/ck/ - Food & Cooking

They sent you home so they could make fun of you fainting like a little pussy.

>>6722522
>not eating it
you are missing a lot of nutrients boy

so you're obviously a woman

would you like to go out sometimes?

don't worry, if anything, I'll be doing the cooking


>you have to eat all the eggs

>>6722522

>mfw you get cursed by Santa Muerte

>>6722522
>open jar of salsa
>look inside
>completely covered in strange looking mold
>something falls off the mouth of the jar onto my hand
>panic and think moldy salsa is attacking me

Why the hell would you go home after that. Go throw up if you have to then get back to work.

>>6722522
>pour bowl of cereal
>add milk
>put spoonful into my mouth
>look at bowl
>hugeass beetle emerges from bowl
>don't eat cereal for years

>>6722522
>make instant oatmeal
>notice food on spoon is moving
>the bowl is full of tiny maggots
>all other packets were the same

What kind of faggot boss gives a COOK a day off for that?
I can't even get a day off when I'm sick or have gout.

This is some disgusting shit man why is there threads for this we all have to eat and now this is stuck in my head

>>6722522

Not really a horror story, unless you count how shamefully disgusting I am.

> making some kraft dinner
> get water boiling and open box
> notice strange grey things on sauce packet
> they're moving
> look closer
> dozens of tiny grey bugs in my spirals (each was smaller than a pin head)
> brief mental struggle over what to do
> rinse sauce packet
> cook macaroni
> "w-well at least they're clean since i'm boiling them, r-right?"
> start making homemade macaroni and cheese from then on

I accidentally killed my dog while making chicken stock once... :(

>>6723124
Pusseh

>>6723342
>Having a dog that isn't a large breed

I once had a roommate with a kid that she only feed cheerios from a dog bowl and I found out she she traded her other kid for a Toyota 4 runner

>>6723494
Fuck oregon and those stupid ass full sevice gas stations.

>>6722522
>pour bowl of cereal for breakfast
>there was no milk

>>6723494

I loved all those stories.

>I was very hungry one late night
>made pancake batter by hand
>never made pancakes before
>poured in all of the batter at once
>started cooking
>realizes I've never made pancakes in my life
>flips the ginormous pancake over
>completely black
>went to bed.. without any pancakes or food

>>6723494
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZciOEymZqA

>mom makes vegetable soup from leafy greens
>halfway through eating it
>notice a strange chunky leaf
>it's actually a dead caterpillar
>take it out and try not to think about it
>still finish it

>>6722947

Dear god there's like four different memes in here and I got them all

I need to go out more

This is a true story
>had a boyfriend who rescued a baby sparrow
>named him jack
>we had to feed jack every 2 hours when he was a chico
ONE DAY
>get into the alcohol the night before so I decided to sleep in while my bf cooks ribs for work
>I wake up to the sounds of crying
>I don't hear jacks squawks
>sleepily walk into the kitchen to find out that jack is now dead

Apparently, while my boyfriend was cooking he forgot to close the door to the cage. Jack was just learning to fly and flew into the pot of boiling water for the ribs. He took jack out but it was too late, bye jack :(. He cooked the ribs in the bird juice and ate them. WTF. Everyone still chirps him about it to this day.

>>6723188

You already had me disgusted at

> making some kraft dinner

>>6723112
#NotAllOatmeal

>>6723763
That's just sad as fuck

>>6723488
>Having a dog

>>6722522
Why did you get a day off for this? I don't get it

>>6723763
>>6723763
why the fuck would you have the birdcage so close to the kitchen for him to fly/glide into boiling water?

like, I can understand if it's a small apartment or something, but even then you can put him in the furthest corner or in the living room/area or something. you know, where you usually put pets/animals because you care about them, not so close to a fucking stove.

it just sounds like to me you and you're boyfriend initially had a "BAWWWW" moment when you rescued him, but then 5 seconds later you couldn't give two shits about his well being and didn't care anymore

you dumbfucks caused a sparrow's unnecessary suffering. should've just left him to die or at least took him to an animal shelter

>>6723869
Oh my god shut the fuck up. Birds fly around all the time, he flew into the kitchen for whatever reason. Honestly it's no ones fault, shit happens

>>6723898
Actually it's your boyfriend's fucking fault for leaving the cage open ya dumb cunt.

thank you. called bulat in many places. once had a pickled pigs foot, with a nail. cannot eat bulat. or snails you can say escargot. no thanks. How can you not like this? join the human club.

