/ck/ - Food & Cooking

>>5843167

When I was 19 I had a roommate that was borderline retarded. She couldn't cook anything beyond prefab shit on a shingle. So it was surprising when she decided she wanted to make Thanksgiving dinner. She said she was going to do it all from scratch.

The day comes and I come home from work. She tells us that she made turkey and trimmings, with pumpkin pie and cheesecake for dessert. We weren't expecting anything stellar, but she seemed pretty proud of herself, so hopes were raised.

The turkey might have been made from sawdust and was barely helped by the room temperature jarred gravy. The potatoes and stuffing were boxed. There were no vegetables.
We were grateful for what we had and finished our plates.

Besides, we had dessert to look forward to. I fucking love cheesecake and make it all the time. I was excited to see how her first attempt at one would turn out. Plus mother fucking pie. Hell yes.
So she brings out the cheesecake, the pie, and the sad little aerosol can of whipped oil. She says she didn't make the crusts, but the fillings were all her.
The cheesecake, as it turned out, was "cheesecake flavored" Jell-o poured into a pre-made graham cracker crust. Oh, okay, ew.
But it's okay because there's still pumpkin pie. Store bought crust or not, there's still delicious squash custard crammed into it. It looked pretty good, aside from a few glaring cracks, but who cares? I took my first bite with high expectations and was caught completely off guard by the taste of plain baked pumpkin goo. She didn't spice it. She didn't add eggs or sweetener of any kind. She opened a can of pumpkin puree, spread it into a refrigerated pie crust, and baked it. She didn't understand what went wrong.

Not the most ridiculous story, but at the time I was utterly shocked at how a grown woman was so incapable of such simple tasks.

>chain eating ferrero rochers
>watching some ti4, not paying much attention to food
>reach last chocolate
> there's a lull in the game
> suddenly notice movement
> look down
> bug on my finger
> another bug crawling out of half opened wrapper
> turn on light and inspect chocolate
> whole fucking nest of them inside the shell
At least they didn't taste bad.

>working the fryer on fish night in a little restaurant
>breaded fish and beer battered pollock on sale
>fish going out left and right
>run out of beer batter and whip some up real quick
>some one wants beer battered fish
>NOW!!
>set the whip on the ledge of the fryer and it goes *plunk* into the grease
>reach into the grease to pull it out
>quickly realize my hand is in the grease and yank it out

Luckily I had batter all over that hand and never got burnt.

The Indian restaurant I order from knows me, so they know when I choose the "extra spicy" level for my curry, they don't have to hold back.

So I order my lamb curry extra spicy and get a stack of naan to go with it. So hot, so good.
Several hours later I feel like hell. Oh shit, I'm gonna puke. Up comes basically undigested curry and the spiciest bile ever to gush forth from a mouth/nose. The naan turned to clay in my stomach, making chocking up the florescent orange lava-curry even messier.
It was like projectile vomiting play dough and pepper spray.

my older brother wanted to try that kind of german pasta with jam. I was like 8yo and he was 15... and no internet.
The fact is that he didn't know that he didn't have to put salt in the water... tasted like pure shit. He tried to add dried spices like mint and I don't remember the others... brrrrr...
saturday I will be 31 and still remember too well that shit.
personally I think I've only used the wrong beer with grilled meat. And once no-one appreciated my pumpkin-amaretti gnocchi (too sweet)...

>>5843167
>making thanksgiving dinner
>cutting corn cobs in half
>wife needs to use part of counter so scoot over
>didn't double check my fingers before proceeding
ended up cutting the corner off my left thumb that day, got to sink before it could even bleed. a little super glue and i was good to go.

>>5843167
>Have date night with gf, female room mate and her bf
>Spend several days of prepping sides and a few hours on the day prepping the meal. Pretty expensive ingredients and quite a lot of them because the flavour balance is really delicate
>Serve everything up, with some sauces I made just for the event
>Bruh you got any sriracha?
>Taken aback I ask "Sriracha?"
>Yeah dude, it's like an Asian hot sauce.
>Uhhh, yeah. In the pantry
>He fucking douses my meal in the shit like a child with ketchup. It was so hard not to spend the entire night pouting.
>I made this whole story up.

>>5843445
sry bout ur sides, anon

>17 year old moi
>Move in with 35 year old fatty fat fat half sister.
>Don't know her too well, but seems okay
>She finds out I like to cook
>We have differing ideas of what qualifies as "cooking"
>Lazy fatty is picky and demanding
>Lazy fatty brags about cooking skills, yet never ever cooks
>Teenage nephews don't even know how to use a stove
>She has taught them nothing
>They make scrambled eggs in the microwave
>They are amazed at my ability to boil water
>Become official house chef
>Lazy fatty decides to teach me secret recipes so she doesn't ever have to make her own food again
>Ramen recipe:
>Cook one brick chicken ramen
>Drain all liquid
>Throw in an entire stick of butter
>Serve
>Absolutely no exaggeration

Life in that house was bizarre. This is tame. I'd never lived somewhere so trashy.

i was on break at a well-known regional fast-food chain when i went to make myself a milkshake. the mixer i wanted (heath) was back in storage, so i opened up the tub to discover a giant fucking rodent in the candy.

>>5843278
i've never worked a deep fryer (only a flattop) but i can't imagine why anyone would do this. of course there's a lot going on, but surely your evolutionary survival instincts are always flashing around grease, right? i bet your hand tastes delicious.

>>5843167
>get high
>get hungry
>turn on oven
>put pizza rolls in
>several hours later
>why am I so hungry I just ate
>oh wait
>pizza rolls in the oven are complete black
the disappointment was palpable because I tried to eat them anyway

>>5843890
I'm a clumsy retard that does stupid reactionary shit all the time, and I would never instinctively shove my fist into a hot fryer.

>>5843890
I worked at Krispy Kreme and knew three people that put their hands in the oil. If you drop something in there it's just reactionary to try and grab it. You don't even think you just do it and then go, "Why the fuck did I do that?" It happens way too many times to smart people than it really should

>>5843241
Oddly enough, I've always thought Ferrero Rochers looked like little wasp nests.

>>5843896
cackled.


loudly.

>making lasagna
>spend a good amount of time making sauce
>let it simmer for hours
>finally put lasagna in oven
>up in room doing stuff
>here the timer go off
>mega excited so I run down the stairs
>trip and break my ankle

RIP

got bacon grease in my eye twice. not really sure how but it wasnt as bad as it sounds

>>5843938
DON'T SAVE ME SAVE THE LASAGNA

>>5843896
did this and wasnt even high

>>5843167
Stayed in an apartment one as a room mate, roach fell from the cubboard. Never cooked there, always got take out after that.

Fucking NYC shithole in Chelsea. The rent was cheap and I needed that at the time.

The guy who owned the place was really cool, he just had no sence of cleanliness.

I knocked my tawa with hot oil on it off my stove and coated my thighs with hot oil. Luckily I had thick jeans on, so it wasn't so disastrous but I was rubbing salve on my thighs for a week

>>5843890

>get too busy to think

Just a reaction and usually I was on the grill. If I dropped anything on the grill I could just grab it up. I seen others, including the owner, do this stupid act. There were other times when I dropped tongs and almost reached into the oil, but would catch myself in the act.

