/ck/ - Food & Cooking

No, but I pretty much pretend I'm on Masterchef when I'm coming. My housem8 comes into the kitchen sometimes and starts screaming and cussing to make it more realistic.

Jack scalfani should compete

I was on the 2nd season of Iron Chef
AMA
Was it super difficult? Not really, most of it is over acted, anyone with a culinary degree and a little imagination will make it mid round at least, although I'm pretty sure the show is rigged.
Any weird stuff happen? Tom Colicchio has bad teeth/breath and touched my ass too long for it to have been an accident.

>>6792069
>iron chef
>mid round

what

>>6792069
I don't believe anything you said

>>6792069
It's more likely that someone on /ck/ would appear on that "Worst Chefs in America" show than Iron Chef.

>>6791924
>be Jack Scalfani
>Receive call
>it's Ted Allen
>"Hey,hey hey! it's eddy!"
>We need you on the show to show off your watermelon hacking skillz
>Oh dude im so there
Three months later
>Gets the call
>Getting flight out to LA
>No one recognized him and no one is using his best sauce ever made
>Loses a little confidence but is ready for the show
>Next Day
>Time for show
>The three judges introduce themselves
>The other contesants are an asian women from Las Vegas and is the pastry chef for a buffet
>An older man from Wisconsin who is an Executive chef for a BBQ place.
>Another is le rocker chick from Washington who works at her fathers diner
>Last but not least, Jack Scalfani
>An online video streaming superstar
>First round:Appetizers
>Contestants look nervous but ready

>>6792190
>Ted Allen tells them to open their baskets
>"And we have..."
>Passion Fruit
>Guacamole
>Milk
>Prosciutto
>"You have 20 min to create your dishes chef, and that time starts now!"
>Jack clearly looking confused, he has never seen fresh ingredients before
>Jack asks for a timeout
>Little known to the audience but the contestants are allowed one timeout a round
>Ted grants the timeout
>Jack runs to the pantry and pulls down his pants
>Rummages through his anus
>Pulls out a sealed bottle of the best Teriyaki sauce ever made

>>6792214
>>6792190
this had better be a whole episode worth of greentext

>>6792214
Beautiful please continue

>>6792214
you better finish it you cuck.

>>6792214
>unbeknownst to Jack, but the HD Food Network cameras have been on him the whole time
>Based Jack doesn't care
>He goes back to his station trying to hide the bottle
>Ted clearly sees it as Jack is hiding it behind his back AND walking backwards
>13 Min left and Jack seems confident
>He grabs a plate and the judges are understandably impressed that Jack is ready to plate
>Its a small bowl and a glass
>Jack pours himself a glass of milk and drinks it
>Judges are impressed again for his thorough quality checking throughout the round
>Jack then proceeds to drink the whole liter of milk provided
>He bolts to the pantry to grab pita bread
>Deep fries them
>Quirky remark from Ted
>"looks like he is electric! Pita! Pita!"
>Cuts them into triangles and fries them, some sea salt
>Gazes over the guacamole slowly,admiring it's obvious processed qualities
>Dips pita chip
>Judges are now extremely horny by his thoroughgoing ways

>>6791892
>Have any of you ever competed on chopped
Is this a troll thread? How many times have I posted about being on chopped?

I got chopped on the very first round. We were doing bbq. My pork wasn't done enough and I got chopped.

>>6791906
I like to pretend I'm in a porno when I'm coming, not on a reality TV show

>>6792250
>Alex Guarnaschelli clearly loving the way the 2% flies down Jack's face
>looks at him pic related
>Guacamole almost all gone
>Geoffrey Zakarian cannot compute not being edgiest guy in room
>Aaron Sanchez talks about his mother
>Passion fruit is subtlety put on the other contestants station
>Prosciutto is put in jacks pocket for later
>"You have two minutes left"
>Asian woman looks nervous as she has never used Guac before
>BBQ man doesn't how to spell milk
>Le rocker doesn't have enough truffle oil
>"Time is UP!"

>>6792262
Episode link?

>>6792292
Like you don't fucking know. Enough of you bastards have made fun of me. Most of which are not even chefs.I think I'll stick to remaining anonymous.

