Dumbass cooking mistakes you've hade

[Anonymous No.10955927]

>Dropped cold uncut sticks of butter in a hot stock pot

[Anonymous No.10955943]

>>10955927
*made

[Anonymous No.10955947]

>>10955927
Burned the toast

[Anonymous No.10955964]

>rubbed steak with iodized salt

[Anonymous No.10955969]

>>10955927
Forgot to hold down the top of the blender. Everywhere

[Anonymous No.10955973]

>>10955927
>trying to make japanese honey sponge cake
>ok this'll be easy
>throw everything in the electric mixer
>beat it way too long
> put it in the pan with parchment paper, follow recipe's oven instructions exactly
>it doesn't look done
>recipe says to flip it out of the pan
>okay
>cake batter leaks out from inside
>scoop it off the counter back on top of the now miscarried cake
>throw it back in the oven, checking every 7 or so minutes
>takes an hour and 15 more minutes to fucking cook
>chewy as fuck, tastes like flan
I felt like killing myself

[Nicholas Parry (Orlando, FL) No.10955985]

>>10955927
>at work
>dropped my Rick and Morty fidget spinner in a pizza
>baked and delivered it
>had to give my tip back plus more for their troubles when I delivered a new pie
I'll never forget that day ;_;

[Anonymous No.10955995]

>>10955985
>Rick and Morty
Shit, I'd have made you give me all of your tips you made that night.

[Nicholas Parry (Orlando, FL) No.10956000]

>>10955995
I actually ended up doing that and money from my own wallet to try and make them happy :(

[Anonymous No.10956087]

>>10956000
Wait I thought who ever cooks and delivers the pizza are different people

[Nicholas Parry (Orlando, FL) No.10956094]

>>10956087
Usually your right but we were short staffed and I was the only one with a valid driver's license that weekend.

[Anonymous No.10956126]

>be me on one late night
>know nothing about cooking yet want to experiment because of all of the cooking shows I watched
>decide to boil some minute rice and go from there
>add a pinch of salt and cayenne and set it to boil
>notice some leftover sweet and sour pineapple chicken from supper
>get the bright idea to toss it into the pot with the rice
>"Just to heat it through", I think to myself
>end up vigorously stirring it in
>in a matter of seconds, it becomes an ungodly mixture of partly cooked rice, stringy chicken and mushy pineapple
>I realize my horrible mistake and try to drain the weird soupy water on top
>dump half of the mixture into the sink by accident
>feel like throwing the rest out
>fuckitnogoingbacknow.dll
>load the mess into a bowl and dump a half of a jar of sweet and sour sauce onto the abomination
>me being the dumb fuck I was I made way too much of it for one sitting
>the texture was unpleasant in every sense of the word; mushy, gristly, crunchy, watery.
>only manage to chew a few spoonfulls of the pilaf from hell before throwing the rest into the garbage
>feel like shit for wasting food, but I couldn't have possibly finished it
>end up having a Michelina's for dinner
>go to bed full of regret and self-hatred

[Anonymous No.10956156]

>>10955927
I tried microwaving a jar of peanut butter. It caught on fire because there was leftover foil on the rim.

Guess that's partially my mom's fault too for thinking it needs to be refrigerated, so we always wake up to rock-hard peanut butter.

[Anonymous No.10956221]

>>10956156
Next time, put it in a plastic measuring cup

[Anonymous No.10956227]

>>10956221
>microwaving plastic
no, anon. that's also bad.

[Anonymous No.10956267]

>had to make the cake for my brother's birthday this year
>forgot to stir the can frosting by it was so long since making box cake
>cake starts to disintegrates...
Luckily I had the ingredients to make a chocolate buttercream frosting
>...using m&ms
>amount of frosting turned out to be very generous
>and so rich it could just buy New York
>And it had bits of m&m shells
> m&ms in question were Christmas m&ms

[Anonymous No.10956309]

>>10956156
Why? Was the dog cold?

[Anonymous No.10956433]

>>10956227
>he doesn't have stainless steel measuring cups

[Anonymous No.10956447]

>>10955927
>be just learned you love to cook
>about to learn you’re the biggest air-head fuck you’ve ever met

>decide you really want no bake oatmeal cookies
>immediately had for the kitchen
>all prepared
>roll balls of oatmeal in butter and Butterscoth Jello
>place those yummy bitches on a pan
>miss read instructions: add a cup of baking soda
>start baking no bake cookies
>come back 45 mins later
>horrid smell, toasty oatmeal
>dump whole pan into the trash with whole senpai laughing at you
>fuckingkillmyself.jpg
>mfw

[Anonymous No.10956479]

>>10956433
...anon.

[Anonymous No.10956508]

>>10956447
>>be just learned you
Reassess your life.

