/ck/ - Food & Cooking

>be 12 going to a sushi restaurant for the first time
>order unagi nigiri and an eel roll like a boss
>wolf it all down with a Dr. Pepper, tall and ice-cold like yours truly
>see some Jap with his hand out
>"what the haps, slanty?" (that was the vernacular at the time)
>"sir, it is customary to tip"
>"Here's a tip for you, Kato - if my grandfather hadn't saved your ass in dubya dubya two, we'd all be speaking French right now"
>he recoils his hand as if bitten, a profound look of shame on his heathen face
>I tell him to whip me up a monkey roll and some tamago nigiri with a quickness
>raise fist for emphasis
>he scurries off to make it, I wink and tell him he can keep a piece for himself
>he falls on his knees and pledges his eternal loyalty
>has been my faithful manservant ever since

>>8219472
Unfunny

>>8219476
>heinie-Hiroshima'd jap detected

>that kid who's mother ordered for him until the age of 16
I was that kid

>>8219490
I'm a white Australian. It just wasn't funny.

>>8219523
>Australian
>white

>>8219523
Have you ever made such bad shitpost that an Australian called it unfunny?

>that kid who refused to eat any food the color white
>seriously how can you be more arbitrary?

yeah that was my cousin

>>8219468
this is really cringey
but it kinda shows high intelligence

>the kid who says the food is great but barely eats any of it

I think my friend still does this. Please, tell me truth so you don't starve, we can buy something else.

>>8219570
It's an old Mitch Hedberg joke.

>the kid who says anywhere is fine but complains when they get there

[audible rage intensifies]

>>8219472
xD

>>8219468
>that kid who took his shoes off at restaurants
fucking indians

>>8219468
>asks for fertilized
>they bring him tendies
What the fuck, I wish I had know this sooner, it's so much cheaper than ordering tendies separately

>that kid who was breastfed until he was 12

>>8219614
I know your mom called it breastfeeding, but you have to understand that you were abused.

>>8219586
>>8219468

"The other morning my sister made some eggs. So we cooked them..." - Emo Philips

>that kid who asks for the works, but then proceeds to say "except for this this this this and this"

>Can I just get the chicken fingers basket.

>>8219620
depends if she was hot

>>8219511
I took my ex-girlfriend's 14 year old daughter out for breakfast. I found out that was the very first time she ordered for herself. It never even occurred to me that anyone over the age of 6-7 might not be able to tell wait staff what they wanted to eat.

>>8219472
3/10

>>8219734
Why would you be taking an ex-girlfriends 14 year old daughter for breakfast? . . .No - don't answer that!

>>8219468
>How do you want your steak?
>Kill it twice

Why do people do this? They sound so autistic. Just say you want it well done for fucks sake.

>>8219791
Better than "still mooing"

>>8219468
I've never been with or herd that in my life. why are you eating with 12 year olds op?

>>8219734
Cuck

>that kid who still ordered from the kids menu until he was 16

I-im not alone, right?

>that kid who told on you when you snuck food

>>8219855
>that kid in the dorms who stole over 30 napkin dispensers, over 50 drinking glasses, 100 pieces of silverware, and over 70 assorted bowls and plates from the university dining hall

>>8219850
I have never ordered from a kids menu

>>8219472
kek'd heartily

>>8219864
And surprisrisingly had no student debt when he graduated.

>>8219472
Kek

>that kid who speaks for the whole table when asked if you all would like another minute to decide

>>8219472
Toppest of the Kek to you, sir.

>>8219468
>that kid who always insist on paying even though you also make a nice allowance and can afford it and the only reason he's doing it is to cause a scene and have the other kids you're eating with think he's a swell guy but deep down he is a controlling sociopath who has to dominate everyone.

>that kid who stutters when giving out their order then turns red from embarrassment and he feels like complete shit about what happened
>I was that kid

>>8219911
hi

>>8219872
>tfw you were no longer a kid by the time you learned there was such a thing as a kid's menu

>>8219602
>Hes never been to a good Japanese restaurant

>>8219890
You don't get rich by spending money

>>8219999
>>8220000

>>8219468
>that kid who goes on a long rant about why tipping is bullshit but he doesn't realize nobody gives a shit.

