/ck/ - Food & Cooking

[Anonymous No.11017443]

Someone hands you one egg and says "Impress me."

What do you make?

[Anonymous No.11017451]

>>11017443
>clench my fist, smashing the shell and dripping egg all over my feet
>"often that which impresses us the most... Is that which we expect the least"
>pivot on my heel and walk away whistling

[Anonymous No.11017453]

I’d make an “eggcellent” meal!
lol

[Anonymous No.11017456]

>>11017453
Hey, that yolk was all white.

[Anonymous No.11017458]

>>11017453
Are you german by any chance.

[Anonymous No.11017459]

>>11017456
holy shit

[Anonymous No.11017462]

>>11017451
kino

[Anonymous No.11017472]

>>11017443
Make it stand up straight on the table.

[Anonymous No.11017483]

fancy egg salad.

that drug-addled and/or metally ill stranger who's accosting people with eggs will be impressed.

[Anonymous No.11017508]

>>11017483
remove that slice of bread

the stranger may be doing keto

[Anonymous No.11017723]

>>11017443

An omelet, in the classic french style.

[Anonymous No.11017742]

>>11017443
I throw that filthy egg in the trash and hand that mother fucker some nail scissors

[Anonymous No.11017769]

>>11017443
I incubate the egg and care for it until it grows into a chick. Then I take care of the chick for 2-3 months until it grows. Then I'll buy rooster semen to impregnate the now fully-grown chicken. After that I wait for it to lay an egg, and from that egg I will repeat the circle once again until I have 100's of eggs and I then I will surround myself with all the egg and open a stall selling egg omelette on white bread.

[Anonymous No.11017860]

>>11017443
>Someone hands you one egg and says "Impress me."
I fit the egg into my mouth and swallow it whole, egg and all. 8 hours later I poop out a single man-egg and sell it to the highest bidder to study the first egg a man has ever laid.

[Anonymous No.11017865]

I put int in my anus without breaking it

[Anonymous No.11017879]

>>11017451
>not tapping your cane before pivoting, making sure to throw your cape in their face dramatically as you turn

not impressed

[Anonymous No.11017886]

>>11017508
>mentally ill stranger accosting people with eggs
>on keto
checks out

[Anonymous No.11017887]

>>11017865
Nobody's impressed with rolling a golf ball down a driveway. How is this different?

[Anonymous No.11017892]

put it under my foreskin

[Anonymous No.11017971]

>>11017892
put it under my fiveskin

[Anonymous No.11018191]

>>11017443
Swallow the egg whole.

[Anonymous No.11018297]

>>11017508
What's the deal with carbs, bread or flour is a staple in many cultures like France or Morocco and they're not morbidly obese. Keto is a fucking meme and a sad excuse.

[Anonymous No.11018319]

>>11017443
I’d shove it right up me bing bing hole and say “Look! A human chicken!” Id squat down like a slav and duck walk across the floor yelling “A coodle doodle doo a coodle doodle doo!” While forcing the egg out me ass and onto the floor

[Anonymous No.11018325]

>>11018319
same

[Anonymous No.11018362]

>>11017451
https://youtu.be/SHhrZgojY1Q

[Anonymous No.11018384]

>>11017443
souffle, duh.

[Anonymous No.11018410]

Hand back the egg,
"The impression is all mine."
Then stand looking at this fucking midget with a normal sized egg.

[Anonymous No.11018483]

>>11017443
Scotch Egg.

[Anonymous No.11018501]

I suck it through a straw

[Anonymous No.11018580]

>>11018319
The only right response

[Anonymous No.11018587]

>>11017443
>Unzip dick
>Make a chicken

[Anonymous No.11018593]

>>11018319
Based and redpilled Diogenes poster

[Anonymous No.11018622]

You don't have to say anything, but you do have to eat ALL the egg

[Anonymous No.11018645]

>>11017443
Shirred egg

[Anonymous No.11018743]

Making it stand upright.

