/ck/ - Food & Cooking

>drinking and making eggs
>using fork to scramble
>beer in one hand fork in the other
>rest beer in the fork hand to answer a text
>take a drink of bee-
>stab self in the fucking eye with the fork
>drop phone, drop fork, drop beer
>arm hits pan
>drop eggs on bare feet
>slip on grease and wonder when my life starting going so wrong

>not posting kevinchili.jpg

>>6996301
1. I made some salsa with chile peppers in a blender, it turned out great, but then I made a drink in the blender forgetting to have cleaned it out properly and the drink tasted like chile peppers. At least my GF at the time had a sense of humor and we had a good laugh about it.

2. Almost a fuck up, first Thanksgiving turkey I made, I forgot to take the bag of giblets out of the turkey but caught that after about a 1/2 hour of it being in the oven so they weren't even warm yet. That turkey came out great, not bad for a first try if I say so myself.

3. Frying food in only my underwear and a bit of water blew up in some hot oil right onto my chest, that scar took a couple months to heal up.

My GF asked me what that scar was and I told her ice, she thought I meant some kind of weird drug, I gave her a really nasty look for that one and being even stupider than I was for getting the burn in the first place.

4. Random spills and shit

>>6996301
how in the world did that crock pot flip over??

Put a couple bagel bites in my microwave, left it in for the amount of time listed in the instructions, went back to the microwave, and it just looked weird. Opened the door and it started billowing out smoke, those bagel bites turned to coal in only a couple minutes.

It took a few days for the burnt smoke smell to clear out of my apartment and cleaning the microwave took a while. I'm glad the fire alarm in there didn't go off, I brought a bath towel in and was waving it around the fire alarm to prevent it from going off. It's was like 330 AM or so and a fire alarm going off would have been a real pain in the ass.

>everyone posting longass boring shit stories

I'm just gonna say I dropped a huge glass jar of honey in the kitchen. Went under the fridge and everything.

the only time i really fucked up was trying to make pancakes with bread flower.

>>6996319

>>6996301
I really don't have much cooking experience. I come here to learn, for food porn, and sometimes to decide want I want to eat. But one of the few times I did try cooking.

>every Thanksgiving, family goes to Maryland where more family lives and we always have an amazing dinner
>one year (like a year after graduating high school), I decide I want to host my own Thanksgiving for my friends
>mom instructs me to cook the turkey in a roaster
>fucking thing must've been broken or something because I set it to the right temp and cooked it forever and most of the turkey still didn't cook.
We just didn't eat a lot of it. Everything else was pretty alright and my friends all thought it was really sweet, although they make fun of me for it.

>>6996301
why she mad her pot of boiling Prego went 2 waste

>>6996364
>boiling Prego

>>6996332
Suspicion points towards the cat

I'm hesitating between Absinthe Fire Column and Diesel Skillet.

Okay, let's go with Diesel Skillet.

Left some oil on the skillet, to heat while I'm chopping other ingredients. Forgot about it for a while. When I turned to the pan, I saw intense smoke rising.

Not really knowing what to do, I grabbed the pan and moved it under the tap, to cool it with water. (yea, now I know.)

As I poured water in, it began boiling, sprinkling droplets of overheated oil everywhere. To prevent having whole kitchen coated with oil, I grabbed the cover and moved in to cover the skillet.

A mist of tiny, hot oil droplets. Fresh air and increased pressure as the cover rapidly pressed down. That's the preconditions for the diesel reaction.

Boom.

The cover still in my hand was lifted good half a meter up as flames of explosion flew out.

Luckily there were no other damages than some thorough cleaning...

Also, a word of advice.

You know well, that after using the bathroom, you should wash your hands before returning to cooking, right?

Well, if you're working with chillies, add thorough washing of your hands BEFORE using the bathroom.

ow... ...great balls of fire...

>>6996393
Quite lucky the bowl and the cover of the crock pot survived.

>>6996301
One time i was making cannabis butter for some cookies, and i had mixed the weed (about an ounce worth) with the butter and left it overnight to steep. the next day i melted the butter so i could strain out the weed. i instinctively bring the pot of butter and a sieve to the sink and just tip the whole pot into the sieve without putting another vessel below it and all the butter just went straight down the sink.

this is why you dont smoke beforehand.

-I had one of those smooth ceramic stovetops and decided it was time to make a giant fucking pot of chili. I still don't know to this day if it was the type of pot I used or what but after about 2 houts I hear a sound like someone walking across thin ice and discover the entire stove top and shattered under the pot. Those fuckers are like $700.

-Then there was the time I moved and in a moment of pure unadulterated genius took a handful of pencils and threw them in the toaster oven making sure to remember to take them out later. I didn't. Everything that came out of that fucker tasted like burnt pencil. Into the trash it goes.

>>6996409
Washing your hands isn't enough. You also have to wait 8 hours for everything to rub off.

Incidentally, my biggest fuckup is masturbating about an hour after I chopped up some jalapenos.

>>6996402
>Absinthe Fire Column

pls continue

>>6996324
tis a pretty good show
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMGK61Jqq3c

>>6996419
I was preparing homemade, genuine absinthe. It was the second batch; the first, a couple months before had gone without a hitch, so I had the basic experience. 24 herbs (a set purchased from a herb trader), some 3 liters of spirit, maceration for a week, then time comes when you distill it, leaving the bitter tannin in, and separating the spirit with all the aromatic oils and thujone. (then another 3 days of maceration with some more herbs follows).

So I prepared the whole apparatus for distillation. A laboratory quality condenser, a 5-liter flask (for homebrewing wine) with the macerate, the flask goes into a big pot of water to keep the temperature right, there is a hose from the tap to the condenser, and another back into the sink for cooling water, then a cup for collecting the distilled absinthe...

I set everything up and started the process. But unlike before, it just wouldn't start. The first batch would simmer gently, and there would be the distillate dripping at a constant pace. Here, barely any bubbles would appear while the water in the pot was brought to boil.

I recalled some chemistry book, about "overheating liquids", that you need some porous material to trigger boiling if the liquid being boiled is too pure to trigger it by itself. I found an old porcelain mount for a bulb, smashed it with a hammer, picked the shards. I uncorked the flask with the macerate and poured the shards in.

A mistake. I should have cooled the macerate first.

>>6996430

Well, it worked all too well. The barely diluted spirit at nearly 100C would need to boil enough to drop in temperature to some 83C or so of its boiling point.

First, it bubbled up rapidly, like shaken soda, then it began sprinkling all around. Then it caught fire from the stove.

The rapidly boiling flask was still ejecting evaporated ethanol at rapid pace. It formed a column of fire good two meters tall, looking like exhaust from a rocket engine.

Did I mention wooden ceiling and wooden hood over the stove?

I ripped the hose from the tap, pushed my finger to it, opened it and directed the stream of water at the fire covering the countertops, the wooden hood, the walls, the stove. Luckily I didn't direct it at the flask, because if it broke from thermal shock, it would have released the remaining spirit into still boiling water. The fire on the bottleneck went off, I still had to use a towel to put out the fire from spirit that leaked behind the microwave, moving it to the front, and a dozen smaller fires I didn't put out with water, or that had reignited.

Well, at least now the macerate was bubbling nicely, and even though I lost about half of it, I still got to finish and produce some good absinthe, after a lengthy break to wipe all the spirit from all the surfaces around...

>>6996301
Reach for cayenne, grab cinnamon instead.
I've done this a few times.

>>6996430
Holy crap, man. Duly noted for my future preservation.