>>5843966

Where da white women at?

I spilled hot oil all over my wrist.

Its been two years and I still have the burn mark.

A few years back my little brother set the microwave on fire trying to cook a bunch of marshmallows for fifteen minutes. It ending up shattering the glass turntable.

I had these stuffed scallop shells I was excited to try tonight so i got some Steak N Tatoes to go with it. I just moved in so I'm still learning the stove, which is deceptively hot and unbalanced. I decided to pan fry the potatoes and just burned them without actually cooking. the steak turned out well done. The scallops would not cook to the bottom.

There could have been one saving grace for the meal, but my roomate didnt get ketchup.

>be hostess at Dennys
>going into culinary program next year and have two jobs to save up for school. Tips at Dennys help out a lot surprisingly.
>yesterday we had a staff meeting for new menu for fall season
>lots of "how to cook" bullshit.... ALL OF IT DISGUSTINGLY WRONG!
>putting hot foods in freezer for days at a time only to reheat by. microwave later
>over cooking, over mixing, processed foods, jaded co workers

.... I need to leave before this place sucks out my soul

>>5843966
OH IT'S PIZZA

>>5843286
>Like projectile vomiting play dough and pepper spray.

Oh god.

>>5843878
Moar lazyfat stories pls.

>was clumsy, idiot child
>craving hard boiled eggs
>don't want to bother anyone to make them
>put two intact, raw eggs in a glass of water
>set microwave to 15 minutes
>cause that's usually how long they boil for
>and no one told me you can't microwave intact eggs
>a few minutes later hear a thunderous crack in the kitchen
>run in to see egg and glass shrapnel all over the kitchen and the microwave door blown open and full of over-cooked egg chunks
>kitchen reeks of sulfur farts
>start crying
>get grounded for breaking the microwave
>grandma bitches out parents for not teaching me not to do that

>>5844056
>only one permanent burn scar
You're adorable

>>5843878
>>5844220

A lot of the drama in that place wasn't food related, so I'll try not to go in to what an overall terrible person she is. But some snippets of her dietary habits seem relevant enough.

I want to give you an idea of how Lazy Fat lived. She sat on her bed, popped Vicodin and Xanax, smoked weed and cigarettes, and watched television and movies all day. She was (is) so fat that she is unable to close her legs due to her massive thighs. Her tits are at least a foot long and she could easily be mistaken for a trash bag full of beef stew. She did nothing. Ever. We were super poor, as I was the only one working and that was just fast food. Because I was still a minor, all the money went to her. This is important because it means she chose most of the groceries.

I did not handle a lot of this well and for a while could have been classified as an enabler. I was young and beta at times. She got mean quick if you didn't bend to her will.

Lazy Fat wouldn't eat non name brand food, no matter how broke we were. If I tried to be frugal, she would throw a tantrum. She was the pickiest person I have ever met.

Lazy Fat insisted on fast food (Usually Taco Bell, as they were just down the street) several times per week. She'd let my nephews pick something cheap and then for herself, she'd purchase several larger items which would be consumed over the course of the night. Of course she would order everything without anything resembling a vegetable. She would not get up to microwave her own leftover burrito, but instead scream for one of the boys or get me to do it.

>>5844482

Lazy Fat would hoard food under the pretense of rationing it out. "Those boys," she'd lament, "they eat everything in sight if you let them. I have to keep most of the food in my closet so they don't sneak any." Peanut butter, jelly, a loaf of bread, a tub of margarine, cans of Chef Boyardee (that were specifically for her and never anyone else), packages of cookies, huge bags of potato chips and crackers, ramen. Yes, she hoarded ramen. We were often at a point where there was no food in the house. Not the, "all we have is stuff I don't want," kind of no food. Literally down to one tortilla, half a bottle of ketchup, and a few packets of ramen to last four of us a week. She would demand all flavors but chicken be put in her closet because chicken was her least favorite (you know, when there wasn't a stick of butter to throw in it). Yes, she would not only deny the rest of the house a fair portion of our meager reserves, but would also condemn us to only the blandest of flavors. I lost 40 lbs over the course of a few months because there was not enough food to go around. Strange how she didn't lose a single pound.

>>5844486

Lazy Fat, on the day I moved in, decided to wow me with her glorious cooking skills. Homemade chicken and fettuccine alfredo were on the menu that evening, and from how excited everyone was, I expected something decent. At that time it hadn't occurred to me that everyone was excited about a real meal. The pasta, as it turns out, was just one of those pasta-roni boxes. Her special chicken recipe? She covered boneless, skinless chicken breasts in lemon pepper and then baked to approximately 190 degrees. That's it. She raved about how much everyone loved her cooking, claiming this exact meal has been known to give guys literal boners.
She also had a "wold famous" chicken stew: Throw whole boneless, skinless chicken breasts, halved potatoes, and quartered carrots into the crock-pot, then fill with water. Set to high. Periodically season with enough garlic salt to rub your tongue raw. That is the exact recipe and method. This is not in any way a joke and was, in fact, something she was quite proud of.

>>5844488

Lazy Fat had a vicious, yappy, thieving little dog that lived on her bed with her. This dog supposedly refused to eat dog food, so subsisted off pieces of everyone else's meals. Lazy Fat would demand everyone share with the little mongrel, even going so far as to decree that the last bite of everyone's food went to the dog, lest he "starve." Once your food was getting low, he'd start bitching at you. If you ate the last bite yourself, he'd pitch a fit and Lazy Fat would give him a treat in compensation. Even when the shelves were bare, we'd have hot dogs in the fridge. They were not for human consumption. They were the dog's main source of food and nobody was allowed to touch them. We'd go hungry while she fed her little shit-head dog the only food in the house. Or rather, while she had one of US feed him the only food in the house, so as to conserve her energy. The only time she would get up to do it was late at night after everyone went to bed, so she could snag a couple for herself without risking the kids asking for one.

>>5844488
How did you not sue for child abuse?

>>5844491

I know not all of these are about cooking, but these are some of the food related issues I dealt with on a daily basis.

Lazy Fat could not understand why she was fat. It was a goddamn mystery. "Anon," she'd whine, "why am I fat? I don't understand. It's not like I'm a closet eater." Which is true, I guess, considering she saw no need to hide her atrocious eating habits. I tried to explain the concept of calories to her. I tried to explain that at 5'2", she doesn't need half the food she ingests, which is all complete crap anyway. She is going to die if she keeps this up. If she gets a little peckish, she cries low blood sugar, so I'm not entirely sure she even knows what hunger feels like any more.

There are lots more, but these are off the top of my head.

>be 16
>camping with family
>stop at rest area, everyone does their business, me and dad drinking soda while we wait for the rest of the family
>lots of bees but we ignore/avoid them
>start driving around in the woods, everybody having a good time
>sip soda, sudden excruciating pain in lower lip
>can feel an insect wiggling on me
>dad pulls over and turns around in seat
>pulls out a massive knife and says "hold still"
>proceeds to grab my head and scrape the stinger out

my lip didnt swell up or anything so it was worth it, but thinking about drinking that soda with a bee floating in it for so long still makes me gag when i think about it

One time I woke up hungover and I went to make a salad for some reason. I started cutting into an avocado and before I knew it I had a huge, sharp knife digging into my left index finger pretty much to the bone.

