/ck/ - Food & Cooking

[Anonymous No.20107]

Okay, so this is happening...

A few months ago, I emailed the Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives people with this sincere message about how my wife and I have visited a ton of the restaurants featured on the show, and how we can't get enough of Guy "The Culinary Bad Boy" Fieri, with his bold flavors and catchphrases like "Welcome to Flavortown!" and "Winner, winner, chicken dinner." Essentially, the biggest, knob-slobbingest email you'd ever want to read. The kind of thing that'd be right up Guy's alley. I finished with a request that, the next time they're in my area (Louisville, KY), it would mean the world to my wife and I if he'd meet up with a pair of superfans.

I essentially forgot about the email, figured it had gotten washed away by how many they've got to be receiving on a daily basis. But last night I received an email from the production company. They'd mentioned how much Guy loved our enthusiasm, and how much he loves meeting people that have been to a lot of the places he's visited. They gave a date that he was going to be filming in Louisville here in a few months, and said that he'd like us to be his guests and hang out/eat during the filming. Sounds great, right?

Here's the deal, though. When he goes in for the inevitable bro-hug or douche-shake, I'm just... I'm gonna fucking punch him. It's been a dream of mine for years to just lay out this smug, fat-faced caricature of a human, and it's going to finally come to fruition. I'm going to lay him out, knock those stupid fucking sunglasses off of his stupid fucking head, then I'm going to stand over his limp body and shout "Welcome to Flavortown, bitch!"

I'm so fucking erect for this, guys...

[Mr. Jinks !//AChEron. No.20108]

>>20107
Welcome to Lawsuits, bitch.

[Anonymous No.20109]

>>20108
I don't give one, teeny tiny fuck. I'm not what you'd call a pillar of the community, or anyone that really contributes to the greater good. I don't have a lot going for me, but this is too good of an opportunity to pass up. I've been to jail before. It's not that bad. The small amount of time I'm going to spend in there for doing this is completely worth it.

[Anonymous No.20110]

>>20108
>>20109

Plus my wife has instructions to set up a Go Fund Me afterwards. You really don't think people out there are willing to pay to help me out after I level that self-serving asshole?

[Anonymous No.20111]

>>20110
Ignore that guy.

This is a brilliant idea, and yes, people will give you a fucking ton of money for doing this.

Just make sure bourdain gets a whiff of where to give you money and I guarantee you this will not be something you regret.

[Anonymous No.20112]

>>20110
I think you're dwelling on this too much. He legitimately has helped bring people into the small businesses featured on the show. If he wasn't a flame shirted douche, the show would've failed a long time ago. Leave him alone. If you slip him a couple bottles of Jack and you frost your hair, you might make the ranks of the Kulinary Krew and travel the country with Guy Fieri. Getting piss drunk and nailing truck stop prostitutes. Which I can almost guarantee is better than what you're doing now.

[Anonymous No.20113]

>>20112
No he needs punched in the face.
I wouldn't say this is he didn't stick his fingers into all the food and then suck the juices off on TV.

[Anonymous No.20114]

>>20112
He's also forced numerous businesses to close their doors because they can't handle the influx of people that feel the need to "OMG I ATE THERE AND IT WAS ON TV" to their friends.

But that has no bearing on why I'm doing this. Great, he's doing some things for small business, but it doesn't stop me from wanting to bust him across the chops. Big picture, me knocking him out may be the best thing for all parties involved. I, the fans, and the community at large, get what everyone wants.

He, on the other hand, will get even more coverage and publicity after this. Ratings will go up, and those small businesses will continue to see their new customers.

[Anonymous No.20115]

Make sure you have some other people taping it because the production company is not going to release that video

[Anonymous No.20116]

>>20114
No one cares if his ratings go up.
People don't even watch TV any more.

He needs punched. For reasons.

[Anonymous No.20117]

>>20116
Oh yeah, I don't give a damn about his ratings. I'd honestly like to see him flip his Camaro about 5 times without a seatbelt on, but what can ya do?

>>20115
That's the plan. Wife's going to be filming.

[Anonymous No.20118]

>>20117
>what can you do
You can punch him about 5 times.
This delivery will be the greatest in years, don't pull your punch.
Also don't reveal your plot to your wife because she'll fuck it up.

