/ck/ - Food & Cooking

[Anonymous No.10773128]

I haven't pooped in over a week. I've tried everything I can think of except laxatives.
What foods will help end my suffering?

[Anonymous No.10773132]

Fiber

[Anonymous No.10773144]

Eat a whole jar of dill pickles, the salt content will make you shit like a horse

[Anonymous No.10773161]

>>10773128
You don't need food. You need a double bardex.

[Anonymous No.10773181]

>>10773128
P R U N E

[Anonymous No.10773189]

fresh fruit. eat lots
bran muffins
salads
>sooner or later, somethings gonna explode out

[Anonymous No.10773190]

Are you withdrawing from heroin or something?
Eat pinto beans with some shredded romaine. Or a salad.

[Anonymous No.10773204]

Prunes, apricots, any high fiber fruit in significant quantity will evacuate your bowels with explosive force.

[Anonymous No.10773208]

Fiber, water, exercise

[Anonymous No.10773215]

>>10773128
Lots of water. Go get some exercise too.

[Anonymous No.10773216]

Drano will solve your problems OP.

[Anonymous No.10773279]

>>10773128
smoke a cigarette

[Anonymous No.10773281]

>>10773128
Laxatives.
Seriously dude. If it was a few days I would have said take a walk and drink water but if this is real you need a doctor.

[Anonymous No.10773388]

Eat half a jar of pickles, drink two cups of coffee, and smoke two cigarettes.

[Anonymous No.10773466]

Is cabbage good for this?

t. 3x daily shutter, haven't shit yet today but ate around half a head earlier.

[Anonymous No.10773469]

Cup of black coffee and a bowl of broccoli

Foolproof

[Anonymous No.10773470]

>>10773132
>>10773181
>>10773189
>>10773204
>>10773208
OP here.
I put 4 peaches, 2 bananas, a handful of strawberries, a couple of prunes, with a bit of milk and greek yogurt in a blender.
It made two full glasses and I drank them both.

[Anonymous No.10773508]

>>10773470
That amount of fiber is only gonna make things worse if it's already been a week. I would be drinking a few gallons of water a day and not eating much. Alternate between hot and cold drinks to stinulate bowel movements

[Anonymous No.10773516]

>>10773128
Eat a cup of chia seeds washed down with a quart of coffee.

[Anonymous No.10773530]

Eating more won't help. Try to move around a lot and drink water.

Keep in mind, fecal impactions can literally kill you, so if the problem persists go to a doctor.

[Anonymous No.10773540]

>I've tried everything I can think of except the medicine made for this exact issue
I'm glad you're dying

[Anonymous No.10773575]

>>10773540
kek

[Anonymous No.10773621]

>>10773128
not food, but drink Medical Vaseline

[Anonymous No.10773646]

>>10773128
>I've tried everything I can think of except laxatives.
Try laxatives then.

[Anonymous No.10773648]

>>10773540
fucking this. why no laxatives?

[Anonymous No.10773662]

>>10773128
Try a KFC hotwing bucket. I had like 6 hotwings yesterday and got explosive diarrhea from it

[Anonymous No.10773669]

37C body temp enema. Porn stars do it all the time.

[Anonymous No.10773670]

>>10773128
Drink a small to medium sized cup of strong, black coffee really quickly. It doesn't have to be hot. You just need to drink it quickly and it needs to be black.

[Anonymous No.10773684]

>>10773128
A hospital.

[Anonymous No.10773697]

>>10773128
Senna tea, it's often sold with names like "healthy digestion" but in reality it'll make you shit like a champ. Drink with a lot of water.

A whole week is a long time though, at this point you may have to call a proctologist and get manually disimpacted.

[Anonymous No.10773713]

>>10773470
OP again.
I washed down the smoothies with about 40 ounces of water.

I feel like shit (pun not intended).

[Anonymous No.10773723]

Try taking a magnesium supplement.

[Anonymous No.10773724]

>>10773713
Now go for a jog.