>>6792292
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zs53xIXuAfg

>>6792082
He did say he's a faggot; I believe that.

>>6792283
do i keep going?

>>6792690
fuck yes

>>6792690
Please.

>>6792073
>>6792082
he obviously meant top chef. really irks me how almost no one from /ck/ watches it

>>6792283
>"All hands up!"
>Jack is confident no one will notice that he is serving his teriyaki sauce instead of anything else
>BBQ man made prosciutto and guac Omelette with passion fruit smoothie
>Le rocker makes bacon and proc slider with guac and passion fruit ice cream
>asian women makes prosciutto and passion fruit cheese fritter
>"up first is le rocker"
>Geoffrey fixes his glasses and looks around for approval
>Alex thinks the sliders were inventive but the ice cream couldve used a little more time in the machine
>Aaron talks about his mother

>>6792822
>Aaron talks about his mother
Yes
I need more

>>6792822
>Asian woman is next
>her fritters are looking excellent in the panning shots
>Jacks fingers enters the shot and grabs one
>Geoffrey notes that though the presentation is nice, he feels he's missing a dipping sauce
>Alex notes that the asian woman is so independent for being here alone without her owner
>Aaron talks about his mother leaving the house without her owner
>Ted finds Aaron's story so lifting he jerks just until pre-cum, whispers to his cock and says not now oscar meyer
>BBQ man is there and he looks sad
>The judges are presented with the omelette and all note that the eggs are perfectly cooked.
>Geoffrey sips some water in the middle of the round puts down his fork and stars at BBQ man
>"You seem to be missing the milk"
>Alex realizes this as well
>Aaron notes that his mother was temporarily lactose intolerant
Commercial Break.

You guys halfway enjoying this?

>>6792854
I feel like im enjoying this a lot more than I should be tbh
Please keep going

>>6792854
It's safe to say we are loving it

>>6792854
yeah and I haven't even seen a single episode of chopped (know who those judges are tho)

>>6792854
I have a tear from holding back laughter. Please, proceed.

>>6792854
>Jack Scalfani is up
>Panning shot is his famous Teriyaki sauce with his thumbs up
>Producers wonder how Jack keeps leaving the green room
>Slight smears of feces across the word "You'll"
>Judges are confused
>"Describe what my mother's son is having this evening," Aaron says
>Well today I have Sam's Choice Teriyaki sauce with a hint of unnecessary profits
>Alex finds the sauce a little sweet for her but she enjoys the subtely of the Guacamole within the sauce as it brings a slightly rich texture
>"What sort of experience do you have Jack?" Geoffrey proposes
>Well one day, I didn't have water for my rice a roni so instead i put more butter
>"My mother loves butter"( you know how)
>Geoffrey is clearly disgusted
>But he tries the sauce and is literally blown away by Ted's cumshot
>"I guess the straight guy got the queer eye!"
>"Now our judges will pander to unneeded conflict after the break."
Commercial Break

>>6792894
>"My mother loves butter"( you know how)
(how)*

>>6792898
>(how)*
who?

>>6792898
WHO... sry lol

I saw Emeril Lagasse at a grocery store in Los Angeles yesterday. I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything.

He said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?”

I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying.

The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter.

When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly.

>>6792899
its gettin late

>>6791906
>housem8
M8...

>>6792894
Will they notice jack drank the milk!?
Will Geoffrey eat Ted's load?
Will Aaron be fed like a baby bird by his mother on set?

I will find out hopefully tomorrow thanks in advance based narrator

>>6792226
or wat?

>>6792214
Wait, is that what his sauce labels actually look like?
It looks just like the Walmart brand labels.