>>6723841
I'm guessing OP is a line cook who just discovered that his employer stocks dodgy eggs and was given the day off in exchange for his silence.

>>6723898
lol dumb roastie smh

>>6723188
You suddenly started stuttering? That IS horrific.

>>6723554
You better pour some water on that damn shit!

>>6723942
>bulat
I thought it was called balut?

>make first pizza
>everything is going ok
>optimal sauce, cheese ect.
>time to transfer it onto a pan
>realise I didn't flour the base with the force of a thousand wheats
>base sticks
>fuck
>attempt to remedy the situation by folding it onto itself calzone style
>pick it up and throw it onto the pan as fast as possible
>on the pan, just happens to be Jabba the hut reincarnate
>cooks unevenly and the juice/liquid comes out and amasses at the bottom of the oven

Was tasty though.

>>6723494
>camper shell

>>6724164
>I thought it was called balut?
I'm pretty sure it's blyat...

It's diffricult, sometimes, often.,frequntly.
>be at friend of a friends home
>Barbeued chicken
>bloody raw, burnt outside
>thought you liked rare
>be carnivore/omnivore
>thanks not feeing well
>I'll just have some of that salad
>thyme after time
>would not hurt anyones feelings
Rare and raw are different, particularly chicken, lamb and hog. or duck. please spare me "rare" or red duck or lamb.

>>6723118

>no day off when you have gout

remind me never to eat where you work

>>6723188

jesus fuck its just insects dude

the only disgusting thing is >kraft dinner

>>6723763

rip jack

>>6723763

>RIP JACK~

>>6723763
>RIP based jack

>>6723763
RIP in peace Jack

>>6722941

Are there more nutrients in a half-formed baby chicken egg than in a regular egg?

>>6724556

Nope. But there's zero nutrition from an egg which you didn't eat.

>>6723763
>Jack the Sparrow

faggot.

>>6722965
kek

>>6723737
I'm only getting "my name is Brian" and "all the eggs." Help me out.

>>6723118
This is true for most cooks. Unless you're super contagious or in the goddamn hospital you are at work.

>>6723651
When he says he named him OJ it kills me every time because of the white guy in the corner who is just loving it

>>6723494
now we just need the guy deep frying his hat at KFC and quinky sauce then we'll have all the memes :o)

>>6723763
>JACK YOU HAVE TO ANSWER ME, JACK!!

>>6723763
>"Everyone still chirps him to this day"

Wow what a relevant pun

>>6723763
He probably decided to kill himself when he saw your faggot bf getting ready to boil ribs.

Your boss gave you the day off for an egg incident at home?

>>6726036
>that faggotry
So gay

>>6724556
It's a closed system you dumbfuck.

Lrn 2 properties of matter

>>6722522
>rice in rice cooker while moving out of apartment
>too lazy to clean it out, I'll do it when I get back home
>accidentally forget and pack it away in the attic
>few months later move into another apartment
>remember the rice
>too scared to open it up, leave it in my closet for about half a year
>finally decide to clean it
>put on gloves and mouth cover
>open it up
>not so bad at all, just orange goop...
>wait
>it moves & ripples
>goop is full to the brim with tiny maggots
>throw entire rice cooker away

>>6723763
I hate to be that guy but I'm wondering if you were feeding that poor bird little bits of bread and didn't give him any water. He may have been thirsty as fuck and flew straight to water as soon as he saw some.

>>6723188
Doesn't matter bruh
>make mac and cheese
>get flour
>flour is full of pantry weevils

I hate eating.

>live in shitty townhouse as a kid
>find a half filled can of opened pepsi
>oh rad a free pepsi
>drink
>proceed to spit out a mouthful of roaches

>>6722941
Found the asian.

>>6726612
happened to me too, but with ants. i think ants are preferable in that situation.

>>6722522
>boss gives me the day off,

Why?

>>6724261
Do you even know what that is? It's crystals forming in joints, usually the big toe, but for me it's always an ankle and it can get unbelievably painful.

>wake up
>can't wait to try new cereal I got last night
>smoke a bowl
>come inside pour bowl of cereal
>pour milk
>lumpy thick cottage cheese looking milk ploops my bowl
>almost throw up
>still have not tried that cereal

>>6726033
topkek

>>6726612
dude never drink something you didnt track since it was opened. didnt your gramps tell you?

