/ck/ - Food & Cooking

[Anonymous No.4079851]

/ck/,

I have a sneaking suspicion that my pervert slob of a roommate is stuffing my cucumbers in his ass at night and then putting them back in the fridge when he's done. My question is: Is there a way to test for fecal matter on produce? I don't particularly feel like smelling or tasting them to find out.

I read on a website that if you sprinkle some baking soda onto a fecally-tainted piece of produce, it will react with the wax and poop and begin to foam. Sounds like an urban legend to me.

[Anonymous No.4079855]

Feed therm to him and see if he eats it.

[Anonymous No.4079854]

what the shit rofl

[Anonymous No.4079856]

>>4079851
Give your roomate a blowjob late at night when he is sleeping.
If his cock tasted like poo he is gay.

[Anonymous No.4079853]

Just peel it, stop being so uptight.

[Anonymous No.4079857]

rub it down with some wasabi and wait.

in the mean time enjoy practicing your blowjob skillz with shit covered cucumber

[Sceak !!LciZj2frsW6 No.4079858]

You can swab and culture the sample but most things are contaminated.

You can also just wash your cucumbers with dish soap. I think there's even some that's melon-scented but I usually use antibacterial.

[Anonymous No.4079859]

>>4079851

Just set up a camera and film it.

[Anonymous No.4079860]

I used to have a couple of ugly roommates who would use my mineral oil (which I used for the butcher block) as sex lube. I was pretty grossed out but I figured I'd just let it go, since I almost never used the stuff.

That escalated of course, and they started using my extra virgin olive oil as sex lube. I started locking my stuff in my room after that.

Roommates are fucking horrible. Never again.

[Anonymous No.4079898]

>>4079860
Wtf man lube isn't that expensive is it?
Surely olive oil is a terrible idea

[Anonymous No.4079904]

>>4079860
>olive oil lube

Dude, what the flying fuck.

[Anonymous No.4079910]

>>4079898
Lube can be pretty expensive, especially silicon-based stuff that is good for anal sex.

[Anonymous No.4079945]

>>4079904
no, see, you've got it wrong.

the thing you should be incredulous about is the use of his expensive extra virgin olive oil without asking, not that they used olive oil.

like, what the hell do you think people used before fucking astroglide?

[Anonymous No.4079948]

>>4079857

This sounds good, but the smell of wasabi would give it away, instead get yourself some scotch bonnet (habanero) peppers slice those in half and rub them on the skin.

The only way to tell is either by smell, if he didn't wash it or to grow a culture of bacteria after swabbing the cucumbers, then identify the bacteria that grow. However this requires access to a basic biology lab.

Hmm I was thinking you could wash the cucumbers in distilled water (need distilled as chlorine could kill the bacteria present on the cucumber), in a bowl you don't need/like, then take that washing water and put it into a water test bottle. Make sure you wash you hands really well before doing this, use latex gloves if you have them, because you don't want to contaminate your sample water with the bacteria on your hands. You can get these water test bottles from your local municipality for testing well water. They test for coliform and e. coli bacteria. E. coli should be present if it was in an ass. Anyways write down a rural address of a friend and take the water in to be tested. If you did this with the water you washed the cucumber in they should be able to tell you if there is E. coli present. If there is there then maybe your roommate is guilty. You also need to keep your sample water refrigerated until you bring in into the lab to be tested. The reason you need a rural address is that they won't test water that is city water for obvious reasons.

What do you people think of the water testing method for finding E. coli??? I think it could work.

[Anonymous No.4079956]

>>4079904
going straight ancient greek/roman.

[Anonymous No.4079963]

Infect your roommate with pinworms or tapeworm, w/e, and then swab the cucumber skins and check with a standard microscope for worm eggs.

[Anonymous No.4079978]

>>4079963
Oh god now! then OP swabs them, and just by sheer luck misses all the eggs. OP then eats the cucumber and then infects themselves with the cyst stage of a tapeworm, and ends up with worm cysts in her brain and all over her body in her muslces. BAD IDEA :O!!!!!!!!

[Anonymous No.4079981]

>>4079978

>Oh god now!

edit: Oh god no!

[Anonymous No.4079986]

>>4079978

That's just pork tapeworms, brah. Chillax. But, OK, Don't do pork tapeworms if you're planning on eating the fecal cucumbers.

[Anonymous No.4079989]

>>4079963
YES.


OR: put the damn cucumbers in a plastic bag and tie it with an unconventional knot. Make it super tight.

If the bag suddenly grows a hole or ties itself with a new knot, there you go.

[Anonymous No.4079994]

>>4079989
I would just pretend the bag is condom and still use it with cucumber. Just wipe it after.

>ask a girl who's had a FUCK ANY PENIS-LIKE OBJECT phase

[Anonymous No.4080000]

>>4079994

Bedpost? ever?

[Anonymous No.4080021]

>>4080000
My bed has no posts ;__;

I tried doing ramune bottles but the special finger place made it hurt, so I just turned the bottle around and fucked it bottom up.

[Anonymous No.4080022]

>>4080000
dat bedpost get!

[Anonymous No.4080023]

>>4079994

List them, please.

[Anonymous No.4080031]

>>4080023
Too many to list, but I've been trying to get my hands on these bottles (not the jug).

[Anonymous No.4080032]

>>4079994
>>4080000
>>4080021
>>4080022
>>4080023
Stahp ,this is not my masturbating time.

[Anonymous No.4080033]

>that feeling! >>4080000

yes finally! only took 5 years!

[Anonymous No.4080037]

>>4080021

pic related?

[Anonymous No.4080040]

>>4080037
Nah, I worry about them breaking apart and getting stuck inside. Same with carrots. Bottles are always the better bet, but gotta watch out for sharp edges on unfinished plastic.

