab 1 tray with both hands one on the side and one under as i pull it out
>i feel nothing for a moment
>then searing agony as my hands are on fire
>drop the tray (some of these trays have sharp corner)
>as it is falling the weight that is on it causes the corner to cut through my pants and cut my leg a bit
>get rushed for first aid and medical attention

that hurt me for so long, i had little feeling in my hands for fucking ages and blisters that caused so much pain

Other then those 2 i quite like i have had numerous accidents while cooking like cutting my hand open 2 times, slipping in a kitchen and cracking my head open, ingesting poison by accident (was asked to try someones dish yeah it didn't go so well for them), and other multiple burns and minor cuts


I hate being a chef sometimes and by the way th dish that had popsion in it was all done by accident poisons was placed retardly near other cooking fluids etc and it was rush for people and people were just grabbing anything and looking quickly and if it looked like it was right they used it, funnily enough mostly everything but 2 dished turned out okay for everyone the second dish was binned before it was eaten by anyone.

[Anonymous No.4388693]

>>4388656
.......why was poison in the kitchen..do you live in a cartoon?

[Anonymous No.4388864]

>make hamburgers
>pink on inside
>consume

This is a bad story, fuck it.

[Anonymous No.4388895]

[Anonymous No.4388911]

>working at "gourmet burger bar"
>fuck my life
>co-workers are all retards
>fry cook leaves cup of water on shelf next to deep fryer
>tell him to move his fucking cup
>ignores me
>move his cup out of the way
>puts it back
>he bumps the cup into the fryer
>"GET DOWN MOTHERFUCKERS"
>dive down the kitchen line
>3rd degree oil burns all over retard
>anon escapes unscratched
>victory

[Anonymous No.4388926]

>>4386383
>"Oh I hate this part"
Did... he... really not even try to think of alternate ways to get it out? Like even if he didn't know how to get it out he didn't think "Hmm, maybe there's a better way, maybe there's a way to get things out of the oven without burning myself, there must be some way..."
Like I'm not even sure if that requires much thinking, it's nearly basic instinct.

[Anonymous No.4388936]

>>4388911
Shouldn't the deep fryers be elevated a bit to prevent that from happening?

[Anonymous No.4388942]

no...there's already two other story threads


>>4381375
>>4388703
>>4381375
>>4388703
>>4381375
>>4388703
>>4381375
>>4388703

[Anonymous No.4388959]

>>4388936
it was a small ass kitchen. the fryers were next to the flat top which had a shelf extending off it. shit often fell in the fryers from there

[Anonymous No.4389107]

>>4388926
no see, it implies that he's done it this way before, he thinks it's normal

[Anonymous No.4389213]

> be in pastry class
> Making a pear charlotte
> 3 in group, 2 other kid starts dressing the mold, napping the pears, and what not wile i'm suppose to bring crème anglaise back to room temperature
> turn on the electric stove in the annexe, start whisking casually, checking the heat with my finger and what.
>consistency starts becoming less granulated, but not even getting hot
> 5 minute past everyone else is done, but me, chef comes to check it out told me turn up my heat.
>do so, a minute past
>Girl in my group"it's almost getting there, it's strange that the element isn't even red"
>check the knob, but it's on high
>touch element with my hand, doesn't hurt
>do so with the other one, hold for 5 second, element start turning red, girl screams before i even felt it.
>tfw hands of cheap stainless steal cookware

[Anonymous No.4390435]

>>4389213
wut?

[A girl that will break the rules !!HoD47VKsSK0 No.4390457]

>>4389213
Or it could be nerve damage.

[Anonymous No.4390481]

>>4386383
>work at mexican restaurant
>tell my then-girlfriend I'm going to make us nachos
>she's been to the place I work, instantly tells me that I shouldn't and that it will be horrible
>and that I should just give up
>whatever, I can block out her voice on command
>make nachos
>ask her if she wants some
>sure
>give her a bowl of nachos
>three minutes later
>these are the best fucking nachos I've ever had omg anon how did you do it I'm sorry for being so negative you should do this more often bla bla bla bla bla let's have sex
>feel full and sleepy after eating nutritious nachos
>already fucked that day
>gently decline offer for coitus

[Anonymous No.4390486]

>>4386561
I lent a co-worker my knife to slice brik dough because his was too fucking dull. First slice he makes, knife goes through like it's warm butter. He obviously wasn't expecting it (I can only assume he'd been using that dull ass knife for months without sharpening it, ever) and it slides right on through the middle tip of his finger, about 1/4 inch of his nail included. He looked at me blankly, in shock, then back at his finger. I looked at his finger and didn't realize what had happened until blood started to seep out, turning the entire tip of his finger into a bright red coin. I walked over to the sink, grabbed a hand full of paper towels, handed them to him, told him to squeeze his finger hard with them. on his way out (to the hospital), I handed him his fingertip on a saucer. Last time I talked to him, he still had it in a pickle jar.

