/ck/ - Food & Cooking

Must be left over from her days of having small kids running around. Gotta chop it up and get it in the pot, not giving a fuck about size or shape. Get those kids fed.

>>6504644
This.

/thread

OP, you should check out the original if you haven't

Marie's Homemade Italian Tomato Sauce from Italy or something like that

>four cans of contadina

>>6504648
I'm fucking confident in the sodium content yo

>>6504632

Where is this frmo?

>>6504789
from here, approximately

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jDGqtjcyxlQ

>women in charge of cooking
nope

>tfw no high test milf gf to cut onions for me

Do Americans really do this?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NerBE-JorMA

>>6504799

Can you even satisfy a grill like that if you don't have a 8"x6" dick brehs.....

>>6504807
Yes, Americans are known for their inability to use kitchen utensils.

>>6504847
Basketball Americans' only talent involves knife work.

>>6504866
Thought they were more proficient in glockwork

>>6505082
For all of the practice they get, you'd think they would be better shots. Niggers can't shoot worth shit

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBj9H6z6Uxw

Better way.

>>6504648
>tfw bought 4 cans of tomato puree instead of tomato sauce
What the fuck do I do with these

>>6504644
No. Her "method" is not only a bit dangerous and clumsy, but also takes longer.
>I wash my onions and garlic even though they're in protective skins because I'm THAT CAREFUL about my food

She's just terrible and devoid of self-awareness. Just like half of YouTube.

>>6505428
I was only guessing based on her mom-hands

>>6505428
>tfw I also wash my onions and garlic
It's a habit

>>6505447
That in itself isn't a crime or anything. The reason she's awful is because of the combination of doing silly things like that, then not having any practical skill or experience in the kitchen, her contradictory reasoning (GOTTA GO SAFE + knife horror), having a horrible recipe that is half oil, and half meh, and still thinking she has so much to offer the world that she has to video herself and put this stuff up on the Internet for everyone to benefit from.

I showed this to a couple of my chef friends a while back and they had a fit. And they're nothing fancy themselves.

Looks like one of those cheap as fuck steak knives. its probly dull as shit. might as well be using a butter knife.

>>6504647
>>6504790
I'm still wondering if this is an elaborate troll or just legitimate retardation.

>>6505472
It looked like a very sharp serrated knife. A dull knife would cause the onions to slip out everywhere when cutting.

>>6505486
Comments are blocked. So she's just legitimately garbage.

>>6505486
I think she was serious. Judging by the title cards and product it seem like this was intended to be a full series of videos but she stopped after making 2 videos after all the native feedback.

>>6505559
Jesus Christ.
I'm laughing so hard I'm getting on my roommates' nerves.

>>6504632
She's cute. I'd like her to be my mom and add in rough chopped onions in everything.

>>6505486
It is so specifically infuriating to anyone with actual cooking experience that it has to be a troll video, or a training thing for culinary students.

No matter how often I see that video, I never can wrap my head around what the cameraman is doing. It's like he just discovered that he can turn some parts of the lens and is absolutely fascinated by it

>>6505201
Or you could grate it?

Should we really be blaming her or the person in her family that taught her at a young age? She really doesn't know any better.

>>6505604
>She really doesn't know any better.
I don't make videos with tryhard titles about things I don't know shit about.

>>6505604
There's no excuse to not know any better when there's the Internet to find reasonably reliable information.
There's also no excuse to profess your expertise on said Internet when you are such an uninformed, inexperienced shitter.

>>6505608
>>6505609
But she THINKS this is the correct way to make sauce. It's what she was told and I'm sure it was written in some dusty old cookbook by her great grandmother that lived on an canola oil farm.

>>6505604
look at this whiteknight

>>6505604
>>6505612

Nice try, Marie, you dried out cunt

>>6505612
No, she THINKS this is the correct way because she made it up herself and is probably one of the 3 things she has ever tried to make. Anybody making enough content to fill a cookbook will have to encounter enough recipes to discover a decent ragu.

