/ck/ - Food & Cooking

[Anonymous No.10950149]

>you're in your kitchen, minding your own business, maybe cooking up some eggs
>all of a sudden there's a loud thump and some home invader dum dums bust open your door looking for trouble

What food and cooking related item(s) do you grab to protect your cache of 'deenz?

[Anonymous No.10950167]

>>10950149
It depends, if I had some reason to think an actual knife fight was on the menu, I'd grab my honesuki since the blade is thick enough to stab through skulls and so on, although the reach is not great.

If it's just for standoff purposes, probably my 270mm gyuto.

[Anonymous No.10950170]

>>10950149
You don't have to tell my why you're here, but you do have to eat these eggs.

[Anonymous No.10950187]

>>10950170
Based and redpilled.

[Anonymous No.10950189]

boil the kettle

[Anonymous No.10950190]

>Smalt! Neutralize the intruders!

[Anonymous No.10950199]

>>10950149
open all the deenz and lay them out on a plate in front of my doggo and threaten to release doggo if they don't go away

[Anonymous No.10950290]

>>10950149
Knife fights are messy. What you need is a long range weapon. I recommend everyone has a baseball bat somewhere in the center of the house, easily accessible. You can keep the intruder at a distance and you can disable them without killing them.

[Anonymous No.10950455]

>>10950149
9mm meat tenderizer

[Anonymous No.10950481]

>>10950167
>Actual knife fight on the menu
>On the menu
Never change /ck/

[Anonymous No.10950576]

I keep a .45 laying next to the stove, I'm covered bruh

[Anonymous No.10950761]

A gun.

[Anonymous No.10950854]

>>10950149
I own a fencing sabre. So probably that. Its made with maraging steel so it doesn't flop around like a limp noodle.

[Anonymous No.10950879]

>>10950854

An epee, rapier, or a foil?

[Anonymous No.10950894]

>>10950879
A sabre.
Epee is the hipster of swords. Rapier the fedora, and foil is just poverty.

[Anonymous No.10950898]

>>10950149
I dual wield a chef's knife in my main hand and a paring knife in my offhand.

[Anonymous No.10950903]

>>10950576
>not keeping one in the oven so you can quickdraw while pulling a pie out of the oven

[Anonymous No.10950911]

>>10950903
Who are you, Max Rockatansky?

[Anonymous No.10950915]

>>10950903
A hot gun? Nah keep a Saturday night special tucked in the pocket of your cute pink baking apron.

[Anonymous No.10950920]

>>10950894

But you don't fence with a sabre. You sword fight with a sabre because it's a slashing weapon, not a piercing weapon.

[Anonymous No.10951008]

>>10950149
>he fell for the Zwilling meme

Wusthof >>>>>> Zwilling

[Anonymous No.10951020]

>>10951008
Those knives are from the 70's when German steel was still considered the best.

[Anonymous No.10951060]

I just got a ten inch cast iron skillet and I feel like I could really do some damage with it

[Anonymous No.10951125]

>>10950170

[Anonymous No.10951138]

>>10950920
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sabre_(fencing)
I wonder why this article exists if what you say is true.

You are allowed slashing as well as thrusting attacks in sabre fencing.

[Anonymous No.10951146]

>>10951138
I mean, I guess it counts since you can open a champagne bottle with it too.

[Anonymous No.10951154]

>>10950190
10/10

[Anonymous No.10951163]

>>10950149
My VEPR because it lives in the dining room and the dindus aren't 00 proof. If they live long enough it will be all butchers twine and paring knives to make sure the corpse I drop off on the street is frightening enough to keep window shoppers away.

[Anonymous No.10951182]

>>10951163
...but thats a BB gun and an airsoft.
Why would someone lie on the internet?

[Anonymous No.10951183]

>>10951163
I'm sure you host very nice dinner parties.

[Anonymous No.10951220]

>>10950149
Cheese grater, motherfucker. Wound them physically and mentally forever.

[Anonymous No.10951565]

>>10951183
The guest don't get fucking lippy I'll tell you that...


>airshit

[Anonymous No.10951580]

>>10951565

you fucking weirdos. do you ever just feel like a weird shut in?

[Anonymous No.10951597]

>>10951580
Nah, I get pussy for days. Thats just what real people toys look like. You cant order that shit in my friend.

