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2023-11: Warosu is now out of extended maintenance.

/ck/ - Food & Cooking

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14090692 No.14090692 [Reply] [Original]

Whoa, /ck/! A wild food genie appears and says he'll make any food that you desire, prepared any way you'd like, appear in front of you right now (or at your next meal). The only request he has is that you provide a restriction or condition for the request of the poster before you. If they ask for a steak (with no preparation request), your condition could be that it is blended and served in a cup.

I myself would like some fried chicken cutlets with buttery mashed potatoes and stewed tomatoes.

>> No.14090736

>>14090692
Except those cutlets are going to be MICROWAVED BITCH!

I would like some home-style borscht just the way babushka made it, with sour cream on top and some blini with fruit compote on the side

>> No.14090761

>>14090736
Ok but it's served in wax-coated paper bowls/plates

I would like some good old fashioned biscuits and gravy

>> No.14090780

>>14090692
greggs

>> No.14091064

>>14090761
The biscuits are actually biscuits in the british sense so are closer to cookies and the gravy is turkey gravy

I'd just like some shrimp cocktail

>> No.14091262

>>14091064
ok but the shrimp are land shrimp aka cockroaches
I just want a bottle of water that will extend my life in perfect health at an agreeable age for 10,000 years for each drop that touches my tongue

>> No.14091292

>>14091262
Ok, but the water leaves an aftertaste of your father's testicles and a sense of impending doom for 6 weeks after drinking

I'd like a bowl of shredded frosted wheat with 2% cow milk submerging the cereal

>> No.14091379 [DELETED] 

>>14090692
The meatloaf shaped like cartoon meat on the bone from Shokugeki no Soma, prepared exactly in the way it was done in the show, served in a regular porcelain tableware

>> No.14091474

>>14091292
The shredded wheat is gluten free and the cow milk was blended with mommies milk to make up for the high demands right now.

I'd love some Pufferfish please.

>> No.14091489

>>14091474
The pufferfish is prepared poorly, and the meat is laced with venom.

I want a banana.

>> No.14091509

>>14091489
ok, but it's a man-banana.

I want a medium rare steak, cooked on a grill.

>> No.14091524

>>14091509
Enjoy your wombat steak.
I want a beer.

>> No.14091577
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14091577

>>14091524
its light & american

I want a pepperoni pizza

>> No.14091606
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14091606

>>14091577
>You got it

I want raw cunny

>> No.14091638

>>14091606
it's actually a sting

I want chilli con carne

>> No.14091691

>>14091638
There's beans in it.
I want a Belgian waffle with Vermont maple syrup.

>> No.14091808

>>14091691
Its a blue waffle, and the syrup is crystallizing from oxidation.

I'll take a fried shellfish platter.

>> No.14092407

>>14091808
The shrimp are not deveined and it's fried in dick cheese.

I want a homemade load of bread and chicken salad.

>> No.14092412

>>14092407
Its actually chicken of the sea salad

I'll have a nice leek and potato soup

>> No.14092414

>>14090692
I'd pick the hot smart chicks, I know that I'm a doofus but that would be my pick. The ones are really hot and I can debate with yet in the end we can fuck.

>> No.14092418

>>14090692
In the end, it's my decision.
It's just a wish, that's only one, that's enough, maybe.

>> No.14092419

>>14092412

The bowl of soup is on a high speed rotating platform and the soup is extremely hot. The potato's are whole unpeeled raw russet potatoes.

I want chicken tendies

>> No.14092424

>>14092419
Do proper haiku with that.

>> No.14092538

>>14092419
High speed rotating
Potatoes extremely hot
Now you have tendies
Unpeeled yet very hot.

>> No.14092551

>>14092419
The tendies came from the back of an old grandmother's freezer and expired over 30 years ago.

I would like some fresh sashimi.

>> No.14092561

>>14092551
She saved them for you, so enjoy.
Make your grandmother smile.

>> No.14092597

>>14092551
You don't have to really eat 30 year old tendies, just say that you liked them for your grandmother, she'll know. Those old birds are smarter than you might think. They've been through this way before we have.

>> No.14092606

>>14091489
Unless you have a stomach ulcer venom isn't dangerous when ingested.

>> No.14092632

>>14092606
he means tetrodotoxin, you pedantic faggot.

>> No.14092684

>>14092551
the sashimi is exquisite toro
I will have a wet (verde + cheese) super burrito with carnitas and pinto beans, with a Jarritos lime.

>> No.14092711

>>14092684
salsa verde is exxxtra wet from donkey ball sweat.
I'll have a roasted chicken.

>> No.14092723

>>14092551

The sashimi is made from sunfish, by a first year student who has no idea what he's doing.

I want some fucking tacos

>> No.14092726

>>14092711
The chicken skin has been loosened and skittles inserted. Cooked in beer can chicken style with an Arizona iced tea to an internal temperature of 198F.
I will have a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup.

>> No.14092735

>>14092711

The chicken is roasted alive while you watch

>>14092723
Vegan tofu taco

I want a mentos

>> No.14092792

>>14092684
>the sashimi is exquisite toro
daawwww thanks anon <3

>> No.14092801
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14092801

>>14092792
forgot image

>> No.14092810

>>14090692
Lately, I've been doing a shop-by-shop examination of local Japanese restaurants and what they serve as "Chicken Karaage".
One chicken karaage, please.

>> No.14094201

>>14092735
The taco is served to you by Adam Ragusea, who proceeds to lambaste you for 'eating it wrong',to 'stop using napkins' and that your tablecloth is a 'symbol of white imperialism'. Even after you finish the taco he will hang out in your home for one week pretty much picking your entire existence apart. He will even follow you into the bathroom because you're doing that wrong too.

