/ck/ - Food & Cooking

I had a room mate that destroyed a pot while failing to boil water.

>>7178645
My sister started a small pan-fire, lost her cool and tried to dose it with water on Thanksgiving. Thank God I was there, got the pan out of her hands and properly managed it. Burnt the fuck out of my hand, but better than cause a house fire.

>>7178645
Place an order from US Foods, which pretty much assured everything the restaurant served would be mediocre at best. Same goes for SYSCO. Garbage in, garbage out.

>>7178645
My grandma put a raw egg into mashed potatoes. Said they made them fluffy. I freaked out and refused to eat them because salmonella.

Over Salting the shit out of stuff, like sauces, rice, etc...before tasting it. Totally ruins it. Food so salty it's almost inedible to a regular person.

Also had a friend that wore roller skates in the kitchen till they lost balance and fell and spilled hot chili all over themselves.

>>7178665
Is he Japanese? What the fuck

>>7178645
Why are you posting pictures of pornstars on /ck/?

>guy at this house party frying bacon naked the morning after
>hes hungover as shit and threw up a bunch outside but needs to cook because Epic Random Stoner Munchies!!!! lol!!
>pours a bunch of oil for the eggs with shaking hands
>retreat outdoors with my coffee because i can see where this is going
>smoke my morning cigarette until the doors bust open again
>hairy fat shit rolling on grass to put out the "fire" on his tum-tum (tiny splatter)
>get towel to put over the greasefire

>>7178648
how?

happend to myself

>want to make coffee
>put pot on stove
>wait
>pot starts smoking
>wonder why
>wait even more
>forgot to put water in the pot

>>7178676
She put some water on to boil for something and forgot about it. The water all boiled away, it was one of those copper bottomed stainless pots and it got so hot that the copper part separated from the stainless part with a loud bang.

>>7178671
ouhh gross not waifu
che/ck them

my roommate cooks everything on high heat. rice, eggs, meat, potatoes, it doesn't matter. always high heat.

>>7178665
I put a raw egg yolk in my mashed potatoes. Delicious.

Watched a woman try to open a tin can with a bottle opener once. She apparently couldn't tell the difference.
This was on a fucking cooking show too.

I had some honey in a ball jar type container. It crystallized on the bottom. I told my friend if he microwaved if for a few seconds it would liquefy. He put the container in the microwave with the lid on. Not only did it spark and do damage, but the jar broke and filled my microwave with a pool of broken glass and honey.

All the same guy:
Wants to defrost one piece of toast from a loaf of bread he's frozen
>puts whole sealed bag of frozen bread in microwave for 5 minutes
Uses microwave
>metal tray
Has no room in the fridge for a 12 pack of eggs
>puts them in the freezer
>"wait, do eggs freeze?"
>throws away 12 exploded eggs

This one kid put ground pepper in a pepper grinder

Same kid used a cake spatula to cut a pork loin

Fucking idot in the kitchen one time i put some onion powder in aome french onion soup i was making that was not in the recipe and he flipped out that i did not exactly follow the recipe i was given

Pic related

>>7178667
>Also had a friend that wore roller skates in the kitchen

>>7178931
Don't you mean roller blades

>>7178645
sauce on these chicks?

>>7178923
Also in the kitchen this girl was making tomato soup for her final (shes fucked)
She tastes it at the end and says its a little bland so she grabs the salt and puts a literal hand full like her whole cupped hand full of salt in less then a qt of tom soup that was allready salted

Chef said it tasted like the ocean and shes was the only one who didint pass her mid term
I got to make chicken stock and korean bbq and she gets fucking tomato soup and fucks it up then gets mad when she gets an f

>>7178937
I'm sure there's been sauce on them, man sauce.

>>7178671
it happens on every board

shill posts random thread with pornstars/webcam "models"/etc., then probably posts again asking who they are. suddenly they get more attention which means more money.

>>7178665
pussy

>>7178882
This is one of the stupidest rookie mistakes I've see also - using high heat no matter what they're making.

My dad was trying to make biscuits and gravy once
>puts ground sausage in pan
>adds about an inch of water wtf?
>boils sausage on high for 15 minutes then drains all the liquid and cleans pan
>presses sausage with paper towels until all moisture is gone
>puts skim milk into pan on high heat
>when it starts to boil he adds flour
>instant lumps
>looks for whisk as "gravy" starts burning
>starts yelling "See anon it'll get away from you THAT QUICK if you don't keep an eye on it!"

Fuck you, dad. Learn to cook, faggot.

>>7178665
If the potatoes are hot as in straight out of the pot, the egg probably gets cooked.

Just like egg in the chicken olive prune carbonara.

smoke weed

>>7178937
Reily Reid and Melissa Moore

>>7178937
i think the one on the left is riley reid

buddy tried to do a front flip off a chair and smashed his front teeth on a granite worktop.

I have granite kitchen worktops because im not poor

>>7178645
My brother cut off the pad of his thumb by trying to cut a turnip on its round surface with a blunt knife. The absolute retard had his back to me and I thought he was chopping herbs because he was shaking so much. Turns out the shaking was due to the pressure he was exerting on the knife and the turnip wobbling.

>>7178665
Lel fucking pleb

I always put egg yolk in my ramen because shit's tasty

Me and my girlfriends were idiots and didn't know how a deepfryer worked back then so we just pelted everything into it and picked it out with tongs. It was much later when we figured out it came with a fucking basket.

>>7179091
Ignore that plural girlfriends. I never had a harem that was super into making deep fried oreos.

I've had to stop buying yellow washing up liquid because I kept absentmindedly mistaking it for cooking oil..

>>7178952
Your dad sounds cool as hell. I'd buy him 2 beers

>>7178674
>things that never happened

My mother once burned a pot, then decided to put some potpourri in another pot with water to get rid of the terrible smell and burnt that pot as well.

>>7179119
He likes Miller Lite in a glass, half room temperature tap water and half beer.

Girlfriend's mom took 100% frozen tuna out and immediately grilled it. It should not surprise you that this lady is somewhat rich

>>7178665
You realize salmonella from eggs is really rare, right? And that if you live in North America, your chances of catching it are even lower, right?

