/ck/ - Food & Cooking

>>6985380
So Joe shows up a couple hours before the session is supposed to start with a large crock pot, and several Tupperware containers in tow. On the menu for the night is white chili, "corn" "bread" and "cheesecake". Notice the quotation marks. The chili was fine, though this was a massive crock pot filled to the FUCKING BRIM. This is for a total of fucking FOUR PEOPLE that would be there, with our chef friend and one other that couldn't make it physically on skype to play. It was easily enough chili for 10+.

Though that's not the issue at hand. The issue at hand is the "cheesecake". Please, look at this recipe. It is the recipe used.

FIVE.

GODDAMN.

POUNDS.


It was a normal sized cheesecake, just dense as fucking cement. I took a tiny slice, and my paper plate nearly buckled under the weight. One bite in and I felt like I had eaten enough calories for the fucking week. What was also provided was some "corn" "bread" which had the consistency of fucking decadent chocolate cake, and was apparently made with creamed corn and what I can only assume to be fucking cream of wheat mix because goddamn it was a corn cake slurry. One piece must have weighed a solid pound. But, I'm not going to just eat one bite of someones momma's cookin and throw it in the trash WHERE IT BELONGED, so I ate what I had taken.

Mistake.

>>6985386
Within minutes of consuming this cheese abomination everyone except for Joe, who ate like half of the fucking thing himself, was sweating. We were getting that sweat you get when you eat a fucking 20 oz steak or something, from a SINGLE SLICE OF CHEESECAKE. This is not something that should ever fucking happen.

I asked Joe point blank if his mom had a life insurance policy out on him, because obviously she's trying to fucking kill him, and we were the unlucky bastards caught in the crossfire of this culinary drive-by. We all started to get heavy cramps and our GM curled up on the couch writhing in pain. At this point Joe was on his third slice of cheesecake, and his like fucking fourth bowl of chili.

Go on . . .

>>6985396
We were successfully taken out by this cheesecake cornbread 1-2 punch. Nobody was functional. It felt like someone had punched me in the stomach, then force fed me wet cement. It tasted fine sure, but I don't understand how Joe can eat like that and not be fucking dead. It defies explanation. When our chef friend in Florida got on skype to play he was greeted by a scene of three grown men looking like death, and one totally fine dude still eating. He was actually mildly upset on facebook leading up to the session that he was going to miss out on the food, how he was so "unlucky" to be in Florida the one time some home cookin is being brought. It was the food equivalent of being upset that your mom didn't sign the waiver to go on the field trip to fucking Crystal Lake. We were the camp counselers and Joe's mom was our Jason. There were no survivors

You've got our attention.

>>6985414
Keep it going fam.

>>6985396
>At this point Joe was on his third slice of cheesecake, and his like fucking fourth bowl of chili.

How god damn big is this Joe guy?

The end that's it thanks guys hoped you liked my story.

>>6985419
Probably a linebacker with that diet. I'll guess 300ish lbs.

>>6985420
good story anon

>>6985419
Not even that big, motherfucker is like 5'8 and not even that wide. I have no idea how this is possible as it defies all reason. I can only imagine that he was throwing it in the trash while we weren't looking. That is the only explanation that won't give me nightmares.

Anyways, the session was thoroughly fucked by everyone's state. The GM couldn't keep a train of thought going, I was slumped against the couch gripping my stomach, and Joe was STILL EATING. He wasn't even mildly upset by this. Everyone else was eyeing the bathroom, seriously considering inducing vomiting to rid ourselves of the pain. The only reason I didn't attempt this was that puking in someone else's toilet while sober seems like a newfound low

Also, have you ever had incredibly spicy food where the spice just sticks with you no matter what? That was that fucking cornbread. No amount of water could wash that shit out. It was sticking to the roof of my mouth like peanut butter. I had eaten literally nothing else that day, and I am still feeling it 24 hours later.

Honestly I was doubting Joe that his mom managed to spend over 50 dollars to make all this food, I also wanted to not believe him when he said she bought ten pounds of cream cheese. But there it fucking is, the recipe calls for five fucking pounds.

Yeah, five. She made a second one. For other people to eat. She made two separate 6+ pound cheesecakes, and at NO POINT during the making of these fucking war crimes did she think "This is enough cream cheese to kill a man, I shouldn't make this" no, she feeds this to people that she personally knows and cares about. Cheesecake should not give you "the itis". Cheesecake should not make grown men want to die. Cheesecake should not be made with five fucking pounds of cream cheese jesus fuck.

>>6985386
Does that say "bake at 275 for a long time"?

>>6985431
>Also, have you ever had incredibly spicy food where the spice just sticks with you no matter what? That was that fucking cornbread.

Much kek. I've been in that situation with bad cornbread, it makes time slow down because of how shitty it is.

>>6985441
Yes. Yes it does. I honestly can't speak to how well cooked it was because it was basically pure cream cheese sweetened with some sugar shoved into a crude facsimile of what an alien might think a cheesecake is supposed to look like.

>>6985436
That's rough man. Question is /tg/ still filled with quest threads? I stopped going there because of those.

>>6985445
Honestly I was looking for the words to describe what happened when I took the first bite of it but yeah it was that. Immediate regret + a feeling like you will never be finished trying to swallow all of the bite you just took.

