/ck/ - Food & Cooking

[Anonymous No.10900262]

>want to make a pizza
>ideally with buffalo mozzarella
>decide to call up nearby Italian deli to see if they have it in stock
>phone rings
>girl picks up, does the generic customer service greeting
>ask if they have buffalo mozzarella
>except in some horrific, cartoonish, mangled Italian accent
>like Mario had a baby with a New Jersey greaseball
>what the fuck why did my words come out like that
>she's confused and asks if I can repeat that
>can't just drop it now because she'll think I was trying to be offensive to Italians
>but I can't do the accent again either
>speak slower and change the accent a bit to more of an Armenian or Arab type of accent to avoid being exposed
>she's still confused
>tells me to hold on while she transfers me to someone else who might be able to help
>despair sets in
>some guy with a real Italian accent picks up
>sweating
>do an even more exaggerated Armenianish Arabish accent without any hints Italian this time
>guy sounds annoyed
>tells me they don't have any buffalo mozzarella

What's your favorite pizza recipe?

[Anonymous No.10900266]

I’m laying in bed rn and I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I have no friends, no family, no job, no life. I just stare at a screen as the years pass. I feel so lost I don’t know how to get out, no one talks to me. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Thanks for reading.

[Anonymous No.10900274]

>>10900266
Chuckle/10

[Anonymous No.10900319]

At least you didn't have to write down what you were gonna say in notepad

[Anonymous No.10900411]

>>10900266
I chuckled at OPs story for like two seconds before the weight of reality came crashing back. It's been years since I was able to fully let go and laugh out loud without reservation or anxiety.

mushrooms and olives

[Anonymous No.10900472]

When I was in the 6th grade I slept over my best friends new house. His mother was very strict and scared the shit out of me. I woke up early and really needed to pee but was so anxious about leaving the room and interacting with his mom that I froze and couldn't leave the guest room. I held it as long as I could but eventually pissed all over the carpet. I was never allowed to see my best friend again.

Green pepper and onion is my usual

[Anonymous No.10900503]

>>10900472
Based pisser

[Anonymous No.10900536]

>be me
bbq chicken

[Anonymous No.10900540]

>>10900536
>bbq chicken

jesus man, you don't need to make things worse for yourself

[Anonymous No.10900542]

>>10900266
Wow, that really hits home anon. I'm in the exact same situation. I feel lost all the time, I don't even know what I want out of life.

Anchovies

[Anonymous No.10900558]

>>10900542
Based chovie fan

[Anonymous No.10900582]

I lived with my aunt and uncle in Chicago and had a lot of delicious authentic deep dish Chicago style pizza. I refuse to eat any other style of pizza. The only issue is that it literally always brings me back to the look in my uncles eyes before he hit my aunt in me.

Deep dish Chicago style all the way

[Anonymous No.10900635]

>>10900266
Have you considered shilling for large companies such as McDonald's?

[Anonymous No.10900721]

I want to die.

Anchovy, artichoke, ricotta, blue cheese

[Anonymous No.10900767]

I ran over a kid one time. I am not sure if she lived or died. I had been drinking and had to keep going. I avoided reading or seeing the news for months.

Pepperoni and black olive.

[Anonymous No.10900790]

I was elected into power. I didn't mean for this to happen. I was just goofing around to keep my profile relevant, but somehow I defeated Jeb and things snowballed into an unexpected overall victory. I only really know how to negotiate business deals for personal profit, which is so much different from international diplomacy. I need to continue looking like I know what I'm doing, but I'm scared I'm destroying the nation I love.

Pepperoni with two helpings of extra cheese and a side of McDonald's fries.

[Anonymous No.10900803]

>>10900262
Buffalo Mozzarella is generally consumed day fresh. Don't look for a shop selling it, look for a producer. Serious Eats claims refrigerated Mozzarella can be rescued by soaking it in salt milk though.

https://www.seriouseats.com/2012/04/the-food-lab-can-you-rescue-poorly-stored-mozzarella-cheese-refrigerate-or-no.html

[Anonymous No.10900812]

>>10900803
>listening to alton brown(cockformywife)

[Anonymous No.10900827]

All these posts are pretty funny but now I feel like an idiot for opening up about posting all over someone's carpet. I honestly never even put that into words or told anyone and it was about 12 years ago. It actually haunts me sometimes.

