/ck/ - Food & Cooking

[Anonymous No.11450311]

GOD JUST WRITE THE FUCKING REICPE AND THAT'S IT I DON'T NEED A FUCKING TWO PAGE ETYMOLOGICAL LESSON YOU COPY PASTED AND SLIGHTLY EDITED FROM WIKIPEDIA OR A 10 PAGE BLOG ABOUT YOUR FUCKING FAMILY TRADITIONS HOLY SHIT NOBODY FUCKING CARES AND I HAVE TO SCROLL THROUGH ALL THIS SHIT EVERY GOD DAMN TIME FUCK YOU

[Anonymous No.11450324]

>reading a story online
>getting heavily invested in a mother's struggle through childbirth
>all of the sudden a list of ingredients pops up
>remember I googled a meatloaf recipe 15 minutes ago

[Anonymous No.11450325]

A thread died for this

[Anonymous No.11450339]

>>11450325
And it was probably one of your garbage blogs

[Anonymous No.11450342]

>>11450311
The blog pushes it to the top of the search results stop using google you retard. Bing and yahoo are superior

[Anonymous No.11450344]

>look up bread recipe
>5000 word essay on history of bread
>recipe way at the bottom of the page

[Anonymous No.11450345]

>>11450325
Your epic leddit downvote aside, currently the bottom five threads on /ck/ are all completely trash and not even pretending to be about food or cooking

[Anonymous No.11450408]

TL;DR about your apparent bitching about TL;DR blogs.

[Anonymous No.11450497]

As a busy Mom with a hubby, kids, and a food blog, I think you need to just sit down, take a deep breath and have a nice cup of chamomile tea while I share a story with you.

My hubby Earl is a workaholic who when he is home, is usually found in his "man cave" teaching Alyssa from down the street how to use the computer Alyssa baby sat for us a few times and Earl though she she had "talent" (his word) for his computer tutelage.
Honestly, they get so involved they will spend the whole night "coding" in Earl's man cave, and when I see them in the morning it's like they both just ran a marathon. Both tuckered out and Alyssa is always walking funny.

My twins, Earl Junior or E.J. and his sister Beckee are so insecure, even at 16, they still insist sharing a bed. I mentioned that this might be unhealthy, but all I get from them is "Have you ever had a twin, Mom?" And sometimes when they help hubby and Alyssa with the computing it becomes an all night thing in the man cave with all four of them in the morning looking like they were jumping on a trampoline all night instead of sitting in front of computer screens.

Baby Raneatha, who we call "Puddles" was unplanned but she's our pride and joy. I tried to explain to Earl that before vasectomies take full effect, they sometimes just make different colored babies and he could check it on the Internet.

Anyhoo, with my part time job at the dress shop, running E.J. to ballet and Beckee to her hockey practice and Puddles to daycare, and keeping my the house tidy, I always wonder where I get the energy. Might be the good food I cook and write about on my blog.

Here's my world famous recipe for macaroni and cheese, but first I have to go see what the twins are up to. They wrestle all the time and I don't think the house is too hot to where they need to do it in their underwear.

Back with the recipe soon.

[Anonymous No.11450515]

>>11450497
is this really taken from a recipe?

[Anonymous No.11450523]

>>11450497
Good read

[Anonymous No.11450558]

>>11450344
>start has a list of ingredients but no quantities
>midway through their treatise on cooking and their life is the process hidden among pictures of unrelated food and their kids
>the end has the quantities

[Anonymous No.11450571]

>>11450515

>yes, yes it is

[Anonymous No.11450635]

Are you gals seeing these stories on blogs like Tumblr? I thought Tumblr only had porn?

[Anonymous No.11450640]

>fry wings
>put franks red hot on them
the end

[Anonymous No.11450643]

>>11450635
Tumblr has literally everything, it's the Wikipedia of blogs. The general culture there is absolute trash, I still jerk it there though.

[Anonymous No.11450652]

>>11450497
Can I work with you on turning this into an erotic novel?

[Anonymous No.11450658]

my idea is to make a blog of recipes but i never have time to get to the actual recipe, the whole post is filler
don't steal my idea

[Anonymous No.11450688]

Google has to fix that shit.
Give 10+ points to sites that have text containing certain formatting and ingredient/measurement text on TOP of the page.