>>6985446
Fucking incredible. Thanks a lot for telling this story OP

>>6985448
Yep. A quick look at the front page shows 5 quest threads, and not much else of value. Basically it's good for stories of people's sessions and discussion about game systems, but I really wish they would move the choose your own adventure shit to a containment board.

So uhhh what campaign are you runnin

>>6985462
I'm normally the GM, but the man shown curled up in a ball on the couch has been running a pretty fun 4th edition D&D game for us the last couple weeks. I'm playing a goliath cleric, whos a total pushover.8 feet tall and zero of that is spine. And even he, with his massive constitution and strength would be rendered unconscious (save ends) and take ongoing 10 cheesecake damage were he to eat that shit.

>>6985431
>puking in someone else's toilet while sober seems like a newfound low
Man, I went into a Marshalls one time totally sober just to puke in their bathroom. You just gotta play it off like it was incidental and not your entire plan.

>>6985380
Oh my fuck, great thread, OP.

Why does /tg/ always have such great content to contribute to /ck/?

>>6985478
It was more like a mexican standoff really, since all 3 of us were eyeing it, but none of us was going to be the first to succumb to cheesecake poisoning.

>>6985448
How fucking retarded are you? Filter "quest" and "general" and a lot of the problems with /tg/ go away.

Please though, feel free to share any similar food disasters you guys have experienced. I need the solidarity of knowing I'm not the only one who's suffered like this.

>>6985491
My problem with it is that it dominates the board. Threads and discussions that would otherwise keep going get bumped off by shitty quest threads.

>>6985441
that's pretty much how you should bake a cheesecake, although you can go even lower on the temp if you want.

>5 pounds of chream cheese

fucking hell, even my favorite Paula Deen recipe only calls for 1.5 pounds (though the crust uses a pound of butter)

>>6985531
Like, that's what's got me fucked up about this the most. Who the hell writes a recipe with 5 pounds of cream cheese. She intended 4 people to eat that thing. That's 1.25 pounds of cream cheese each. Just the cream cheese in that thing is 6.6k calories on its own. Jesus

Haven't laughed this hard in weeks. Thank you for your sacrifice, anon.

Question: Are you still at your game session or did I miss part of this story?

>>6985564
It was Friday night. I was nowhere near cognizant enough during and immediately after the session to be able to write anything. Though my Skype conversation with my brother and friends later that night included gems such as

"it was like the god of cheese was punishing humans for having the fucking NERVE to make cake out of its domain"

>>6985465
>ongoing 10 cheesecake damage were he to eat that shit.
HAHAHAHA

>>6985646
Dude I've been failing my saving throws on that shit all day. I'm pretty sure it was undercooked too, because fuck man my stomach is still killing me. Send help

fucking nerds

/tg/ck/ stories you say..

>>6985691
There's just something about nerds playing tabletop games that creates the perfect platform for terrible food

>>6985680
fucking normies

>>6985506
It doesn't dominate the board though. It just has a heavy presence on the front page because they're relatively active threads.

>>6985544
IMAGINE CARRYING BAGS FULL OF THAT MANY PACKETS OF CREAM CHEESE.
This is amazing, I had to look up how much a pound was, and it comes in 250g packets here, so that's like NINE PACKETS OF CREAM CHEESE.
Hope you feel better soon. You're probably just going to have to drink lemon water for a day or so?

>>6985776
>found the quest thread fag

Just want to say, /tg/ users are among my favorite 4channers


They're so lovably nerdy

>>6986614
Glorious

>>6985691
Outstanding

>>6985748
When my neighbor hosted the weekly game night we'd all just give him $5 and use it to buy a bunch of pizzas

>>6986744
That's what we should have done. It's also what we didn't do. Basically though nobody wanted to spend money when free food was offered, and nobody anticipated the cheesecake to be a damn boss monster.

>>6985386
Could you type out the recipe? Your picture is blurry like Parkinson's and I'm semi tempted to make this abomination.

>>6987596
5 pounds cream cheese
1 3/4ths cups sugar
4tbs flour
1 tsp vanilla
1 orange zest
1 lemon zest

5 eggs, 2 egg yolks
1/4th cup cream

Apparently they used a normal pastry crust in the original recipie, but a grahm cracker crust is called for here. Of note the crust was as hard as steel and utterly inedible so no idea what went into that.

Bake at 275 for "a long time" and you too can kill anyone who eats that shit!

So who's gonna make it?

>>6987596
Do you need to talk to someone? The suicide lifeline is open 24/7 to talk with you.

>>6985691

came ITT specifically for this.

Just imagine a nice slice of cement cheesecake washed down with a cosmic brownie shake. I think that might actually kill someone.

>>6987596
I'm assuming the reason that anon didn't get back to us about how the cheesecake turned out is because they died eating it. RIP anon

>>6985482
Because people who play make-believe games are very accomplished liars.

Still, good on you, OP. I am thoroughly entertained by your story.

>>6988906
Really? This is one of the more believable stories here. Nothing too crazy, just some awful food

>>6987986
I don't think they'd even be human at that point

>>6989561
That Joe guy could probably do it. Fuck, I'd pay money to watch that shit.

>>6987857
>5 pounds cream cheese
>1 3/4ths cups sugar
>5 eggs, 2 egg yolks
>1/4th cup cream

Holy shit.This must have been in the south

>>6989672
Fucking Ohio. Midwest is all about disgusting excess, just look at any state fair

Speaking of tg food related disasters, does no one have the story of the meatbread from hell?

>>6991345
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/20154353/

this it?

>>6985380