/ck/ - Food & Cooking

>>8876275
>florida

nice touch

>>8876275
Like 5 years ago, before I ever came to 4chan or was into cooking, I was broke as fuck but really wanted filet mignon.

I googled how to turn shitty cut of meat into filet mignon.

I seriously and unironically watched and followed an instructional video made by Ja/ck/ called "poor man's filet mignon"

I'm seriously embarrassed about this

>>8876279
>gb2fark

>>8876275
I was in an asian grocery store the other day and I wanted to try something I'd never had before. I found a can of silkworm larvae and decided to give it a go. It was not good, to say the least. I mean it had a few things going for it. It tasted somewhere between almonds and beef jerky. I ate over half the can before finally giving up. 2/10 will not buy again.

saying yes when the waiter I asked if I wanted ketchup with my fries

>>8876281
Thats the one where he salts the shit out of it, right?

Don't worry, did the same thing.

One time I literally just put caesar dressing and bacon bits on croutons

I have had some low moments in Wendy's parking lots

>>8876283

i mixed my own cum with milk and nose blood after watching an infowars video on spirit cooking

it was alright

25 gallons. That guy is a true american.

>>8876275
25 (TWENTY-FIVE) gallons. TWENTYFIVE FUCKING GALLONS?!?!?!?!

>>8876275
Florida man strikes again

>>8876281

beautiful

>>8876373
>>8876325
My guess is that was the total amount of oil in the fryers they had to dump because he was messing with them.

25 gallons is just under 4 cubic feet. The human body (any human body) couldn't possibly ingest and that kind of volume in under a day.

>>8876304
One time I made caesar salad but I didn't have any croutons so I used popcorn

>>8876275
I used smoked paprika instead of sweet paprika.

A couple years ago, I dipped Ritz crackers in melted butter for dinner. Ended up eating 2 sleeves of crackers and 1 stick of butter. It was one of the lowest points of my life.

>>8876304
I've done this, tasted good at least.

>>8876570
Not the worst idea but why not just skip the crouton?. Or just dry out some bread

i dispatched one of my cats which I owned for 3 years.

>>8876602
Mix in some red pepper flakes and you have a traditional Texan party food.

>>8876373
It's fake

>>8876611
Did he come back? What intel had he gathered?

>>8876281
Holy shit man, that is rough as fuck.

I uses to mix equal parts butter, shitty fake parmesan outta the green can, and Ken's caesar dressing, then spread it on toast.

>>8876373
>>8876325

Stomach can barely hold 3 liters when full, let alone 25 gallons aka about 113 liters

It's clickb8

>>8876275
>25 gallons
How is that humanly possible

I put turkey and ketchup on original pringles

I wrapped a piece of bologna in a slim jim and ate it side by side with a cheese stick

I have dipped Cheetos in cookie butter (actually what I'm eating now)

>>8876275
he should have been cast as kingpin

>>8876646
Wait, you wrapped the bologna with a slim jim? It wasn't the other way around?

>>8876281
>"Now I don't know why this works, but I'm sure some of you do so you can tell me why"

>>8876623
Look at that guy. I'm sure his stomach has grown some to hold more than just 3 liters maybe not 25 gallons. Plus its most likely there was oil everywhere on the floor and the store owner said some like "My deep fryer that holds 25 gallons was emptied into the man and on the floor." And the media being the media saw "25 gallons," "man," and "drinks."

>used to microwave tortillas, ranch dressing, and pepperoni to make "burritos"

>>8876281
Why don't you come on in close

>>8876687
It's not even a real story, it's from a satirical news site

>>8876275
>a Florida man
is that a new gender?

>>8876700
>ranch dressing
What the hell is wrong with you?

>>8876687
i want to believe.jpg

>>8876281
i bought like a 4 dollar "filet" from the store, it was packaged in one of those clam plastic packages, it was a mystery cut rolled and forced into the package's filet shape
it was the nastiest foulest thing i've ever forced down while crying and questioning my life
i wished i'd choked on the plastic toothpick holding it all together

>>8876304
sounds good

>>8876618
the enemy had flanked us and deployed 75 cannon

>>8876758
I actually eat one of those from Dollar General about once every 6 months. They have pretty much no taste, but have never tasted bad/foul at least; and on a plus note, honestly had the texture of filet/tenderloin.....I cook them in bacon grease and actually enjoy them

>>8876275
>25 gallons
>100 liters
I don't believe it.

>>8876275

Prepping and eating entire two-packs of Hamburger Helper (3000+ calories) in a single night, on top of whatever else I'd eaten for that day. Same damn thing when I was a kid, if we had it for dinner I'd sneak down and scarf the leftovers during the wee hours. Absolutely love that shit.

>>8876646
>I put turkey and ketchup on original pringles

That doesn't seem particularly weird, the little valleys are great for sticking shit in.

>>8876730
>Florida man
http://cargocollective.com/emilynilandcomics/Florida-Man

Bought 30 cents of marrow bone and made myself a soup.

>>8876828
thank you, good laughs

>>8876275

>>8876275
What is it about Florida that makes people mad?

>>8877250
>potatoes and tartar sauce

>low

cmon m8

C H I L L

O
U
T

>>8876275
Do Americans really do this?

>>8876318
Show us the link

When there was nobody home and I was around 5 or something I just made ketchup sandwiches and later on miracle whip sandwiches

>>8877540
Christ, how many cans of soda do you drink a day now, anon?

How can you physically drink 25 gal of anything in one day? The most liquid I have drank is 8 liters which is just over 2 gallons. I felt physically sick and in pain because of it.

>>8876304
>tfw don't like salad
>don't like dressing
>just wanna eat bags of croutons until my mouth and nostrils are filled to the brim with garlic fumes

>>8876281
damn that's dank as fuck dude

Yesterday I made a shepherd's pie that, between the mashed potatoes and the filling, has a full stick of butter in it. It's pretty good but also pretty disgusting at the same time.