[Anonymous No.4080041]

>>4079994
Hahaha, I remember that phase. Hit me kind of late in life, I was using everything from large highlighters to thermoses.

[Anonymous No.4080042]

>>4080040
Dont put anything to big in there anon cause what if you meat a smaller penis sized guy? You dont want to stretch all out anon.

[Anonymous No.4080045]

>>4080033
but memory foam doesn't squeak

[Anonymous No.4080050]

>>4080021
How can one tell if someone is experiencing this phase?

I like turtles!

[Anonymous No.4080051]

>>4080041
Thermos?! Wow... yeah, the feeling of cold metal is great.

>>4080042
It recovers quickly, don't worry. One day I had a can of coke inside, and the next day was my boyfriend's penis with only 2/3 of the can's diameter.

[Anonymous No.4080053]

>>4080045
This although it could be type of memory foam topper.

[Anonymous No.4080054]

>>4080045
The bed frame might......

[Anonymous No.4080056]

>>4080050
Uhhh if she's... 8-13 years old?

captcha: very safedes(u)

[Anonymous No.4080058]

lookslikeitstimetooilup.jpg

[Anonymous No.4080064]

>>4080058
I don't like cleaning up after oil. If water doesn't do the trick, I deemed it too big.

[Anonymous No.4080071]

>>4080056

I was hoping you would say single women who tend to buy lots of cucumbers and zucchinis at the grocery store.

toomuchinfo.jpg

[Anonymous No.4080077]

>>4080051
I used the ones with the plastic covering.

[Anonymous No.4080080]

>>4080077
>ideas!!

>>4080071
Yes, that too, and when my boyfriend has to leave before finishing inside.

<-- It's just not the same.

[Anonymous No.4080104]

>>4079994
>>4080021
>>4080031
>>4080040
>>4080041
Please refrain from mentioning your sex and/or gender while visiting /ck/. Although you may not be aware of this (although I think you are), many people posting on 4chan are not in an intimate relationship.

Therefore, referring to your femininity can be highly offensive to others, as they visit /ck/ to have fun and intellectual discourse, not to be reminded of their shortcomings (as perceived by society).

I hope you remember this in the future and refrain from using any key words that can be used as gender identifiers. It really is not that much to ask and will prevent threads from degenerating into flame/troll disasters.

Some of us also choose to be single and our virginity is not a badge of shame. The inherent superficial and highly opportunistic behavior of women is not attractive to every male, and therefore we do not have to be constantly reminded of your kind while on /ck/. It is not necessary and can be considered, "attention whoring" (a very just term).

Thank you very much,

- /ck/

[Anonymous No.4080116]

>>4080104

translation:
i'm a man who has never had any sexual attention paid to me and am masking my shame at this by pretending to be speaking for the majority of this board's users. I am then following it up with the obligatory "not a badge of shame" part to make myself feel better.

don't speak for /ck/, asshat. While I agree the sexual posts shouldn't be on a worksafe board, telling people to avoid gender identifiers is you being a whiny little bitch.

[Anonymous No.4080118]

>>4080104

When did this become copypasta?

I hate you.

[Anonymous No.4080117]

>>4080104
Isn't this a pasta? Not sure where it originated, but I've seen it used on other boards.

[Anonymous No.4080128]

Requesting someone post the sexual Mario Batali & Alton Brown copypasta. I feel this thread needs it.

[Anonymous No.4080133]

>>4080116
So I've never had physical contact with a woman, who fucking cares? I come on /ck/ to socialize and look at food porn, not be forced to face my socially-dictated "inadequacies" by some stupid cumdumpster attentionwhore.

Wow, I haven't had a gf yet I lead a fairly productive live. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE. I may not be happy 50% of the time and I may be on anti-depressants, but I'm doing pretty fucking good considering the situation. I was born into a family rife with mental illness, my father divorced and left us for his perfect little family, I weight 320 lbs mostly due to my meds, I couldn't finish college, and I don't have many friends.

So what. I manage to force myself out of bed most mornings, work, and have my own condo. It may seem like a pittance to selfish cunts like you but it takes twice the amount of energy to maintain what I have than it would take the average person. Not everyone can be rich and famous and have hundreds of "lovers".

Some of us were dealt a shit hand but we are still trying to be in the game and keep it going. I've thought of suicide at least 1,000 times but I'm still trying and it is hard but at least I'm giving life my best and not rubbing my luck or misfortune in others faces like you you fucking fag fuck.

[Anonymous No.4080178]

>>4080133
Is this pasta?

[Anonymous No.4080188]

>>4080104
>this pasta
>those replies
everytime

[Anonymous No.4080189]

>>4079948
im not going to pretend that a professor would let OP have access to their lab just to see if they are eating ass cucumbers

just buy your roommate a butt plug and a dragon dildo

[Anonymous No.4080190]

>>4080188
It's not funny. We were having a great thread about girls voluntarily shoving mag lights and broom handles up their junk.

[Anonymous No.4080192]

>>4080128
what? why do i not remember this one?
i need to lurk more often

[Anonymous No.4080237]

>>4079910
I discovered sorbolene cream is really good for anal. Better than any proper lube I've used.

[Anonymous No.4080246]

>>4080192
It was from around 2008 iirc. Only saw it posted a handful of times.

[Anonymous No.4081457]

This is a hilarious thread.

[Anonymous No.4081474]

>>4080104
excellent pasta would read again

[Anonymous No.4083950]

I lol'd.

[Anonymous No.4084039]

>>4081474
>excellent pasta would eat again

Fix'd

[Anonymous No.4086653]

Do they smell like lubricant?