/ck/ - Food & Cooking

[Anonymous No.10424115]

ITT: Times you had a run-in with the grocery store jester
>go to the grocery to store to pick up some ingredients since I was going to cook a lasagna for my hot albanian date
>I zig zag through the isles grabbing all of the ingredients to avoid the jester
>when I slow down I try my best not to do the virgin walk and make myself a target
>as I get within 10 feet within the cashier I slip and slide on the floor right into a table with samples of glue
>The damned jester noticed me and pissed in front of the check out

[Anonymous No.10424129]

>pack trolley with groceries for the week
>park it aside get chips from the chips aisle which is full of people
>jester takes my trolley away

[Anonymous No.10424130]

Interesting concept. Poor execution. Try again.

[Anonymous No.10424136]

>>10424130
Faggot this is the funniest one to date.

[Anonymous No.10424137]

>one of the first times I'm away from my mother, like 4, shopping with my grandmother
>she leaves me alone for a minute to get something just around the corner
>this clone is handing out balloons and sparklers to people near the meat section
> the cops show up to arrest him, but he hits them with a confetti gun and throws marbles and tacks on the floor before clown-show waddle-running out towards the exit honking a horn
It's still so surreal.

[Anonymous No.10424835]

>spend too long deciding what flavor of Pringles to buy
>jester pulls down my pants

[Anonymous No.10425408]

>Going to the bakery section of my favorite grocery
>Gonna get some baked goods to keep me comfy in the cold weather
>See a cherry pie, freshly baked, absolutely perfect crust
>Grab it immediately, can't wait to get home and enjoy
>Jester comes out of fucking nowhere and in one swift motion grabs the pie out of my hands, removes it from the box, and slings it into the face of a nearby pregnant woman

Why hasn't anyone done anything about this

[Anonymous No.10425438]

>Shopping five months ago
>at the canned beans, making chili
>toss cannelinis in my cart
>reach down for kidney beans
>hear tattletale sound of jingling bells
>close my eyes and freeze, pretend not to hear him
>jester hoots and hollars and skips down the aisle behind me
>breath sigh of relief
>turn to put beans in cart
>there's a two year old in the cart staring at me
>taped to his chest are adoption papers
>signed in my name and signature

[Anonymous No.10425523]

>>10424115
There aren't any jesters anymore and they wouldn't have them in grocery stores anyway. They were in courts and stuff to perform for leaders.

[Anonymous No.10425545]

>>10424130
>Interesting concept. Poor execution. Try again.
Who invited this faggot?

[Anonymous No.10425557]

>>10425523
Are you in the US? This is quite common in the UK.
>Shopping for some bangers and mash in tesco
>hear the jester cartwheeling about behind me, pay him no heed
>"a sausage for your mouth m'lud?" he says having taken one out of the packet and wiggled it in my face
>ignore him and move on but checkout girl says I have to pay for the extra pack of sausages he opened.
Total bullshit that this is still normal practice here. Although a similar porky incident happened with a Muslim man in London which caused quite a bit of controversy, so maybe the authorities will actually do something about it.

[Anonymous No.10425561]

>>10425557
Don't be stupid there's no way this actually happened.

[Anonymous No.10425565]

>>10425557
>retardattemptshumor.jpg

[Anonymous No.10425569]

>unloading cart at busy checkout lane
>find out there's 20 boxes of tampons in my cart
>jester is behind counter, looking at me like I'm some kind of freak
Who's he to judge.

[Anonymous No.10425578]

So after all these years I still can't figure out,
Are the jester's like hired staff or are they malevolent entities that just show up in markets?
Wondering because I've never seen one in a hardware store and figured it'd be pretty destructive if they hired them there.

[Anonymous No.10425582]

>>10424130
Holy shit the absolute state of this newfag

[Anonymous No.10425585]

>>10425565
>he clicked the wrong link and can't find his way back to the little alien site

[Anonymous No.10425587]

>>10425438
Best one

[Anonymous No.10425589]

>>10425585
>>>/tv/
Faggot.