[Anonymous No.4390489]

>>4390486
the tip of his middle finger*
I should reread before I post

[Anonymous No.4390535]

>>4390486
haha gross

[Anonymous No.4392276]

lol

[Anonymous No.4392303]

>>4386566
>>4386497
uh guys?

those are pictures of vegan food

[Anonymous No.4392636]

>Making marshmallow fondant
>Recipe says it shouldn't be too sticky
>It's very fucking sticky
>Can't get it off my hands to knead
>Try my hardest to get it off
>Get food coloring vial stuck to the load
>Get knife stuck to loaf
>Cat comes up
>Get cat stuck to loaf

It's like I was in a fucking Katamari game.

Finally ended up washing it all down the sink. Good thing too because I had a little bite and it was so sugary that I swear I went diabetic for half an hour.

[Anonymous No.4392684]

>>4392636
>2013
>not eating your marshmallow-covered feline

[Anonymous No.4392717]

>>4392684
I didn't want diabetes.

[Anonymous No.4392748]

>>4392636
my goddamn sides, oh god

[Anonymous No.4392753]

>>4388012
But ants taste fucking awful

[Anonymous No.4392760]

>>4392753

Not when paired with chocolate they don't.

[Anonymous No.4392765]

>>4392760
That's because you're only tasting chocolate with a slightly crunchy textural element added.

[Anonymous No.4392776]

>>4388895
my seides

[Anonymous No.4392834]

>>4386946

> be 28
> living like a high school drop out

Sorry m8...

[Anonymous No.4392890]

>Be cooking several things at once
>Spill a bit of soup, saturates potholder
>Oven timer dings
>Open oven and grab potholder to remove pan of bread
>Oven heat shoots through soup
>OH GOD WHY

[Anonymous No.4393365]

>>4392890
Yeah don't use wet potholders.


My story.
>be 13 years old
>dad teaching me to cook
>lets me pick a dessert recipe to try while he makes dinner
>making a banana cream pie for my family
>follow instructions, pour into pie shell
>crust seems unusually high above the liquid but I assume we're putting whip cream on top of it later so it's k
>it's kind of liquidy but I also assume it'll firm up in the fridge
>close fridge door, lick spoon
>tastes terrible
>notice cream cheese sitting on counter
>mfw

I had to extract it from the pie shell, re-blend it with the cream cheese, and pour it back in.

[Anonymous No.4393402]

>>4393365
>ITT
>Everyone is bleeding

>Your post
>I forgot an ingredient
>then I added the ingredient

Tis' still a mighty story

[Anonymous No.4393417]

>>4393402
Would you rather hear of the time my mother caught spaghetti on fire?

There's a reason my dad and I do all the cooking.

[Anonymous No.4393427]

>be 18
>cooking for family
>take huge shit
>no toilet paper
>wipe ass with hand
>wash hand
>no soap
>touch everything
>everyone gets pinkeye
>blame it on cat

[Anonymous No.4394313]

>>4392753
I didn't notice any particular flavor difference.

[Anonymous No.4394328]

>>4392636
>Finally ended up washing it all down the sink
You fucking washed your cat down the sink what the fuck is wrong withyou

how did you even do that

[Anonymous No.4394329]

>>4393417
I do, actually

[Anonymous No.4394344]

>>4393417
>Would you rather hear of the time my mother caught spaghetti on fire?
YES. YES WE WOULD.

Anyway, I've got a couple of stories, one less cooking related and one more cooking related.

Less cooking related one first.

>Buy plums at a greengrocer's stall.
>Put in a rucksack.
>Forget all about them for a week.
>Find them a week later.
>They are perfectly ripe.

>Making salad.
>Discover why knife goes down when cutting, not up.
>I have scar.

[Anonymous No.4394362]

>>4393417
Lemme guess. This happened?

[Anonymous No.4394375]

I have a couple

>Want a sandwich
>Decide to add a fried egg
>Get pan, turn it up on high
>Add egg
>egg doesn't cook
>why the fuck isnt it cooking
>get angry, move egg around
>nothing
>finally realize i forgot to add oil
>mfw

another time

>helping mom make carrot cake for my brother's birthday
>she is slicing up carrots on a mandolin
>she slips
>slices tip of her finger wide open
>flap of skin flapping in the breeze
>blood errywhere
>stepdad is super squeamish, starts flipping out
>our faces when it takes a full 20 minutes to stop the bleeding

The cake wound up tasting great, and her finger healed up okay, but man, mandolins are some scary shit.

[Anonymous No.4394384]

>>4394375
I refuse to use a mandolin without kevlar gloves, or whatever other protection they have going
I've been mocked for it, but like you said, they are some scary shit. I've seen far more mandolin injuries than knife injuries and they're always bloody as hell.

[Anonymous No.4394399]

>>4394362
Holy crap. I don't know how to cook spaghetti and even I know that that's not how. Spaghetti should be soft, not on fire.