>>6792922
thats the meme

>>6792905
this pasta always makes me smile

>>6792905
Milky Ways?

lol wtf

>>6792894
>Chopped swoosh
>All contestants in the green room
>Le rocker is only drinking fair trade non-drought water saved from the tit of pequins affected by the BP oil spill.
>BBQ man has been acting strange lately
>He hasn't necessarily taken a breath in the last 45 minutes.
>Asian woman stares at Jack in complete lust
>The beard, his supple eyes, rounded nose
>Jack leaves the green room, producers have caught on and now won't let him leave
Edit to judges
>Alex was most surprised of Jack's use of the milk and how it wasn't even there.
>Geoffery can't stop taking selfies and posting them on Tumblr
>Aaron notes that once his mother had to walk 150 ft to her car bc the street cleaners were coming to his side of the town
>He cries in her honor
>Alex then notes "Le rocker that the Sliders were excellent but if she hadn't been raped on the way to the studio she wouldn't have anxiety and could possibly leave the ice cream in the machine for a little longer"
>Geoffrey says "BBQ man missed an entire recipe and you sometimes can't come back from that"
Random cut in show
>Ted:"So judges we have a decision?"
>Alex looks around and there is a unanimous feeling that no they didn't, how the fuck did they even imply that they were done. Are they really going to base a ten thousand dollar competition on a three minute discussion?
>Ted doesn't listen or care and brings the contestants in
>Jack is nowhere to be found
>it is then revealed that he is in the cooking stations with his Nokia trying to make a cooking with Jack Show
>Ted asks what the hell he is doing
>"my mother wouldn't do that, get back here"

>>6792894
>describe what my mother's son is having

My sides just took a vacation to camp cutthroat

This is my favorite thing to happen on /ck/ wince
>wa la
please, whats next

>>6792953
new favorite greentexter, please continue

>>6792953
>"Welcome to the chopping cock"
>Opens cloche
>Nothing is there
>Judges confused
>Geoffrey looks at Jack Scalfani
>Geoffrey knows that jack took BBQ man's Omelette because he was doing a food review of eggtastic
>"give it back Jack..."
>"I don't what your talking about!"
>Ted is frustrated that Jack is slowing down the process and goes through Jack's pocket
>Zarela Martinez's son is nearly shocked by the amount of pre-cum that Ted can produce in one sitting
>Then, it is revealed that Jack has attempted to borrow the oven
>"men can't be trusted," Alex says
>Le rocker's cock is nearly hard by Geoffrey's tumblr post
>BBQ man is wondering if that means he makes it to the next round as his family is in $8,000 debt for his experimentation's on gelatin based breast implants. He doesn't want to go back to selling piano tutors to deaf children
>Jack apologizes, but it seen that he truly doesn't mean it. He walks towards the other oven and starts to disassemble the knobs and starts his work on the door.

>>6792894
>More butter

Kek, continue

>>6793145
the tropes are over
Alex is SJW
Geoffrey is edgy
Aaron loves his mom
Ted is gay
Jack isn't even a cook

>>6793111
Im still waiting for this to be finished

>>6793168
>Aaron loves his mom
Also fake Mexican asshole

>>6791924
I would actually watch a Youtube Stars lineup of chefs.

>BASED CHEF JOHN MITZEWICH
>Jack "The Hack" Scalfani
>And 2 contestants nobody cares about who want the $10k so they can buy new cars of some shit.

I can just imagine Jack not knowing any of the basket ingredients.
Under cooking meat and serving it raw and bloody.
And then being told that he is the worst "Chef" to have ever come into the chopped kitchen.

>>6791892
The single best thing to ever happen on Chopped was when the bald manlet judge went full autistic on a chef because she "disrespected" the entire profession of cooking by using tongs to steady a piece of fish while she cut it, rather than using her hand.

He went so absolutely insane over it that I thought he was going to flip the table and walk out. Everyone was so visibly uncomfortable.

I need this story to be completed anon. Pls finish it I beg of you.

>>6794856
>touching food with your filthy hands
pleb

>>6794819
this tbh

>>6794856
I hate all of the judges, they're so fucking snooty. Except Zarkarian or however his name is spelled, and Amanda Freitag. The rest are arrogant cuntmunches.

>>6794930
Yeah, seriously. The guest judges are the only reprieve from the normal heavy fog of farts.