[Anonymous No.20119]

>>20118
Nah, she knows and she's fully onboard with what's going to go down. She's going to feign ignorance about the whole thing so she's not implicated in it, too. She's a pretty good actress when she needs to be. She actually makes me think I'm good in bed.

[Anonymous No.20120]

>>20117
>Wife's going to be filming
You better have more than just one person, dumb dumb

[Anonymous No.20121]

>>20119
Please tell me you're posting all this shit from a vpn connection that doesn't keep logs

[Anonymous No.20122]

>>20119
I could get in line with your wife's ideals.

Everyone knows this guy needs punched. Maybe she's just smart.

[Anonymous No.20123]

Pls no bully Guy Fierri. He's a good man and I unironically enjoy all of his programs and he does wonderful things for small business and restaurant. Like the other guy said it it weren't for his goofy persona and style the show would have tanked years ago.

[Anonymous No.20124]

>>20123
Too late for that, hombre. Things are set in motion.

[Anonymous No.20125]

>>20124
I already sent him an email, prepare to have your ass kicked.

[Anonymous No.20126]

>>20108
I wouldnt worry, some 4chan geek would get his ass handed to him by fieri

[Anonymous No.20127]

>>20120
Might look a little suspicious if I show up with my own camera crew, yeah?

[Anonymous No.20128]

>>20127
>camera crew
Everyone carries a cell phone

[Anonymous No.20129]

>>20107
Regardless of whether you dislike his persona, sucker punching the guy under the guise of being a super fan is a bitch move. Makes sense though because you sound like a bitch made Internet tough guy

[Anonymous No.20130]

>>20107
NO FUCKING BALLS! I bet you bitch out like a little pussy.

[Anonymous No.20131]

can someone email this to food network's corporate?

[Anonymous No.20132]

>>20125
Lol no. That tub of cholesterol wouldn't stand a chance even if he knew it was coming.

>>20126
Love how you guys are making your hero out to be some sort of accomplished athlete. The dude's claim to fame is stuffing his face with fried trash food.

[Anonymous No.20133]

>>20132
>Fieri is the predator

[Anonymous No.20134]

>>20132
and hell still hand you your ass on a platter, wimp

[Anonymous No.20135]

>>20107
But think about gunner and hawk fieri

[Anonymous No.20136]

>>20129
> Acting like this human grease trap deserves even a modicum of respect.

[Anonymous No.20137]

>>20107
This is the type of guy who keys another man's car. In other words a completely spineless pussy.

[Anonymous No.20138]

>mfw OP is a tub of shit too and it's a Battle Royale of gasping for air

[Anonymous No.20139]

>>20137
I already said above that I'm not a good person.

And yes, I'll absolutely key his car if I get the opportunity! Good idea, friend!

[Anonymous No.20140]

nice copy pasta OP, write it yourself?

[Anonymous No.20141]

>>20139
Don't forget to fill the keyholes with superglue.

[Anonymous No.20142]

Do it, faggot.

[Anonymous No.20143]

/trash/

[Anonymous No.20144]

>>20139
DONT KEY THAT BEAUTIFUL CAMERO, AS AN /O/ FAG I CANNOT ALLOW THIS. KEY SOMETHING LESS VALUABLE THAN THAT I LOVE THE CAMERO.

[Anonymous No.20145]

>>20141
use wall insulation spray instead

[Anonymous No.20146]

>>20144
If you truly loved it, you'd spell it right.

>Camero

You've sentenced it to a long, deep scar. Hope you're happy with yourself.

[Anonymous No.20147]

>>20146
moving too fast on ophone does things like this, it fucking autocorrects and pisses me off.

[Anonymous No.20148]

>>20107
Kek I love the rude dude of food but I have no doubt he has done plenty to deserve this

[Anonymous No.20149]

>>20107
I can't wait for this to happen and then watch Jaboody dubs dub their own version of it.

[Anonymous No.20150]

>>20147
Your dubs won't save it, either. If the opportunity presents itself, I'm carving my initials into the side.

[Anonymous No.20151]

>>20150
I guess the only thing left to do is kill myself as i have dishonored the GM Gods.