Greek gyros, fries and a sour ale.

>> No.14094375

>>14090780
fookin lurve me some greggs mate, simple as

>> No.14094491

>>14094201
Don't forget that if you tell him to fuck off he'll have a protracted hysterical meltdown in the comments section.

>> No.14094505

>>14094201
jokes on him i dont have a table cloth
or a table

>> No.14094544

>>14094201
The meal has to be served with a nice green salad and shared with the posters girlfriend/boyfriend. Lacking that, with the posters family

A pot of pozole for me, please

>> No.14094568

>>14094544
your pozole is served out of a gay man's poz hole
now give me your foinest burgah

>> No.14094575

>>14094568
it's a ramsay burgah

glass of water pl0x

>> No.14094814

>>14094575
it's heavy water

I want my usual meal from the mexican food place I used to go to that closed because they got $7 million for their property.

>> No.14094827

>>14094814
there's nothing wrong with heavy water.

>> No.14094839

>>14094827
fine then it's water from love canal or flint michigan.

>> No.14094851

>>14094839
super

>> No.14094897

>>14094814
it was made before they closed and hasn't been refrigerated since then.

i'd like some chocolate truffles

>> No.14094906

>>14094897
15 years ago? I'd still eat it.

>> No.14094919

>>14094906
absolute madman

>> No.14096142

>>14094897
The truffles arrive on bright white china. This is why you came to Switzerland. Your hunt for the perfect truffles is over and after talking with the master chocolatier you ordered one of everything. You smile and gaze across the plate savoring each in your mind: micro-graded coconut, crushed hazelnut, shaved black truffle, gold leaf, white drizzle, cocoa powder, and small inlaid flowers. With reverence you pick up the cocoa powder truffle and bite through its tempered chocolate and into meat. You cough and drop the remains of the truffle on your plate. A patron sitting nearby gives you a look before going back to his hot cocoa. You shake your head and tell yourself it must be the lack of sleep, too many late nights discussing the finer points of octagonal multi-pour technology and cast iron.

You pick up another perfect truffle and bite though the hazelnut coated shell and into meat. You spit it out and stand enraged. People in the cafe begin to mutter and you can hear giggles. You pick up the coconut truffle, take a bite, and find meat. You throw it. You pick up the gold leaf one and tear it in half. Meat. And another. Meat. "MEATBALLS," you scream. You grab another and smash it against your forehead, seasoned ground meat dribbles down your face. Everyone in the cafe points and laughs. You rip apart what remains on the table. "MEAT," you scream, hands in the air.

The man with the hot cocoa, now laughing at you, has a small plate of untouched truffles before him. You charge up to him, grab one, and crush it between your hands. Chocolate. Light airy chocolate. Notes of champagne and activated almonds waft through the air. Your eyes turn to fire and you reach for another--he slaps your hand. "No no, Monsieur. This is not for you." You ignore him and reach again. CRACK A wooden spoon hits your fingers, it's the master chocolatier. "He is right, not for you. You get meat." Everyone laughs. "For you, no truffles. Only meat."


I'll take one more hot cocoa

>> No.14096177

>>14096142
tl;dr

>> No.14096433

>>14096142
A trombonist empties his spit valve into the cocoa before it's served
I want to try beef Wellington, rare

>> No.14096507

>>14096433
It's a 10lb roast wrapped in crescent dough cooked just until the crescent is browned.

I'll have eggs benedict

>> No.14096847

In reality every incel dude here would order her genie pussy to eat.

>> No.14096859

>>14096507
The eggs benedict were prepared by a Hawaiian chef and he served you the Hawaiian version which has some substitutes: rice replaced the english muffin, a hamburger patty replaced the Canadian bacon, gravy replaced the hollandase, and the egg was fried instead of poached.

>>14096847
Guess I'm ordering the Genie's cat, deep fried please.

>> No.14097144

>>14096859
It's undercooked, you contract a new zoonotic viruses starting a pandemic.

I want a moco loko.

>> No.14097251

Why does everyone make the stipulation something horrifying? At least >>14096142 had some artistry...

>>14097144
Your moco loko (loco moco) is made by a suicidal Japanese immigrant. It is his last night on earth, so under your fried egg, you find a crisp $100 bill. That night, you hear whispers in Japanese and muted sobbing.

>> No.14098447

>>14097251
I want a simple refreshing glass of water.

>> No.14098460

>>14098447
It is done but the water is frozen so you can't drink it
I want a roasted t-rex stuffed with the most exotic extinct animals in history

>> No.14098561

>>14098460
You get the roasted T Rex, however eating it sends you back in time to when they were still alive.

>> No.14100049

>>14098561
You get it but you post on /ck/ and become incapable of following simple instructions.

Macaroni and cheese with a glass of Coca Cola.

>> No.14100162

>>14100049
The mac is flooded with Velveeta cheese sauce.

I'll have a reuben with a side of mashed potatoes.

>> No.14100173

>>14092810
>I just got fucking ignored like that
OKAY, FAGGOTS. ENJOY YOUR THREAD. I'M NOT FUCKING MAD ABOUT ANYTHING.

>> No.14100229

>>14100173
The waiter mishears you and you get chicken khaaan, a meme dish from the year 2009.

>>14100162
An overweight man named reuben sits in the nude on youe plate next to a pile of mashed potato. He seductively puts some of the potato on his breast.

I'd like a classic italian margharita pizza

>> No.14100269 [DELETED] 
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14100269

Post UMA DELICIA-tier food