>Fry shrimps
>read somewhere that lemon juice combined with shrimp is good
>while deep frying them put lemon juice
>end up cleaning my kitchen for 2 hours afterwards

>>6996301
>set old pan on stove as a kid, start to heat up water for hot chocolate or something
>it's copper bottomed, but it just looks grey inside and out
>walk away, forget
>upwards of three, maybe even way more hours later mom gets home, goes to kitchen
>get screamed at for what feels like years
>the pan has like a greyish sediment on the bottom, inside and out
>she gives me an ice pick and I chip away at it and scrub it for days
>finally it's done and it's actually copper colored again, looks brand new
I still don't know what made the pan do that, and if I just burned off particles it had absorbed over the years, or if I ruined a nonstick layer or something. Thing gets hot faster than ever now, fastest heating pan I've ever used.

>>6996451
Nice copper poisoning there.
Copper pans are very good at heat conduction, but they are coated with tin or other health-neutral metal on the food-contact surfaces to prevent copper binding with your food. It's not deadly, but it can cause health problems in the long run.

My homemade potato wedges ended up mashed potatoes by way of explosion.

>>6996456
....fuck

>frozen ground beef
>need to use it in 30 minutes, no time to defrost normally
>remember that the microwave has a defrost setting
>stick it in the microwave
>defrost
>come back later
>remember that I should have pressed the defrost button
>fully cooked plate of ground beef

>>6996430
>>6996437

>Distilling in the kitchen

why

>>6996478

Just throw it in a pan ya dingus

>>6996486
I wanted to make burgers.

>>6996484
that's where the stove is. Plus it's not distilling the mash into moonshine, it's distilling spirit->spirit, to remove tannin.

>>6996500

Yeah but considering your own safety bunsen burner on a more fire-safe material than wood could be a thing to look into

>>6996503
don't have the burner. The kitchen has tiled floor, so a spill would be much safer; the only other viable place was bathroom, and there's a plenty of cloth/fabric items in there. I expected there could be *some* fire, and kept the immediate vicinity safe, but I didn't expect that much fire!

>>6996301
Liver and onions. Literally tasted like cat food (the wet stuff that comes in a can).

>>6996430
>>6996437
I remember reading this before.
Good story which could have ended much worse.

>>6996661
I must save it into a pasta instead of typing anew every time...

>>6996451
>>6996456
>>6996475
True.

Ever wonder why all those old poets and writers and shit went crazy from drinking alcohol (absinthe especially, and im willing to bet much food and medicines and shit were prepared using copper pots and such as well)? Because the shit was made with copper back in the day. There were particles of copper in it, and over many years it had basically rotted their brain. Edgar Allen Poe was definitely a victim of this.

Throw that shit out and get to a doctor man, explain to them whats transpired and pray youve stopped soon enough.

>>6996372
Eh it's leather, good 15 minutes of cleaning and you'll never know it was even spilled

>>6996319
Do you laugh at yourself when recalling this now? I have to let you know that your story made my day.

>>6996675

Actually, you could try coating it yourself. It's not that hard. Get lead-free tin from electronic parts store. Polish the pan to perfect shine. Heat the shit out of it, add the tin, letting it melt, tilt until it's coated evenly. Repeat every couple years of use.

Back in the day, sometime before IIWW, that was a job of traveling gypsies in Europe. They'd arrive at a town or a village, and provide various services, including applying a new coat of tin on copper pots, a market of service too small for any permanent workshop but good enough for a traveling bunch visiting every couple years.

I spent a month in the USA a few years ago.

>>6996478
The only one I laughed at

>be 14 and home alone
>there's a huge pot of soup in the fridge, at least 5 liters
>instead of heating a portion of it, decide to put the whole thing on the stove
>go play some video games
>friend calls and says he's going to see a movie, if I make it in ten minute I could join
>completely forget about the soup and run out of the house
>halfway through the movie get numerous calls from mom and dad
>won't pick up because I'm watching Lucky Number Slevin
>get home
>there's a firetruck in front of house
>everything smells of gas (gas stove)
>kitchen is burnt black
>mom and dad are just sitting in the living room with sour faces, not saying anything

>>6996301
What a useless bitch. She can't cook or clean? Worthless as a woman, hopeless as a wife.

Simmered fish soup with vegetables for an hour and the vegetables turned to mush in your mouth. Fish was overcooked as well.

>>6996301
Story time. This hapenned with my girlfriend, who's very keen on learning how to cook. I don't know how to cook, that's why I lurk /ck

>"Hey, Anon, I'm going to fry some milanese"
>"Sure, go ahead. My kitchen is yours."
>She gets a pan, dumps a shit ton of oil and heats it over the stove.
>Go get two milanese (i don't know the plural form, in spanish it's just milanesas) from the freezer, dump one in the pan
>FUCKING COLUMN OF FIRE STRAIGHT OUTTA THE PAN
>I'm not exaggerating, it reaches the fucking ceiling.
>My legs are shaking, about to run to go get the phone and call the firemen
>suddenly, no more fire
>My girlfriend somehow didn't get hurt even tho she was right in front of it. her hair is there, her eyebrows are there. good.
>we don't want to eat anything anymore. she goes to her house.
>MFW the kitchen's ceiling now has a big black mark above the stove
>Other day "Anon, it's lunch time, what do you want me to cook?"
>"... let's eat out."

One time when I still lived with my family my sister was going to fry up some chicken. She was preheating the oil and left a lid on top of the pan. The second she lifted the lid the whole pan caught fire.

>>6996319
Damnit I'm in work, now I have to tell my coworker why I'm laughing

>>6996301
>First time I ever made wings
>Spend all day making dad's secret sauce
>Time to cook the wings
>Wait half an hour for the deep fryer to heat up
>Dad says "Now, only put in one at a time"
>OK
>Put it one
>It fizzles
>Put it another
>It fizzles
>Put in another 3 more times
>Suddenly the grease starts to rise
>The oil bubbles up and out onto the counter and floor
>Dogs come running towards the still oozing grease and get burned but keep lapping it up anyway
>Dad just stands there shaking his head
>Mom freaks out and says "DON'T JUST STAND THERE! MOP IT UP!"
>The grease continues to flow until the deep fryer is half empty
>Spend the next 40 minutes mopping up grease
>It got into every crevice of the cupboard below and the baking stuff is also covered in grease
>We didn't have anymore vegetable oil, so we had to wait another 40 minutes for the Crisco to melt
>Dad is telling me this isn't as bad as the time that he burned down his kitchen in college doing the same thing
>T-thanks

>>6996821
a classic case of the blind leading the blind

>>6996301
>>6996301
>Destiny prevent my family to make caramel
>Fuck it, i'm doing it anyway
>Start searching for a caramel based candies recipe
>Find one and get to work
>Doing well
>Use an ancient but great plastic-ish thermoresistant whisk
>Keep whisking just like the recipe said
>Smell fucking amazing
>Suddenly no more resistance when i move the whisk inside the mixture
>It fucking melted
That whisk was almost 20 years old and survived much higher temp before, it literally went to hell and back but couldn't survive the caramel.
I never again tried after this.

>>6996418
or pour milk on your hands

>>6996301

>buy jiffy pop
>stove is broken
>put in microwave
>now microwave broken
>how will cook Thanksgiving potato?

>>6996628

Liver and onions are delicious tho my niggy

>>6996844
I dunno, I don't know if there is any more high-temp kitchen work than making caramel. Oil brought to smoke point comes close, but caramel has much higher heat capacity, meaning a whisk in oil will cool the oil in immediate vicinity, staying cooler than the surroundings; in caramel it will quickly heat to the caramel temperature.

Personally, I just use metal utensils.

I messed up the baking soda ratio in cookies once and they just turned into sludge.

Also when I made chili and I thought a clove of garlic was the entire thing of garlic. So I put 3 whole things of garlic in it

>>6996911
Not a regular chili, but certainly nothing bad.
"Garlic as ingredient, not as spice" is a thing.