Goddammit, why the hell did I read any of these?

>>6726612
I have a similar, but slightly less stupid story:
>on vacation at family friend's house
>newly developed area in San Jose del Cabo, Mexico, so no running power yet
>everything lit by kerosene lamps
>it's summer, so it's like 90 degrees and humid in the middle of the night
>get up to get drink, but can't drink tap water in Mexico
>see Sprite bottle on table next to an empty glass
>get clean glass out of cupboard and pour myself a drink
>it's kerosene

>>6722522
>Passing up on free balut

You fucking faggot.

>>6726581

Some of the energy must have been wasted during the conversion, though. I can't imagine it's a perfect system.
Also, I should think some of the parts of the half-baby are unprocessable now and no longer available.

So eating OP's egg should probably net less nutrition. (But that's all assumptions)

>buy rollmops from time to time
>spot some kind of blister cluster on the skin of one one day

I WILL NEVER TOUCH THIS AGAIN

>>6728248
It was probably from when it was cooked

>>6723763

Who the fuck boils ribs?

>>6728278
British people.

>>6728254
Rollmops aren't cooked

>>6723763
Holy shit I wasn't expecting this many replies for this story. I can't stand that he boils ribs either, it has the consistency of a leather shoe, then again I'm not the one eating it. He's picky as f too.

Jack was an awesome bird when he was alive man. He just saw him cooking and wanted to fly on his shoulder I think. Anyways, RIP Jack

>work in a dominos
>the pizza cutter looks pretty dirty
>mushrooms and other toppings stuck to it
>cutting the pizzas is my job
>ask if they ever clean it during the day
>someone says "just do this" and bangs it on the inside of some container, knocking some mushrooms off into some dirty container

They were shit employers too, don't order from there

>buy some of this aloe vera shit
>it's natural, healthy and full of vitamin G
>crack that shit open
>tastes like koolaid with boogers in it
>literally boogers
>fuckin booger water

>>6728964
Tastes just fine to me anon

"why does this egg taste like pennies?"
Blood eggs are an entertaining, but inconvenient fact of life.

>>6727872
But most of the eggs you get aren't capable of forming chickens.
The real question is:
are eggs capable of forming chickens more nutritious than eggs that aren't?

>>6724258

>"Rare" chicken

No such thing. It's either fully cooked through, or I'm not touching it with a ten and a half foot pole.

>>6726779
Drink more water, son!

>open box of popsicles
>pull out what i think is a popsicle
>you know those white bags popsicles come in
>it was one of those
>but empty and sealed shut
>hitler didnt die for this

>>6723763
having a fully flighted bird means that toilets and pans need to be closed at all times

fuck you

>>6724137
>tfw memorized every line from Friday as a dumbass preteen

Even if I'm the only one who would still laugh at such a stale old joke, you made my day.

>>6726612
>be youngest of three brothers
>all of us loved soda
>more than water
>more than air
>more than earth
>more than fire
>more than our own beating hearts
>more than captain motherfucking planet
>god damn i loved captain planet
>older brothers take last 6-pack of sodas upstairs to share with their friends
>stay downstairs playing zelda alone bcuz autism
>hear brothers and friends leave
>scavengertime.webm
>open soda cans on hall shelf outside brother's room
>fuck yeah don't need to pick the lock again
>test them for weight
>second to last one still has some heft to it
>save me with your HFCS blood, O Jesus
>chug last drops
>something clunks against can's mouth
>ohfuckohfuck
>drop can
>8-10 cigarette butts spill on the floor
>sugar taste starts wearing off
>spittake.gif
>ashy soda all over the carpet
>proceed to vomit until parents come home

>>6723488
I read that as "large bread".

>>6726998
my gramps would've told me to eat the roaches cause that's what he would've eaten because he was starving back in China

>>6729708
That's superbly revolting. Did you get a nicotine buzz?