It was awful.

>>5844482
>>5844486
>>5844488
>>5844491
>>5844506

I wouldn't call these horror stories but growing up I ate a lot of shitty food. My parents were gone most of the time so we ate a lot of fast food. I'd say nearly 5 out of 7 days a week my family ate Taco Bell, McDonald's, Burger King, etc..since it's what my parents would bring home super late at night. I literally started to get sick from all of it.

When we did eat at home, it'd be meals that at the time seemed good but looking back on it I think it was only because I was so desperate for something that didn't come from a drive-thru. It'd be things like frozen salsibery steak with powered mashed potatoes or stews made of nothing but canned vegetables. We had a lot of out-of-the-box meals which can sometimes be pretty alright but only when paired with something to balance out the lack of freshness.

Now that I'm on my own, I rarely buy frozen foods unless it's meat or a few select Vegetables-and even with that I'm picky on what I get but only because now I can control the quality of what I eat.

>>5844506

I need to know how it ends. How did you get away.

>>5844590
Yeah, keep posting, anon. I'm planning on capping these for later.

>>5844506

Every shift I got a free meal from the fast food joint I was working at. This is the only thing I ate most days. God forbid I took it home to eat it, because she would whine that she wanted it, then whine some more that it wasn't what she usually got (you know, because it was intended for me).
The day I turned 18, I was bumped up to opening supervisor, meaning I worked a minimum 10 hour shift five days a week and was presented with a manager card to use at my own discretion. It had the capability to give 50-100% discounts on food. She tried to send me to work with a list of stuff she wanted me to get her for free. I said no, as this could have gotten me fired, and then who would pay the damn bills? She pouted and continued trying to swindle me out of my daily meal.

When we did have a little money, it usually went to convenience foods because she was too lazy to grocery shop or cook. One of her favorite things were the prepackaged tuna sandwiches from the 7-11 down the street. She would get 2-4 at five dollars a pop. She needed so many because she would tear off the crust, along with any bread not soggy with the tuna/mayo mixture. She would throw away half the damn sandwiches because she was too good for crust. These disgusting, over priced wads of sandwich would be washed down with Diet Cherry Pepsi. That's all she ever drank.

>>5843167
I posted this story a year or two ago. Its been a while, but I remember most of the important bits.

Quick Version
>Be me
>Go to local community center to learn a bit about cooking
>Get sent in group, group "leader" is a tool to end all tools
>Sits on his ass for most of the class, lets the rest of the group do the work/clean-up
>When he does actually decides to do shit, he refuses to measure, half-asses everything, and generally ignores anything bordering on proper safety on the grounds that he "saw it on a cooking show"
>One day, Gordon Ramsey decides that he doesn't need to use a timer and starts a small fire.
>This is, of course, cross-contaminating half the god damn kitchen with his dirty ass knife.
>Then he decides its my fault
>mfw

>>5844604
*of course, after cross-contaminating

>>5844590
>How did you get away.

My eventual escape isn't all that interesting. I got tired of her shit. When I turned 18 and got the promotion I was making decent money. She became more controlling and expected me to continue paying her bills, cleaning the house, and buying her cigarettes. She started accusing me of holding back money from my checks.

One day her piece of shit husband (who was out of the picture half the time I was there) called her a bitch in front of my youngest nephew and I chewed him out for it. Lazy Fat got pissed at me and tore me a new one. So I just packed up a duffel bag and left that same day. It's not like I didn't have anywhere to go. After I turned 18 I was only staying there out of naive loyalty and Stockholm Syndrome. She finally laid on the straw that broke my back, so I left. At that point the kids weren't going to go hungry (hopefully) because Lazy Fat had recently been approved for food stamps. She didn't hold up her end of our agreement when I moved in the year before (helping me get situated to get my diploma and stuff). There was nothing keeping me there by then, so I left without a word and ignored her raging phone calls. She knew where I worked, but showing up there would require her to leave her house, so I felt I was safe.

>>5844617
>>5844592
>>5844506
>>5844491
>>5844488
>>5844486
>>5844482

Thanks anon. How are you doing now anon?

>>5844553
your dad is a badass

>>5844626

Over all life isn't exactly grand. It's been a really rough year.

But I'm away from my psychotic half sister and nothing on earth can force me to interact with her if I don't want to. So I guess I'm better off than I was when I was 17/18. I learned a lot from Lazy Fat. In the following years we did see each other and every time I'd think maybe things would be different. But they weren't. Thanks to her I'm just a little wiser than I would have been otherwise.

So yeah, I suppose I could be doing much worse. Thank you for asking.

>working sauté and sauces station in a busy high end italian restaurant
>VIP 10 top comes in for chefs tasting menu
>chef decides custom menu and gets the line working on it alongside normal busy dinner service
>rendering guanciale (on back burner) for chef and a firing a 4 top all salmon with wine sauce (all my station)
>another cook comes down the line as I'm working away from the range, brushes against the burners and inadvertently cranks them on high
>finish what I was working on, turn around, see $45 bucks of guanciale smoking and shriveled into little rocks, and my salmon skins sticking to the pan
>turn heat off both, decide to save the salmon by deglazing
>grab a bottle of white as my plastic container is MIA, pour a big glug in to a screaming hot pan from not far enough away
>bottle shatters in my hand, glass goes all down the line
>everything comes to a screeching halt
>I manage to mutter "holy shit!" Followed by "chef I burnt the guanciale"
>whole kitchen including chef burst out laughing
>chef comes over laughing and says "it's ok, but only this once. Start it over quick and I'll deal with it."

I ended up helping the Mexicans clean the line that night for my punishment. Coolest place I ever worked.

>>5844668
Also
>mfw

>>5844654
You seem like a really strong person, anon. I know it means nothing from a random person on /ck/ but I hope things start looking up for you a little more.

>>5844278

>>5844557

>>5844654
Your stories have me very angry and flustered. Glad you got out of there. At least the she-beast probably won't live long.

>>5844482

>She could easily be mistaken for a trash bag filled with beef stew.

Lost it, loudly.

>>5844812
I cringe every time. Once tried to get a candle nub out of a holder using a knife and it slipped. Down to the bone. I was not a smart kid.

>>5844783

Thank you. It means more than you might think. Since we're strangers on an anonymous Taiwanese fresco site you have no reason to blow smoke up my ass.

>>5844905

Didn't mean to rustle your jimmies anon. I was mad at her for a long time too. I still have a few things I can't let go, but for the most part I don't hate her. I nothing her. It's so much easier.

Thank you, /ck/, for making me appreciate my mother more.

also holy shit I just got a text captcha

>>5844951

Did your mother teach you not to stick your hand in a deep fryer? Because what I've gathered from this thread is that that is a thing that happens.

>>5844911
Oh wow, that old lady looks like one of the monsters from The Labyrinth.

Okay, this is the closest i can think of a "horror" story involving food.

