I am making Bread?? I have no idea what I am doing.

[Anonymous No.19715046]

I am not using a recipe. my wife is passed out drunk. I am trying to prepare for dinner. she usually makes food. I have seen/heard her make bread. I know the basic ingredients & process.

I used (I think):
1/4 cup rye flour
1/3 cup wheat flour
3/5 cup bread flour
2 quail eggs
1/2 tbsp sugar
1 tsp red star active dry yeast
1/4 cup milk
2 tbsp kafir yogurt
(some) water. maybe 1/4 cup?
tbsp butter
some(??) salt
some((??)) garlic salt

I then mixed with a spoon, then by hand.
I'm going to let sit for (rise) for 30 min, maybe 45??

I will then throw in the oven for 45(????) min at 375°F (???????)

am I making bread?
Concrete????
Chinese Fighting Tack?

8gnhjx

[Anonymous No.19715049]

>>19715046
>my wife is passed out drunk

[Anonymous No.19715067]

>>19715049

I was in charge of mixing drinks today. I might have spiked hers a bit over strength... maybe on purpose.

she is a smokeshow.

we had several hours of great sex as a result.

now, back to the topic at hand. am I making bread? will it be edible?

[Anonymous No.19715080]

>>19715046
you need to beat the absolute fuck out of it for like 10 minutes after mixing. if its too goopy to do so then add more flour until its ok. then let it sit for an hour (covered with plastic wrap), split it into a couple smaller loaves, then leave it sit for another hour, covered again - should about double in size both times. then bake at 350 for about 45 but keep an eye on it, when it looks like it's done then it's probably done

[Anonymous No.19715102]

the eggs, milk, sugar, butter, and yogurt are all unnecessary for simple bread and will fuck with your end result. depending on how you mixed it, if the two salts you used killed the yeast it wont rise and youll have a little biscuit ball. listen to >>19715080 for your best bet to get something decent

[Anonymous No.19715120]

>>19715102
i'm assuming he's working from his wifes recipe which has ingredients listed but is hand written and doesn't go into full detail. seems like some good bread if executed right but if he's not kneading it and only rising for 30 min once with 1tsp of yeast, he's making concrete for sure

[Anonymous No.19715165]

>>19715120

I assure you I am NOT using my wife's or any other recipe.

I am, however, observant.

We live an off grid, homestead lifestyle, so each of us is aware of the other's "core duties" and necessary functions... to a degree.

honestly, she might be better at some of my skills, than I am at several of hers.

currently, my first timer has gone off. "punched down" the ball, then folded it in on its self, and kind of pushed/pulled it into its self, forming into a ball, as I have seen her do.

timer reset for 45 min. rising again. house at 80°F 40min remaining. I guess I preheat oven now?

for anyone whoo cares, I have decided to thaw out fresh, jalapeño venison sausage for the meat of this meal. just decided this about 5 minutes ago. we have some home made sauerkraut. I think there is some shredded white cheese in the fridge.

still just hoping for a fair result.

[Anonymous No.19715181]

>>19715165
honestly, if I were your wife, I'd probably just be happy youre making an attempt. some bread and sausages sound awesome upon waking up hung over, even if the bread is a dense rock

[Anonymous No.19715205]

>>19715067
>she is a smokeshow
If you’re going to say that, let’s see a pic
:)

[Anonymous No.19715213]

>>19715046
you are making me nerous

[Anonymous No.19715227]

>>19715205
I dunno, man. I'm not gonna show you the booba, but I suppose you request is not totally out of line.

this post is aboot bread. lets focus.

[Anonymous No.19715229]

>>19715227
5/10
wifeposters do be like that

[Anonymous No.19715231]

>>19715227
Nice looking woman, thanks for accommodating my request. Good luck with your food!

[Anonymous No.19715242]

>>19715227
are you trying to give me anxiety with your bread making, or make me jealous of you having a lovely wife?!
Make up your mind damn it!

[Anonymous No.19715271]

>>19715227
Way to out yourself for having a fat ugly wife

You need bread improver or it will suck

[Anonymous No.19715287]

>>19715271

bread improver? sounds like some fake, meme shit. we do it pretty basic around here. if we can't grow it, raise it, breed it, butcher it, can it, process it, or store it... it doesn't really happen.

we live... different. yes, we have internet. but aside from that, we try to live ouside, far and away from modern convenience and corruption.

[Anonymous No.19715299]

>>19715046
divorce wife marry the oven.

[Anonymous No.19715309]

>>19715271
>>19715229
Porn has destroyed your perception of reality

[Anonymous No.19715316]

>>19715287
I'm a baker and your bread is going to suck without bread improver

[Anonymous No.19715317]

>>19715309
they're right. she's a pig. gross feet too. your taste in women is worse than your cooking skills.

[Anonymous No.19715318]

>>19715317
Her feet are atrocious

[Anonymous No.19715322]

>>19715227
arms looks nice. post more upper arm.

[Anonymous No.19715323]

>>19715318
so are her legs. no definition. it goes from thigh to ankle. can't even tell if she has joints.

[Anonymous No.19715330]

>>19715323
man hands. man arms. her neck puts her age at around 46.