She's a fool on all levels. Just accept it.

>>6504866
>basketball americans
oh man I haven't heard that one before.

I wish she'd do more recipes, you know, to continue being horrified yet entertained

>>6504822
That actually seems like a pretty good idea.

>>6505720
That's how you know she was serious. She stopped.

>>6504822
If you work with food, as a actual job, you actually want something like that.
You save 20-60 seconds PER item.
>Manually cutting potato for potato salad
I don't fucking even

>>6505601
>Cooks trusting tools
You need to stay in the kitchen waif

Man every time I watch that video, I get a little sad.

That was some poor bastards mother. For years, some kid thought his mom made the best homemade red sauce. His friends got sauce from a jar, but not him, his mom loved him so much she slaved over an oil covered stove for almost 45 minutes so her little boy could eat well. Then one day he figured out that his mom was a goddawful cook, who had been pouring gallons of canola oil down his gullet for years.

"Johnny! I'm so glad you came home to see us! I made your favorite!"
"T-t-thanks mom, tastes great...."

>>6505762
My buddies tell me you just chop veggies and whatnot during downtime and keep it on hand for the rushes. So it's not a big deal.

>>6505779
To be fair, a normal/private person doesn't have any use for it.
I mean, you would at most make a kilo of potato salad per month, thats just flicking the knife a little at some boiled potatos.
Even cooking for 3 kids and a husband, its still no real amount.

>>6505769

thanks, now i'm sad too

>>6505664
hownew.ru

>>6505820
I don't use measuring spoons, but I devised my own largely arbitrary system so that it's still just as inconvenient but without the pesky accuracy!

What about meatballs for your tomato sauce?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FiRjxaNTWM

>>6505864
her notion that 4 seconds of cold water works to prevent cross contamination would be irksome if I couldn't take solace in the fact it will eventually make her sick.

>>6505864
>that's like... three shakes
Can she even count?

>>6505864
>secret ingredients is eggs

Alright, this is the first time I've seen this video, but I believe this is an elaborate troll.

>>6505864
I'm 2 minutes in and I'm already angry.

>>6505892
>gets anal about "even distribution" of spices
>mixes it all up with her hands anyway

>drops meat on a clean counter
>throws it away because reasons

>doesn't understand basic sanitation

>deep frying over "low flame"
>doesn't even let the excess oil drip off before she plates them

>that fucking camera work
Did she really look at this before uploading and think to herself, "yeah, this is perfect"? It wouldn't be so bad if she didn't seem to think that she's some sort of master of "authentic" Italian cooking.

>>6505896
Like I said before, she made 2 videos, silenced the comments section, and stopped. She was serious.
Some people are just that dumb.

>implying anyone is a worse cook than masaokis
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_YXN8PiFNM

>>6505864
Ok I'm pretty high right now but I don't think this is serious

>>6504632
>Italians
just let it happen broh

>>6505559
>>6505571
Ha, it's funny to see my masterpiece of food gore still floating around.
When I look at that now, all I think about is how angry I got having to legitimately TRY to chop everything that poorly. Fuck, that was awful. And it really did make me gag a little when I tasted it, from the canola oil.

>>6505958
meatballs when?
C'mon.
Do it.

>>6504790
what's the point of using garlic and onion powder when you're using both garlic and onions anyway?

>>6505982
clearly she's not confident in the garlic and onion content in her garlic and onion.

>>6505087
Greatest thread since the bubblebass burger

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FiRjxaNTWM&feature=youtu.be&t=3m50s

Wa la!

>>6505864

She does crack eggs alright. Shes uses two hand but does it fast and clean.

That is something I can say.

>>6506340
I noticed that as well. At this point, it's worth simply pointing out the things she *doesn't* utterly fuck up.
She also has pretty good looking cookware.