>>8220223
>tfw this was legit me IRL

I'm so sorry, I need to leave the /ck/ shit here where it belongs

>>8219468
>be like two years ago
>go out to restaurant with friends
>friends dad is taking us
>we're all sitting down and qt waitress comes over to take our orders
>I order something simple, eggs and toast
>she asks "What kind of toast do you want Anon?"
>brainshittingitself.flac
>Look at her with a retard look and say "Uh... normal?" in a condescending manner
>everyone at the table looks at me like a retard
>friend says "He means... he wants his toast on white bread."

mfw I'm a fucking moron. I want normal toast.

>>8220316
I did the same thing the first time a waiter asked me how I wanted my burger. They just brought me it well done. I wasn't condescending about it though, just really confused.

>>8220320
I don't know if i was completely condescending but I was so confused I was thinking "The fuck does she mean? What fucking kinds of toast are there? Toast is toast."

>>8220326
>Toast is toast

Are you me? This is something my stepdad and I have been saying for years

>>8219586
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it

>>8220316
>toast on white bread
are you british

>>8220338
I mean, you can put stuff ON toast, but once another piece of bread is involved it's like a toasted sandwich. But toast generally is toast. I may be your long lost brother.

>>8220340
Nah I'm not british, Meant to say he wants white bread toasted. Not ON white bread.

>>8219729

No

>>8219890

Did he steal his university fees too?

>>8220316
>not knowing restaurants have more that one kind of bread option
you are retarded and socially inept and sound underage as fuck

>>8220370
I literally never fucking have any other kind of bread, nobody I have ever known has anything other than white bread, especially not toast. And I'm on fucking 4chan, you think I go out to eat often? Or in public? Please. Die faggot.

>>8219564
at least you know he doesn't suck dick

>>8219468
>the first time I went to a restaurant where they grate the cheese over your dish until you tell them to stop
>not realize this until I have a huge mound of cheese on my macaroni
was still pretty good

>>8220370
I bet you're one of those Rye-eating queers.

>>8220370
>>8220380
is it just me or has /ck/ been meaner than it was last year? I remember this place being pretty chill

>>8219468
>general

>>8220370
well he did order one of the simplest easiest things to make

>>8220397
In my defense she should have asked "what kind of bread would you like"

>>8220395

The election cycle is causing /pol/ users to lash out on other boards.

>>8220407
Correct. If someone asked me what kind of toast I wanted, I would say raw toast, please.

>>8220421
>>8220395
I don't use /pol/ but I also don't frequent /ck/ so this a rare occasion here for me.

>>8219564
My cousin was the opposite. He ONLY ate white food. Since he was little he's pretty much lived off of spaghetti noodles covered with butter, fettucine Alfredo, mashed potatoes, and even after working at Subway for 2 years (he's 18 now) he only ever ate provolone cheese toasted on the white bread (he had to learn what the other veggies were) I honestly can't think of another time when he's eaten anything else.

>have a lesbian sister
>whenever we go out to eat she makes a point of this
>'I won't have a burger, looks like a vagina, I am SICK of eating those'
>'I hope this food doesn't taste like pussy, haha, I've had enough'
>'I'll have a Diet Coke.... I'm not on a diet but I don't need to burp sugar when I am eating my girlfriend'
>'can I have extra fries? For my pussy'
>tfw everyone gets angry
>she doesn't care

Its fucking annoying
She is fat btw like 280lbs so don't think 'oh a hot lesbian'. She is fucking fat and annoying.

>>8220502
Sounds like she's trying to hard to make it a point she's a lesbian and is probably actually straight doing this for attention. Next time, just fucking embarrass her, just YELL in her face "WE GET IT, YOU'RE A FUCKING LESBIAN, NOBODY GIVES A FUCK, NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP AND EAT, NOT THAT YOU NEED TO, YOU FUCKING TUB OF LARD, GUYS THOUGHT LESBIANS WERE HOT UNTIL THEY LAID EYES ON YOUR BELUGA ASS"

Bet she stops.

