/ck/ - Food & Cooking

>recipe calls for salt pork
>use bacon
>it's ruined

>recipe calls for flour
>use strawberries

>recipe calls for tomato sauce
>use ketchup

>Recipe calls for milk.
>Use bacon.

>recipe calls for heavy cream
>use cream of mushroom soup

>recipe calls for salt
>use silica gel beads

>>8758938
>recipe calls for bacon
>kill myself

>recipe calls for meat
>use tofu

>>8758963
Does this work?

>recipe calls for ingredients
>go to fast food restaurant

>dishes call for washing
>order pizza and let dishes fester for another day

>recipes calls for water
>use my own saliva

>recipe calls for shaoxing wine
>use franzia

>>8758953
>recipe calls for flour
>use flowers
>ends up smelling flowery as fuck

>recipe calls for limes and coriander leaves
>use sweet oranges and parsley
THE ABSOLUTE COOKMAN

>recipe calls for kosher salt
>use bacon

>recipe calls for bacon
>use turkey bacon

>recipe calls for bacon
>use bacon

>>8758938
>recipe calls for tomato ketchup
>use banana ketchup

>>8759047
Not with a pound cake it didn't.

>recipe calls
>don't reply

>>8759106
Top kek

>>8758960
There is nothing wrong with this

>recipe calls for sugar
>use honey

>>8758938

>recipe calls for 425f for 20 minutes
>throw it in the microwave

>>8758938
>tank calls for regular unleaded
>pour diesel

This is like reading allrecipes.com reviews

Recipe calls for cream of tartar
Use tartare sauce

>>8759155
Someone pls post the screencap

>Recipe calls for frozen vegetables
>use fresh, homegrown ones instead

>recipe calls for baking soda
>use corn starch and tartar sauce instead

>recipe calls for 2 1/4 cups of flour
>use 1/2 cup of flour instead

>>8758962
I laughed harder at this than I should have

>American cake recipe calls for a shitton of sugar.
>Use half as much.
>It's still too sweet.

>recipe calls for swiss cheese
>poke holes in some cheddar instead

>recipe calls for salt
>use semen instead

>recipe calls for 7oz of liquid
>use 200ml instead

>recipe calls for sour cream
>use crème fraîche instead

>recipe calls for butter
>use margarine instead

>>8758938
>recipe calls for olive oil
>use sunflower instead

>recipe calls for doing things
>go to bed hungry instead

>>8758938
>Want to make BLT sandwich
>Use prosciutto

>recipe calls for experienced cook
>be ja/ck/ instead

>Recipe calls for baking soda
>Use Grape soda instead.

>mom calls for help
>continue playing videogames in a darkened room

>recipe calls for chopped onion
>use diced onion

>>8758938
that's perfectly fine

>toothbrush calls for toothpaste
>use bacon soap instead, that is, soap for cleaning bacon, not made from bacon fat or scented to smell like bacon

>>8759797
You're not very good at this, anon.

>>8759145
kek

>>8759800
shut up, pig, stop policing my posts

>>8759810
You'll do what your told, son.

>recipe calls for milk
>use chocolate milk

>recipe calls for frogs
>use pepes instead

>recipe calls for supporting father figure
>use hormone therapy

>>8759145
Even my toddler ate some!

>recipe calls for 2 cups of flour separated
>use two cups of flour combined

>>8759034
This kills the man.

>recipe calls for sodium chloride.
>Dump some chlorine tablets in.
>Starts to get harder to breath.
>Dump some sodium in.
>House explodes.

>>>8759270
THE ABSOLUTE MADMAN

>>8759145
>90% 1 Star reviews saying too much of y
>2% 3 star reviews saying this recipe calls for x of y but its best if there's more or less x or y is dropped or substituted
>8% 4/5Star reviews saying the recipe is good if you do what the 3 star reviews suggest
Why not just post a new recipe at that point?

>recipe calls for nestle brand chocolate chips
>use generic off brand chocolate chips

>recipe calls for shallots
>use onion

>recipe calls for M&Ms
>use the bit in the middle of a dishwasher tablet instead

>>8758938
I read that as "balloon"

>recipe calls for a half ladle of pasta water for the sauce
>use cornstarch and water instead

>recipe calls for cilantro
>use parsley instead

>>8760130
>recipe calls for cilantro
>use coriander instead

>recipe calls for big mac
>use mcchicken instead

>recipe calls for leeks
>use green onions instead

>recipe calls for olive oil
>use leftover bacon grease and butter instead
WAKE ME UP

>>8759120
Literally what everyone did before sugar was popularized

>>8759102
>use banana ketchup

Is there such a thing?