Sometimes, I don't know if people are stupid or trolling

>>7178981
you mean mommy and daddy aren't poor

>>7179151
Absolutely DISGUSTING.

Does he not know that's wrong? Did you not tell him that Miller Lite isn't even really beer to begin with?

>be me
>3 years ago
>high school culinary arts class
>ghetto queen in our senior level class
>she turns on range with sauce pan on it
>nothing in pan
>let's it sit for 3 mins on high heat
>decides to add ice cold heavy cream to start a sauce
>entire room instantly fills with smoke
>smoke leaks down the hall
>sets of fire alarm
>entire school evacuated
>outside for a good hour waiting for the fire department to clear the school

>>7178645
Seen a girl try to sear tuna steaks on low heat

>Be a very novice baker
>Cousin, who is 16 and has downs syndrome, asks me to show him how to make christmas cookies over the holidays last year
>Decide it might be fun and maybe I can teach him a useful skill
>Decide to show him simple shortbread christmas tree cookie with him
>Basically make the dough for him
>Give him the christmas tree shaped cookie cutter
>tell him to cut out the tree shapes
>he looks and me then looks at the cutter
>realise I just gave him a sharp object
>he slams the fucking cutter into the dough with all of his tard strength
>entire counter shakes from the force
>very scary experience
>eventually he finishes cutting the cookies
>he did it so retardely that they don't look like christmass trees anymore
>they look more like christmas mount fujis
>doesn't matter, I escaped unharmed, put them into the oven
>tell him to wait for 5 minutes while I go to the toilet
>pissing in the toilet
>suddenly smell burning
>panic and run out the room
>cousin is standing next to the now open oven
>miniature palstic christmas tree from the dining room table has been crudely stuffed in
>he tells me that it felt bad seeing its friends getting nice and warm together
>have to run over and pull it out
>parents come downstairs and see me with piss stained pants putting a burnt plastic tree on the side while my retarded cousin tries to reach into the oven with his bare hands
>run over and stop everything
>later we are all forced to eat the cookies and tell him what a good job he did, I get no credit

>be in uni sharehouse with 5 good mates
>half are students, one is a drug dealer (we didn't know until years later) and one is a dole-bludger (on welfare)
>the bludger can't cook for shit
>everyone else can
>one day I see him in the kitchen looking happy as fuck
>"i'm gunna make some dim sims!"
>he says as he cuts open a bag of frozen dim sims
>"cool" I say, then go to the store for something
>come back 45min later and the kitchen is on fire
>apparently the dumb fuck didn't read the instructions
>he put them in the microwave in a non-microwavable plastic container for 45min, with no water
>wonders why the microwave was on fire

the fucker was so shit at cooking it was ridiculous. he even did this >>7178683 when failing to boil water once.

>>7179322
You don't need credit when you call your cousin a tard. Oh, sorry. I forgot everything was about you, my mistake.

shit_that_didnt_happen.txt

>>7179600

back to tumblr

>>7178645

Brother used wet wash cloths to remove a tray of cookies or whatever out of the oven.

>mfw my old roommate used to use our dirty counter as a cutting board.

>>7178665
the inside of eggs are actually sterile, salmonella comes from the shell.

>>7179630
Which means you risk infection regardless of how well you cook the eggs.

Have a friend who said she was making Mac and cheese (Kraft) and for some reason didn't put the colander in the sink before draining the noodles

poured the pot out right on the kitchen counter

thankfully the good Lord made her pretty

>>7179623
I do this a lot. Why is that stupid?

>>7179633

Shells are washed when the eggs are processed, if you live in the first world the chances of getting salmonella are fucking zero.

>>7178981
don't those erode when they get wet?

>>7179640
What?

>>7179642
Don't the granite cooktops get permanent watermarks if you ever forget to wipe them down? Or was that one of the other ones?

>>7179623
You obviously don't cook.
I always do that, why would you go out of your way to grab an oven mit when you have a dirty wash cloth in front of you?

>>7178645
In high school, at a house party after most people had left, I saw a buddy of mine getting a handjob from a dude who went to a different school.

It has nothing to do with cooking but it was in a kitchen. I never told anyone but I laughed at him for weeks over it.

>>7179270
I often wonder the same thing myself, most eggs in the US are pasteurized and mashed potato with egg yolk is delicious.
The retardation on this board is overwhelming, yet i still lurk frequently.

>>7179660
How is that stupid, though. He got his nut off at a party, like you're supposed to do at parties. Did you get YOUR nut off?

>>7179663
>most eggs in the US are pasteurized
No, they aren't.

>>7179125
this

>>7179683
Well he has a wife and a 2 year old daughter now. I think I'm the only one besides he and the dude who has knowledge of this awesome gay experience of his.

>>7179687
Huh. You're right. It's only one company who can legally pasteurize eggs in-shell. I really hate patent law.

>>7179695
Okay? Why is it a big deal to you? Those years are the ones that you're supposed to get your experimentation done in. Well, college if you're a pussy.

>>7179704
I don't know if he got his nut off. I didin't stick around and watch or anything. I just laughed at him. I hope he didn't spooge on the ktichen floor and if he did I hope he cleaned it up.
It'd be rude not to clean it up.

>>7179695

handjobs dont count

>>7179715
i tend to agree. if no fluids were exchanged between the two, that is to say if his spooge just went on the floor untouched by the other guy, then it doesn't count. unless they kissed at any time. that would count.

>>7178668

> grandma
> he

>>7179636
>>7179653

My dad meticulously peels garlic and THEN hits it with the flat of the blade.

>>7178683
So she didn't fail to boil water. She just failed to do anything after it was boiling.

>>7178645
>at university, in residence with shared kitchen
>one person decides to make pasta
>boils unsalted water
>throws pasta in for like fifteen minutes
>dumps in a jar of Alfredo sauce. Without draining the water.
>chops a hotdog and adds that

I was shocked. Said person had a few other horrific cooking incidents but that one really stood out.

>>7179890

You must be really sheltered if you think grabbing onto something hot with a wet cloth for not even 5 seconds is going to be dangerous. Live a little.

