/ck/ - Food & Cooking

>>7700362
? it's just ground beef and a sweet potato

throw some veggies on the side and i'd eat that

>>7700508
lmao

>>7700508
Thats pretty good.

>>7700508

>>7700362
Does anybody have the one of Anon making steak and burning it?

Or when someone made Marie's italian tomato sauce

>>7700719

>>7700721

a classic

>>7700726
this one is the best

>>7700726
>the closest thing I had to dress shoes
I'm fucking dead.

Does anyone have floor chicken?

>>7700778
http://4chandata.org/ck/Find-a-small-piece-of-chicken-on-the-ground-in-my-roomHaven-t-eaten-chicken-in-2-daysStare-at-it-for-awhileeat-itit-tastes-amazing-a258750

Oh wait I found it

Old favorite

I had been out drinking again tonight, it was all I could manage to unlock the door, stumble into the house, then relocking the door, before I stumbled over to the couch and passed out.

It was a dark and stormy night, amongst the raucous of howling wind and errant tree branches striking the house, the sound of the kitchen door's window pane being shattered could hardly be discerned. A gloved hand reaches through and fumbles with the lock before roughly shoving the door open. I remain asleep, oblivious to the outside world.

The figure inspects the interior further, missing my presence on the couch, he proceeds upstairs and down the hall. Reaching the master bedroom, the door is already open a crack, my wife was waiting for me. Entering the room, the figure moved carelessly and hit the dresser with his boot. My wife awakens startled and reaches for the lamp switch, turning it; light floods the room, revealing the gruff visage of the intruder. She screams, but the man is upon her swiftly, he muffles her cry with his hand, he grabs the metal lamp and bludgeons her repeatedly with it, only dropping it after several blows had been dealt. Stepping back, he is confronted with the deed, all he needed was a fix, something to sell, and all too quickly he had become a murderer.

He ran from the scene, with all the speed that he could, through the hall, down the stairs, past my still sleeping figure on the couch, through the kitchen door and out into the darkness.

I awoke approaching noon. Sitting there, rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I scolded myself. I had promised her I wouldn't go to the bar again this week. Getting up, I pass the kitchen archway without looking inside, I climb the stairs and walk down the hall, finally entering the master bedroom. The grisly scene unfurled before my eyes, the stark truth of it obvious even in my hung-over state: my wife had been killed in the most brutal fashion.

If there ever was a reason for an Egg McMuffin, this is it.

holy shit

Other old classics include Sogwich, MSG in Meat/Pain head, PHR Salt...Sceak, Angie. Man, /ck/ was funny back in the day.

Another favorite quote of mine:
Can you grow fruit indoors?
>>Your mom managed to.

>>7700813
tl;dr

>>7700364
Is this a men in black joke?

>>7700837
whats wrong with this? two quarters make a half right?

>>7700364
are those prunes and cheerios?

I must say this one is lost on me even if I did laugh

>>7700852
>steak, egg, and cheese biscuit
I hope he meant bagel. their biscuits suck

>>7700854
>fucking with emotionally fragile 13 year olds and putting the idea in their head that strangers know where you live and could find you and kidnap you if they wanted to

>>7700858
No that's jalapeños Cheerios and cigarettes

>>7700902
Oh okay, thanks.

>>7700723
Top notch.

>>7700837

Frenchfag here, i don't get it.

Why not say half of whatever a cup is.
The OP fucked up but i don't know where...

>>7700944
2.25 cups

not 1/4 cup x2

>>7700879
I know this is a joke but my grandmother legit did this

1/4

2/4

3/4

4/4

>>7700952

...oh, right.

thx

>>7700901
this is the world we live in senpai

>>7700969

>>7700993
I love jack

>>7700999
checked

>>7700362
>he forgot to edit out a (You)

>>7700966

>>7700854
>He never added a diet coke instead of 2 liter Dr Pepper
Wasted oppurtunity tbqh.

>>7700993
beautiful

>>7701008
>people would bother doing this

shameful display

>>7700999
nice digits anon

>>7700508
Haha THATS RICH

>>7701024
ty

>>7700999

>>7701055
>>7701024
>>7700999
Samefag. Fuck off. We're not buying your shit.