>>8876275
>>8876279
Florida Man strikes again.

Spaghetti with Montreal steak seasoning, nothing else.
Also, raw kale with aji-no-moto seasoning.

My roommate eats some disgusting shit when he's stoned.

I watched him take down three hotdog buns filled with sauteed onions, mayo, and barbeque sauce. Shit was squirting everywhere, it was hard to watch.

>>8877598
not much only like a bottle of diet soda once every few weeks

why?

>>8877882
What is it with dudeweedlmaos and eating shitty food? I've been stoned a few times and my food cravings didn't change at all, yet my friends insist that Taco Bell is the greatest thing ever when high.

>>8876275
Did he die?

I spent all my money on crack and was out smoking all night, then I came down and remembered I was hungry, but had no cash. I went to the park and shot a goose with a pellet gun and tried to cook it.

>>8877977
Go on

>>8877986
I didn't know what to do with it, and it smelled like gross murky pond water so I whipped it over the fence into the neighbor' yard that I didn't like.

>>8877908
Weed lamows love T Bell, especially if they are fat.

>>8877995
junkies, every single time...

I put beans in my chili.

So I'm an obese manlet right. Every few weeks, due to how bad I feel about my weight and mach 4 terminal autism, I try my best at doing the one punch man work out routine but never get it really going cause my legs would be much too stiff the next morning and I'd walk with a limp. I did better this time than the last, I did 100 sit ups, 100 squats, 47 minutes of running in place, and 25 push ups.
I was so hungry afterwards, I walked into my kitchen late that night, I walked into the kitchen and started spreading peanut butter on my leftover pizza. My brother walked in while I was still spreading it and he just stared down my back and said that he thinks that I should kill myself. Then I put two cups of water and the two peanut butter pizzas into the microwave. I ended up eating cheese and peanut butter pizza and then scarfed down a bowl of rice krispies.
It really wasn't worth it, I wish I put the pizza in the oven and just ate two spoonfuls of peanut butter on my own.

>>8878056
Your brother is probably right.

>>8878056
I really hope this story isn't true. If it is, I'm sorry anon, but you have to break your addiction cold turkey, and that means getting anything unhealthy out of your house. You can't eat what you don't own.

I've eaten a quarter burger that was left on a picnic table.

I guess the owner of this burger didn't have the stomach for it. It was pretty good although a bit cold. Too bad, finders keepers.

>>8878079
he lives with his brother... which presumably means he lives with his parents... which presumably means he doesn't buy the food

>>8878111
You presume too much. I've lived with my brother before, it wasn't with our parents and we split the bill on groceries.

>>8878111
>>8878117
No he's right I'm in in-state community college right now. Transitioning to a real, out-of-state college at the end of the school year. Not to sound like a bratty rich kid but the one I'll be going to has a huge cafeteria variety and I was really expecting to loose weight by living on a cheapo college diet. They don't allow any cooking appliances either so I literally have to live off fast food for the next two years.

>>8878150
the meal plans and residences are a massive scam if you still have time to side step them /if they don't have some legally ambiguous requirement for you to use them first year

>>8878161
Thanks for the tip. I'll look further into it and try and explore the area for some, cheap local grub.

I've eaten an m&m that I found on the floor once.

>>8878191
Which color?

>>8878191
One time when I was a kid I was talking to my mother and she randomly picked something off of the bottom of her shoe and put it in her mouth.
She instantly spat it out and realized how retarded it was, but I've never let her forget it. It's one of those memories that always makes me laugh when I think about it.

>>8878170
If you can get out of being jewed for a meal plan, then you can still manage without a kitchen as long as your building supplies a microwave/you hide one in your dorm. In college I got the cheapest meal plan I was allowed, and used it to buy 1 really healthy meal a day (salmon fillet with broccoli for example), while my other meals were oatmeal, PB sandwiches, etc.

>>8878244
For 40 bucks you can get a portable single eye burner and a toaster oven and cook literally almost anything

I freeze all my old chicken bones to make stock
Even old chicken wings

>>8878255
Not him but a lot of dorms will ban toasters of any kind (slot loading or oven) as well as hot plates/single burners

>>8877908

Depends stoner to stoner. When I'm high I love to grill. Most of my friends get pizza and TB. It makes me sad.

>>8878285
how would they know unless you massively burn the fuck out of something?

>>8878292
Dorms do inspections like once a month. My dorm had a policy that they weren't allowed to open closets though, and they warned you in advance when they were coming. So I had a space heater that I would just have to stow in the closet once a month. I'm assuming the policies are similar in other places.

>>8878292
Monthly inspections

You CAN go out of your way to hide it, though. Not like they literally root through all your shit. But the smell can be a giveaway, be it a good or bad one

>>8876610
For real just cube up some bread and toss in olive oil with seasoning salt garlic powder and Italian seasoning roast that shit on a cookie sheet until desired crunchiness is achieved

>>8878056
you're supposed to stretch before working out
also that work out ain't shit, you gotta look into proper weight training

>>8878056
>one punch man workout routine
Haha weeb

>>8876281
>Likes watching Jack
>poor
About sums up his shitty fan base!

Remember to report and hide all jack posts.

>>8876275
This man was clearly trying to kill himself.

>>8878368
Doesn't seem to be working

>>8878368
shut up you colossal faggot
Jack's fan base are foodies and watch him for tips on how to cook

Gordon Ramsay can cook better.... but nobody who watches him can cook along
If you are watching jack there are good odds you are better than he is, real simple stuff

>>8878390
Thanks anon. I'd like to segue and say that Ja/ck/ 'za is the best 'za around

>>8878408
Indeed, look at his weak competition

My university's student union did a promotion for some rugby championships where they had six burgers corresponding to a country, Italy, England, Scotland, Ireland, France, and Wales, each with different toppings. If you sampled all of them on separate occasions you got a special double burger with a bit of everything. As i usually skipped dinner at that point, i had them two by two. So, I had had 4 of the burgers and went again, but for some reason I was even more ravenous than usual. I got two burgers with fries and asked whether I could have the free burger then. They said yes, so we sat down and waited. At the table before us had been two rail thin girls, one of whom had taken a single bite out of a veggie burger.