[Anonymous No.19715337]

>>19715227
thats a man

[Anonymous No.19715347]

>>19715316
>>19715317
>>19715318
>>19715323

still a thread aboot bread.

I appreciate your insane jealousy of my wife, though. I know she is a Venus. daily yoga had paid dividends. however, back to bread......

>>19715316

because everyone had "bread improver" in 1599. it was, literally, all the rage.
it's in the oven now. 350°(ish) for 40 min. then I will check, and make time/temp adjustments as needed, if needed.

verification not required

[Anonymous No.19715354]

>>19715347
your bread needs some improvement

[Anonymous No.19715372]

>>19715354

probably.

as noted in OP, this is my best attempt with zero input or planning.

I'm just trying to feed us, here.

I will post honest results and review shortly.

[Anonymous No.19715419]

>>19715372
Without bread improver it will suck. The main ingredient gives you a clue as to how long it's been around. I'm a professional baker. I bake breads daily for 20 years. But enjoy your shit bread retard

[Anonymous No.19715431]

>>19715419

not sure what the main ingredient in "bread improver" is, but I forgot to mention that I threw a bit of baking powder in mine, in addition to the OP list.

again, I will state, I do NOT claim to be a baker, good at this, or even know what the hell I'm doing here. that's kind of the point of this post.

learning, documenting and sharing .y end results.

if it is terrible, I will absolutely state it as such. same if it's good. honest documentation. let's have some fun, and perhaps I won't starve to death, in the process.

[Anonymous No.19715449]

>>19715431
Salt kills yeast. You're going to end up with a floppy turd like your wife, and cake instead of bread.

[Anonymous No.19715475]

OK, here is the result:

I will let it rest a bit, then cut and taste it.

of course, photo documentation will be updated.

[Anonymous No.19715481]

>>19715475
that bread and your wife have aot in common. they both look like shit.

[Anonymous No.19715523]

>>19715475
you're going to need a hacksaw to cut into that shit and when you post the interior shot its going to be chinese apartment complex tier crumbly fucking concrete because you didnt do what i told you to

[Anonymous No.19715524]

>>19715475
Lmao Jesus Christ man, that's some horrible looking bread. It has a lot in common with your wife.

[Anonymous No.19715527]

>>19715475
What's with the third world kitchen

[Anonymous No.19715529]

>>19715475
Looks alright. You should have kneaded it more, let it rise more, and cut it with a sharper blade preferably a razor blade.

[Anonymous No.19715543]

>>19715227
She's alright, but her fashion sense needs an update. That dress is... just no, and those shoes are not doing her feet any favours. Try to let her know subtly. Also tell her to liberally cover all exposed skin with sunscreen, not so subtly.
Get a kitchen scale if you regularly bake bread.

[Anonymous No.19715550]

>>19715475
>he didn't use bread improver and ended up with a floppy cake that didn't rise
Told you so

[Anonymous No.19715620]

>>19715543
>but her fashion sense needs an update. That dress is... just no, and those shoes are not doing her feet any favours
Ha ha you come off like such a faggot. You got monkeypox, boy?

[Anonymous No.19715627]

>>19715620
She's fat. Look at her arms. Yuk

[Anonymous No.19715668]

OK... Here is the final result:

loaf came out quite alright.it is not too dense, not over-proofed, and not crumbly.

the flavor of the bread is nothing to write poetry aboot, but it is great for things that bread is intended for. it's very basic, but I assume it is healthy, as far as carbohydrates go.

I have used it to make a jalapeño venison sausage sandwich. it has homemade sauerkraut, mozzarella/provolone cheese, dill pickles, bacon, with mustard.

it held up just fine to toasting on the griddle.

overall, I would give the whole endeavor 7/10. despite listing salt as an ingredient, I think I may have forgotten it... unsure. it seems to need salt.

not bad for a totally whim, non-recipe bread, made in a pinch.

wife is still sleeping it off. I will get her opinion later.

[Anonymous No.19715674]

>>19715627
>ewwww look at those arms! nuh-uh, girlfriend! *snaps fingers faggily
So you do in fact have monkeypox. Don’t forget to take your prep before you go out clubbing tonight, Bruce.

[Anonymous No.19715676]

>>19715668
Tell the fat pig to wake up and stop drinking so much because your bread is crumbly and disgusting

[Anonymous No.19715774]

here is a larger photo of the finished, cut bread.

I am quite impressed with it, seeing as how I haven't baked in years, and did not use a recipe. just common sense, based on observation and tidbits of information gathered by watching and talking to my wife while she bakes.

[Anonymous No.19715779]

>>19715774
you did well. next time put a little ramekin filled with water in the oven if you want to experiment with crustier bread

[Anonymous No.19715782]

>>19715774
>z e r o gluten development, minimal yeast growth
it's fucked but i'm glad you're happy with yourself

[Anonymous No.19715815]

>>19715782

you must be a lonely, pathetic, miserable person.

enjoy your porn and mastrubation addiction. it is likely the only solace you have.

I pity you.

[Anonymous No.19715843]

>>19715774
Looks like gross cake why didn't you use any common sense