[Anonymous No.20152]

>>20148
He deserves everything OP gives him and more imo

[Anonymous No.20153]

To bad this is a troll thread and op won't deliver. Just same old bullshit

[Anonymous No.20154]

>>20153
Even if troll its still at least amusing

[Anonymous No.20155]

What's going on in this thread?

[Anonymous No.20156]

>>20155
wut

[Anonymous No.20157]

>>20107
Youre going to throw a weak punch and he's just going to take it.

[Anonymous No.20158]

>>20155
What the fuck? Jesus, now I'm going to hit him even harder. What a perfectly punchable face. Holy shit. He looks like a tired high school math teacher.

[Anonymous No.20159]

>>20157

[Anonymous No.20160]

>>20155

hairline is too low, makes him look weird

[Anonymous No.20161]

>>20154
This. It's a total fantasy, but it's funny as fuck.

[Anonymous No.20162]

>>20160
it only looks weird because he's not very handsome. Look at Taylor laughtner or Joey from friends

[Anonymous No.20163]

>>20109
Itt: guy justifies seriously fucking his life up for a meme.

[Anonymous No.20164]

>>20163
Bro, my life isn't great. I'm a personal trainer at a shitty gym. One of the other guys here had a rape conviction. Me sending Guy to catch some Z's at the Flavortown Motel is not going to change my life at all. I'll get locked up for a little bit, but so what? Like I said earlier, I've been to jail before. It's not a big deal.

[Anonymous No.20165]

>>20107
please please please buy a gopro

That being said I honestly feel bad for him.

About 2 years ago I went backstage with some whore to talk to Anthony Bordain, and I talked to him about Guy, and he said this "I hate what he's made and what he's done to food network, but it's not like it's his choice. We signed similar contracts, when you're on TV your contract generally states that you're not allowed to change your appearance more than ten percent. He's not allowed to lose weight, he's not allowed to stop dying his hair, he has to keep wearing shorts and button-ups, if he stops what he's doing, he loses all of his money."

Just keep that in mind,

but still nail him for me

[Anonymous No.20166]

Aw, why bother?
Sure, he's a douche, but he's a harmless douche.
Also, I've been to several restaurants he's featured and they're better off for it.
Why waste all that time and energy to be a bigger douche?

[Anonymous No.20167]

>>20107
I'm guessing you won't deliver but if you do the lulz will be legendary
I have nothing against Fieri, but I wish you good luck on this quest

[Anonymous No.20168]

>>20164
>sending Guy to catch some Z's at the Flavortown Motel

[Anonymous No.20169]

Good on you brother.

[Anonymous No.20170]

Please save our dad OP
This food is killing him

[Anonymous No.20171]

Bump

[Anonymous No.20172]

>>20107
I thought this would be some kind of cuck pasta until the final paragraph had me laughing

[Anonymous No.20173]

>>20133
Fuck this made me laugh harder than it should've

[Anonymous No.20174]

let me guess op, you think this limp wristed beta cuck is entertaining don't you. guy shits on all food review shows. kys and sage

[Anonymous No.20175]

>>20107
What day is he coming to town I want to see it happen.

[Anonymous No.20176]

Don't be a faggot OP, when is this. I wanna come watch

[Anonymous No.20177]

Guy is going to kick your ass, that or his camera crew will. Either way, also you dont have the guts.
Im sure hes a total bro when not doing the show. Go fuck yourself, OP.

[Anonymous No.20178]

>>20175
I also need to know were so I can eat a burger while the hope leaves his face

[Anonymous No.20179]

[Anonymous No.20180]

>>20107
just do it

please

get him to hug you and do the afterhug elbow blow.
please.
get some friends to film it, one person's not enough

[Anonymous No.20181]

>no proof posted
>no one asked for screenshot of email
You're all a bunch of spineless fags blindly feeding a weak troll

[Anonymous No.20182]

>>20107
10/10 post, anon
My sides fucking exploded

[Anonymous No.20183]

This is the best pasta I've ever seen. If original, kudos OP

[Anonymous No.20184]

>>20112
>Truck stop prostitues
You mean lot lizards?

[Anonymous No.20185]

>>20164
Bring me with you fellow Louisvillian. I have a go pro. Are you meeting him at 4th St?

[Anonymous No.20186]

>>20185
Not on 4th Street. Not shit worth shit down there.