>cooling chicken stock in ice water in the sink
>in an open pot
>hear someone start doing dishes

>>6996301
The first time I made corned beef and decided to add an extra flair by using sherry while frying it.

>>6996326
What a fucking boring post. Delete please.

My biggest fuck up
>about 17
>come home drunk
>mom made my favorite hot wings for dinner
>left me some in the fridge, fuck yeah
>eat 2 whole wings cold while standing in mostly dark kitchen
>start eating third wing
>realize wings are raw
>thanks mom

>>6996301
>crying because some cheap food fell on the floor
I'm glad I'm not fat.

>Used to live with couple
>Girl was qt as fuck so naturally I acted like a beta
>Used to wait for them to have sex then prepare them beans on toast for when they were finished
>Thought this made me likely to get sex
>they would come out of the room kissing and say stuff like ''bean boy is done!'' and take the food then say ''and now bean boy becomes bus boy'' when handing the dirty plates for me to clean
>eventually got fed up of girl not proposing sex
>made them their beans one day ''with one key difference''
>put my picture on the toast
>beans were meant to represent the girl, so she was on top of me
>they start eating
>male who has my female bits into the picture of me
>coughs it out
>''what the fuck is this beany?''
>tell him ''its a picture of me, I am taking your girlfriend'
>they both laugh, finish their food, I clean plates as normal
>goes on for another 3 months before I move out

wasted hours overall

>>6996961
I hope to god that's not true

>>6996961
Wow nigga thats gay af

>>6996961
I've been using 4chan for about 8 years and seen some shit, but this might be the most pathetic thing I've ever seen on here.

>>6996961

Thanks for the new pasta fam. I don't think I could find something more pathetic than this tbh.

>>6996876
So I hear. To this day I still have no idea what I did to them that fucked up so badly.

>>6996430
I believe that's called superheating a liquid. Happens often if you microwave distilled water, it will be above boiling temp but still liquid and as soon as you introduce enough non-water molecules it will fucking erupt instantly.

Probably just the standard pizza melting through itself and collapsing to the bottom of the oven. It's ridiculous how disappointed I felt at the loss of that pizza. Had particularly nice looking bacon on it and a stuffed crust.

>>6996301
Did this as a kid, still makes me cringe whenever I remember it:
>be about 10 years old
>family is very strict on eating sweets because something-something-not-healthy
>decide to make my own home made chocolate
>no idea how to make it
>find a recipe in a book
>mum is in the kitchen doing stuff so I can't use the oven
>who needs fire anyway
>steal some pure cocoa powder, sugar and two eggs from the pantry
>remove egg whites and throw them in the toilet
>mix the yolks and the rest of the ingredients in a bowl and beat them with fork, like an omelette
>tastes like arse
>add some pistachios for extra flavour
>proceed to eat egg yolk with cocoa powder mixture with a spoon
>literally has the consistency of mucus
>decide that my home made chocolate will solidify if I leave it to rest over night
>shove the bowl under the bed, eat it again the next day
>notbad.jpeg
>did this several times
>only stopped when my mum finally found my chocolate bowl and told me I will get Salmonella if I keep eating that

Sometimes it's a wonder I'm alive...

>>6996675
>raging, tormented sadistic alcoholic goes nuts

Yeah, I'm sure Edgar Alan Poe was definitely a victim of copper poisining

>>6996675
What type of pots and pans do you cook with? This is interesting

>>6996301

>>6996456
He said it was copper BOTTOMED. It was probably a Revere Ware pan, not an actual copper pan. He's fine.

I spilled microwave curry on my bare chest and gave myself second degree burn

>>6996826
Well luckily, that has been the only mistake I've ever made in the kitchen. And with a mess that big, I hope I never make another.

>Make massive pot of chili
>Bring it into work
>Trip and spill it all over the floor
>Get my suit covered in chili while trying to get it back in the pot

>>6997312
Is your name kevin you fat cunt

I didnt clean a pan that I used to fry things in for weeks and ended up burning down my old house

>made huge pot of chili
>sat down to to eat
>realise I forgot to add beans
>throw in the trash

>>6996879
The specific heat of grapeseed oil ranges from 1.57 to 1.95 kJ/(kg*K) at temperatures 35-140 C. There is little variation between the various cooking oils.
Compare it to that of crystalline sugar, which is 1.10 to 190 kJ(kg*K) at temperatures 0-140C. It's reasonable to assume this does not change much as it's transformed to caramel.
While water has a far higher specific heat, the amount of water in hot caramel is neglible.

>>6996409
I washed my hands three times thoroughly and still caught my dick on fire chopping one jalapeno

>>6996720
The ass was fat

>>6996948
> /ck
> tough crowd

>>6997403
It's not funny you attention seeking faggot.

>>6996859
That's what he was trying to do, bro.

>>6996326
>That turkey came out great, not bad for a first try if I say so myself.

kill yourself

Stabbed myself in the eye on some plastic packaging
I still have a (hopefully not permanent) scar on my left eye, 1.5 years later, that itches or hurts whenever my eye gets irritated (e.g. unclean water or some shit, hard to explain what I mean)

Worst thing is, I didn't even eat the shit I examined back then

>>6996717
>mfw there are kids on this board who were 14 when that movie came out on DVD 2007+

I was so nyquil'd up this morning I spread sour cream instead of cream cheese on my bagel

i was very sad

>>6996409
U don't know shit till you jalepeno pussy poppin ur girl m9

>>6997665
what's wrong with sour cream on your bagel you nigger?

>>6997687
it wasn't what I intended or expected when I bit into my bagel

>>6996450
>while deep frying them put lemon juice

something pretty bad happened today

> plan making a chicken korma for days
> feel like this is a milestone for me because I'm a terrible cook and my diet is awful
> thaw out raw chicken fillets
> get out the rice and korma sauce
> time to make a chicken korma for the first time ever
> get out the chicken
> it's on the bone
> have difficulty cutting it
> I hate raw chicken and I'm constantly obsessing over touching it and the materials it's touching
> get too anxious
> throw away the chicken
> spend an hour sterilizing surfaces and my hands
> cook a frozen pizza instead

the hell's wrong with me....

>>6996414
DUDE WEED LMAO

>>6997800
get some serious help anon
immersion therapy, when done in proper steps, will bring you out of the hellhole you're living in

>>6997800
Get disposable gloves, man. Yeah, raw chicken makes my hands itchy.

>put pot of water on stovetop to get to a boil
>go back to my room
>massively depressed at that time so forget about it
>smoke detector goes off
>mfw I burned water
>mfw I've been a cook in pretty good restaurants before that happened

>>6997810
I do need help, I have some serious OCD issues

>>6997820

Its ok ive burned water before and i work fine dining. As somebody said previously..

>DUDE WEED LMAO

>>6997075
not that guy, but from testing Poe's hair they determined he had high concentrations of lead, mercury, and nickel in his body, as well as extremely high levels of arsenic. Also, he died of rabies. Dude had a hard life.

>>6997075
>>6997915
also, I just want to add that the idea Poe was a raging alcoholic was a myth perpetuated by his doctor and other members of the Temperance Movement

>cooking chicken in cast iron skillet
>put pan into the oven to finish cooking
>take it out with an oven mitt, looks and smells amazing
>rest it on the stove to cool a little bit before putting it on a plate
>walk away for a minute, get a call and become distracted
>try to pick up the still 350F+ pan with my bare hands to move it
>thisishot.jpg
>knocked over a glass next to the stove in surprise, glass shards everywhere on the floor
>big blisters on my hands for the next week to remind me of my stupidity

at least I didn't drop the pan onto my feet or my phone I guess

>Be young
>just starting to get into cooking
>hear that eggs are the "trash can" of breakfast (You can put whatever meat you have in your fridge in them)
>I think this also includes fruit
>I made a blueberry and banana omelette
>it comes out blue
>tastes like shit but I feel obligated to eat it because I just "invented" it in front of my mom
>tell her it's alright but I probably won't do it again

>>6996416
What would possess you to put pencils in the toaster?

