Random Food Greentexts

[Anonymous No.10193422]

>making cup noodles naked
>boiling water splashes on my dick

[Anonymous No.10193431]

>cooking steak naked
>boiling butter splashes on my dick

[Anonymous No.10193437]

>>Frying bacon naked??

[Anonymous No.10193469]

>turning the stove on naked
>get kicked out of Home Depot

[Anonymous No.10193700]

>eating chicken drumstick
>bites cartilage

[Anonymous No.10193709]

>>10193700
and what about your dick?

[Anonymous No.10193730]

>>10193437

Better to put it in the toaster oven, IMO. Easier cleanup and you can do it bare-ass naked without burning your shit.

[Anonymous No.10193743]

>trying to make an American-style BLT
>lid of the lettuce can is bent and won't open

[Anonymous No.10193751]

>>10193743

Lettuce comes in cans? Wouldn't that make it all soggy and shitty?

[Anonymous No.10193755]

>>10193743
>lettuce can

[Anonymous No.10193858]

>>10193751
>>10193755
>Britbongs don't know about lettuce cans.

[Anonymous No.10193889]

>>10193422
>frying pork belly
>heat is super hot
>super hot to super hot, hot
>loud pops of oil splattering to the sides
>lean over and turn down burner
>while im leaning over a blotch of hot oil shoots into my left eye
>still cant see out of it 1 week later
>medicine not working

push me to the edge all my friends are dead

[Anonymous No.10193900]

>>10193889
shouldve deployed your safety squints

[Anonymous No.10194063]

>>10193743
>lettuce can

[Anonymous No.10194087]

>>10193889
>pork belly
>frying
Kitchen gods are punishing you for ruining good meat. Learn your lesson and move on.

[Anonymous No.10194120]

>>10193743
>Canned lettuce
Bro do you like diarrhoea? The fresh stuff is 99 cents a head are the two quarters you save really worth the stress on your intestines?

[Anonymous No.10194218]

>depression
>get up to cook something cause muh tum tum hurts
>only have 1 pack of chicken top ramen and the 2 end slices of bread
>get distracted cook ramen to long so its all mushy and cant eat it
>have to make and eat to toasted end pieces of bread

[Anonymous No.10194229]

>flippin pacakes
>in muh tighty whities

[Anonymous No.10194409]

>Making dough for the first time
>Don't know shit about cooking
>Put in 1/4 cup of sugar
>The recipe asked for 1/4 tbsp
>Only realised why the dough was so sweet a few weeks later

[Anonymous No.10194439]

>>10193422
>friend asks "you want some bacon?"
>reply "sure!"
>hear 5 seconds of uninterrupted sizzle
>10 seconds of uninterrupted sizzle
>"it's ready!"
>friend stares at me while I begrudgingly eat the stringy weird tasting and feeling trichinosis slices after he devours his

I get the "I want chewy bacon" thing, but come the fuck on

[Anonymous No.10194448]

>>10193730
some dipshit always has to take everything seriously
fuck

[Anonymous No.10194456]

>make breakfast for bf
>he eats ass instead

[Anonymous No.10194464]

>making cookies
>dough tastes really sweet but whatever
>start cooking those bad boys
>pull them out and take a bite
>teeth feel like they shatter as I bite into a rock
>realize I used powdered sugar rather than flour

[Anonymous No.10194496]

>>10194456
>tfw I want to eat my ex's ass so badly

[Anonymous No.10194515]

>going drinking with coworkers later on this week
>budgeting because I want to get shitfaced and all the bars around here are expensive
>eating sandwiches and cereal for a week
>desperately want to make the meals I usually eat

[Anonymous No.10194536]

>>10194439
Bacon is cured meat, you can eat it raw.

[Anonymous No.10194544]

>>10194536
I've heard this before, I still don't trust or like it without cooking it fully. Not even crispy-fully, but at least to the temperature that's recommended on the package.

[Anonymous No.10194548]

>>10194515
>eating like shit for an entire week
>just so you can go out drinking
What a pathetic life you lead.

[Anonymous No.10194637]

>chopping up carrots
>accidentally circumcised myself

[Anonymous No.10194665]

>>10194536
Then why do they refrigerate it?

[Anonymous No.10194668]

>>10194665
food smells better refrigeragted dumbass

[Anonymous No.10194726]

>>10194668
Is that why they serve cheese straight out of the refrigerator? to prevent the aromatic compounds from escaping to my nose?

