/ck/ - Food & Cooking

[Anonymous No.11039096]

Is there actually a /ck/ remedy for constipation?

[Anonymous No.11039104]

>>11039096
Cigarettes, works every time.

[Anonymous No.11039105]

>>11039096
Papaya, but it smells like feet.

[Anonymous No.11039112]

I got a coffee maker a couple of weeks ago. I have been drinking coffee every morning and after I finish my cup, it takes about 10 minutes before I get the urge to shit. Your best bet is to drink A LOT of water, even when you're not thirsty. If it's hurting you, just do an enema or use a suppository. But after that, stick to drinking lots of water.

[Anonymous No.11039122]

>>11039096
Bottle of magnesium citrate works, but you gotta chug the whole thing.

[Anonymous No.11039123]

>>11039096
lay on your back and get your mom/gf to grab your legs and pump them up and down

[Anonymous No.11039131]

>>11039096
A cup of coffee and some prune juice.

[Anonymous No.11039152]

>>11039096
Not food related, but shove a dildo up there.

[Anonymous No.11039222]

>>11039131
>prune juice
how do you make prune juice?

[Anonymous No.11039259]

Back in the winter of 2012/2013, I didn't shit for over two months. The cause was heroin addiction + enough money to buy as much as I wanted every day. I went to a doctor and he wrote me a prescription for some type of industrial strength laxative. I also bought an enema kit. I used neither and instead drank a shit load of water and stayed on my feet all day every day for maybe a week. When the day came, I shat three logs, each the size of a grown man's forearm. Surpsingly, it wasn't painful at all. My asshole had been dilating for several days due to a 24/7 turtle head, and I'd consumed just enough water and fiber to soften the turds to a degree that they slid out very easily. It was a perfect storm. I wish I'd have taken pictures because this was one for the record books. Due to their massive size, I had to flush them individually. I used a pencil to break up one and hold the others to the side of the bowl while the pieces flushed, then repeat. I was literally to the point where the tip of the turtle head would break off and slide down my pant leg while I was out walking. I wish someone else could've witnessed these monsters. I guarantee this was world record material. Haven't done heroin since.

[Anonymous No.11039272]

>>11039096
A hundred grams of sugar-free Haribo gummy bears. I once ate couple of fistfuls.

[Anonymous No.11039303]

>>11039222
Go look it up.

[Anonymous No.11039306]

>>11039096
black coffee. lots and lots of black coffee

[Anonymous No.11039317]

>>11039259
top kek
2 months i fucking insane, i'm a few days and i feel like a balloon
i just want to shit, and i'm drinking plenty of water and eating fiber
i'm worried it might be something more serious

[Anonymous No.11039324]

>>11039096
drink water, not cheese fucking dipshit

[Anonymous No.11039332]

>>11039324
>strawgrasping
>calls others dipshit
yeah, kill yourself

[Anonymous No.11039348]

>>11039317
Just don't share needles and trust your source of heroin and you'll make it

[Anonymous No.11039378]

>>11039096
eat as many carrots or cucumbers as you can, drink plenty of water, and wait for the reckoning. Only do this on a weekend as you will end up spending a considerable amount of time in the bathroom shitting out everything that has ever existed inside of you.

[Anonymous No.11039385]

>>11039259
let this serve as a perfect example of why you should just say no to heroin.

[Anonymous No.11039392]

1 can beans, any variety
(wait 2-3 hours)
1 large cup of coffee
1 1-mile walk
return home, proceed to dump it out, big time

[Anonymous No.11039402]

>>11039222
With prunes, fuckface.

[Anonymous No.11039403]

>>11039378
i thought carrots did the opposite since they recommend it for diarrhea

[Anonymous No.11039420]

>>11039259
i'd get addicted to heroin to experience something like that

[Anonymous No.11039427]

>>11039259
A few years ago I was being prescribed pethidine and it made me really fucking constipated. I think I went 3 days without shitting which is unusual for me, I normally shit at least twice a day.
I was in this pub on a busy Friday night and I got the urge to shit pretty bad so I went into the disabled toilet because it was hardly ever used so I thought it'd be clean.
I busted out an epic shit, it felt like I shat out a bricklayers arm. I felt refreshed afterwards. It flushed with no problems and I left the toilet and went back to my bar stool at the other side of the bar.
Then the stench started to seep from the toilet and linger around the pub and about 50 people finished their beers in a hurry and left as quickly as they could.