[Anonymous No.4394401]

>>4393427
>wipe ass with hand
>no soup

then dont cook you asshole

[Anonymous No.4394491]

>>4392636
You see I read this while I was tired and almost passed out from laughing too hard

my friend had to gently help me down from my chair to my floor. Thank anon

[Anonymous No.4394702]

>>4390486

>Girl wants to fuck you because you can make nachos

I can smell the fat dripping off her

[Anonymous No.4394704]

>>4392636

>It's like I was in a fucking Katamari game.

[Anonymous No.4394766]

>>4394375
I'm no physicist but eggs cook without oil bro

[Serkit !eSpvUDpflw No.4394791]

today for breakfast i ate a can of beans that was cooked in the microwave

[Anonymous No.4394807]

>>4394791
did you tell your mommy?

[Anonymous No.4394915]

>>4394375
>2013
>not feeding your mandolin slicer a ritual sacrifice of blood to appease its hunger for human flesh

[Anonymous No.4394918]

>>4394702
Um, you wanna try replying to a post again?

[Anonymous No.4395115]

>be 18 and clueless
>want to clean pot
>"Hey, vinegar clean stuff. Than should work for pots too"
>fill the pot with white vinegar
>boil the vinegar
>almost suffocate

[Anonymous No.4395144]

>>4394375
Mandolins are why I carry an obsessively sharp knife. I want nothing to do with the fucking things.

I had one that came with a safety once, the safety broke and fed my finger in anyways. A horrible piece of equipment for people with inadequate knife skills I say.

[Anonymous No.4395154]

>>4395115
>making tomato sauce
>deglaze pot with balsamic vinegar
>vinegar steam goes directly up my nostrils and suffocates my brain

[Anonymous No.4395197]

>>4390481
This post is donkey dick.

Fuck you.

[Anonymous No.4395216]

[Anonymous No.4395252]

>Be fairly stoned
>Decide I want ginger ale
>No Ginger ale, only sprite and ginger root
>we can work with this
>Grate ginger root place in bullet blender
>Fill up rest of blender with sprite
>Puree dat shit
>flip over blender cup, start unscrewing top
>POOOOMF
>sprite and ginger paste errywhar
The ginger flavored flat sprite was ok

[Anonymous No.4397278]

>>4395252
>10/10
>It was ok

[Anonymous No.4399401]

>>4388895

I remember that thread. That shit was hilarious.

[Anonymous No.4399421]

>>4394399
>my sides
i can't fucking breath you bastard.

[Anonymous No.4399437]

>>4395144
this
i only used a mandolin when i went through my 'everything must be gorgeous' phase

who gives a fuck if my pepper slices aren't all the same size

[Anonymous No.4399452]

>>4394704
Made my morning.

[Anonymous No.4399478]

Why don't you wrap a hand towel around your hand before using a mandolin?

[Anonymous No.4399503]

>>4399478

because that would:
1) make it difficult to retain a sound grip on the food being sliced, which is dangerous in and out of itself.

2) wouldn't stop a bad cut anyway; a mandolin will slice through a towel like it was nothing.

If you don't have the dexterity to use a mandolin safely then the best option is a butcher's glove. They are either chain mail or kevlar. They won't fuck with your grip and they will not be cut by the mandolin either.

[Anonymous No.4399782]

>We have Dominoes
>Dad tells me to put away the leftovers
>I put it in the oven since we've done that before and no ones using it
>Next day Dad starts preheating stove to make something
>Pizza box catches on fire
>Dads mad at me
>Pizza inside is perfectly fire roasted

It was pretty good

[Anonymous No.4399793]

>>4399503
I've used a ceramic mandoline and these things are not very sharp. is there a proper technique or something?

[Anonymous No.4399798]

>>4399782
fact: paper does not combust in an oven, it simply turns to carbon

[Anonymous No.4399804]

Every mandolin I've ever used (at least 6 that I can remember) has been missing it's hand guard.
>mfw when IDGAF, and I've only cut my finger on one once.

[Anonymous No.4399806]

>>4399793

It's ceramic. That's why it's not very sharp. The ceramic would be too brittle if it were shaped into a very steep edge like the metal ones have.

[Anonymous No.4399821]

>>4399798
I don't know man, maybe there was grease on the box or something. There was fire though and that pizza was perfect.

[Anonymous No.4399830]

>>4388604
>>>4387888
angel hair pasta


My fucked up drunk mind read
"Anal hair pasta"

Lol

[Anonymous No.4399862]

The first time I cooked for my current gf I made a ham and cheese omelette

Then when I cooked for her family, I made a curry
Unfortunately her family's spice shelf was so understocked that they didn't even have cumin. So I had to buy about $25 worth of spices for one meal.

But after the meal, her mom told me I had "inspired her to start cooking again"
and her wooden spoon is still stained yellow

[Anonymous No.4399873]

>>4388926
90% of the stories on FML are fake now.

[Anonymous No.4399904]

My mom once made me make some beef tips for her and the family. I don't know why she made me do it, but I guess it was because she was teaching me how to cook.

I cut up the beef, put various spices in it with some onions and potatoes. After it was done, I ate in and it was really fucking delicious. I'm in my room for a bit, come out, and I found her eating a salad.

>"You told me cook this for the house, why aren't you eating it?"
>"I'm doing a detox."

