/ck/ - Food & Cooking

Put my dick in a pie

>>9814626
Put my thermos into the microwave.

put my pasta in the water before it was boiling. still not sure why i did that

>>9814626
Tried catching a deep fried Schnitzel which slipped from the plate straight from the pan.

I cooked hamburgers using a low smoke point oil and almost choked to death

>>9814626
I forgot to add sugar when making flan

>>9814632
I did that for years with instant ramen when I was a teenager. I don't have a Wojak retarded enough to express how dumb I am.

>>9814626
Mixed milk and whiskey to get drunk, even though I hate whiskey, this one of the more repulsive moments of my life.

added too much thyme to my french onion soup

>>9814808
Nasty

Undercooked a filet mignon. It was all pink and bloody when I cut into it.

>>9814626
Burned spaghetti. I was making like 5 pounds for a bunch of my friends and I didn't stir the pot well enough.

left empty pan on high on stove, forgot about it, came back and dumped some oil in it, caught on fire immediately and had to put it out

>>9814826

It's not blood. It's Myoglobin.

>>9814808
FIGHT MILK

>>9814626
Does a forgetting a pork chop for over 2 hours on medium heat in the over then ringing the tin like a gong with it count?

>pulled crispy chicken wings out of the deep fryer with a fork
>stirred my hot sauce with same fork
>tasted the sauce
>melted my lips

>>9814930
RIOT PUNCH

>>9814626
Shattered my oven door by shooting it with a BB gun

>>9815099
hahahah fucking why

shredded a bay leaf and used it as a pizza topping

>frying a fuckton of chicken
>stomach rumbly and grumbley
>try to ignore cramping and continue frying
>chicken in, oil is very hot
>realize i need to make a scalding hot liquid poo
>no time to go to bathroom, don't want to burn chicken or leave oil unattended
>pull down pants ultrafast, hop onto counter
>shit about a litre of putrid evil into the drain
>chunks of peanuts and bile
>flip on garbage disposal
>wash ass under tap
>realize i aerosolized my own shit over the entire kitchen
>eat chickins

>>9815103

>>9815151
Thank you based Anon for sharing. That is some weapons grade autism.

I don't know why but my merengue cookies disappeared after 5 minutes in the oven

>>9814626
I was making ham and wanted some red eyte gravy from the juices so i put the pan on the stove top after i removed the ham. I added some stuff to make gravy, the whole pan exploded bc it was glass.

>>9815151

scratched my penis after chopping chillies

>>9814626
One time I stopped whisking for 2.5 seconds while making bearnaise

>>9815207
I touched my eye after using my fingers to eat hot sauce. Pic related

>>9815226
penis>eyes

>>9815231
I'll try it with my penis and butthole next

>never cooked waffles before
>break out the waffle iron to give it a go
>didnt think to oil up the grill
>ended up with burnt ass batter caked between the bars
was a bitch to clean

>>9815236
simultaneously?

>>9814626
Tried to cook eggs in a stainless steel pan.

I tried reheating chinese takeout from a new place in the microwave, without noticing that their white cardboard takeout containers had little metal handles.

Had to get a fucking fire extinguisher.

>>9815290
After heating up some Chinese take out in the microwave i placed it on my desk near the edge, sat in my computer chair then it all dumped in my inner thigh(i was in my underwear). ALl that nuclear hot Chinese juice scalded the fuck out of me

>>9814626
Lit stove under a 5 quart kettle. Went to the gym over 3 hours!
Came home damn thing boiled water off.
dumb

>>9814626
Poured cold water on a glass dish that had just gotten out of the oven. It shattered instantly in the sink.

>>9814626
>Be me
>Be learning to cook
>Know a few things
>Try to impress my girlfriend by making French onion soup
>Read recipe, mostly disregard, I got this.
>Says to add some sugar to aid carmelizing onions, add like... a quarter cup.
>Says to add red wine to deglaze pan, add like... too fucking much
>End up with this absolutely abominable, sweet purple soup
>Kill self
>Not really
>Still a dumb 20 year old
>Get unreasonably mad
>Wasted so much money making beef broth from scratch for this from roasted bones
>All it took to ruin it all was some bullshit wine and table sugar
>Be very mad
>Be dumb
>Punch a hole in my spice cabinet
>Storm out
>Slink back in hours later with Chinese takeout and apologize

Still get shit for it to this day. Have gotten better at cooking though.

>>9814626
Not my kitchen but I dropped like 100 dollars worth of lobsters on the floor at work

>>9815429
I'm betting you picked those lil bastards up and rinsed them off.

>>9814626
I tried to brown a hunk of frozen sirloin like hamburger, on high heat

spilled boiling water over my stomach when dumping it into the sink and passed out from the pain, broke my arm on the way down.