[Anonymous No.10956818]

>>10956126
I'm so sorry anon.

It's ok. Youll do better next time

[Anonymous No.10956835]

>>10955927
>Dicing habanero peppers to put into the taco meat I'm cooking
>Add the peppers, oh shit gotta take a massive piss.
>Enter bathroom, unzip, start pissing......
>INTENSE PAIN!

Always wash the hands anon, always wash the hands.

[Anonymous No.10956836]

>>10955927
Boiled potatoes in bleach and accidentally poured it on my 6 month old baby.

[Anonymous No.10956839]

Put a dish towel over my hand to get toast out of the toaster oven. It caught on fire and I threw it on the floor and screamed while flailing my arms and stomping on it.

[Anonymous No.10956841]

uh well i attempted to cook some top ramen,so i beat the bag and placed it inside a bowl and put it in the microwave. yes this was back when i used the microwave. anyways i put it in there for 40 min instead of 4,winded up catching it on fire. so yea forgetting the water in my top ramen is probably what im most ashamed of.

[Anonymous No.10956846]

shaking pepper over the grill last weekend in the wind and got a shit ton in my eyes

[Anonymous No.10956848]

>friend asks me to turn on grill
>turn on all 4 burners
>walk away and come back to the biggest grease fire I’ve ever seen

Turns out he only uses two burners and rests the meat on the other side. Those burners hadn’t been turned on in months and collected a fuckton of grease. He still blames me for nearly burning down his house.

[Anonymous No.10956858]

>>10956848
You're a bad friend and an asshole for trying to get strangers to bash your nice friend.

[Anonymous No.10956860]

>>10956836
*dials cps*

[Anonymous No.10956869]

>>10956858
You’re a fucking retard. It’s just a funny thing that happened to us. We laugh about it now.

[Anonymous No.10956870]

>first time cooking beef mince
>didnt see the paper stuck to the bottom when I put it in the pan
>still failed to see until the meat was broken up and cooked through with chunks of paper through it
>oh well I've come this far
>finished cooking the bolognese and serve it to family
>they didn't notice

[Anonymous No.10956894]

>>10955927
>use crisco as anal lube
>put same tub of crisco back into pantry
>never mention it again
idk about mistake, just not proud of it.

[Anonymous No.10956897]

>>10956267
don’t post again

[Anonymous No.10956908]

>>10956870

devilish
e
v
i
l
i
s
h

[Anonymous No.10956928]

>>10955973
>tastes like flan
at least it ended well

[Anonymous No.10956936]

>>10956869
Your friend hates you and thinks you have a drinking problem and doesn't know the proper procedure to end a long term friendship with a lunatic like you.

[Nicholas Parry (Orlando, FL) No.10956987]

>>10956894
We've all been there. For me it was the peanut butter, I-can't-believe-it's-not-butter, nutella, oikos Greek yogurt, hellman's mayo, EVOO, hershey's syrup, raw dough and those beaters egg whites.

[Anonymous No.10957013]

>>10956870
Lol

[Anonymous No.10957913]

>>10956987
All at the same time, or...?

[Anonymous No.10957998]

>>10956227
Wtf? You... wtf are you talking about? Microwaveable meals come in plastic trays, this is an impressively retarded comment, you can get microwaveable plastics.

>>10956309
Ok, das funny.

[Anonymous No.10958019]

>making a custard for a dessert souffle
>milk bubbles over and burned on the edges of the pot
>fuck up the custard itself somehow and it tastes rather bland and the texture is off
>for whatever reason i put it near the faucet and somehow poured like half a cup of water into it
>pour off the excess then put the custard back onto the heat and had to cook out the excess water
>texture is completely ruined, but in the end souffle itself kinda worked out
>it rose was pretty well
i felt like a special kind of dumbass, the first souffle i made went perfectly fine and i do custards all the time, i dunno why i fucked up this one so much.

[Anonymous No.10958048]

>>10955927
Tried doing that tossing thing with an oily pan

Got some of the oil directly on my hot plate and start a little fire

[Anonymous No.10958112]

>>10955927
>forgot to tip the kitchen goblin

[Anonymous No.10958120]

>>10955927
Fucked my roux, alfredo sauce was lumpy, threw it away.

[Anonymous No.10958135]

>>10955927
>accidentally drop my talisman into the stew
>pantry ghost breaks out and rapes my mother
>the stew tasted bad also

[Anonymous No.10958511]

>>10955927
>spend whole day cooking original french onion soup
>done things like proper wine, good quality onions and homemade veal stock
>followed recipe without any kind of experimenting
>it tasted like shit, I dont think there was something wrong with it, it just isnt good food

Whole family laughted at me for throwing out everything after 2 day preparations and cooking.