I haven't cooked for her since because she pulled that crap. And partially because she hates chicken and my best dishes are made with chicken.

[Anonymous No.4399914]

Oh, it's THIS thread again

[Anonymous No.4399916]

One time, I killed a hooker.

[Anonymous No.4399918]

>>4394329
>>4394344
>>4394362
Bingo. We have a gas stove and she got impatient and turned the flame up really high.

Also, she once melted a steamer pot in the microwave. It turned into a brown lump with little craters all over it from the shapes of the frozen corn kernels.
>mfw

[Anonymous No.4399920]

>Currently in nz for workntravel
> working hostel
> group of americans are making pasta
> puttibg the pasta in a pot with an inch of cold water inside
> ten minutes later they add enough water to cover the pasta
> still not boiling
> pasta is "done" 10 minutes later

> dont know nationality
> putting rice in a pot with water to cover it
> putting in the microwave for over thirty minutes

[Smith the CIA Agent No.4399921]

>>4399920
>NZ

where

[Anonymous No.4399922]

>>4399916
>story about cooking
>this
thats not cooking

[Anonymous No.4399925]

>>4394399
golden

[Anonymous No.4399929]

>>4399921

[Anonymous No.4399930]

>>4399921
Kaitaia

[RoseBot !!EAVp3wibgC6 No.4399936]

>>4399821
>dat pic
:-( My sides, jesus christ

[Anonymous No.4399978]

>>4399922
>>4399916
One time, I cooked a hooker.

[Anonymous No.4399987]

I was making some coffee cakes once and I completely switched the flour with cornstarch. When I put everything on the mixer it ended up very gooey so I had to start over. the end.

[Anonymous No.4399994]

>Be 12'ish
>Cooking class in public school
>I'm "that kid" in school, ADD, random rage, you name it.
>We have to make pancakes. Fucking pancakes.
>Have one of those days where everything just fucks up. I'm mad at everything before we even start making pancakes.
>Whip up the batter. Put some orange peel in that shit or something, can't remember.
>Bitch as fuck classmate who's supposed to be "on team" with me dicks around doing nothing.
>Aggro increases
>Batter is now made and set, proceed to cooking it.
>Fucking shit as fuck frying pan is old and damaged, handle almost fallen off.
>Smack some butter on that fucking frying pan, sizzles and shit.
>Pour batter on frying pan, first one burns, as always.
>Next pancake looks to be fine
>Suddenly, handle falls off the fucking frying pan
>I get fucking mad
>I don't give a fuck, grab the fucking red hot steel handle or something
>Proceed to cook pancakes
>End up with severe burns all over my fucking hands, end up going to hospital
>Didn't even get to taste pancakes

Worst day ever.

Morale of the story: don't cook pancakes if you're a butthurt 12 year old kid.

[Anonymous No.4399997]

>>4399994
moral of the story, don't let tards cook shit without proper supervision from tardwranglers

[Anonymous No.4399999]

>>4399997

Not exactly tard, just extremely unstable. My mom tells me I'm just a little special <3

[Anonymous No.4400089]

>>4399804
>cuts hand on 1 out of 6 mandolins
>thinks this is acceptable
>mfw you have no face
>inb4 could have used a mandolin more than once

[Anonymous No.4400145]

>be in middle school cooking class
>Thursday, cooking day
>chocolate chip cookies today
>cook in teams to "build teamwork skills" or some bullshit like that
>whatever, pitch in and do my part because cookies
>everything goes good until after cookies are in oven
>one kid on my team, "Uhh guys, I just read the recepie, I think I used too much sugar"
>whythefuckdidn'tyoureaditbefore.jpg
>"how much sugar did you use anon?"
>"I dunno, like 1 cup?"
>"That's not enough"
>"No, it's too much, it says 1 teaspoon"
>check what he added
>no sugar, 1 cup of salt
>our faces when trying cookies

[Anonymous No.4400163]

>>4399994
>Be 12'ish
Damn, you've got a pretty big dick.

[Anonymous No.4400274]

>>4399999
heil hitler

[Anonymous No.4400294]

>back in primary school culinary elective
>my second class, but first day
>grizzly looking man is there calling attendance
>goes over basic procedures
>fast forward to the end of this week
>we're all making some entry level dishes at our stations
>he's going on about safety when cutting anything
>he's using a mandolin
>we've all got those hand-shavers
>he begins demonstrating proper use, moves on to a knife
>student closer to him remarks that the tip of his (the teachers) ring finger is missing
>he bluntly asks "what do you mean missing?"
>he looks down, begins to freak out and carry on
>everyone losing their shit, me included
>goes on for another ten minutes, before a small woman rushes into the class
>big man stops and starts laughing really hard before introducing her
>long story short, the small woman was our teacher but she was late returning from vacation, some visa issue or something
>big man was the carpentry/shop/technical education teacher and a total bro
>later that year, someone causes an oven to explode while making a cake
>because of this, the budget for the class got so small, it was cancelled before the end of the year

[Anonymous No.4400455]

> breakroom at work
> what the fuck is that smell
> bagel left in microwave with 30ish minutes left on timer
> shriveled up, black, smoke coming off of it
> what the shittering-ass fuck
> receive e-mail about basic microwave operation days later

[Anonymous No.4400483]

>>4386383
The meat slicer at the deli I work at has claimed more fingers than a hallucinating Vietnam vet.