>dropped my groups bechamel
>we couldnt get marked on it
>bechamel got all over our shit and we had to spend 15 minutes cleaning it up, fucking over our other sauces

That was about half a year ago, still haven't cleaned my knife case

>>9814631
I've stopped myself from doing this so many times, and I 100pct. Know I will someday

Personal worst: Forgot I was hard boiling eggs and had them explode.

Secondhand worst: When I was a kid I saw my grandmother knock a big chef's knife off the counter and have it go all the way through her foot.

>>9814626
Put a fudge lolly into the microwave in a bowl in hopes it would turn into some kind of sauce for my ice cream. I cranked the timer to full because who doesn't and left the kitchen. Shit must've been in there for like 15 minutes until the bowl exploded with the smouldering ashes of the lolly in it. Microwave got fucked and I almost burned the house down. Given, I was 12, but I sure was a retarded kid.

>>9815450
How did you know

>>9814626
Fallen in love with a co-worker

>get my first real chef's knife for birthday from grandma
>go into kitchen to try out / show off
>immediately cut my hand open, almost to the point of needing stitches

Try to distill the alcohol out of a shitty """wine""" by putting it directly on top of the burner with a PVC tube taped into a hole I punched in the metal screw cap.

The bottle exploded; covering the range top and a large portion of the floor in gross hot yoo-hoo shit.

>>9814626
>heat up oven to make cookies
>forget to make cookies
>put cookie tray in oven
>12 minutes later pull it out
>where'd all the cookies go????
I didn't even have the excuse of being high.

>>9815151
holy shit i have no words.

I slit my wrist peeling garlic once

>>9814626
>spend an hour preparing tomato meat sauce from scratch with everything from my garden
>set pot to simmer
>pass out drink on the recliner
>wake up to disgusting burned food smell
>all that remains of delicious sauce is black char coal
>entire house smells like burned shit

Also ruined my $100 pan

>>9814626
One time when I was like 8 I put ramen noodles in a pan without water. I smelled something burning and realized I was retarded.

I made beer brats last week with an IPA because I forgot cooking with hops was a mistake.

I had to throw them away ;_;

>>9815781
kek

I drunkenly started making tyson chicken in the oven and then passed out drunk before it was ready and woke up to the oven still being on

to this day idk how I didn't burn my apartment building down

>>9814626
I put too much szechuan pepper in pulled pork. My wife said it was good enough to eat, but not good enough to WANT to eat. Made me pretty sad because I spent a long time making it and we had enough pork for like 6 meals.

That was like 4 years ago. I don't know if I've ever done anything worse than that.

>>9815262
You can do this if you get the pan hot enough

>>9814626
personal worst: microwaved a half-leftover burrito with the foil still on. ka-fucking-blam-o.

secondhand worst: my ex-girlfriend had just got done making pasta, and for reasons that bemuse me to this day held the colander in the sink by putting her hand underneath it. poured fucking boiling water straight through it and onto her hand, it's a wonder she didn't get hurt worse than she did.

I routinely forget to set timers. I've ruined so many meals.

>>9814626
tried to make tea syrup to save to use for milk tea
the recipe didn't state what consistency it had to be when you're done,
so i added sugar until it had a syrupy viscosity

>>9814626
I was making a big linguine dinner drunk and naked once and had the bright idea to pan fry the sauce together with the vegetables I was going to put over the pasta. Unfortunately it was a whole jar of pretty decent basil pesto with pine nuts and I ended up with dozens of tiny burns on my arms, chest and face, and hundreds of speckle stains all over the kitchen. Wasn't too terribly bad but it was several years ago and I still find little green spots in corners from time to time which remind me not to fry nuts and seeds. Still tasted pretty good though.

>>9815840

>>9814632
>>9814768
I've done this in the past just out of impatience.

Is there a hard reason why it's not a good idea?

>>9815576
Winner.

>>9814626
Posting a classic

>>9814626
>want to figure a way to make kraft style mac and cheese at home at reduced cost and just as fast as the box
>go through various gesticulations, with varying success
>through my dumbass iterative process I think I've finally found my solution
>make a quick roux, add whole milk, stir in cheese, add cooked macaroni
>be amazingly smug that I've finally figured this out
>brag to my roommate
>"so what you're saying anon, is you added macaroni to a cheese sauce you made, huh"
>mfw

>>9814626
Put my dick on a steak I was about to cook for my girlfriend as a joke, man was she pissed. You'd think she would know hot to take a joke, she has sucked my dick often enough.