>>7178981
>granite
>not butchers block

>>7178674
That man? Albert Einstein

>>7178665

The stupid person in this story is you, right?

>raw eggs
>food poisoning

Yeah, in the 1950s maybe.

>>7180683
Any egg produced on a farm that sources its feed from Africa carries some risk of it.

>>7180693

I don't know how it works in the US, but here in glorious bongland chickens are vaccinated for salmonella. There hasn't been a case that can be traced back to a kitemarked egg in something like a decade, the last time they did testing they didn't find a single contaminated egg in something like thirty thousand. You're more likely to be struck by lightning than get salmonella from an egg.

>>7180709
>vaccinated for salmonella
man are you serious? salmonella is only a thing because chicken shit isn't disposed of properly. smart thinking, let's just vaccinate all the chickens instead of actually cleaning up after ourselves! thanks for the super salmonella, bongland!

>>7180742

Well, the vaccination program has eradicated salmonella from british eggs, so it looks like a success to me.

>1966
>WHO starts a campaign to eradicate smallpox through vaccination
>2015
>Thanks for the super smallpox, WHO!

>>7178645
>mom's making a crockpot pork stew/roast
>Normally just add all the root vegetables and meat at same time, then add soft veggies and gravy powder For whatever meat at the end
>almost ready, just need gravy
>pulls out poultry gravy mix
Mom no that's for chicken, turkey, etc.
>no anon pork is poultry
Argue with her while she adds it
>puts gravy back into stew to let it thicken
>goes online to try and prove me wrong
Oh I'm sorry, you were right, but it'll taste fine anyway
>she's pissed when I don't eat any
you're brother loves it, just try (no shit he loves it his favorite restaurant is Golden Corral)
Does shit like this all the time.

>>7180800

>gravy powder
>idiot mother
>refuse to eat it

This is bait, right?

>>7180805
No I didn't say she was an "idiot mother" you fucktard. Don't understand how you're confusing it for bait either.

I told my roommate about how I've been cutting my eggs into quarters and seasoning each one differently every day, and how I'm going to become a spice master by the end of the month, and he said it was dumb and that I wouldn't learn anything from it. Needless to say, we're not roommates anymore.

>>7178723
whoz thiz zemen limon

>>7180819
Read the thread, faggot.

>>7180814

I might have just accepted it as /ck/ish snobbery if you'd refused to eat it because gravy powder is for plebs, but the refusing to eat it because she used the wrong sachet of salt, MSG, and soy products is what made me assume it must be bait.

Also, she's an idiot because she thought pork comes from a kind of bird.

>>7178952

Are you the son of King Jack?

>>7178665
Raw eggs are fine unless you live africa or some shit

>>7180869
>implying glorious King Ja/ck/ would make such a rookie mistake
>implying his biscuits and gravy wouldn't be beautiful

>>7180824
what post ,where ??
iv read it
and i wish i was a faggot

>>7178665
I put egg in my mash if it's on top of a pie and going in the oven to help it brown up, can't see it making a noticeable difference in just mashed potato though. Wouldn't not eat it though, fag

>>7180953
>mashed potatoes on top of pie
Who the fuck does this

>>7180968

>>7180968
Cottage pie, shepherd's pie, fish pie

>>7180968
Shepherds pie is awesome.

>>7180968
retard.

>>7179890
>i_dont_have_an_argument_please_let_me_have_this.jpg

>>7180968
Hachis Parmentier
sale batard de yankee

>>7178645
down up at my workzone (a restaurant up at which I waiter at) I was waitering at a table and one client ordered itself a drink with ice inside of it and the chef cooked him up a soda drink but with ice's cream inside of itself instead of iced cubes !!!

>>7181010

>>7181010
I'm not familiar with this dialect. Could be an imperial code.

>>7181049
which part didnt u undersand? I waiter 2 a workzone as a job and that was the stupidest thing of myself personally as I had to witness while waitering at a table what wanted iced cubes of water but got itself an ice's cream 2 itself instead . What dont u get?

>>7181051
disregard that. cocks i do suck.

>>7178645
Lot of the shit I see is not as stupid as they are mistakes because of lack of experience or any interest in cooking whatsoever
Roommate always throws his meat/chicken to a cold pan
Dad 'seasons' chicken breasts by just kinda piling bunch of spices on top of the breast and then he throws them in oven until they are dry as fuck

Both do dumb shit all the time in the kitchen can't really recall all of the stuff right now.

>>7181058
I will slice ur skin rite off ur fase!!

I workout with lifting waits every afternoon and also can lift 100lbs rite up over my own head so I will slice ur fase off if u step 2 me.

Come 2 my workzone and I will slice ur fase off!!

>>7181051
Just about the entire damn thing, you Mongoloid.

>>7181063
Say that to my face, not online, and see what happens, fucker.

>>7181063
oops. i said 'fase' but i meant 'pants'. i will slice ur pants off so i can suck ur dick and swallow ur cum.

>>7181069
bich u aint vlain so do a stop 2 posting as vlain!

I WILL SLISE UR FASE UP WITH A BLADES!

I WILL TAKE A BLADE FROM MY WORKTRUCK AND SLISE UR FASE OFF WITH IT USING IT THE |BLADE 2 SLISe U UP HARD!!!

I will cut u HARD!

>>7181072
FUCKYOU
U
C
K
Y
O
U

>>7181074
I will and when I am done ill swallow ur cum

>>7181077
MODERATION REQUEST
status: SUBMITTED
detail: False vlains
penality: eternal removal

i like to suck cock

Cum to bed, Vlain. My dick is getting cold!

hello i'm Vlain

my son , i present you Tyron
your new dad

i dindu nuffin

this fucking thread

>>7181088
MODERATION REQUEST
status: SUBMITTED
detail: False vlains
penality: eteranal removal

>>7181107
ya blew it, kiddo.

just like you blew your dad.

>>7181098
hello i'm Vlain and i approve this message
VLAIN2016

>>7181106

I was a disher and a chef grabbed a bread bowl out of an oven with bare hands on a dare.

burned his hands
dropped the bread
had to remake it
customer was pissed
server was pissed
we all laughed at him
jews did 9/11

>>7181111
lord of the quads
my god

>>7178665
>salmonella.