Nobody saw me go in or out of the toilet so I was never a suspect.

[Anonymous No.11039437]

>>11039096
Diarrhea

[Anonymous No.11039448]

>>11039096
For me, nicotine, caffeine, carbonated beverages, and fiber-rich (insoluble will pass through quicker, but can actually contribute to blockage supposedly, so avoid beans, corn, or greens) foods usually do the trick.

The most important: lots and lots of water. I've only ever been constipated when I was just forcing myself to hold it so I didn't have to shit in a hole or a nasty bathroom, though.

[Anonymous No.11039466]

>>11039096
Oh yeah, high sodium diet combined with LOTS of water (No less than 4 liters, no more than say 6 spread out over the day) will actually lower water potential in your bowels, forcing water into them which softens stool.

They make things like
>>11039122
Or magnesium sulfate specifically for this purpose, but any salts will do the trick. I doubt you want to eat a ton while constipated, so stick to something like using extra soy sauce I guess.

[Anonymous No.11039613]

>>11039259
>I didn't shit for over two months.
I really hope this is just a lie.
I haven't gone a single day of my entire life without taking a shit and feel uncomfortable even if I'm just stopped up for an hour. I'm pretty sure I would blow my brains out after two or three days of no shitting, I need closure, knowing I'm walking around with a giant pile of shit stuck up inside me would drive me crazy.

[Anonymous No.11039631]

op is probably an opiate addict. they suffer from constipation.

[Anonymous No.11039689]

>>11039613
Yeah he's just a faggot liar, nobody can go that long without shitting and still be okay

[Anonymous No.11039745]

>>11039096
Either Taco Bell or White Castle

[Anonymous No.11039759]

>>11039259

I had a similar thing happen to me when I was prescribed tons of opioids after surgery. I normally shit at exactly the same time every day, but I didn't shit for about a week once the opioid constipation kicked in (and I was too high out of my mind to really think about how dangerous it was getting). When I finally realized I needed to take a dump, I just couldn't. Tried for hours. Took laxatives, nothing. Suppositories, nothing. It started getting really painful after a while -- imagine a boulder constantly weighing against your sphincter all day. I wasn't getting any "turtle head" because for me it was just one huge turd that was far too gigantic to even poke out of my asshole. Anyway, I ended up going to the hospital when the pain got so bad that I was fucking screaming anytime I moved my lower body. They gave me a shot of methylnaltrexone to reverse the opioid constipation, then left me in the bathroom with an enema. I screamed so much. It was like giving birth. Scared the shit out of an old lady in the adjacent room. When it finally came out, it was like a fucking log flume ride. This pitch-black turd the size of a soda can. And I mean, like, a Peace Tea or Monster can, not just a Coke can.

tl;dr enemas are the best if you use them right, though if it's opioid-induced, go to a hospital and ask for methylnaltrexone

[Anonymous No.11039793]

>>11039689
>>11039613
I have no proof to offer you, but I assure you it is the truth. The turds were so massive that I was simply in awe of what I'd just done. While they were sliding out I had to sort of wrangle my asshole with one finger to get them to come out at a consistent pace. Like I said, I wish I'd taken pictures. And if you don't think a person could go that long without shitting, consider Elvis Presley or John Wayne. I think Wayne had like 4 lbs of impacted feces in his intestines at his time of death.

[Anonymous No.11039914]

>>11039759
>size of a Peace Tea can
I bet your butthole was never the same

[Anonymous No.11040017]

>>11039222
Juice prunes, you loon.

[Anonymous No.11040163]

>>11039096

Santiagos green chili

[Anonymous No.11040208]

>>11039259
I tore my rectum back when I was still doing dope because I got so constipated. The shit was just too huge and I felt something tear, then my asshole was literally pouring blood into the toilet until the water was straight red. Took a few months to completely heal, and I'd still feel it tear a little bit every time I shat.

