/ck/ - Food & Cooking

>recipe calls for cilantro on top to garnish
>rub bar of soap on my tongue instead
Cheaper and doesn't go off.

dumb frogposter

watch out guys we're dealing with a badass over here

>>9411486
I usually do the opposite but with Italian parsley subbed in for soapy Cilantro.

>recipe says to microwave for 1 1/2 minutes
>type in 130

Wake me up, before you go-go

>>9411486
>recipe calls for 2 cloves of garlic
>use a whole fucking head

>recipe calls for baking powder
>use baking soda and tartar sauce instead

IIIIIII'VE BECOME SO NUMB

>>9411734
>>9411498
It's funny, it's actually a known gene that makes some people interpret cilantro this way

>>9411761
He can't keep getting away with it!
Truth be told, you can't go wrong with garlic. How many times have you told yourself after slaving over your stove, "Damn. There's too much garlic."

>make bo kho
>tell my gf its pho

>package says cut on dotted line
>use my teeth instead
LIVIN' AFTER MIDNIGHT

>>9411498
I'm sorry your defective genes cannot allow you to enjoy the fresh, tasty joy that is cilantro.

>>9411835
>too much garlic
NEVER ENOUGH GARLIC

>instructor tells classmate to use the back of the knife to break the bones
>he tries to slice the chicken with the back of the knife
He has to re-take the subject next semester

>says to microwave for x minutes
>microwave for y minutes so it actually gets cooked
>y being greater than x

why are the directions always so wrong does my microwave just suck

>recipe calls for granulated sugar
>use brown sugar instead

LIGHT UP THE NIGHT

>>9411973
AХХХХХХ HУУУУУУ
ЧEEКИ БPEEКИ

>be chef
>running expo at dinner service
>ticket delayed by new fry guy
>have server take table two bottles of cheap wine
>they end up getting drunk and forgetting about their order

>recipe calls for 1/2 cup chopped green pepper
>chop a whole green pepper without measuring

I CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES

>package says to microwave for 2 minutes
>microwave for 4 minutes on half power
DAMAGED

>hot dog package gives directions for either microwaving or pan frying
>broil in the toaster oven instead
ONE NOTHING WRONG WITH ME

>Microwave Instructions
>Conventional Oven
>DO NOT USE TOASTER OVEN
>throws it in the counter top oven anyway
EXIT LIGHT ENTER NIGHT

>salad dressing recipe calls for 1 tbsp vinegar
>juice a whole fucking lemon instead


TACTICAL NUKE INCOMING

>Recipe calls for cream
>Use whole milk with some melted butter
IT GETS ME THROUGH, YEAH

>>9411486
My mom was allergic to parsley and Bayleef, so our garnishes had to be outside the box.

>>9411486
>recipe calls for cilantro
>use coriander instead
I PUSH MY FINGERS INTO MY

>>9411486
>Recipe calls for ingredient
>Use that ingredient

>only add oil if the pan is HOT, not cold!

*licks knife*
She could tell right away, that I was bad to the bone.

>>9412049
>giving away bottles of wine
>to avoid (maybe) having to comp a meal

you're not too good at your job, are ya?

>>9411751
Unicycle version when?

>>9412108
how very gay.

>Knife is dull as hell.
>Sharpen it using a steel.

>buy bag of triple-washed spinach
>wash it again
YOUR IN THE JUNGLE BABY
YOU'RE GONNA DIE

>Recipe calls for 2 teaspoons of something
>Just give a few approximate squirts instead
THE ABSOLUTE MADMAN

>Recipe calls for rendered salt pork
Render some fatty salami instead

I AIN'T STOPPING ANYTIME SOON

>make Carbonara sauce
>add garlic, onions and cream

>sauce is for marinating
>use it as a dipping sauce instead
GIVE ME SOMETHING TO BREAK

>>9412108
>leef

>>9412747

>>9411486
>recipe calls for buttermilk
>use regular milk with an added acid instead
RAAH, RAAH, LIKE A DUNGEON DRAGON

>>9411486
>recipe calls for cilantro
>can't use it because it doesn't exist
>use coriander instead

>recipe tells me to not open the oven and check or touch the cake
>do it anyway

WE WILL MAKE IT I SWEAR WOHOO

>>9411486
>personal hygiene calls for soap
>rub cilantro all over my body instead

>visit McDonalds
>don't make animal sounds

TIED TO A WHEEL, FINGERS GOT A FEEL

>>9411819
What pasta is this?

>Do not microwave
>Into the microwave it goes

CAN THE OLD TAYLOR COME TO THE PHONE?