>>8760248
'no'
Literally what everyone did was not have any sweetener

>recipe calls for boiling sausages in water
>boil my shit in my piss

>making minute rice
>cook it for 61 seconds

>making morning coffee
>pour it out and snort meth instead

>>8760248
Not only honey. Molasses and maple syrup were often used. It's only recently that our love of "refined" aka, processed to all fuck, has usurped the role of more robust and flavorful sweeteners, through shrewd marketing aimed at gullible women who coincidentally, spend fortunes on fad diets and chemical makeup products.

>recipe calls for pepper
>use chili pepper flakes

>>8760475
>Buy giant bag of sugar for $5
>Lasts months and months and months
>Can be used in everything from baking to regular cooking of any conceivable meal
>or
>Buy small bottle of honey for $8
>Lasts two weeks at most
>Leaves every dish and baked good with overly high tones of the honey itself instead of letting the other ingredients come through
Wah wah go back to the medieval ages, faggot.

>>8760498
you're using too much honey

>>8759270
MODS

>>8759569
And the Oscar for "Most Reptilian Smile" goes to Anna Kendrick!

>>8759270
Feckin' kek

>>8759816
YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD YOU KEK FAGGIT

>>8760475
>"""processing""" is inherently bad

>recipe calls for human feces
>use a shredded print of Ja/ck/'s face instead

>>8760370
Apparently yes

http://www.pepperexplosion.com/baron-banana-ketchup/?gclid=Cj0KEQjwwoLHBRDD0beVheu3lt0BEiQAvU4CKpY_mNVfUepywVBnYWWKfola7Ok-31OwVIFjYXySlrgaAliY8P8HAQ

>>8759160

>recipe says to grease a pan
>don't

>recipe calls for me to kill myself
>go on to live a productive, happy life instead

>>8760568
>recipe calls for olive oil
>Use motor oil.

>recipe calls for a good looking person
>use me instead

>recipe calls for penis
>use spaghetti instead

>>8759126
casual
>recipe calls for 425f for 20 minutes
>microwave for 5 minutes
>slap on frying pan for 1 minute each side

fully cooked, still got that crunchy and slightly burnt outside like it was actually baked

>recipe calls
>ring ring, progresso!

>recipe calls for "best quality stock"
>chef uses regular quality stock instead

>recipe calls for oven
>you dont control me
>halp my stomach hurts

>>8759034

>>8759107
underrated

>Using recipes ever
lel

>recipe calls for baking soda
>uses bleach powder instead

>recipe calls for baking soda
>use yeast instead

>recipe calls for semen
>use salt

>>8759043
You motherfucker

>recipe says to serve and enjoy
>leave it on the counter and make my wife's son serve himself

>>8759501
I do the same with butter

>>8758938
>recipe calls for heavy cream
>can lift it with one hand
dyel fags?

>>8760814
you win

>recipe calls for salt
>use semen instead

>>8762841
>recipe calls for salt
>use pepper instead

>>8760082
fuck dude

>>8759826
Is that Chanel?

>recipe calls for salt and pepper on steak
>use A1 instead

>>8758953
I just keked so loud it woke up my roommates

>>8760027
silica gel beads are actually safe to consume.
The do not eat on the packets is because they're a choking hazard.
Silicon is non-toxic.

>recipe calls for curry powder
>use curry paste

>recipe calls for boiling water in a pot
>throw it in the microwave

>>8759050
MADMAN
A
D
M
A
N

>>8763173

I'm still amazed that Americans don't use electric kettles

>>8758938
>run out of salt
>use cum instead
>only cooking for myself

>>8763263
source?

>recipe calls for sugar
>use sugar

>>8763169
>recipe calls for curry powder
>use curry leaves, coriander, turmeric, cumin, fenugreek, and chili peppers instead

>>8760527
I may not be your real daddy, but I can make you call me daddy.

>>8759822
How are those mashed potatoes?