>>7701060
filename

>>7700993
>>7700999

>>7701075

>>7700738
>that perfect circular hole

My fucking sides.

>>7701075

this is the least funny post I've ever seen because in includes both jack and cuckk

>>7701066
>Nice try, I can use MS paint

Jack please go.

>>7701157
cuck meme is getting old i don't know how /pol/ is going to keep it up through november

>>7701169
people like you are ruining this board
>>>/b/

>>7701179

>>7701179
Stay mad, retard. You can't just force unfunny garbage like that.

>>7700854
Man the harpoons!

>>7700952
so not enough flour?

>>7701075

>>7701268
haha

>>7701295
please be real

2 slice toaster
what do you do when you only want one piece of toast?
throw in trash
a waste of perfectly good slice of bread
worst "invention" ever

>>7701306

>>7701306
+1

>>7701268

"You've lost the plot, kid"
One of my favorite expressions, from a person who has a fantastic knack for condescending and insulting phrases

>>7700966

>>7701493
I didn't come here to feel.

>>7701493
>>7701496
Oops meant to link that one, not the other one.

>taking screencaps of all this unfunny shit
>saving it
>reposting it

You guys are retarded. For real. Yes, seriously.

>>7700886
I like McD's biscuits. Not the greatest obviously but they're not bad.

>>7701551
Yet here you are, so offended you had to angrily slam your sausage fingers on your keyboard to tell us how terrible we are.

Thank you for your post. I think I will seek therapy to see if I can be cured of my retardation for laughing at something on the internet, and then finding them funny enough to want to share with others.

How much therapy did you need to have to be able to live such a joyless life?

>>7694444

>>7700874
>>7700944
2 cups plus 1/4 cup (aka 'two and a quarter' cups) != 1/2 cup (aka 'two quarter cups')

Requesting potato math, if anybody screened it.

>>7700850
Warning: This actually makes nucular, not banana cookies

>>7700362
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hthpp-cZOyU

>>7700362

>>7701653
>nucular
wut

>>7700868
Better kill myself before that holiday to america I guess.

>>7701699
Jesus fuck. That shot with the cheese slices is like in horror films where the main character has gotten caught and it the camera pans over the serial killer's array of torture devices.

>>7700984
Wtf man

>>7701802

Roomate jed is a pretty nice story, long while since I read it.

Though I'm pretty sure he missed mentioning that he removed the biker helmet what with his later fuckups and all.

>>7700862

I don't get it

Requesting the screencap where someone tries to butcher roadkill in the bathtub but they literally have no clue what to do and it just looks like an abomination.

>>7700968
>nobody got where he got the idea for the little gingerman from
Nobody on /ck/ watched Dexter's Laboratory?

>>7701899
Dexter's Lab is for newfags. Anybody on /ck/ is 35 or older

>>7700871
Delete this

>>7700891
>flyover haute cuisine

>>7700738
I still don't understand how this happened. The can exploding shouldn't send the pot upwards, just the lid if it were covered. But then the stove-top also broke as well.

>>7701926
Lid flew up and broke the ceiling
Pot was exploded down and was forced into the stove

>>7701929
Do exploding cans have that much pressure that it could push the pot down hard enough to shatter the stove-top?

>>7701498
that was me six years ago.

i ended up mixing random spices and dr. pepper and shooting it up with a leftover turkey injector.

was edible/10

>>7701938
Oh yes. Definitely.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83kVmUYL1s0

>>7701942
good to know

>>7700868
I'm always mystified by these. For four dollars you can literally buy a loaf of bread half a pound of "cheese" and half a pound of butter.

>>7701564
i laughed

>>7701157
>jack and kek

I dunno who he is but there's a mixed drink joke to be had there

>>7700999
>tfw jack knows we exist

>>7700972
>>7700979
>>7700981
>>7700984

Laughed so hard my housemate thinks I'm a nutter, my eyes watered, and it caused my moisturizer to get into my eyes and they now burn. I will never not read that.

>>7701997
does he?

>>7702033
Yes, someone sent him a link to a Ja/ck/ thread.

>>7702047
what did he say?