[Anonymous No.10425592]

a thread was deleted for this

[Anonymous No.10425593]

>>10425578
They're all independent contractors in my country. It's mandatory under the Supermarket Affiliation Act 1991 to prevent them from unionising again and preventing things getting out of hand like they did in the late 80's

[Anonymous No.10425594]

>>10425565
It was kinda funny actually.

[Anonymous No.10425596]

>>10425589
Huh?

[Anonymous No.10425633]

>>10424115
>samples of glue
were you fucking glued to the floor when you posted this?

[Anonymous No.10425638]

>>10425557
Jesters are rare in the US, but we have clowns. They're worse since they aren't as creative

[Anonymous No.10425729]

>be shopping
>in and out real fast because I'm a man and I know what I need to cook my meals for the next few days
>hear high pitched screaming
>turn around and see the supermarket jester took a cart away from a woman and is spinning it in circles like a dreidel
>there's a kid in the cart screaming
>the cart is so unbalanced it starts wobbling and tipping over
>everyone looks on in horror sure that this kid is gonna get brained against the floor
>jester grabs the cart and brings it to s halt
>for one brief moment everyone is relieved that we didn't witness a homicide
>kid pukes everywhere
>everyone laughs and takes out their phones to take selfies with the kid
>some shoppers lay down on the ground and take selfies with the puke
>kid is crying
>after paying for my shit I see the kid and mom heading to their SUV
>the jester happens to be nearby, so I give him a silver dollar and tell him to go do it again
>his smile is gone
>he looks me dead in the eyes
>I'll never forget what he said
>"You fool. Do you believe your money can move mountains? Do you wish you were adored by all? Do you know what it's like to never feel a warm summer breeze, or a hand to hold?"
>then he threw the money on the ground and chased the kid and mom around the parking lot making Indian battle cries

[Anonymous No.10425744]

We get mimes in our french supermarkets. Not nearly as dangerous I'll admit, but they can be quite frightening.

[Anonymous No.10425747]

>working at Whole Foods
>some mousy-looking young woman tries to bamboozle me by putting a regular like sticker on a key lime in a hare-brained attempt to save money
>"Oh, it looks like you accidentally mislabeled this lime, let me help you."

[Anonymous No.10425766]

>at the grocery store buying peanuts
>try shaking a cam of peanuts to see how full it is
>a fake spring snake pops out of the can and gouged me in the eye
>I stumble back and step on some soap on the floor
>try to steady myself claiming my arms around and accidentally grope an old woman's bussom
>she hits me with her purse, and I fall backwards onto a shelf full of pies
>when I get to work the next day all my coworkers are laughing about me because the Jester posted a video of his shenanigan on youtube

Fucking Jester.

[Anonymous No.10425769]

>>10425408
> Still have to pay for the pie

[Anonymous No.10425792]

> be me
> shopping cart is full of tendies
> a box of them fell off onto the floor
> i bend over to get it
> fucking jester sneaks behind me and buttfucks me into next week

[Anonymous No.10425800]

Not me, but one I saw.

>Grocery store jester has a child trapped inside a coin operated ride: keeping him and his mother separated by dancing a jig between the two.
>Every time the ride stops the jester just puts in more money and continues his merry jig.

[Anonymous No.10425959]

>tv tries to post their redit robert on ck

[Anonymous No.10426158]

>>10425959
>everything I don't like is reddit
don't you get tired of yourself?

[Anonymous No.10426210]

>>10425959
FOR HE HIMSLEF HAS SAID IT
THAT EVERY POST IS REDDIT
FOR HE IS ANONYMOUS

[Anonymous No.10426218]

>be shopping at the sauces/condiments section
>throrougly reading all the labels to check for gluten free and halal certifications.
>the jester creeps up to me with an opened bottle of tobasco and screws the threaded end into my exposed penes.
>instantly get hard so it all the tobasco runs into my urethra,which is since then narrowed quite a bit.
>get home
>pain is excruciating
>only my fingerboxes can keep me from going insane.
>to to school next day
>fail penes inspection day

[Anonymous No.10426269]

>>10426158
>>10426210
https://www.reddit.com/r/pepe/
K

[Anonymous No.10426476]

>>10426269
>links to a website about peep
>nobody in the thread was talking about Pepe until you brought him up

Are you sure you're not the redditor?

