Fail Cooking

[Anonymous No.4336725]

A long time ago I came here and saw a thread where everyone was sharing their stories of hilarious results when they were cooking while drunk/high/sleep deprived or just outright failed. Don't see anything like that now so share your stories/photos?

[Borneo No.4336738]

>exam week
>sleeping ~3 hours a day
>decide it would be nice to have hardboiled eggs to snack on while I burn the midnight oil
>put eggs and water in pot and walk away
>forget about it until hunger pangs a couple of hours later
>the water had boiled away and the eggs were burnt black
I was so devastated, those were the last eggs I had left.

[Anonymous No.4337101]

>trying to finish paper to submit
>put a pizza in the oven
>forget to check the time
>realize soon after didn't check time
>have no idea how long as passed
>make note to check pizza every five minutes
>still manage to burn the crust edges because of getting distracted by paper

[Anonymous No.4337155]

>super high, can't decide between a PB&J or pancakes
>PB&J pancakes!
>horrifyingly disgusting

[Anonymous No.4337165]

One time when I was drunk and new to cooking, I decided to make some cheddar tuna helper. When I got to the point where I needed to add milk, I looked in the fridge and saw that I only had chocolate.

How much harm can one cup do, right?

Wrong, I ended up with chocolate cheddar tuna n' noodles. I still ate more than half of it before throwing it out.

[Anonymous No.4337181]

>be 2006, 13 years old
>confrence call with friends (remember those)
>sipping on the cooking sherry to be cool
>want to reheat some fried rice
>don't own a microwave
>don't really know how to cook
>put it in a pot
>"aw shit, what if it gets all dehyrdated on the stovetop? better put it on the oven"
>why.gif
>425 degrees
>half an hour
>open the oven door
>reach in, grab the pot handle

Fuck greentexting. When I woke the next morning, I had burned my hand so badly that the skin was white and perfectly smooth and shiny and quite permanently sealed into a curled position, like it was still holding the pot.

My mum took me to the doc the next day and he said I'd probably never have fingerprints on that hand again, and little to no sensitivity. He could either cut/laser the skin to free it up, or I could soak it in lukewarm water every night for a few hours and then sloooooowly uncurl my hand.

I chose the latter option. The hand healed up better than expected, in fact I thought it was fine until about a year ago. I was helping unload the kiln in the pottery studio, and discovered I could easily and comfortably handle the hot pottery with my right hand - the whole hand is scar tissue. I do have prints, though.

Never again

[Anonymous No.4337208]

>Putting frosting on hot cupcakes

You deserve it.

[Anonymous No.4337227]

>first time cooking rice
>1 cup of water for 2 cups of rice
>bring it to a boil
>leave it for 20 minutes
>come back
>its now a paste
>1/16" of shit burned on bottom of sauce pan
>let it soak for a month
>it doesnt come off

[Anonymous No.4337244]

>>4337181
Holy shit.

[Anonymous No.4337263]

>>4337227
It won't. Toss it.

[Anonymous No.4337269]

I've only ever failed once when I made cookies in my aunts oven that was apparently hot as the sun considering my cookies were burnt black after 8 minutes at 350

[Anonymous No.4337313]

>be at friends house
>not much food
>decide on shit burritos because poor collegefag
>decide to go swimming
>come back and smell something burnt
>look in oven to find burritos i forgot
>bitch black all the way through
>looks like charcoal
>lol when we have to go buy more food because thats all he had

[Anonymous No.4337326]

I tried to boil pasta a few weeks ago and I just put it in the water and left it but the exposed pasta didn't sink down into the water like it usually does, so I came back to see my pasta all burnt where it was leaning against the pot

I burnt pasta

[Anonymous No.4337600]

[Anonymous No.4337617]

>>4337600
Seems like the perfect time to grab a camera and document.

[Anonymous No.4338759]

>First day I moved out of home I couldn't be bothered cooking for myself but i was really hungry.
>Had a bag of dried lentils and think 'Oh yeah this will be like dried peas, I can just eat them now.'
>grab massive handful and shove them in my mouth.
>about 20 seconds of chewing later I realized they tastes like rocks and it wasn't getting any better.
>Choke suddenly and spit every out onto the floor.
>Spend next half hour picking up all the bits of half eaten dried lentils from the carpet.
>Dad comes in, to help move stuff
>he say 'What are you doing?'
>I say 'Did you know you can't just eat dried lentils?'
> he burst out laughing, then calls mum so she can laugh too.

[Anonymous No.4338788]

>be high
>my friend only has tortillas, so i can't make a sandwich
>grab a tortilla, see some nutella, honey, brown sugar and saltines.
>put all that on a tortilla and wrap it up
>jizz my pants from amazingness.