>>9816411

>>9814626
I haven't done a great deal of stupid things in the kitchen. The one that comes to mind is when doing a reverse seared ribeye I took it out, looked at the metal thermometer inserted into it and when I saw that it was just right I just pulled the thermometer out with my bare hands without thinking. The sink was right there so I just immediately threw it into the sink but still got a mild burn.

>>9816300
brainlet

>wanted to make onion rings
>never deep fried anything before
>get impatient doing a couple of rings at a time in this small pot
>dump way too much in
>fire
>fire fucking everywhere

Somehow I remained calm, and got it under control, and by some miracle there was absolutely no damage to the kitchen apart from hot oil everywhere.

I am now aware that I am too stupid for deep frying, and will never try it again.

when i was younger and making brownies i read the directions wrong on the box and instead of spraying the bottom of the glass dish i sprayed the underside.

>>9816300
It's less precise, changes in the amount of water will change how long it takes to heat up which can change the cook time.

>>9816475
Good job anon

>>9816411
I remember that thread.

>take skillet out from the broiler, add some stuff and give a stir, put skillet back under broiler
>halfway there realize towel used to grab skillet before is over my shoulder
>Got the skillet into the oven somehow and a handful of second degree burns

>Get home with my new grain mill, have a great time milling flour
>Look for other things to run through see a pile of various dried pepper, perfect
>Get to work turning them into chili powder
>fine layer of chili dust settles over my sweaty body, everything burns
>including lungs and sinus from breathing in the dust

>>9815694
I'm your truth, telling lies
I'm your recent alibis
I'm inside, open your eyes
I'm you

Not the worst but still feels bad.
>read recipe for pan-fried vegetable with garlic
>it says 2 cloves of garlic but I thought that was 2 whole heads of garlic
>think it is weird how much garlic I needed but common sense didnt click
>made my roommates sit through my disgusting vegetable abomination dish that tasted every bite of chunks of garlic, not even cut small enough so chunks

>>9816609
Large-cut clove garlic is great though. I use halved cloves in stir fries and stews just like I use any other vegetable.

>>9816643
Maybe it was the ratio of garlic to vegetable that made it more disgusting to me. 3/4 garlic 1/4 vegetable. and i still thought it was ok to serve.

>>9816658
Garlic is a vegetable. Sounds like you and your friends just have an underdeveloped palate.

>Pan frying some chicken breasts
>after heating I realized the oil was a little shallow
>go back to pantry and grab bottle of golden syrup thinking it was veggie oil
>start pouring it into the heated oil, it starts popping all over me
Turns out I grabbed a similar shaped bottle of cornsyrup

>>9816643
great stuff!

The strong flavor of garlic is a chemical it releases when damaged, such as cutting or crushing. once cooked the garlic is dead and can not produce this chemical or the strong flavor.

So use the press when you want it strong and use it whole when you want it mild, and you got a whole spectrum in between!

>cutting roll with serrated knife
>quarter inch cut on finger

>>9815262
I always cook my eggs in a stainless steel pan

>>9814626
cutting a bagel blazed while holding it and went straight into my hand

>>9816746
Just today I was cutting a sandwich in half and my thumb was right in the path of the blade. Thankfully it wasn't sharp enough to slice through my nail and I didn't hurt myself but fuck, I'm retarded.

bruh i have 100 each worst than the last.
The only thing to do is giggle at yourself.
You wouldn't even believe the stupid shit I've done in the wildest of places.
As long as it isn't malicious no worries keep on pluggin

>>9816756
>blunt knives

>>9816781
I'm just playing 4d chess, intentionally keeping blunt knives when I know I'm retarded enough to cut myself keeps me a step ahead of the injury game. It's foolproof.

Cooked cornbread on the stove.

When I was 14, I thought stock powder was as good as spices so I rubbed down a pork chop with pure MSG and fried it.

The dumber thing was that I ate half of it.

>>9816186
that sounds pretty disheartening :( she's just bein honest but damn

>>9816746
I did this as a teenager and severed the tip of my fucking index finger, they had to glue it back on and there is no feeling in it any more.

>>9816858
>stoned late at night
>had already eaten 2 boxes of kraft dinner
>decided i wanted frozen chicken tendies
>decide to microwave them
>theyre uncooked not meant for mic
>just was so baked and shitted up didnt care
>put in mic for the amount of time it says to bake for (over 20min)
>headphones on in computer room waiting
>hear a faint high pitch sound
>blaring smoke detector at 3am
>billowing smoke pouring out of mic
>dad comes running down in his undies alarmed to shit
>chicken was black charred

Why the fuck didnt i just use the oven

>10 minutes ago
>wandering around my kitchen
>spy box of penne
>boil it
>hmm
>add salt
>hmm
>throw pepper, olive oil, and some crushed garlic in the same pot
>google "what to put on penne"
>well it's too late to start any of this, the pasta's soft
>
>currently enjoying my massive bowl of plain aglio e olio for retards

when i was 13 i was making spaghetti bolognese for my family but we were out of onions so i used jarred pickled onions in the sauce instead

also tried to defrost a fish by putting it in a bowl of warm water

Tried to make boiled eggs in the microwave with a plastic cup at 3 am while mom was asleep, suddenly there's a huge explosion that knocks the microwave door open and gross egg yolk is splattered everywhere. The smell was fucking abysmal and I still wonder how mom didn't wake up

>>9815846
kek

>>9817027
I keep pesto in the fridge for this exact situation.