I'm oddly attracted to her. I bet she has a nice rack

>>6504632
dude dont make fun of a blind woman the fact that she is cooking at all is amazing

>>6505864
PLOP

>>6504632

Mom!

I posted it again!

>>6505864
>wa la

Does Marie cuck her husband?

>>6507231
yeah, with Jack's wife

>>6505924
He's in a league of his own, yeah, but I don't think he ever meant for his videos to be instructions in cooking.
The truly jarring aspect of Marie is that she really thinks she's teaching people how to cook.

I really wish people had held back on the comments so she'd have made more videos. Some lolcows must be milked gently damnit.

>>6505971
The meatballs are probably not that awful to eat, though.
The cringe in that one is mainly her weird obsession with cleanliness so the best we could hope for is a pic of Poor Bastard throwing away some perfectly good meat.

>>6505924
>talking shit about Masao
He's just too avant-garde for you, pleb.

>>6505769
nah the kids would cry as their mother slapdicked them into choking down half a pint of oil

That knife could not cut off a finger.

>>6507511
It could give you a nasty wound, though. Blunt knives are more dangerous to the user than sharp ones since they tend to slip without warning.
>>6507390
Even weirder is her obsession with "uniformly distributing" her spices... then she just mixes all the shit up in a bowl anyway.

>Marie's Homemade Italian Tomato Sauce from Italy
>Italian Tomato Sauce
>From Italy

It's oily and the onions are fucked, but the redundant title annoys me most of all

>>6507578
Especially since "homemade italian tomato sauce" apparently means "canned tomato sauce with a fuckload of canola oil for some reason".
Also, nothing says "Italian!" like garlic powder, onion powder, and black pepper on everything.

"Yeah, my great, great, great grand mother was half Italian, so cooking skills runs in the familiy. Let me show you have they REALLY do it in Italy."

why are all americans like this?

>>6507674
Italian American cuisine is really one of the worst I've tasted. It's ridden the coattails of pizza but is usually nothing but tonnes of tomatoes, meat and salt. Funnily the tomatoes actually make it one of the healthier cuisines here. Actual southern Italian cuisine is really good. Although even they do go crazy with the EVOO.

>>6505864
>a fair shake of my wrist

HOW MANY BREAD CRUMBS IS THAT MARIE

>>6506539

>>6507674
>americans americans americans americans americans americans

Why are all un-americans like this?

>>6505864
>As well as FRESH garlic

She says it like fresh garlic is some exotic concept.

>>6505864
I always use 87% chopmeat

>>6507674
Irish and Italians are the worst about this and I don't know why. I guess they have carried their 'minority' status with them all these years even though they are pretty much generic white Americans.

>>6505864
>approximately 4 eggs

>>6507674
>so cooking skills runs in the familiy
>cooking skills

What does that have to do with the Irish?

>>6507390
I suppose it's unfair to ask anon to cross contaminate his kitchen by using her method of "two Mississippi" of cold water, forget to do even that before handling the breadcrumbs package, placing cook/diningware on top of where the spilled beef hits the counter without cleaning it first to ensure spreading it even more, having to keep track of all that to clean when they're done, then waste 1/3 of the food, and then finally eat those oil-soaked meatballs.
But I would be entertained.
And sympathetic.

>>6507378
This. This is what propels her from mere shitty "cook" to full-blown human garbage.

>>6507686
Eh, the authenticity for authenticity's sake isn't something I can get behind. If it's a good dish, it's a good dish. People cooked what they had to work with in their homeland, and as immigrants to the US did just the same. Granted, freshness and quality and etc are always good, but when lots of "authentic" recipes were born of necessity and simplicity, it's silly to hold that on a pedestal of culinary perfection to never be altered.

>>6507691
approximately three shakes.

>>6508213
Three shakes and a little "zippady-doo-da".

>>6505924
>Masaokis
>Bad cook
I'll fight you, m8.

>>6505864
I would have sexual intercourse with her.

>>6505864

Of course she fucking fries them. She must have an oil fetish.

