/ck/ - Food & Cooking

there is something oddly beautiful about that picture. and i mean that sincerely

you have accidentally created in this photo an art

>>6479203
I THINK ITS THE JUXTAPOSITION WITH LIGHT AND DARK AS A CENTRAL FOCAL POINT IN THE PICTURE. THE EGGS ARE FRAGILE AND THEIR CRACKED STATE AND DARK COLOR REPRESENTS THE NEGROES STRUGGLE FOR EQUALITY

>>6479172
>metaphysical representation of my hopes & dreams.

>>6479203
Maybe I did it subconsciously. My life right now is a forgotten pile of burnt eggs.

>>6479172
Trippy rainbows man.

Represents the skewed and dualistic nature of perception, and our desperate attempts to grasp actuality.

This thread is surprisingly depressing

That's art, man.

>>6479172
>Century eggs in 30 minutes!

Notice how the eggs have turned the same color and texture as the metal pot. They have become metal. The fragile eggs, in their destruction, have become something that can endure for centuries.

The eggs contain stars.
The eggs are made of stars.
We are made of stars.


We are the eggs.

>>6479321
The egg represents the universe. The pan is optionally a brane.

Sorry to bring you guys down.. Didn't mean to.

Maybe you can laugh at the fact that the eggs came from my neighbor's chickens, and they are now breathing in the fumes of what they think are their potential children.

>>6479329
,kek 10/10

>>6479321
I thought we were the chick, and the world was our egg?

>>6479329
Actually this thread is beautiful, after this post it is now a rom-com.

How the fuck did that happen, anyway? You were boiling eggs and then got distracted by a symphony you're composing or something?

>>6479547

Yes. I was hit with maddening inspiration and nothing else mattered. Now I have a hangover and no breakfast.

>>6479466
Something shell something crack etc.

I just tried to make some plaice that was a bit too old. I didn't have flour or butter so i roasted it in olive oil, pretty gross

Attempted Eggs #1

>>6480333

>>6479172
Look at the rays of light shining down on your broken eggs, anon. After suffering, THERE IS STILL HOPE.

You have a chance to find the sunshine if you keep on looking for the light.

>>6479172
Untitled #34, Anon.

Influenced from years of mindlessly browsing 4chan and the century egg wikipedia page, my work explores the ephemeral relationship between the body and its unwanted gifts.

Revolutionised from those times I went to /ck, I have been fascinated by the essential unreality of the universe. It began as a yearning, soon becoming manipulated into a tragedy of futility, resulting in only sense of unreality and the unlikelihood of a new synthesis.

Overall, spatial phenomena become burnt through a diligent and diverse practice, leaving the viewer with glimpses to the edges of our future.

>>6480421

god damn you are you an art major?

My gf is one and this is literally on par with the pretentious "statements" that accompany their openings. (although yours has better grammar and you actually use the words correctly)

OP if yr in school or near a university campus then you should get a nice print made of your pic, print off that "statement" and sneak it into a gallery opening. See how long it takes before someone awards you a prize for your "daring work".

>>6480460
Maybe I will. I've got a buddy that works in a print shop. I could get it printed on some nice pvc material.

don't have a pic, but last night i tried to grill chuck roast thinking that the heat would be low enough on an indirect fire set up to get it somewhat edible.

spoilers: it didn't, overcooked to hell :(

>make rice
>forget about rice
>hours later
>oh lawd smoke
>no smoke detector
>entire kitchen is smoke
>visibility: 0
>handle on lid of pot melting away

Pot was kill.

>>6479210
And failure, it appears, to have achieved it.

>>6479172
Composition: The egg and I by anon: instructions for a fuller life.

Step 1. Go on the Atkins diet for 1 month. No carbs, plenty of fat and protein.

Step 2. Break your diet by eating an egg prepared as pictured above, preferably a premium brand being free range and organic, from chickens that have access to pent of fresh air, green grass, Mozart and encouragement sessions. You must do this precisely 1 hour before bed time.

Step 3. Go to bed.

Step 4. Awake to stomach pain around 6am. Feel bloated and slightly nauseous.

Step 5. Emit a small test fart. If you do not immediately shit the bed, move to final step.

