/ck/ - Food & Cooking

[Anonymous No.3838142]

/ck/, due to circumstances beyond my control, I'm temporarily living with my Aunt. The first day I moved in, she was thawing chicken in lukewarm water in the kitchen sink. She had been picking us up from the airport for the last half an hour, but it looked as if the chicken had been there longer than that, even.

I knew I was in trouble.

We've been cooking as much as we can, but I'm still always nervous of how long food has sat out on the counter before she put it away, and we don't have the funds to go out and buy all of our own food (although we're supplementing when we can, for sure). For reverence, she has a basket full of moldy onions and I've looked in her fridge before and seen two gallons of spoiled milk (this was the first week we moved in; we don't let good milk spoil like that).

She's also a pretty terrible cook. Today, she made corned beef and cabbage. Normally, one of my favorite meals. But she has managed to cook it for so long in so much water that her corned beef has turned into a flavorless roast, and the vegetables are so bland I can't stand it. On top of that, she was content to leave it out all night. Although I was tempted to let it go to waste because it's nearly inedible, I have gone ahead and put it in the fridge for her.

ITT: Family cooking horror stories. I have a little bit more from my other family members, though my mother is an amazing cook and cooked most of the meals when I was growing up, so I don't have many.

[Anonymous No.3838151]

>On top of that, she was content to leave it out all night

shit, my family would leave a pot of chili out for several days in a row.
no fucks given, never got sick from it either.

[Anonymous No.3838152]

My dad isn't a terrible cook, though...

>Mom is gone for a few weeks visiting family across country.
>Dad is cooking for us.
>We have fried sausage and potatoes almost every night.
>Still have trouble eating this delicious combination because eating anything for two weeks straight will make you sick of it.

I had moved out by this time, but it also seems as though he started getting... experimental after my mom left him for good. My brothers were living with him, though, and he'd do stuff like make Hamburger helper and add peas to the boxed mix... Or adding chickpeas to a taco that was otherwise your standard ground beef, cheddar, and veggies mix.

[Anonymous No.3838159]

>>3838151
My husband's gotten food sick before, and suggests to me that we should do anything we can to avoid it, as it sucks balls. I'd rather air on the side of caution.

Anyways, my brothers are both neckbeards, and they don't do much in the way of cooking. My older brother's most creative moments involve putting a slice of american cheese on top of fresh pizza roles, then smothering the entire thing in a bath of Tabasco sauce.

Younger brother has potential to cook good food, but is too busy being a neckbeard to give a fuck most of the time.

I'm baking fresh bread right now. Feelsgoodman.jpg

[Brown the FBI Agent No.3838244]

>>3838142
None of the male members of my extended family like cooking, I'm the token guy in the kitchen.
All the females are great home cooks.

Which brings me to my dad, trying to stir-fry string beans. We thought he put in black bean paste into it to give it some flavor, turns out he just left it there and forgot about it and the bottom got burnt, so he just scraped it up and served it to us anyway.

[Anonymous No.3838253]

>>3838159
>air on the side of caution.

[Anonymous No.3838257]

>>3838159
>air on the side of caution

[Anonymous No.3838260]

About 2/3rds of the meals cooked by my mother throughout my childhood consisted of shredded boiled chicken breast, microwaved broccoli, and pasta with sour cream, Kraft parmesan cheese, and black pepper. So needless to say, I learned to cook for myself early.

[Anonymous No.3838261]

>>3838257
>>3838253
He's just a diamond dozen cook in this doggy dog world, slice him sumslack and say la vee.

[Anonymous No.3838262]

not anyone in my family, but my roommate is a god awful cook and a general idiot about household tasks. Today I came home to him mopping the floor with a bucket of soap and water. The whole floor was a soapy, slippery mess. Last week he cooked THIN chicken cutlets on the grill while i cooked italian sausages. His cutlets were less than an inch thick. He left them on for so long, that at 40 minutes i told him they were probably done. He said they needed a few more minutes...

Also, he put no spices on the chicken. Not even salt or pepper. Just dry, burnt cutlets.

[Anonymous No.3838269]

>Girlfriend offers to cook for me
>Chicken and "an amazing Spanish mashed potato", excellent!
>Chicken breast straight from freezer to oven
>Mashed potato is Spanish packeted shit that her mum sent her
>Adds so much salt
>Chicken is ready, burnt on outside, raw on inside
>Puts in microwave to cook through
>Eat anyway due to starving and don't want to offend
>Destroyed chicken and almost inedibly salty fake potato slop

I'm so lucky I didn't die. I've always cooked for us since then.

[Anonymous No.3838279]

sister making Canadian cheese soup
smells awesome!
taste a spoonful
molten ball of salt with a hint of cheese flavour.
holy fuck what it's saltier than the ocean wtf did you do?
swears she followed recipe flawlessly.
read recipe.
1 cup vegetable stock.