Everybody get hurt somehow during their first few days on the job. usually during cleaning. last week a new guy shaved part of the bone on his knuckle off while the machine was running. He'll probably never bend it all the way again

My manager had to explain to him that we don't have any bandages because a customer once found a bandage in her sandwich and sued the deli for $$$

That kid is probably never coming back

[Anonymous No.4400523]

>>4399873
>implying they were ever real.

[Anonymous No.4400547]

>>4392890
Yeah, I work in a kitchen and have to cook biscuits at 475 degrees, had to explain to a couple of the dumbass dishwashers to stop taking my towels, drying things off, and putting them back. The one guy is now a prep cook, and one day I had to throw a pan of salad away and explain to him why we wash our hands after putting raw turkey breast in the oven.

Same guy went on to get employee of the year for 2012.

[Anonymous No.4400654]

>>4400483
>The meat slicer at the deli I work at has claimed more fingers than a hallucinating Vietnam vet

lol'd heartily cheers

[Anonymous No.4400712]

>>4392636
I had http://www.youtube com/watch?v=iMH49ieL4es playing just before I read this and I nearly died laughing.

[Anonymous No.4400922]

>>4400145
Mother of God.
My sides.

[Anonymous No.4400981]

>be line cook in an assisted living facility
>Event coordinator gets the seniors liquored up.
>everyone orders potatoes... one guy manages to eat potato soup with potato battered chicken strips, with a side of mashed potatoes
>dementia patient off to the side has a cut up hamburger strewn all over her table
>Walk back into kitchen, hear, "We want Matlock" in a mock old person voice... spoken by head chef.
>go back to his place for moonshine after.
>just another day that I wouldn't trade for anything

[Anonymous No.4400995]

>>4386448
I'm confused about how most of these cutting accidents happen, you have a cleaver and you have a fucking cutting board, how you cutting your fingers off?

[Anonymous No.4401007]

>>4400995
Cut myself the other day with claw technique. My knife was duller than I thought, was cutting an onion. I had a new brand of gloves for handling fresh food (professional work; must use), and they slip easier. The knife slid and then twisted in my hand, nicked my thumb a bit.

[Anonymous No.4402192]

>>4400712
why did you fuck up your link?

[Anonymous No.4402194]

>>4401007
My friend cut his hand pretty badly, so now he uses an oyster shucking glove whenever he cuts things, because lol chainmail

[Anonymous No.4402197]

>adding nutmeg to bechamel sauce
>lid comes off shaker
>abort abort

[Anonymous No.4402225]

>>4387888
>that one time I wasted an entire box of frozen chicken nuggets, because I couldn't into the heat
>all of them burnt on the outside, frozen on the inside

[Anonymous No.4402242]

>Be like, ten
> making popcorn in the microwave
>burn it
>pull it out, open bag
> smoke directly into my eyes
>lay in the fetal position and scream for a few minutes
>Doorbell rings
>neighbor
>"HI! I BURNT MY POPCORN!"
>"yeah, I heard."

[Anonymous No.4402302]

>Be 12
>Already know how to cook basic stuff, trying to expand my abilities.
>Find some recipe books
>Chocolate cake! That sounds awesome
>No adult supervision, mother and older sister are out.
>Follow the recipe more or less right
>Time to put that bad boy in the oven
>Put timer on, go to living room to play videogames
>Too concentrated on the game didn't even heard the alarm
>OHSHIT!
>Get the "cake" out, it over flowed the container and spilled on a baking sheet I put bellow it
>Looks awful, try to salvage as much as I can cutting it in small squares
>mom and sister come back
>Oh! anon you made brownies?! nice!

Pic related


Not that interesting of a story, but i guess not everything can be injuries on the kitchen

[Anonymous No.4402306]

>>4399830
>"Anal hair pasta"

my-sides have been burned in a too hot pan

[Anonymous No.4402331]

How could you fuck up such glorious copypasta?!

[Anonymous No.4402336]

>>4392636
This^^^ fucking posting from shItphone. You fucked that copypasta good

[Anonymous No.4402406]

>Cooked for friend’s family, made beef bourguignon, his mom now totally loves me now
>His younger brother is a dumb shit
>Watches too much food network
>Refused to eat what I cooked because he’s a picky fuck (hates onions, hates mushrooms, hates everything except potatoes basically)
>Makes himself a pack of ramen
>Tells me next time i'm over he’ll make dinner “right”
>Cool free food, whatever
>Next weekend come over, he says he’s going to make carbonara
>Chilling in living room, smell something burning
>Me: “How often does your brother cook?”
>Friend: “I’ve never seen him cook before… “

>The clump before us was grainy, has weird spots of egg, tasted like plastic, and had a nice aftertaste of burnt bacon
>MFW he used canned parmesan…
>We eat dinner in silence, pushing this shit around so it looks like you ate it is impossible because it's just a big chunk of pasta goo on every plate
>*cough* So what’s your recipe?
>”Oh I used Sandra Lee’s recipe!”