[Anonymous No.11018868]

egg tartare

[Anonymous No.11018885]

>>11017443
Unironically first thing that came to my mind is splash it into my face. Yes I'm stupid and often do things to make fool of myself in public, fuck off

[Anonymous No.11018931]

>>11017443
https://youtu.be/wqDaZsgR5zg
cook it yourself

[Anonymous No.11018938]

Crack the egg into a glass, add hot sauce and wodka. Let them drink it

[Anonymous No.11018940]

>>11018885
impressive

[Anonymous No.11018959]

>sand egg.webm

[Anonymous No.11018962]

>>11017443
>be king of the egg fort
finally... my day is here

[Anonymous No.11018971]

>>11018319
based and redpilled

[Anonymous No.11018974]

>>11017443

Got the perfect recipe

https://muchozucko.com/41/You-have-to-break-a-few-eggs-to-make-an-omelette-

[Anonymous No.11018986]

>>11018974
She would be quite attractive if she would just stop smiling

[Anonymous No.11018994]

I dunno.

How about you, OP? What do you make?

[Anonymous No.11018998]

>>11017443
A chicken.

[Anonymous No.11019090]

>>11017462

[Anonymous No.11019110]

>>11017443
I explode the egg using my willpower alone.
Top that faggots.

[Anonymous No.11019135]

>>11017860
It would digest by your stomach acids or explode in your asshole and cut you up like tiny shards of glass.

I’d be impressed by the latter scenario.

[Anonymous No.11019142]

>>11017971
Hola reddito.

[Anonymous No.11019148]

>>11017462
>>11017451
>>>/r/eddit

[Anonymous No.11019370]

>>11018319
Based and red-pilled.

[Anonymous No.11019382]

>>11017443
I smash it onto their head and smile, but then I'd soon stop smiling once I realize I'm not in a fucking sitcom. Why did I think that was funny. Everybody hates me now.

[Anonymous No.11019389]

>>11018868
underrated

[Anonymous No.11019622]

>>11017443
make it disappear.

[Anonymous No.11019640]

>>11017443
I make a roast chicken given a couple years or however long chickens live for

[Anonymous No.11019665]

I put the egg down and pull out a small board and a knob of butter from my travel pack, place the egg on the board and then with the butter I lubricate my urethra and then I insert the entire egg into my bladder and piss out a baby rooster

[Anonymous No.11019821]

>>11019142
>puns = reddit
Found the retard.

[Anonymous No.11019832]

>>11019382
ftpbp

[Anonymous No.11020203]

>>11017443
lemonade

[Anonymous No.11020775]

a poached egg on toast. maybe with avocado.

[Anonymous No.11020790]

>>11020775
>that's 200 hundred dollarrrs brro !

[Anonymous No.11020797]

>>11017443

A scotch egg

[Anonymous No.11020971]

>>11017723
A one egg omelette?

[Anonymous No.11020975]

>>11017769
EGG GUY: THE EGGWAKENING

[Anonymous No.11020985]

>>11020975
theme: escaping without breaking what you love the most

[Anonymous No.11020997]

>>11017443
beh, everytime this thumbnail pops up I think it's an oiled up butt

[Anonymous No.11021003]

Hand it to gordon ramsay

[Anonymous No.11021021]

>>11018410

[Anonymous No.11021050]

Demonstrate my value by firing it out of my asshole into Gordon Ramsay's mouth.

[Anonymous No.11021365]

>>11017456
It's okay to be white.

[Anonymous No.11021368]

>>11020975
>EGG GUY: THE EGGWAKENING
>not Egg Gut: The Aweggening

[Anonymous No.11021385]

>>11021368
i don't wanna see egg gut: the aweggening
if it sounds like what its implying

[Anonymous No.11021407]

>>11021385
Well, "gut" was a typo, I meant "guy", but you have a point. Egg gut sounds scary.

[Anonymous No.11021424]

>>11017443
I'll make a sunny-side up egg and cook it correctly without crispy edges, then murder my family to see if I can do it.