[Anonymous No.4338795]

>>4338788
>grab a tortilla, see some nutella, honey, brown sugar and saltines.
why can't i hold all of this vomit

[Anonymous No.4338809]

>let's make white chili!
>holy fuck, I don't have chicken
>hey, look! tofu!
>hmmm, tofu doesn't have much flavor. extra cumin and oregano!
...
>fuck me and my disgusting dish

[Anonymous No.4338834]

>end of semester
>hardly any food or money left
>tim 4 dinner
>only have pasta and a tin of vegetable soup left
>too hungry to have just a shitty tin of soup
>cook pasta and add soup to it
>end up eating nothing because it was fucking vile
why the fuck did I even hope that it wouldnt be awful

[Anonymous No.4338913]

reading all these burned myself while cookin stories reminds me of being at work

>im a night cook at Dennys
>drained oil out of one of the 5 deep fryers to clean
>using a bucket of boiling water to flush out any leftover debris
>some of the water splashes into one of the other 350* fryers
>thus resulting in that fryer breaking and me nearly losing my job

[Anonymous No.4338924]

>>4337600
Guilty of that. The worst part was that I was too lazy to cook more spaghetti (even though I had a huge amount left) and spent ten minutes cutting all the burnt bits off. Other than that, I consistently fail at making tasty pasta sauces.

>mhm, let's make healthy pasta sauce
>add tomato paste
>add passata
>add three blocks of frozen spinach
>add cubed ham

In the end, I only had a huge saucepan with the most vile pasta sauce ever. However, I did not want to admit defeat to my roommates and forced myself to eat most of it over the course of two weeks.

[Anonymous No.4338931]

>>4337244
that picture

[Anonymous No.4338952]

>>4338924
You're breakin my heart anon.

Sweat a mirepoix (two cups total maybe, diced fine) in some olive oil with some garlic, a little dried oregano, fresh ground, salt and ital seasoning blend (easy on the herbs at this point). Push it all to one side of the pan and toast a little (tbsp or two) tomato paste, then deglaze with a splash or four of red wine. Add tomatoes of choice, remembering this is the bulk of the dish (tinned are easiest). Another dash or two of oregano and ital seasoning, maybe a bay leaf, and let the shit simmer for 10 minutes stirring occasionally. Taste it, then add a pinch of salt and some dried basil and if your sauce is a little to sharp, a pinch of preferably brown or turbinado sugar. Taste it again, add a shake or two of ital seasoning if it's not italian tasting enough, and walk away to let it simmer another 20 minutes. Come back, taste it, and add several handfuls of fresh spinach and some fresh basil if you've got it (if you do, don't add the dried basil above). Stir it all in and walk away again for 5 minutes. Come back and check it out. If it's too thick, add water. After desired consistency is reached, taste and correct salt if needed. If it's still too sharp, add sugar. End with a grind or two of fresh ground on top.

Serve over pasta with some parm. I call it my florentine pasta sauce, and it's the healthiest I've got.

[Anonymous No.4338978]

> first month of uni
> making curry with friend
> make curry, friend in charge of cooking rice
> friend takes out 1kg (2lb) bag of rice
> "anon, how much rice should I make?"
> tell him to pour it all in
> friend still not used to my sarcastic, dead-pan humour
> pours it all in
> end up with 2 servings of curry, 10 of rice

It was clearly the guy's first attempt at cooking. He spent his remaining 3 1/2 years of uni eating pre-made Findus lasagne and cottage pies

[Anonymous No.4339037]

>>4338952
Sounds good.

[Anonymous No.4339049]

>thought I would slice and bake some white radish cakes instead of pan frying them traditionally to cut down the grease
>put the slices on flimsy foil pans
>pic related, where the oil ended up
>one full hour of thorough cleaning of the oven by two hungry people
>had to leave before eating anything

[Anonymous No.4339052]

>>4339049
you forgot the picture, and I really want to see it

[Anonymous No.4339066]

>>4337155
wtf did you do? I regularly put peanut butter and sometimes jelly on my pancakes, it's delicious

[Anonymous No.4340964]

When I was about 14-15 I got the great idea to make a super caffeinated drink by putting Surge through the coffeemaker (with coffee of course). The result was awful.

[Anonymous No.4340967]

>>4340964

I did that but with Water Joe. It was a caffeinated bottled water. You've probably never heard of it.