>>9411486
>left the oven on when i went on holiday
>burnt my house down
i'm a wild card

>>9413073
the one where anon uses baking soda and tartar sauce instead of baking powder

>recipe calls
>hang up

>shake product before drinking
>my body my rules

>recipe calls
>go all in

>>9411734
>>9411498
>>9413035
Hitler should've purged your shit genes, you degenerate

>2 shallots?
>Lets dice a yellow onion instead
RIDIN' HIGH

>recipe calls for cream of tartar
>use tartar sauce instead

CAUSE YOU'RE HOT THEN YOU'RE COLD YOU'RE YES THEN YOU'RE NO

>go to McDonalds
>order a Whopper
I AM THE BEAST I WORSHIP

>>9412923
>Recipe calls for buttermilk
>Use kefir instead
I HURT MYSELF TODAY

You people are retarded.

>>9413246
No need for the edge, friendo.

What does cilantro taste like for people who dont have that defective gene? Its lrepulsive for me

>>9413298
like salty milk and coins

>>9413298
some people like parsley that tastes like off-brand dollar store soap. some people have decent tastes in garnishes.

>>9413143
Cream of tartar is what he needed

>>9413153
underrated

>>9413246
Faggot.

>recipe says to add jalapenos
>use poblano peppers instead for less heat
I NEED A WITNESS TO MY LIFE

>recipe says salt & pepper to taste
>dump in a teaspoon of Vegeta instead
HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO MEEEEEE

>>9411486
> 1 tsp cinnamon
>1 tsp vanilla extract
Just shake the bottle in there until I feel it's enough, shake a shitload of cinnamon in without measuring

>THIS ORANGE WILL NOT PEEL

>>9413219
>yellow onion

>use 2 shallots

Psh, nothin personnel

>get invited to a potluck
>bring a two-liter instead of cooking anything
EVERYBODY KNOW I'M A MUTHUFUCKIN MONSTER

>cook a steak
>recipe says to let it sit
>make it stand

IF YOU'RE GONNA SCREAM SCREAM WITH ME

>pasta cooking time is x minutes
>set timer to 2x minutes
I AM THE BEAST I WORSHIP

>>9413820
>Last step
>Cook al dente
>Didn't even buy al dente, leave it out
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR

>Mom asks me to get Oreos from the store
>Get Hydrox instead

HATERS GENNA HATE PLAYERS GENNA PLAY BUT BABY I'M JUST GENNA SHAKE

>Have to cook food
>Microwave something instead

hehe... heh.

>recipe says to mix flour into water before adding to avoid clumping
>just lightly sprinkle the flour into the pot while stirring constantly

RAAAAAAAAAAARGGHHHHH

>recipe says to add ingredient to boiling water
>stick the ingredient in room temperature water and shove it in the microwave for a few minutes
FUCK THE POLICE

>>9414511
why not microwave the water without the ingredient to get boiling water?

>order take-out pizza
>degrease it with a napkin before i start eating
>cut it with my fork and eat it bite by bite
I STAPLE TAPEWORMS ON MY PENIS

>>9413298
A really fresh, almost piney flavor. It's hard to describe, because there's little else like it, but it is powerful and delicious.

>>9414550
FEEL THE BLOOD GUSHING FROM YOUR ANUS

>>9412041
>kek

when you're russian and you get it....

>>9412437
that's literally fucking impossible you retard

>recipe calls for teaspoon of soy sauce
>just pour it straight into the mix

BLOOD MOVES THE WHEELS OF HISTORY

>>9414865
Somebody post it

>>9413298
Citrusy basil

>>9413196
Oh yeah the genes that let you enjoy primarily shitskin food are DEFINITELY master race genes.

You know, us PURE whites not only don't need to eat shitskin cuisine, we straight up have genes that tell us it's no good... oh wait, you don't? Ah shit anon I got news for you..

>recipe calls for 1/2 teaspoon of salt
>just eyeball it then taste

>recipe calls for cabbage
>use lettuce instead

CAN'T HOLD ME DOWN

>>9411486
>recipe calls for some salt
>cum in it

>ramen packaging says to drain the liquid then add seasonings
>keep the liquid and make it soup style

OH SHIT I'M FEELIN IT

>>9414516
2 steps vs. 1

>recipe calls for diced chicken breast
>use thighs instead
WELCOME YEAR ZERO

>>9413039
Is this a mu thread?

>oatmeal recipe asks for milk
>use water instead
MOMS GONNA FREAK

>calls for vegetable oil
>use canola oil
IM ABOUT TO BREAK

>>9411486
I don't really like cilantro but I use it alot. Is this because of the genes?

>>9411824
You're right it is, I have integrate this into my stand up routine.

>Recipe says to boil noodles in six cups of water
>Just fill up a pot straight from the faucet
THEY MUST HAVE TAKEN THE MARBLES AWAY

>directions say to wash rice before cooking
>make it even filthier
NO BRAKES ON THIS TRAIN

>be gay
>suck dick

haha

>cocktail recipe says to salt the rim of the glass
>jizz in it instead
LET'S DANCE ONE TWO THREE MIRAI E

>follow recipe to every minute detail and not straying from it in any aspect to get a good tasting dish
BEAUTIFUL DISASTER

>recipe calls for fresh herbs
>use herbs that are just about to go bad in the back of my fridge
NATASSJA MY BELOVED SATANIC WITCH