>as a child always licked the cookie batter off spoons
>mom would forbid this because salmuhnellers
>ignore her, eat it anyway
>never got sick
>continually eat things with raw egg in them
>never get sick

You are the meme.

Funny how homelaid eggs don't have salmonella ever, but the factory processed "cleaned, sanitized" and whatever the hell else they do, pasteurized or whatever, and those eggs are the ones that make people sick. Funny, that. I mean, I eat them too because can't have chickens in a rental, but if it's literally worse how is it safer? And stop being a faggot more picky than a little girl.

>>7179322

>not aborting tards before they're born

Your aunt is a tard, too.

>>7179638

Washing the shell makes the egg go bad faster, actually. And some water doesn't sterilize anything. If you wanted to remove slamuhnellers from a shell you'd have to use water hot enough that it would start cooking the egg. Or you could use a chemical sterilizer like diluted bleach and poison yourself. washing is a placebo.

>>7179645

>solid rock
>being damaged by a water puddle for one night

>>7180414

My dad does this, too. It wasn't until I watched a youtube of some chinese guy cooking that I learned the proper way. Takes literally two seconds to peel garlic.

>>7180742

>doesn't know the difference between a vaccine and an antibiotic

>>7181142
Factory eggs suck because chickens are stored like this, dipshit. The contamination risk is nontrivial.

>>7178645

>>7181409
wth dude
enjoy your ban

>>7181409
same thing happened to me

This new prep cook just started at my work, and he sucks ass at everything. He was making some cheese dip and destroyed a pot in the process. The recipe says to deglaze the pot for a few minutes with 3 OUNCES of water. So this guy puts in 3 FUCKING LITRES of water, then "deglazes" it for about an hour before someone noticed. And supposedly he has 15 years more experience than everyone else there.

>>7181434

>>7181437

>>7181439

>>7181409
I didn't know asparagus grew like that

>>7178674
>epic random stoner munchies

I hate stoners they fucking ruin everything.
LMAO BECAUSE WEED BRO

>>7180742
>>7180742
>man are you serious?

>>7178645
A guy who was at a party we were having got drunk and left, we all went to sleep to hear the smoke detector going off. Apparently someone forgot to lock the door after the party and he let himself back in and helped himself to the freezer.

He took a tv dinner out and tried to cook it, in its plastic container and all on the stove, which of course melted and burned.

Oh did I mention a microwave was in the kitchen?

>>7178901
broken glass and *liquid* honey

just like you promised

>>7181536
pic unrelated, I hope.

>>7179099

Good work anon, I laughed much harder than I should have.

Last Christmas I watched my grandfather go to the kitchen and drop three huge cubes of ice into a glass of Lagavulin 16.

He's getting a $10 gift card this year.

>>7178657
Sysco acquired US Foods I think. Or at least in my town Sysco now has a monopoly because they bought out US Foods business here.

>>7181010
Pardon me?

>>7181111

>>7179663
>most eggs in the US are pasteurized
>eggs
>pasteurized


yes all my eggs here in the US come softboiled straight from the supermarket

>>7181755
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pasteurized_eggs

Not all eggs are pasteurized, tho. However, in NA, all eggs have to be washed and I think there's a treatment done to the egg shells (UV, maybe?). Washing makes the eggs look nicer and reduces the risk of salmonella. However, they don't keep as long as EU eggs because the antibacterial coating of the eggs comes off during washing. It's also why we keep our eggs in the fridge while in the EU you never find them chilled.

>>7178645
Who are these chicks and where can I see dem titties?

Roommate while in the arm set a lodge cast iron pan on fire and ruined it. When he finally got the pan fire extinguished. The fire had oxidized the pan like it spent decades exposed to salt water and air.

>>7181010
the absolute madman !!!!

>>7181063
Since when is a 100lb c&j impressive

>>7181913
I really, really like this image.

>>7181913
>ask for a picture of asparagus
>she sends me this
>she always has to be in photos she takes
>literally ugh

>>7181918
You can download it if you want to

>>7179600
TRIGGERED

>>7181608
What's wrong with anon's pic and why do you hope his post is unrelated?

>>7181940
>double-boiling with a glass bowl

>>7181946
>Glass exploding at 200 degrees

>>7181950
>he thinks the heat is the problem

stay in school friendo. Or better yet, feel free to provee us wrong

>>7181957
Please elaborate so I can publicly shame you for being an idiot.

>>7181959
Thermal shock.

>>7181959
pressure, dumbass. the water gets sealed in and the pressure rises

>>7181967
Nigga, why are you throwing your bowl into an ice bath after melting your chocolate?

>>7181971
Take another look, numbnuts. The pot has a lip meaning there's no seal.

>>7181971
steam constantly escapes
>>7181967
it shouldn't be that hot

I'm not the guy you were fighting with, but I've used glass bowls for a double boiler dozens of times

>>7181972
>>7181979
I'll give you that, but glass is still less efficient at conducting heat than metal bowls.

>>7178923
>Same kid used a cake spatula to cut a pork loin
I ain't even mad, I'm impressed.
That must have been some mighty tender and juicy pork.

I had a roommate who got home from the bars at 2am, decided he was hungry, threw a steak in a pan and promptly fell drunk asleep. By the time the smoke alarm woke me up, there was a 3 foot column of flame coming from the pan with a carbonized steak at the bottom.

My roomate decided to make kraft mac and cheese one day. He put the pasta in the pot without boiling the water and I asked what the fuck he was doing. He was like oops I don't know how to cook so I told him to just follow the box instructions. So he waits for the water to boil then starts stirring in the milk butter and cheese powder.

I had to teach my roommate in college how to use a can opener and heat canned soup.

Another one was in the middle of studying and put on some pasta in water and got so caught up in studying that all the water boiled away and the pasta started burning.

>>7181445

>>7178645
Working the line in a fine dining restaurant
Kid on garde manger had been there a year but was too dumb to ever advance
He's plating a dessert & grabs the squirting bottle of chocolate sauce
Not chocolate
He was putting balsamic vinegar glaze on his dessert plates all night....

>>7181985
Either that or they fucking shredded it and destroyed it by hacking away at it with a spatula.