[Anonymous No.10951643]

>>10951565
Do all flyovers own closets full of guns to compensate for their mediocre Bell's?

[Anonymous No.10951648]

>>10950149
My gun.

[Anonymous No.10951657]

>>10950290
Jimmy Hoffa said in a knife fight, the loser dies in the street and the winner dies in the hospital. Fuck knives, unless a last resort. Use a rolling pin, something hot, or grab your kid's baseball bat. Ain't a better melee weapon than an aluminum t-ball bat.

[Anonymous No.10951664]

>>10951643
Their is more hill farmstead and founders on that table than bells, so fuck off and I own a closet full of guns because wild, free range game is most tasty and all cops should die the moment they try to infringe a free mans life and liberty.

[Anonymous No.10951670]

>>10951163
You must have an enormous penis.

[Anonymous No.10951674]

>>10950190
>WiFi disconnected can't do that Dave

[Anonymous No.10951684]

>>10951565
wow ur so kewl

[Anonymous No.10951694]

>>10951657
This fucker knows what he's talking about but the bat is better in the car or by the front door.

[Anonymous No.10951696]

>>10951664
>more hill farmstead and founders on that table than bells

The Bell's butt plug more than makes up for the difference.

[Anonymous No.10951706]

>pour in boil hot oil
>Remove top
>Put on high and hit the ground
While there are dealing with the hot oil blasted in their faces I would kick them in the dick until the cops showed up

[Anonymous No.10951715]

>>10951670
Your mother and sister seem to agree with you.
>>10951684
Look, I put the hay pride tap handle in the first picture to wave you dipshits off okay? Go suck dicks.

[Anonymous No.10951718]

2 days old so it's practically a baseball bat

[Anonymous No.10951723]

>>10951715
Even my auto correct doesn't like saying gay.

[Anonymous No.10951732]

>>10951723
You sound so repressed and that rainbow dildo shaped object kinda proves it that's fine though nobody around here cares that's you are a cock mongrel

[Anonymous No.10951748]

>>10951732
If you are imagining a way to cram that tap marker in your ass I applauded you sir. If that's shaped like any dildo you've ever seen I recomend you invest heavily in adult diapers.

[Anonymous No.10951761]

My buddy’s dad was a cop. He always kept a sidearm on the top shelf of his pantry. Maybe I should do that too.

[Anonymous No.10951797]

>>10951761
That's from the constant risk of people who's life he ruined seeking ultimate revenge on him. Normal people don't need to worry to much about that.

[Anonymous No.10951838]

Ah yes very good intaruderu-sama, you have exploited the weakness in my front door's security measures, but allow me to play you a tune on my... mandoline
*teleports behind you*

[Anonymous No.10951886]

>>10951838

[Anonymous No.10952174]

>>10951565
I compared my hand to yours (100% Scandinavian reporting in), and you seem to have the skin color of a boiled pig. What race are you son?

[Anonymous No.10952280]

>>10951838
oh god how fiendish this is too cruel

[Anonymous No.10952302]

>>10950149
I throw my pocket flour in his face and hope he has Celiac disease or at least gluten intolerance.

[Anonymous No.10952316]

>>10952302
non-celiac gluten intolerance isn't real but it's not good for anyone to eat white flour.

[Anonymous No.10952340]

>>10952316
>it's not good for anyone to eat white flour.
It's probably okay in small amounts but way less than what a lot of people eat. I figured out more than a few grams of sugar was causing problems with my skin so I decided to cut out most refined carbs too and it helped even more. I still eat whole grain bread but when I make a whole grain bread with milk it's so filling that I can't even eat that much of it, compared to white flour and water breads that are basically not filling at all.

[Anonymous No.10952364]

>>10950149
I think we have the same Solingen knife OP. It's also what I would use. tfw guns and pepper spray both illegal here and if my dog attacked an intruder I'd get sued.

[Anonymous No.10952388]

>>10950149
One of my shotguns

[Anonymous No.10952390]

>>10950149
Cleaver and meat tenderizer.
Yell "meats on the menu boiyz"

[Anonymous No.10952404]

I’d dual wield my santoku and cast iron. The cast iron would work as a bludgeoning type weapon and a shield. The santoku would be for maximum stabbing.