[Anonymous No.4402505]

>>4402406
i have been loving reading this thread...
also, i had to look up Sandra Lee, and now i understand your revolt... terrible...
i have stories, but no time as i'm at work. so maybe later i'll join. i had this thread open since yesterday...
long live /ck/. my favorite pasttime when it's lunchtime and i'm hungry...

[vtak yo !EGW8pzdbCs No.4402518]

>>4402406
Well at least he tried where as you acted like an autistic jack ass and didnt even bother to give him any pointers. I doubt you were a master chef when you started

[Anonymous No.4402615]

>>4400483
>My manager had to explain to him that we don't have any bandages because a customer once found a bandage in her sandwich and sued the deli for $$$

The employee could have sued for not having proper first aid equipment available, meaning there is a very real health and contamination risk.

[Anonymous No.4402670]

>>4386770
had a similar issue

>making meatloaf
>all ingredients in bowl getting mashed up
>need more bread crumbs
>open container again
>quick peek inside
>bugs, bugs everywhere
>bugs in my meatloaf
>dump everything
>cereal for dinner

[Anonymous No.4402674]

>>4402518

>Sandra Lee recipe
>trying

HA

[Anonymous No.4402753]

>>4387888
>>4402225
You people do understand that microwaves exist right?

[Anonymous No.4402767]

>>4402753

>that picture

[Anonymous No.4402809]

Looking back on it, my childhood could best be explained as a learning experience of horrific trial and error. I'd like to blame my parent's for thinking it was a good idea to leave me alone from the year 10 onwards, I'm not really mad though.
>Be 11
>Place previous day's meal in microwave
>little had I known that half the plates in the house are made of a volatile substance that was given to exploding when placed in a microwave for an excess of 1 minute
>it was a large bowl
>microwave physically explodes
>receive shrapnel
>doctor had to remove glass and ceramic from my backside
>my parent's face when
They didn't learn from that one though, sadly.

[Anonymous No.4402845]

>>4402809
>plates that explode in the microwave
What the fuck? I've had some plates made with ceramic glaze containing metals which gets stupidly hot in the microwave, but even after like 5 minutes on max power they didn't crack.

[Anonymous No.4402849]

One time my mum asked me to put the roast chicken in the oven before she came back from work.. I saw the roasting tin on the side by the oven, put it in

There was no chicken in the tin

It has never been forgotten

[Anonymous No.4402929]

>>4402845
Not saying this had to be the case, but sometimes if the plates aren't made properly, they could end up with tiny particles of water in them
Obviously, in a microwave this wouldn't be good news for the plate

[Anonymous No.4402956]

>>4389107
>>4388926


I love the idea that he didn't even think like, to grab a towel or something. Just.. hands.

[Anonymous No.4402965]

>>4402929
Not everything is microwave safe, like cheaply made dishes, old dishes, and certain clear glass plates get too hot when heated and can explode. If there is a flaw in the dish or some kind of chip or crack in the dish, it could also affect it.

[Anonymous No.4403042]

>caramel recipe
>microwave
>use microwave safe dish
>accidentally set timer way too high
>bottom inside the ceramic bowl is perminently blackened now
never again, so much smoke

[Anonymous No.4403044]

Today I spent the afternoon trying to sharpen one of my shitty knives and in the end it wound up being about as sharp as when I started.

[Anonymous No.4403052]

>work at candy store
>retarded manager tries hand at training
>see employee later dipping candy apples without gloves when leaving for the day
>give him the old lecture and warning, he puts the gloves on
>leave for the day
>never see him again
>found out later one he took the gloves back off when supervisor went on break, apple fell off stick, grabbed it with hand.

and another story but this time it happened to me
>cleaning dishes in back room so that we can close faster
>almost done
>big glass container in the bottom, lifting it out of water
>breaks, cuts hand open
>almost had to get stitches, nothing too bad though, could have been worse
>next day, the retarded manager is in and does a follow up and tries to blame me for "not being safe" when someone else put a heavily cracked container in the cloudy sink water because they didn't know where they should put it since it broke.

[Anonymous No.4403760]

>>4403052
fucking...OW

[Anonymous No.4403796]

>>4403052
That is why I always work with the rule, nothing goes into the water unless they are being actively washed. I've left places where management wouldn't enforce such simple standard safety procedures. 12 an hour isn't worth losing a finger.

[Anonymous No.4403859]

>>4395144

I'd like to see you make a pave without a mandolin, or hell even lyonaisse potatoes.