[Anonymous No.10900842]

>>10900827
I understand. It would haunt me, too. I'm glad I've never done anything so shitty.

[Anonymous No.10901003]

>>10900827
If it makes you feel better, I semi regularly skid my undies through high school. It wasn't until senior year that I learned to go take a shit when I needed to.

Also, chicken and bacon.

[Anonymous No.10901006]

>>10900635
No, will that fill the emptiness

[Anonymous No.10901010]

>>10900803
>tfw no salt milk

[Anonymous No.10901033]

>>10900262
I haven't talked to my dad in almost 4 years; he lives on another continent and sometimes I'm afraid he might be dead. As for pizza, I actually love chicken as a topping. I know it's an uncommon preference but I always get it if it's available. Gotta have that crust thin and crispy, too.

[Anonymous No.10901109]

>>10900266
At least you didn't waste the last two years of your life chasing an impossible dream.

[Anonymous No.10901118]

>>10900790
You're doing fine, Don. That's why they're trying so desperately to smear you.

[Anonymous No.10901120]

I killed my own mother in childbirth. No one in their right mind would blame a newborn for something like that, but no one ever diagnosed my pop with sanity. Sometimes when the abuse (of every sort) would get too bad, dad would bring me pizza to the shed.

Plain cheese for me please. I won't be bad.

[Anonymous No.10901133]

>>10901120
Have you tried buffalo chicken pizza with gorgonzola

[Anonymous No.10901165]

>>>/r9k/

[Anonymous No.10901167]

>unrelated paragraph
>oh and pizza toppings
Not sure if this is some stealthy samefag seeking /adv/ in /ck/ or a common template.

[Anonymous No.10901170]

>>10901167

>>10901133

[Anonymous No.10901203]

>>10900827
I shit and pissed in my toy box as a kid because I was too afraid to leave my room. Parents found out and beat my ass. I went over to a friend's house and his parents were really strict, it made me so nervous that I didn't eat anything the entire night.

Is okay, anon. I think a lot of people can relate.

[Anonymous No.10901212]

>>10901203
Oh and supreme

[Anonymous No.10901223]

>>10901133
I live in a shed and am beaten both viciously and regularly. What are buffalo and gorgonzola? I have heard of chickens. Pop says God and I are chickens for killing my mother in childbirth.

I also like dipping sauces.

[Anonymous No.10901226]

>>10901167
Not all of the posts are one person. Personally, I've found this thread to be very refreshing. A nice reminder that behind all the shitposting, there are real people.

[Anonymous No.10901528]

I've been with my wife for 10 years now. We met in high school, and I got her pregnant. She is and always has been a lazy person and a shit cook. I wouldn't even mind eating shit food if she at least made it on time. But she rarely did.

We'd get into screaming arguments constantly about how lazy and worthless she was. I felt like an asshole for it, but goddamn she was a real piece of work. The only reason I dealt with all this was for the kids, and also because the sex is great.

But one night, I got fed up. Not only did she get drunk, neglect the kids, and made me top Ramen for dinner, but she decided to give me attitude too. She was being real fucking bitchy. So I told my grandparents to keep an eye on the kids and told my wife we were going to go out and have dinner together. I drove maybe 3 blocks to a quiet area (we live in Oregon, it's not hard to find a quiet field) and I got out of the car, went around like I was going to open her door for her and let her out, and I just beat the shit out of her while she was still seatbelted. After a few punches, I asked her if she wanted to go back to her parents. She started screaming and yelling and said yes, so I beat the shit out of her again. Then I asked her what she wanted to do. She finally got smart and said she wanted to go home. So I took her home and dared her to start trouble. I even handed her my cellphone and dialed her mom's number on the drive home. I made her talk to her mom, while daring her to fucking say something.