[Anonymous No.10958589]

spilled boiling hot water on myself
still have a scar

[Anonymous No.10958620]

>tried to cook risotto for the first time using a really old stove
>rice somehow ended up taking three hours to cook fully
>finished by midnight, people who had been waiting for it to be done have long since gone to bed
>smelled really good but tasted like nothing and was very dry
>starving so choke down a few mouthfuls then give up

[Anonymous No.10958626]

>>10958135
happens every time

[Anonymous No.10959324]

>>10955927
>Cut into steaks to see if they were done
I was stupid when I was 13.

[Anonymous No.10959552]

>>10956126
Baby steps, anon. Don't try to improv your first time.

Start with eggs. See if you can work your way up to frittatas without killing anyone. Potatoes are also good if you've got patience. Just be sure to have 911 on speed dial until you're knife skills develop.

[Anonymous No.10959556]

>>10955927
>my first time 'reducing' to make sauce
>too hot and too long
>make molten lava

feels bad man, failing seemingly simple stuff is the worst.

[Anonymous No.10959561]

>>10956848
>walk away
See, there's your problem. Don't leave lit burners unsupervised.

[Anonymous No.10959576]

>>10959556
Reducing is actually a mid-tier skill. You need to cook it enough to get rid of the water but also not enough to burn it. Basically slow cooking a puddle. It's such a pain in the ass I usually just add a rue.

[Anonymous No.10959582]

Used to work in a kitchen that was pretty lax about cleaning the exhaust hood, grease was building up. Had a flare up and caused a fire. Got it out with a fire extinguisher but close call.

[Anonymous No.10959593]

>making sloppy joes
>ran out of joe

>making cowboy soup
>ran out of cowboy

>making ice cream
>ended up smoking all the ice and now i am a meth head piece of shit who is responsible for every single webm thread

[Anonymous No.10959609]

>>10959582
Cleaning the hood is a cast iron bitch. It's like the most volatile compounds congregated on it's surface to form new and fascinating forms of glue.

But ya need to do it.

[Anonymous No.10959621]

>>10958135
oh man, I remember the pantry ghost... what's he up to these days?

[Anonymous No.10959638]

>>10959609

[Anonymous No.10959639]

>>10955927
>> making curry
>> pan way too hot
>> add oil, start to smoke
>> though in chillies

mfw I created my own pepperspray

[Anonymous No.10959665]

>"Mom, Dad, how do you make fried chicken?"
>Just Google it, son

[Anonymous No.10959688]

>want to make hot chocolate but don't want to use hot water
>boil milk in saucepan
>leave a brown stain in it that I couldn't clean off
the hot chocolate was good tho

[Anonymous No.10960070]

>>10955927
Tried to make popcorn and the oil caught fire. Dropped the pot in a panic and burned my foot and the floor. I was like 16, to be fair

[Anonymous No.10960294]

>>10959639
I did that with chili, made tear gas

[Anonymous No.10960326]

>>10955927
>friend whos an amazing cook decides to teach me how to cook properly
>decides to show me how to do beef wellingtons and macarons
>i fuck up separating the eggs and get egg everywhere
>he shows me how to do it properly and we get started
>all going well now
>beef is smelling great
>forgot to preheat oven
>eventually get oven heated and chuck the beef in
>now we wait
>beef nearly done
>check the clock
>12:00 midnight
>look outside at the stars
>full moon
>friend turns into a werewolf
>smashes my fucking oven and grabs the beef wellingtons and runs away into the night on all fours
fucking hell

[Anonymous No.10960389]

>>10956126
damn the only excuse for shit of that caliber is substance abuse or autism

[Anonymous No.10960394]

>>10959621
Mother raping

[Anonymous No.10960436]

>>10956126
you should try again with no frills, then try boxed macaroni and cheese, again with no frills, and then try to make something a bit more scratch-made

[Anonymous No.10960456]

>be making chicken salad for the 1000th time for my ungrateful kids
>dump pack of chicken breasts in boiling water
>Kids going to bed for school tomorrow, so go to friends house to get drunk
>"ill be back in 15 minutes to finish the chicken salad"
>get a call about 2 hours later saying the house is filled with smoke
>mfw my kid wasn't dumb enough to fall asleep with the stove on
>mfw i'm telling this story from my mom's perspective

[Anonymous No.10960466]

>>10960456
*was dumb enough

[Anonymous No.10960479]

>>10955927
>set the oven on fire seasoning cast iron

[Anonymous No.10960490]

>>10960456
>ungrateful kids
Your kids never asked to be born onto this miserable earth anyway. That was your decision whether consciously or recklessly.