>>8759569
that bitch ruins every movie she's in for me

>recipe calls for letting it cool for 5 minutes before eating
>eat it immediately

>>8758938
>recipe calls for pork belly
>use bacon

>recipe calls for mozzarella/parmesan/gran padano/pecorino/gruyere/bechamel
>use cheddar

>recipe calls for potatoes
>die because of potato famine

>>8760528
Enjoy your mercury laced HFCS

>>8760136
>recipe calls for cilantro
>use culantro instead

>>8758938
>Recipe calls for a tsp of salt
>Use a tbsp of salt instead

>>8759145
10/10 it was disgusting and we ended up ordering a pizza

>>8760592
>recipe calls for just a dollop of high quality EVOO
>use a stick of butter instead

>recipe calls for milk
>use yogurt instead

>>8758938
kek

>recipe calls for cream
>use milk and butter

>>8763253
Small pot > Waste of space

>recipe calls for sugar
>use honey instead

>recipe calls for stock
>use own urine instead

>>8760475
Molasses is a byproduct of refining sugar, why do you think its somehow unprocessed?

>>8763253
Is this true? Why would they not use them?

>>8763785
You're right about plain molasses being made from sugar cane, but it's much less refined than white sugar and contains other minerals. But I meant sorghum molasses, anyway, which is made from an entirely different plant.

>recipe calls to finish off UK
>invade Russia instead

>>8763804
they just arent a thing here really, no one knows of them. closest thing is jew Kurieg machines

>recipe calls for yams
>use sweet potatoes

>recipe calls for eggs and oil
>use vinegar

>>8759053
>not using your own piss
get to my level, pleb.

>>8759102
>recipe calls for tomato ketchup
>realize nothing worthwhile calls for ketchup as a necessary ingredient and decide to cook something else.

>recipe calls for olive oil and lemon juice
>make mustard gas

>>8759145

>This macaroni and cheese recipe was delicious, instead of macaroni I used bread and instead of cheese I made a side tomato sauce, oregano, and basil to dip.
>What an amazing recipe!!!!

>recipe calls for cheese
>use Easy Cheese

>recipe calls for chicken stock
>use beef stock

>recipe calls me fat
>use all my strength trying not to kill myself

>recipe calls for a gentle stirring
>stir vigorously

>>8763533
>recipe calls for culantro and pigeon peas
>use parsley and black eyed peas

>recipe calls for the oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooolll' tappa tappa
>give it the oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooolllll' shaka shaka instead

>recipe calls for raw almonds

>recipe calls for spaghettoni
>use spaghettini

>>8763449
>recipe calls for grated cheese
>use American Shreds® Pasteurized Process Topping

>>8758953
this shouldn't be as funny as it is

>>8763326
Forgot Cardamom

>recipe says not to overmix
>mix vigorously

>recipe says to fold mixture
>stir it

>recipe calls for pecorino
>use parmesan instead

Be honest /ck/

Am I going to die?

>>8766872
Yes.

>>8763804
Supposedly because they have 120 voltages instead of 240, making electric kettles slow as fuck.

>>8766665
WHAT THE FUCK

>>8763511
[citation needed]

>>8761607
>recipe calls for good quality ingredients
>only use Great Value off brands

>recipe calls for a dash
>use a pinch instead

>>8767204
DEVILISH

>>8758953
I can't believe I actually laughed

>recipe calls for cheese
>use cheese-like food product instead

>recipe calls for 1 hour in the oven at 400°
>use 400 hours at 1°

>>8767213
>making deviled eggs
>sprinkle them with holy water
SOMEBODY STOP ME

>recipe calls for cream of tartar
>use tartar sauce instead

>recipe calls for tartar sauce
>use creme of tartar instead

>recipe calls for humor
>post in this thread instead.

>recipe calls for ground beef
>use flour instead

>recipe calls for stock
>use Vegemite instead

>recipe calls for stock
>liquidate my 401k

>>8763891
Kek

>recipe calls for potato starch
>use corn starch

>>8767688
fuck you

>>8758938

>recipe calls for anything
>fuck up beyond repair

>>8766527
Kek

>Recipe calls for onions
>Completely remove the onions from the meal

>recipe calls for fresh garlic
>use garlic powder

>>8767903
it finally happened, i have finally been triggered beyond repair

>>8763854
Plenty of people do. There are 3 in my house alone. They aren't as big of a deal because coffee is big here, not tea.

>Directions say to bake for 45 minutes
>Bake for 2 minutes

>recipe calls for eggs
>use my own sperm instead

>recipe says to be careful taking tray out of the oven
>grab it with my bare hands

>>8758938
Pancetta always works

>recipe calls for buttermilk
>use kefir

>>8759102
>recipe calls for tomato ketchup
>use tomato catsup

>recipe calls
>hang up

>recipe calls for prosciutto
>into the trash it goes

>>8768078
Pro-jute? Ova hear!