Miralax, mineral oil, and lots of water was my remedy after that.

[Anonymous No.11040217]

>>11039759
>I normally shit at exactly the same time every day

you know...you probably don't even think about this, but its like an angel blessed your life. as a person who has suffered from IBS his whole life, you don't know how envious I am.

>have horrible, straining, pebble shits for the last 3 days
>just chilling out an hour ago
>welp, time to get ultra diarrhea out of nowhere with no warning, and I didn't eat anything bad today

: |

[Anonymous No.11040220]

>>11039759
pic related

[Anonymous No.11041245]

>>11039096
3 egg omelette with raw onions and sriracha sauce, plus black coffee and a cigarette after. prepare your loins.

[Anonymous No.11041289]

>>11039096
>insulin

worked for me

[Anonymous No.11041425]

>>11039096
Fiber, coffee and cigarettes.

[Anonymous No.11041950]

>>11039122
This stuff tastes vile but it does the trick.

[Anonymous No.11041962]

>>11039759
removing impacted stools is a very common procedure at the hospitals. it something doctors and nurses don't talk about much.

[Anonymous No.11041981]

Buy a jar of pickles and eat as many as you can. Chase them down with pickle juice. The sodium content basically causes a bowel purge afterwards. You could probably just drink salted water but that's not /ck/ related

[Anonymous No.11041985]

>>11039096
cutting back my opioid use usually does the trick

[Anonymous No.11042003]

>>11039096
I am surprised nobody mentioned Psyllium husk yet
You can buy that shit at any health store for dirt cheap

[Anonymous No.11042004]

Just poop, lmao

[Anonymous No.11042140]

>>11039096
Easily constipated anon here
My remedies are;
- as much coffee as possible supplemented by drinking a lot of water to compensate for the water you pee/sweat out
- Olive oil, this seems comical to let your poop slide out easier but it actually works
- a LOT of fibre, make your whole diet revolve around fibre intake: apples, oranges, prunes wherever possible and oatmeal at least once a day + fibre rich nuts if you're feeling like it
- exercise more often to get things going

if this doesnt work just put stool softener powder in water and drink that salty shit up

[Anonymous No.11042192]

Going keto has a side effect of reducing constipation as you don't eat pure white flour/rice/candy and you drink a lot of water.

[Anonymous No.11042215]

>tfw haven't had a proper bowel movement in almost a month
>a little bit gets out but something seems stuck, and I'm definitely not shitting as much as I ate
>laxatives, enemas do nothing
>not sure if it's a blockage or ibs or what
>was uncomfortable at first but mostly feel fine now
>no insurance so no doctor. Can't really go to the ER unless I'm in pain or shitting blood

Sort of hope this doesn't kill me

[Anonymous No.11042218]

>>11042215
literally me, not even kidding

[Anonymous No.11042246]

>>11042215
>>11042218
Based /noshit/ bros
We're all gonna make it

[Anonymous No.11042254]

>>11042215
Call me crazy, but a visit to the doc might be in order here.
Also, have you tried magnesium citrate? Cheap at Walgreens/whatever and if that doesn't blow you out, you have a dam in your asshole. Read up on it and be prepared with a couple nice rolls of Charmin and a few warm washcloths.

[Anonymous No.11042304]

Sodium picosulphate, AKA Picoprep. It’s used to completely empty the GI tract to prepare for colonoscopies and other colorectal procedures. You can get it over the counter and it’s not expensive.

[Anonymous No.11042325]

>>11042254
Magnesium, miralax, stool softeners, vaseline, I've done it all. A regular gp would just say the same shit, take laxatives, and order an xray I can't afford. It was opiates + major life stress causing ibs I know it, but I've been clean for weeks.

The closest thing that seems to get some rocks out is a milk and molasses enema. That's actually what they do it at the hospital and it's hardcore, but it definitely works better than anything else. Fuckin hurts though. Some days I feel like I'm making progress and other days I'm sure I'm going to die of sepsis. I'm putting off the hospital visit but it's inevitable if this keeps up.

[Anonymous No.11042333]

>>11042325
>opiates
I think we've discovered the problem. You need to lay a chinga baby. Good luck.