[Anonymous No.10960523]

>>10960490
The only objective of any species on earth is reproduction. If you don't reproduce, it reflects that your genetic code wasn't worthy of continuing.

[Anonymous No.10960558]

>put milk through a sodastream

[Anonymous No.10960596]

>parents are making bolillo in the knew oven they made at our old place
>they manage to fuck up the recipe and the bread never rises
>it just looks like a bunch of flat cookies
>they made a massive amount that we had at least a hundred of them

they tasted pretty good as cookies though

[Anonymous No.10960722]

>>10955964

[Anonymous No.10960728]

>>10956267
if you post again your banned

[Anonymous No.10960775]

>want to make macaronis for tomato soup
>"hmmm i'll just boil it with the soup, save some dishes" :)
>pour macaroni in pot with ready made tomato soup
>macaronis didn't soft at all :(

[Anonymous No.10961109]

>>10956894
did you double dip though? touch it with your anal application hand?

[Anonymous No.10961120]

>>10959593

[Anonymous No.10961139]

>>10955964
whats wrong with that?

[Anonymous No.10961157]

>>10956936
What a clever and well thought out response.

[Anonymous No.10961168]

>be about 4
>want popcorn but Mom's asleep
>let's just put in the microwave for a long time, since it always feels like it takes forever
>if it's done early, I can just take it out!
>I'm so smart
>let's see, what's the longest I can put it in for?
>100, 60, 99, wait a minute, if I fill up the timer with 9s, that should be the longest it can go!
>wow I am so smart
>press start
>this is actually kind of interesting
>no this is boring, I'll come back later
>popcorn is still popping but there's some smoke
>for some reason don't want to stop it early
>more smoke
>Mom wakes up because of the smoke
>stops the microwave while yelling at me
>says I could've burned the house down
>want to argue and tell her how smart and capable I was
>but I couldn't explain why I didn't want to stop it early
>and I knew it was dumb to not take it out when the smoke happened
>didn't get punished that badly
>but it's been 25 years and she still brings it up sometimes
now that I think about it, the way I wanted to let it run its course and my indecision over choosing between stopping it, taking it out, setting a lower time, throwing it away, waking up my mom, just letting it go, etc. was probably the earliest manifestation of my anxiety disorder, and probably helped to solidify it in the first place

[Anonymous No.10961174]

>>10960558
How was it?

[Anonymous No.10961308]

>>10960456
>boiling chicken
>kids getting ready for school
>at no point was it mentioned they were suddenly responsible for the stove
>be gone 8x as long as you said you would
>suddenly kids are ungrateful
even if it is an exaggeration you clearly fucked up and are to blame.

[Anonymous No.10961318]

>>10960490
>>10961308
>telling this story from my mom's perspective
Read you fucking nonce.

[Anonymous No.10961332]

>>10961308
So it still wasn't told correctly and there's still missing information. You're also living with your mom and you have kids? Jesus christ

[Anonymous No.10961336]

>>10961318
So it still wasn't told correctly and there's still missing information. You're also living with your mom and you have kids? Jesus christ

[Anonymous No.10961339]

I once tried to make puff pastry in a 34ºC kitchen.

[Anonymous No.10961349]

>be me in highschool
>over at gfs house
>want to melt chocolate for some reason
>set up double boiler and put the stove on med low
>it's taking a long time
>get bored
>start making out with gf on the couch in the other room
>completely forget about chocolate
>smell burning ~45mins later
>"oh shit"
>back into kitchen
>chocolate is a burnt black mess in the pot
>all the water has been boiled out of the lower boiler
>bottom of the pan is warped from the heat

[Anonymous No.10961361]

>>10961336
No fuck you, this is clearly bait.

[Anonymous No.10961375]

>make Hungry Man while drunk
>forget about it, wake up next morning and it's all melted to a black plasticky crisp

[Anonymous No.10961397]

>>10961375
Another one
>making scrambled eggs
>put them in a bowl
>get like 6 in there when I spill the bowl on the wood floor
>scooped them up and made them anyway
I wanted those eggs goddamn it

[Anonymous No.10961400]

i ate chicken that was left in a car overnight during a sophomore geology camping trip

i got insane diarrhea during a hike and had to stop our van so I could take a shit, and I had to ask my crush for her baby wipes since I didn't have toilet paper.
i did the deed and then sperged out by asking if she wanted her baby wipes back and she looked at me with sheer disgust. she rejected me when I asked her out a couple days later

[Anonymous No.10961407]

>>10961336
>READ NIGGA, READ
the story is about someone's mom being an inattentive lazy drunk, and is told in the way that that poster imagines their mom would tell it

[Anonymous No.10961420]

>>10955927
When I first moved out years ago and started to cook for myself, the first thing I bought was a baking dish. I knew how to make a lot of things in that since I'd seen family do the same. I took it out of the oven after making some food and sat it beside the sink. After plating the food I thought I'd let it sit with some dish washing liquid and water. I thought it was cool enough to handle room temp water after a little while, and the second the water touched it, it exploded into hundreds little glass particles flying everywhere in my kitchen and apt. Took me weeks to find all of them.