>>8220502
I'm so sorry anon

>>8220316
>be 14
>eating out with my family
>order a steak
>waitress asks how I want it done
>never been asked so I say well done
>mother stops me and tells me I've always eaten medium rare and some chefs even get angry if you ask for well because it ruins the meat
>first time learning about this

>>8220502
Methinks the lady doth protest too much

>>8220560
>Tfw I still don't know the difference between well done, rare, medium rare and whatever else there is.

sry I've just heard kids:
youtube.com/watch?v=CB8eItG_v00

Oh boy I've been waiting for this thread. Have a wall of inbred cousins.

>That kid who tucks the napkin into his shirt like a bib, says no when the waitress offers extra napkins, and ends up using everyone else's to wipe his hands and face because he's a slob
>That kid who cuts into his steak, complains it's not cooked, gets a well done replacement and complains it's too chewy
>That kid's evil twin who squishes his steak with a fork, calls the juice grease and complains about it, gets served a dry-ass brick in return and complains it's too chewy
>That kid who eats one item out of his entire meal and doesn't want to take home his leftovers and then complains about being hungry on the ride home
>That kid who asks for another drink after taking two sips of the one he's got and ends up with 6-10 nearly full glasses of soda in his corner of the table
>That kid who orders an appetizer only he likes and then never touches it and snacks from everyone else's instead
>That kid who tells the waitress about his allergies AFTER his food has been brought to him and he has to order all over again and is complaining about slow service while he still has the menu and we're all on dessert
>That kid who gets asked "how's the food" and either burps, farts, or makes humming/smacking sounds as he eats
>That kid who loads his plate at buffets, eats one or two things, loads another plate, repeats until he's wasted about forty pounds of food and wants to go to mcdonald's on the way home
>That kid who pronounces croissant "quah-sahnt"
>That kid who pronounces challah with a CH sound
>That kid who pronounces mozzerella "moo-tsa-rah-lah" with an Italian inflection and that little hand motion with the fingertips together
>That kid who asks if something is fresh or frozen in a chain restaurant
>That kid who wants to sit on the inside of the booth and then crawls under the table so he doesn't have to ask anyone to move so he can use the bathroom every four minutes

>TFW Error: Comment too long

>>8220502
Even if she were hot as fuck, that would be annoying.

Fortunately, I have good news for you: your sister is 100% straight. Lesbians are notoriously tight-lipped about their sex lives.

>>8220502
Is your sister a character in a sit-com?

>>8219911
I sometimes instinctively say I need a minute not trying to talk for everyone, but I assume most of the people I know are adult enough t say "hey I'm ready tho."

>>8220588
whenever I was a kid I was never like that but when I had a cousin who did nearly over half of these things, I wonder wtf happened

>>8219986
so let the kid pay for dinner and thank him.
these kind of domination mind-games only exist in the mind, don't let him get to you.
>source: my childhood friend also become a sociopath when he started making his own allowance.

>>8220437
>I'm not on both boards so this is all new for me

I have a buddy who eats like a fucking child and it makes me unreasonably embarrassed to go out sometimes with him. I don't mean he has simple tastes, he just somehow has a mountain of used napkins at the end where me or anyone else maybe have two slightly soiled napkins. I just don't fucking get it.

>>8219850
I'm 18, ordered a kids menu at a vietnamese restaurant in Berlin because they're generous as fuck with portion sizes.

>>8220588
>6-10 nearly full glasses of soda in his corner of the table
what the fuck

>Grade school aged kid asking for his burger to be cooked medium rare because he saw it on television and wanted to sound smart

Never wanted to undercook a burger so bad and get him sick in my life, I don't know why but it irked me

>>8219472
I liked it

>>8221175
What's wrong with a medium rare burger? Or was the kid just irritating?

>>8221203
Yeah whatd wrong with medium rare burger. If its beef burger then I think Medium is better lol

>>8219734
Did she put out?

>>8221203
Live e.coli and salmonella are dangerous, anon

>>8221393
Oh don't be such a faggot. E.coli an salmonella are pretty rare even in cheap ground beef. I guess you've also never been in a car without buckling your seatbelt or rode a bike without a helmet?

>>8220502
Tell your family to stop inviting her to get food until she leans to shut the fuck up.

>>8221654
I like rare meat and I'd never do either of those things.