>Be me
>Be 13
>Arizona
>At Albertsons with girl cousin of a year younger than me
>We love Pizza Rolls and beg our mothers for a box of it
>They comply
>Finish shooping
>We get in the car
> Female cousin ask aunt if she can have the pizza rolls with her
>Aunt agrees and goes gets out of the car to do something else
>We get the bright idea of opening the box
>*open box*
>Turns out that the inside of the box is filled with what looks like if Frankenstein's green-and-blue-colored shit looks like if it was brought back from the dead and decided to commit suicide by blowing themselves up

And that is why I rarely eat Pizza Rolls.

>>5843278
Been there, done that, also, once I was real busy and was finishing a Creme Brulee once torching it, saw a bubble forming, and threatening to burn/ruin it and get me in shit. I popped the bubble and felt dumb as fuck afterword, sugar is just hot as fuck superglue that takes skin off.

>>5845046
Here is a better idea of what the insides of the box looked like. Sweet dreams.

>>5843890
Yeah, did that once with a Cleveland Steamer, fuckin blister could have hid an easter egg

>high school junior
>stage crew! theatre manager
>work ass off for weeks preparing for The Wedding Singer (school had bad choice in musicals)
>opening night goes swingingly, some kid's mom brings a Godiva chocolate cake to the crew to celebrate
>roommate and I each have a slice
>middle of the night, all over my own face Hendrix-style
>puke 3 more times on the floor and in my bed, pass out in my own sick
>go to infirmary next morning
>bedridden for 3 days except for when I need to vomit and piss out my ass which is once an hour
>diarrhea bell rings! sitting on toilet when I puke on my own dick
>lay down on bathroom floor and cry
>final day of illness! try to manage a fart while in bed
>shart so hard it stains the infirmary bed sheets
>leave and never return to the infirmary so I don't have to look at the nurses

>>5845065
Jesus fucking christ anon. What was it like with it?

>>5845098
>stage crew!
I have no fucking idea why my ipad sometimes changes commas into exclamation marks

>>5845103
Um, i popped it right after the pic, i just rolled my chef coat sleeves down for a week, hit it with some antibiotic cream and gauze and shit. No scar anymore and no BS accident reports/emergency room/insurance charges involved. Showers sucked and so did work, but the #1 rule of kitchens is No Pussys Allowed.

>>5843167
I did this to my microwave by putting spaghetti in and cooking it for 1 hour instead of 1 minute. I was drunk

I also turned the stove on with a pot on it with nothing in it black out drunk and fell asleep. I woke up to a black pot.
I'm surprised Im not dead yet, it was on there for hours

>>5845065
Isn't a Cleveland steamer when you shit on someone's chest?

>>5845251
It is indeed! How very appropriate.

Here are a couple both painful...

1... Stupid me frying stuff with no shirt on, put something frozen in some hot oil and it spattered on me, luckily it didn't scar up too much. Stupid ice crystals on the food.

2. Drunk, was making something using both trys in my oven at 450 F, pulled out the top rack to take what I was making off, then went to grab the bottom rack, but it got stuck and my arm went right into the 450 degree top rack. That was a nasty burn that took about 3 months to heal. It wasn't a bad hit but it got all bubbly and red around it. It was really nasty looking.

Luckily none of those left scars that I detect anymore, I do remember it though and wont make the same mistakes twice.

I had a roommate that had terrible eating habits. This guy was pale as a ghost, depressed, frail, and had painful intestinal issues. His main meal was ramen noodles, "cooked" with warm water, which he then drained. Then he added about a cup of thousand island dressing to his sad noodles. Even as I became interested in cooking properly for myself and offered to help him eat better, he refused to deviate from his pattern of fasting all day and eating slop at night. Hope you're OK, Brendan.

>>5844506
This shit is probably long dead but

>Not a closet eater
>Literally has a closet in her room full of food

This shit is painful and I'm sorry anybody has to live with such filth

>>5843910
nah its reactionary to not touch shit that you can already feel the heat several inches away

My little sister always put ketchup on her pizza

So I'm sharing food with one of my flatmates

>I'm gonna make fried rice anon
>sure looking foward to it
>got home
>he's stir frying pakchoi (with a load of vegetable gravy-water inside)
>dump a whole bowl of rice in
>oh shit what the fuck are you doing
>"don't worry anon it might feel a little weird but the taste is okay I swear"
>fried rice is goopey rice

The next week

>it's your turn to cook faggot
>sure what do you want to eat
>whatever man, just use the vegetables
>got home
>see a pan full of disgusting brown stew with carrots and wilting chinese leaves
>what the fuck did you put it in
>oyster sauce, soy sauce, sesame oil, ginger, garlic
>"it might fell strange but the taste is okay"

>>5845429
what's so wrong with that?

2 worst things to happen in my cheffing career:

>Happy christian chef with the hot latina wife is making staff meals after a busy service
>There's 5 or 6 staff on, I'm sous chef
>One of the waitresses is vegetarian
>He accidentally puts jus on her meal
>Welp, we decide not to tell her and just serve it anyway
>You could just tell she could taste the rich beefy jus, no amount of veges is going to cover that up
>maximum cringe and awkward situation


>Doing a buffet dinner for some function
>Head chef has a broken leg so its just me and the new guy
>Can't remember the temperature to cook the roast beef to
>Cook it to 40C and then rest it in a cold breezy area
>Fail to realize what has happened
>Comes time to serve the beef, I'm slicing ham and roast beef for the customers at the end of the buffet
>Beef is stone cold rare
>Fucking white sinew refuses to be cut
>Stomach sinks
>We have failed to cook the beef.
Thankfully hardly anyone went for the beef anyway and I was able to salvage the end bits.


Weirdest shit:
>Doing a large wedding
>Buffet dinner
>Many of the guests are from overseas, Philippines or India or some shit.
>I serve them ham at the end of the Buffet
>The next day everyone at work gets REAL sick
>Turns out all the guests had gotten REAL sick the same night of the buffet
>They blame us for ruining the wedding, try to sue
>Turns out they infected US with something, hence why they got sick first, then us.
>most food poisoning has a 24hr incubation period. Highly unlikely you'll get sick on the same night as eating it.
>Its the same Buffet we always serve anyway and hasn't got anyone sick for the 10+ years the place has been open.

I'm trying to think of more horror stories, but most are just bad cuts and burns... nothing too special.

ok here's one:
>Staff party at work
>Gets loose as fuck
>next day someone had left the tap on upstairs and flooded the entire kitchen and downstairs area.
>Mfw I was the last to leave that night

>>5843167
Had a roommate once that had apparently never heard of hygiene.
Always left his food shit laying around in the kitchen. I mean empty meat packaging laying there for a week. Dirty dishes in the sink, rotting there for a week. All that shit.

And another roommate I had was absolutely retarded. He could cook relatively good though. Once he made pumpkin soup, but while mixing it he put the stick blender all the way in the pan, submerging the motor part. Of course it shorted out and I was left in the dark on the toilet while taking a crap.

>miss so many days of school they kick me out
>get a job as a cook for a resort hotel
>end up catering what would have been my own prom

It was an open kitchen and there were huge glass windows dividing us (they were all outside) but I still hid in the back area of the kitchen hoping no one would see me.

>>5845450
>They blame us for ruining the wedding, try to sue

those filthy fobs

The maintenance guy at the place I currently work blew himself up relighting the pilot light on our salamander. I don't know how long it was off for, but the explosion blew open all the doors in the kitchen and shattered 2 windows.