>>6996301
I forgot to put the bowl back in the crock pot before adding the ingredients. The crock pot had a hole in the center so everything just ran out on the counter everywhere.

>>6997370
You are ignoring viscosity, which is a key part of thermodynamics and what that poster was specifically referring to.

>>6996326
>4. Random spills and shit

Cool story, brojam

>>6996961
pathetic

I'm glad you won't contribute to the genetic pool

>>6996301

>making delicious lobster
>final part of my secret recipe
>give the lobsters a butter bath
>*yawn* this is gonna take some time
>play some call of duty
>smell something burning
>OHFUCKMYJESUSTHELOBSTERS
>come back and see beautiful beautiful lobsters burnt into a crisp
>cry alone while eating the sparsely unburnt but dry portions


This happened years ago. Its still fresh in memory.

>>6997062

>hanging out with cousin
>we talk about how food gets mushed up anyways when we chew it
>so let's put a burger in a blender!
>blend it with some water
>attempt to drink

..yeahh

>>6997819
you ever like, use disposable latex or nitrile gloves to jack off?

>>6996301
Why is she sitting on the floor? Just pick it up and mop up. It would take like 10 minutes.

>had a very long day at work
>get home around 10pm, go to the kitchen to eat some homemade jambalaya
>decide to heat it up quickly in the microwave instead of putting it in a pot on the stove
>bowl gets super hot, burns one of my hands and soars over the counter after I let go of it
>spend night wiping off the stove, counter, and floor and picking grains of rice out of the niche between the counter and oven

>>6996301
at least the kitty is getting a snack

>>6996337

>I'm glad the fire alarm didn't alert me to a potential fire hazard
>that would be an inconvenience
>better to have an alarm that wouldn't go off if there were smoke, yep

>>6996402

Thanks to /ck/ I know if there's an oil fire, throw the fucking pan outside on the cement.

>>6996409

>masochist
>chop chipotles
>later, don't wash hands any more than usual, go to rub one out
>nothing

Fuck you guys. I wanted to experience it like pepper-tan.

my friend boiled potatoes and forgot them for so long the water boiled away and the potatoes turned into coal.

Got drunk and decided to make scrambled eggs with green onions, chopped into the tip of my thumb and nearly took it completely off.

Also one time I got really drunk and dropped a pot on scalding hot chili on my foot, burning the fuck of out myself.

I had to stop drinking for obvious reasons

>>6997657
I was 15 in 2007. Still browsed 4chan then, too.

>>6996821
>Spend all day making dad's secret sauce

We don't need to know these things. Stick to talking about food

>>6996961
Why did you move in with them? You sound like you didn't even know them very well.

>put some yoghurt in plastic bowl
>walk back to the kitchen table
>bowl slips from my hand
>hits the floor at just the right angle
>bounces back up, spinning rapidly
Perfect U shaped line of yoghurt going from one wall to the other, stopping right below the ceiling on either side.

And the other is pic related. Slipped from my hand when I picked it up, it only dropped like half an inch.

> get drunk
> want a bacon sarnie
> regular pans are all dirty
> decide to use my wok
> heat up on some oil on high heat
> start frying bacon
> wok stir-frying instincts kick in and I start shaking the wok around like a Ken Hom with parkinsons
> hot oil splashes over my hand
> my le voldemort face when 2nd degree burns

Keeping my hand in a bucket of water didn't soothe the pain at all, nor did the home remedy of putting shredded potatoes on the burn. The only thing that helped was heading out to the corner shop to buy some American mustard, mustard that's so weak it barely deserves the name. It immediately soothed my burns and it actually tasted pretty good on my bacon sandwich.

>oven's fucked, have to use small toaster oven for all meals
>limited counter space so I throw the bread on top of the toaster oven
>pop some food in the toaster oven, but forget to take bag of bread off
>smell burning plastic
>bag had melted all over the toaster oven, partially sealing the door shut
>bread was smoking and triggers the smoke detectors
You know fucking long it took to clean melted plastic off that thing?

>>6996301

>coming back home from partying
>drunk as fuck
>apparently turn on stove to the max to heat up chili
>apparently go to bed
>knocking on the window and door as well as the door bell and fucking loud beeping wake me up
>4 or 5 am
>stumble to front door
>don't even notice the smoke
>notice the stove is on, turn it off
>notice that the beeping is my smoke alarm
>open door
>firemen standing there
>shit
>they lead me outside to the ambulance
>shit shit
>have to sit down on a stretcher
>everybody living in my building is standing outside, looking at me
>my one neighbor who knows me asks if I'm alright
>firemen blow the smoke out with some fancy fan
>ambulance doctor asks me if I'm feeling light-headed or anything
>"Nah"
>-"Alright. Don't fall asleep again when cooking."

God fucking damned this was just utter shit. My entire flat smelled bad for a very long time because of a mixture of burnt meat, tomatoes and a plastic spoon that melted into the pot. I scrubbed everything with vinegar and washed all my clothes and whatever else fit into the washing machine but it still took months until the smell was gone.

When I was like 12 I decided to make some peanutbutter cookies
Make it fine, roll them up into balls, but forget to press them down with a fork on the baking sheet
So as I'm putting the sheet into the oven one of the balls rolls off without me knowing, and sets on fire a couple minutes later.
Me being the genius 12 year old I am decided that the best way to deal with this would be to pour water on it while the oven was still on.
Needless to say I'm a fucking dumbass who scared the shit out of his parents

Literally? Astroglide cucumber up my nieces anus. She complained about it for days and it actually bled inside. She came home from MS and she scratched it so hard it created a rash and ruined 3 pairs of her panties.

She's good now. Her butt seems much tougher. This was like 2 years ago.

>>6998357
Not cool, dude. Pedophilia and child sexual abuse is never funny. NEVER

>>6998357
We're gonna need an explanation, sir.

>>6996301

>be drunk, hungry
>put pizza in oven
>cook mildly rotten ground meat in a pan
>smells foul whatever its gonna be good
>put rotten cooked meat on pizza
>eat a little throw the rest out of the window
>under my window was a childrens playground
that feel of shame

>>6996675
Apparently you've never heard of food grade copper cookware.

i once put a krispy kreme donut in the microwave for a minute

>>6996409
I washed my hands before scratching my nose.
My nose and cheeks felt numb for minutes and never understood why

>18 years old still living at home
>not quite a fully realized alcoholic, me and my friends were just learning to be drunks
>brewing 3 different wines in my closet
>get shitfaced with a bunch of bros at my neighbors party
>run out of booze so we go get my oldest wine
>it tastes absolutely vile
>friend who taught me how to do it says its normal
>everyone starts drinking this disgusting concoction
>20 minutes later everyone in the house is violently ill
>vomiting teenagers spread all around the backyard
>get drunk on the next batch of wine the following weekend anyway

>>6996319
Why were you aiming your beer bottle toward your eye?

Either way, made me laugh

>>6996326
what's even the point of this post

>>6996326
Worst post in 4chan right now, delete it please.

>>6996301
i dropped a big container of minced garlic in the cooler at work right after my friend mopped it up
she walked in and saw all the garlic over the floor and walls and just walked right out
cleaned it up in a jif though

>>6997752
does lemon juice explode or something when yo deep fry it?

>>6998987
When it's liquid, yes. That's why you should only add frozen lemon juice to hot oil.