>>8220588
>That kid who gets asked "how's the food" and either burps, farts, or makes humming/smacking sounds as he eats

>>8220347
my brother died when i was nine years old. that was a bad year.

>>8219468
https://youtu.be/6x-JVXkd8SQ

I believe he was referencing this op

>that kid who sees something new/different on the menu and considers ordering it but panics when the waiter starts asking what everyone wants and just reverts back to the same thing they always get

>>8220407
Where I live "a toast" is 2 loafes of sandwich bread with cheese in it.

The sandwich bread is most commonly made of various sorts of wheat, however there are some mixed variables such as rye, so people usually specify when they order a toast.

If you just want a plain piece of bread toasted, you have to order "roasted loaf of plain white bread".

>>8219564
Reminds me of the "i only eat white food" customer, didnt have courage to ask why, middle age woman with creep eyes

>>8221982
I freaking forgot to inlcude
>goes to local pizza place with younger German cousin.
>bad at speaking German, ask cousin to set the order.
>brat orders a family size pizza for herself, childrens size pizza for me.
>brat takes a bite, starts crying cuz miss mommy and wants to go home.
>mfw. I didn't even get to bite my tiny pizza before the brat ruined even that pleasure.

>>8219612
>Tfw had to read this to understand the joke

>>8222008
no fried chicken, no watermelon, no grape drink, only chicken breast and mayonaise

>>8221879
A... different brother... :(

>>8220223

>>8219850
My sister sister does this and still watches Disney Channel. She's 17.

>>8219778
He's going for the ultimate revenge fuck.

>>8222359

>>8222386
I remember them. Shit's old.

>>8220223
>nobody gives a shit
>yet they still want those dollas out of you
Yeh no they care quite a bit.

>>8219850
Well maybe if those motherfucker would make some fucking Grilled Cheeses and put em on the main menu, I wouldn't have to

>>8219472
It would've been better had your retarded grunt grandfather eaten a bullet in his fat head

>>8220578
The amount of pinkness in the middle. It's just how thoroughly you want it cooked. The more rare it is the more pink in the middle. The more it's cooked the tougher the meat gets and the less juice it retains. Well done makes it very dry and very tough to chew.

>>8220599
Human beings in general are tight lipped about their sex lives. My guy friends only tell me shit when the girl was crazy/weird.

>>8220502
>can I have extra fries? For my pussy

>>8219472
>like yours truly

Actually laughed a bit. The rest of it was okay I guess

>>8219991
>implying any waiter would give a damn, while they can barely pay their rent

>>8219490
White amerilard here. Just not funny.

>>8220588
>challah
>head challah

>>8220588
>>That kid who pronounces croissant "quah-sahnt"

>>8220599
lived with a lesbian for a few months, had known her for like a year before that, she was very frank and outright with me about her sexuality. Not that I asked, just that it's something she'd share with me. but then, I'm queer as all hell so that might have sonething to do with it. She told me that the summer after she met me she'd had sex with a dude, walked home, and cried. (wanted to see if she was really a lesbian after being openly out in HS)
she was rad as hell, I miss you Ray!

>>8222491
Normal people are anyway. Sex lives are horribly uninteresting and nobody wants to hear about them except for manchildren obsessed with sex.

>>8222588
Kek

>>8222601
Strange. I thought queers and mandrake lesbians didn't get along that well. Learn something everyday.

>>8220588
but that is how you pronounce croissant. how do you pronounce it anon?

Why are you going out to restaurants with children?

>>8220316
she should have read the options to you immediately so it's really her fault imo

>>8219791
If I ask for a blue steak, do you know what I mean? No? Then leave the kitchen you uncultured swine.

>>8220223
>mfw my wife hates to tip at all anywhere but I love to tip generously, especially if everything was above par.

>>8220326
This.
Although the way the waiter asked seems retarded.
>How do you want your toast?

What? Toast is a verb not a noun, white, wheat, English muffin, biscuit, bagel, these are breads that can be toasted, not toasts that can be breaded.

>Texas toast
Yes, but context.