Before that incident, I had never laid a hand on her. But I had always threatened it. I told her "one of these days, if you don't straighten up, I'm going to lay hands on you."

All my meals have been on time, and she just recently tried to make a meatloaf. It was mediocre, but I was just thrilled that she tried.

Double cheese, pineapple, banana peppers, bacon bits and bacon strips.

[Anonymous No.10901627]

My dad was a drug addict monster of a human who regularly stole my allowance money when I was little, would disappear for months at a time, and eventually totally abandoned us. He died of stomach cancer when I was 20. I'm glad he's dead and at the same time I'd give everything to have an hour with him.

I made my cousin play with my balls all the time when he was like 6 and I was 8 or so. Neither of us can look each other in the eye at family gatherings.

I have ruined the lives of several genuinely sweet and innocent women thanks to my out of control drinking. I turn into a lying schizo when I'm drunk. I'm trying my best to hold it together with my current girlfriend.

Pepperoni, black olive, onions and garlic

[Anonymous No.10901741]

My sister was playing Silent Hill 3 and she got so scared she pissed all over my leg

I smacked her in the face and she started crying and then I felt like a jerk so I held her until she calmed down, she apologized for peeing on me and I said "well at least let me pee on you to even it out" and she was like "...okay but I get to slap you too"

I then peed on her face as she slapped my cock, before I knew it my 12 year old sister was deepthroating my rock hard member, her tears rolling down her cheeks and she gagged on my massive 4 inches, I came hard down her throat as she began to shit into her hello kitty panties, the situation overhwelming her.

I meticulously cleaned her asshole with my tongue as she layed on the floor sobbing and whimpering.

It was then she discovered what a fist in her ass would feel like.

smoked provolone, grilled chicken

[Anonymous No.10901743]

>>10900266
stop masturbating. you're addicted to masturbating. masturbation soothes anxiety and that's why you keep locking yourself in and masturbating.

[Anonymous No.10902220]

>>10900266
>>10900542
Try pursuing a non-autistic hobby like: gardening, music, woodworking, hiking, biking, learning a foreign language. Pick something that actually seems interesting and start with the most basic step 1 (watch Youtube etc for help) and keep it up. Then use Meetup to find people who share the hobby. Self esteem is boosted because you're doing something constructive, and you meet people.

Green peppers, mushrooms, onions and sausage.

[Anonymous No.10902438]

How did i do?

[Anonymous No.10902469]

>>10902438
Just remember you can always try again

[Anonymous No.10902474]

>>10902438
To much cheese imo

[Anonymous No.10902489]

>>10902438
what the hell happened? what did you do WHAT DID YOU DO

[Anonymous No.10902505]

>>10902489
What's wrong with it? Any sound advice would be appreciated

[Anonymous No.10902514]

>>10902505
do you have parkinson's?

[Anonymous No.10902522]

>>10902438
Christ it looks like you microwaved a lunchables pizza.
The crust looks a little underdone for my tastes and it looks like there's too much cheese. It would probably look better if the picture wasn't blurry as shit. What's the underside look like?

[Anonymous No.10902531]

How'd I do /ck/?

[Anonymous No.10902534]

>>10902531
not enough cheese
tomato chunks
1/10 best I can do, bub

[Anonymous No.10902562]

>>10902522
Sadly didn't take a picture of the underside, what fucked up the pizza was where it was cooked, I didn't cook it in my oven but a friend's, which for some reason just would get hoy enough to really crisp up the crust or the cheese at the top, and the shape was because it had to stretch the dough with my banda, wich resultes in the overall irregular shape, but the pizza was nicely browned and golden on the bottom and it wasn't undercooked, and it tasted nice overall, but it lacked that crispiness on top, wich was a shame, it could have been a lot better. Again some advice would be really be appreciated.