>>7180800
you are the idiot in this story. you can combine all types of meat with all types of gravy. nothing wrong here and poultry gravy is the one thing that goes really with anything.

>>7180462

>>7179264
What was the end result? Tuna jerky?

>>7179600
Tumblr called, said they miss you

>>7182138
By all meant enjoy you're chicken gravy with beef, I won't stop, but in a house with 3 meat eaters and one vegetarian, the vegetarian could have just waited and let me show her the gravy mix that the people who eat meat like.

>>7181111

HOLY SHIT

>>7178645
Put pasta in the water before it came to a boil then bitch at me for not being cooked well.

>Visiting Grandparents last weekend
>They were never good cooks
>Grandfather was especially bad
>Very poor recipes generally
>For some reason they have old person arrogance and think their cooking is the best shit ever
>grandpa tells me he is making 'old style diner burgers' and forces me to go into the kitchen and watch
>reaches into the fridge and pulls out some frozen bread buns, mustard, ketchup
>then reaches into the freezer and takes out some frozen minced meat, 2 carrots, 3 tomatos, and frozen tinned hot dogs
>smashes the tins open and pours out the icey brine juice with the hot dogs then adds the other frozen ingredients
>starts telling me how he met my grandmother in a diner
>is no longer paying attention to what he is doing but somehow manages to use his left hand to clutch a meat hammer and beat all of the mixture into a pulp
>hasn't defrosted yet
>don't really see how this is diner style
>when he starts telling me how my grandmother would bend over in front of him in purpose he bends over in a 'sexy' way exposing his flat old man ass in his slacks
>puts the bowl on the floor as he bends over,accidentally drools into it, laughs and says 'well diners never had the best hygiene'
>picks it up and puts it back on the counter, keeps mashing
>eventually forms the cold pulp into burger patties
>starts frying them in half a bottle of some strange brand of vegetable oil that looks decades old
>the smell is very bad, he keeps talking about how he met my grandmother
>doesn't flip the burgers once so they don't cook evenly on both sides
>tells me it is meant to be like that and that 'he is the burnt side of the burger and my grandmother is the soft and tender side'
>then laughs that my father is the grease that drips off
>and I am the stain left by the grease
>serves the burgers in still cold buns with a single piece of lettuce and baby tomato and mustard and ketchup
>literally worst thing I have ever eaten

>>7178952
>using high heat no matter what they're making.

What's wrong with that? And when do you know what you should cook on low or medium heat?

>>7178645
He had a big chunk of ice and decided to try to use brute force to get it into a glass it was too big for. I would have stopped him but I didn't realize his plan until it was too late. Needless to say, the glass shattered and he cut his hand open.

>>7180477
Dude it steams your hand you tard.

>>7182664
Sorry but if you don't understand why temperature control is important in stove top cooking then I can't help you

>>7182077
Balsamic glaze is delicious in desserts, maybe not in that case but in general.

>>7182661
I think Gramps wants grandchildren, I'd make some before he cooks for you again.

>>7178645
For two girls that aren't related, they sure look like they are.

>>7181946
Is that a bad idea?

>>7178645
>got the pan out of her hands and properly managed it.
>Burnt the fuck out of my hand

>properly managed
>burnt the fuck out of my hand

>properly managed
>burnt hand

>>7178645
One time I saw somebody enjoy cooking.

I have two microwave sin my ktichen and I suddenly had a craving come upon me for boiled eggs and baked potatoes, and I didn't feel like waiting for the water to boil or the overn to heat so I threw the eggs in one microwave and some taters in the other. I didn't think to shell the eggs or prick the potatoes and needless to say both exploded in the microwave.

>>7182976
Once you're old and dead inside you can just buy one of these.

>>7178645
I knew a girl once who was, hands down, the dumbest bitch I've ever known. She'd go on about how she loves to cook, and she should become a chef. Her version of "cooking" is following directions on a box and occasionally added to it.
>one day she's making her "special" ramen, which is just ramen with veggies added in
>she's chopping a green onion
>cuts all the green stems
>throws out the bulbs
>"wtf are you doing"
>"well that's how they serve them at Taco Bell"

She also thought, and argued, that a yeast infection meant you we're allergic to bread.

>>7181627
Thats what I do.
problem?

I made fried chicken using a recipe for corn dog batter as the coating

It was fucking dumb. The batter turned out great, chicken was amazing, but put together, it was just really large and over the top stupid

Reason I did this was because I was experimenting on finding the way to make my fried chicken like KFC's

I normally use Italian breadcrumbs (breadcrumbs, parmesan, parsley mix) on top of the eggs and flour, but it doesn't give the same effect as the smooth texture if KFC style fried chicken

Don't get me wrong, I do t like or go to KFC, I just want to emulate the texture of the breading

My old roomie made tacos with 1 part mince meat, 1 part tex mex. Shit was foul. It was the only thing they could cook too.

I once had an autistic roommate in college. One of the first meals I saw him cook, this is what he did.

He took out a saucepan, fired up the stove, and threw some shredded potatoes in. Cool, hashbrowns, I thought.
Next he added some onions. Mmmm, just like Waffle House.
Then, it was the garlic powder. A little much for my taste, but, eh, he's from New York, he must eat a lot of Italian, my fragile little mind thought.
Next came the mushrooms, but not in the form you'd expect. No, this was powdered mushrooms he had bought from a local health food store.
This is where things get weird.
Next, came some olives. Then, a can of Chicken of the Sea solid white albacore tuna, right into his olive and mushroom powder hash browns. Then, he cracked a raw egg or three into it. Then, he took a piece of kelp, originally intended for use in sushi, and crumbled it right into his.. pile...

The house smelled like a whore house that sat between a fish market and a rubber factory that was on fire.

>>7183364
>college
>judging a friend or roomate for a hodgepodge meal

I'm going to take a shot in the dark and say you had other problems

>>7183364
that actually sounds tasty and healthy as fuck

>>7183364
Wat fuk

>>7183364
Hey I had an actually autistic roommate in college.