[Anonymous No.10952460]

Ladle of course
>Long reach
>Non Lethal
>can stake oil from the fried and throw it at him

[Anonymous No.10952660]

>>10952404
>the santoku would be for maximum stabbing

Wut?

[Anonymous No.10952775]

>>10950290
I keep a small aluminum club in my living room. It's still about the same size as the knife, but it does have an led strobe light in the tip. 11.5 inches of German steel is no joke.

>>10952364
Pretty sure mine is bigger.

[Anonymous No.10952785]

If I'm cooking eggs, I have a hot frying pan, which is a great weapon.
You can give them first degree burns whilst you batter them, you're also holding a shield if they come at you with a melee weapon.

>>10950170
kek

[Anonymous No.10952804]

>>10952785
Enjoy your Alzheimer's from that oxidized cholesterol.

[Anonymous No.10952824]

>>10951565
Kbs, nice

[Anonymous No.10952825]

>>10950190
Holly kek

[Anonymous No.10952835]

>>10951565
>fat hands
>collection of "fancy empties"
>muh gun
/ck/ in a nutshell, only thing missing is a cum-encrusted thinkpad in the background

[Anonymous No.10952999]

[Anonymous No.10953016]

>>10950903
>he thinks another man is going to give away where he keeps his backup kitchen gun

[Anonymous No.10953071]

How am I the first to consider this?

[Anonymous No.10953098]

>wearing holster this week around the house to get used to the feel of a new carry, a .44 revolver for camping, hiking and hunting
>Wife has a glock 42 in her purse on the bar if shes home
>Knife block is 50/50 straight edge and serated of varying lengths
>And a doggo that will rippo the throatto when either me or abbi yells "kill it" though thats usually deer and rabbits fucking with our garden not sure how she would act with a human

[Anonymous No.10953135]

>>10953071
most people dont have open bowls of chili powder, also it's hit perfectly or die since you have only one throw

[Anonymous No.10953142]

>>10953071
This radical 90s movie did it first:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/3_Ninjas_Knuckle_Up

Don't blame me for watching it. My dad's second wife had dumb kids.

[Anonymous No.10953147]

My kitchen gun of course.

[Anonymous No.10953152]

>>10953071
>intruder turns his head down or protects his eyes with his forearm
>you are now dead

[Anonymous No.10953154]

>>10950167
>honesuki
what if he just kicks you in the dick

[Anonymous No.10953167]

i grab my kitchen gun

[Anonymous No.10953199]

>>10953098
That's a good doggo.

[Anonymous No.10953351]

>>10951732

>cock mongrel

Monger. Cock monger. A monger is some one who trades in the object associated with the title and spends a lot of time around said item In this case a cock monger would be some one who spends their life with dicks. A mongrel is an animal of inditerminant breed, which makes no fucking sense in this case. Stop bastardizing the English language, it's already pretty fucked up.

[Anonymous No.10953357]

>>10953351
spoken like a true mongrel monger

[Anonymous No.10953379]

>>10952824
>CBS, Black Note, Vanwinkle 12 yr.
>>10953071
>empties
Hoarders should be shot bro.
>>10952174
I am in fact 73% mangolista.
VEPR = Boar

[Anonymous No.10953437]

>>10953379
Wrong quote.
>>10952835
Dont mistake a well stocked cellar for someone who keeps refuse.

[Anonymous No.10953643]

>>10951732
>>10953351
>>10953357
Cock mongler.

[Anonymous No.10953775]

I employ my collection of infused oils and sauces to create a path SO oily, sticky and glass filled that it is simply foolhardy to pass OR leave. I grab from my emergency cigarillo stash and light up, so he knows exactly how spicey this shit is about to get, meanwhile we just start heating up the friers, 4chan, in preparation for a side of chips. Knife or not I'm choosing that mortar with a side of salt, garlic and southeast asian harissa, telling him how I'm gonna have to be turning half of him into salami if he slips now.

[Anonymous No.10953808]

>>10950149
>What food and cooking related item(s) do you grab to protect your cache of 'deenz?
>He lives in a country that can't into freedom

[Anonymous No.10953834]

>>10953808
>pretend to be american
>posts eurotrash pea shooter
lad

[Anonymous No.10953843]

>>10953775
King of the Greeks

[Anonymous No.10953955]

>>10953834
>american service pistol for 33 years

[Anonymous No.10953962]

What counts as a cooking related item?