[Anonymous No.4340988]

>14 years old
>Decide to get a pot with some cooking oil heating with frozen veggies in it. Put it to medium low and leave the stove alone
>5 minutes later
>I come back to the stove and notice the veggies have only half-melted
>Look to my left
>A small, innocuous, pink plate is sitting on the flat electric stove ontop of a red hot burner surface
>I panic, turn off the stove, and stare at the plate
>Nothing happened, it didn't melt, etc.
>Laugh with a sigh of relief, take off my glasses and look down at the pink plate
>It explodes
>Fumes hit me in the eyes
>I run out of the kitchen screaming, trip over my dog, lie on the floor for a few minutes

Welp. At least I'm not blind or something. But I can cook nowadays without nearly killing myself.

[Anonymous No.4340995]

>at girlfriends house with friend
>we decide that a most excellent accompaniment to our beers would be homemade onion rings
>get get all the ingredients out, pour half a pot of oil, put it on the stove to heat up and begin chopping onions
>no oil thermometer so just decide to test it first
>chopping takes longer than expected
>dip onion ring in batter and carefully put it in the pan
>turns black literally within 5 seconds, smoke everywhere, smells horrible
>open all the windows and put pot outside in the snow to cool, extract carbonized onion ring
>house smells like oil for 2 days

we did them properly once the oil was the right temperature again, turns out homemade onion rings arent nearly as nice as ones you buy in restaurants, they were so oily even after draining.

[Anonymous No.4341003]

>making pilaf
>didn't add all the stock in at once.
>accidentally risotto'd
>dun goofd

[Anonymous No.4341006]

>>4340964
I once had some instant coffee mixed with guanine and added caffeine called "Rocket Fuel", it came in a plastic tub like those protein powders but about 200g. I decided to put it through the percolator (pic related) and added a pint of water to the bottom. With a full thing of ground coffee, that's enough for about 9 espressos. I drank a pint of this super-enriched caffeine coffee and my head was pulsing for hours.

Felt fucking awesome though, I wanted to sprint and jump and just do stuff.

[Anonymous No.4341021]

>>4337269
Maybe it was Celsius.

[Anonymous No.4341023]

>at uni, first year, hungry at 4am
>deicde to make some rice because it's all i have left
>boil rice
>decide i could make it more interesting by making it aromatic rice
>add a tablespoon of whole garam masala
>drain, put in plate
>pick through admittedly delicious rice while removing a billion tiny cloves and seeds that taste like shit and aren't edible
>get about halfway through before giving up and stealling a flatmates pizza (replaced it next day)

[Anonymous No.4341100]

>>4340995
Get a thermometer and try again. They were oily because the oil wasn't hot enough.

[Anonymous No.4341115]

>>4341100
>frankly i'd have a hard time persuading them that we should do it again. and eve if we get it right i don't fancy eating onion rings for at least a year, we ate like a kilogram of oily battery onion rings that night. felt really ill next day.

[Anonymous No.4341118]

>>4336725
Whoever made the pic in OP looks like they were supposed to wait for the cupcakes to cool & take them out of the rack.

[Anonymous No.4341121]

>>4337181
Damn, son.

All I did was put american cheese on slices of ham...

[Anonymous No.4341156]

>>4337181
How is it possible to be burnt that bad and just do nothing about it. Forget the wine, that's nothing here. How can you seriously have done this shit.

[Anonymous No.4341162]

Once tried to make aioli when I was super drunk. Mistook my whites for the yolks. My drunk house mates thought I was crazy.

[Anonymous No.4341191]

>>4337181

Nice try, Daenerys Targaryen.

[Anonymous No.4341212]

My little sister made Easy Mac once and somehow FORGOT to put in water.

Let's just say we had to put the microwave in the garage for a month until the horrible stench went away.

[Anonymous No.4341246]

>>4337181
I'm surprised you lived past 13. How could you not have known that was hot let alone grabbing it with your bare hand? I would've understood better if you were stupid enough to grab hot items with wet paper towels.

[Anonymous No.4341258]

>Stoned out of my mind
>Making pancake batter
>Pour in a whole litre of milk
>Too high to comprehend fixing the batter with flour, eggs, sugar...
>Eat the batter directly from the bowl with a spoon.

[Anonymous No.4341262]

Not really a cooking story, but I do all my grocery shopping stoned. Came back with 10 jars of pesto sauce last week. I'm only halfway through the first.

[Anonymous No.4341264]

>>4341258
Another time I had a few beers and decided to make some enchiladas. Start to cut onions and 'forget' claw grip.
>Proceed to remove the end of my pinky finger.

[Anonymous No.4341266]

>finishing paper for genetics
>decide to make bread
>set timers
>don't fuck anything up
>bread comes out perfect

...How are you guys even able to dress yourselves in the morning? Seriously.