Strangely, he was almost completely fine.

>>5845437
I mean afterwards, on top of the pizza

>>5843224
I had a roommate around that age who literally did the 64 slices of American cheese thing from the Simpsons

one day she comes home with this huge bag of potatoes, I mean, she was a big girl and it was nearly as big as her, and we lived on this fifth floor walkup

everybody basically cooked for themselves and she was sick of living on prefab food and (I would guess) having to go shopping three times a week and come back with four carriers, when the rest of us would go once or twice and have to carry about a third as much up, so she decided she was going on this diet - nothing insane, just cutting back on extraneous calories, learning some basic recipes to fill in her meals midweek, although she cried when we suggested eating a whole pack of cheese in one sitting probably wasn't the best thing ever

so having lugged these potatoes up to the fifth floor and - somehow - onto the counter, she's really pleased with herself

then comes the big question: how do you bake a potato

walk over to the bag - the bag she's brought two miles on the bus and dragged up five storeys - and point to the instructions on the back

sweet as pie but dumber than Dumbo sometimes, it was like living with a cargo cultist

>>5845689
Your potato bags have instructions on how to cook potatoes? Weird.

>>5845691
sure, why not

what else would you even put there

>>5845704
I don't know, they don't really put anything on the back where I'm from as far as I know, on the front you've got the variety and maybe a few descriptors but nothing really other than that. I guess it's not a bad idea it's just I always think of them as such a basic ingredient that you wouldn't even need to bother with stuff like that.

>>5843966
I bet the pepperoni would still be delicious

>>5844472
> I'm a cook
> I automatically have to be covered in burns and lacerations

You suck at working in a kitchen. Being busy and working fast doesn't mean cutting yourself and being doused in hot oil.

I'm glad you're not in the military or operating machinery, you'd get people killed.

>>5843878
>>5844482
>>5844486
>>5844488
>>5844491
>>5844506
>>5844592
>>5844617
>>5844654
>>5844928
I just slowly and thoroughly read your whole saga over a cup of coffee. I really enjoyed it. Parts were funny, parts were sad, and most of it was rage-inducing.

Glad you're out of there mang, and that one anon is right, you sound like a strong person. You'd probably be a bro IRL.

Thanks for the story.

>>5844076
>There could have been one saving grace for the meal, but my roomate didnt get ketchup.
I think the saving thing is right there on the table, stoners eat anything with joy

>>5843989
exact same story here

The Anon has inspired me to share my own food nightmares with my mother and step father. Sadly. Food was all I had. Here:

>Mother divorces father while he is in service and is taking his nuts via child support
> He comes back to states but he is so poor he spends most of his extra money just to come get me from school in his old Jeep
>A lot of our time was spent side to side playing golden eye while eatng off brand oreos
> for dinner he would always make me "Barrack Chow": Rice and chicken. Broccoli and Chicken, Mashed tators and little strips of steak
> it wasnt much, but dad made it for me with his own two hands and taste didnt matter
> But then my mothers...
>She loved premade brand name easy foods like tv dinners and canned meals
>Didnt like cooking, and despite spending thousands of dollars on vacations with her husband owned only a single pan and a pot
> lots of plastic spoons, plates, bowls, and forks.
>fridge stock full of junk shit and soda
>if I wanted hot food that wasnt take out or taco bell I had to make it myself
>step dad would plop miracle whip on deli meat, roll it up, and eat it as is
>lose the fight and become an obese little kid because mother didnt give a fuck
>become addicted to junk food and lose taste for vegetables
>Dad goes over seas again, no support line at home now.
>years go by
>finally dad comes back and gets his life in order
>move in with him
>when I visit mother I always lose 5 lbs a weekend just from refusing to eat her shitty food
> Become a Step Father
> teach my little bear about proper eating and fiber and all that
>we bake bread together, I teach her how to make marinara and how to cook chicken
> her father uses my own military career against me and wins custody
>hes a fat shit who lives off of mcdonalds and canned corn
>I can already see her going through what I did
> War Is Coming

I retired from the Army and will be pursuing custody from Jabba. I wont sit and watch her become fat like I did and miss out on being a kid.

i was eighteen, so was my girlfriend, so we were both living with our respective parents. Her mother was a cunt not dissimilar to lazyfat as described above, always eating all the food leaving none for anyone else, occasionally just taking the plate away from you and eating it herself, etc. Anyway, i had a shitty part time job and had enough money to buy a nice takeout for me and my girlfriend (it was comfort food, she was down at the time due to her fat cunt mother being a generally psychotic bitch), so i shelled out $30 for a fucking full luxury pizza meal, including their delicious baked cookies for dessert. We thought fatcunt would be gone for the night, but she comes back early and starts fucking snuffling around the boxes, eventually finding the fucking cookies (there were only 2, one for me, one for my girlfriend). Having heard the noise from the kitchen we walked in, i went to the box to find one missing, not realising fatcunt had hidden it behind her back in her grubby little hands. my girlfriend was like "oh come on anon paid for this" and this carried on for a while with fatcunt refusing to give back the cookie. Eventually fatcunt screamed "FINE THEN, IF YOU'RE SO FUCKING SELFISH". and threw the cookie at the wall. My cookie. This fat bitch had taken my fucking cookie and thrown it.

As it hit the wall i "flinched", because i "didnt know how close she was behind me" and "accidentally" broke her fucking fat nose with my elbow. felt really good.

>>5845870
Go get her, soldier. Seriously, though, good on you for giving a shit and trying to do something about it.

>>5843367
>cutting corn cobs hahahahahahahahah oh god hahahahahahahahaha you know that snap right hahahahahahahaha

>>5845886
Its Mr. Veteran now. But i miss her playing in sticky dough and always adding too much suger to cinnamon rolls. She would always get this magical look when id go in the kitchen and shout "Bear!". Shed come running because she knew I wanted her to hold the mixer and beat the eggs...


> mfw I havent baked bread since she was taken

>>5844668
>rendering guan fat
>working the line at a high end Italian restaurant
p-pls Be a manzo line cook

>>5843966
ever leave the cardboard on the bottom sadfrog.jpg i have

>>5845720
When you're working with a stove for 10 hours a day that's constantly at a high of 600 degrees and you have to push out a max of 12 covers in the shortest amount of time possible, you're going to get burns, especially in the beginning

If you don't have a good amount of burn scars, you're being too careful and too slow

The fact that this person considers getting a burn scar their worst horror story is fucking hilarious, though.

>>5845870

>> War Is Coming

I got chills.
Good luck, man.

>Taking turns making pierogies in the steamer at work (Worked at an amusement park)
>Go to pull out the girls so I can put a new batch in
>Grab hot pads and pull her out
>Was working on instinct (I worked 14hrs a day 6 days a week)
>Didnt consider to check the pan before removing it from the chest high steamer
>Its overflowing with butter
>Boiling hot butter spills out on my leg and into my shoes
>Half dollar size burn on foot and my sock fused to my skin

Also
>Doing something next to the steamer
>its been cooking for about 30mins
>Dumb bitch opens it up while its still running
>Whips it right open
>Barely get my hand up over my face
>Hand 2nd degree burned. (By the way, steam burns are the worst burns of all)

Finally
>Cleaning fryers with Greasestrip
>We never used goggles or anything (We were told we didn't need to)
>Wearing just T-shirts, shorts, and food service gloves
>Get specs of chemical burns errywhere
>Someone unleashes the hose when I was burn over scrubbing
>GREASESTRIP IN MY EYE
> CRAWLING IN MY SKIN, MY EYE IT WILL NOT HEAL
>Hurt like a fucker for days, but no perm damage

>once saw people who mixed Sriracha and tartar sauce and added it to fries

>>5843870

Under8ed post

>>5843445
>making food for a girl's bf

You're either the biggest beta who ever lived or a faggot.