In what was not my proudest moment, I ate that burger and fries along with my order when it arrived. To recap: I had a veggie burger, two single burgers and a double burger with four portions of fries. Was about four pounds of food, but at least the waiter told me I was the first to eat all the burgers.

>>8878445
A true patriot

>>8878445
Can you fit into a life boat?

>>8878445
I want to rub anon's tummy!!!

>>8876758
you know you don't have to eat things that don't taste good, right?

>>8876304
Ah yes, Thousand Island Crunch's second-liked variant.

>>8878434
What in the fuck happened to make this picture possible?

>>8876281
That was the first jack video I watched and unironically thought he wasn't retarded as well. I never actually tried doing the salt steak though.

>>8878465
This was the UK, mind. I now remember the rugby thing, it was Six Nations.

>>8878480
I weigh about 180 lbs at 6'. Not exactly top shape, but I've sworn off eating like a pig. Those days are over. I was actually thinner then because I didn't do any snacking in between meals. I pretty much fasted the day after my shameful actions.

>>8878504
I actually did a number of his "recipes" over about 9 months because I guess I'm retarded.

While watching them I would say to myself, "this seems retarded and wrong, but im a cooking newby, and all of his comments are good and he has a large number of subscribers".....

When did /ck/ start trolling him, because I remember in like 2012/2013, literally every comment was talking about how good his shit was

>>8878506
I used to be like you too. I was one of those "I can eat anything and not get fat" people because I would starve myself all day while playing video games until dinner when I would eat an entire day's worth of food. Now that I actually feed myself properly it's nice not to have to stuff myself like a pig.

Sometimes I eat chocolate chips and peanut butter.

>>8878518
nice blog post faggot, seriously kill your self; no one cares

>>8876275
a spoon of dave's insanity sauce for flavor while i ate ice because i was out of food

>>8878445
why would they bother making enland scotland wales and ireland different burgers?
lazy ass promo to be honest

>>8878536
That name sounds like slang for cum

>>8878514
Jack deletes comments, I don't think he has all that much to do, so it's possible people have been taking the piss out of him the whole time and only the ass kissing comments last the test of time.
not blaming him, mind you, but his comment sections are pretty gay

>>8876313

I clean an airbnb for my employer and regularly go through the trash to see if there's salvageable food I can eat for lunch if they didn't leave anything in the fridge

>>8878760
I know people who work in hotels who do this. Just make sure it's unopened stuff or things that can't really be contaminated

>>8876275
shadow king?

>>8878776
I do not care. I've eaten TGIF frozen wings today that were in the trash because they seemed ok. Only got food poisoning once and that was unrelated to this

>>8878781
Food poisoning is the least of your worries. Just be careful.

>>8878760
>>8878776
>>8878781
Behold /ck/, your peers.

>>8878790
Yeah well I bet you eat boogers

[I know I do! ;)]

>>8878784
I will try but what else should I worry about? What disease?

>>8878798
ejaculation and vagina juice infections

>>8878798
E coli, various STDs (highly, HIGHLY unlikely though), a cold, the flu, various contagious illnesses, etc

You just never know what they've been touching beforehand if they've handled the food

>>8878811
staph infection, and the heps are a possibility too

>>8878811
Fair enough. Food is always cooked. STDs are what I figured and yeah you never know what ppl do. I do know that I rarely get sick and thus far been fine and no ill side effects have happened

>>8878815
Well, gamble away, anon. Free food is hard to pass up.

>>8878781
Mmmm, free baggy of ranch dressing 'came' with it :^)

This thread is grim as fuck.

Sort of related: My aunt (blood related) and her husband have been off and on for years, but she's finally biting the bullet and divorcing him. He's a drunk, gambles and is incredibly lazy. Any time we have family get-togethers, he drinks a shit ton of beer and never brings any of his own.

Anyway, after my aunt kicking him out, he apparently doesn't know what to do for food so he's resorted to crashing random family dinners because he says he's hungry. That's pretty low, right?

>>8878744
Fun bobby?

>>8878842
You must be new here if you think this is grim

>>8878884
holy shit. i didn't know japs had good pizza, I thought it had corn and squid and shit.

>>8878889
Kek

>>8878150
just... pick the healthy food at the cafeteria?

>>8877995
i am the pond water

>>8878842
do they... let him in?

>>8879081
well the nigga is hungry man, I ain't going to lie to you about that

Bouillon cubes.

>>8879081
He kind of lets himself in. Everyone else is too nice to let tell him no.

>>8879168
by family dinners do you mean dinners with your family or just random houses on the street?

>>8879175
neither of those

>>8879175
Dinners with family.

It's like a weird Urkel thing except it's a 50 year old Asian man.

>>8876275
I'm a bus boy, I eat everyone's leftovers. I once grabbed a piece of quesadilla out of the trash and took a bite before I realized how gross it was. I've also ate stuff that fell on the kitchen floor.

>>8877908

It makes you hungrier and everything tastes better basically, at least in my experience.

>>8878815
I'm sorry but you're going to have to give me a tip on that pic

>>8876275

Fucking Florida man.

>>8879198

You appear to lead a strange life.

>>8876623
We call this fake news

I bought one of those cheese dip jars that you see in the chips aisle

Then I crammed as many tortilla chips as possible into the saucefilled jar, i let the chips get sogged in full of that cheese sauce and proceeded to eat it 30 minutes later while watching a movie

It was so delicious I ate it before the starting credits were over
I was literally clawing those soggy cheese infused chips out of the small jar and eating them like a madman

>>8876818
I can relate to that hamburger helper gluttony man. My parents used to make it for me when they would go out and I would always eat the whole pan. I need to get some now.