[Anonymous No.10773819]

Have you tried prune juice?

[Anonymous No.10773848]

Listen to me anon.

If it's been a week and fiber won't help, just stop eating as other anons said.

Start popping laxatives, go for a walk and drink water and coffee. You need to shit soon. If you don't in 24 hours go to a doctor. If the build up ruptures inside u, u gonna die

[Anonymous No.10773870]

>>10773848
Week is already pushing it, he probably already suffered a lot of damage down there. Go to a doctor you fucking bafoon, they will remove a few kilos of shit from you, otherwise you will likely die before ambulance arrives. It will be too late anon, dont try to help yourself.

[Anonymous No.10773881]

>>10773713
We better get aftermath pictures.

[Anonymous No.10773892]

>>10773128
Spice and alcohol.
Go to your local sports bar for wings and whiskey.

[Anonymous No.10773924]

If you are really desperate, do an enema.
Just use your bathroom hose, warm water, low pressure, press it against your asshole and let some water in. Resist the urge to immediately dump it. Wait until you guess it's like 500+ml of water in there.

Then go sit in the toilet, try to keep the water in for like 2 minutes, and then let it out.

BE CAREFUL for hardened pieces of shits that might scrape your asshole when they exit with force, so DON'T PUSH the water out. LET IT OUT.

If it's not working try inserting a bit more water and laying on your back for a few minutes.

High changes that it will soften the shits and help you poop.

[Anonymous No.10773950]

I took a laxative once. After I shit i was so fucking relieved. I couldn't fart at all when I was constipated, I couldn't even move without having horrible abdominal pain. Took the laxative, waited for 2 hours in pain, sat on the toilet butt ass naked and full out scream with my hands and feet on the floor. I was gophering hard for 15 minutes then when it finally came out it was a fucking humongous turd and whole days of farts all coming out at once. I screamed as my asshole sang for at least 15 seconds, then collapsed panting.

The next fucking day I had to take tiny liquidy shits every 45 minutes because the laxative was still in my system, but I felt so much better

How did our ancestors live without medicine

[Anonymous No.10773959]

>>10773950
Poorly. Many often dying from shit we can easily cure AND prevent in the first place now.

There's a reason the "village elder" trope is some old man/woman who's in their 60's at best instead of closer to 100 or something.

[Anonymous No.10774018]

>>10773924
>Just use your bathroom hose
wat

[Anonymous No.10774031]

>>10774018
The thing that comes from the faucet and connects to the showerhead, just unscrew the showerhead.

[Anonymous No.10774043]

OP when you do go make sure you dont forget your poop knife

[Anonymous No.10774093]

OP again.
I got some out. I still feel bloated as fuck.

I'm going on a water diet until I clean myself out.

[Anonymous No.10774113]

>>10774093
Move around as much as you can. Walking is good, but do more intense exercise if you can handle it.

[Anonymous No.10774143]

>>10773128
magnesium citgrate

[Anonymous No.10774150]

>>10773950
>butt ass
buck ass

[Anonymous No.10774152]

the colon cleanse drink you get for a colonoscopy is not prescription
just go to a pharmacist and tell them you're getting one

[Anonymous No.10774165]

>>10774031
Do yuropoors really build their bathrooms like this?

[Anonymous No.10774169]

>>10774152
magnesium citrate. usually in a small glass bottle

[Anonymous No.10774173]

pic related worked as claimed.

Took some before bed as directed, woke up in the morning, and the clearing out began.

[Anonymous No.10774180]

>>10773959
>Many often dying from shit we can easily cure AND prevent in the first place now.
>Many often dying from shit

[Anonymous No.10774181]

Coffee

[Anonymous No.10774185]

Do a salt water flush, make sure to use quality salt

[Anonymous No.10774206]

>>10774185
>use quality salt

[Anonymous No.10774211]

pinto beans?