[Anonymous No.10426505]

>Go to supermarket
>Forgot my key and have to borrow one of my neighbor's rental keys which is super fucking embarrassing
>His rental key is ridiculously loud and shitty
>Can hear literally every single tumbler turning and creaking as I unlock it.
>Finally open door to go inside
>Jester was holding the lock from the other side the entire time

[Anonymous No.10426552]

>>10426476
Think he's actually trying to shill that place?

[Anonymous No.10426554]

>Bring my mom's scale to the grocery store to help weigh out my gold before purchase (so the cashier doesn't have to bother)
>Get to cashier after shopping and load the scale onto the belt
>Measure out my weights while it moves along
>Jester comes in and snips the scale's strings
>Forced to let the cashier pinch however much gold dust he wants out of my pouch
>"Heh he h that'll do, that'll do"

FUCK EVERY TIME

[Anonymous No.10426720]

>ride my bike for two miles to the store to get my weekly meals
>lock my bike up outside with my backpack
1am shopper, fuck riding this bike in the day with traffic
>jester is sitting in that security room just watching me
>classic coffee in one hand and legs crossed on the desk
>he downs the coffee and sprints out of the chair so fast it's still spinning as the door shuts behind him
>hear little bells jingling across the store
>keep thinking I see little shoe and hat bells prairie doggin' behind aisles
>make my way to the meat section
>bells are getting ominous and much louder
>no jester
>hear a laugh
>no jester
>wait for a minute pretending to look at nutrition labels
>no jester
>turn around and see jester hanging form the ceiling
>he drops down and rips open the perfect bag of chicken breasts
I had to cook at like 3am when I had work at 4 because of this joker.

[Anonymous No.10426766]

>>10424130
this but unironically

[Anonymous No.10426782]

>it's quiet in the store.
>a bit too quiet.
>only need some cheese, detergent and toilet paper. trying to get it done fast.
>sneak through the aisles. carefully listening for signs of danger.
>suddenly hear some faint jingling in the far distance..
>silence again..
>that sounded at a safe distance, so this is my chance.
>quickly grab what I need, check out, and run back to the car.
>fucking made it!
>race back home, happy I got out unscathed.
>get groceries from trunk..
>SURPRISE!
>I shit myself when that god damn jester jumps from trunk at me.
>he floors me, then sits on my face and lets out a huge fart.
>runs of laughing hysterically.
>disoriented I get up, and grab my stuff which is all over the road.
>find out he shit all over my toilet paper.
I swear to god..

[Anonymous No.10427279]

>>10426782
They're out of hand, aren't they? I went as that Jester once as a kid, that one in your pic.
>>10424115
>need some general hygiene shit and proton bars
>hop in the whip and on my way to the store
>arrive and there's no one in the store, not even a cashier or stock person
>get the heebie jeebies
>walk around looking for someone
>dead silence
>sprinklers activate
>hear slide doors on other side of store open
>heebie praise jebuz
>can't leave without these donuts, these donuts ain't gonna eat themselves
>grab the donuts and head to the nearest help desk
>see a bunch of dead corpses lying behind the help desk
>jester is on the tv smiling at me
>the corpses rise from the dead
>it's a necromancer jester
oh_fugg.gif
>whip out my laser battle axe
>my shoes start to light up like classic sketchers and my shield aura activates coating me in a nigh impenetrable field of energy
>battle through corpses of dead, fat Americans like a zombie apocalypse to the jester's final battleground
>turns out he can fly
>he flies away and shits on my head like a bird
fucking jesters can be pretty dangerous as well guise, be careful out there. don't skimp on your mounts and flying gear

[Anonymous No.10427295]

>>10424115
Kill Jester.