[Anonymous No.10961424]

>decide to make a pot roast
>take chuck roast out of little plastic tray and drop into hot pot to brown the outside
>didn't notice the little plastic liquid absorbing pad stuck to the bottom of the roast
>drop meat into the pot
>after about 10 seconds notice the terrible burning plastic smell
>pull out roast and burn my hand trying to remove the molten plastic pad from the bottom of the pan
>spend the next 40 minutes swearing as i scrub and scrape melted plastic off my le creuset dutch oven

[Anonymous No.10961433]

Grabbed a 400F pan 5 mins after it was sitting outside of the stove. Forgot it was still hot.

[Anonymous No.10961469]

Started an oil fire by having the pan too hot, ceiling still has scorch marks I'm not sure how to get rid of (and too lazy to try)

[Anonymous No.10961736]

>>10955927
Grabbed a pan out of the oven using a wet towel. Couldn't use my hand for a couple weeks.

[Anonymous No.10961785]

>>10961424
Did you eat the roast though, I would've

[Anonymous No.10961829]

>>10958511
probably yer stock was off

[Anonymous No.10961892]

>Prepare parchment and flour'd layer cake pans
>Weigh out batter in equal pans portions on tare'd kitchen scale
>Into the oven
>Realize I forgot the vanilla extract five minutes later
This has happened multiple times.

One time I caught with it only a few minutes in, and decided to scrape all of the pans hot pans (the cake had already started developing a skin) back into the mixer bowl and add the vanilla.
Then wash and re-prepare the lined cake pans and put them back in.
It worked but I felt like an absolute dumb-dumb the entire time.
I MEAN, THE BOTTLE WAS SETTING BEHIND THE STAND MIXER THE ENTIRE TIME.

[Anonymous No.10962707]

>>10955927
Not slowly adding flour to thicken a sauce, threw it all in at once and ended up with a lumpy, grainy mess.

[Anonymous No.10962770]

>>10956818
who is moot?

[Anonymous No.10962775]

>>10962770
Just some faggot.

[Anonymous No.10962807]

>>10962707
>adding flour to thicken a sauce
>what is roux
>what is beurre manié

[Anonymous No.10962827]

>>10956156
I see retardation runs in the family

[Anonymous No.10962829]

>>10956309
>Jokes only white "people" will get

[Anonymous No.10962831]

>>10956267
Lurk moar, you fucking reddit immigrant faggot

[Anonymous No.10962837]

>>10956870
>beef mince
Why are so many foreigners on our board today

[Anonymous No.10962850]

>>10962837
>Japanese owned website
>hosted on servers in the UK
Beef mince would seem an appropriate term to use here.

[Anonymous No.10962870]

>>10962837
4chan is owned by a Japanese dude.

[Anonymous No.10962930]

>be me
>decide to try deep frying
>don't have wok or high sided pan or a dutch oven
>decide to use a pot
>oil too hot
>spills over
>greasefire.jpg
>panic.jpg
>throw water on the fucking grease fire
>somehow it put it out instead of spreading it

[Anonymous No.10962944]

>>10962837
Don't you mince other animals in America?

[Anonymous No.10963488]

>>10956936
Nah, that’s my friend.

[Anonymous No.10963499]

>>10959688
>boil milk
Fucking retard

[Anonymous No.10963508]

>>10962944
In American English nobody uses the term "mince" as a noun. It's a verb only, and even that is fairly uncommon. We call it "ground meat".

[Anonymous No.10963511]

>>10960326
Why would you post this? You're not funny

[Anonymous No.10963550]

>try to make savory oatmeal
>recipe is for ham/eggs/cheese with salt/pepper
>trying to use up old shit
>substitute hot dogs for ham and cheese whiz for cheese
>substitute S&P with some dry rub mix I'd made a while ago
>make most of the way to completion, tastes okay but poverty tier, something tastes off but not sure what
>mix in dry rub
>taste
>instantly realize mistake
>the hot dogs and cheese whiz had plenty of salt already, dry rub mix put it massively beyond that
>can barely manage two bites before I feel like my heart is going to explode
>dump it in trash and just have a bowl of plain oatmeal with some cinnamon and a pitcher of water
>had odd twitching in my hands and feet for a day or so after

[Anonymous No.10963553]

>>10963511
Don't listen to dubs-san it made me smirk

[Anonymous No.10963561]

>>10963508
But you don't grind meat, you mince it. Grinding is a reduction in particle size by means of abrasion, like you grind pepper or other spices. Mincing is a reduction in particle size by cutting, like you mince garlic with a kitchen knife or the meat that gets cut by the blade inside a meat mincer,

[Anonymous No.10963567]

>>10963561
You're preaching to the choir, anon.