[Anonymous No.11021426]

>>11017443
Sure are a lot of uncultured swine in here.
>The only answer that will impress.

[Anonymous No.11021440]

>>11017443
I go clip my nails and wash underneath them first because those are fucking disgusting

[Anonymous No.11021443]

>>11017443
eggs woodhouse

[Anonymous No.11021464]

get out without breaking the egg

[Anonymous No.11021480]

You don't have to tell me what happened but you have to eat this

*hands them a bowl of eggs*

[Anonymous No.11021483]

>>11021480
This post kills the crab.

[Anonymous No.11022610]

jam & egg sandwich

[Anonymous No.11022615]

tell him to put an egg in his shoe and beat it

[Anonymous No.11022632]

>>11017443
I draw a little face on it and throw my voice, making the egg say, "Go fuck yourself you demanding dickwipe."

[Anonymous No.11022674]

>>11017443
Do i get other ingredients or just spices?

[Anonymous No.11022788]

>>11020971
Why not, that egg is huge.

[Anonymous No.11022857]

>>11017462
Do you mean Keto?

[Anonymous No.11022974]

>>11017443
I'll fart the alphabet and keep the egg.
I'm a man of many talents.

[Anonymous No.11022990]

>>11017443
I’d smash the egg into that person’s face or make vid related
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNLPXzlz6-I

[Anonymous No.11024183]

>>11017443
Inject my sperm into the egg, incubate until a homunculus grows.

[Anonymous No.11025371]

>>11017443
Deviled egg, two ways.
Actually fuck it, I'd just slap that egg into that fuckers face.

[Anonymous No.11025377]

>>11017443
I wanna post that webm of the anime guy sticking eggs up a girls ass, punching her in the stomach causing them to drop into a bowl then stirs them with his dick. But it's like .3 mb too big.

[Anonymous No.11025419]

>>11019382
i thought i was alone

[Anonymous No.11025452]

>>11025377
just post it on /gif/ and link it here.

[Anonymous No.11025745]

>>11017443
dude what the fuck is wrong with your fingernails

[Anonymous No.11025752]

>>11017886
YOU HAVE TO COOK ALL OF THE EGGS

[Anonymous No.11026096]

>>11021443
My fucking man.

[Anonymous No.11026106]

>>11017443
Duck egg mayo. purple star quality.

[Anonymous No.11026110]

>>11025745
what the fuck is it with you reddit faggots that insist on sperging out over fucking fingernails every time a picture of a hand is posted

[Anonymous No.11026131]

>>11017443
Put it into my pussy and lay it.

[Anonymous No.11026140]

>>11018297
Americans are all fat as fuck but instead of just eating less they go on fad diets.

[Anonymous No.11026146]

>>11026110
dude what the fuck is wrong with your fingernails

[Anonymous No.11026765]

>>11017443
I wonder how that egg smells, do you think it smells like the backside of the chicken who laid it haha

[Anonymous No.11026770]

Honestly I'd just try to shove it in my ass...

[Anonymous No.11026784]

[Anonymous No.11026900]

>>11018319
so based

[Anonymous No.11026914]

>>11019821
>anon says foreskin
>TEEHEE 5SKIN!!!
No, that’s why I called you reddito, reddito.

[Anonymous No.11026937]

>>11026765

[Anonymous No.11027047]

Eggs Benedict. I'm actually related to the guy who invented it.

[Anonymous No.11027139]

>>11027047
wiki has a bunch dating back before 1900s but i hope youre not related to this guy, which reads like it started the 'and then everyone clapped' meme:

>In an interview recorded in the "Talk of the Town" column of The New Yorker in 1942, the year before his death,[3] Lemuel Benedict, a retired Wall Street stock broker, said that he had wandered into the Waldorf Hotel in 1894 and, hoping to find a cure for his morning hangover, ordered "buttered toast, poached eggs, crisp bacon, and a hooker of hollandaise". Oscar Tschirky, the maître d'hôtel, was so impressed with the dish that he put it on the breakfast and luncheon menus but substituted ham for the bacon and a toasted English muffin for the toast.[4]

[Anonymous No.11027241]

>>11018986
I think it's cute. Her mismatched eye sizes match her innocent smile

[Anonymous No.11027891]

hand it back to the person. eggs are already impressive on their own.