>>6998999
i feel like youre tryin to trick me

>>6998114
yes

>>6998943
why do you drink beer like your sucking a cock.

>have nosy kentucky coon house
>always jumps on counters and tries to get into food
>i'm making chili one day
>place on front burner
>knock on door
>leave kitchen to answer it
>collect amazon delivery
>hear a yelp and a crash as I shut the door
>run into kitchen
>see dog rolling around on ground with a head covered in chili
>making horrible noises the likes of which I had never heard before and will likely never heard again
>head is completely covered in scalding hot chili
>decide there's nothing I can do
>pick up chili pot
>bash dog's brains in
>dog still twitching
>stomp on dog's head
>foot gets stuck
>try to pull it out
>lose balance
>fall onto ground
>shirt ruined with chili and dog viscera
that was my favorite fucking shirt, too

>>6999001
I would never do such a thing.

Freeze some lemon juice in an ice cube tray and drop a few cubes into the hot oil next time you deep fry something. It gives the outside of whatever you're frying a nice subtle lemon flavor.

>>6999010
Shock value, no truth.

>>6999017
ok that sounds good. i always like fried chicken with a lil lemon flavor. thanks anon

>>6999017
>>6999023
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgJpMTSm-j0

>>6996326
Best bait post I've seen in a coon's age tbh fam

>>6999027
goddamn it i almost got bamboozled

>>6999027
Lies.

>>6996301
>making rice
>not enough water
>comes out crunchy

Peanut butter and mayo on wonderbread.

>>6996927
I still ate it. It wasn't bad.

But fuck that was some strong garlicky chili

>winter olympics 2013
>worked night shift so i could get off work and watch figure skating life
>really into figure skating for some reason don't judge fam
>get super wasted and take lortabs and watch figure skating alone
>it's about noon or 1, say well better get ready for bed before night shift at 11
>might as well eat some chef boyardee before bed
>no can opener
>no big deal, i'll just stab it with a knife around the edges until it's open
>stab can until it's kinda open
>figure i'll just pry the rest of the can up with my hand cos fuck it
>fucking rip HUGE gaping cut in thumb
>blood fucking everywhere in my kitchen
>drive to walk in clinic super fucked (brushed teeth first ;)
>told doctor what happened. didn't tell her how fucked up i am already
>they say i need stitches and should go to hostpital but i'm like nah can't you do the liquid glue kind?"
>they are like hmm maybe it will take a while for it to hold
>every time i think it held, whoops more blood shot out
>FINALLY after about 2 hours the bleeding has stopped and my thumb is glued shut
>hot indian dr has to know i'm fucked up but is being nice about it
>asks if i need any pain meds for it i'm like nahhhhh im good
>later sober up and FUCK IT HURTS and that was my last tab i took to enjoy the womens figure skating finals
>call back next day like "yea you were right I need some pain killers
>get more pain killers, all ends well have gnarly scar on thumb


I still ate that can of chef boyardee spaghetti after i got home from the clinic though. hell, i mutilated my thumb to get in there.

>>6999199
>really into figure skating
>eating canned ravioli
>driving simultaneously drunk and on pain drugs

Next time do humanity a favor and slice your jugular you disgusting sack of shit.

>>6999311
duly noted fam

>made banana bread for my girlfriends family
>said it wasn't very good
>I know full well it was fine

Trying to extend an olive branch to people that hate me was a fuckup

>>6996301
>2nd grade
>bring can of kerns guava with me to school
>open it
>drink half
>put it, uncovered, in the mini-fridge in the classroom
>maybe 2 months later
>remember it
>find it
>drink it
>start laughing my ass off
>literally every single drink of it makes me lose my shit
>My stomach hurts from laughing
>teacher sends me out of the classroom
>repeat over the next week as I can only drink a little at a time before laughing my ass off
>eventually the teacher takes it, dumps it, and calls my mother

I still wonder if it had fermented or something. I've never come across anything like it again.
I've kind of wanted to try and re-create whatever the fuck it was.

>>6996319
lmfao good job bud

>>6996326

I was hungry and noticed some flank steak i forgot to cook.

smelled okay i guess, so i salted it and fried it up into an omelet.

worst day of my life brought on by my cooking ive ever had. such pain.

>>6996409
>underagedb&
>lurk moar
>gtfo newfriend

>>6996301
Lit my oven on fire because there was a very small crack in the bottom of a dish I didn't see.

Got to use a fire extinguisher for the first time, though. That was cool. Then I was coughing for about 4 hours afterward, though.

>>6996933
Maybe you shouldn't have left your shit lying around then, eh?

>>6996948
I laughed

>>6996961
This is a work of fiction.

>>6996301
for me
>Making sweet potato soup feat. blender
>blender breaks for whatever reason
>covered in burning hot sweet potato
friend w/ autism
>staying with family friend before starting college
>3 am
>cooks frozen chicken in burning hot oil
>chicken everywhere in the kitchen and massive mess

Other than some food just tasting like shit after I cooked them...

A couple months ago made some burrito casserole and the cheese was bad. It was just shredded cheese from a bag. When preparing said casserole, it didn't seem stale, didn't see mold, didn't even think the cheese was that old... but after cooking it and taking it out after 40 mins... it smelled just awful, like a woman farted.

I took the whole thing outside and dumped it in my front yard where we put old vegetables for rabbits to eat (or get eaten by coyotes), next day there were two dead rabbits out front.

>>6996341
Know what you mean I dropped a gallon jar of bean salad once exploded like a fucking bomb. Terrible to clean up

>>6998152
IT'S HABANERO-TAN YOU PLEEEEEB
seriously nigga cmon

Forgot the noodles on the stove.

Dried completely, it became a brick

>>6996301
listening to /ck

>first time mother made tacos
>said I could put whatever I want in it
>go to the fridge
>grab kraft rubber cheese slices
>put in taco tortilla
>grab jar of prunes
>put a few in in taco tortilla
>top it off with barbecue sauce

>>6996301
good friend comes over. is vegetarian.
want to cook french onion soup, I did it many times and am good at it.
use vegetable broth from the jar because hes a vegetarian - tasted like shit. tounge was sizzling with acid, stinky selery, just salty notaste and overall worst onion soup ever! friend said it was ok, didnt believe him, threw him out.
next time, vegetarian friend came over, wanted to make french onion soup but used my homemade original beef broth for it. experience was a delight, friend said best onion soup ever. when I told him it was beef broth he jumped from the table right onto the bank, ready to get chopped. chopped him, made vegetarian friend broth for new french onion soup next day for superior looking female vegetarian friend.
made vegetarian friend original human veggie broth french onion soup. served female veggie friend, asked her if she liked cool names for dishes.

>dissassociative cooking

>making rice for chicken im making
>big pot, lots of rice to cook, no need to worry
>leave kitchen to play a game
>possibly the biggest mistake of my life
>playing vidya
>hear fire alarm
>run to kitchen and greeted to rice in pot on fire
>put pot in sink, put out fire
>throw pot in the bin and eat just chicken

it was pretty nice chicken though

>>6997808
>>6997852
le le

How do you people not know how to deep fry? I taught my younger brother who is 17 just the other week. Even if you're fucking drunk. Heat up a pot of oil on medium. If a crumb of bread rises its hot. Don't raise the temp. Are you all retarded?

To be fair though when I was younger and drunk I dropped a frozen cheese pizza right out the oven face down on my foot. Hell.

>>6996301
I was a kid and the instructions said to microwave for 60 seconds. I microwaved it for 60 minutes.

There was a small fire.

>get small grill
>go to friends house to cook hamburgers and watch game
>everything set got lots of beer 12-14 people
>go outside and put the grill over a table since its small
>cook 15 to 16 hamburgers
>almost done last 2
>tables explodes everything goes flying 2 last burgers land on dirt and shit

>mfw forgot table was glass
>mfw everybody ate except me and my cousin
>mfw when anon! burgers were great!