>MFW she thought it meant stock powder, not liquid stock.

[Anonymous No.3838292]

>>3838279
>cup of stock powder

JESUS CHRIST

[Anonymous No.3838320]

I accidentaly 2 cans of number spaghettios with some velveeta offbrand shells and it was actually alright. My boyfriend hated it somehow, calling it ruined velveeta. But how can you possibly ruin velveeta? It's slightly smoother cheese whiz. The normal punch of the chef boyardee tomato sauce kicked the velveeta in the balls, back down to an appropreate level of cheesyness.

Though I'll never forget that one time my cousin vomited up a steak because it was too chewy. And now my uncle can't go without burning any piece of meat on the grill. I've asked to cook on the grill from now on after the bacon wad burnt off of the sirloin rounds.

[Anonymous No.3838322]

I've thawed chicken before by just leaving it out in the kitchen (sometimes all day)....I never got sick. Now I usually thaw it under running water but still, I can't help think most food safety advice is overkill. I've also ate things like chili that I've forgotten to put in the fridge overnight. I usually follow my nose.

[Anonymous No.3838343]

>>3838151
meat's already cooked, acidity of sauce doesn't support bacteria growth, prolly ok. but why?

>>3838269
1. Find boyfriend who can cook.
2. Offer to cook for him early on in relationship.
3. Serve up totally inedible mess.
>I've always cooked for us since then.
4. Profit!

Related:
>Sick as a dog, flu or some such.
>gf offers to make me some tea, i say 'wonderful'
>she goes downstairs, comes back up and chats
>fifteen minutes later, upstairs is full of acrid metallic smoke from molten aluminum
>literally COULD NOT BOIL WATER

[Anonymous No.3838345]

>>3838343
First thing that came to mind reading your greentext.

[Anonymous No.3838347]

>>3838343
how can you not boil water? i mean how is that even a thing?

[pug !Seared4Qro No.3838366]

>>3838347

By being forgetful? It really has nothing to do with cooking skill. She forgot about the pot of water on the stove and bad things happened.

[Anonymous No.3838446]

I don't have anything particularly horrifying, though there are some things my mother does that bother the shit out of me. Normally an amazing cook, she somehow undercooks every grain of rice she ever makes. She also makes the greatest meatloaf I've ever tasted, and then covers it in this disgusting sweet BBQ sauce. Shame.

[Anonymous No.3839209]

>mom can't cook ANYTHING growing up
>people secretly leave the home before or after meals to actually eat the real meal

>cooks chicken breasts in the oven in a rectangular baking dish with 1/8" inch water at bottom

no seasoning

and people wonder why i grew up being obese from eating fast food down the street

[Anonymous No.3839271]

My flatmate in university came into the kitchen to make dinner while I was watching tv, after a while I smelled burning, asked her what she was doing.
"Cooking pasta"
She had pasta in the pan with the heat on and NO WATER.

[Anonymous No.3839281]

>>3839209

because you are weak willed and ungrateful and no one wanted to play with you outside

[Anonymous No.3839322]

>>3839209
>>3839271
I just don't understand stuff like this. I'm nowhere near an amazing cook. My bf and I make rice-a-roni regularly to go with our bbq chicken, but I can still make stuff from scratch, liked baked mac and cheese, homemade chicken tortilla soup, etc. and it's pretty good!

I just don't understand shit like this! Following recipes is so easy! HOW DO YOU FORGET TO ADD WATER! >:(

[Anonymous No.3840146]

>making lunch for me and a friend.
>decide on BLT's and onion rings.
>friend doesn't know how to cook but asks to help.
>task her with slicing the onions.
>go back to cooking bacon.
>hear friend grumbling to herself but think nothing of it.
>finish cooking bacon; go check on friend.
>find onion mangled.
>ask friend what the fuck happened.
>"you're knife sucks! it was so dull."
>confused as fuck as the knife is brand new.
>make her show me how she sliced the onion.
>mfw she uses the dull side of the knife.
>how the fuck did she not notice she was using the wrong edge?

[Anonymous No.3840165]

My mother is proud of this story...

>Constantly burning things and gets annoyed with the fire alarm
>Pulls out batteries from the fire alarm
>Few days later recooking cabbage rolls from the freezer
>Puts them on the stove on high heat
>Falls asleep on the couch
>Wakes up to whole house covered in thick black smoke
>No alarm cause no batteries
>Middle of summer, absolutely no wind, house smells like smoke for weeks

Fucking almost burned the house down just reheating things from the freezer. And the number of times my parents burned tea kettles because they forgot. I'm not even going to comment on their cooking skills, I learned how to cook because I couldn't eat their food any more.