[Anonymous No.11027914]

>>11027047
>t. Benedict Arnold

[Anonymous No.11027922]

>>11017886
BTFO

[Anonymous No.11027924]

make him a taylor ham egg and cheese and if he dont like leave him stranded in the pine barrens

[Anonymous No.11027923]

>>11027047
Why do all white people think they're related to the guy who invited eggs benedict?

[Anonymous No.11027933]

>>11017769
Okay there capitalist

[Anonymous No.11027950]

>>11017443
>"And did you lay this egg yourself fresh this morning?"
>"No Chef."
>"Fuck me. What am I supposed to do with this shit, shove it up your ass?".

[Anonymous No.11027963]

>>11027923
Because I'm a Cherokee, you facist.

[Anonymous No.11027970]

>>11027047
Yeah and my grandfather invented the cobb salad.

[Anonymous No.11027992]

>>11017451
Do you realize how hard it is to crush an egg in your fist? Go try it right now and get back to me,

[Anonymous No.11028015]

>>11027992
Not always.

[Anonymous No.11028039]

>>11027992
it's easy. do you have little girl hands?

[Anonymous No.11028053]

>>11027992
heheh

[Anonymous No.11028054]

>>11027992
I can't do it guys. Its to strong for me to break... so I drew a smiley face on instead. Cx

[Anonymous No.11028061]

>>11027992
Crushing an egg in your fist is extremely easy. Don't be a retard and apply even force, just press harder on one side than the other.

[Anonymous No.11028083]

>>11017451
>and then my 8yo daughter asked me: "is this drumpf's america?"
>then the eggs silently clapped

[Anonymous No.11028170]

>>11017443
Classic french omelette:

Whip it with salt and black pepper until yolk and white are one then add chopped chives
On a crepe pan on medium low heat with a 1/2t of butter
Once completely melted and spread arround, add the egg and then using a wooden fork or chopsticks make an 8 figure while moving the pan back and forth to limit the size of the curds
Once you can see holes forming tilt the pan to fill them all in
Let it sit for a few seconds and then separate the edge furthest from you from the pan and then roll towards yourself
Once the omelet is resting against the rivets of the handle, move the pan as if you're going to pan flip a crepe but hold your hand half an inch above the pan making the handle of the pan hit it thus transferring all the force to the egg and making it rotate
Repeat until omelete resembles a really long football
Turn off the heat
Now hold the pan handle like you would hold a knife to stab somebody on the clavicle and flip the omelette onto a plate like if you were pushing a lever
Voilá motherfucker

[Anonymous No.11028182]

>>11017451
Tell me, which do you most can't the least? Additionally, and how do you value do contribute of to at the workforce

[Anonymous No.11028210]

>>11026914
>2018
>Not enjoying the 2nd term in the sequence iSkin, i=4 to infinity, i an element of the set of natural numbers

[Anonymous No.11028242]

>>11028210
But does the sequence converge?

[Anonymous No.11028283]

id swallow it whole

[Anonymous No.11028294]

>>11027970
You're Related to Ty Cobb?

[Anonymous No.11028342]

>>11028294
Fuck you, nigger!

[Anonymous No.11028345]

>>11028342
How did Raimi get away with this?

[Anonymous No.11028354]

>>11027992
I hope you are just baiting. Otherwise your ass needs to see a fucking physician

[Anonymous No.11028368]

A chicken

[Anonymous No.11029568]

>>11017443
Omlette

[Anonymous No.11029615]

>>11027992
>those replies taking you seriously
kek. both funny and also a bit sad.

[Anonymous No.11029620]

>>11029615
Why would you assume he's lying? The internet is serious business.