>>7702055
He said something like "there's a lot of messages there that are not so nice".

>>7700901

Dumb bitch deserved it tbqhwyf

>>7700988
what's this?

>>7702106
>bloody mary garnished with a bloody mary

>>7702130
Fuck I never noticed that before. 10/10

>>7702193
I've never been one for poop or fart jokes or humor, but when anons write out their elaborate shit experiences, it's so stupidly funny.

>>7702112
Wow, this is ancient.

>>7702065
I want to see them tho

>>7701070
what the fuck is this shit

>>7700969
how the fuck would they not screen cap more of this?
I want to know what happened!

>>7700792
I don't care if it's fake or not I wish I had a boss that cool.

Somebody have that one thing? A guy calls it his something sauce, it's just a mix of ketchup/mustard and I think soy sauce, but he forces his kids to eat it and they can't eat if they don't use it

>>7702323
quinky sauce

i don't have the image but there's the name

>>7702130
>bloody mary garnished with a bloody mary
lol how did I never noticed that before haha

>>7702193

it was probably second use brownie shake they got

>>7702201
>>7702112
Needs a wa la! Addition.

>Cake Crumb Hot Hot Hot

>>7702430
Do you have the "peppa pig is hot" one?

>>7701918
Never ;)

>>7702651
I thought I did, but nope. Have this instead.

>>7702663
Thanks for the effort, at least.

>>7701493
Why Anon? I came here to laugh, not cry.

>>7702651
>peppa pig is hot

Gotcha senpai.

>>7700364
This looks like art.

>>7702713
Thanks, scro

>>7702713
Holy fuck I didn't see that coming

>>7700988
What the fuck is that and why does it get its own steak

>>7702713

>Rare pork meatballs

jesus christ

>>7702713

>Peppa pig is hot!

B-but anon! That's forbidden love!

>>7700803

Oh christ I remember this

>>7700883

That was a fun thread

>>7700944
europeans should be banned from the board.
christ.

>>7703158
It's not our fault you lot refuse to advance to metric.

>>7702207
Bestiality porn

>>7700837
This thread was golden.

>>7702201
lol rage comics aren't even cool on reddit anymore.

>>7702097
I don't get it

>>7702193
To this day I still don't know what could cause such a reaction. I don't think even a laxative overdose can set your guts on fire, can it?

>>7703209
Okay, this is funny.

>>7703218
This is some passive-aggressive shitheel trying to get someone to burn their face off.

>>7703203

soda and chips don't for a complete meal make

(not even with a sandwich)

>>7701699

>>7700999
Why? Why use your tongue like that. We don't have dog tongues or something. What the fuck.

>>7703244
The lizard people are real, and they walk among us.

>no one's posted this gem yet

>>7702198
It's the one 4chan reality: greentexts about shitting are most amusing

>>7702112
>how to weave a bacon mat

I want this book

>>7701070
>it's still there

>>7700837
loved that, i am the one who asked him to take a pic of his measuring stuff
from there the thread became what it was :)
was a great night.

>>7701564
>whisk
haha what

>>7703166
Here I'll rewrite it for your dumb ass.

2 1/4 Grams

>>7702193
Fucking saved

>>7702097
that's a pretty solid deal though desu

though pepsi is shite

>>7703414
>any pesi cola product

>>7700508
>not instead getting half a ton of artificial crab meat
>not pretending to make a huge fucking plan with the tristate area involved
>not posting it on /diy/ and then failing to deliver

I'm still a little mad but not really

>>7701831
They have a great sense of humor

>>7701493

Thanks, asshole.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ntv9R1She5A

>>7703241
But it's a great midday meal

Have any of you ever done any food based comedy?
My local grocery store is hosting an open mic. I am going along and have a few Oreo based jokes prepared (I am going in as 'Mr Oreo'. I have a few good ideas even though I lack confident. Do you guys have any experience? What kind of jokes do you like?

>>7701496
>>7700966
It just makes me sad that there are people that autistic on this board.