When I was little I'd take one of the prepackaged chip bags, crush it up in my hand, pour out the dust in a bowl, pour in a little bit of salsa and stir it up with a fork and eat it.
A few weeks ago I tried to make "chili" but lacked any of the ingredients. I ended up making a gigantic pot of 5 different kinds of beans with tomatoes and tomato paste. It tasted disgusting. I poured some out in a bowl, mashed up a bunch of crackers, poured a shit ton of hot sauce in there, opened up a can of tuna and poured the juice out, then put the tuna in the bowl along with a scoop of peanut butter. It tasted disgusting but I was full.

once i was living in some apartments by a lake adjacent to a bunch of refineries and there was no food except for a 12-year-old bottle of kikkoman's soy sauch with the marco polo linguini recipe on the back so i got a bunch of shittly little clams out of the lake and made some carcinogenic clam pasta

it was actually really delicious at the time the clams were kind of gritty but i was doing a lot of speed at the time so my mouth was usually full of dick and pulverized dental matter so clams and soy sauce pasta was p good tbqhwu fampai

>>8879350
>then put the tuna in the bowl along with a scoop of peanut butter

>>8876584
You fucking degenerate.

I fairly regularly will either wrap random shit in a flour tortilla and eat it or eat a tortilla by itself as a snack, usually with some yellow mustard on it because I love that shit for some reason. Just today I wrapped some leftover homemade mac and cheese in tortillas, mainly because my brother did the same thing first and I just rolled with it. I'm not even poor, I'm just lazy and tortillas are so convenient.

I'll also have cold leftovers a lot, mainly with pizza depending on the kind.

Boiled leaves I stole from a neighbors garden and salted them.

Tried to make fried chicken by dipping chicken breasts in pancake batter and pan frying them.

Mixed one of those mini flavor packets for bottled water with my rice because I had nothing else to eat it with.

Ate raw bacon because I wasn't sure how to cook it after someone gave some to me.

Boiled a yam, mashed it, mixed it with a packet of ovaltine because it tasted so bad. Did not taste any better after.

Sliced up an onion and fried it, my gas shut off before I could boil the rice, so I just ate fried onion and salt.

Tried to rehydrate beef jerky. Did not end well.

>>8879529
And the most depressing post goes to..

>>8876610
This, croutons are just stale toast cut into cubes.

>>8878776
Ex hostel staff here. Can confirm. Had one coworker who lived in a ski town for 4 months and didn't go grocery shopping once, used to just make sandwiches out of other people's shit in the fridge when they weren't looking. She ended up getting fired for stealing cocaine because by her logic "well it's not like they're gunna go to front desk and report it to lost 'n' found"

>>8878056
Kek

>>8876304
Literally?

I actually tried the McChicken.

I used to mix white bread with BBQ sauce until it became a paste, then I dipped it in flour and cooked it in oil.

I was really poor when I was a kid.

>>8876687
>even giving this 'story' the time of day to consider.

>fat kid
>am still fat to this day
>like 11 or so on vacation camp thing
>place has cafe
>would get a bow of cheez-its
>put peanut butter on my tongue
>flick tongue out like a frog and collect cheez-its on my sticky tongue
>eat
>do it again

>>8879717
Your tongue is the best way to collect popcorn, chips, pretzels and cheez its.
(In private)

Protip OP: fatties don't actually hunt for the flavors but the feeling of being full and how it feels in the body.
I haven't done something really degrading. Eaten things with hands directly from bowels is the worst thing I guess.

>>8879767
>Eaten things with hands directly from bowels
>directly from bowels
>bowels

>>8877863
the natty lite was the perfect touch.

>>8878291
pizza and... Tuberculosis?

I once ate a slightly mouldy and very dirty arrowroot biscuit off the floor of a bus because someone said they'd pay me $2. They didnt give me the $2

>>8876296
Mayo is best with fries.

>>8876275
ate about 4 pound of oats and honey cereal from nature valley, stuff is addictive with milk, but it was like 4000 calories in one sitting.

>>8876275
A few years ago I was having a really awful set of events befalling me. It was all very exhausting and made me feel empty. I grabbed a quad-stack baconator with large fries and a large chocolate milkshake because fuck the system.

I don't know how many calories it was, probably enough to feed a family in Africa for a month, but I downed everything. No regrets.

I microwaved pitas stuffed with cheese, apples and honey.
It wasn't ok, but I ate it several times.

>>8879929
Probably like 2000, no big deal

recently, i had the genius idea to microwave an untoasted peanut butter and nutella sandwich so the nutella and peanut butter get really warm.

i put it on a plate and microwaved it, and the bread itself got DISGUSTINGLY soggy, it was the most unpleasant, rancid shit you can imagine. the mass had nothing in common with bread anymore and i was honestly disgusted.

still, i seperated the two (the one in contact with the plate was a lot worse) and ate the upper side of it after letting the bread "dry".

I once had a bacon, banana, peanut butter and honey sandwich. I couldn't do it again.

>>8879964
Should've combined Nutella and peanut butter in a microwaveable ceramic bowl and nuked it then stirred it together and spread it on toast.

>>8878056
>he just stared down my back and said that he thinks that I should kill myself

One time I passed out naked and drunk on the couch and when I woke up I dug in my butt crack and there was a whole cheese nips cracker wedged in there. I immediately put it in my mouth and had already chewed it up and swallowed before I realized what I had actually done and regretted it

>>8880147
Wow dude you gotta consider dropping the 40% and switching to beer.

>>8878280
That's not low at all. It's called being frugal.

>>8876290
almonds and beef jerky, this actually sounds good. Will try

>>8880147

>>8876281
I have to admit that before I knew how to cook I saw that video and tried it as well. Ruined a decent steak too because I didn't even use a cheap cut. To this day I hate that man for what he did to me.

>University
>Didn't go shopping for a long time
>Was scraping the bottom of the food barrel
>Open fridge for breakfast
>Literally the only two things in the fridge was some old KFC gravy and a quarter loaf of bread
>Made gravy on toast for breakfast

this fucking thread

>>8878781
Who is this semen demon?