>>8219468
>the woman who says fertilized while winking when I ask her how she wants her eggs
CUM

>>8219661
its way easier to order a burger with everything no pickles instead of a burger with lettuce onions catsup mustard mayo and bacon

>>8220588
Sorry I fell asleep last night, here's moar. There are 18 cousins btw

>That kid who has to get every last bit of food off his plate and spends ten minutes scraping it with his fork for a few grains of rice. God help you if sauce was involved
>That kid who takes the slice of cake with the flower on it but doesn't eat the icing
>That kid who licks the spoon before putting it back in the serving dish
>That kid who says "I'm saving it for later" when you mention food on his face/clothes
>That kid who sticks his tongue out and rubs the lollipop/ice pop on it instead of just fucking eating or sucking it
>That kid who takes food from someone else's plate when everyone has the same shit
>That kid who gets fried chicken and peels the skin off when grilled chicken is just as easily available
>That kid who eats just the skin of the fried chicken
>That kid who dips his nuggets so that there's a gallon of sauce on each bite and each sauce packet only lasts 2-3 nugs
>That kid who eats french fries one at a time, chewing and swallowing each one individually
>That kid who requests specific pizza toppings and then picks them off
>That kid who pours the pizza grease pooled on his plate back onto his pizza slice
>That kid who licks/sucks the melted cheese off his broccoli and doesn't eat the broccoli
>That kid who's obsessed with trying to swallow food whole to prove something and ends up vomiting in 1 out of every 3 family gatherings
>That kid who bitches if his mom doesn't make his lunch and then only eats candy and pizza from the school anyway
>That kid who blows bubbles in his milk and doesn't fucking stop even when there's milk all over the table and everyone's done eating and he hasn't touched his plate
>That kid who refuses to use a lid and/or straw even though he's too retarded to drink from a cup without dribbling
>That kid who asks if there are free refills every time anyone gets a refill

I'll continue if you guys aren't sick of this.

>>8223004
>That kid who eats french fries one at a time, chewing and swallowing each one individually

That's normal if you aren't a fatass Amerilard shoveling food into your mouth like a pig eating out of a trough

>>8223016
Pretty sure the speed of consumption doesn't affect the mass of the fries or the eater.

>>8223004
>>That kid who eats just the skin of the fried chicken
Cartman is that you?

>>8223004
swallowing food whole sounds amazing, also continue

>>8223004
Keep going but leave out the parts where the issue is just your blatant autism.

>>8219602
What is it with pajeets
>wear polos sunglasses and jeans
>shits on street
>takes shoes off in public

>>8219472
Awful

>>8223004
>That kid who eats french fries one at a time, chewing and swallowing each one individually
I do this, although it depends on the size of the fries.
I like to enjoy my food.

>>8219602
obviously can't speak for your persona experience but it's considered polite to remove your shoes indoors in india.
of course, that depends on the place.

>>8223004
>>That kid who has to get every last bit of food off his plate and spends ten minutes scraping it with his fork for a few grains of rice.

My bf does this, it makes me happy. Means he really liked the food and the dishes are easier to clean.

>>8219911
Oops

>>8222703
If you're going for the actual, French pronouncing, it'd be something akin to croah (with a throaty "r" sound)-san.

My French is rusty as all hell, though, so maybe an actual frog, or maybe a quebecois, could correct me.

>>8219850
i want to tittyfuck that 2d

>>8219850
>clinging this hard
are you applebloom?

>>8222602
Tell us again about how tight your right hand grip is. If I bang a bad bitch, people are hearing about it afterwards. Suit up

>>8224411
>triple dubs
check'd

>>8220502
>She is fat btw like 280lbs so don't think 'oh a hot lesbian'.

Fuck, I was thinking she was hot while reading your story.

>>8224820
I'm glad you think so well of people, even given no reason to. It's nice to see someone so optimistic.

>that kid who took the icing off the cake

>>8219472
>I wink and tell him he can keep a piece for himself

Only part that made me kek
4/10

>>8219911

What's wrong with that? If one does the waiter has to well, wait. So what changes?

>>8224820
Same bro. I was thinking of a qt, thicc blonde with a short haircut. Was disappointed to have that mental image replaced with trigglypuff

>>8220384
>all dicks are white

>>8220631
>did nearly over half these things
>nearly over half
>nearly over

That's a pretty convoluted way to express:
>half

>>8223004
>pourable pizza grease

Martsharter identified