[Anonymous No.10774219]

>>10773128
be careful

the worst feeling in the world is diarrhoea behind a plug of constipation...... holy fuck

but damn do you feel relieved when you fire it out of your butthole

[Anonymous No.10774222]

Try eating some beans

[Anonymous No.10774224]

>>10774185
>>10774206
Maldon ONLY

[Anonymous No.10774260]

>>10774180

[Anonymous No.10774272]

>>10774260
Nice meme, Anon. Mind if I save it?

[Anonymous No.10774334]

>>10774272
By all means, just know that I stole it myself so you're receiving a stolen meme

[Anonymous No.10774359]

>>10773697
Holy fucking shit don't drink this. Seriously. Don't do it. I don't care how long your poo is stuck, this isn't worth it. I drank some at work by accident and I've been shitting my brains out. It was a slimming tea my cowoker said I should try, so I brewed it up, and Christ Almighty my asshole is like a fucking super soaker. I have a 20 minute drive home and I almost shit myself FOUR TIMES. I got pulled over for speeding, and I was like "alright, I'm going to level with you, if you keep me here for more than five minutes I'm going to shit my pants." The officer didn't believe me and took his time, so I got out of the car, shit on the side of the road, told him that I really need to get home or I'm going to have a bad time, and instead of writing a ticket, he escorted me all the way to my house, pulling over again on the middle of the highway for a second shit.

Fuck you Fernando. This is Satan's anus water.

[Anonymous No.10774370]

>>10774359
So you're saying it works.

[Anonymous No.10774375]

>>10773713
Strong coffee with cream and sugar. Like a Starbucks drink or something.
Works every time for me.

[Anonymous No.10774376]

>>10774370
Yes. It took like 6 hours to kick in, but I swear on my battered bung hole it will make you shit. I steeped it for 10 minutes like a tard.

[Anonymous No.10774380]

I'm monitoring this thread for shit pics. Wonder if pic related could help out...
>>10774359
I dont believe you.

[Anonymous No.10774396]

>>10774380
I'm literally on the shitter as we speak. I had a picture of the remains of dump number eight, but I know you're going to masturbate so you can fuck off.

[Anonymous No.10774405]

>>10773128
Are you using any drugs, like oxycodone? Be honest now, Anon.

[Anonymous No.10774406]

>>10774396
I just want to see what it looks like. I'm just curious. It's like rate my poo or whatever, I'm not into poop.

[Anonymous No.10774451]

>>10774406
Anon, I've shit so much it's like powder. The next thing that's coming out is my eyebrows, followed by my soul, followed by someone else's eyebrows.

[Anonymous No.10774478]

>>10773697
Seconding this tea because it works well for me but be careful, it works on a serious time delay. You'll think it didn't work at all, and then out of nowhere, your colon will be evacuating a brown river.

>>10774359
Why phrase it as a bad thing?

[Anonymous No.10774513]

>>10773128
Insane quantities of lettuce. Prunes. Prune juice. You'll shit.

[Anonymous No.10774521]

>>10774451
I'm just saying, sounds like a stolen haribo review. Don't care enough to check for plagiarism but a cop didn't escort you home and you didn't shut in front of a cop.

[Anonymous No.10774523]

>>10774031

Attach something you can cram up your ass onto that. Don't burn yourself.

[Anonymous No.10774530]

>>10774478
You willingly subject yourself to this madness?

I christen thee AssBlaster: Champion of Crackistan, Slayer of the Fecal Hordes, Grand Poobah of Imperial Deffication, and Lord of the Seven Deadly Shits.

[Anonymous No.10774564]

>>10773128
Give yourself a fucking enema. Squirt water up your ass. If they don’t have one at a drug store, they will have them at a sex shop. A cheaper alternative is a sitz bath at a drug store. The bag and hose that come with it are a good replacement for an enema kit. If you get an enema kit from a sex shop, they will assume you’re a faggot, just like we do.

[Anonymous No.10774616]

I know you've already solved your problem, but one time I ate like 20 dried apricots and they gave me the shits really bad

[Anonymous No.10774629]

>>10774616
More like gapricots, amirite?