[Anonymous No.4403943]

>be 13an
>in home ec grade 7
>vietnamese kid next to me is using the kitchen to make his food from home
>it's some cooked noodles, some vegetables, and... raw meat? what the fuck
>what the fuck
>what he's just pouring water on it
>jesus fuck is he going to eat raw meat soup
>dude! you can't just eat raw meat soup! I say, eyes wide
>he looks ashamed of himself and of his family
>years later
>this is pho?
>oh geez

[Anonymous No.4403958]

>>4403760

That... that can't be real. The logical side of me wants to say fuck that, but the curious side of me wants to try it.

[Anonymous No.4403974]

>>4403958
It's from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. If you aren't watching that show, you aren't living

[Anonymous No.4403976]

I've got one that happened last year.

>Cooking for a cater group: pizza among tons of other part favors. Make the base, fill it with sauce and cheese. get tomato paste on hands
>Leave the room to go wash hands, come back and put the pizza in the oven.
>Come back later, it's baked, give it to the cater group
>Next day Cater group comes to us with a response from a very angry couple.
>"There was something in the Pizza"
>"It was a balloon"

It was a fucking condom.

[Anonymous No.4403993]

>>4392636
old pasta is old

[Anonymous No.4404000]

>>4403976
how?

[Anonymous No.4404039]

>>4386448
Drunk-diced several onions, nothing happens.
Clean knife in sink, almost lost a good portion of my left index finger tip, spraying blood everywhere.
Still remind me of the pain now and then, makes me cringe.
drunk+sharp knife: nevar again.

pic related. muh red juice

[Anonymous No.4404040]

>>4403993
I didn't copypasta it. It's my story and I greentext it in different ways each time.

[Anonymous No.4404041]

>>4402518
The only thing that bitch did was try to show off, and badly. I wouldn't have just given th fuck any pointers either. He can ask for them instead of being a know-it-all cunt.

[Anonymous No.4404047]

>>4403044
Can't sharpen knives either.

[Anonymous No.4404053]

my favorite cooking story

[Anonymous No.4404057]

>>4404000
tfw you open the kitchen and walk in to see butt prints in the flour on the floor that wasn't swept up

[Anonymous No.4404071]

>>4402753
I don't get the picture 0_o

[Anonymous No.4404076]

This happened to my dad a few hours ago.

>Move into new house
>New microwave, High wattage
>Put soup in for 35 seconds
>Somehow explodes upward and soup splats on the ceiling and walls.

Should cream of mushroom do this?

[Anonymous No.4404121]

>>4404076
Did it explode in the microwave or outside of it? If inside then cover your damn soup with plastic wrap, otherwise it was superheated and it being disturbed caused it to bubble violently but 35 seconds shouldn't do that...

[Anonymous No.4404123]

>>4404121
Are you seriously proposing the superheating of cream of mushroom soup? lol

[Anonymous No.4404124]

>>4404123
Not that anon, but liquids in microwaves do superheat. Like anon said, I doubt that was the case because of 35 seconds, but it's possible. If there was a large chunk of juicy mushroom in the middle of a bunch of thick cream or something like that, the temperature variances can grow rapidly.

[Anonymous No.4404127]

>>4404124
Superheating would only occur in a liquid free of most contaminants. The soup would have too many nucleation points and allow the heat to disperse.

[Anonymous No.4404139]

>>4404127
I wasn't suggesting superheating when I was talking about the mushroom chunk. I was suggesting that the uneven heating can cause steam expansion pockets. If that pocket were to manage to not burst for long enough, I guess that could possibly cause superheating, but I would think you'd have to have insanely thick suspension.

[Anonymous No.4404170]

>>4404071
He put a thumb tack through the only side that's kind of okay to step on. Have you never stepped on a Lego before?

[Anonymous No.4404250]

>using mixer with dough hook
>takes a while, tv is own
>look away for a moment
>mixer walks off counter and falls through floor

The mixer survived. My floor did not.

[Anonymous No.4404259]

>be making banana foster
>bout to get to feuego part
>Boyfriend comes behind me
>his long hair (because he's acting retarded) gets into fire
>about an inch off from parts of his hair

[Anonymous No.4404401]

>>4388895
Please tell me this thread was archived

[Anonymous No.4404661]

>>4404401
It was, just like all our threads in the past couple of years.

[Anonymous No.4404686]

>>4404053
I used to love these, do you have any more?

[Anonymous No.4405170]

>3 or something
>Dad is sleeping and mom is at work
>Pour some apple juice into my sippy cup
>Decide apple juice is too cold
>Warm it up in microwave
>Grab cup, perfectly fine
>Drink juice
>Burn the absolute fuck out of my throat

I was okay, but it's given me a permanent wheezy laugh. Like, that dog from Wacky Races.

[Anonymous No.4407310]

>>4405170
what do you sound like when you sing?

[Anonymous No.4407314]

I like to cook while drunk. One time i got pretty damn drunk and had disabled my smoke alarms in my apartment becuase they are too fucking sensitive so i make some frys in the oven and pass out. I wake up to smoke filled apartment and burned frys.