Fucking shit i still cringe whenever i remember

>>6998093
At least you didn't have a girl over and weren't wearing cleats.

>>6996301
I never fuck up food

Made stir fry once, accidentally grabbed bottle of olive oil instead of safflower oil (i keep all my oils in dark unlabeled bottles, kek). Instantly caught on fire. My dinner guests were over, had to scramble to stop my apartment from burning down. It set off the apartment wide fire alarm, fire department came, everybody looked pissed at me

>>6996301
be blacked out drunk.. wake up the next morning to the most horrendous smell ever. In the oven is a black disc that used to be a pizza. Took 4 days for the smell to get out of the house.

>>6997554
Well played.

Was going to put a bit of sugar in my drink and accidently took the flour instead. It piled on the top so i just scooped it out with a spoor and it was fine.

Another time when I was a wee lad I was learning to bake cookies and my cookies kept failing, didnt bake at all. Turns out I was accidently using powder sugar instead of flour.

>>6997089
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!

>>6999861
>There was a small fire.
Well...there go my sides

>>7000000
>>6999999

>>6999861
When my family first got a microwave, the first thing my mom cooked in it was a frozen chicken patty. This was back before everyone had microwaves, so the box only had directions for the regular oven. Mom nuked the patty for nine minutes. It came out like a hockey puck.

>>6996961
are you from /r9k/ by any chance?

>>6997062
how does that even happen?

>>7000000

>>6997800
your constant sterilisation of your environment will eventually create a superbug killing off you and your kin.
enjoy.

I was drunk making ramen and decided that it needed a tablespoon of nutmeg.

>>6996438
Label your spice containers

>>6997105
But he scraped off all the metal coating around the copper, inside and out.

>>6996861
>How will cook thanksgiving potato?

>>6997072

>>6996350
>>6996686
>>6996796
>>6998943
>>6999530

He stole that story from an old /ck/ comic you dumb fucks.

>>6998329
>cooking bacon
>use oil
nigga what?

>>7000689
Some people don't know you can cook pork/beef without greasing the pan.

>>6997072
damn, do they start giving you sweets after that sad situation?

>>6998338
>>6998352
>>6998353
Smoke, natures way of telling you that you done fucked up

>be about 16, no idea how to cook at all yet
>couldn't even boil water
>parents leave for a casino weekend and I'm left alone at the house
>decide I'm gonna make me some fucking bluebox mac and cheese
>follow the instructions on the back
>realize I have no fucking clue how to boil water
>come up with a bright idea

>get extension cords and plug them into all the necessary shit on my family's living room computer
>drag the entire pc setup, the desk, etc through the hallway and as far into the kitchen I can get it
>plug my webcam in
>get three friends who aren't completely retarded like me to assist me out loud as I'm trying not to burn bluebox
>shits boiling over the sides, the cheese looks brown instead of bright yellow/orange
>entire stovetop covered in burnt powder cheese. also managed to get hit with some of it so my hand is fucking burned
>friends just calling me an ass the entire time

It came out pretty shitty but I still ate it, and it wasn't horrific or anything, but I promised myself to learn how to cook after that and now I do.

>>6999565
>dead rabbits

>>6996301
This isn't mine, obviously.

>>7000841
holy lol please tell me one of your friends put it on youtube

>>6996961
>r9k copy pasta

>>6999734
seek help

>be average student
>day before math exam
>have to show my homework from all semester to teacher before writing exam
>I don`t have anything
>decide to make it all in one evening+night
>all students have different homework, so i can`t rip off work from classmate
>start doing homework
>2 pages of solid, 100% correct homework
>not even 1/15 of all work
>hungry as fuck
>doing some macaroni with fried chopped onions and carrots
>put WAY too much onions
>looks like pic related, only covered with almost black overcooked onions
>looks 6/10
>fuck it, I am hungry
>itsactuallydelicious.jpg
>eat huge plate of this shit
>one hour later
>somethingwrong.jpg
>two hours later
>ithurts.jpg
>feelsbadman.jpg
>end up vomiting
>pass out on bed
>it`s morning
>I don`t allowed to write exam
>must go on retake and loose stipend becouse of that

Same story repeated next semester with oversalted rice

>>7000964
10/10

Do not microwave bbq sauce, napalm and 2nd degree burns if you spill that shit on you.

I grew up in a single parent household with my father. He was a man of routine, making the same dishes for weeks on end. Well, he'd make me cook the dish but that's beside the point.

Anyway, he liked to have spaghetti with ground hamburger. One day, my dad was away on a trip and I had the house to myself but there was literally nothing in the cabinet but spaghetti noddles, sauce, and some canned tuna that my dad packed for lunch at his job. I decided to try using tuna meat instead of hamburger. I didn't like it very much.

>Kid
>Put a porcelain mug full of chocolate bars on a hot plate/portable stove
>Take mug off after a while and peer inside
>Mug suddenly shatters in my hand
>Half burnt/half molten chocolate down my legs, porcelain shards all over the floor

I went to the bathroom to clean my shit up and blast my legs with cold water. I hear my Dad yell after a while and find out that he's stepped on a shard barefoot and it's gone right into his foot. He couldn't walk properly for weeks and it got infected etc.

>Dad looks like Ja/ck/

>>6996326
I mean, they're not the best stories ever, but idk why everyone is giving you hate for it. story number 1 is kind of funny.

>watching Hot Fuzz with friend
>friend wants to cook dinner
>relaxing, enjoying the movie
>go into kitchen, place hand on stove and chat
>realize after a few seconds that my hand REALLY FUCKING HURTS and yank it off hot stove
>friend just changed burners for the pasta she was making

I was more skin off my hands the following week than when I chop up lepers for beef stew.

>>7001459

If something isn't an EBIC MEM :::DDDD it gets shunned, welcome to 2015. If you have a quiet life and don't bullshit, you'll probably get laughed at for being basic or whatever.

Those stories were probably subjectively memorable and funny to the person. I don't see the point in flaming him for that, even if to me they're a bit.. well.. yeah..

I'm not a cook
>helped brother make risotto for Christmas
>everyone says it's the shit but didn't try it because it had mushrooms
>came to visit last month and makes a broth
>told me too make risotto out of it and leaves me with broth with no further instructions
>leave broth alone for a week, not even in the fridge
>started to cook the risotto with vague directions from Christmas
>"toasted" half a cup risotto with an eighth cup of butter for 5 minutes
>added in the cold broth I had refrigerated for half a day after leaving it out for a week
>added a ladle full of the broth while stirring like a madman
>worked through a pint of broth while stirring for about 2 hours
>tasted the risotto
>risotto was raw yet still overcookedthe
>broth had spoiled and tastes like rubbing alcohol
>whole thing oversaturated with butter
>threw it all out

>>7001507
>when I chop up lepers

lol, what?

I tried making mayonaisse, but I fucked up the emulsion and ended being runny shit. Tasted like barf.

>>7001623

Just whisk in a tablespoon or two of water to re-emulsify fam.

>>6998434
ayyy Im 19 and brewing wine in 2 liters

>about 7 years ago, high school student
>feeling terrible, ask mom to stay home
>home alone and feeling hungry as fuck
>make macaroni and cheese
>by the time I'm done making it I don't want it
>throw it away
>I'll put a pizza in the oven instead
>take it out of the oven and throw it away
>cereal is definitely what I want
>pour a bowl and dump it in the sink immediately

I still don't understand why.

Last friday I took a dime sized chunk out of my thumb with my new paring knife. I was slicing butternut squash for a soup.