Step 6. Relax and enjoy. If you have accomplished all previous steps correctly, you will now be able to emit a fart of such magnitude, that it's massive volume will only exceeded slightly by the ferocity of its stench. Sewer gas is light and fruity by comparison. The zyklon b used by Hitler minions during the holocaust has a mild odor of paprika when compared to the putresence which your bowels will emit. Burnt rubber and oily grease fires are as air fresheners to the traumatized emission you will filter through your underpants.

A word of caution, once started your post Atkins Coddled Egg fart should not be suppressed under any circumstances. Rupture, fissure and even a fully evulsed rectum, complete with prolapse may result. Far better to deal with a high solids content in the flatulous ejecta than to have to resort to using a colostomy bag for six months while you recover.

>>6479210
>DARK COLOR REPRESENTS THE NEGROES STRUGGLE FOR EQUALITY
Genuinely bursted out loud at this point.

>>6480526
>bursted out loud

You need to get that checked, son.

>hungry
>put a pot of water to boil
>go back to my room and forget about it
>eventually smoke detector goes off
>oh shit
>pot is bright red and has dark crust on the bottom

And that's the story of how I managed to burn water.

One of my ex uni housemates left the oven glove on the stove (gas stove, open flame) and just walked off and it caught fire. I forgave her because she was a dopey hikki.

>>6480460
Actually just a biologist with a satirical streak. I write those "statements" quite a lot when making fun of humanities students in our student newspaper. The important thing is to state an egotistical inspiration and end with what the viewer may, or may not observe.

>>6480566
>forgetting hunger
how

>>6479172
It looks like you crushed King Tut's mummified testicles

>>6480587
>biologist
>actually just a biology major
Don't pretend to be something just because you major in it.

>>6480611
Honestly I don't know.

I think I was in the middle of working on a huge assignment or something.

>>6479217
How is that metaphysical? Metaphorical I get, but it's very much physical.

>>6480690
I have a job offer for being an ecotoxicologist, so by this July, I will be an actual biologist.

>raw eggs in pot
>add water and salt
>put on burner to boil
>expect delicious hard-boiled eggs in about 15 minutes
>leave to go do something
>forget about eggs
>about and hour later PANG PING PLANG from the other room
>all water evaporated
>burnt eggs rocketing across the bottom of the super-heated pan, shell flakes flying everywhere

been there before OP

>>6481700
At least your eggs had the will to attempt an escape. I think OP's just gave up.

>>6479325
>optionally a brane.

This thread is now legend and I hope someone is capping

>>6479172
Ugh I can fucking smell it through the internet

>>6479172
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYBsPv_BtOE

> be me
> girlfriend has a friend who's just escaped 'abusive relationship'
> begs me to let said girl stay in spare bedroom for undisclosed period of time
> nobody tells me she has three year old kid until after she moves in
> she only feeds the kid dry cheerios from a bowl like kibble for a dog
> leaves it out for days until kid eats it all, disregarding ants
> gets mad if you throw it away
> gets mad if you feed her kid real food
> the little shit isn't even close to potty trained
> found out she had another kid before but she traded it for Truck
> biggest fuck up in kitchen and in life

>>6479210
Not to mention those eggs didn't do nuffin.

>>6479210
>Century eggs
>>6479217
>>6479224
>>6479227
>>6479234
>>6479252
>>6479296
>cooking for taste and not for art
I bet you plebs only eat things that taste "good" too, and not challenging arthouse meals.

>>6481876
pls call the police about this if true

>>6481876
>found out she had another kid before but she traded it for Truck
Recall you posting in a thread some time ago.

>>6481876
How 2 trade children for Truck

>>6481885
She left some time ago so there's no point now.

>>6482126
Yeah it's a true story not copy pasta.
I've never told anyone irl so it helps me feel better to tell someone, even the internet

>>6482167
Some people wanted to take the kid off her, feeling it would be better off. Instead of going the legal rout, they gave her a Toyota four runner and she agreed to the deal

mom spent $75+ dollars on 4 prime porterhouse steaks.

>yeah, mom! i know how to cook them!"

i marinated the steaks in this mesquite and lime shit from a bottle. i also dumped in several tablespoons of dried papain meat tenderizer. i left the steaks soaking in this liquid for 2 DAYS.

when i finally got around to cooking the steaks, the result was horrifying. the meat tasted unbearably salty. the texture... i can't even describe it. it was mush, but just firm enough to hold a spongy shape.