[Anonymous No.4341271]

worst ive ever done to myself was pour boiling water on my shoe one night when i was drunk and high
>it was the best ramen ever

[Anonymous No.4341386]

>making soup and a salad
>decide to bake croutons
>croutons in oven
>no time, I got this
>commence making soup
>soup lookin' good
>start prepping salad
>big bowl, full of lettuce
>drizzle with oil
>aww yeah looking good
>wait whats that smell
>look in oven
>eerie blackness
>open oven
>smoke pours out
>flames leap from crouton tray
>SHIT SHIT SHIT
>pull out crouton tray
>aim it at sink
>miss
>lands in salad
>oil burns like petrol
I set fire to a salad.

[Anonymous No.4341520]

>>4337600
Question..... how do you set something on fire while boiling it?

[Anonymous No.4341521]

>>4341520
very carefully

[Anonymous No.4341522]

>>4341262
And you stoners say marijuana is harmless.....

[Anonymous No.4341524]

>get home drunk with buddy, planning on cooking pizza
>continue to drink
>pass out until morning
>decide to cook the pizza for breakfast
>walk downstairs
>black smoke everywhere
>it seems we had started to cook pizza drunk
>pizza had baked for 8 hours
>wait for pizza to cool down
>go to park and play frisbee with charcoal pizza

[Anonymous No.4341529]

I came home from my work at a sushi restaraunt with loads of leftover rolls and nigiri once. I was sick of eating bloody sushi so I mixed it all together to make fried rice.

Never again.

[Anonymous No.4341531]

>>4341524
>>go to park and play frisbee with charcoal pizza

[Anonymous No.4341534]

I once tried to make southern fried chicken for my brother and I. Unfortunately, I'd burnt my tongue on liquified nitrous oxide and my sinuses were completely blocked.

It tasted fine to me, I was informed by my brother that it tasted like hatred and fear.

[Anonymous No.4341547]

>buy super deep dish pizza
>put in oven and bake
>take it out and it smells kind of funny but whatever
>christ this fucker is thick
>have to use butcher knife and press down with all my weight
>serve to friends and self
>first bite I hit some kind of resistance that was clearly not pizza
>it was cardboard
>it wasn't a super deep dish but two pizzas on top of each other
>holy shit I a fucking retard

[Anonymous No.4341639]

>>4341547
I laughed so hard I cried.

[Anonymous No.4341640]

>>4341547
>have to use butcher knife and press down with all my weight

This is where you should have stopped and assessed the pizza situation.

[Anonymous No.4341643]

>>4341547
poeple in my ping-pong class saw me laugh from this one

[Anonymous No.4341645]

>>4340964
>make coffee in simple coffeemaker
>take coffee as water substitute for the next coffee in the simple coffeemaker

I actually know people that like that black abyss.

[Anonymous No.4341653]

>>4338952
Mm, that sounds so good, that I am changing my dinner plans for tonight.

Could you please elaborate more on your mirepoix variety? I had to look up what it was to even know.

And could you add specific amounts so I don't completely fuck this up (how much tomatoes?)

Also, what would you put in your italian seasoning blend if made yourself? (Budgeting)

Sounds delicious- if I wanted to make it a beef sauce, what changes would you suggest/how would I go about it?

I generally heat up jarred pasta sauce, or when making meat sauce just cook the meat and pour the jarred sauce in... Don't know why I've never stepped up my spaghetti level.

[Anonymous No.4341655]

>>4341643
>ping pong class

Quit wasting money.

[Anonymous No.4341669]

>>4341653
not the same poster

a typical italian mirepoix would be onions, garlic and celery iirc
here in austria the typical mirepoix would be carrots, celeriac, leek and parsley.

it just sets the tone of the dish and is different from country to country.

just look up some variations and use the one you would like the best.

I personally would go for a simple onion, leek, celeriac with that particular recipe - I don't like carrots in my pasta sauces

for italian seasoning, I'd use basil, oregano, thyme, marjoram and rosemary
pretty straight forward. but I don't like using those mixes, I'd rather use them separately and just go with the herbs the dish really needs.

[Anonymous No.4341675]

>>4341669
Thanks, but- specific amounts? Like, how many can's of tomato's- everything seems to have amounts except for the main ingredient.

And to add beef, just add the cooked ground beef to it?

[Anonymous No.4341685]

>>4341675

Usually nobody bothers to mention the amount of ingredients in mirepoix because it's such a basic thing in cooking. It's like telling people how to boil water, it's assumed you know how to do it already.

Traditional mirepoix is carrots:celery:onions in a 1:1:2 ratio by weight. That's approximately equal to one carrot, one stick of celery, and one large onion. If you need to scale it up then just use 2 carrots, 2 celery sticks, 2 onions, etc.