>>8877515
No, he's giving us a bad name

A meal's worth is usually only around 10 gallons

I always put ranch in my burgers.

When I was instructed to put honey in my spaghetti sauce by /vg/ to improve the flavor I couldn't find any honey so I used honey roast peanut butter.

I tricked my cousin into failing her vegan phase by convincing her egg rolls didn't actually have egg in them.

>>8879529
>Boiled leaves I stole from a neighbors garden and salted them.
Thank God my life hasn't reached this point yet.

>>8880286
That's actually a felony.
Force feeders are no better than kiddie diddlers.

>"What are you in for man?"
>"I got 10 years for slipping venison into chili and telling my cousin it was vegan chili"
>get stabbed

>>8878884
Comeone now Anon, did u really have to post that.
Now I can't think about /ck/ normally again :(

>>8876281
wow

would be a great idea if you're preparing for a long voyage to the new world and need to preserve your foodstocks

>>8880357
>That's actually a felony

Vegans are actually histrionic.

2-3 slices of crustless Bread squished into small balls

Put shredded mozzarella in a bowl and covered it with bologna and called it a "meat uncrustable"

>>8876281
>

>>8880477
https://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/text/18/1365

No, dude, it actually is 10 years in jail.

>>8880655
Misrepresenting food you cook in your home as being vegan when it's not and feeding it to a vegan does not cause "bodily injury" as defined by that code. So no, it would not be a felony.

>>8880655
He didn't tamper with any products or even imply he did you stupid shit, that law doesn't apply.

>>8878842

Are vegans the sovereign citizens of food?

>>8880263
Anri Okita

>>8880702
It can cause discomfort.
One gag reflex and a call to the police and you caught a felony.

Why do people defend food tampering when they're trying to get people to eat shit they've already stated they don't want to eat?
You're pure fuckibg shit as a human being if you do this to people, megalomaniacal and vying for control of other people's lives.
In the US, we put people like this on the electric chair. Stop defending the intentional poisoning of food.

>>8880951
>anon talked about sneaking meat in homemade chili for his cousing
>another, much dumber anon thinks it falls under a federal statute for consumer products and interstate commerce

Dude, DUDE, it's actually desperate vegan overreaching hehe :D

>>8880951
>One gag reflex and a call to the police and you caught a felony
>Just one gag reflex

Keep that record clean, mr. micropeen

>>8880951
TIL cousins being cousins and fucking with each other is a federal offense

>>8880951
it's not a felony, consult a lawyer and eat some animal flesh like you were meant to, you dim witted pansy

>>8878884
your reminder that /ck/, like every other board except /a/, started as an offshoot of /b/

>>8880951
>Your rights end where my tolerance for fellatio begins

>>8879870
it's literally referencing the previous post, you fucking moron

>>8880951
>In the US, we put people on the electric chair for putting meat in chili

You're like if Texas had an opposite person.

>>8880976
Yes,it is a felony.
I linked the law.

Feeding shit to people that don't want to eat it is a guaranteed jail sentence. If this ever happened to me, ie: venison force feeding, you can kiss your ass goodbye.
I don't fucking tolerate it and other humans don't either.

>>8880999
No one forced anyone trips-kun, and for that matter it wasn't a product for sale.

>>8881008
The law applies to home cooked meals too. You have to disclose ingredients or you go to the penitentiary.

Allergies exist guys. If someone tells you they don't want to eat something, don't fucking slip it into their food and pretend like you're doing the world a favor.

>>8880995
That's Commiefornia

>>8881025
>allergic to meat
>your body is made of--- n'oh my god get my medicine!

yeah I doubt anyone is surprised that you would react to a bit of joshing around by trying to have them convicted of an inapplicable felony

>>8878339
No you're not. You stretch after working out.

Also an obese guy does 100 squats/sit ups? Calling bullshit.

>>8881044
Laying on the floor and grunting counts as a sit-up, right?

>>8878884
The fuck?

>>8881025
Original poster here. If I'm getting ten years for my cousin being too dumb to Google what goes into a food, then when is her court date for the time she broke my leg, or the time she killed my fish, or the time she stole my watch and hid it?

Family are dicks to each other sometimes, it's a thing that happens. You'd know that if you were a human.

>>8880951
Gagging does not fall under the definitions for "bodily injury" as defined in the law itself at the end where it lists definitions.

>>8881052
Sure but would you risk TWENTY FIVE YEARS in jail just to fucking slip shit into her food that could make her sick?

Obviously the answer is yes. I just figured I'd pose the question.
People who taint food deserve to be in jail. Violating people's religious, dietary and allergen concerns is fucking bullshit and you know it.

It wouldn't be illegal if it was right.
Defending this shit is megalomaniacal sadist behavior and I personally believe all repliers should be shot, thus far.
You're going to fucking kill someone so you can say "I told you so!" for real?
Fuck you and the vagina you popped out of, you human endangering fucktard. Real people do not tolerate ingredient hiding.

>>8881084
Yes, it does.
You just didn't fucking read the page.
Making someone half sick is as bad as killing them.

How the fuck are you guys defending the poisoning of food?
I have to know. This is ridiculous.

>>8881110
So this is bait right?

>>8881119
No, you go to jail if you spit in peoples food.
It's not bait, it's the fucking law.
You must be too retarded to click a thing because I linked the UNITED STATES LAW regarding this.

Fucking sick of retards on this board.

Protip: You will be reported if you further discuss violating US law and tainting people's food. Try me.

>>8881110
the people are choosing to eat the food though, no one is forcing them they should report themselves for unsafe handling of a fork

>>8881129
do you take it up the ass by any chance?

>>8881129
Bring it, fag. My name is David Ward so just come find me if you want so much pork in your ass Mohammad would call you unclean.