[Anonymous No.10902569]

>>10900266
Based

[Anonymous No.10902577]

>>10902531
OVEN
NOT
HOT
ENOUGH

[Anonymous No.10902580]

>>10902522
Sadly didn't take a picture of the underside, what fucked up the pizza was where it was cooked, I didn't cook it in my oven but a friend's, which for some reason just wouldn't get hot enough to really crisp up the crust or the cheese at the top, and the shape was because it had to stretch the dough with my hands, wich resulted in the overall irregular shape, but the pizza was nicely browned and golden on the bottom and it wasn't undercooked, and it tasted nice overall, but it lacked that crispiness on top, wich was a shame, it could have been a lot better. Again some advice would be really be appreciated.

[Anonymous No.10902583]

Growing up my father was a special brand of emotionally abusive. Anything you did that wasn't the way he would have done it was wrong, and you were stupid for doing it that way. As a result I grew up believing I was effectively worthless, and borderline retarded. This is despite my grades falling in the high 80s.
In the last two years he was diagnosed with diabetes, I watched a strong man wither away to a skeleton. And on some level I reveled in it. On another I found i really did love the man.

Chicken, bacon and either onions or green pepper

[Anonymous No.10902589]

>>10902531
what the hell happened? what did you do WHAT DID YOU DO

[Anonymous No.10902593]

>>10902534
What's wrong with tomato chunks? Fuck I put whole tomato slices on my pizza and I fucking love it I don't care what you think

[Anonymous No.10902597]

>>10900262
>>want to make a pizza...
....but instead I'll make this stupid post.

[Anonymous No.10902625]

>>10902438
Crust too thick
Prebake the crust for a few minutes before adding the sauce and cheese if your oven doesn't get hotter than whatever you set it at
Maybe brush the crust with some olive oil after the prebake is done
Use less cheese

[Anonymous No.10903118]

>>10900266
how do you live if you have no job?

[Anonymous No.10903138]

>>10903118
You seem a good candidate for a rouge colored tablet.

[Anonymous No.10903322]

>>10901528
>All my meals have been on time, and she just recently tried to make a meatloaf. It was mediocre, but I was just thrilled that she tried.
>Double cheese, pineapple, banana peppers, bacon bits and bacon strips.
There's a reason why wife beating is only been illegal for less then 80 years

[Anonymous No.10903383]

>>10902438
>>10902531
i would eat them rn desu

[Anonymous No.10904194]

>>10901528
>pineapple
You disgust me

[Anonymous No.10904358]

>>10900262
>there are Italian delis where he lives
I would fucking kill for that

[Anonymous No.10904398]

>>10900827
You were a kid, let it go. Everyone does similar things at that age. I've heard about embarrassing stories about pissing yourself with people in their 20s

[Anonymous No.10904612]

My mom had BPD and was a heavy, heavy smoker. I'm talking like 3 or 4 packs a day, lighting the next smoke of the butt of the last. She would lock me in my "bedroom" of her trailer home. It was the size of a twin bed and a half and had no windows. There was so much smoke in that house, there wasn't a day I didn't feel like I was suffocating. She died. Killed by a drunk driver when she was going to get smokes. I don't know how long I was locked up that time.

Jalapenos, black olives, and onion. Thin crust and little over done.

[Anonymous No.10904633]

>>10900262
>america

Here in the uk, all the supermarkets sell buffallo mozerella. How fucking shit tier does your food selection have to be that even we beat you for it?

[Anonymous No.10904682]

>>10901627
>I have ruined the lives of several genuinely sweet and innocent women thanks to my out of control drinking. I turn into a lying schizo when I'm drunk.
I-I know this feel. I took the first step on monday and visited my first AA meeting. I'm turning fucking 25 and I'm lost already.

Ham, salami, jalapenos, mozzarella

[Anonymous No.10904687]

>>10904633
Is it true that you always shout "job opening" whenever something gets broken? It sounds like a bit of fun that unites the room with humor and nobody gets hurt.

[Anonymous No.10904704]

>>10902438
Not bad, but i'd like you to make a thinner crust next time, better taste, crunch and it will cook more uniformly.
And don't listen to the "tOo MuCh ChEeSe" guys here, if it's a good product you put the right amount