[Anonymous No.4341688]

>>4341675
with ground beef, I'd just sear it in the pan before doing all the above.
take it out after it's browned and done. use the same pan for the above steps. At it later, after you add the tomatoes.

the tomatoes are the bulk, as he said, so I'd go with 2 cans for 2-3 servings, add as much spinach as you like.

oh, and just a tip:
add the dried herbs as soon as possible (eg after deglazing/adding the tomatoes)
add the fresh herbs as late as possible
you should use fresh basil it's just better

[Anonymous No.4341703]

>>4337181
I want pictures.

[Anonymous No.4341707]

>>4341688
Alright thanks, wish me luck!

[Anonymous No.4341722]

>>4341246
he said he was 13, and sipping on teh cooking shery
he obviously was mildly drunk and thought it was a good idea

[Anonymous No.4341731]

>Be Valentine's Day this year.
>Go to eat dinner with the folks (tfwnogf)
>They've taken out some steaks
>I go ahead and grill them so they could work on the rest of dinner.
>Go check on the steaks
>little fire under one so I move it.
>Come back a little later
>Notice the Thermometer on the grill has stopped working.
>Open grill
>Seventhlayerofhell.jpg
>Turn off gas
>Get steak off grill
>End of burning 2
Now normally I'm a pretty competent chef but the only thing I can think of that turned the grill into Dante's Inferno was there was so much fat in the steaks that it ignited the fire.

[Anonymous No.4342893]

>young
>massive amount of chocolate
>want to melt and mold it
>put it in the microwave
>worried about some of the chocolate burning and some not melting because I put so much in at once
>add water to the chocolate with the logic that it will distribute the heat more evenly

;_;

[Anonymous No.4342931]

>18
>quite stoned
>Now would be a good time for making soup
>go to cupboard, get out veggies
>boil water with some betterthanboullion
>"this needs meat"
all we had were frozen chicken breasts, which I threw in the pot and checked back in two hours later
The yam disintigrated, but otherwise it was bretty gud

[Anonymous No.4342947]

>>4336725
you want the best drunk ever?
youtube - "My Drunk Kitchen"
/thread

[Anonymous No.4342952]

>>4342893
lol

[Anonymous No.4343004]

About five months of chili once a week in junior year of high school: cooked the ground beef in the pot too long, so it became a rubbery mess.

One time added blue cheese dressing, that weekend was ungodly.

Tried to make angel hair pasta from the box but was impatient

first try, not cooked enough.

second try, cooked too long,it was all mush.

third try, edible but crunchy

Dad experimented with diff pizza sauces

chili: eh
cocktail sauce: almost literally the worst food i ever had

[Anonymous No.4343007]

>>4343004
We made shrimp, cooked in olive oil. i realized we left the tails on, so to recify this, I pulled every one of them from the heated oil, and removed the tail by hand.

My mom does not understand that adding tomato based anything does not make everything better.

I pored about a quarter gallon of lemonade in the dark before realizing the reason the cup wasn't filling was because the glass broke

[Anonymous No.4343035]

>drunk with friend
>want a frozen pizza
>somehow manage to turn it on and put it in
>wake up the next day covered in barf
My other friend apparently took it out and found us passed out. He then cleaned us up and took us to his couch. He's a good friend.

[Anonymous No.4343054]

>how to make chocolate milk

[Anonymous No.4343125]

This just happened
>making nut bread
>Towards the end I add sugar to the top (my mom liks to sprinkle sugar on the batter)
>Eat some
>Why is this so fucking salty
And there goes the entire top of my nut bread.

[Anonymous No.4343127]

>>4343125
Did you try it with the salt? I mean nuts+salt isnt really all that of a foreign concept, coulda been good

[Anonymous No.4343147]

>>4343127
Yes I at a slice that didn't have too much salt on it and it was ok.
There were parts of the top that were fucking DOWSED in salt though, it wouldn't have even tasted like anything like bread.

[Anonymous No.4343162]

>>4341156

my housemate did a similar thing when he was a kid with a pan on the stove.

[Anonymous No.4343978]

>16 years old
>Don't know how to cook because I'm a faggot
>Girl I like is spending the night at my house after hanging out because her parents are too lazy to pick her up so she can't get home
>We get hungry but she doesn't want to go out to eat something
>Decide to get creative and try making stir-fry noodles with chicken
>Grab bag of instant ramen
>boil it
>It gets a little soggy because it was a little too long
>"It should get crispy when I cook it..."
>Get the fucking wok out
>Throw some olive oil in and let it heat just a little
>Throw soggy noodles and raw chicken bits into it with assorted veggies, using the ramen seasoning as flavoring
>Smoke fucking everywhere
>She asks if everything is okay
>Assure her it's fine and I do this all the time, just open some windows because it's stir-fry and gets smoky sometimes
>Noodles aren't crisping too well
>Looks horrible
>Keep trying to cook it
>Ends up with half soggy noodles and half noodles with "crunchy" outsides but soft insides
>Chicken is unevenly cooked
>We try eating it a little
>We decide to throw it out and I just order us some take-out after digging around and finding a menu for a nearby place


Fucking embarrassing. I didn't get over the embarrassment until I went over to her house and she cooked for me and it was equally as bad, leading to us ordering Dominos. We were both part of an IRC group and when I told them about her cooking we forever got teased as the "shitty cook couple."