[Anonymous No.10963584]

>be cook at mexican place
>be in the middle of a rush
>"Anon we need more pinto beans!"
>ok.jpg
>Measuring the amount of beans and seasonings
>"Anon quick we need help in the kitchen"
>fuck
>dump it all in and practically throw that shit on the stovetop
>20 min later rush finally ends
>go to check on beans
>I forgot the fucking water

boss man was not pleased with me

[Anonymous No.10963592]

>>10957998
>thinking there's only one type of plastic in existence

anon, come on now

[Anonymous No.10963604]

>>10961469
Simple layer of paint will suffice

[Anonymous No.10963624]

>>10961336
>being this retarded

Just go to bed, anon.

[Anonymous No.10963656]

>>10963561
It's ground beef and until your country can best ours in conventional warfare it's going to stay that way

[Anonymous No.10963967]

>be me
>Cut up habeneros for taco seasoning.
>Eat tacos
>Have sex with wife after dinner

I'll leave it to your imaginations to figure out what crucial step is missing in this scenario.

[Anonymous No.10964119]

>>10963967
Finding a woman that could love you and marry you so you could have a wife to half after taco sex and not live a crippling lonely life while both welcoming and fearing death in equal parts making you a dysfunctional wreck of a human?

[Anonymous No.10964124]

>making lemonade
>mistake flour for sugar

[Anonymous No.10964141]

>few years ago, still apprentice pastry chef
>make big ball of dough for croissants
>shop was going to close the next day, so we just freezed the dough
>divide the batch into smaller balls to bag them and freeze them
>put bags in the freezer
>one right above an opened box of industrial pre-made "whole grain" croissants

basically the heat from the ball of dough I put on that box made the entire content of the box melt and become a formless ball of sugar and dough... somehow I just forgot yeast works and creates a lot of heat before starting to freeze properly

pic unrelated, this morning batch

[Anonymous No.10964146]

>>10959576
>rue
what are you, a fucking idiot?

[Anonymous No.10964165]

>>10963584
Work in beaner food as well. Our beans take 90 minutes to cook, so I have to start prep 2 hours before open

[Anonymous No.10964167]

>>10964124
In awe at the stupidity of this lad

[Anonymous No.10964179]

>>10956841
>literally burning cup noodles
>>10956846
>preground pepper
>>10958511
burn the alcohol off
>>10959324
Literally nothing wrong with that. Steak cant be ruined since its such a bad "dish"
>>10959688
>hot chocolate with water
>>10961339
More than excusable. Try making it with hands that have the same temperature as your crotch
>>10961420
Po' boy. Can relate. Tried heating a ceramic oven dish on the stovetop once. I feel you somewhat
>>10962707
Friendo just mix some starch with cold water next time and pour that in

[Anonymous No.10964189]

>>10964179
>>hot chocolate with water
yes that's a thing in leaf land

[Anonymous No.10964638]

>>10964189
damn

[Anonymous No.10964834]

Jack

[Anonymous No.10965024]

>>10958620
Did you keep adding broth one cup at the time until fully reduced?

[Anonymous No.10965037]

>>10960326
10/10 nice form, clean greentext engaging plot with savory ending

[Anonymous No.10965411]

Wanted to reheat some soup on a gas stove.
Completely forgot about it.
All liquid evaporated, soup almost caught fire, kitchen full of smoke.
To prevenmt it from catching fire, I poured water into the pot.
Fucking great idea.
Droplets of hot oil and tar exploded from the pot and covered my forearms.
Gave me tens of blueberry-sized liquid filled blisters.

[Anonymous No.10965422]

>>10964638
What you've never seen this in the US?
Most of the hot chocolate I had when I was a kid was made with water.
Now I use milk because its better and I am not super poor anymore, but yeah its pretty common with the lower class.

[Anonymous No.10966005]

Jesus, reading some of these fuckups I don't know what you guys are thinking.. I guess we all started somewhere. keep trying cu/ck/s

[Anonymous No.10966103]

>>10964189
>>10964638
the hot chocolate mixes that people do this with have powdered milk in them though

[Anonymous No.10966162]

>>10964141
Being a pastry chef sounds nice, do you like it? It seems like you wouldn't have as much of the rush and stress as you have with other culinary jobs

[Anonymous No.10966983]

>>10956126
It seems like cooking isn't for you.

