/ck/ - Food & Cooking

How do you intend to get the clumps out?

you don't have the control of a spatula that you do with a fork

>>9838067
>paper coffee cup specifically says do not microwave
> microwave them every fucking day of my life

>>9838067
>do not eat raw cookie dough
>who the fuck hasn't

>Bread expired yesterday
>Eat some anyways

>>9838132
The sell-by date isn't an expiration date

>mix flour and water and add to pot
>just very gently sprinkle in flour while stirring vigorously instead

TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL

>>9838156
>Milk expires tomorrow
>Tossed it out today
>yfw

>>9838086

>at work on lunch break
>put tupperware container full of leftovers in microwave
>standing next to microwave waiting for ding
>coworker runs over and hits stop button
>"anon oh my god, what are you doing?"
>"uhhhhhh heating up some rice and meat what the fuck are you doing"
>goes on 10 minute rant about carcinogens in the plastic and my hormones and prions and god knows what else
>wait for her to leave and put it right back in the microwave
>im still alive you stupid bitch

>>9838178
Why didn't you sexually assault her?

>>9838178
Enjoy your stomach/colon cancer in 10 years time.

>Recipe says to add oil to boiling water for pasta
>Don't add oil
MOM'S GONNA FREAK

>>9838251
Enjoy your death in 85 years on your 100th birthday

>>9838178
I dont like using plastic but its too much of a bitch to deal with hot glass on your lunch break.

"Add two tablespoons of margerine"
>adds 4 tablespoons of butter

>recipe includes red onion and green onion
>don't add green onion
SAVE ME FROM MYSELF

>>9838490
What are you doing with your life?

>>9838485
"Add two tablespoons of margarine or butter."
>add three tablespoons of lard

>>9838067
>recipe says add a pinch of salt
>add pepper

>TFW this thread is chock full of hard as fuck criminals

>cheese sauce comes in a packet and doesn't even mention grating actual cheese into it
>don't tell the women you do this
>"it's so much better when you make it anon and it doesn't even mess up my diet"

>says to brine the turkey
>turkey the brine

Don't think I've ever sifted flour in my life despite being told.

>>9838226
Let me finish the story you impatient cunt:
>Raped her in the stationary cupboard

>>9838178
This is a godwich

>>9838067
>the recipe said to add 10 teaspoons of sugar
>I added 13
FUCK THE POLICE

>>9839325
> stationary cupboard
do u also have mobile ones

> salt to taste
> don't taste it
Who gon stop me

>bag says rinse the rice
>don't rinse it
LOCK ME UP

>>9838067
>Divide and share it with your family :)
>eat it all by myself
I HURT MYSELF TODAY

>serving 55 grams
>eat the whole 250 grams
FUCK YOU I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME

>>9838067
*breaks the raw spaghetti in half

>genetically engineered seedless avocados

>>9840041
Seedless avocados would completely upend the global housing market. Bitcoin 2.0
Strong buy.

>>9838067
>he says he wants a juice with some pulp
>buy him a regular pulp instead

>>9838077
>>9838083
Are you really that uncoordinated?

>>9838457
Get a glass container with a lip. Completely changed my lunch game.

>recipe says pat steaks dry
>prep the bull instead

>>9838172
That's also a sell-by date.
Officially, you should drink milk within seven days of opening it.

>burn my steamed clams I was preparing for a luncheon with my boss
>burger restaurant across the street
>get the devilish idea to pass fast food off as my own cooking
>play it off that we were having steamed hams for lunch instead

>>9840824
>milks lasts 7 days
trash one does filled with shit to preserve it, real milk wont last that long

>>9838067
>recipe says whisk the eggs
>use an eggbeater instead

>buy fast food
>disguise it as my own cooking
LOCK ME UP AND READ THE FILE NAME

>>9838067
>recipe calls for 1.5 cups of chicken broth
>fap to trap porn and go to sleep instead

>>9838067

>the recipe says add 1 tablespoon
>add 3 teaspoons

"My motto has always been "stick it to the man when you can."

>>9838067
>microwave ramen without taking it out of the plastic

>don't measure salt and pepper
>use salted when it asks for nonsalted butter
>put the stuff in the oven when it has five degrees left to pre-heat

>FAMILY SIZE
>eat it all by myself

>season to taste
>just season

LOCK ME UP AND THROW AWAY THE KEY!!!