Too bad we never became a couple due to complications, despite us liking each other.

[Anonymous No.4344001]

>>4339066
Maybe he put peanut butter and jelly in the batter.

[Anonymous No.4344005]

>>4341520
The spaghetti overhangs the pot initially and is heated from the stove and catches fire. It's pretty easy to do if you just walk away and leave it. I've burnt spaghetti like that before.

[Anonymous No.4344211]

>baking cookies
>somehow mix up measurements for flour and butter
>comes out of the oven a fiery and buttery black hell
>it never came off the baking pan

[Anonymous No.4344246]

>>4338978
I hope that he's enjoying his horsemeat

[Anonymous No.4344288]

>>4341688
Why can't you just leave the ground beef in?

[Anonymous No.4344330]

>try to make pitas
>grocery store had no good lettuce, but hey this cabbage looks like it would do the job right?
>nope
>use cucumber instead
>buy re-fried beans expecting something smooth and tasty
>they're hard and bland
>the pitas I bought won't open up without splitting
>almost out of salsa
>end up just throwing all the ingredients into a bowl and mashing them up

It was kind of a beautiful disaster in the end.

[Anonymous No.4344331]

>>4344330
oh and I burned most of the bacon I was going to put in it, and almost got hit by sizzling grease.

[Anonymous No.4344340]

when i was about 12-13 i was home alone and wanted something to eat so i decided to make some fries. there no oil in the fryer so i grabbed the big jug out of the pantry. i tossed the fries in and went to watch tv, during the show i could smell something weird but i ignored it. i come to check after about 5 minutes and the fries are soggy.... tfw i put vinegar in the fryer instead of oil. the whole house smelled like vinegar for about 3 days and the fryer was ruined

[Anonymous No.4344436]

>try to make chocolate chip cookies following recipe on the back of yellow bag of brand name chocolate chips
>screw up one measurement and accidentally add double the amount of chocolate chips
>super worried, turns out okay, just extra chocolatey
>mmmm, double chocolate chip screwup cookies.

[Anonymous No.4344441]

>>4344330

I've had that happen with omlettes.
>be trying to make an omlette
>I fuck up the eggs, and it's basically now a scrambled eggs with bacon, sausage, onions, mushrooms
>throw it over some hashbrowns in a bowl

Tasted good, man

[Anonymous No.4344484]

>decide to make mashed potatoes
>have butter, garlic, milk, potatoes.
>Peel and boil potatoes.
>didn't boil them long enough
>drain and say *fuck it* I'm crock potting this
>can't mash em by hand easily
>use cutting pressy thing
>apply milk, butter, & garlic
>more like smashed potato construction paste full of hunks of undercooked potato
>didn't taste bad...but was a strange goo that cemented sides of crockpot

[Anonymous No.4344490]

>high as fuck
>small town
>nothing open to be delivered
>decide to make cookies with my friends
>think I am being a culinary genius
>forget eggs, sugar, and baking soda
>end up with a salt brick of chocolate chip horrificness
>eat it anyway
>get sick
>throw up
>pass out

[Anonymous No.4344507]

>be... 12 I think?
>want a nestle chocolate milkshake, that shit was always delicious
>no milk
>eh fine whatever how bad can it be
>use orange juice instead.

never again

[Anonymous No.4344532]

>6 years old, family poor as fuck
>hungry, mom's too fucking lazy to cook anything
>oh hey, I'll make a pizza, how hard could it be
>no pizza crust, acquire wonder bread
>no pizza sauce, acquire ketchup
>no mozzarella, acquire american sliced cheese
>fuck, how do I use oven
>nvm, stack it all up, microwave 2:00

It seemed good at the time, because I was six, but goddamn was it ever awful looking back on it.

Another:

>7 years old this time
>hmm, apple pie maybe
>no pie crust and too young/stupid to make one, so again acquire wonder bread, 2 slices this time
>no actual apples in the house, fuck, knockoff-brand applesauce will do
>tear crusts off bread, flatten with hands, top bottom slice with spoonful of applesauce, then top with second slice of flattened bread
>press edges down as best I could
>still can't use oven, microwave 1:30

That shit was oddly delicious.