[Anonymous No.10966986]

>>10961139
Your children miss the opportunity to be born with cretinism.

[Anonymous No.10967008]

>>10960326
I laughed. Slightly.

[Anonymous No.10967052]

>>10964638
Milk is expensive here.

[Anonymous No.10967090]

>cutting up bird's eye chillis
>pat dog
>collapses onto the ground pawing continuously at his face and whining
>spend next 15 minutes washing his eyes out and contemplating suicide

[Anonymous No.10967533]

>>10958620
stop adding tiny amounts of cold liquid to risotto

[Anonymous No.10967626]

Forgot I'd put pasta on, came back 4 hours later to a kitchen filled with smoke and an awful mass of burned beyond recognition pasta fused to the bottom of the pot.

[Anonymous No.10967683]

>>10956156
Everyone had that one weird friend whose family refrigerates peanut butter for no reason
Fucking psychopaths

[Anonymous No.10967920]

>>10955927
Left a bit of water after washing a pot, put some oil and turned on the fire under it without thinking of the apocalypse that was about to happen. This was two days ago, I was sober and consider myself a pretty good cook usually.

[Anonymous No.10967955]

>reverse searing a steak
>put it in the oven for 340 instead of 240 for 30 mins
I still taste it to this day and I still want to kill myself because of it.

[Anonymous No.10968200]

>>10960490
>being so dumb and lazy that you can't even read a story less than a paragraph long.

[Anonymous No.10968647]

>in college, first time using electric coil type range
>heat oil in pan for too long
>throw in minced garlic
>they vaporize and the apartment is filled with garlic smoke
>pick up the pan and set it outside our door (on concrete)

Felt real stupid because I considered myself to be pretty competent in the kitchen

[Anonymous No.10968828]

>hot oil
>wet shrimp
>throw shrimp on pan
>water+oil=grease fire
>have a huge flame for 30 sec spooked add
Can anyone relate?

[Anonymous No.10968843]

Made pot roast and was going to sear half f my onion. Slipped out of my hand going to plave the half onion into the very hot dutch oven and greased splashed over my arm.

Blister broke 3 days later when i reached my hand into a cereal box and busted it. Big v shape scar from jabbing the blister into the corner of the box.

[Anonymous No.10968881]

>>10955927
I have made plenty but I would say the most dangerous were almost blowing myself up while lighting a pilot and forgetting about a pot of grease I had heating up till smoke started pouring out from under the lid. Me being the genus I am took it off the burner and removed the lid. Guess what happens when oil that hot gets a blast of fresh air?

[Anonymous No.10968894]

>>10964167
ABSOLUTE RETARD

[Anonymous No.10969466]

>bring straight crush over my home
>tell him that I'm going to cook him something he'd never forget
>he's all giddy and excited
>put on some tea for him as he waits
Now the cooking
>decided to make primavera pescatore pasta
>fillet and dice salmon
>prep all the veggies
>cook and season pasta perfectly
>make homemade garlic cream sauce and toss everything together in with it
>"omg it smells so good anon"
>hardcore blush
>serve the pasta
>then turn pale when I suddenly remembered that I forgot to buy a bottle of pinot grigio
>fish entree with no white wine
>mfw
>guy wolves down 2 dishes of the pasta and says that it's absolutely delicious
>can't get the guilt of not able to serve him white wine with the dish out of my mind
>could only nervously stomach 2 mouthfuls of my own dish
>he moves in and whispers in my ear that he'd fuck me every night if he gets to eat something like this all the time
>could barely register what he's saying due to my guilt-induced anxiety attack
>I fucking served a fish dish without white wine accompaniment
>push him away and lock myself in my room
>never heard from him again

[Anonymous No.10969472]

>>10969466
;____;

[Anonymous No.10969515]

>>10955927
>"international foods" class in highschool
>whenever we actually cook we're given our ingredients and if we fuck up that's that
>no retries, if someone fucks up, almost the entire dish is fucked up
>our group (me , my friend, and 2 actually autistic kids) gets set to make some pastry from scotland or somewhere like that
>recipe calls for "1 Whole Egg"
>i can't figure out what the fuck this means for some reason.
>ask friend "does this actually mean the whole egg?"
>looks at me like i'm insane and just says "yeah of course"
>throw entire egg into mixer. It's spun around for a few seconds before finally cracking.
>just continue with the baking like it's no business, don't tell anybody.
>we get docked points because the pastry was filled with eggshell
>that day, i was the autistic kid.