>>6722965
>think the moldy salsa is attacking me

>walk into the store
>look for something quick to eat
>"hot dough snack" looks good buy it
>eat it taste good
>buy it again
>only ate some hot dough that day in the morning
>wake up in the night
>pain intense pain run to the toilet
>in pain for what seems like 2 hours
>keep falling asleep while having liquid lava diarrhea shooting out
>liquid diarrhea lava gets into the small wounds from cleaning with toilet paper
>constant burning pain while failing asleep
>done after while
>did not want to be the only one that had to taste this hell so bought some for my brother
>he eats it
>next day hear that the toilet down stairs had diarrhea everywhere

Never again those hot dough snacks.
if you live in nl its from jumbo look in the deepfreeze for that fun

>>6724261
you retarded faggot.

>thinks gout is contagious

>be in middle school
>be in orchestra
>teacher wants us to sell boxes of mixed chocolate for shit percentage fundraiser
>sure thing, buy a box
>sell 4 bars, have a shit ton left
>never sell the rest and start enjoying the box myself over the next few months
>watching toons
>bite into another Crunch bar
>tongue feels weird
>look at bar, nothing there
>look at bottom of bar
>instead of crunchy rice find wriggly maggots
>never eat Crunch bars again

Under no circumstances drink pic related on any hallucinogen. It has the texture of semen with tadpoles in it.

>>6730802
I wouldn't drink that sober either, don't worry.

>>6728964
You're just a fucking pleb, or 12 years old. I bet you hate broccoli and brussels sprouts too because they TASTE LIKE BARF EEEW LOL

>>6723763
>>6723898
How the fuck is that no one's fault? If you leave a ceiling fan on and your bird flies into it, its still your fault. If the window is open, your fault. The cat is around? Your fault.

Have some fucking insight.

>>6730041
Nah, I got a compulsion to shake soda cans and listen for solid objects when I pick them up--even ones I've opened myself.

>>6722956
kek'd hard

>>6722522

Not super relevant but anyways:

>come home with take out one night
>mexican beef dish of some sort
>two bags
>get out of car in garage in set multiple bags down
>one of the mexican bags falls in between some boxes in the garage
>don't notice
>fast forward 3 weeks
>some horrible smell is in the garage
>find the bag of mexican food
>it's dissolved into a puddle of stinking goo
>hundreds of maggots crawling everywhere

I considered setting it on fire.

>>6731031
You seem mad

>>6723096
once i guy i knew called matt was eating bran flakes when he found a moth in 'em. moth eater matt, we called him.

>>6723726
You're more of a man than I am.
>12 years old
>sitting at the TV chilling out to Spongebob and eating a bowl of mac and cheese my mom made.
>feel something stringy brush my tongue
>there's fucking hair in my mouth
>dig the hair out with my hand
>really long hair
>pull it out feeling it rub around in my mouth as it uncoils
>once it's out I realize there's also a piece of macaroni stuck to the hair
And I've cooked my own meals ever since.

>>6726581
A closed system means that the mass doesn't change but the nutrients might change
Then again I'm no egg expert

>>6730740

I'm checking this shit out. Got a (dutch) name? I've got a Jumbo nearby.

>>6734326
eggspert

>>6734540
You know the horrible thing is I'm actually interested as well. I wanna try that shit out.

Just hope that guy comes back to the thread.

>>6722522
>Start eating pizza.
>Move a slice with plastic knife.
>See cooked roach under cheese.
>Never eat pizza with that plastic knife again.

>>6724556
Yes. Of course there are. Activate your eggs, and your nutritional intake will go through the roof.

>>6734540
>>6734563
i third this

>eating pick related
>good as fuck
>i feel like a god
>suddenly a lots of ants comes out from the package
>feel my troath funny

I went to check on a clinic but at least i got my money back and buy another one of those in a different store

Sorry for my bad english

>>6730796
karma's a bitch

>>6722522
>he doesn't know what balut is

>>6723511

U mad you pay the same price as us, but have to get out?

>>6722941
The egg is a closed system. All of the nutrients in the yolk are in the embryo, magical protein doesn't just appear because something is in the egg.

>>6726779
For you

>make toast with jelly one morning
>jelly was a tad more bitter than I remember but eat all of toast anyway
>look into jelly jar after, notice that its walls are entirely covered in fuzzy mold

Later that day have some of the most liquid shits I have ever had, it literally sounded like I was peeing for my butthole.

>>6735914
>used to work with 4'9" filipina qt.infinity, looked as young and adorable as could be
>she tells me how balut is a delicacy in her country, even though she thinks it's a little weird
>a little
>i'm trying not to gag

>>6734540
>>6734563
>>6734751
This is how the box looks,but its called something like "hete hapjes" just look for that box and long yellow things.
its not the loempia and be sure to check the back to see if it has pork in to be sure you got the right one.