[Anonymous No.10427304]

>go to store for shit to make for family thing
>store jester appears and tries to get me to buy tonys pizza
>decline and go down aisle
>same fucking jester
>decline offer again
>go to grab beans
>jester behind can asking me if I'm interested in tonys
>look at can I just put in the basket
>its tonys
>nothing but tonys on the shelves
>decide to just cheap out and get some at gas station near me
>go for cheese
>more fucking tonys
>it's everywhere
>cardboard boxes for floor tiles
>I just want shredded cheese nigga
>jester appears with his NPC dialogue
>cave in and willing buy some tonys
>leave store with minimal shit for gathering but 10 boxes of tonys
>dad yells at me and calls me a shithead

[Anonymous No.10427377]

>>10427279
Ah, so rare encounter with a jester in an American market. Your weapon probably wouldn't have done much given you probably only prepared for the clowns native to the US.

[Anonymous No.10427582]

>>10424136
nah it really wasn't good

[Anonymous No.10427667]

>>10425729
Powerful.

[Anonymous No.10427679]

>>10426505
Do you work at the supermarket or do you live in some third world country where you need keys to shop there?

[Anonymous No.10427689]

>touring in the UK
>mention to my UK friends I need to go to the store, they all give each other knowing looks
>at the grocery store to buy some hamburgers, their all in the fucking back of the store with the other American foods
>hear some jingling and laughter along the way
>everyone is giving me strange looks for how careless I am as I head for the back
>reach the back and reach too grab my burger patties
>someone taps me on the back, turn and nobody is thete
>shrug and turn back to grab patties
>they have been replaced with halal meat, now sensing a terrorist, I draw my AR15 (I had to sneak it in, without my gun I would be dead)
>jester jumps out from the shelf and I start shooting
>rather than bullets it shoots confetti and the jester throws the real bullets at me
>try to grab them, when I look up my AR is now a water gun
>just grab the patties and run for the exit
>a mariachi band starts to play, get to the front and the jester had allied with fellow jesters from other stores, all playing in the band
>the jester points up to the TV with the BBC
>It's me looking terrified because I though Mexicans and Terrorists were attacking
>everyone is laughing at me
>quickly cut some of my fat off (about 5 pounds) to pay for the patties and then lean a defeated man

[Anonymous No.10427703]

The Jesters in Canada suck all they do is sit at the front doors and tell you to have a great day from an uncomfortable speaking distance as you leave, I blame liberal nanny state hand holding

[Anonymous No.10427730]

>go to seafood section to get some shrimp
>jester is prancing around, man with a lute is playing music
>jester picks up a toddler from a cart and dips him in the lobster tank by his ankles
>kid is crying and everyone is laughing and taking pictures
>eventually jester stops and gives the kid a coupon for French's Classic Yellow Mustard

[Anonymous No.10429358]

>>10426782
brap

[Anonymous No.10430263]

>>10425557
Hahahahahaha

[Anonymous No.10430417]

>tfw spent a weekend in the lock up for beating up a jester

[Anonymous No.10430437]

>>10424130
you're a slop of real shit senpai

[Anonymous No.10430555]

>>10425565
Newfag

[Anonymous No.10430589]

>>10430555
You're the newfag. This shit is cancer.

[Anonymous No.10430886]

>>10430589
>T. Had his grocery cart filled with brillo pads by the jester when he wasn't looking
Lmao@u

[Anonymous No.10430896]

>be customer at store
>Jester tackles me and forces me to sell mobster outfits
>be costumer at store

[Chocolad No.10431010]

>in the meat and dairy section
>ask butcher if there are any sales
>says he could ask me the same
>jester is fellating me
>goddammit.jpg
>nutttttt all over the fucking jesters face as everyone is laughing at his antics
>jester says that milk sausage will be 20% off for 20 minutes
>jester stretches my balls over his eyes
>"you've earned 2 for 1 meatballs with this coupon and here's a free BAG of balls for being such a sport"

go home with and enjoy meatball sub. saved 40 dollars due to the jester. fucking grocery store jester

[Anonymous No.10431275]

>>10425729
the jester is truly a force to be reckoned with

[Anonymous No.10433194]

>>10431010
He was surprisingly benevolent here. You should feel lucky