5'4" 90lbs soaking wet with dreams of being a professional MMA fighter. First thing he said after shaking my hand was "I have autism". Did a bunch of other ridiculous shit like coming back from "the bar" in the most animated impression of a drunk you could find in an acting class and all to the tune of "4 Miller Lights"

>>7180447
She failed, it was overlooked.

>>7183395
>5'4" 90lbs soaking wet with dreams of being a professional MMA fighter. First thing he said after shaking my hand was "I have autism". Did a bunch of other ridiculous shit like coming back from "the bar" in the most animated impression of a drunk you could find in an acting class and all to the tune of "4 Miller Lights"
your autist sounds chill as fuck. I lived with one for 2 years during university. total slob, did nothing other than smoke weed alone and play dota2. but I made him cry not long before we moved out and remembering that literally always brings a smile to my face

>>7183512
Far from it. This guy would have 8am classes and sleep through until 10am with his alarm going off every 10 minutes, without fail every single weekdays. He never washed his sheets, or himself. On weekends he'd sleep until 2pm and got upset with me for turning on a lamp at 1:00pm. It was his lamp but we both used it, the next day the lamp was hidden away behind all of his dirty clothes under his bed.

>>7181487
>I hate stoners they fucking ruin everything.
i like to think that most people ruin everything.

>>7181051
I didn't know Mr. Saturn got internet over in Eagleland.

>>7183514

Not even.

>be from Montana where 6 AM means 6 AM
>have to wake up with this stupid alarm clock

I took it and slammed it on the floor.

God forbid that nobdoy know what the fuck goes on in Wisconsin.

>>7181783
The fuck you talking about? Eggs are stored in the fridge in Europe, at least where I live and where I've visited.

>>7182820
Why does /ck/ get so fucking butthurt when someone offends some family member? Not a guy you replied to, but his gramps sounds like a dick and the dish seems pretty fucking bad. What's wrong with telling the truth?

>>7183440
This is repulsing.

Ive done a few things here, always when drunk.
>making a cocktail, ice ball is way to big for glass, il just tap it in with something random, maybe a spatula, smash
>ohh shit honey is almost empty and some cunt left the bottle upside down, quick micorwave to make it runny, pressure build up, open top and hot honey explosion all oved my cock (i was naked)
>was 12 and used lemon grass as a vegetable
>was 10 and making cake, somehow one cup of sugar became six cups
>drop shit like a knife and use foot to try and catch it
>kimchi has been in the fridge a while, open it up and instant jam nose in, C02 almost knocked me out

>>7183546
welcome to /b thread of cooking m8

>actually autistic roommate

This is where you make sure you damage their reputation until they get out.

This coming from a medical attending. Autistic people are fucking awesome until they start damaging your own place. Absolutely great surgeons, and then what?

>>7183627

Alvin the Autistic.

Dude is the best. Doesn't matter because he can box-out a heart surgery like a genius. I don't give a fuck.

>>7183546
/b/ has been seeping in for a long time, anon.
Retarded snowflakes that get butthurt over random or odd things.

>>7181122
>>7181106
>/ck/ is now /wsg/
Please fuck no

>>7181111
how

>Stirring my coffee one evening
>Dad tells me "you're stirring it like a girl"
>wut
>How would you do it then?
>Takes the spoon and furiously whisks the coffee like a retard

>>7184884
Maybe you shouldn't be such a bitch all the time he's trying to teach you to be a man

>>7184884
Even if you're not gay you should have told him you are to get his reaction.

>>7184929
Anon is refined and sophisticated, the kind of behavior his dad was bestowing upon him is the behavior of peasants and slobs.

>>7179653

I cook all the fucking time. I use dry cloths when pulling shit out of the oven, you disgusting, lazy, mongoloids REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

>>7178645

In high school, I was helping my girlfriend make dinner for us and her family, and she put half a cup of sugar into the sauce for johnny marzetti. Apparently that's the only way her brother and dad would eat it. I was appalled and disgusted.

>>7184929

There isn't a "womanly" way to stir a coffee though. It's an agendered event. Like shitting, or hating Coldplay.

>>7181981
Entire fucking point of using a double boiler. I melt my chocolate sous vide anyway so it doesn't matter which bowl I use.

>>7184884
Why were you stirring coffee?

It's generally a good idea to keep retards likes Dads away from your coffee implements.

My roommate once tried to make lasagna. He browned some beef and proceeded to add some jarred bechamel saus. That's all that was in the lasagna, bechamel saus with ground beef and lasagna sheets. When I asked him where the red sauce was he answered the jar said "sauce for lasagna" so that's what he used. Needles to say it tasted of nothing.

>>7185042
>johnny marzetti.

only place I heard this was in the cafeteria at Northern Michigan University and they say it was named after a boy who died from eating it

>>7185134

>Johnny Marzetti is a Midwestern Italian American pasta dish consisting of noodles, cheese, ground beef, and a tomato sauce that typically includes aromatic vegetables and mushrooms.

It's an Ohio thing. Fucking everybody I know thinks of it as a "home-cooked meal". I can't remember the last time I ate it, and I wouldn't even at gunpoint.

>>7185139

sounds like American goulash which I find mighty tasty

>>7185139
Midwestern, Italian, American...
Fucking flyovers embarrassing both Americans and Italians.

Happened to me today
>Be hungry "I'll boil some eggs."
>Mother leaves and lock the door behind her
>Go into the bathroom to shit and shower
>BOOM BOOM BOOM
>"Shit, I think someone's breaking in."
>Open bathroom door, booming stops, get up from shit and walk out naked
>Go into the kitchen to find one egg in the pot, almost black with yellow and black fluff everywhere
>Turn fire off and immediately throw pot in sink
>Took three washes to clean it
Every time I boil eggs I forget about them

>>7185154
You shouldn't boil eggs. You boil the water, then plop the eggs in for, I think it was 10-12 minutes or so.

>>7185146

I imagine it would be, if anyone ever made it right. Here's the list of things that should be in Johnny Marzetti, but I've never had in JM:

>onion
>celery
>bell peppers
>italian sausage
>spices
>garlic

So essentially it's a pound of elbow macaroni, a pound of undrained cooked ground beef, a can of mushrooms, a can of diced tomatos, a jar of Prego, half a bag of walmart-brand mozzarella, and half a bag of walmart-brand cheddar. It's kind of a poverty dish.