>package calls for one minute and thirty seconds in the microwave
>press "89" on the microwave instead of "1 3 0" or even "90"

IIIIIII'VE BECOME SOOOOO NUUUUUUUUMB

>>9838086
Fuck. I went to middle school with that guy. He wasn't even gay acting at the time, not at all. Nobody knew he was transgender. But he looks good as a girl. Crazy.

i deep fry ice cubes

>>9838067
>add a pinch of salt
>add two pinches instead
Oh ho ho ho ho ho

i toss pasta into cold water..

in the end it doesn't even matter. pasta comes out the same.

>>9841937
>>9838178
>>9838086
(You)

>>9843034
Faggot

>>9839429

topkek

>>9841488
It was a roast you stupid fucker

>instructions say to cook for 4 minutes, flip it over, then cook it for another 5
>leave it in for 9 minutes before taking it out, never flipping it

>slowly mix while adding bit by bit
>beat my wife instead

>>9839429
Many people do

>recipe says to use x amount of garlic
>I triple it

>>9844203
>recipe calls for two to three garlic cloves
>put in three garlic heads

>average prep time: 0:00

>>9844241
usually if any recipe calls for more than 3 cloves i put in a whole bulb

>>9838067

>Microwave meal says to heat for 3 minutes, remove, stir, then heat an additional 3:30
>Microwave meal for 6:30 instead.

>Mother always uses spice packets when making meat for tacos
>just dumps the seasoning packet in and browns the meat
>one day, she has me cook the tacos instead
>read instructions on packet
>Brown and drain meat
>Back to the pan with some water
>NOW add the spice mix
>water boils off and spices stick to meat
>tastes fucking amazing

My mom cooks about as well as a middle aged Midwestern woman with 5 kids and no no control over their life... except we live in california.

>cook 20-24 minutes
>set timer for 22 minutes

>boil pasta for 10-11 minutes, 9-10 minutes for al-dente
>take out after 7 minutes

>>9838178
>wait for her to leave
god, what a fucking pussy you are

>>9840069
>a lip
what exactly? me no inglesa

>>9844353
>>9844241
same, quite the hazardous bunch we are

>>9840265
YES

>>9838633
Bob was super cool

>'Do not refreeze once defrosted'
Mfw I should have died of food poisoning 1000 times.

>>9839429
fucking kek

>>9843027
Fuckin' microwave time, mang!

>>9843718
mama mia!

>>9841524
Do you really not know what pasteurization is?
Sad.

>>9838178
>wait for her to leave and put it right back in the microwave
That first part was completely unnecessary.

>>9844548
To be fair, both those places are in America.

>go to England by Kent from Maine
>order biscuits and gravy
>get this
>eat it all
>great B&G, Old Chap!
>mumble "stupid Limies" while paying
>fly back to Maine

>>9845866
That's milk, not gravy.

>leave to stand for 1 minute before eating
>leave to stand for 2!

>meal for one
>share it between two!

>recipe calls for Parmesan
>use my bf's smegma instead

>>9845868
under certain circumstances in England, they call gravy "milk" mostly when yo order B&G in a pub

>cut off first few cm of baking paper to fit into oven
THROW AWAY THE KEY

>>9846322
please don't lie on the internet to further your foolish fantasies, ameri-kun

>>9844162

real talk tho

how am i supposed to flip like 100 fries

>>9846982
>cook less fries fatass

>>9846989
who are you quoting?

>>9838178
>desire to chop off dick intensifies

>>9838067
>Sift before measuring
>Don't

>>9841685
suck my cock dude

>>9838178
I used to work with somebody who did that once. Same woman was an anti-vaxxer and anti-gmo and a bunch of other stupid crap.

I just looked at her, looked away and hit the start button again. She left in a huff, but that was it.

>>9846982
When I bake fries I use a metal casserole dish. When Im supposed to flip them I lay a cookie sheet on top and shake it like a baby.

>>9844319

>open beef jerky
>little white packet
>"do not eat"

Fuck you.

>customer asks for coffee
>I bring him decaf

BID MY BLOOD TO RUN

>>9838067
>Serves 2
>Eat it all

>>9848906
Broken Sword is a fantastic game.

>>9848015
It's actually the packet that is bad for you to eat not the crystals inside

>let it cool before consumption
>eat it all burning my whole mouth in the process
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE

>>9838067

>drain excess fat
>implying fat can be excess

>take brownie s out of oven before the toothpick comes out clean
NOTHINGS WRONG WITH ME

>>9838178
Wtf Tupperware is made so you can microwave it

>>9848919
You're god damn right

>>9841685
Fuck you