>>7700721
>be cat
>buy human
>drink water
>oven dies

>>7703549

I'm pretty sure that anon is Jordan Schlansky.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6A8W77m-ZTw

>>7703549
>Not recognising obvious bait and sarcasm
>Calls other people autistic

>>7703560
Buttflustered autist detected

>>7700362
Anybody have anything from old rambling guy? Is he kill now or what?

>>7703224
Do you really want to share a board with people stupid enough to throw ice into hot oil?

>>7703562
It's supposed to be 18+ here, little guy

>>7703178
>lol
>caring about reddit
Underage b&

>>7700726
>cleats
>dress shoes

>>7703243
haha

>>7701941
>2010 was six years ago

>>7703770
>1990 was 37 years ago.

>>7700847
Lost.

>>7700721
Sadmotherfucker is correct here. Everyone else is a fucking idiot.

>>7703804
Sadmotherfucker please go.

>>7700874
>>7700944

That anon assumed that 2 1/4 cups means 2((0.25c), in which c = cup, essentially meaning 0.5c or half a cup.

I don't know how fractions are written in Europe, but around here 2 1/4 usually means 2.25. That anon put in less than a quarter of the required amount of flour.

>>7703823
oh this makes much more sense. I was wondering how his thought process was so bad, this makes him seem less retarded

>>7703201
Is this the Filipino food pyramid?

Anyone got caps of Moot posts? When he bought the copper pan, etc.

>>7703361

> no animal protein
> semen

Wait a second

>>7703207
underrated

>>7703964
When I was homeless I broke into an empty apartment and actually had to do this.

>>7703973
Why the fuck would you not use a frying pan?

>>7703982
Didn't have one, had just shoplifted the meat and went straight there. I scoured the place for anything flat and metal to use as a substitute but no dice.

>>7704009
>dice
Is that what homeless drug dealers call "cookwear" ?

>>7704019

no dice -> no luck -> common expression unrelated to drugs

>>7704019
>drug dealers
Now you're just buttering me up.

>>7703207
Imagine a radiologist walking in on him doing this.

>>7703964

>>7701268
>,,,,;

What the fuck?

>>7703546

>that image

Oh god. Please no.

>>7703959
>Women knowing how to cook
When will this meme die?

>>7703546
stream it live anon

>>7703797
woah, really makes you think...

somebody please post the one with a trashed house and cream cheese

>>7703797
Sometimes I wish I was as dumb as you. Then I wouldn't be so aware of all the bad things in the world and I could live blissfully chewing on nerf footballs.

>>7700882
For context

>>7703766
>eating desk
Wut

>>7700806
>we tip with a rip
No fucking way.

>>7701699
tfw someone reposts your shitty screencap

>>7700719
>>7700721
Honestly when I read OP I was expecting a thread about purposely drinking water that fish have actually died in.

>>7703959
Yes, good goy! Hate yourself for being white!

>>7703224
Hah, ever work in a kitchen? Makes for good laughs throwing ice cubes in a fryer just as the dudes gearing up to filter them pesky buggers after a busy night.
Nice hearty laugh at their expense.

>>7701268
Go home Gordon, you're drunk.

>>7703546
If you pulled this off just right, it would be amazing.

>>7704545
That's fucking cold.

Sadly, the nips are coming for your bants.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xtlDe-MHBh4&feature=youtu.be&t=2m8s

Can anyone explain the Kazerad meringue thing? I've heard it mentioned a few times but I can't find it anywhere.

>>7704567
We do this with our apprentices all the time. "Oh no now the frying oil is too hot we have to cool it down, dump some icecubes in it", if they are smart enough they won't do it, if they aren't well.. their fault :P

>>7704584
We made our guys "air out the walk-in" with a garbage bag. Had to get out the stale air. Depending on how long they hung out in their whooshing that goddamned trash bag around determined their punishment for being a dummy

>>7701831
Apparently it looks like shit to some of them.

>>7701831
>>7704615
they think the fish looks like a dick, and when other people say it looks like a poop they think they are more mature/funny because they see a dick instead

>>7701564
Cute hands. This guy is well-endowed.

>>7704622
It's more that the others singled themselves out as idiotic by suggesting it bears resemblance to poop of all things.

>>7702713
The biggest crime here is not putting pork in the Peppa Pig is Hot.