>>8881138
I don't make the laws you asinine mother fucker. Keep qqing. No one gives a flying fuck.

https://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/text/18/1365

The LAW us that yiy aren't to taint peoples food.
Why the fuck you're crying like a fucking child to me about a law I didn't make is beyond me.

I'm fucking soaked in tears dude, give me a break.

>>8881129
>You must be too retarded to click a thing
>click a thing
Who's the retard?

>>8881149
so that's a yes?

This is a fun thread.

>>8881152
Sure.

>>8878081
I ate half a cheeseburger out of the bin once

>>8876275
Is fryer oil keto friendly? Or is it tainted from contact with potato?

>>8876313
That poor bastard. Is he dead yet?

>>8880357
>>8880655
>>8880951
>>8880999
>>8881118
>>8881025
>>8881110
>>8881129
>>8881149
>>8881173
Memecancer's first bait post?

>>8876373
The body can only absorb about 20,000 calories per day. Once you go past that, it's just more lubricant to help you poo.

>>8876304
This was me at pizza hut buffets when I was a super fussy eater

>>8877407
nice

>>8876275
stole baking yeast and unpasturized apple juice to make homemade booze
stole cans of soup from my parents
havent cleaned my stovetop in over a year. its caked in half-burned shit and other carbon
i own 3 shitty 1 dollar steak knives. i have no other knives. i designated each knife to chopping vegetables, chopping meat, and do bathroom surgery with individually. sometimes i accidentally carry them into another room and forget which is which
i lived for a year on nothing but popcorn and a soup made out of potatoes, onions, cabbage and hotsauce. i lost 100 lbs. i also tried every hotsauce at the store
sometimes i melt ice cream and use it as a milk substitute. worst offender: kraft mac n cheese
i bought a 40 gallon garbage can and fill it up with kitchen waste. it takes me months to fill it up and take it out. i only detect a smell when i leave my apartment for a while and come back
i store rotten vegetables/fruit/meat in my freezer because i know itll smell really bad if i leave it in the garbage bin
i ran out of garbage bags a month ago. i leave trash sitting in the open now
i havent washed any dishes for myself in years. i use 1 pot, plate and spood for every meal. the only time i clean any dish is if im cooking something for others. the greatest horror is other people said they like my cooking
i sucked and pried the marrow out of chicken bones because i was too lazy to get up and get other food
really wanted bread and olive oil one day, drank the bottle of olive oil while waiting for bread to bake
tried to cook a bratwurst in a waffle iron. ended up boiling it to make sure it was cooked
i never bake frozen food. i microwave it for a few minutes then chuck it in a frying pan instead. its fulled cooked with the desired crunchiness
i was in the hospital for 3 days over thanksgiving for a bacterial infection that got into my bloodstream. my family gave me the thanksgiving leftovers. the hospital also gave me thanksgiving leftovers. i ate them all

>>8881383
what is bathroom surgery exactly...
cutting a piss?

>>8879529
>Boiled leaves I stole from a neighbors garden and salted them.

Genuine thanks anon, I needed a laugh today

>>8881383
Can I see a picture of your kitchen?

>>8881383
Truly vile. Are you on medication for any mental disorders? I don't ask that insultingly. Hope you get some help soon.

>>8881383
>bathroom surgery

Toe knife?

>>8881420
when you get a cyst or other abnormal growth and need to cut it off

>>8881426
heres one from when i was making a pork chop and mac n cheese from a while ago

>>8881427
i am perfectly sane

>>8881451
sorry mr. devito i use a pocket knife for nail cutting

>>8881512
God has abandoned this place.

Once I got four cases of oreos given to me and I don't eat oreos so i used them to build a 2 food tall bust of Thomas Bangalter
I couldn't figure out what to do with it so I lit it on fire and chucked what was left over my fence

>>8881540
You destroyed your masterpiece.

>>8878760
I do this in my dorm when I spot somebody's tossed something that's still unopened and clearly good to eat. I won't let stuff go to waste, fuck that

>>8881551
I couldn't keep it around, the cream was melting and he started looking like he got the world's worst facial

>>8876275
I eat the entire Mickey D's dinner box with extra helpings of ketchup about once every 6 weeks. The poops are horrendous.

>>8881561
yes heaven forbid someone else wastes something, that isn't constantly going on or anything

>>8881540
How many people "chuck" shit over their fences...

>>8881579
I haven't been to McDonald's in a while. What's in the dinner box?

>>8878056
Why did you microwave two cups of water?

>>8878150
*lose, not loose

>>8881686
Probably to produce steam to refresh the pizza.

>>8877792
There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

>>8879929
*frosty

>>8880263
Semen demon. Sure, it rhymes, but it doesn't make any sense otherwise.

>>8878056
>I was still spreading it and he just stared down my back and said that he thinks that I should kill myself
fucking hell that made me laugh

>>8881110
I always put a little meatball juice into the vegetarian pastas where I cook. I also once told a bunch of religious brown people that they were eating beef ribs, not pork.

MFW it was all-you-can-eat and they ate a bunch of pork ribs.

I would never fuck with someone's food in a bad way. I'd never make something that wasn't tasty or something that'd make them sick. But I have no respect for people's personal food "rules" they set for themselves.
Allergies I respect, not much else.

>>8876833
That sounds more like an economically wise decision than a desperate one.

>>8881815
LOCK HIM UP

>>8881383
There is something very wrong with you.

>>8881512
I really appreciate your sharing. You don't care what normal people think of how you manage your cooking life. You have no shame.

>>8881815

One time I was walking back from using my apartment buildings fitness center, and this brown guy gave me 5 cooked pork steaks, I assume because they bought them on accident thinking it was beef. Of course I walked home and ate all of them because I'm a recovering fatass.

I guess they've never eaten pork before because of their religion, but you would think they would realize that they're not eating beef...

>>8881833
Smoke, BBQ sauce and denial work well together.

>>8881512

What's behind that door?

>>8878702
because they have separate rugby teams? ever heard of six nations?