[Anonymous No.10774630]

buy some cough syrup extremely high in sorbitol and chug it.

[Anonymous No.10774643]

>>10773950
>when the shit is so tall that it hits the toilet bowl, and then scrapes your testicles as it falls over

[Anonymous No.10774645]

>>10773128
Literally just take laxatives, what the fuck. You probably need stool softener.

Go buy Miralax and take it daily until your stool is too soft (basically until you get diarrhea). I think they sell a generic version at Costco.

[Anonymous No.10774749]

>>10774645

You'll never know the feeling of purging your entire large intestine with warm water and a tube you cram up your ass about a foot and a half. It just races out of you and you're good.

[Anonymous No.10774766]

>>10774749
3rd reply beat you to it, buttboy.

[Anonymous No.10774898]

Honestly the thing that always does the trick for me is just drinking like a 12 pack of beer

It will be painful but heavy drinking never fails to give me the shits no matter how backed up I am

[Anonymous No.10775106]

>>10773128
How little do you shit in order to figure out that a week without doing it is too long?

[Anonymous No.10775114]

>>10773128
Miralax

[Anonymous No.10775244]

my secret: diet ice cream.

>sugar alcohols
>celluose

the sugar alcohols have two prong effect: the first is an osmotic action that draws water into your intestines. secondly, they're an irritant. your body wants to purge them, and fast.

the celluose provides bulk fiber.

[Anonymous No.10775266]

you want to wreck some real intestinal havoc?

diet ice cream + nicotine + caffeine

>sugar alcohols
>stimulants
>celluose

you'll have some real angry bowels. they'll want to completely empty out.

[Anonymous No.10775268]

>>10773128
'Vark sauce

[Anonymous No.10775884]

just found this thread and want to say, never chang /ck/. this shit made me laugh

[Anonymous No.10775890]

>>10773128
So you tried an enema and it didn't work? Or you couldn't think of an enema? If so, why did that obvious option never spring to mind?

[Anonymous No.10776069]

>>10773128
If you dont address this soon you will need to start worrying about your colon/intestines losing blood flow from constriction and require surgery to avoid death (parts of your colon will need to be removed and you'll be given a colostomy bag)

Drink some magnesium citrate and your ass will become a volcano in no time.

[Anonymous No.10776081]

If youve been clogged for a week then you need tons of liquid - cold water, warm water, salt water, water with vinegar mixed in it.
Then go jogging, deliberately change your pace, long steps, short steps, then run like hell for some time, that'll get your bowels moving.
Even better if you got large forest nearby with uneven terrain so just jogging there stimulates your guts, just pack some near-empty toilet paper roll for the shit you are about to take.

[Anonymous No.10776083]

Did you survive, severely constipated anon?

[Anonymous No.10776343]

>>10773128
cherries

[Anonymous No.10776430]

>>10774616
why the hell did you eat twenty dried apricots

[Anonymous No.10776456]

Cabbage soup

[Anonymous No.10776474]

>>10773697
This is the answer

[Anonymous No.10776540]

>>10773128
https://www.amazon.com/Albanese-Candy-Assorted-Flavors-Gluten/product-reviews/B00DE4GWWY/ref=cm_cr_dp_d_show_all_btm?ie=UTF8&reviewerType=all_reviews

[Anonymous No.10776542]

>>10773128
I have chronic constipation and have had it since I was around 11 years old. Don't make the same mistake as me just eat as much fibre as you can unless you want to drink sachets on sachets of movicol, sodium picosulphate, senacot and lactulose for the rest of your life. Movicol is the most disgusting taste on Earth.