>>9816401
I don't think you know what a gesticulation is, either.

>>9816473
I've done this in the past just out of impatience.

Is there a hard reason why it's not a good idea?

>>9816477
I tend to taste it when it's close, but I appreciate that this might be a problem for some.

>>9815576
I did something similar
>colander was dirty
>grab a small plasic filter for the pasta
>attempt to dump 3 qaurts of water through something no bigger than a sauce pot
>boiling hot water splashes onto my (bare) stomach
>stop and look down for a second before registering the pain
>scream out in agony then reflexivley smash my foot against the bottom of the cabinet as I try to back away.
>still have the scars
Not as bad as you though

>>9816822
Yeah, but seasoning meat with MSG is tasty as shit.

took a shit in the sink

>>9815262
>being so much of a pleb that you can't cook eggs in a stainless steel pan without fucking them up

>>9815385
This, but it was with a dishwasher instead.

>>9815428
You sound like a manchild that no one wants to be around

>>9817383
>took a shit in the sink
but why tho?

>>9814626
>old house with electric range
>just finished dinner and tea
>having sexy romantic time with gf
>lift her up onto glass range where kettle was heated for tea
>emergency room, burn unit
>kitchen never stopped smelling like charred skin
>been married 14 years

>>9815594
You're fucking disgusting

>>9814808
>milk and whiskey is nasty
>What is Irish cream

ya dingus

>>9814626
My mom always used basmati rice for everything, even sushi.

>>9815151
By any chance are you poo in loo?

>>9815290
I work with different kinds of metal and ... well, that's a really boring story, ... I just wanted to say the percentage of kitchenware that will cause a spark in a microwave is a lot lower than safety warnings want you to believe. The science is pretty basic, and you can pretty much guess what is going to explode and what's not once you understand what to look for. They just don't teach it to you because it's easier to say "Just don't do it" ... like abstinence.

Incidentally, my local chinese place has metal handles that don't explode. Yay.

>>9817747
>once you understand what to look for
namely?

I've burned myself on plenty of shit, worst was probably some dressing I made for thanksgiving one year. It had sat in the oven for quite awhile and I went to go check it. It was in a clear glass casserole dish, so I grabbed the handles and pulled it up to the counter with no oven mitts on. It didn't register in my mind that the clear glass was gonna be hot.

Be poorfag that scorched the bottom of a pot of chili I was gonna eat all week. Still ate it, was gonna be a really good one too.

>>9816300
There's no way you could put pasta in room temp water and not overcook it using a normal stovetop.

>>9817862
Take it out when it's al dente?

>>9816796
More likely to hurt yourself with a blunt knife than a sharp one.

>>9818042
>Times I've cut myself with a blunt knife: 2 (one of those times was because the blade was bent not because of the sharpness)
>Times I've cut myself with a sharp knife: 5

>>9818049
>I've cut myself with a sharp knife twice as many times as a blunt knife thus sharp knives are more dangerous.
>it's completely irrelevant that I use a sharp knife 10 times more often than a blunt knife.

One time I made some piping hot potato and green chile soup so I poured myself a bowl and as I was walking to the other side of the kitchen a little bit tipped onto my hands which caused me to jerk it the opposite direction spilling more and long story short I managed to sling potato soup from the floor to the ceiling and get second degree burns on my hands.

>always cook pasta when stove is on max
>Always is gonna bubble over
>too lazy to stand beside pot
>Lie on couch and hover my rc helicopter over the pot so the air pops the bubbles
>Have done this for years
>Part of the fun is risking my helicopter
>Forgot to charge helicopter
> Everything is going fine
>Battery starts to die
>Not longer enough lift
>Starts to desend
>Try to steer it away but not enough time
>Drops right into my pot of boiling pasta

Still worth it though, shits fun. I bought a new one and still do it.

>>9818106
That sounds fun af. I'd probably cook a lot more pasta doing something like that.

>>9814626
put the coffee mug on a pan on the stovetop to reheat it. I was a little kid so.

Burnt my food because I was busy reading this thread