>>7181627
I'd sneer if it was a Laphroaig, but in a Lagavulin it's entirely justified. Soda even.

>>7181978
Even if it hadn't, there's no way that bowl would make airtight contact for glass-exploding pressures.

>>7185208
Lagavulin is objectively a better whisky than Laphroaig, unless you are talking about the 18.

The only reason Laphroaig 10 ever got wildly popular was because it was cheap. Literally the fibrox of whisky. The prices were hyped into the stratosphere by those who weren't sure why it was popular but were pretty sure they needed to buy it to demonstrate their neckbeard cred. And then we have people like you, today, with such opinions.

>>7185163
No.
You put the eggs into cold water, bring it to a boil then take it off the heat. Leave it covered. After ten minutes the eggs will be perfect.

You don't want to put eggs into hot water because the heat differential can crack the eggs.

>>7185216
>Lagavulin is objectively a better whisky than Laphroaig
no
>The only reason Laphroaig 10 ever got wildly popular was because it was cheap.
no
It's because of the intense peaty-burnt poplary-ashy aroma, which no other Islay whisky even tries to emulate.
>And then we have people like you, today, with such opinions.
To each his own. I prefer good whisky at room temp, but find occasional delight in a bit of soda or ice or both.

>>7185252
>I prefer good whisky at room temp,
actually scratch that, I prefer good cognac or nice port over whisky any day. But I have to be social.

>>7178645
I watched a trainee cook plunge her hand into a pot of boiling water. It happened so fast I couldn't react in time.
She later explained that her fake nose ring fell into the pot, and she was going after it.

>>7185273
Put her on the fryer station

>>7185224
I have cooked a lot of eggs, and this happens very rarely. I'd say one out of hundred eggs cracks when placed in boiling water.
Also putting (room temperature!!) eggs into boiling water lets you control cooking time better, resulting in better consistency of target results.

>>7178648
Story please

>>7178667
Was she a sonic employee in training?

>>7183364
People who don't follow recipes shouldn't be allowed in the kitchen.

1)
>My mom boiled some water for about 8 hours and the pot melted into the stove eye

2)
>Be me, dishwashing at 2:45pm on a Friday
>Hear hideous scream
>Look over at 25 y/o heroin addict line cook
>His hand is covered in blood
>He cut off his left pointer finger at the first knuckle
>Watch in horror as he violently throws fingertip across the room towards the trashcan
>Splatters blood everywhere
>Fingertip lands in trashcan full of 10+ gallons of uncooked arancini and other various expired food
>Deranged line cook punches the wall and screams
>He goes out for a cigarette
>Comes back in and looks for the fingertip in the trash
>With bare, ungloved hands
>Proceeds to cut his hand on a metal can in the trash
>Slowly and sadly utters a halfhearted "fuck"
>He gives up after 15 minutes
>Puts cotton balls on the nub and secures with a finger condom
>Goes back to cooking

>>7185357
you should have grabbed the finger
bush league move, bro

>be me
>13 at the time
>had just started smoking pot
>parents gone for a few hours
>decided to smoke a gram to myself
>mm bacon would be good right now, i thought
>make some bacon
>burn it to shit, give to dog and start over
>make another batch, not burnt
>eat it while making more bacon
>burn third batch to shit
>fire alarm going off in house
>think it's the police sirens
>for a good 40 seconds i cry on kitchen floor, convinced police are going to arrest me
>realize it's just the smoke alarm
>open all the doors, air out house
>right about the time I open the last door, mom drives up to house
>pokerface.exe

>>7185375
that was a sad excuse to use the phrase 'bush league'

think before you shitpost, it could save your life

>>7185391

>>7185379
so ur 14 now?

>was 13-14 at the time I think
>neighbor/friend wants to eat kraft dinner
>alright
>proceeds to open the nuclear powder packet and empties it into the still cold water for the pasta

also
>french exchange student roommate cooking
>she burns something, smoke alarm goes off
>get out of my room to check it out
>she's just standing there, looking at the smoke detector wondering what to do about it

Sometimes I wonder how some people can still be able to breathe on their own.

>>7185396
>expecting a serious argument

>m'ad-reveral nauseustic hominemeiamums aren't suitable for your mere retorts

>>7185414

>>7185042
Who or what is Johnny Marzetti? Was he one of the rat pack?

>>7185224
Are you me?

>>7185173
It just sounds like Beefaroni.

>>7185524

See

>>7185139
>>7185173

Have you people never been to a Marzetti's?

i pulled out the heating elements on my stove to clean the drip pans and my roommate worried that i was going to cause a gas leak. we have an electric stove.

>>7185379
>Using drugs at 13
Is this really what our society has become?

>>7186029
I take it you were unpopular?

That's been the trend over almost all of history.

>>7178645
get mad when I try to use vodka to make a sauce and deglaze their pan
even though they just offered me a drink and I'd probably use less vodka deglazing the pan than I would drinking it

hell I wasn't even eating the food, I was just helping them cook

>tfw he just scrubbed all the grease and meat bits out of his pan into the sink

>>7185173
>Marzetti's

That is chop suey described to a t
>ate it off a roach coach every day for a year

I don't know if it counts as "stupid" but once I was in the house of an elderly woman who had a rep for being mental (long story) and I witnessed her put out a cigarette in some cookie batter before just pouring it all over a pan, like she was making a big fucking sheet of cookie bread or something with a fag in it, then put the whole thing in the oven.

I've also witnessed her collecting grass clippings with a tiny pair of scissors from her neighbors in the middle of the night and driving up and down her street back and forth for hours on end, so yea, shes fucking bonkers.

>be at American Friends house
>pours himself a goddamn beverage for every meal

Can't stand that fucking faggot. Do you seriously need a beverage for every meal.

>>7186191
is this a joke?
I always have a drink next to me, I bet you're dehydrated as fuck.

>>7186223
>drinking with food
You sound super gassy, anon.

>>7186253
What are you even trying to say?

>>7185298
If you're doing hard boiled, just letting it come to boil with the eggs in and then turning the heat off is perfect every time. The water cools down before it can overcook them.