[Anonymous No.11450799]

>>11450658
What

[Anonymous No.11450803]

>>11450497
Poor thing only had 9 hours a day instead of 9.5 to sit on Facebook after cooking :(

[Anonymous No.11450814]

>>11450324
pretty much lol
What the hell is going on though? Do they need a certain number of words?
Do they see this done and just think they need to do it too?
Are there (gasp) people who enjoy this shit?

[Anonymous No.11450859]

>>11450311
Seriously I don't want to read a 5000 word diatribe about your daughters first queef on Sunday morning. Just show me the fucking ingredients.

[Anonymous No.11450863]

>>11450311
>get hungry
>think of something new to cook
>search google
>find random blog with recipe
>click on link
>autoplay, full volume video starts on an overlay
>completely different recipe
>click X on the overlay
>the video mutes but doesn't pause and plays at 1/4 size in the corner of the browser
>start to scroll
>get hit with another overlay demanding your name, email, age, (not gender because if you're cooking you're a woman) address, SSN...
>scroll a third of the way through page
>pass 6 consecutive copies of the same picture of the dish you want to make
>get carpal tunnel from scrolling through photos of the family life history
>almost die from the exhaustion of coping with the glimpses of the author's saccharine, obnoxious tone as you resort to the space bar
>unexpectedly reach the bottom of the page after it auto loads somewhere around Timmy's 7th birthday
>realize the recipe is somewhere above
>try to scroll back up but a newly loaded video starts to auto play

I don't know what's worse, momblogs or "gallerys"

[Anonymous No.11450877]

>>11450863
>before any of that happens
"Uh oh! Looks like you're using and ad blocker whitelist us"
>this website would like to send you notifications ALLOW BLOCK
>POPUP iTunes has an update

[Anonymous No.11450899]

>>11450814
Search engine optimization.
Kinda like to reply girls on youtube, google fucks up, people realize how to exploit the algorithms and everyone suffers until google decides to fix it.

[Anonymous No.11450915]

>>11450497
Lol I remember these. I tapped to the twins ngl

[Anonymous No.11450923]

>>11450877
>Enter your email to receive our daily newsletter

[Anonymous No.11450943]

>>11450497
My sides.

[Anonymous No.11451066]

>>11450497
>My twins, Earl Junior or E.J. and his sister Beckee are so insecure, even at 16, they still insist sharing a bed.
>They wrestle all the time and I don't think the house is too hot to where they need to do it in their underwear.

[Anonymous No.11451101]

>>11450311
>Google recipe
>click
>Fucking blog post about stupid shit
>Have to click through to the actual recipe
Fuck you, rasamalaysia

[Anonymous No.11451113]

>>11450344
I wonder what his「SUTANDO POWA」is

[Anonymous No.11452018]

>>11450814
Likely the equivalent of fishing for upvotes

[Anonymous No.11452033]

>>11450344
This just reminded me not to do drugs, thanks!

[Anonymous No.11452101]

>>11450311
The recipe has 95% chance of being completely wrong and leading to ruined products if it's written by a ditzy 40 year old female retard who thinks anybody cares about her "hubby" and her two brats like to do on the weekend as per "family tradition."

[Anonymous No.11452270]

>>11450342
Noted, I'm going to try those for recipes in the future

[Anonymous No.11452336]

>>11452101
Yup.
Pretty much every blog-post recipe I've ever tried turned out meh.
That said, I never even notice the lifestories. I habitually scroll to the list of ingredients, only scrolling back if I feel I missed some info.

[Anonymous No.11452351]

>>11450311
Can't get enough ad revenue unless you bury the recipe down the page.

[Anonymous No.11452354]

>>11450497
This is my fav hentai manga genre.

[Anonymous No.11452392]

>>11450814
They probably get a lot of positive feedback and support in comments and such the more personal they make their posts. Online content in general is usually more successful if you're play up and present your personality for others to "befriend" rather than just the literal content.

[Anonymous No.11452669]

>>11450658
Suburban mom's have you beat to that one.