[Anonymous No.11029692]

>>11017456
Hello quagmire

[Anonymous No.11030067]

I crack it into a glass and drink it

[Anonymous No.11030083]

>omelette du fromage

[Anonymous No.11030091]

>>11028061
Don't be a retard and realize that he was just trying to make the poster he was responding to waste an egg and make a mess.

[Anonymous No.11030198]

>>11018410

[Anonymous No.11031478]

>>11018319
so red pilled

[Anonymous No.11032251]

>>11018319
you got a loicense for that, m8?

[Anonymous No.11032368]

>>11017443
I will look at the egg, thinking how I ended in such a situation.
How I've probably wasted three years of work on nothing, how I ended up there, more than a quarter of century old but still alone.
Approaching wizardry while craving human contact, unable to do one of the most basic things a normal person, no, even an animal can do.
Always missing someone that could give me just a touch, something nice in this universe, an universe created, according to Chinese tales of old, from an egg not dissimilar to the one I am holding in hand.
Recognizing that my stupid existence will continue in this way, I give back the egg to the one who gave me it first, saying "Sorry".
Then I will walk away.

[Anonymous No.11032386]

>>11017443
There's a fusion of the way I was raised to make eggs, and eggy in a basket that everyone I know loves.

Starting with the eggs, you'll only need one egg for each serving. For every two eggs, add a tablespoon of flour and a tablespoon of sour cream. You may want to add these components gradually, as it takes quite a bit of experience to get them mixed in a timely manner, especially the flour.

The bread should be something crunchy, but a slice loaf will do as long as there are some whole grains in it (as distinct from "whole grain" bread). Cut a hole in the center of each slice with a shotglass, and then conservatively apply a little mayo to both sides.

Heat a pan to around medium heat, then drop in as many slices of bread as you can manage at one time. Give the bread about a minute to crisp up, then pour in just enough egg mixture into the holes cut in the center to fill the hole. As long as you've kept the bread moving a bit, the pan should be adequately greased. Once that initial layer of egg sets, dump an equal amount into each hole and the remainder over the surface of the bread, letting it soak in. Turn the heat down to about a 2 and cover, checking periodically. You're looking to set the eggs on top so you can flip these bad-boys.

Once they've set, add one tablespoon of butter, and lightly fry them until you're left with what is essentially a savory french toast.

Serving can be done in a number of ways. I prefer mine with caramelized onions or any home-made basil tomato sauce that can be thrown together. Other savory preparations include blanched beans and caraway seeds, or whatever unctuous cheese you have around. Sweep preparations work best with fresh fruit or preserves, or even just a light brushing of honey in a pinch.

[Anonymous No.11033074]

>>11018319
nice Arrested Development reference bro

[Anonymous No.11034064]

>>11028210
huehue beisek mas ez funee hue

[Anonymous No.11034090]

>>11017769
The Rise of the Surly King

[Anonymous No.11034710]

>>11017443
>put egg on cutting board
>impress their face into the egg
>call the cops on this home invader

[Anonymous No.11036546]

>>11017443
I make me a perfect fried egg on toast and eat it why would I give it back.

[Anonymous No.11036570]

>pretend I have a danish accent
>put the egg in a plate
>set a bunch of foraged herbs and flowers and a little pile of seasoning around it
>maybe throw in some rotten stuff or insects for good measure
>bring the plate to the table with a miniature burner and pan
>"you have to make it yourself sir, in fine dining the whole point is the experience"
>mfw

[Anonymous No.11036575]

>>11017443
>place in bowl
>ask her to eat
>score stanky stanky poon

[Anonymous No.11036580]

>>11036570
But tis it true or are you some commercial livestock ready for butcher?

[Anonymous No.11036861]

>>11017443
I've got you covered

[Anonymous No.11036868]

>>11036570
How much is this culinary delight going to cost me?

[Anonymous No.11036954]

I start crying uncontrollably, tap my heels and slice them to pieces with my heel blade. I'm rock hard.