[Anonymous No.11042589]

>>11042215
Should've gotten obamacare

[Anonymous No.11042606]

>>11042325
What kind of "hospital" gives milk and molasses enemas? That sounds like some kind of alt-hippie BS up there with crystal healing. Regular enemas I can see, but not fucking molasses...

[Anonymous No.11042619]

>>11042325
Milk and molasses enemas sound like a Persian torture tactic. That's some next level shit.

[Anonymous No.11042643]

>>11042325
>>11042606
>milk and molasses enemas
Good lord I hope you're both kidding. It's milk of magnesia.

[Anonymous No.11042654]

>>11042643
Well griddle my flapjacks and call me Johnny apparantly a milk and molasses enema is a thing.

[Anonymous No.11042714]

>>11039096
Taco Bell

[Anonymous No.11042969]

>>11039096
https://www.amazon.com/gp/customer-reviews/R3FTHSH0UNRHOH/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_viewpnt?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B00DE4GWWY#R3FTHSH0UNRHOH
not sure if it will unplug your butt hole so it might be lethal

[Anonymous No.11043324]

[Anonymous No.11043873]

>>11039104
Cigs , coffee and take a walk. Works every time for me but I am regular most if the time

[Anonymous No.11043981]

>>11041981
Can confirm. Had a pickle juice drinking contest with my buddy at work because we used up a 5 lb. Bucket of pickle chips.

We both were pissing out of our butts the rest of our shift

[Anonymous No.11043990]

>>11043873
>take a walk
Why would you want to loosen your bowels right before taking a walk? Sounds like pants crap city to be honest.

[Anonymous No.11043993]

Pepper in hot milk

[Anonymous No.11043995]

>>11043324
K I N O

[Anonymous No.11044001]

>>11043990
You have it backwards. Taking a walk loosens the bowels, thus being an effective treatment for constipation.....which is what OP asked for. You don't have to travel far, just walk in circles or something.

[Anonymous No.11044017]

>>11042606
Look it up. They do it at nursing homes too.

[Anonymous No.11044388]

REPORTING IN
>drank two cups of coffee about an hour ago
>nothing to eat, just drank water
>fast forward to 5 minutes ago
>rush to toilet
>don't think i can make it, start pulling down pants pre-emptively (also put the seat down ahead of time)
>sit down extremely fast, know it'll be spray and pray
>slightly off target
>MAYDAY MAYDAY
>CAN'T ABORT
>shit slightly onto the toilet seat, smashing my ass into it
>majority goes into toilet
So there was some cleanup afterward, but overall I'd say coffee is your best bet.

[Anonymous No.11044559]

Aside from >>11042215 you people don't know true hell.

Despite all my best health efforts and incorporation into my daily life I still get chronic constipation and am experiencing it now. I have no obstructions or anything just prone to it, experiencing my worst one yet. No remedies are budging. My stomach is completely numb.

[Anonymous No.11044791]

>>11039378
Can contest to this if you eat like a pound or more of carrots and drink water they will blast through you in less than 24 hours

[Anonymous No.11044826]

>>11039096
Drink lots of water, dose yourself with caffeine, take a walk.

[Anonymous No.11044838]

>>11039259
>>11040208

See these are the stories dare should have told us to keep us off drugs

"Don't do dope kids, otherwise you will literally tear your anus. You aren't fags, are you kids?"

[Anonymous No.11044844]

Just take some laxatives and push really hard. Fuck home remedies and fuck prunes.

[Anonymous No.11044871]

>>11039259
Thank you for this story, junkie anon. I will never forget your great triumph.

[Anonymous No.11044893]

>>11044001
How do I have it backwards?
I didn't say it wouldn't be an effective treatment for constipation.
I said it sounds like a good way to accidentally crap your pants in public.
After having that happen to me once back in college I never smoked and drank coffee while walking around again, just do that stuff when near a bathroom now (in fact almost all my cigarette smoking I do while sitting on the toilet).

[Anonymous No.11045042]

>>11039096
Beer one night, coffee the next morning.

Apparently stouts are best

[Anonymous No.11045046]

>>11045042
Oh, also cold water after the coffee