[Anonymous No.11453630]

>>11452669
>mom's
Why do people do this

[Anonymous No.11453680]

>>11450497
I'm glad I read this, top kek anon

[Anonymous No.11454888]

>>11450497
>Back with the recipe soon.

Okay, so let's get on with making my world famous macaroni and cheese. Hubby, the twins, baby Puddles all love it and leftovers? Close your eyes, what do you see? My macaroni and cheese leftovers!

But first I have to update everyone with my Girls' Night Out last Thursday. I left my famiy up to their own devices for dinner as I usually do. Hubby Earl orders pizza and the the twins and Earl's computer protegee, Alyssa, as well as some of Earl's fishing buddies and Alyssa's and the twin's friends make a night of it. Puddles was already at my Mom's and as I was I leaving and making my good-byes, I steeped into the twin's bathroom and they were both in the shower together. Through the shower door glass I could see E.J. standing u and Beckee down on her knees in front of E.J.
"kids, I'm going," I said, and E.J. said "okay, later Mom." "How about you Beckee?" I asked. E.J. said, "she's busy right now Mom, trying a new yoga pose and can't talk, It's a yoga thing."
"Okay, sweeties," I said.
I walked to Earl's an cave and poked my head in. "Earl, I'm leaving. Where's Alyssa?"
Earl was seated at his big desk and pushed back in his chair. One hand was under the desk as if he was guiding something. "Oh, she had to run an errand, babe, but she''ll be back." I thought I heard a giggle. I ignored it because I was running late. I thought I heard Earl give out a sigh but it was much deeper and longer.

I drove to Mandy's house and let myself in the front door. Mandy and Carla were already in their robes (girls' night out was all about relaxing) and Mandy handed me a glass of wine. "You're late, so just drink this first one down quick, so you get caught up," she said. I drained the glass quickly and as if on cue I started to feel woozy. I went and got out my clothes and put on a robe like the girls and sat on the couch between them. Mandy handed me another glass of wine. As I sipped it I must have dosed off.

[Anonymous No.11455923]

>>11454888
Why

[Anonymous No.11455942]

>>11454888
Get to the fucking mac n cheese recipe already! I don't need Earl's life story! Kek.This is a good parody. It reminds me of Pioneer Woman's/ or the endless copycat cooking blorghhs or blogs.

[Anonymous No.11456164]

>>11452351
sweet & savory

[Anonymous No.11456218]

>>11454888
>I replaced the flour with toasted quinoa, I used coconut oil instead of butter, and I used half stevia half dehydrated beet juice instead of sugar. Baked at half temperature for twice as long. Not bad, 3/5 stars.

[Anonymous No.11456224]

>>11450863
This is what browsing the internet in hell must be like.

[Anonymous No.11456261]

おまんこ

[Anonymous No.11456432]

>>11450635
Pinterest

[Anonymous No.11456444]

>>11450863
Zero practicality. what they do that for?

[Anonymous No.11456499]

>online recipe
>it has your usual blog you don't care about
>but at least they implement at the beginning a button that takes you directly to ingredient list and directions
>mfw
How nice of them.

[Anonymous No.11456504]

>>11456499
You unironically have Stockholm syndrome

[Anonymous No.11456519]

>>11456504
Happens to the best of us.

[Anonymous No.11456527]

>>11450311
It’s to keep you on the page longer to they get better add revenue

[Anonymous No.11456552]

>>11456527
I thought

[Anonymous No.11456560]

>>11456552
No you didn’t

[Anonymous No.11456606]

>>11450497

[Anonymous No.11457076]

>>11450497
>>11454888
more

[Anonymous No.11458799]

>>11456432
I've learned to not touch pinterest since the first time I accidentally clicked on it

[Anonymous No.11458811]

>no website with recipes and MILF pornography

Someone is missing an opportunity here.