And just today I had a 400 degree baking sheet slide off my oven mitt and onto the underside of my arm leaving a nasty big triangle shaped burn. I was making coconut shrimp.

A couple years back when I was severely depressed I left a pot of boiling water, and elbow noodles, on the stove too long and the noodles burned to the bottom. Even after cleaning it multiple times there were black noodle impressions on the bottom, kinda like those nuclear shadows in Hiroshima.

>>6996301
Once I decided to try a maple - mustard glazed chicken recipe, It said use stone ground mustard so I bought a bottle of the stone ground mustard with the little balls intact. The chicken was cooked well but the sauce completely ruined it. Apparently I used the wrong kind of stone ground mustard. I've fucked up cooking before but this is my greatest fuckup in recent memory

>>6996301
I was making pink mole and was at the part where you put all the ingredients that make up the mole into the blender and then I needed to add a little more chicken stock into it so I popped the top on the blender while it was still going and poured some stock into it and then it exploded and I painted a whole side of my kitchen, and myself, pink.

At least it was pretty.

>>6996414
So much fucking money. I make bho candies and shit these days since you can't screw that up. Hard candy is so damn easy and you can shape them into anything.

Gifting your friends penis suckers and watching the moral dilemma on their faces as they decide whether or not the high is worth it is priceless.

>>6996691
Cool history. Thanks for the lesson. Now I want to know more.

>>7001751
well...

picked up some soup, holding it from underneath with paper towels between my palm and the bottom, glass in the other hand, spill it, can't put it down, searing pain, big blister for the next week.

>>7001915
I've experienced this far too often.

>>6996301
Last night I was cutting sausage for fried rice and I cut my finger pretty badly. Normally nbd but unfortunately my girlfriend was home at the time AND I was using my brand new super sharp chef's knife so she freaked out, made me sit down with my finger wrapped up above my head and said I wasn't allowed to use my new knife anymore, and finished the fried rice for me.

I know she's just looking out for me, and I wasn't cutting safely, but it was a fuckup because of all the times I've used my new knife, the one time I cut myself is when she's actually there.

>>6996961
fucking kek

>>6998163
>my friend

it's okay, anon. nobody knows who you are on the internet

>>6999945
my sides

>>7000841
16 and can't cook boxed mac and cheese.

jesus fucking christ.

>stop in tea house I always drive by for lunch for the first time
>staffed entirely by qts
>the dozen or so customers are all 35+ year old women
>menu is pretty limited
>order chicken pot pie and a pot of tea
>"sir, the chicken pot pie is an entree so you get a choice of soup or salad"
>sweatingman.jpg
>panic
>choose soup
>halfway through soup realize I essentially ordered another soup for main course
>tsunami of shame washes over me as I realize the staff is probably mocking me for my poor food choices
>can't even enjoy the comfy atmosphere for the next 20 minutes as I finish my meal
>pay my bill, leave 30% tip and run out

I wanted to die.

>>7002023
dude....

>>7002023
social anxiety is a hell of a drug anon

nobody cares what you do, seriously. you're just a blip in their own self absorbed lives.

>>7002023
cut off all caffeine intake. take taurine5g/inositol>1g/niacinmade500mg/kava/theanine200mg. any of those will help while you gradually build some ego strength. it won't even matter if people are making fun of you as much as you think they are

I put a cast iron skillet on the gas grill to see if I could get it really hot, so I could sear a steak in it.

There was a little oil in the bottom that didn't burn off, so when I laid the steak down it was like a hot oil explosion. The steak focused the explosion towards me. My forearm looked like a violent Jackson pollack painting of burns.

>>6996301
>decide to make biscotti for a friend's birthday
>also kind of want to impress her cause she's super cute
>everything's going great so far, dough looks perfect, baking them, cutting them into long semi-thick pieces, flipping them often to ensure every side gets golden brown
>three hours later they're done and they look fantastic
>try one
>first few chews are ok, but as it gets moist I'm hit with a disgusting, mouth-puckering bitter flavor
>what the fuck happened???
>turns out I used baking soda instead of baking powder
>ended up throwing them away and making chocolate chip cookies

>>6999006
underrated post

>>7002082
Why is that poor seal crying

>>7002241
global hunger

>>7002263
>when you hit that kush

>get drunk
>get hungry
>might as well roast that chicken
>sloppily season and stick in over
>wake up to smoke detector
>1 foot of smoke on ceiling
>ohfuck
>discover black carcass in oven
>still smoking like crazy
>still intoxicated
>toss out window

Enjoy racoons and ferral cats.

>>7002023
This happens when I smoke weed. Why can't I just smoke weed and feel good like everyone else. When I take just one hit all of a sudden every time I hear a laugh or giggle they are laughing at me. Every sentence and phrase I hear has some malicious double meaning. Every ounce of comfort and commaderie breaks down and I realize every conscious being is essentially in a constant state of War and survival with one another. No one is your friend and no one gets out of here alive.

My biggest fuck up was following a mug brownie recipe I found on /ck/. To this day I have no idea what happened but the contents of the mug turned into fire inside the microwave and my mug shattered.

>>7002298
>>7001439

>Cooking in mugs
>

>>7001929
Guide-hand technique bro.

>>7000626
who gives a shit, it's still funny.

>making something for my homegirl and I
>love using cast iron skillet to cook stuff in the oven
>take out skillet with towel , place on stove top.
>turn around to grab fork, turn back around and gab handle of skillet that just came out of a 425 degree oven
>years of grabbing very hot plates from expo window have finally paid off
>screams
>No blisters or burns so feel pretty cool
20minutesl8er.gif
>friend and I still hungry
>reread the first 7 sentences
Pic is me

>>7002363
I KNOW I KNOW

>>7002446
Your ceiling is ugly as fuck. >>>/diy/

>>6996409
Why did you have to touch your balls at any stage of mimi or doodoo?
Just checking the boys are happy?

>>7002507
Thank god that wasn't my house.
If your anything like me (which is neat, organized and clean) you'd have flipped out so hard and cringed so bad at the terrible design, layout and bootleg job done to "construct" this property. Would rather live in a tent/10
Cheers

>decide to salt some fillets of cod in order to firm the flesh like what proper chefs do
>eating in a few hours rather than a couple of days, so decide to just up the salt by a whole shitload
>get it out of the fridge and rinse the salt off
>flesh is nice and firm
>cook it up - crisp skin, perfectly cooked, looks and smells tasty
>wrong
>it's phenomenally, throat-burningly, eye-wateringly salty
>battle my way through half of it in an attempt to convince my girlfriend it's not that bad

>>6996961
Saved for future cringe threads.
This is almost on par with Doublemint Dave.

>>7002547

>>6996961
jesus fucking christ anon

>>6996326

>>6996326
>My GF asked me what that scar was and I told her ice, she thought I meant some kind of weird drug, I gave her a really nasty look for that one and being even stupider than I was for getting the burn in the first place.
What the fuck else would you mean by ice? Ice is another name for crystal meth so maybe you meant you took some and did something dumb.

>be like 13
>ortho gives a goody bag of junk food for getting braces off
>home alone
>fuck yeah popcorn time
>follow microwave instructions
>chill in living room (at that age prob fapping 200 mph)
>ding fries are done
>walk into kitchen full of smoke
>throw blackened louisiana popcorn outside and return to my important 13 year old antics

>>7002599
dry ice maybe

>>6996372
kevin?