[Anonymous No.3840194]

>first time I see roommate start to cook, don't think anything of it
>finds the SMALLEST pot I've ever seen
>proceeds to fill pot 3/4 with rice
>splash of water to fill in the gaps
>burner on high
>keeps cooking til rice is burned on all sides with only a few spoonfuls "done"
>scrapes out burned rice and does this EVERY time he wants rice
>mfw

[Anonymous No.3840208]

Why is your husband, yourself, AND your brothers living with your Aunt?

WUUUUT.jpg

Also I let my chicken set out to thaw for 4 hours or some before cooking it. Never get sick. However, if this is gross/narsty, I don't mind being checked on it. It's just that I've tried the fridge method before and the chicken is still frozen. And, I've been iffy about using my roommate's microwave's defrost setting.

[Anonymous No.3840212]

I suppose this is somewhat related, it is kind of cooking.
>roommate and I making jello shots for a party.
>first batch is raspberry or something, they turn out fine.
>last batch is pink and strangely thick
>anon wtf this is the PUDDING jello mix!
>so umm can we make pudding shots?
That wasn't going to work so we added like some heavy whipping cream and more vodka.
>end up bringing a tall cup of "surprise pudding alcohol drink" to party anyway, hey I kinda liked it.
>somebody I don't know to this day drank like half of it at the party.
>everythingturnedoutbetterthanexpected.jpg

[Anonymous No.3840216]

HOW would you even be able to cut something and not your hand by trying to use the wrong end of a knife...

[Anonymous No.3840221]

>roommate says he's going to make a roast
>imokwiththis.jpg
>puts giant roast in slow cooker, one potato, few baby carrots, water, NO seasoning
>slow cooks all day, manages to somehow get the roast tough, completely tasteless
>I try one fork full and give him a fake MM MMM
>say how I'm not hungry
>works on finishing it for days with just ketchup, starts to get putrid in the fridge

terrible cook

[Anonymous No.3840227]

>>3840194
>>3840221
same roommate btw

>roommate on low carb diet bullshit
>guffaws at how much sugar is in nutella
>decides he can make his own without sugar
>buys peanut butter
>buys cocoa powder
>mixes
>thinks it's amazing
>obviously not even close, the most awful bitter shit I've had in a while

[Anonymous No.3840242]

Do you realize that stores leave meat sit out for days at slightly below room temp?

[Anonymous No.3840254]

This is why I rarely come here. So much food snobbery, rather than be thankful you have food whatsoever and that other people do it for you, you complain about your sensitive tastebuds and how they don't do things you like.

Goddamn entitlement. Go eat at McDonalds if you're scared of your aunt poisoning you

[Anonymous No.3840269]

>>3840194
>>3840165
>>3840146
>>3838279

what the fucking shit


Here's a story for you

>friend is hosting a barbecue at his dorm
>other friend is supplying the food

I came hungry and then I come out to find this

>turkey burger patties
>a whole tomato
>a whole red onion
>a whole cabbage
all sitting on the table

So then I ask this guy:

"I don't suppose you're going to cut those are you?"
and he replies

>yeah dude I'm gonna do it right now
>WASHES EVERYTHING IN A BOWL OF STILL WATER THAT GOT PROGRESSIVELY FILTHIER
>USES A STEAK KNIFE
>CUTS EVERYTHING ON A STYROFOAM PLATE
>cuts open the onion to reveal a mushy rotten core
>and then IMMEDIATELY SHOVES THE ROTTEN CORE INTO HIS MOUTH
>cuts off the stem of the tomato
>and then IMMEDIATELY SHOVES IT INTO HIS MOUTH
>proceeds to mash the tomato to a bloody pulp asking "i didn't know tomato skin could be so tough"

all the while washing and dipping his hands and the food into this bowl of still water. I shit you not by the time he was done the bowl had gone from see through to the transparency of milk.

It is the one time I have ever gotten physically sick from watching someone cook.

[Anonymous No.3840270]

>Go to Chinese restaurant.
> Bring leftovers home
>2 day's later, remember the food in bag
>YOLO.
>Didn't die

betterthenexpected.jpg

[Anonymous No.3840272]

>>3840254
>no stop it stop posting your Food & Cooking related opinions on the Food & Cooking board i dont like it

[Anonymous No.3840315]

>old chicken breast in fridge
>smells
>wash it
>still smells
>bathe in seasoning, bake
>eat

Man up you pussies

[Anonymous No.3840417]

>>3840272

the reason this forum is so shit is because people come in here not to talk constructively about cooking, but to recount unremarkable anecdotes about other people's failures and discuss packaged products and fast food.

[Anonymous No.3840436]

>go to dad's house
>dad buys prime ribeye from butcher, $20 steak
>absolutely covers it in dry rub
>chars it on the grill, medium-well - welldone
>eats with copious A1 sauce

My dad's family has no tradition in food; we order out for every holiday meal.