>>8881512

>>8876818
Brit here, had to look up hamburger helper. It's just shitty instant pasta, why the fuck is it called hamburger helper? I was picturing some unholy meat substitute.

>>8881857
White stripes are pretty good to be honest with you.

>>8881887
its supposed to be something you can make a meal out of if you only have ground beef. its a relic of the 70s

>>8881512
Tenement in some shithole/10. Your linoleum floor seems to comply with the 1950's aesthetic, though.

>>8877515
Yes, we all do it here in the states, I'm doing it right now as a matter a fact

When i was 17, home alone, i really wanted to eat a corndog. I took some sausages we had in the fridge and made the stuff you dip them in
Procedded to deepfry them in a fucking pot of boiling oil and later eat 12 of them.

Ive cleaned up nice but the parents were wondering about the smell of burnt oil and why a whole bottle was missing.

>>8881856
His mother's rotting corpse

>>8881887
It was a heavily marketed item that convinced lazy housewives they could make a "homecooked" meal by dumping a box of chemicals and stale pasta in ground beef and water and their children would smile and give them a hug for being based mom and hubby would be so energized by her efforts he would fuck her brains out that night. Of course they bought it by the ton, and kids that were fed that pig slop, rue the day.

>>8879460
>i was doing a lot of speed at the time so my mouth was usually full of dick and pulverized dental matter.
Sadly I can relate to this.

>>8879929
Christ, for all the shit Americans get on this board at least you guys are aware that this is a ridiculous burger. The day Wendy's comes to the UK, people will fucking die. Especially in Scotland.

>>8881512
>when you get a cyst or other abnormal growth and need to cut it off
can't you just go to your GP and then they'll force you into an abulamps or something

>>8882391

>abulamps

>>8882401
yeah it takes people to the hosps dude

>>8882413

Are you kidding?

>>8882428
huh

>>8881044
Nah, I was 210 pounds as of writing that, and at 5'9 that's technically obese.

>>8880951
>911, what's your emergency?
>Oh god, god this is, like, terrible, it's, like, literally unconceivable!
>Sir, are you ok?
>This... this monster is still alughing after the atrocity he has comitted! I can see the, like, bits of flesh! Send a car to Anonymous Drive 9001, Buttsex Heights, quick!
>Cops rush to the address, expecting the kind of gorefest that would give Hannibal Lecter a 6-hour erection
>They arrive at the address to find a numale hipster blubbering on the sidewalk
>Sir, are you the one that called? What happened?
>didyoujustassumemygender.dll
>The... the... man inside that house is, like, a monster! I demand you arrest him for grievous bodily harm or something!
>Cops draw their pistols, expecting Buffalo Bill to burst through the door and assault them with broiled horsecocks
>But, sir, what exactly did he do?
>He... oh mah gawd, I can't even think about it without, like, shivering
>Man, this dude must be some kind of monster
>YES! He's monster! What other kind of person would put venison in a chili?!
>...
>What?
>Did you call the police because someone fed you chili?
>But I'm vegan, I can't, like, eat meat and stuff!
>Oh, it seems we're arresting someone after all, innit Bob?
>Vegan goes to jail for misusing 911 and wasting police time

>>8882468
Good read

>broiled horsecocks

>>8877882

Those sound like good brat toppings desu

>>8881110
>Kill someone
Gr8 b8 m8

>>8881815
Sounds like you fucked with hindu's, in which case fuck you. If you did that to Muslims then yeah that's funny but hindu's don't do nothing to deserve that shit man.

>>8882468
Nice story.
Did you know that police departments have a non-emergency line?

>>8882610
They don't enforce laws incorrectly at demand though my man

>>8882610
Did you know a lot of people know that, and still call emergency services for cooking instructions, help with homework, and to complain that their drugs/drug accessories have been stolen?

>>8881961
>corndog
>eat 12 of them
>deep fry
Murica

>>8881646
2 big Macs
2 Single Cheese Burgers
10 chicken nuggets
4 Small fries

>>8882669


How is it even possible to eat all that?

>>8876275
Mayo fatty from the mcchicken thread, is that you?

>>8882669
>>8882674
This is nothing. Here's my shame order I used to get.

2x Double Quarter Pounder with extra cheese
2x large fries
2x triple cheeseburgers with extra cheese
1x large Coke
2x apple pies

>>8882688
I didn't know they made triple burgers.

>>8882690
They did when I was a slob. Probably still on the value menu.

>>8882694
What made you change your ways?

>>8882661
Yes, corn dogs are deep fried.

>>8882707
Won't burden the thread with a big blog post, but the short version is that I realized I'm coming up on 30 this year and that'd I'd been treating my body like shit for my entire life. A combination of shame and guilt led me to completely abandon my poor eating habits and start dropping weight. Doctor breathing down my neck (rightfully) and my wife expressing concern about wanting me to be around for a while. When multiple people start giving you the same advice, it's time to do a long hard look and consider that it might be true. I dropped some bad habits and am feeling good. Long way to go.

>very drunk
>too lazy to clean dishes
>throw them out
>next day
>pick all dishes out of trash and clean them

>>8881856
thats the exit to my apartment

>>8882727
I'm proud of you. You're doing it. Keep that shit up.

As of now I own no plates, cups, bowls, or utensils

I just use disposable everything because doing dishes makes me sick in my stomach (Its just gross even with gloves) and I dont have a dishwasher

>>8882751
Thanks, I appreciate it. The first step was fully accepting all responsibility. Most of my family were sick or dying when I was a kid, and I'm told I was pretty withdrawn and did a lot of "emotional eating." That's all fon and and good, but that was decades ago and I let that habit develop well into and past adulthood and am certainly paying the price. No more excuses from me anymore. Just shit loads of grilled veg and chicken, and enough water to drown a blue whale, God fuck it all.

>>8881910
>>8881996
Fair enough boys but I still don't understand the fucking hamburger part of the name. Ground beef alone does not equal hamburger. I can't talk too much shit since I hail from the land of the deep fried Mars bar but still.