[Anonymous No.11037330]

>>11017443
bit of a cheat, but i wont tell if you dont! ;)

STEP ONE
purchase a couple of sous vide machines from amazon, ebay, whichever suits you best. they really are the most versatile machine that everyone should have in their kitchen. perfect for all foods, from pears to rice.
STEP TWO
you want to go ahead and use at least 7 eggs for this method otherwise you wont get the yield youre looking for. separate the whites from the yolks, and place into separate bowls (duh)
STEP THREE
whisk the whites to get a bit of air into them, and do the same for the yolks to bring them together into what is effectively one giant yolk
STEP FOUR
now the problem with the giant yolk, is that it does not retain its original shape. its a liquid, not a nice sphere of yolk. this is easy to fix. soak a little gelatin in water to activate it, and boil it down in some water. once it has dissolved, let it cool, and then add it to your yolk mixture
STEP FIVE
pour some canola oil into a large bowl or tube container. i use a large vase, but obviously that isnt technically a kitchen item. it just worked well due to its volume and shape. put the oil into the fridge, and let it cool down so it is more viscous.
STEP SIX
take your gelatin yolk, and pour it into the chilled oil. this will create a giant yolk sphere, which you can then fish out with a slatted spoon. place the giant yolk into a bag for vacuum sealing. place the whites in to bag in the same way. vacuum seal both.
STEP SEVEN
have the sous vides set to 35 and 45 for whites and yolks respectively. place the bags into the appropriate baths, and cook for 1 hour 35 minutes a piece.
STEP EIGHT
remove both from the baths, remove from bags, and get a plate out for service
FINAL STEP - SERVICE
lay the whites onto a plate, and then lay your giant yolk into the centre of the whites, and voila! you have yourself a perfectly cooked, giant egg.]

[Anonymous No.11037382]

>>11017443
Tell him "I am vegan".

[Anonymous No.11037384]

>put it in my butt
>spit it out my mouth

[Anonymous No.11037440]

>>11017443
I crack open the egg and cook it on the sidewalk.

[Anonymous No.11037481]

>>11036868
How much do you have?

[Anonymous No.11037618]

>>11017443
Skidne æg

[Anonymous No.11039244]

>>11034064
Are you a math major Wendy's chef who makes 300k a year? How many triple integrations did you have to do to compose your magnificent post?

[Anonymous No.11040046]

>>11028182
Skwisgar, did you write these questions?

[Anonymous No.11040086]

>>11036861
how he enter?!

[Anonymous No.11040264]

>>11017456
It's alright if it's all white.

[Anonymous No.11040429]

>>11017453
>>11017456

[Anonymous No.11040461]

>>11017443
My special, scrambled eggs with french onion dip and fresh parsley leaves.

[Anonymous No.11040809]

>>11019090
>>11019148
Do you even know what kino means?
Fucking summerfaggot I swear to god.

[Anonymous No.11040828]

Eggs Rogan with a side of DMT

[Anonymous No.11040860]

Beat it with some milk and scramble adding a pinch of rosemary or thyme, maybe half/half pinch. Then add a generous Tb spoon of cheese wiz as it is almost done. Continues to cook until melted wiz is not soupy. No "real cheese". SnP of course.

[Anonymous No.11040955]

you already kno what the fuck is gonna happen

[Anonymous No.11041648]

Probably over easy on toast.

[Anonymous No.11042275]

>>11018974
at the second part of the vid she get rape no?

[Anonymous No.11042286]

>>11040955
>filename
ruined it bro

[Anonymous No.11043268]

>>11018297
The only bread americans have is toast. Grain bread is fine

[Anonymous No.11043285]

>>11017443
Stuff it in my peehole and wait until it ferments then tada you got yourself a cocktail

[Anonymous No.11043298]

>>11017443
Tortilla de Americano

A Spanish tortilla with thinly sliced bacon jowel, Yukon gold potatoes, sweet frying peppers, and of course fresh slivers of garlic. Serve with a warmly spiced tomato and green olive chutney.

[Anonymous No.11043305]

>>11017769
but how will you get out without breaking the eggs?

[Anonymous No.11043319]

>>11017443
Eggs benedict