[Anonymous No.3840486]

>Parents away for weekend
>Brother and I home
>I cooked yesterday
>"I'll cook", he says, "do you want a pizza?"
>I say yes, and he gets to it.

His recipe:
Self-Raising flour, water, milk.
>mfw he puts cheese, ham and pineapple on a 40cm scone

[Anonymous No.3840499]

>>3840146
Same friend told me about the time she and her brother made spaghetti for their parents. She used my sauce recipe; that came out fine. The noodles? She and her brother nearly burned their house down. They just chucked the spaghetti into a too small pot and didn't bother to stir it in properly.

Their parents are excellent cooks...I don't know how they raised two helpless idiots in the kitchen.

[Anonymous No.3840922]

>living with my aunt
Are you will smith?

[Anonymous No.3840933]

Once my mom was too sick to make me breakfast, so my dad had to. The horrors, he made me eggs which where halfraw. Absolutely disgusting, and I told him :"ill never eat anything you eat again". He was happy; less work for him. Perhaps that was his plan all along?

[Anonymous No.3840941]

>>3840165
> I learned how to cook because I couldn't eat their food any more.
Reminds me of a childhood friend whos mom was so terrible at making food (tasted like shit, was cold when served). I was frightened everytime I was asked to join the dinnertable while visiting.
Her kids are really skinny, probably because of her nonexistant cooking skills.

[Fuck this gay earth No.3840979]

My mom should not be allowed to cook. I have just attempted to eat the worst spaghetti in my life.
Mince cooked into a single landmass,
Whole cloves of garlic
chopped carrots and a jar of standard spaghetti sauce thrown on
simmer and some diced lamb with plenty of fat for gristle.
Cumin and black pepper to taste.
Due to her fear of high cholestorol, NO SALT.
Stew into a thin awful mess for fifteen minutes or so.
Oh, and she has no sense of portioning and never eats leftovers, so I have enough for another two days of leftovers.
WHY
What a fucking waste.
Oh I almost forgot, two whole tomatoes just, tossed in there. Whole.

[Anonymous No.3840983]

>>3840212
Hick bar across the street from where I work makes the most insanely good pudding shots I've ever had

>banana creme pie
>banana split
>cinnamon cheesecake


I actually have the recipe for her chocolate peanut butter shots

>pack of instant chocolate pudding (calls for 2 cups milk)
>1 1/4 cup whole milk
>3/4 cup chocolate whipped cream vodka
>few big spoonfuls of peanut butter
>whisk like hell, pour into cups
>once set, eat with big ass pretzel sticks

The secret is keeping them in the freezer so that they stay pudding consistency, but when you add the peanut butter it gets so super thick and creamy, it could be Haagen-Daz


getting hammered never tasted so good

[Anonymous No.3841045]

>>3840146
This isn't about being a bad cook. This person is a genuine fucking retard for not being able to use a goddamn knife.

>>3840979
That doesn't look appetizing at all.

[Anonymous No.3841048]

>>3840979
>Due to her fear of high cholestorol, NO SALT.
Wait, what?

[Anonymous No.3841055]

> boyfriend's mothers bday...
> I dont like her very much
> he buys 40 bucks of groceries for me to cook
> realize we have to cook for myself, her, his brother whos a freeloader...
>realize we must cook for the moms sister whos a trashy nasty 50 year old
>50 has a one year old baby...yuck
....
> spend 2 hours slaving away on a sauce
> make divine garlic bread with basil, toms, mozerral and olive oil.
> come dinner time they dont touch the garlic bread
>eat ALL THE MEATBALLS
> and chew and spit out food to give to the baby at the dinner table.

I am disgusted beyond all belief.....no one said thank you.

[Anonymous No.3843361]

>>3840208
Because my dad is living with her husband's family in the house next door, and we've come up to spend time with him before he dies. Thanks.

My husband can't seem to manage to cook rice, though he's good at cooking pretty much everything else, so I'll forgive him. But he'll either under or overcook it pretty much every time. Me? I slap it in the pot and just put it on medium heat, covered, for twenty minutes. Perfect every time.

Some of these stories make me feel better about my situation.

[Anonymous No.3843381]

>>3840979
Sounds almost like my parents' cooking, that's why I taught myself to cook when I was 14. Except instead of adding spices they'd just douse emeril essence into everything. All meat was overcooked beyond belief.

[Anonymous No.3844101]

My dad is a fairly decent cook, but let me tell you about the HORROR of the PEANUT BUTTER OMLETE.

... it was an omlette... made with peanut butter. Because my parents just moved into their new place (well before i was born) and that's all they had. Peanut butter and eggs.

Needless to say, they try not to talk about it.

[Anonymous No.3844116]

>>3841055
That's pretty trashy

[Anonymous No.3844129]

>>3841055
Run. Run now. Run far.