CAPTCHA: iliptou remembering

[Anonymous No.4344538]

>>4344532
Holy shit, I did that first one when I was young for the same dman reason

[Anonymous No.4344543]

>>4340967

[Anonymous No.4344556]

>>4344538

[Anonymous No.4344617]

>>4344288
It'll get overcooked. You brown the meat to start, but then it needs to come out of the pan while you sweat the veggies or it'll just become dried up flavorless crusty unpleasantness. Once you've added enough liquid to make it "sauce", the meat goes back in and gets braised.

[Anonymous No.4344620]

>>4344436
I always add double the amount of chocolate chips anyway, for the reasons you state.

[Anonymous No.4344638]

>Making muffins
>Forget them for 4 hours (They're supposed to cook for 20 mins)
>Open the oven to find solid black rocks
>Drop kick them out into the backyard for shits and giggles
>My dog brings them all back in and crumbles them everywhere

[Anonymous No.4344673]

>>4341156
Some burns can be so bad they don't even hurt.

That's the only logical explanation I can think of.

[Anonymous No.4344681]

>>4344673
This.

Burns that bad will damage nerve endings -- which is incidentally how you know that the burn is really fucking bad and you need to get it looked at ASAP.

[Anonymous No.4344714]

>Sunday
>Making dinner for company, decide on tuna salad sandwiches and rice-a-roni
>Shit's Spanish rice so I have to brown it, orgot to get shit ready
>Freaking out, hurriedly grab a can of sauce out of the cupboard and can't find measuring cup, just estimate
>Pour in water and sauce, the sauce is actually a canned lasagna dinner
>Cook it, but forget to put a top on so it doesn't cook through
>Fuck it, I'll just let it sit and hope it finishes itself
>We eat it, it somehow turns out perfect

Raw talent is all it takes.

[Anonymous No.4344732]

Not mine, but I was there to witness/consume it:

>16 years old
>at apartment with dad's new girlfriend
>fat, Southern-accented white trash lady with three dark-skinned kids all from different fathers
>apartment smells like shit, mess everywhere
>her cat's litterbox is in the fucking kitchen
>IN THE KITCHEN
>dad's GF decides she wants to be fancy tonight and make baked salmon fillets for dinner
>5pm, puts the salmon fillets in with a few lemon slices and some Mrs. Dash
>wait
>wait
>wait around some more
>fucking hell I'm hungry, what's taking the salmon so long
>7pm, she calls out "dinnertime!"
>mfw the salmon has been baking for two goddamn hours, and she thought this was normal
>mfw shriveled up lemon slices over sawdust salmon
>mfw eating all this with some rice-a-roni in the kitchen/dinette
>next to the litterbox
>mfw I have no face

[perve No.4344788]

>>4338978
LOL, type of thing I'd do. I love simple miscommunications
>>4340988
AArgh. Made me wince :S I keep on leaving the heat on :/
>>4342893
LOL. Makes me feel like chocolate now. Also want pizza. MFW diet

Okay, my turn
>Be a goinky 15 (?) year old teenager
>Don't cook much
>Try to make mum a fry up for mothers day
> All the things invidivually I can cook
>SHITTYTIMING
> Undercooked bacon, burnt scrabbled egg.
> Mum thought it was terrible. We laughed about it. At least the other things

[Anonymous No.4344900]

I've never fucked up too badly cooking, except for "fish" (cut up Gordon's fish sticks) and scrambled eggs, which was vile, though:
>be little kid
>staying at grandpa's house
>want to make toast
>put bread in toaster

All was well, except
>toaster is ancient; probably holdover from the 70s
>leave kitchen
>come back few minutes later
>smells fumy
>oh well, I like burnt toast anyway I think to my foolish self
>walk out again
>smell the burning bread from outside the kitchen
>walk in

Flames. From the bread.

[Anonymous No.4344912]

>>4343054
I laughed for a good full minute.
Thank you anon.

[Anonymous No.4344922]

once tried to substitute bubba burger patties for ground beef in spaghetti. fucking. repulsive.

[Anonymous No.4345063]

>often cook while high for friends
>keep it to simple frying things with just enough heat to fry so only retards could burn it
>usually make interesting empanadas (peanut butter in jelly/bananas being weirdest), fried chicken, hot wings, fried pickles, etc
>friends all want eggs and bacon for some reason
>fry bacon fine
>most want over easy eggs
>usually great at flipping those, never mess it up
>while high cannot fucking do it
>first egg fucks up
>second egg fucks up
>friends telling me to just scramble them
>no I will fucking do this
>fuck up like 9 eggs this way
>finally get some right and am content
>wake up next day with little oil burns all along my hands and one egg left

I'm normally so good at eggs. I just didn't get it. Don't fry eggs while high now.