>>6723763
>throwing out ribs because some dumb bird killed himself

lolno

>>6736141

I'm checking my jumbo today. Thanks (I guess).

>>6736141
>>6736438

I bought it. I can't eat it today (my girlfriend is staying over and that would just be... unwise), but I'll try them tomorrow. I hope this thread will still be up.

>>6722522
>Be cooking chili
> all the ingredients are in, the beef has been browned and the onions done right
> Kinda hungry though...
> Oh sure i'll have a cheez-it
> Stick hand in, feel all sorts of feelers and shit
>Throw box of cheez-its against the backsplash of stove
> box falls into chili
>try and rescue it
> Look into box
> Like 3 fuckhuge palmetto bugs running around in there
> Take the entire pot of chili I worked all morning on
> Dump into the trash can outside

Never again will I fucking put my hand inside of a box. Never.

>> all the ingredients are in, the beef has been browned and the onions done right

>beef and onions
>chili

ENJOY YOUR STEW

>>6736955
I figured an autist would come out of the woodworks with that. Was my grandmas recipe,she called it chili. Shes dead now,so i call it chili. Fuck off

>>6722522
>start eating some leftover scones
>fucking ants everywhere
>don't eat scones for years

>forget about the incident
>start eating scones again
>brother reminds me of fucking ants everywhere
>don't eat scones for another year

>>6736955
>implying chili isn't anything other than a peasant stew.
You're a fucking idiot, son.

>>6723763
Honestly I find the most disgusting part of this story the fact that he was boiling ribs lol

Also, you two are bad people. Why the fuck would you have a bird cage next to the area that you cook? Besides it possibly injuring or killing itself, you're risking getting all kinds of nasty shit in your food

>>6736935
I hope for you I just have a weak stomach.
I do not wish that hell upon anyone.

>Cooking novice
>Try making rice and beans because it sounds easy
>Recipe tells me to put a spoon of water in the pan
>I just put spices, including chilli in the pan seconds ago
>You can see where this is going
>Add water
>Fucking steam everywhere
>It's like fucking mustard gas
>I can't breathe
>Somehow finish making dinner
>It's literally the most boring thing I have ever eaten
>Almost choke like, 10 times because I keep coughing

>>6736935
What time will you be posting the result?

>>672252
>chopping parsely
>entire board becomes red
>move things around to find source
>find what looks like half a peanut all red and fleshy
>scratch head in wonder
> realize my hand hurts all of a sudden
>i have chopped half a cm off the tip of my index
I'm never smoking weed on the job ever again

>>6732185
You absolute madmen.

>>6726581

There is nothing more pathetic than a dumb person trying to pass off as smart.

How in the everloving fuck do properties of matter even apply here? Don't you know that there might be many chemical changes during the forming of an embryo?

>>6723112

Shit where do you get that oatmeal? I need my brotein and maggots are full of it.

>>6736948

and nothing of value was lost.

>>6726593

>>6724258

>>6723188
>Kraft Dinner
>Oh, honey.

>>6723096

>>6723763

>boling ribs
>jack the sparrow
>still chirps him
>faggot boyfriend crying over some dead boiled bird

memetastic

>>6723188
>kraft anything
Disgusting.
>>6723342
>dog stock
This is a thing.
>>6726998
This, never drink from an opened container that you have not had eyes on since opening.
>>6730740
>little cuts from tp
>not having a bidet
Hopefully you have learned.
>>6736955
All chili is a type of stew.
Chump.
>>6727047
I have done this.
Also:
>be 5 year old me
>taught to reuse same cup over and over throughout the day and leave it on the counter in a certain spot (to not dirty many dishes)
>push chair to sink
>grab cup and fill with tap water for 10th time that day
>drink half of cup in a single go
>immediately gag and vomit
>older brother (10) has decided it would be amusing to partially fill my cup with dish soap
>never trust brother ever ever again
Sorry bro, I still take everything you do and say with a grain of salt and a watchful eye.

>>6736985
>>6736965
>>6737259
>All chili is a type of stew.

I just wanted to make fun of /ck/ for its elitism when it comes to chili, sorry about your grandma

>>6737274
When you apologize, you make me feel just a tiny bit bad about insulting you.
Cut it out.

>>6737291