>>7186264
That having a drink immediately alongside your solid foods is a great way to accumulate air in your gut.

>>7186223
Fucking pleb, I drink a beverage after my meal. Why the fuck would I want to spoil the ambiance and symphony of flavors in my mouth during a meal by washing it down with brain rotting sugary drinks? I wish I could spare you a chromosome.

>>7186276
>eating bread
>my mouth is so dry
>but I better not drink any water that would be uncouth and cause me to have to quietly burp

>>7186278
Can you please point out where anyone mentioned having anything sugary. I said a drink, water is a drink retard.

>Why the fuck would I want to spoil the ambiance
Do you even know what that word means? It spoils the character of the place you're eating the meal in to take a drink of water? Confirmed retard.

>>7186044

Yeah, if you're a nigger or a welfare recipient. Only degenerates smoke pot at age 13.

>>7186293

>>7186291
Simply eating bread makes your mouth feel "so dry," and you think other people sound dehydrated?

>>7186278
so it's okay to drink brain rotting sugary drinks after you've eaten? you make no sense.

>>7186300
>hurr I never drink any water and my mouth is always perfectly hydrated I can't believe these fucking stupid plebs would ever want to drink water with their meal that's so fucking inferior and honestly it's an affront to my vastly superior intellectual intelligence. I couldn't care less if every single person who drinks anything with a meal died right this second. Stupid plebs don't deserve a spot in my symphony of flavors.

You're a lying cunt if you say your mouth has never gotten dry while eating. Unless you're an Indian or some other ethnicity that eats watery food for every meal.

>>7186291
Ambience can be interpreted however you've learnt it. It's not my fault that your database of references to a specific expression is limited. It would be pointless for me to explain the true meaning of what I meant to someone who correlates ambience with surroundings. "Character of the place" Either you're a TRUE retard or an epic troll.
Also, why would I need to point out anything about sugary drinks when sugary drinks are the primare source of life where you come from? End your life you degenerate plebeian.

>>7186314
>X can be interpreted however you've learnt it.
First of all it's learned. Secondly, that's literally not how words work. They have definitions, this specific definition is

Ambiance: noun
>the character and atmosphere of a place.

You can't just run off and say "I never learned the meaning so I'm gonna pretend that I used it correctly and I'm just more civilized than you"

Also nice sweeping generalization you inbred fuck. I never said I was American or that I drink soda.

>>7185071
kek'd

>>7178683
Done something similar myself, shamefully.

>was drunk
>boiling water in small sauce/frying pan
>why?.jpg
>ceramic lined - was perfect for small-batch stir fry & eggs
>water boils off while my dumbass gets distracted
>hear 'popping' sounds
>realize my shit and run over to range
>pan is practically red hot, dry af, ceramic de-laminating
>turn gas off, scared to touch it that a slight temp change/movement might make it explode in my face
>feel lucky I didn't drunkenly gas myself on accident
>3/10 night, may I act genuinely

>>7183540
He's generally right.

>>7186313
You seem very sensitive about your drinking habits.

>>7186531
I actually just like arguing with you assholes

This thread taught me that most posters here don't know anything about cooking. Not a big surprise though but it'd pretty pathetic

>>7183440
Looks like a creampied pussy

>>7178645

Myself trying to fold a burrito.
It always has too many ingredients, so it always rips and overflows while folding.

>>7180497
> butcher's block
> not end grain ebony

Fail a calc 1 test

>>7186751
A burrito with too much stuff to completely fold is simply a taco. Don't force it, man.

>>7186564
Keep in mind they kept "Food" in front of "Cooking"

>>7178645
i was making chicken and dumplings in a crockpot and my friend dropped a rubber band ball he was playing with in it after it had been kicked around the house for 2 years.

seen someone struggle making scrambled eggs because she did a horrible job of cracking each egg. she found an easier way which was to throw the eggs into the bowl and let it smash open and then pick out all the tiny pieces of shell from there.

>>7178645
I had a drunk friend do this. I know its hard to believe but it really happened:

>friend wants to make fozen pizza
>ofen is broken
>gets pot with leftover noodels in it and puts it the lid on upside down os it creates a pan like surface
>puts pizza on the lid, pot on the stove, turns it on MAX
>noodles burn pizza thaws
>decide its time for the other side
>scrapes off all the toippings, flips the pizza puts toppings back on the wrong side of the pizza
>smoke is now coming out of the pot
>falls asleep

no one can top this

>>7181642
nah the deal went south. us foods was gonna sell some us foods houses to pfg, but i dont think that happened either

>>7185139
>"home-cooked meal".
Is it like or similar to Cracker Barrel?

>>7180819
Lorena B

>>7178645
Defrost bread in the microwave before toasting it

>>7179113
>washing up liquid

>>7188539
they really call it that though

>>7188550
thats why its funny

>>7188573
yeah

>>7179099
>tfw no harem of qt's to make deep fried oreos with

>>7186297
How poor were you?

>>7188750
>replying to a post from 21 hours ago
>expecting them to still be in the thread
Upper middle class though

>>7188769
Your parents failed.

>>7186314
Dumbest post in thread, really.

I also drink water with every meal. I find it refreshing, helps clear my palate and even plays into the pace at which I'm eating. I like taking my time, eating slowly and sipping. Sometimes I'll also have a glass of wine with dinner. Never been a cause for bloated/gassy feelings. If you can't eat and drink water comfortably at the same time you should consult a gastroenterologist.

Never drink soda or juice. Am from Burgerstan.

>>7188796
Did you own a home at 20? Assuming you're not some RAZEbabby highschool freshman, of course.

>>7181010
>>7181051
I am new to ck, the kekposting here is my favorite tho.

>>7178665
hahaha faggot

>>7180462

>>7185173
My parents used to make this, most the time without the cheese though. Called it "American Chop Suey", even though it's nothing like chop suey. It's so bland that it's actually gross. The worst part is that we were never even poor, they just liked eating that shit. Fucking baby boomers and their ghetto food shit.

>>7182800
wow... you sure are a little bitch boy

>>7186278
So you wish you had downs syndrome?