[Anonymous No.4407330]

>trying to cook something
>make dumb mistake
>food comes out wrong
>i am sad

[Anonymous No.4407443]

>>4407330
A French artistic film

[Anonymous No.4407464]

>>4400145

related:
>at my parents house
>making japanese cucumber salad
>added soy sauce to cucumber, now i just need some sugar
>grab the ol' sugar can from the cabinet
>carefully add sugar
>taste, still salty
>add more sugar
>still fucking salty
>do it again two more times
>my mom comes into the kitchen
>says: why did you use that salt can, there is one right here on the counter!
Turned out she refilled the can I knew as the sugar can with salt. We luckely still had some cucumber, but the result was a pretty small salad.

[Borneo No.4407621]

>>4407464
>>making japanese cucumber salad
Sounds interesting, recipe?

[Anonymous No.4407648]

>>4407621
There's nothing to it, really:
>thinly sliced cucumber, in small cirkels or lengthwise
>soy sauce
>white rice vinegar
>grated ginger

Mix according to flavor.

[Anonymous No.4407671]

>on pain pills, decide to make madeleines, oatmeal pie, zuppa Toscana, and a chilled coconut soup
>boiling coconut mixture in blender, explodes all over me
>mad, hold my hand on the lid, explodes again
>clean up, pour browned butter on my hand
>washing out pot, water gets on the floor
>slip and fall
>cut hand while dicing sausage
>burn hand on pie that's coming out of oven
>cry

[Borneo No.4407672]

>>4407648
This is going on my to make list. Cheers!

[Anonymous No.4407688]

>12 and dumb, grew up without mom so no cooking skills but want to make Russian tea cakes
>only liquid in recipe is butter
>gets stuck in mixer, decide to stick my hand in there to dislodge the batter from the beaters
>break finger

[Anonymous No.4408039]

>be little anon on holiday with gran
>have one of these
>helping gran chop carrots for mince&tatties
>chop
>chop
>chop
>SLICE
>veggie slicer used remove anon's finger pad, It's super effective
>AAARRRGGGGHHHH!
>wave finger back and fourth like you're telling someone off, but at hyper speed
>blood on ceiling
>blood on shelves
>blood on granddad's socks
>blood everywhere
>when we went on holiday the next year we found even more dried blood that we missed

[Anonymous No.4408071]

>last year 420
>be pretty good cook
>friends want me to make dinner
>too high to remember any recipies, too lazy to read a book
>decide to make a stew with everything that looks tasty
>put broth in
>lunch meat
>various spices
>kraft cheese
>find a giant ass spoon, biggest one I own
>look at stew and realize it's missing something
>open up cabinet
>peanut butter to the rescue
>i don't even like peanut butter what am I doing?
>oh well maybe I'm high enough

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Tasted like shit as you can imagine. Didn't throw it away or put it up and went to taco bell, next morning my kitchen smelled like something spent it's dying breaths taking a shit on the stove.

[Anonymous No.4408081]

>>4408039
another from me

>last year
>gran gives us a tray of individual microwaveable christmas puddings
>fuck yeah, christmas pudding
>chuck one in microwave for two minutes
>hmm, doesn't seem very hot
>2 mins more
>microwave starts belching plastic smoke,
>I get a nice lungful as I try to toss the burning christmas pudding out the back door onto the concrete
>spend 5 mins with plastic big pastry template wafting smoke out the door
>TFW no christmas pudding

[Anonymous No.4408362]

[Anonymous No.4408451]

Ultimate retard story
>11 years old
>toaster oven has plug that gets absurdly hot during use
>need to unplug toaster after done making toast or else it would cause a fire or something
>in retrospect this thing was already pretty dangerous
>rather than unplugging it using oven mitts or something, I decide I can pry it from the plug with a butter knife
>I understand the danger of electric shock so I'm careful
>it's like a game of Operation except more deadly
>BLINDING FLASH OF LIGHT
>the socket is completely
>the knife is melted (pic related)
>somehow I'm unharmed
>I put the knife under the microwave to hide my shame

My parents found it anyway.

[Anonymous No.4408462]

>>4408451
I'm not sure I believe this. I've stuck paperclips into sockets many times, and they never melted. Or even got hot. I simply got a shock, and then the breaker broke.

[Anonymous No.4408487]

>>4408462
I have no proof other than that my parents still tease me about it.

[Anonymous No.4408504]

>>4408451
Why didn't you throw the knife away?

[Anonymous No.4408546]

>>4408504
>Ultimate retard story

[Anonymous No.4408556]

>>4408487
fair enough.

[Anonymous No.4408621]

>>4386770

>Making dinner for ex and her family after her mother's funeral
>house is unkempt due to circumstances
>challenge accepted
>I'll make homemade pasta...bugs in flour
>I'll make chicken kiev...chicken is so bad it literally and I mean LITERALLY fell apart in my hand
>Okay...there's pitas and chick peas...tabbouleh it is
>turned out pretty good, everybody liked them
>after dinner, ex comes up to me and says that was a sweet meal to make
>ask why
>her mother ate only pitas for the last few weeks of her life, and it just so turns out that...
>this certain bag of pitas were laying next to her dead mother


>mfw

[Anonymous No.4409093]

>>4408621
gross