[Anonymous No.4345203]

>>4338834
Pasta and soup is alright though.. like minestroni

[Anonymous No.4345265]

>>4341386
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFDQolLGhfg

[Anonymous No.4346580]

>>4344912
It's from a youtube channel, how to basic or something. You should watch him making salmon

[Anonymous No.4346618]

>>4342893
But... you're supposed to put it in water. Well when you do it on the stove, anyway.

[Anonymous No.4346626]

>>4344005
There shouldn't be any overhang unless you put the pasta in before boiling the water. Which you're not supposed to do.

[Anonymous No.4346662]

>>4345063
I always do this, fuck my two first eggs up and then the third one is perfect
I think its because i try to cook the first two at the same time and they just fuck up

[Anonymous No.4346679]

>have a friend over and cooking dinner
>known as "that cooking guy" of the group
>decide to try a new method of doing a "Cajin" style crumbed chicken
>recently back from a trip to USA (Aussy) i brought back some cajin season all haven't used it since i got back this seamed like a good time to try it out.
>Read a recipe says to use a coating ratio of (1/2 polenta and 1/2 cajin seasoning+ salt)
> i omited the salt as i know the seasonall has salt in it
>Give it a shot, egg chicken then put it into the seasoning
>cooking it looks nice and golden on out side
>grab a little bit to taste after it finished.
>OH god the Salt, so fucking salty
>spend next couple of min scraping of the polenta/Salted death on the chicken.
>have to drown the chicken in natty yoghurt to be able to consume it
>"Shamfrul Dispray"
>moral of the story never use Season All as a opposed to seasoning

[Anonymous No.4346692]

>>4346679

I bet you bought "Creole" seasoning. A little goes a long way. Acceotable brands are zatarans or tony cachere's..

You wanted blackening seasoning I bet. No salt added. Also make your own and forget the store bought stuff. It is easy.

[Anonymous No.4346703]

>>4344532
We actually had a McDonalds-branded contraption that made "Apple Pies" exactly like that. Shit was so cash, especially with a bunch of cinnamon sugar on top.

Pic related,

[Anonymous No.4346714]

http://www.recipegirl.com/2011/03/01/cinnamon-roll-pancakes/
This morning 5 minutes ago I tried to make these.

The pancakes came out find but I have no idea how to make the glaze.

Do I melt the butter first? Halp /ck/

[Anonymous No.4346720]

>>4346714
Did you scroll down?
>Prepare the glaze: In a small pan, heat the butter over low heat until melted. Turn off the heat and whisk in the cream cheese until it is almost smooth. Sift the powdered sugar into the pan, stir and add in vanilla extract. Set the pan aside while you make the pancakes.

[Anonymous No.4346725]

>>4346720
Shit I meant the filling, not the glaze

And I read the instructions, but I didnt know if I was supposed to melt the butter or not

[Anonymous No.4346726]

>>4346725
Yes. The ingredients list tells you to melt the butter for the filling.

[Anonymous No.4346729]

>>4346726
Well fuck me.

Oh well there's always tomorrow

[Anonymous No.4346790]

Once when I was a super fucking irritating weeaboo in middle school, I tried to make okonomiyaki without a recipe by combining flour, frozen vegetables, and water in a frying pan, just based on how that shit looks.
It was nasty, like cold veggies in flour paste. My mother tried to make me eat it...

[Anonymous No.4346845]

>>4346703
I remember that, it was terrible.

They also had one that made "french fries" our of a slice of wonderbread.

[Anonymous No.4348641]

>>4341655
At my university everybody had to take 2 personal fitness & wellness classes.

[Anonymous No.4348648]

>>4346618
You never put chocolate in water dumbass, you use a double boiler if you're using the stove. If you get water in melted chocolate it's ruined.

[Anonymous No.4348673]

>be me, 12, visiting cousins
>want to show off to them
>maybe they will think im cool
>I can cook normal things like pasta
>never cooked eggs in my life
>I decide to "scramble" my eggs
>drop egg in preheated butterpan
>scramble it with spatula
>need some spices
>cover it in salt, bay seasoning, and tony chachere's creole seasoning
>dont taste it
>smother it in blueberry tequilla
>smile and eat
>pretend to be a boss for cooking with alcohol
>the alcohol was still cold in my eggs

I was dumb.

[Anonymous No.4348717]

>>4348673

Blueberry tequila is a thing?

[Anonymous No.4348734]

>>4348648
Well fuck me. That's how they had us do it in hospitality class in high school.

[Anonymous No.4348821]

>>4348717
Not that guy, but yeah, it is.
I actually just got back from Tequila, this one place has all types of flavored ones. Pomegranate and blueberry taste like viscous alcohol syrup, tamarindo was actually pretty good.