[Anonymous No.10969519]

>>10955927
>>10955927

>slow-steam cook entrecôte on stir fried veggies
>smells delicious
>decide to use the meat/veggie juice for soup
>put all that shit in strainer
>push down shit to make juice flow quicker
>(phrasing)
>push harder with wooden spoon
>[*SNAP*].ogg
>too much pressure on spoon breaks spoon ( Laozi )
>One half of the spoon stays in my hand while the front half spins backwards towards my curtains, rotating at sanicspeeds on itself mid air, squirting fresh greasy meatjuice 360° on everything I own.
>and then I had to clean.

[Anonymous No.10969542]

i keep leaving my fridge open i think i have brain damage

[Anonymous No.10969572]

>>10969466
L A R P
A
R
P

[Anonymous No.10969649]

I didn't do this, but I watched in horror as a friend did.

>Friend and I liked having "cooking competitions" when we were bored in the summer
>Other friends would buy us food and give us challenges
>For one, we're given ground beef and a few things, and asked for a pasta dish
>Friend wants to make "vodka-less vodka sauce".
>Dumps whole pound of ground beef into a pan
>Before it even begins to brown, adds in some quickly blended tomato sauce
>Then 2 fucking cups of cream
>Then close to 2 teaspoons of sugar
>By the end, it was this gross pink, brain-matter-looking mess that almost no one else dared to try.

[Anonymous No.10969652]

>>10961736
wait what happens if you do that?

[Anonymous No.10969681]

>>10969652
The hot pan boils off the moisture in the towel, which means you are now grabbing a fistful of steam. Bad news.

Use DRY towels for potholders. Using a wet towel is a mistake you only make once.

[Anonymous No.10969699]

>>10955927
I wiped a hot stove with a paper towel

[Anonymous No.10969779]

Detonated and blew up a pressurized steamer in a kitchen.

It had a dedicated water line that stopped working for reason, and all the water at the base had evaporated out, after 75 lobster tails that were coated with butter went through it, all that was left was butter on the heated bottom under pressure. It was about 3 hours before it was opened again, and when it was vaporized butter exploded out, ignited, and blew up. Lost my arm hair, but besides that no one was injured

[Anonymous No.10970399]

>>10956818
>moot
not
>m00t
fuck off roody poo

[Anonymous No.10970427]

>>10963553
>didnt get trips
yea nah his shit story is shit and so is your life faggot

[Anonymous No.10970434]

>>10961336

[Anonymous No.10971130]

>>10968843
and the cereal?

[Anonymous No.10971200]

>>10962770
>who is moot
He used to be a janitor on 4Chan
until one day his gay boyfriend W.T. Snacks murdered him in a crime of homoerotic fag passion due to an argument over their stash of CP and dildoes

[Anonymous No.10971204]

>>10967090
Lol it's fine, dogs are fucking awful anyway.

[Anonymous No.10971235]

>>10955927
>try to make buttercream frosting
>butter was liquid
>came out looking like semen instead of frosting
>tasted good but i was gay for eating it

[Anonymous No.10971241]

>>10968200
Tell shit ass story from another persons perspective instead of first person.
Has nothing to do with his own cooking mistake.

[Anonymous No.10971323]

>>10955969
On a related note, I had a bottle of hot sauce that was sitting around for month or so then I opened it up and it exploded. That sauce went everywhere in my kitchen.
It took me hours and hours to clean that up, and months later I still found little drops here and there.
Now I know better, I open the top very slowly so that if there's pressure inside then it can only go so far.

[Anonymous No.10971394]

>>10961168
Cute story sis

[Anonymous No.10971406]

>>10970399
>Said the candy-ass

[Anonymous No.10971420]

>>10969515
Kek

[Anonymous No.10971471]

>>10970434
on an unrelated note this is the best bait image I've ever seen, pretty fuckin clever
>>10971323
dealing with the same thing in my bathroom but with a bout of diarrhea a few weeks ago. I wish I was joking

[Anonymous No.10971532]

>>10970434

[Anonymous No.10971538]

>>10971471
The only times I get those crazy squirts is if I have a nasty hangover.

[Anonymous No.10971556]

>baking oysters
>something I'd done dozens of times before
>take them out of the oven
>then it happens
>I make a fucking amateur mistake like someone gave me a fistful of chromosomes
>I set the burning hot glass pan on my cold glass table
>table shatters
>pan fucking EXPLODES
>I'm bombarded with shell shrapnel and boiling hot oyster juices
>scream and yell so much that neighbor checks on me
>you ok,anon?
>no,Jim
>dinner ruined
>pan ruined
>table ruined
>go out and get a burger whilst covered in lacerations,burns and oyster stink

[Anonymous No.10971560]

>>10971556
>oyster stink
The McCashier probably thought you came from an orgy gone wrong

[Anonymous No.10971600]

>>10963967
Always wash your hands anon

[Anonymous No.10973530]

>>10956267
what am i looking at here?