>>7703766
>Medarge
I had a friend that used to do shit like this.

He would even brag about it on occasion.
>Dude, getting free extra fries is easy! Just tell them they got your order wrong!

Fuck I was mad at him. I don't talk to that faggot anymore.

>>7703546
I want so badly for this to be real.

>>7700972
>>7700979
>>7700981
>>7700984

Thank you! I've been looking for this.


>>7702277

>>/ck/thread/S6754510

>>7703207

>>7700895
reminds me of this

>>7700386
I still hope that was bait to this day

>>7704987

>>7703485
I waited forever for that payoff to. Literally the only time I was in /diy/ and I came across that thread. I'm assuming nothing ever came of it?

>>7700999
This man went down on his wife's pussy with that tongue, and thence procreated.

>>7700850
This actually makes mustard gas

>>7700966
>not respectful

>>7703546
wtf is this dude???

>>7702065
I know he's jack and that he's a complete asshat, but damn...

>>7705029
Nope, countdown ran out and nothing was mentioned of it again.

>>7700508
Crab legs at the movie theater are a /tv/ meme for some reason, there is a thread about it right now >>>/tv/69932198

>>7700362
That looks like a massive samefag

>>7703546
it won't work without an oreo costume. hit up /cgl/ for costume tips

>>7704550

>>7700988

>ingles bag

my fucking nigga

not from this board but cooking-related

>>7705397
fuck, it actually is from /ck/, the colour scheme threw me. this is what I get for not reading it before I post

>>7703564
I miss him

>>7705355
i don't get it

>>7700854
I did this same thing with some black bitch posted on /b/ that was begging for food on social media.

I sent her 10 pizzas with no sauce, no cheese, and big ass sausages on it (they basically end up rolling around in the box as they aren't embedded into the dough), 10 2liters of diet pepsi (the worst soda), and a box of 44 naked wings with no sauce. Also texted her something along the lines of "I hope you enjoy the food boo. Have a good night <3"

Wish I still had the pic and the messages, she tried to say her mom was a cop and that they'd find me. Was a pretty fun night.

>>7701022
You're already scum if you're screencapping your own posts, might as well go all out and pretend you aren't.

>>7704523
To be fair, Laquisha didn't cook, either. She just brought home KFC.

>>7700966
>>7701496
i wish those caps included the guy vehemently defending his actions and trying to return the threads back to
"stories of hosts from hell" and 'whats considered homemade'

>>7700362
Not strictly /ck/ but no humor thread would be complete without at least one. Lost my folders and can't be parsed to download the rest

>>7705355
not funny at all
you have terrible taste in humour

>>7701926
Equal and opposite reaction, lots of force on the pot to get that lid to fly fast enough to do that.
My electric stove top broke simply because I had a stock pot on it. It was an older oven and I used that pot on it many times, so I'm sure it was a case of stresses adding up, but still, those stove tops are fragile, no matter what the sales person tells you.

Wasn't /ck/, but still cooking related.

>>7705387

I can still get Vanilla Coke. I'm probably one of the few in Canada who can, though.

>>7701493
I didn't come here for these feels.

>>7705604
allow me

>>7703380
actually that was me, you fag. Stop taking credit for what isnt yours.

>>7700972
too bad martain made the whole thing up. If you crawl the archives at SA I actually posted in that thread

>>7700726
this motherfucker is a dumb shit.
a) shellfish are not fish, they have pain receptors
b) you either put shellfish on ice so they go into hibernation and freeze to death relatively quickly and painlessly or you put a knife through their head
c) if he wanted to do the old condom in a biscuit trick he should have made a meringue
d) what a fucking sperg in every EVERY sense of the word
I mean I can't even say that his heart was in the right place because all he wanted was a fucking.

>>7703207
You could very easily have figured that all out just by eating a few fucking twinkies.

>>7700726
>buys 4 lobsters for 2 people
>cooks plastic
>"bon apetit, wanna fuck?"

>>7705490
Is the joke that he has body dysmorphia?

>>7701493
fake

>>7701831
Its similar to "the absolute madman" one

>>7701005
>napalm the palestinians in the race war now

>>7706312
and gay

>>7705064
Go away /x/