>>5845870

>Women have impossibly huge advantage in custody battles, men always end up getting fucked out of half their income and their children
>while the fucking man was in the armed services

I guess this is what happens when you raise women telling them that they are equals to men. You end up with the spiteful, entitled beast that is an american woman. Throughout all recorded history, men have always controlled women simply as a means to protect them from themselves. Left to their own devices, women are self destructive monsters that will attack anything as a means of trying to deal with their tempestuous emotions. Obviously, exceptional women defy this, but your average broodsow reacts to stress, fear, really any kind of emotional stimulus with an equally absurd emotional outburst. If a woman feels hated, she will hate. If she is sad, she will spread that sadness.

I don't advocate removing any rights women have obtained, or abusing them in any way. But the way our society works produces an endless stream of toxic, dysfunctional women who go berserk and destroy lives the moment the honeymoon effect wears off.

I have two stories. Not really horror stories, but me being a dumb kid, and not having any depth perception.

>be 7 or 8
>fucking love carrots
>normal sized carrots were always peeled for me (dunno why)
>be at grandmother's house
>fuck yea fresh carrots
>can't find peeler
>knife instead
>peeling away
>slip and cut into the pad of my left ring finger
>blood everywhere
>dad and uncle laugh and patch me up
It hurt like fuck, but I didn't cry.

And recently
>be 20
>nearly legally blind
>cooking pasta
>go to drain
>bump into something
>overcorrect my positioning
>spill boiling water all down the side of my right hand
>holyshit.bat

I ended up with mostly first degree burns, as I was quick enough with the cool water. It could have been infinitely worse.

>>5845240
this is some lord of the rings shit right here

Bit of an unorthodox story for this thread, but whatever.

>mom was very poor while I was growing up
>every night our meals consisted of baked beans and tortillas with sour cream in them
>one Christmas, we had Ramen for dinner
>grew up always thinking she was just a shitty cook
>she marries my current stepdad
>stepdad is rich
>can finally afford real food
>discover that my mom is the greatest cook in the world
>chicken-fried steak, chicken dumplings, crab legs
>still only ever eaten her cooking a few times because she "finds cooking tedious and boring"
>such wasted potential

>>5845118
I had two of that..

I slip and a pot full of boiling water goes over my wrists. ..

I just put some cold water on it and continue to work... after a moment I notice that my writs are swollen...

I do my job the next days... not a pussy...

>>5846224
this made my heart warm, anon.

Maybe suggest that you cook meals with her because you want to learn what she does? It'll teach you new shit, you'll get to eat good food, and it'll give her confidence.

Good luck, man.

>>5846262
You're right. Clearly she used to love to cook, but she never tells me about her past. Apparently it was traumatizing. Perhaps I can renew her love for cooking.

>>5845323

Haha I considered that while writing. Can't believe the irony didn't dawn on me when she first said that. Life is a funny thing.

>>5845737

Thanks, man. I've been meaning to tell some of my Lazy Fat tales, but never had a proper time/place to do it. I'm glad it was enjoyed.

>friend invites me over for dinner
>says he's making "Fennel chicken"
>ohboyherewego.jpg
>dinner is ready
>it's dry chicken breasts absolutely COVERED in fennel and anise
>it was ridiculously intense fennel flavoured.
>eat anyway because I dont wanna be a dick

I was burping licorice for like 2 days

>>5846306

Oh Jesus, that sounds horrible. I don't think I could even stomach that much fennel, even if the alternative were to appear dickish.
You're a good friend, Anon.

>>5846086
>steam burns are the worst burns of all

I think you mean sugar burns

>>5844482
>>5844486
>>5844488
>>5844491
>>5844506
Man, that reminds me of that one story with the downs syndrom feminist.

>>5843966
OH DAMN IT'S PIZZA

I had no clue what that was

How did that happen?

>>5845098

Holy fuck nigger did you ever find out what was wrong with that cake?

>>5845902
> You aren't a good truck driver unless you jack knife it a few times on the highway
> You aren't a good cop unless you take a few bullets to the torso
> You aren't a good cook unless you get covered in burning oil a few times

You're a fucking idiot, please go play in the deep fryer some more.

One of my in-laws was quite proud of her cooking skills and overall knowledge of food/nutrition. Nobody would tell her when she was wrong.

She claimed you could get your entire day's worth of fiber from one stick of celery. When I told her that wasn't right, she argued, citing nutrition classes she took in the 1960's.

She was incredibly proud of her pumpkin pie. It had a visible layer of lard over the top, like congealed bacon grease. So as not to hurt her feelings, we tried the pie, taking care to avoid the fat on top. I don't know what she did to this pie, but I can tell you what she didn't do. She didn't puree the pumpkin, leaving the pie with the stringy, clumpy texture of Jack-o-lantern guts. The thing tasted of cloves and despair.

She did not drain the grease from anything she made, nor did she cook it down as I've seen people do on this board. She just let it swim. I have a cast-iron stomach, but her food would regularly make us sick.

She found out I was a big fan of baking and tried to give me unsolicited advice. When she made a cake, it was always from a box. That's fine, I guess. But she would always make the frosting from scratch. It was equal parts vegetable shortening and powdered sugar with food coloring thrown in.

When I was pregnant, she tried to slip castor oil (reputed to kick-start labor, though that's likely an old wives tale) in my food. She would harass me daily, literally just screaming "CASTOR OIL" whenever she saw/heard me around. I told her no, so she tried to dose me.

She once asked me for one of my personal recipes. I happily wrote it down and gave her the paper. The next day, the copy I had given her was taped to our door. With changes written in red ink. She "corrected" my recipe for me.

When I would, at her request, cook or bake something for her to take to an event (church function, family reunion, etc.), she would take credit when people raved about the food.

>>5846422
>Man, that reminds me of that one story with the downs syndrom feminist.

Curious. Anyone have caps or anything?

>>5846134
Did you read the part about the father of the child being an asshole and using the Anon's military career against him?

>>5846422

The sad thing is how smart she thought she was. She would regularly cite her IQ as 138. She sincerely thought she was smarter than the average bear. Smarty-pants kids run in my dad's side of the family, but any natural intelligence she may have been born with has slipped away over the years. Her ego, however, has simply grown with her waistline.

She's not retarded, like mentally deficient (unless you count being fucking psychotic), but she's willfully oblivious. The mental gymnastics are astonishing.

>>5845240
>>5846157

>>5846416
Well actually all chemical burns are the worst (sugar counts as a chemical burn)

>>5846282
And cooking together is a great way to get into a woman's pants!