[Anonymous No.20187]

>>20107
Then you'll be on film committing assault and battery! That's how you end up in jail with a cuddly new roommate named Tink!

[Anonymous No.20188]

>>20186
Right, which is why his restaurant is there across from sport and social club.

[Anonymous No.20189]

>>20188
It's not going to be at HIS restaurant. It's at a place he's filming a spot for DDD.

I stand by my statement of nothing being worth a shit down there.

[Anonymous No.20190]

I hope he lays you out fagit

[Anonymous No.20191]

>>20162

except his hairline isn't that low, and did the photoshop the neck? it was purposefully done to make him look bad

[Anonymous No.20192]

>>20187
Someone hasn't read the thread... I've been to jail. Don't give a lonesome fuck about it.

[Anonymous No.20193]

>>20190
You homos get real defensive over your food god. Get better taste.

I could see you getting pissed if I said I was going to fuck up Alton Brown or Gordon Ramsay or something, but Jesus, kids. This guy is the worst.

[Anonymous No.20194]

>>20192

tryin to get your poo pushed again? Weird that your wife is into it too

[Anonymous No.20195]

>>20194
You're awful hung up on the whole man-on-man thing. I guess that's your fantasy, and to each their own, but.... Hate to bust your bubble, but jail's not like that. Lot of watching tv, lot of playing cards. Really just bored.

I honestly won't do but maybe a week for this. I figure the Go Fund Me will reach my bail within a few days. Another day or so for processing. I'll plead out. I'll get time served and probation.

[Anonymous No.20196]

>>20111
Bourdain is an even bigger faggot than Fieri.

[Anonymous No.20197]

If it was anyone other than that smug fat piece of shit I'd advise you against it, but fuck that guy. I hope you take him to flavortown OP

[Anonymous No.20198]

This is aggravated assault and I hope based fieri files a restraining order before you can get your baby manlet hands near him

[Anonymous No.20199]

>>20198
I know when and where he's going to be that day. Good luck stopping me.

[Anonymous No.20200]

This is the greatest thing I've ever seen, OP.

Has anyone tweeted the screencap to Fieri?

[Anonymous No.20201]

>Be Guy Fieri
>Oh man I really love to connect with my fans. These guys seem great and enthusiastic. I'm gonna invite them out to be guests on the show! I really hope they like the filming.
>Show up to set
>Go in for a brohug with my fan
>Get punched in the face
But why? This feels like being a dick for no reason.

>>20114
>He's also forced numerous businesses to close their doors because they can't handle the influx of people that feel the need to "OMG I ATE THERE AND IT WAS ON TV" to their friends.
Actually is this true? If so links?

[Anonymous No.20202]

I work in hospitality and have worked with many ppl whose met/done projects with him and they all seem to say positive things. Apparently he is super kind and down-to-earth and turns on the character for the show. He is great for restaurants because he actually likes to promote good places, and he has said that he will never put a negative review out there unlike other tv food review shows because he couldnt stand the possibility of causing a place to shut down. I hated the idea of him but ive stopped since hearing about him

[Anonymous No.20203]

>>20107
>>20109
>>20110
i'm screen capping this so that if it does happen i can send it to your local authorities and get your cunt wife arrested right along with your hillbilly faggot ass for conspiracy or what ever thing louisville ky calls it.
you really think it's okay to go around being a violent nigger, nigger?
go fuck yourself.

[Anonymous No.20204]

>>20107
I hope you get sued into 3rd world poverty.

[Anonymous No.20205]

>>20203
really i oughta just send it to them now so you can both go for conspiracy instead of you hitting him. i think i'll do that, you violent piece of shit.

[Anonymous No.20206]

>>20203
>>20205
>Being this buttpained from pasta

[Anonymous No.20207]

>>20107
Dumb fuck. Don't know shit.
Fieri grew up in the hood. Fool had a gang. He escaped that life. Needed to make changes.
He was known as "guy'. "That guy just merked a nigga!". Phrases commonly said in his neighborhood.
You'll get your shit kicked in by Fieri.
Nigger has killed people.

[Anonymous No.22312]

>>20203
Screen caps are not admissible evidence. I doubt the logs will be around by the time they get around to charging him.

[Anonymous No.22363]

going after my boi guy? i'd like to see you try