>>6482336
why did you lie to your mother

>>6482336
>Using tenderizer on an expensive cut
>lying to mom
>Marinating an expensive cut for more than an hour or two
anon plz get good

OP here. I ran the attic fan all day with the windows open and it still smells like charred excrement in here. My friends had to leave. What have I done

Did the op actually try to cook century eggs? That would smell fukken awful... :(

>>6482316
>Some people wanted to take the kid off her, feeling it would be better off.
lets hope it went to a good home and is not some random basement dweller's slave

>>6482463

>>6481876

I remember that thread. It was superior grade rage inducing. maximum rustles

>>6482463

Don't feel bad one time I brought home a dead skunk at 2AM and put in the freezer and 3 of my roomates literally woke and went outside to hurl on the front stoop

> turning on burners and then walking away
> stoners: the thread

>>6481876
Holy shit it's you again

>>6480468
How do you not have a SD? It's 10 bucks.

>>6483337
whyyyyyyy

>>6483337
Why did you put a dead skunk in the freezer, Cletus?

>>6481876
I remember this from an earlier thread.
That woman should be fucking shot.

>>6479296
POTTERY

>>6479210

I left a ceramic pot on the stove to come to the boil for like five hours once.
I was fucking about to go to sleep too, walking through the dark kitchen and I saw a bright glow.
Upon closer inspection I find half of my stovetop glowing red hot, the ceramic pot completely blackened, the gas controls just barely starting to melt on one side.

The black came off, the pot was a-okay and so was the stovetop somehow.

First thing that comes to mind at mention of edible fuckup was a Lasagna my mother once made.
She was using her new grinder to grind fancy whole peppercorns over the meat, she didn't tighten the lid very well.
I spent like half an hour picking whole peppercorns off my plate.

>bagel in toaster oven for 6 hours while I play Sim city 4

>>6484227
Pizza in oven for 12 hours while we played GTAV and slept.

It made crackling noises for thirty minutes after I took it out of the oven.

>>6479466

>>6483678
>>6483980

Firstly I hit it and killed it and felt terrible, wanted to give it a proper funeral. Secondly was big into animal carcasses and wanted the skull but didn't have my hatchet in the car. It wasnt that bad at first i wrapped him in two garbage bags and figured the freezer would hold the smell down, but boyoboy was I wrong about that

> put oil in pan
> heat it up
> too hot but puts steak in
> burn steak

About the worst I have fucked up.

>>6484527
But why are you masturbating with it on the couch?

>Be me in middle school
>Want bacon
>Decide to cook bacon in toaster oven
>Bacon is now fire
>No fire extinguisher
>No way to smother the flames since it's in a toaster oven
>Grab the only dust-like substance I can find to spread over the flaming grease
>Fire is finally extinguished thanks to Kool-aid mix
>Throw toaster oven out the back door to let it cool off

>Be me in high school
>Put water on to boil to make something
>Forget about and and come downstairs hours later
>That smell... Not really burning but something in the air
>Pan is GLOWING BLUE and has a hole burned through the bottom of it
>No fire, luckily
>Throw pan out the back door to let it cool off

>>6484777
checked

lol'd @ the end

>>6484761
That's the guy that lives on my couch

>>6484783
Jackpot trips... My life is complete.

mushroom soup, steak chunks and onion straws in a hot pot for twenty hours on high. hotpot = ded.

Better than finding out in the morning that you need to throw away all your eggs.

>>6484988
fucking how, I've left them at room temp for a month and never had one go bad

>>6485036
Do you live in Antarctica? Shit needs refrigeration

>>6485036
>>6485186

http://www.latimes.com/food/dailydish/la-dd-heres-why-we-need-to-refrigerate-eggs-20140714-story.html

>tl;dr amerfats refrigerate eggs because salmonella is not properly contained in their third world shithole otherwise

>>6482336
To all anons do not marinate meat in acid for more than 6 hrs

>>6485186
>refrigeration

Dude you don't need to refrigerate eggs you're eating in 2 weaks

>>6485036
Shit just happens man, just bad luck.