[Anonymous No.10194734]

>>10193469
lol

[Anonymous No.10194756]

>steaming hotdogs in the kitchen
>accidentally inhale some
steam
>be high as a kite for the next hour

[Anonymous No.10194757]

>>10193743
Can lettuce

[Anonymous No.10194779]

>Be chopping sausage.
>Put sausage on my pizza.
>Realize sausage is actually my dick.
>Mfw I cut up my dick.

[Anonymous No.10194783]

>>10194726
okay he phrased it badly but lower temperatures will make the volatile compound less volatile and last longer. However when serving you still want to release those compounds by bringing it to room temp

[Anonymous No.10195931]

>>10193422

>making cup noodles naked
>accidentally boil my own noodle

Wala

[Anonymous No.10195940]

>>10195931
Literally lol-ing out loud

[Anonymous No.10195958]

>>10194779
>mfw your dick is fucking delicious

[Anonymous No.10195959]

>be me
>American
>don't cook so I go to mcdonalds for the 2nd time today
>get shot
>nigger stole my mcdonalds
>mfw

[Anonymous No.10195967]

>making hot dogs
>accidentally cooked my dog

>>10195959
your doing it wrong, go take your obsession somewhere else

[Anonymous No.10195981]

>>10195931

[Anonymous No.10195990]

>>10194665
Because microbes that cause spoilage are not necessarily pathogens.

[Anonymous No.10196358]

>>10193889
what fucking medicine do you think will help you

[Anonymous No.10196368]

>depressed
>make a grilled cheese sandwich with ham instead of cheese
>feel less depressed

[Anonymous No.10196383]

>>10196358
painkillers probably

[Anonymous No.10196407]

>hungry
>put eight hot dogs on a plate
>cheese on top of hot dogs
>microwave
>add mustard and spicy rooster ketchup
>add milk
>less hungry now

[Anonymous No.10196464]

>That frying pan is hot?
>It is and the hand wet
>Curses!

[Anonymous No.10197088]

>>10196464
nice

[Anonymous No.10197105]

>come back home for christmass
>my mother still rinses dishes before putting them into the dish-washer
>keep telling her that the dish-washer will clean them, no need to waste water and time rinsing stuff
>still keeps doing it after all these years
It's not that it makes me angry anymore, it's just a pet peeve.

[Anonymous No.10197123]

>>10193743

[Anonymous No.10198512]

>Be amused by the snarky Wendy's twitter and memes a few months ago
>get fast food for the first time in literally years
It was pretty good, honestly, though the 4 for $4 was a bit too much food. No wonder Americans are so fucking fat. Effective marketing though.

[Anonymous No.10198675]

>New oven, start preheating
>Completely naked
>Come back, oven is off
>Forgot that I have to press another button before it actually starts heating

[Anonymous No.10198710]

>making dought for pizza
>getting perfect stickiness/consistency
>growing beaurtifully
>streches like a dream
>grows in the oven perfectly
>get it out, taste it
>mfw I forgot salt at the beginning, it's bland
Fuck me.

[Anonymous No.10198718]

>>10195990
shouldn't matter, go to any italian deli and look at all the hanging meat

[Anonymous No.10198762]

>>10193422

i spent a week in hospital when i was 14 because i spilled cup noodles on my dick
the bottom of my penis is still scarred

[Anonymous No.10198795]

I get 195 degree water on my dick while I'm making coffee pretty much every morning. quit being a baby

[Anonymous No.10198800]

>>10193422
>>10193437
I live alone so do most of my cooking naked. Tiny droplets of hot oil splash out on my tummy and penis most days of the week. It's not that bad. The pain quickly dissipates, and it doesn't even leave a mark. I'm more worried that about it going in an eye one day.

[Anonymous No.10198848]

>>10198795
>>10198800

try not splashing hot water and oil on your dicks you fucking retards

[Anonymous No.10198868]

>Go to make popcorn via the kernels.
>Turn on stove with pot + oil
>Go upstairs to play a game of Halo while i wait for the oil to heat up
>1 game of Halo turns into 3 bc im dumb
>FUK FUK FUK
>Run downstairs to see a 4 foot tall flame skyrocketing out of this pot
>FUK FUK FUK
>Immediatly slap a lid on that pan and suffocate that grease fire
>mfw we had high ceilings, so my parents never found out i nearly burnt the house down

[Anonymous No.10198944]

>>10193889
Good I hope you lose your vision for quoting some gay ass cringy rap. Fucking loser

[Anonymous No.10198994]

>>10198944

kill yourself

[Anonymous No.10199029]

>>10194515

can't you buy something cheap and get a few in you before going out?