>>8882741
Can I see inside your fridge?

>>8882760
alliteration

>>8882760
In the US, at least as a far as I've been alive (and this may be an older person thing), ground beef has often been referred to as "hamburger" or "hamburg." All Hamburger Helper is is a packet of pasta and a powdered sauce that you dump into the pot after you've browned the burger and added water. You can very easily make your own at home.

>>8882727
Good that you are making some positive changes dude, keep at it

>>8876310
go on ...

>>8882770
Ahh it makes a bit more sense now, here we tend to call ground beef mince, hence why the hamburger part of the name was perplexing. Although I've eaten plenty of dried pasta packets, I've never had one with ground beef. Is it any good? I might order some, I have a bit of a soft spot for shitty trash food. Mostly when I'm camping, nothing better than beans and sausages in a can to get that real hillbilly experience you know?

>>8882833
>Mince Helper

Once I made Hamburger Helper without putting meat in it and it was fucking disgusting. Inedible.

>>8882833
I suppose as a sort of universal punishment equally applied, everyone should have to eat it at least once. To lessen your pain, get one of them that tends toward "italian." As horrible as it was, it was better than the others.

>>8882843
>Mince helper
Fucking hell I hope to God that appears in British shops one day

>>8876275
impossible

>>8882906
Well I've never seen it here but I shall order some online and fuck the Italian one I think I'll go for original just to really feel the pain. Unless you can recommend an even nastier variant

>>8882935
Just get the good ol' original cheesburger macaroni flavour.

>>8882950
Is this reasonably priced in freedom units?

>>8882961
It's <$2 a box in the States.

>>8882961
It's fine, worth the experience.

>>8882967
>>8882969
Okay, Betty crocker or the other brand? I'd like to get the most bang for my buck here.

>>8882975
Get the top one in that picture. Betty.

>>8882988
Done. It fucking better be good bro, I'm taking your word for it.

>>8883015
I don't recall ever saying it was good...lol

>>8882975
those are all the same brand

>>8881602
Right now I have a big backyard and mentally stable neighbors so I don't have to chuck shit over the fence anymore, I just chuck it in a corner of my backyard.
Although I did chuck some rotten tangerines over the front yard fence recently that landed in the street.

>>8876570
I like soggy popcorns.
I made many failed attemps in the pursue of flavor, tried to brew tepache in an aluminum pot, ended with a tasteless not so alcoholic beverage that felt as small electric shocks in the tip of my tongue.

>>8883055
Why don't you dispose of it normally? What kind of shit do you chuck over the fence when you DO chuck it? Hopefully not dead geese.

>>8878445
>rugby tourament
>features different nations
>there are six of them in total

So you mean the Six Nations? Rugby guys aren't usually the most creative.

>>8882401
Amberlamps

>>8883106
Urngerluns

>>8883044
Two are the same, one is clearly a different brand. Anon, you're not being retarded on purpose are you?

>>8883127
All three are betty crocker.

>>8883127
that's like saying I bought heinz ketchup and an off brand heinz ketchup, there is only one brand
you're just confusing one missing a white corner as being a different brand, probably because you're a retard

Once when I was really drunk I microwaved a steak because I was too lazy to fry it.

>>8883163
And how did that turn out?

>>8883155
>Heinz Ketchup
Established brand. Tastes good.
>off brand ketchup
Tastes shit. However due to anon's poor upbringing, these two are apparently the same. I realise an argument about ketchup is inherently retarded but for fucks sake mate you're not even trying.

>>8883204
ahh, I see you're not wrong then, expertly handled fag

>>8883169
Completely awful. It was rubbery and dry.

>>8883222
>nuked to perfection

>>8879350
Why is that dog so smug?

Was living on campus in college and didn't go home for winter break. I had no money and all the on-campus food options were closed. My roommate wasn't there either so I had no source of food besides a single cylinder of Quaker oats and a microwave. I went to a Starbucks and stole some sugar packets and just ate oatmeal and sugar for a week. Was pretty bad.

Last night I went into the kitchen at 4 a.m. to clean a pot I'd cooked and eaten dinner out of earlier so it wouldn't crust overnight and atrocious in the morning (day).
I saw that my dumbass mom had left a cut open pineapple on a cutting board, still not aware that you have to put it in the damn fridge or else it'll spoil (I can't tell my mom how to do things properly or else she gets mad and starts yelling at me).
The pineapple was still ok to eat since it had only been left out for a few hours and I think had been in the refrigerator prior, so I just decided to start eating it autistically with a spoon, cause who fuckin cares no one cares about the pineapple enough to even store it properly.
After 5 minutes of trying to cut and eat this thing with a spoon and managing to get 2 bites worth, I just figured fuck it I'm gonna eat this whole thing right here and now. So I started biting into it like an apple but most of the rough peel was still there and after cutting my lip in 2 places on it, I chopped of all the peel and started shoving my face in the pineapple and rending the flesh with my teeth and slurping up all the juices.
It was good at first, then terrible. I moved away from the cutting board cause I was making and mess and just devoured it over the sink, dripping juice everywhere.
If you've never eaten that much pineapple at one time, don't. I felt like shit cause of how acidic it was and probably cause of all the sugar. I drank a bunch of water to prevent myself from dying then brushed my teeth and went to bed.
3/10 would not do again.

>>8883440
or the enzymes in them that dissolve flesh proteins

>>8883451
is that real? not that guy but i also eat entire pineapples like that whenever they go on sale. usually i get a small blister/sore/whatever in the corner of my lip afterwards

>>8883636
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bromelain

won't happen when you eat it cooked (canned) because the enzymes get denatured, but raw pineapples have functioning protease in them so they'll bite back some

>>8883440
Holy autism

>>8879198
Your entire family is beta

>>8878884
What's the story behind this?

>>8882661
Im a skeletal polish guy actually

I put mustard based bbq sauce on my salad.