>>6485196
If I marinate it for too long, will it taste bad?

one time i cooked up a big batch of Swedish butter cookies but i forgot the butter. they weren't very good so i tried giving them to my dog but he didn't like them either. this dog eats dead snapping turtles and alive pigeons and he wouldn't touch my fucked up cookies.

>>6485238
Dogs are just like that though. Mine loved carrots but didn't regard grapes as food.
>why are you putting that near my mouth
>stop trying to put that in my mouth

>>6485248
Smart dog.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grape_and_raisin_toxicity_in_dogs

>>6485206
it will be extremely overflavoured

>>6485265
Incredibly, actually.

>>6479172

>be 16
>be making bacon
>throwing the pan like a madman around the stove while cooking like i've seen TV chefs do
>perfect crispy bacon
>throw pan too hard
>bacon grease goes onto the fucking stove
>entire stove now alight
>grab fire extinguisher
>spray entire stove down
>gas now slowly leaking into the house
>decide to go for a smoke a few hours later
>wonder what gas smell is but push it off wondering how to explain it to mom
>lighter wont light, wont even spark
>decide to go to bed
>wake up with mom screaming, "WHAT THE FUCK ANON"

Thank god for that lighter not lighting. I'd be a fucking charred corpse.

>>6485238
>butter cookies but i forgot the butter

shit anonymous, you had ONE JOB

>>6481778
Yep that's where I lost it

>>6480950
Congrats!

>work as a cleaner
>Get to work early
>I wear gloves made of garment material under plastic gloves because latex is nasty
>wash them after every shift
>leave them on the windowsill til the next day to dry
>chilly morning so they're still damp
>hmm microwave...
>somehow listen to my fucking self and put them in the microwave for 10sec to fucking test my theory
>smoke and melted plastic
>Immediately flames
>apparently a synthetic blend material
>throw them into the sink to put out the fire
>Open all windows in the office and sit cold in shame
>tell others I don't notice any smell

>>6479172
My mother once tried to microwave frozen corn in one of those 90s plastic steamer pots and the pot melted into a lump inside the microwave. She tried to wash the corn off but most was permanently stuck on and the rest left tiny craters. Steamer pot was kill.

>>6485288
that's a big lie

>>6485485
For you

>>6479172
>be me
>get really interested in Japanese cuisine
>get a fascination for nabe
>decide to make nabe
>go to the grocery store and acquire ingredients; nappa cabbage, shitake mushrooms, green onion, veggies, etc.
>get home
>can't find a pot big enough for all the ingredients or a pot that looks pretty enough
>lightbulb.gif
>get the Crock Pot and take the actual pot out of it
>fill with fresh veggies, meat, and add the homemade broth
>put it on the stove
>med-high heat
>after cleaning up, go to the bathroom
>as I come back, hear a loud shatter
>come to the kitchen to find the pot had completely shattered on the stove
>veggies and broth
>all over the floor
>on and in the burner
>inside the fucking stove leaking into the cabinets below getting all over the pans and pots
>fucking disaster that took forever to clean up
>family eats frozen dinners

>>6485505
tl;dr don't put Crock Pot pot on stove.

>>6485383
You're a lucky nigga.

> live in a super tiny apartment
>small burner from my stove is not working properly
>test it but it really cannot hold a flame unless you are holding the button down
>give up and proceed to cook in other burners
>later that day, washing dishes
>what a funny smell I didn't leave this dirty dishes that long here
>ignores it, go to sleep
>two days later go to cook again
>small burner button is TURNED - aka gas leaking
>gas was leaking for nearly 3 days straight
>nothing exploded and I did not suffocate during the nights

I don't even know how did i forget that thing, I'm usually overly paranoid with gas burners, now even more. My luck was that the small burner is so fucked up/clogged/whatever it is that the leaking was so minor it did not lose enough gas to create a problem. It wasn't even smelling anymore on the 3rd day, I really just noticed because I went to cook and it was in a different position from the others.
Now I am really considering buying an induction stovetop

>>6484784

>>6485884

>>6485885

>>6485383
>Smells gas
>Probably nothing
>Tries to light a cig
>Goes to bed
>Is still alive to post this presumably years later

Goddamn it, Darwin! You've failed us so hard!