Also
>captcha asks for donuts, only offers 1 doughnut and 1 bagel
>clicking the bagel works

>>6792262
Yes this is a troll because I browse every day for every thread and I have made sure to read every mention you have ever made of being on chopped

>>6792362
>taking yourself and your failures so seriously that you can't acknowledge when you suck and learn to laugh at it

Coddled too much by mom detected

>>6793111
Thank you for this. I did not expect this thread to turn out this way and now I am more than extremely happy for its creation.

>>6793111
>it's then decided that BBQ man still must go
Round 2
>"Le Rocker, Asian Woman, Jack the hack, please open your baskets."
>"And we have: Bass,Dark Chocolate, Eggs, Jalapenos"
>"You have 30 minutes to create your dishes, and that time starts... Jack what the fuck are you doing? Is that a bottle of your famous BBQ sauce you just pulled out that Asian's ass?"
>"Right you are Ted"
>"Judges allow it as they signed a agreement earlier to not be bully to Jack"
>"Well ok..., and that time starts now"
>Asian woman runs over and grabs a wok and three cats from the pantry
>"Cat and bass is truly a delicious pairing Aaron notes as tries to fend off Geoffrey's advances."
>Geoffrey is wondering why Alex keeps trying to hit him and saying "i'll call the cops!"
>Le rocker notes that the dark chocolate is not from the trees closest to a singles child policy orphanage and refuses to use it.
>Alex says she will take one for the team and starts to eat the chocolate on le rocker's behalf.
>Le rocker says "bitch, wat you doin?"
>This angers Alex as she doesn't know how to feel offended and her chin hairs start to turn white.
>Asian women finishes skinning the cat and starts to fillet the feline
>Jack hasn't a clue how to open the Bass wrapping as he never seen fresh ingredients before
>Aaron helps Jack by suggesting Jack make a prayer to Aaron's mother for strength
>The cat and bass sizzle on the pan and Asian women seems to be making a fish taco with a jalapeno hollandaise
>"Only one more hour Oscar, and 10 minutes for you chefs"
>Jack has just finished all the chocolate
>He didn't like it
>Oh and he seems to have eaten le rocker's chocolate as well
>Le rocker just finished up frying her Asian inspired bass cakes with a chocolate and truffle garnish and fresh scallions.
>Jack has figured how to open the package and use now making personal sushi rolls for himself with jalapenos and a chocolate rice.

>>6794992
>Unknown to the rest of the world but Jack Scalfani can freeze spacetime
>this is when he spent three hours googling how to make sticky rice
>Eat then proceeds to make the sushi
>It's soft, supple, neat and discreet.
>it is then realized Jack Scalfani has made the best sushi ever known to man
>He eats the three he made and drops one
>He says "3 hour rule!" and eats it still
>Jack has made the same mistake
>Instead of possibly preparing a dishes for the judges to deliberate upon, he has eaten the food
>Ted notices this Zen like form of gluttony and calls in a doctor
>He says the doctor will be here soon
>Jack says b-but the food is right here and presents Ted and the judges with the bottle
>Ted lets this time slide but will still have to let doctor see him because i already promised him a bj
>"Times Up, chefs hands up and walk away!"
Message from our sponsors

>>6791924
you shouldnt of asked this, look wat you've done

>>6792822
Those ice cream machines never fucking finish in time, why are they even there?

>>6795212

the machines work fine. A lot of the time they accidentally overspin the ice cream (e.g ran it for too long).

What happens is that people either
A) try and start the ice cream too late in the battle
of
B) get the ingredient ratios wrong so it won't solidify no matter how long it runs. I've seen several times when someone put too much booze in the ice cream and the alcohol fucked the freezing process.

>>6795212
so people who know how to make ice cream can use them

>>6795245
its fairly often they leave it in way too long and its rock solid too

>>6794992
>Le rocker notes that the dark chocolate is not from the trees closest to a singles child policy orphanage and refuses to use it.
>Le rocker just finished up frying her Asian inspired bass cakes with a chocolate and truffle garnish and fresh scallions.

How did she make the sauce if she refused to use the chocolate, and then everyone else ate her chocolate?

0/10 consistency

>>6795369
k bye

u guys enjoying?