[Anonymous No.10776628]

>>10774018
t*rkish bathrooms are apparently a hole and a hose

[Anonymous No.10776629]

>>10773950
>then collapsed panting.
HOT

[Anonymous No.10776630]

>>10774219
I like to call em wine bottle shits

[Anonymous No.10776688]

>>10776430
I got a bag of them and they were really good. I didn't think about all the fiber in them. Whoops

[Anonymous No.10776710]

>>10773128
down one liter of kefir milk and you should be shitting like a champion

[Anonymous No.10776720]

>>10776710
i would really question that kefir milk

[Anonymous No.10777216]

>>10776720
in the US they pasteurize, radiate and add sulfur based preservatives to kefir milk, the US kefir milk is dead, this US tendency to kill food is probably the reason why Americans are the sickest and most obese people on earth, get some none pasteurized sauerkraut and kefir milk, down them both and you will be clogging the toilet with shit

[Anonymous No.10777241]

>>10773128
laxatives

or, just eat a 1L jar of pickles in one sitting

trust me, that'll flush you real good

[Anonymous No.10777268]

>>10773924
>>10774031
>>10774523
>pressurized water
>enema
DO NOT DO THIS YOU WILL BURST YOUR FUCKING COLON

[Anonymous No.10777285]

>>10777241
why pickles? they arent particularly high in fiber

[Anonymous No.10777288]

>>10773128
yoga loosens up the doodies

i fart pretty bad everytime i do yoga and often have good stinky shits afterwards

you might even be able to find yoga sessions specifically for digestive health on the internet

oh and maybe try a squatty-potty. squatting on the seat is kind of dangerous if you fall in you might end up with shitty feet

[Anonymous No.10777328]

>>10773128
Just have an enema.
>>10773161
God, anon, I love you for being so kinky, just like me.

[Anonymous No.10777331]

Get me in the screencap boyos

[Anonymous No.10777342]

>>10777331
There ain't gunna be a screencap without shit pics...

[Anonymous No.10777345]

>>10777342
That's what I'm waiting on, Anon

[Anonymous No.10777500]

>>10774359
Reporting in one day later. I'm still shitting. STILL SHITTING.

[Anonymous No.10777539]

>>10777500
dubs of shit CONFIRM

[Anonymous No.10777549]

>>10773190
>withdrawing from heroin
>constipated
Pick one.

[Anonymous No.10777554]

>>10773128
Domino's Pizza. More effective than Dulcolax.

If desperate, use a dulcolax suppository followed by a Fleet enema.

[Anonymous No.10777616]

>believing a word of this thread without pics
>>10774521
Why is OP always a faggot?

[Anonymous No.10778089]

OP again.
I had the squirts at work today, but the main event is still to come.
I can feel it. I'm bloated as fuck and just want the misery to end.

[Anonymous No.10778177]

One time at a fancy Italian restaurant I took a shit so huge and so dense that it formed a bridge over the bowl and no matter how much I flushed it wouldn't go down. It smelled demonic and it was halfway out of the water so the smell really spread. It was so bad you could still smell it from our table at the other end of the restaurant, and I overheard other tables talking about the smell.

[Anonymous No.10779089]

>>10778177
Jesus, and I was worried about flushing twice at taco bell. The stench didn't spread thank goodness and no one else got in while I was shitting. Feels good. Thanks taco bell, you helped my constipation that day.

[Anonymous No.10779144]

>>10773128
All these niggers talking about what you need to eat, but none of them talking about what you need to DO. Wake up earlier. You're sleeping past poop-o-clock and your colon is closing up shop until the next day. You need to get a good night's sleep and wake up nice and early, eat a nice breakfast with a nice cup of coffee.

[Anonymous No.10779407]

>>10773881
We want pics nigger
>>10773128

[Anonymous No.10779418]

>>10774043
>OP when you do go make sure you dont forget your poop knife
What

[Anonymous No.10779443]

>>10779418
>2018
>not using trusty poop knife
lurk moar

[Anonymous No.10779462]

>>10779418
Kek, newfag doesn't know about most glorious poop knife.

[Anonymous No.10779470]

>>10773128
coffee

[Anonymous No.10779496]

>>10774478

The tea works in about 6-12 hours. Just drink it before bed and when you wake up, have a shit

[Anonymous No.10779515]

This was a waste, not sure why I got my Hope's up for a week of poop in a toilet but the disappointment is there nonetheless