>>5846459
>She once asked me for one of my personal recipes. I happily wrote it down and gave her the paper. The next day, the copy I had given her was taped to our door. With changes written in red ink. She "corrected" my recipe for me.

Everything you posted about her was bad, but that made me rage hard.

>>5846463

Behold, the story of Feminus.

I think this is the first part. Let me see if I can find the rest.

>>5846463
>>5846544
Sorry, but my archives fail me.

Anyone got the rest of the story? I think there's something about the dog and the turkey in it.

I was around 10 y/o and my mother didn't know how to cook so she cooked up some nasty fucking fish and put it in the blender with beans and rice. I had to eat that.

>>5844911
Is that the "wat" lady

>>5845105
It makes the story very exciting

>>5845098
>stage crew!
>diarrhea bell rings!
>final day of illness!

>braise a rolled pork belly for 2 days
>want to crisp up the skin by shallow frying
>only pan that will fit it is fairly shallow
>belly is ridiculously soft and will tear through fingers under its own weight
>hope that it will become more sturdy after the outside crisps
> lift belly into 200C oil using three spatulas
>it rolls in and oil shoots up over it, nearly erupting over the sides
>sputtering like an absolute mother fucker as pockets of water in the skin burst open
>salvos of water are launched at my face, eyes, hands
>this was a stupid idea
>set about ladling the hot oil over the uncovered side
>smells fucking incredible
>housemate's boyfriend comes in and is laughing at my expression of amazement and terror
>keeps giving me advice
>shout at him to shut the fuck up, feel humiliated by how out of control this shit is
>finally start to get comfortable with it, it looks gorgeous
>time to lift it out
>turn off the heat
>realise i can't use the rubber spatulas to lift it out
>grasp middle with tongs, pray
>start lifting
>feels sturdy
>pull it out
>oil is fucking spilling out of it, i can't move it anywhere until it drains a bit, didn't prepare a rack over something heatproof
>draining starts to subside
>start moving it to the paper towels on the side
>belly splits in half and falls in the oil
>amber tsunami engulfs my arm
>scream and sizzle
>knock handle of pan
>pan levers over and spill around a litre of boiling oil onto floor
>i am barefoot

pork was delicious, i am disfigured

>>5846459

In-law liked to be around people who were easy to control and were too dumb, ignorant, or polite to question her. So there was this couple that were both mentally deficient. The guy had a whole host of physical and mental disorders, and the girl had been beaten in the head with a hammer when she was four. They were both unable to work, so they disability checks and all that. It's really a wonder they weren't in special care homes. In-law kept them around to enhance her epic martyrdom and validate her usefulness. She would regularly "help" them, especially with food.

She would go through our garbage and save things to give to them. If we threw out half a gallon of milk that was just about to go chunky, she would fish it out of the trash a day later to give to them. She once tried to take them yogurt that was months past expiration (you know, the yogurt that gets pushed to the back of the fridge and forgotten). I'm not particularly concerned with expiration dates, as I just go by how the food looks and smells. But I know better than to eat something that has obviously gone off, whereas this mostly unsupervised couple did not. We weren't always able to catch these shenanigans in time, leading the couple to get sick often, which considering the guy's frailty, is a big deal. She almost got him killed once after the doctor put him on a specific liquid diet and she convinced him to break it because she knew better.

>>5845870
>being a soldier
kek, what a retard i hope they bomb the shit out of you

>>5846649
Post pics of your burns

>>5846672

One time I wanted to try my hand at making cannoli. I didn't have the forms (the little rods you wrap the cookie around while you fry them), but during my research I came across a source that said dried manicotti shells work in a pinch as long as they are well oiled. It actually worked pretty well, all things considered. Of course, when I was all finished I threw the shells away. They were burnt up, oily little wrecks at that point, which cost me a total of two dollars. Later that day In-law said she was making manicotti for her church group. I knew immediately what happened. She saw the sad little noodles buried in the trash, dug them out, rinsed them off, and was in the process of using them. The church group regularly got fed ingredients harvested from the trash and never knew it.

She also attempted to feed my newborn daughter peanut butter cheesecake when I wasn't looking. As far as food went, she knew better than everyone else, apparently.

>>5846529
This is one of the few things she ever did that I couldn't just shrug off and giggle about later. I raged internally for days. Hell, it's four years later and my eye still twitches whenever I think about it.

>>5846544
this is one of the fakest sounding greentexts ive ever read, but if this lady is really as messed up in the head as OP said she was i dont see anything funny about her psychosis

>>5846707

agreed anon

4chan is way too full of these fabricated 'i met a feminist and she was crazy' bait stories

>>5846707
The average greentext is
>i know someone fat and crazy! they don't know any better! lololol!
remember kids, there's a difference between wacky hijinks "crazy" and mentally ill

My mother once set the toaster on fire while warming up Pop Tarts.

>>5846692
Did you (or anyone else) ever confront her about all the shit she pulled?

>>5846707
>>5846711
>>5846725
It does sound out of this world and believing greentexts is always eh...well, you know what I mean. Still, it's not that far off. I've worked with people with down's syndrome, and some of them can really go bonkers when out of control.

Also, this was posted long before the current feminist rage and it's not an integral part of the story, so I doubt the greentext was fabricated to make womyn look bad.

>>5846818
My mom once set the mini oven on fire because she was toasting hard tacos at my grandma's.

We're Asian.

>>5846544
>>5846585

This is just too over the top. I don't quite believe it, but I still need more. Someone, please?

>little me, like 10yrs ago
>helping my gran chop veg
>lets use the mandolin it'll be faster
>fuck cutting the little bits is so annoying, lets not use the guard
>slice!
>fuck fuck fuck
>this hurts what should I do
>shake it to show you're hurt
>blood up the walls, blood on the socks drying over the stove, blood on the cupboards, blood on the ceiling, blood everywhere

it wasn't even that big a cut, just into the pad of my finger

>>5846544
>>5846585
>>5846707
>>5846829
>>5846838

Alright, I managed to dig the remaining two parts up on Google.

Feminus continued, 1/2

>>5846889
Feminus continued, 2/2

>>5846829

I tried to be zen about most of it. Just avoided her when I could, ignored her when I couldn't avoid her, and gave her firm, but mostly respectful commands when she stepped too far over the line. Most of the time I would just tell her plainly when something wasn't okay. It didn't do any good to stop her, but she learned quickly that I was not someone she could bully and manipulate.

The only time I ever actually went off on her was when it had to do with my kid, like the cheesecake thing. You can't give a two month old fucking peanut butter cheesecake. She did it a lot, trying to feed my daughter all kinds of things she couldn't have. I usually just told her to stop and she'd drop it for a while. But the cheesecake incident happened in front of visiting family, so she was trying to assert dominance and all that. She would not let it drop and carried on right in front of me and everyone else. She was trying to make a point, I guess.
Being from the west coast, I don't typically use all those charming southern passive aggressive tactics she was used to dealing with. When I finally had enough, I made it clear that she was acting like a petulant child and I had no problem with keeping my kid away from people with no respect for her well being. Basically just laid it all out in front of witnesses, embarrassing the hell out of her and securing peace for the rest of the day.

So yeah, I confronted her on a regular basis, but it was very rarely eventful and almost never effective.

