I wish I could kidnap Jack. I’d wait until he was filming a Jack on the Go episode and I’d make my move. I would distract Tammy away from the scene by throwing a brick through their stupid fucking car, then I’d approach Jack. I’d tell him the time has come for me to review him, at which point I would whip out the chloroform and tell the snuffling pig to take a good long sniff.
Once out for the count, and having used a whole bottle to drop the fat fuck, I’d have him wheeled out back and loaded onto a forklift.
Taking him down to my basement I’d ensure he was held down and restrained with plenty of chains to prevent the fat fuck jiggling.
‘Wh-Whaaissrhishh’ he would slurr. Attempting to wave his stroke arm, for I left it unrestricted, it is useless to him after all.
As he comes to, I begin to show off the various tools I’ll be reviewing with him: the Graty, the SlapChop, the Big City Slider Station, the Meat Claws, you name it we’re reviewing it.
His screams would never be heard in the soundproof room, and Tammy would only have just waddled back from the car to realise he’s missing.
I fire up my blowtorch to begin the cook. I tell him my first step is to make slow cooker pulled pork as I eye up his belly.
I equip the meat claws.
‘Come on in close’ I say, grinning malevolently.