>like 3am
>going to make some popcorn
>put in the microwave and hit the popcorn setting as I'd done many times previously
>brother's room is next to the kitchen and start talking to him
>friends were over as well and one they come into his room they closed the door
>couple minutes later I remember my popcorn and get up to check it
>brother wants to grab it before me and runs to get out first
>he opens the door to a wall of smoke
>instantly closes the door again
>"ok what the fuck"
>he ends up holding his shirt over his mouth as he walks into the kitchen to turn off the microwave
>I'm standing in the doorway looking through a wall of smoke laughing my ass off

I don't know what the fuck happened. That setting worked fine before and after but that day it decided popcorn meant it needed a good 7 minutes or something. Made the microwave stink

>>6996768
>"... let's eat out."

cont.?

>>6996961
>>7002584

>>6996465
?????

Possibly what I'm cooking right now, will report back in an hour when it's done.

>>7002280


Stop smoking sativa and sativa-heavy hybrids

>>7001915

I suggest you put the soup in bowl and not on paper towels, could help with spillage

>>7002609

>ortho gives a goody bag of junk food for getting braces off

That's like a rehab clinic giving you a little bag of smack after you just got clean.

>>7002725

your allegories need some work just fyi

>>7002263

He just told you he fucked up making biscotti for a friend.

>>7002729

Yeah, like your bloody face!

I just had a big breakfast with hotcakes from McDonalds. I feel like I'm dying.

>high school
>come back to my apartment drunk
>hungry as hell so I decide to rummage through the kitchen
>salvage everything I can, including my roommate's stuff
>make a plate filled with all kinds of garbage
>frozen hot dogs, burgers, toast and meatpies
>top it with minced meat, onions and tomatoes
>pour generous amount of mustard and ketchup on top
>nothing is properly warmed, meat was probably raw
>my memory goes out after this
>wake up in the toilet with floors and walls covered in vomit

Never even tried "cooking" drunk after that.

>>6996821
Your dad lied to make you feel better

>>6998113
Fucking gross lol

I tried rolling my own sushi once and it just... fell apart.

>>a lot of these start with cooking drunk

so I am a wisconsinite, and I'm not sure if everyone here gets way drunker than me when they cook, but I have never had a bad experience with drunk cooking. At least, not this level of bad. maybe it stems from my state's high threshold for the drink... golden thread though overall

>no money, almost ran out of food
>find some chicken legs in the freezer
>leave them on table for the night
>they're unfrozen next day, heat up the stove and put them in
>wait almost an hour for them to cook
>get them out, they were already starting to burn, I am hungry as shit
>poke one leg with a knife
>FUCKING BLOOD COMES OUT OF IT IT'S FUCKING RAW AFTER AN HOUR IN STOVE
>dumped it in garbage and went out to buy some cheapest ramen

>>7003201
you're a retard

>>7003201
What temperature did you have it at? Also you know you can wrap meat in foil if you're baking it in the oven so it can stay longer without burning

>>7003253
170C, and I did wrap it in foil

>>7003257
way too low. should have been more like 220C.

>>7003260
But it was burning already, after I got it out I unwrapped it the skin was almost solid

>>7003264
How about instead of questioning everything you just follow our fucking advice? We're not the ones undercooking our chicken legs.

>>7003267
rude

>>7003268
This isn't reddit, Frenchy.

>>7003264
That can happen if you don't brine it first, the salt water keeps the skin moist and will also steam a little if you've wrapped it in foil. Sauce on the chicken can help with this too, the oven should have been at 200C for an hour.

>>7003274
Doesn't look like it when you lurk most boards though ;-)

>>7003276
Yeah, because of dumb oversensitive pricks like you.

>>7001611
> Not putting lepers in your stew

Fucking faggot

>>7002956
Yeah because that's the first thing everyone thinks of when they hear Wisconsin - the high alcohol tolerance of the residents

Fucking dumbass flyover faggot

>>7001439
Ja/ck/ Jr.?

>>7001751
Do you not understand the concept of refrigeration?

>>6996319

Top fucking kek, I had something vaguely similar with a cigarette once. Absent-mindedly put the burning tip against my lip and then dropped my coffee in the ashtray.

>>6996341
>going to visit friend in china
>wants honey
>get to china and one of the 4 bottles had broken
in my bag

no biggie but this was $20 a jar. the real medicinal australian stuff

>>6996301
>be 12 want pasgetto
>only tomato paste and spagetty

my cat threw it up

>>6996301
>work in kitchen
>cleaning out deep fryer

those in the industry know that on most fryers to drain the oil there is a curved nozzle that you screw on below the tap otherwise the hot oil comes spraying out at a complete horizontal angle over the vessel you planned to put it in.

....yeah. luckily i was alone in there and nobody saw or got fucked up

>>6996844
that shit is LAVA, nugga.

>>7002725
Except junk food doesn't make your teeth crooked

>top shelf of the walk-in is mine
>have panna cotta that I need to put in, it's in stemless wine glasses that are in a cupcake tin because I set a blackberry coulis at a diagonal angle in them before adding the panna cotta
>the bottom of one of the sections in the cupcake tray somehow catches on the rack as I'm sliding it back (I'm reaching above my head to do this so it's kind of awkward)
>somehow end up dumping entire tray over my head

this was like 60 ounces of panna cotta; all my hair, my jacket, everything was drenched in sweet lemony cream.

at least it was at the end of the night and we were almost done cleaning but that was not my best moment

>>6996961

>>6999322
do it again but next time throw in a lil cum in the mixture and ask "how about this time? fixed up the recipe a bit ;)"

>>6996933

Feel you fam

>>7002023
lol we all talk about it.

>>7001507
>I was more skin off my hands the following week than when I chop up lepers for beef stew.
>>7001507
>I was more skin off my hands the following week than when I chop up lepers for beef stew.
>I was more skin off my hands the following week than when I chop up lepers for beef stew.

How do you know when a leper has been using your shower?

>the bar of soap has gotten bigger

>>7001801
how do you make pink mole? beets?

>>7001859

Where did you get a penis mold exactly?

>>7003482
too funny

>>7003546
good memories. i once dropped the styrofoam cup holding the cleaning powder in the fryer. shit bubbled up and disentegrated immediately. there were no fatalities that day.

>>6998163
Been there. I was drunk and fell asleep so the potaters were "boiling" for about 8 hours

>>6996961

i once chopped a bunch of jalapenos for a giant batch of guacamole then masturbated in celebration and my dick burned for a while

>>6997089
fuckin asians

>>6998302
maybe he was friend with the chick and moved in with them to help with the bills, hoping that one day she would fuck him

>>6998434
Long ago 2007, me(13) uncle and cousin both 10, found a really old cheap wine in the cabinet of my parents', it expired in like 1974, parents never threw it out, so my uncle and cousin drank it, i couldn't because it smelled so vile. They got diarrhea the next day, it was awful only having one working bathroom in the house

>>7004912
You were 13 and your uncle was 10 ? Wtf.

>>7005000
Check'em fags.

>>7005004
There are several things wrong with this post

>>7005000
I've got two aunts that are something like 5 and 7 years younger than me. And my granddad is still banging some new gf this very day.

Back when I was pretty young (14 or so) I often had the house to myself all day and would just skip school to play WoW.

For whatever reason at about 10 or 11 in the morning I decided I wanted to make a red velvet cake. Used some shitty cake mix, put some red food coloring in it. Repeat with shitty storebought frosting.

Put cake in oven, don't set a timer cause fk it ill just use the clock on wow and take care of it. Obviously, I forgot about this cause i was a fucking addict and played wow till dark. Went to go use the bathroom and remembered oh fuck i was cooking a fucking cake and take the cake out. I expected it to be black as coal but oddly enough it was just a very dark brown and still cut like a cake (wasn't a cracker or anything if that makes sense). So in my genius I thought it was fine and took it out, and frosted it with the icing. Ate a quarter of the cake even though it tasted kinda funny and got sick afterwards. For whatever reason my first instinct was that the food coloring was the problem not the fact i cooked a cake for like 6 hours.