[Anonymous No.10199043]

>>10198994
Neck yourself. Cringy faggot. Fuck that was such a cringy comment. Like who actually listens to that song

[Anonymous No.10199559]

>>10196358

steroids,

I tore my retina pretty bad, and got steroid eye drops that helped fix it.

[Anonymous No.10199569]

>>10193422
>Eating burritos wrapped in paper
>consume paper without noticing since it tastes like lettuce

[Anonymous No.10199595]

>>10199569
I do that with starburst if the wrapper gets stuck

[Anonymous No.10199604]

>>10198868
How would you have time to even play even one game of Halo while the oil heats up? There's barely time to go to the toilet.

[Anonymous No.10199617]

>>10199569
I do this with in n out burgers

[Anonymous No.10199646]

>>10193743
>canned lettuce

[Anonymous No.10199674]

>>10199043
what a fucking cry baby. shut the fuck up

[Anonymous No.10199760]

>>10198868
>via the kernels

[Anonymous No.10200021]

>>10193469
excellent post sir

[Anonymous No.10200031]

>>10194409
no recipe in the history of the world has ever called for "1/4 tb" of anything

[Anonymous No.10200848]

>>10195931
Ok, you win.
Laughed like a fucking maniac

[Anonymous No.10200885]

>>10200031
>>Making dough for the second time
>>Don't know shit about cooking
>>Put in 1/4 tbsp of sugar
>>Not gonna fuck it up this time
>>The recipe asked for 1/4 tsp
>>Only realised why the dough was still a bit sweet a few weeks later

[Anonymous No.10201276]

>>10200031
Go read more recipes fuck tard

[Anonymous No.10201288]

>>10194218
>>get distracted cook ramen to long so its all mushy and cant eat it
microwave it till the excess moisture is gone

[Anonymous No.10201292]

>>10199674
you are both faggots but unlike him you're a faggot with shit taste
kill yourself

[Anonymous No.10201883]

>>10200031
2 ingredients call for a quarter, what? why do you even breath, anon?

[Anonymous No.10201923]

>>10199569
Maybe it's your lettuce that taste like paper, your should try fresh one.

[Anonymous No.10201967]

>>10195959
I bet he stole your bike too

[Anonymous No.10202105]

>>10194536
a lot of bacon is uncured now

[Anonymous No.10202188]

>>10199760
His popcorn runs GNU/Linux.

[Anonymous No.10202209]

>Be at home alone one day
>Seriously need to beat it
>Can't find anything, so look in the pantry
>A stale old hot dog bun in the back
>Whythefucknot.jpg
>Take both halves, sandwich them together and start rubbing
>It feels scratchy like sandpaper, but good enough
>Now it starts hurting, like something is driving litle pins into my dick
>Thefuck
>Look down
>A fucking swarm of black is crawling all over me and down my legs
>AAAAAANTS
>immediately throw the bun on the floor and start stomping on it
>its hard as a rock so it doesn't break
>They're fucking everywhere
>Quickly run to the sink and start running cold water in an attempt to drown them
>the crafty fuckers all flee into the pubes
>screaming and sticking my hips further and further into the sink hoping to flood them all out
>Its not working
>Start slaming a fucking saucepan on my junk hoping to beat them off
>CLANG CLANG CLANG
>I look back up after being assured i got them all.
>Old lady across the way is looking at me in horror from outside
>She has a clear view of everything from the waist up and has probably watched me slamming myself with a sauce pan and screaming for the past 5 minutes.
>sheepishly wave and play it off as if Iw as working out and start doing some stupid flexes before sinking below the sink and out of site.

[Anonymous No.10202225]

>>10202209
>>Be at home alone one day
>>Seriously need to beat it
>>Can't find anything, so look in the pantry
Have you considered using your hands?

[Anonymous No.10202286]

>>10202209
I hope this is a pasta, but something tells me its not. Also, "the crafty fuckers all flee into the pubes" had me dying.

[Anonymous No.10202294]

>>10202188
Allow me to interject

[Anonymous No.10202304]

>>10202286
I really wish it was. wasn't one of my best moments.

[Anonymous No.10202527]

>>10193422
>eating my weekend victory meal, 250,000 SHU yakisoba noodles
>slurping a huge amount of noodles
>one comes up and slaps me in my open eyes
>literally fucking cartwheel out of my chair and roll around on the floor screaming for water
>cant see for shit
>trip several times running to the bathroom
>turn on shower and rinse my eye out
>the shit i rinsed out just rolls into my other eye
>turned the shower head to jet stream while screaming as loud as humanly possible

the fucking pain was unbearable

[Anonymous No.10202583]

>>10201883
Either you don't know how to read units, or you posted the wrong image.