>>6508326
Frying is the first recourse for people who don't know how to cook. Baking is second.

>>6507511
You're probably more likely to cut off a finger with a blunt knife than with a sharp knife. You don't need to put a lot of force behind a sharp knife, so if you slip, you're likely to get a clean shallow cut that will heal in no time. With a blunt knife, not only do you have to put a lot more force behind the knife, the knife is more likely to slip. Slip with a blunt knife and you're gonna do some real damage.

>>6506432
I had never seen this woman before and I assumed she was blind.

>>6508052
None of my friends cook with fresh garlic. They all use jarred stuff. Bleh.

>>6505864
i really want to believe this is a troll video but im afraid its not

the meatballs probably taste alright because they're fucking impossible to fuck up but the video is even worse than the tomato sauce

the whole spreading meat out on a workspace to season it evenly, discarding meat that got dropped on that exact workspace and then the mixing i all together anyways really fucking rustled me

and of course she had to deep fry it for 20 minutes

>>6504632
This scares me. It always makes me uneasy when watching people who don't know how to cut properly.

>>6508558
Heard.

>>6505864
>separating to add ingredients evenly when you're just gonna stir it
>measuring spices by passes of a shaker
>assuming a second of running water over your hands will "not transfer any problems with the meat to the spices"
>throws away like a half pound of meat that was still to be cooked because it fell on the counter
>thinks the microbes on the counter will ruin the meatballs, but doesn't care to wash hands after handling raw meat
>uses spoon then hands
>carefully rolls meatballs, then slams them onto the plate
>"not every piece of meat gets seasoned properly" if you stir in spices
How bad are you at stirring?
>frying in 3 inches of oil over low heat
>adding aromatics and herbs to deep fry oil like it's a fucking saute
>that oil shine
Those things must be soggy with grease

I'm not even angry. This woman either had generations of bad cooking passed down or is genuinely autistic.

>>6508968
She devised a horrid "recipe" with no measurements and ALL the oil.
She thought it was good enough that everyone had to learn from her example.
She did this before engaging in any social awareness.
Twice.

Be mad.

>>6504632

this woman and shoenice would make a helluva couple.

>>6505864
She seems like the sort of woman that goes to church every week and throws away a double yoked egg because its the spawn of satin.

>>6504632
THIS FUCKING ANGERS ME AHHHHHHH

>>6504632
She's super retarded and a terrible cook but I would fuck the shit out of her and cum on exactly one quarter of her face.

>Absolutely Sweet Marie
>Queen Jane Approximately

>>6504632
>Makes meatballs
>Simmers in oil

These kind of people die young don't they.

>>6508968
>or is genuinely autistic.
See >>6506539
She PLOP her meat balls in the plate like Sheldon knocks 3 times.

>>6509926
>>6509926
god tier musician. above god tier album.

>>6505864
>throwing out that perfectly fine meat
>wa la

you guys are wayyyyyy too mad about this shit considering you probably don't actually know as much about cooking as you think you do.

like yeah she's clearly too dumb and insulated from the outside world to cook well but that doesn't make her a fucking false prophet or charlatan like some of you sperglords are saying.

and the forensic detail you guys go into when trying to shit on her usually just shows you don't know your shit.

>>6505505
The comments were disabled quite recently. Until then she had amassed a whole slew of outraged or insulting comments. Frankly I was amazed she bore it for that long.

I dont understand this /ck/ meme please explain

>>6509744
your sentence implies she gets double yolked eggs every week

dangling participle anon

>>6510500
We're not the ones putting up videos to "teach" people how to cook, fucker.
If some old lady sucks at chopping an onion that's fine with me, but she should not pretend to teach me how to fucking chop onions then.

Pretty sure this is therapy at an insane asylum.

>>6508370
Naturally, good cooks just WILL the food into a perfect state of doneness and then don't eat it because that would make them a fat american.

>dangerously close to cutting her fingers off

Stop exaggerating you closeted retards.