[Anonymous No.10953987]

I'm British so getting a gun here is nearly fucking impossible, however, as it happens I do have a home defence mechanism set up.

Pic related is my home defence, that I set up every night before bed. Basically, I tie an axe to a pull up bar, and have my wallet in a bag hanging from it with a button that says 'wallet release'. Of course when they hit the button, they smash the axe handle and release it so it will come down and strike them, which means they will get hit with the axe.

[Anonymous No.10954034]

>>10953987
>no images found

[Anonymous No.10954056]

>>10950149
It depends on whether this guy has a gun/other weapon, what does he look like, etc.
If it's teenagers or a white guy, I'd just grab whatever knife is closest, which would probably be my 9" Santoku. Not a great knife for self-defense, but I figure they'd be scared enough and run off.
If it was a real self-defense situation (nigger in my house), I'm going to be picking up my dutch oven and swinging it wildly or throwing it at someone's head. That thing weighs a good 20lbs or more. If I was swinging it and it connected with an arm I'm sure it would break the arm.

[Anonymous No.10954084]

>>10953987
based

[Anonymous No.10954090]

>>10954056
I'd probably just shoot him.

[Anonymous No.10954385]

>food and cooking related item(s)
>/k/ fags are literally incapable of not posting their guns

Mental fucking illness.

[Anonymous No.10954740]

>>10954385
lolberal detected

[Anonymous No.10954753]

>>10954385
I actually own one of pic related that I got as a gag gift. Works pretty well, actually. I'd still probably pop him with my 1908 Colt Vest Pocket though.

[Anonymous No.10954774]

>>10953987
>>10954034
jej

[Anonymous No.10954787]

>>10951182
it's clearly a VEPR 12 and a 22 rifle. why would an airshitter have Hoppes and cleaning patches?

[Anonymous No.10954808]

>>10950149
I always thought the ol' paper towel holder would be a good weapon

[Anonymous No.10954819]

>>10954753
Oh, yeah, .25 ACP will surely take down some 6'6" giga nigga high off the marihuana he just injected between his toes!

[Anonymous No.10954833]

>>10954808
>coln. mustard, in the kitchen, with the paper towel holder

[Anonymous No.10954947]

>>10954787
It's a 20 gauge model 50 for fucks sake.

[Anonymous No.10954958]

>>10954819
They don't call it a belly gun for nothing.

[Anonymous No.10954978]

>>10954958
You shoot anyone with that and all it means is that they'll be angry enough to beat you to death with your own dick.

[Anonymous No.10955108]

>>10954978
I didn't know this was a fuddlore thread. In that case I'll use my .22 NAA pug instead so it'll bounce around in his cranium!

[Anonymous No.10955685]

>>10954958
Because you can hide it between your belly folds while cooking eggs naked?

[Anonymous No.10955744]

>>10950149
Hot pot of boiling water
I'm making coffee

[Anonymous No.10955763]

>>10955744
For ants apparently

[Anonymous No.10955770]

>>10955763
Ants?

[Anonymous No.10955778]

>>10955685
One of those scandium alloy Smith and Wesson airlights can be worn in boxer shorts.

[Anonymous No.10955787]

>>10955778
>2012
>still owning underwear

[Anonymous No.10955800]

>>10952302
It might give him botulism if you’re lucky

[Anonymous No.10955810]

>>10955770
It's a reference to the 2kb thumbnail of a frog you posted instead of an actual man sized image. The problem is that if you have a monitor with not shit resolution that thing is only viewable by ants.

Also: lurk more faggot.

[Anonymous No.10955838]

>>10955810
Phone posting and who you telling to lurk moar faggot been here since 2004 first time I've come to /ck

[Anonymous No.10955854]

>>10950290
fuck that
get a gun

[Anonymous No.10955860]

>>10955838
Fuck off newfag.

[Anonymous No.10955863]

>>10951580
>wheredoyouthinkweare.gif

[Anonymous No.10955869]

>>10955860
Never

[Anonymous No.10955892]

>>10954385
>he doesn't cook with his gun
get a load of this faggot
i bet you kiss girls

[Anonymous No.10955918]

>>10950149
Pop the lid on my cayenne pepper, hold my breath and fling it at them when they get too close. Then stab away when they get it in their eyes, nose, and airway.