>recipe calls for prosciutto
>use prosciutto

>recipe calls for cheese
>use nutritional yeast and an olive oil to simulate the fat instead

>recipe calls
>I scratch my balls

>recipe calls for bacon
>no bacon left because i used it up on recipes that didn't call for bacon

>>8768101
>recipe calls for cheese
>I grab deez

>>8768066

>>8768066
kek

>recipe calls for panty raid
>i guess you're gonna miss it

>>8758938
>recipe calls of cream of tartar
>use tartar sauce

>>8767871
>recipe calls for anything
>use semen instead

>>8758938
>recipe calls for actually paying attention to the meal cooking
>shitpost instead of paying attention to my food
haha

>recipe calls for sharing meal with friends
>have no friends

>risotto recipe calls for continuous stirring
>only stir frequently

>>8760475
ah yes there is nothing the bitter virgin can't blame on women

>>8767092
http://ehjournal.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/1476-069X-8-2

>recipe calls
>go all in

>>8766549
>recipe call for activated almonds
>use deez nuts instead

>>8762945
>silica gel beads are actually safe to consume.
Maybe you like to consume CoCl2.

>recipe calls for flour
>use flavorless protein powder

>recipe calls for oven
>use cave fire

>>8768445
Maybe you'd like to consume C(O)Cl2, nigger

>recipe calls for bacon
>wtf bacon doesn't live here

>recipe calls for traditional german ingredients
>shit in my mouth

>>8763253
Yes we do. In fact, we got one for my dear old mom at Christmas time, and she loves it

>recipe tells me "enjoy!"
>don't enjoy it at all

>recipe makes six servings
>eat it all myself

>recipe calls for cheese
>use cheese food

>recipe calls for ketchup
>use mustard

>recipe calls of duty
>use doody

>recipe calls for Kellogs® Rice Crispies®
>use GreatValue® Crispy Rice®

>>8768789
fucking hell what a dumb logo. why is the a smaller than the i.

>recipe calls for capocollo
>use gabagool

>recipe calls for religion of peace
>behead infidels instead

>>8759460
#neverForget

>>8767414
>not doing 1 second at 1440000°

>recipe calls for salt
>use an entire barrel of enraged weasels

>recipe calls for or-egg-ano
>use ore-gah-no

>recipe calls for tomato
>use potahto

>>8768539
Kek

>recipe calls for a scientist
>use Batman

>>8758938
>recipe calls for prostitutios
>use your mom.

>recipe calls for salt
>use cocaine hcl

>recipe calls four
>five answers

>Recipe says to stir occasionally
>Stir constantly

>tfw ran out of quarters for my oven

>recipe calls for what is considered a common ingredient for said recipe
>use an unconventional ingredient some might consider to be bizarre in place of the common ingredient

>>8758953
I don't get it

>>8769617
it's funny because it's random

>>8763804
Don't use 240v like a civilised country.

>recipe calls for water
>use cheddar cheese

>recipe calls for egg whites
>use whole eggs

>>8769617

>recipe calls for garnish
>don't bother

>>8763253
Burger here, what's the point of one?
Why not just use a kettle on the stove?

>>8769755

They are faster than a kettle on the stove. What confuses me is why the Brits haven't discovered pic related yet.

>>8763804
>Is this true? Why would they not use them?

They do exist here, but they're uncommon.
Why? Simple:
1) we don't drink very much hot tea so we don't have much of a need for them.

2) our normal household outlets are only 110V. Thus our electric kettles are very weak compared to yours. A normal pot or kettle on the stovetop is much faster here in the US.

>>8763253
I'm Dutch and use a kettle. Rarely in a hurry to get water boiling and I like the wait when I'm making tea for some weird reason. Feels rustic I guess?

>recipe calls for eggplants
>use aubergine instead

>>8767012
That's unfortunate, does it mean shit charges slower too or is that a retarded notion?

>>8769755
Burger here, electric is way faster. With mine I can start it, find tea, scoop it into my honhon press and by the time I put the tea tin back the water's at the right temp.

>>8769833

Most devices that require charging (like a toy, cell phone, electric razor, tablet computer, etc.) use a TINY amount of electricity so those are unaffected.

It really only affects things that use a large amount of electricity, like heaters or big power tools. Makes no difference for anything else.

>tea calls for boiling water
>use hot tap

>Serve dish with crumbled bacon bits inside to a mudslime

>Recipe says to use Mexican Oregano
>Use Mediterranean Oregano instead

>>8770964
you need to have a job to do that dumb frogposter