>>6795771
ys we are

>>6796022
imma drag it on for a few days, savor the posts fellas

>>6796377
Thank you so much

>>6796381
Lol damn, ur welcome
Imma huge jack scalfani anti fan, he's a loser and a poor presenter. So once someone mentioned him i got triggered

>>6792214
>Pulls out a sealed bottle of the best Teriyaki sauce ever made

Except you get disqualified for using your own brought ingredients, someone (I forget who, but I'm assuming he was a chocolatier, however you spell it) had a bag of cocoa nibs in his pocket and sprinkled them on and he was chopped solely because he brought an ingredient from outside.

>>6797258
it doesn't matter they signed a contract saying they cant bully jack

>>6792953
With how often Aaron actually talks about his mom, do you think he's willingly fucked her? He seems like the sort of person that'd be into incest like that.

>>6797270
no u cant fuck an angel

>>6795212
Because for like 2 seasons its was basically a guaranteed win if you made ice cream in the final round.

Bumping for thread survival

Continue the story plox

>>6799223
>he wins

I dont remember what season, but me and like 4 other people from my culinary school got to cook in like some pre eliminary bullshit for master chef like 3 years ago.
none of us passed though, the judges were real dicks.
they told me I was too short even for a girl and not the right personality they were looking for.

eitherway whatever.

>>6792894
>"Describe what my mother's son is having this evening," Aaron says

>>6795017
FINISH

>>6800675
Ew that's shitty of them

Has anybody taken caps?

>>6800699
this is the gayest gif i've ever seen

>>6801045
I would appreciate that honesty, tbh. I work in marketing and every day I watch people audition for commercial roles and we have to feed them bullshit excuses as to why we didn't choose them. Meanwhile, everyone talks behind their back about all of their shortcomings. If I were on the receiving end, Id want to be told I'm too short for that type of gig, or not the right personality. At least I'd know to stop trying in that particular market. Waste of my time.

>>6801288
I was gonna post something actually gay but how about just a man being forced to smell another man's ass on television

>>6792362
>Like you don't fucking know
I don't. Which one?

>>6795017
>Before judging Jack must see a psyvhologist
>It's Chef John
>He prescribes cayenne

>>6796444
>loser
>poor presenter

>spent days writing a shitty greentext story with 0 consistency, shitty tropes, JUST PURE SHIT.

0/10 presentation

>>6802891
i think he left, idk who ur talking to

>>6801288
Nothing gay about best bros being reunited

Top thread mr. greentext, top thread indeed

No. But I sing in a semi relevant death metal dick waving contest.

>>6802947
I was listening to some Origin earlier today.

>>6802952
Top kek

>>6802962
Antithesis is a masterpiece of tech death. I do not vouch for anything after.

>>6802977
Nor should you. Tips 15%.

>>6802981
Thank you for your contribution. Tips beanie.

>>6803000
Nice trips fucklord

>>6803010
Please don't reply to my trips with fatties.

>>6803010
Fuck off back to wherever you came from. Here, on the grown up boards, we don't give two fucks worth about dubs, trips, quads, whatever.

You fucking child.

>>6803029
>he has to call out his own trips

faggot nobody likes you thats why nobody checked them

>>6803029
K

>>6803035
Trips are pretty neat tbh

>>6803038
This man looks like he gives a nice, hard two-inch blasting.

My body is ready.

>>6803049
Prepare your sphinx faggot

>>6803043
omg trh smh csb tbh orp ctd 5 point contingency plan.

>>6803059
Now that I think of it, he kind of looks like what I imagine chris-chans real dad to look like

>>6803072
You're going to have to explain to all the black people what a father is.

>>6803060
not all of us can speak faggot. perhaps you can talk like a real person.

>>6803060
asl? Cyber?

>>6803129
13/f/cali

my name is brian...a

>>6803126
If you had a twin, you could put your heads together and come up with half a thought. I was making light of people who use abbreviations. I wish I had a smart audience.

>>6803132
Sry I only fuck with old dudes

>>6803140
i'm a grill

>>6801301
Yeah I guess.
I was just kind of upset they would pass me through like 3 seperate interviews to go to some kind of pre show cook and lose not cus of my food but how I looked.
Like why couldn't one of the first guys tell me I'm not tall and pretty?