[Anonymous No.10955941]

Cast iron as a two handed weapon

[Anonymous No.10955945]

>>10955918
Nice pop a jalapeno in their eyes or lemon juice
I like you're thinking anon

[Anonymous No.10956110]

>>10955838
>is it September yet?

[Anonymous No.10956251]

>>10956110
Imblying I'm a summerfag kid
Well I guess this really is the last of this board it will go the way of /x/ which is a pity this place used to be creative and interesting. So long oldfags its been a pleasure shitposting with you.

[Anonymous No.10956491]

>>10956251

[Anonymous No.10957482]

>>10955892
>i bet you kiss girls

I'm sure they'd let me if I carried a gun around at all times.

[Anonymous No.10957686]

>>10955854
Not an american, I can't get a gun because my government does not let me.
If I could I'd gladly - and legally of course - move to US just to be able to defend myself properly.

[Anonymous No.10957697]

>>10957686
Or you could just move to a country without gun violence?

[Anonymous No.10957699]

>>10957697
We have no gun violence here. My country is one of the safest in europe. I can walk around drunk at night through almost any part of the city and not worry about being robbed or attacked.

[Anonymous No.10957709]

>>10957699
So you want to move to America just to legally shoot people? You do realize that the vast majority of the US is safe as fuck, and outside of the 3rd world South, flyover land, and a handful of urban ghettos almost nobody actually owns or cares about guns, right?

[Anonymous No.10957714]

All I need is Thunder and Lightning

[Anonymous No.10957974]

>>10952804
Enjoy your death from existing

[Anonymous No.10959230]

>>10951565
That bottle on the left is very clearly an empty.

[Anonymous No.10959250]

>>10950149
my frog pictures. he'll leave. they always do.

[Anonymous No.10959306]

>>10953987
>my wallet
why not an empty wallet

[Anonymous No.10959351]

>>10950149
>Pepper
>Will Save DC 15 vs Stun

>Hot Pan
>1d6+Str Blunt
>1d4 Fire
>Adding injury to insult to injury

Suggestions?

[Anonymous No.10959360]

>>10950170
This makes NO. GOD. DAMN. SENSE. but is also perfectly reasonable.

[Anonymous No.10959375]

>>10959360

[WHY No.10960544]

>>10953154
>what if he just kicks you in the dick
/ck/ is majority women, so no.

[Anonymous No.10960549]

>>10950149
The burning hot pan still filled with eggs

[WHY No.10960550]

>>10950190
>his salt shaker is not smart and is connected to the internet
ISHYGDDT

[Anonymous No.10960636]

>>10959230
Touche. I did drink that Sunday. In the trash it goes

[TwitchyFing3rs No.10960684]

IM NOT YOUR MOTHER LAST NIGHT

[Anonymous No.10961408]

>>10950149
I grab my Dick

[Anonymous No.10961413]

Coconut splitting machete

[Anonymous No.10962098]

>>10960549
You're cooking your eggs wrong if the heat is that high.

[Anonymous No.10962691]

>>10960544
>women can't have dicks

[Anonymous No.10962694]

>>10962691
God knows, most women have had mine.

[Anonymous No.10962955]

>throw coffee pot fill of month old coffee at the home invaders
>Grabs cracked and damaged kitchen knives and throw those too
>Throw horribly rusted pan
>Throw cracked nonstick pan
>Throw jar of 3 month old rotten oranges
>Throw damaged microwave
>Throw my only spoon and fork
>Throw my cat
>Flawless victory

[Anonymous No.10963189]

>>10950190
Fucking kek

[Anonymous No.10963195]

>>10959360

[Anonymous No.10963300]

>>10951565
Including the rainbow colored Bell's dildo. Very progressive, anon.

[Anonymous No.10963914]

>>10962955
*throw out

[Anonymous No.10964719]

>>10960684
Based and redpilled Twitchy

[Anonymous No.10964786]

>>10957697
Gun violence is a good thing. The vast majority of gun violence is in lawful self-defense or by officers of the law.

[Anonymous No.10964794]

>>10950894
Sport fencing """swords""" are the fedoras of swords. A rapier (an actual rapier) is unironically peak performance as a duelling weapon because of its reach advantage.

[Anonymous No.10964798]

>>10951694
make sure you keep a ball and catcher mitt/glove if you keep a bat in your car