[Anonymous No.11458843]

>>11458811
Shit tier fetish reserved 12 year olds that have no standards

[Anonymous No.11459252]

>>11454888
Well, it seems at all of my Girl's Night Out I got sleepy-eyed before Mandy and Carla. And since I was in the middle of them on the couch, I was the first one to get a massage. This was rule of Girls's Night Out. Mandy started working the back of my shoulders and Carla was doing the front of my shoulders. It felt so nice and as I wanted to talk about using nectarines in a salad, I must of nodded off. When I woke up a bit (or was it a dream?) Carla was suckling one of breasts and Mandy had her hand on my bare behind and was gently pushing her thumb into my rectum as she had two fingers already sliding in and out of my vagina. Carla looked up at me and said "you have the most pretty eyes," and started kissing me on the mouth. I started kissing her (it was a dream after all) my hand found my way to Carla's super wet pudenda and I easily penetrated her with three fingers. She moaned and I increased my rhythm. Dream or not, I remembering waking up on the couch, with both my vagina and rectum feeling more than extra sensitive. I found my girls in the bedroom, fast asleep in what, if I didn't know better, was a lover's embrace. The house smelled musty.
"Hey guys, what happened last night?" I asked.
"Like always," they said in unison, "you fell asleep before the fun began when we were talking about recipes."
"Oh darn it," I said, "I always miss the good stuff."
I saw the the time and dressed quickly and drove home. When I walked into the house, Earl had Beckee on his lap and she was bouncing away like back when she was four years old. Her skirt covered their laps and she kept saying "Oh Daddy, my bum is eating it all up now, isn't it?"
Earl just stared straight ahead and then at me, and said "Our little girl is always thinking of homeless people. She wants to make extra macaroni and cheese for that beggar on the corner."
I had to pee, so I headed for the bathroom and passing the twin's bedroom I saw E.J., Alyssa and Max, Alyssa's brother covering

[Anonymous No.11459315]

>>11459252
heh, contact me on discord kid. i can find you work for good pay *smokes cig, sips beer*

Jun#3609

[Anonymous No.11459343]

>>11450311
They do this to please the Google algorithm, even though it's a pain in the ass for the reader.

[Anonymous No.11460084]

>>11459252
Still waiting for that recipie. Seriously though I'm having a laugh. It would be cool to start your own blog larping as this character.

[Anonymous No.11460502]

>>11450497
>>11454888
>>11459252
SOMEONE GET JAPAN ON THIS RIGHT NOW

[Anonymous No.11460951]

A single index card containing all relevant information for a recipe is optimum. Don't bother debating me you've already lost.

[Anonymous No.11461471]

>>11460951
Youtube video is better if you aren't an expert who knows every technique
No one disagrees that "stories" that exist to please google fairies suck.

[Anonymous No.11461508]

>>11461471
Youtube video is better if you're a dumbfuck who can't bother to google basic terms you somehow don't understand*

[Anonymous No.11462255]

>>11460951
When I was in school for cooking I did this then kept obsessing over minor details I thought I forgot but didn't, gives you a huge false sense of security

[Anonymous No.11463475]

>>11450311
>not having "recipe filter"

[Anonymous No.11463517]

>>11463475
oh shit it's real

thanks fag

[Anonymous No.11463551]

>>11461508
A video is better because you get to see how each step is supposed to look. Most written recpices have a picture of the end product and vaguely describe mid steps

[Anonymous No.11463587]

>open blog/recipe page
>hit "end" to jump to the bottom of the page
>scroll up from the bottom
Now the recipe is the first thing you see. You're welcome.

[Anonymous No.11463601]

>be old ck
>links galore to thomas keller, julia child, bocuse, robuchon pdfs/epubs
>have them all indexed via a linux command line ebook indexer
>command line search for recipe
>wala
today you faggots link to shitty blogs and even worse, Youtube celebs.

[Anonymous No.11463622]

>>11450863
>>11450877
>>11450923
NOTHING MAKES ME REE MORE
what the FUCK kind of push notifications do I need from a blog? WHAT NOTIFICATIONS COULD THERE BE??
NO I DO NOT WANT YOUR NEWSLETTER
even worse when the "no" option says something like "No thanks, I don't like delicious food."
Fuck you and your newsletter and your notifications and fuck your family.

[Anonymous No.11463627]

>>11463475

[Anonymous No.11463717]

>>11450342
Anon delivers. /thread

[Anonymous No.11464649]

>>11450863
>>11450877
>>11463622
>not using uMatrix