>>5846889
>>5846893

I think I might love you. Thank you, kind anon. You're doing God's work.

>>5846898

Oh, and her husband was very good natured and soft spoken, but every now and then when he saw her really pushing, he'd tell her to shut up. Most of the time he just ignored her, but when she was having a go at me, he'd usually back me up. I actually miss him quite a bit. It's a shame what he has to deal with on a daily basis.

>Be like 6 years old or something
>Mom is out, asshole babysitter and her asshole boyfriend is in
>Do something stupid (can't remember what) because I was 6 and 6-year-olds do stupid shit
>Babysitter force-feeds me an onion milkshake as punishment

I didn't really think much of it back then other than the fact that I hated onions as a kid, but looking back on it holy shit.

>>5846933

Jesus Christ, dude. Who the fuck does that? I want to know what inspired her. Like, what the hell even gave her that idea in the first place?

>>5846449
What does jack knifing a truck have to do with becoming a better driver? The whole idea of accidentally burning yourself is that you're working to become a quicker, more efficient cook, and sometimes that involves a towel slipping when reaching for an oven pan, or getting burned by the fat that flies off a seared foie

Your whole post just screams that you've never worked the hot line in a high end kitchen

>>5843896
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DELvF8KTfFg

>>5846134
Nice reading comprehension there, man.

>>5846101
did you not read the rest of the post?
or are you so petty that the thought of cooking for other people sounds outrageous?

>>5846900
No problem Anon. Between drinking myself to death and trying to have some terminal fun, I don't have much to do so it really wasn't a hassle or anything.

>>5846649
hahaha oh god

>>5846416
>Sugar burns

Never had one and no thanks actually you win

>>5846649
last line is priceless

>>5845870
I CAME FOR LAUGHS, NOT FEELS

BUT RECLAIM THE BEAR

>5-7 years old
>parents keep huge sacks of potatoes in the garage along with an extremely sharp knife for peeling
>think it's safe because kid can't open garage door
>one day, playing outside, forbidden garage door magically open
>wander inside, spot potatoes and knife
>"peel some taters, mom n dad'll be proud"
>that knife was really fucking sharp
>cut tip of index finger off til it just about hangs there
>blood absolutely everywhere, never seen so much blood ever again in my life
>remain calm
>proudly go to show mom who's outside in garden, blood trail following me
>she completely the whole shock
>rushed to hospital
>tip sown back onto finger
>doctors complain that I'm fucking dirty
>parents invested for negligence
>mfw

>>5846957
I dunno, but at the same time she gave my little brother and sister regular chocolate milkshakes, so she probably just wanted to punish me on two levels.

What does getting burned have to do with being a better cook. Accidentally burning yourself in no way indicates an improvement to your cooking skill, children burn themselves for the same reasons professional chefs do, they rush or dont pay attention and then an accident happens. If you want to rack up a bunch of pink patches though go ahead and keep slamming around the kitchen like a chimp under the false impression that your incompetency is covered by speed.

>>5843167

>obnoxious roommates

Well it's isn't much of a story, but my roommate thought it as okay to use Windex to clean a little foreman grill we had. He thought Windex was fine and was the same as soap. We were all a little worried what he had used that for previously after we found out.

Oh and I have a roommate who thinks white chickens eggs are bleached. She also thinks foster farms is a bad chicken producer because they have salmonella outbreaks often and have too many growth hormones, but honestly it doesn't really matter that much.

>>5847311
I'm saying this through the eyes of a professional cook

You need to not only do things perfectly, you need to do them really fast, and in the beginning, it's impossible not to get burned or cut here and there while you're trying to up your speed and precision

If you're just a home cook or you don't really in a high stress kitchen, then you don't really need to bother much with speed or perfection, but when it comes to being an actual professional, then that shit matters, and as I stated earlier, when you start off trying to become faster, more precise and more efficient, you're going to get some injuries along the way, it's only natural

>>5847219
>doctors complain that I'm fucking dirty
hahaha what, that's retarded

>>5846459
Your pie story reminded me of something

>Live in Michigan
>Huge raccoon problem in the woods around hometown
>Friend went camping and woke up with one on his chest because of a few candy wrappers in his tent
>Family and I go camping
>Step grandma bakes blueberry pie for us
>Crust looks mostly raw, filling is weird blackish brown color (not burnt black or anything) and has white chunks in it (it wasn't sugar)
>No one wants to try it, but we don't want to make her feel bad
>Leave pie on table over night for raccoons, figure we'd tell her we forgot to put it in car
>Wake up next morning
>Raccoons tore through 55 gallon steel drum that was our trashcan for a couple empty pop cans
>Shredded pop cans and raccoon blood strewn about
>Pie is untouched

tl;dr: raccoons would rather tear through a steel drum and injure themselves than eat my step grandma's cooking

>>5847358
>Oh and I have a roommate who thinks white chickens eggs are bleached
I'm not saying white chicken eggs ARE bleached, but for real, why are American eggs so blindingly white? None of them are like that where I'm from. Is it a different variety of chicken or something?

>>5846544
>Rippling Butterslabs

This term has given my life new meaning.

>>5843167
>Be late for work.
>Throw bagged, frozen hash browns in oil.
>Oil splatters like bitch but doable.
>Ladle out hash browns on to styrofoam plate.
>Find myself holding a ring of melted styrofoam.
>Giant mess of hash browns and oil to clean up off the floor.

Fucking Hell... That just tore through that fucking plate in less than a second. I didn't get to eat the whole damned day either.

>>5847525
There are both brown and white eggs, I'm pretty sure it's due to the way the chickens are raised as most 'Organic Eggs' are brown.

>>5845450
>rich, beefy jus

>>5847525
White eggs come from white chickens, brown eggs come from brown chickens, blue or green eggs come from chickens with dark blue or iridescent green feathers. It's nothing to do with how they are raised; it's just that in America the battery-raised hens are all the same breed, and that breed is white.

>>5847873
This is what they would like you to continue to believe, but brown eggs aren't automatically better for you than white eggs. People just trust them more because brown = "healthful organic farm-raised hens" and white = "evil industrial mass produced".

>>5846518
Wattafuck?

>>5847018
>>5846475
Butthurt women detected. The guy clearly mentioned at the beginning that his mother raped his father with alimony and used none of it to take care of him.

>>5846475

>taking his kid back
>being an asshole

He might be an asshole for not taking care of his kid properly but who doesn't want their child back?

>>5846690
This. Post pics of your burned feet..

>>5847925
I think it's because most eggs used to be brown in the good old days when they had little choice but to have "healthful organic farm-raised hens". Also, I suspect the white chicken breed has some benefit over the old school brown chickens since it seems to be pretty universal with white eggs.

>>5843224
thats the only kind of cheesecake I like

>>5846512

Chemical burns are when something comes into contact with your flesh and reacts. Acid causes chemical burns. Grease stripper causes chemical burns. Quicklime in the eyes causes chemical burns. Lye causes chemical burns.

Hot sugar does not cause chemical burns.

>>5846544
>>5846585

It's fictional as fuck, by the same author as another couple of stories I've seen that reference tardwranglers. Notably all three purport to be by different authors. It's also painfully unfunny, don't post the rest.

>>5848231
I call them wranglers, yet I am not the anon who posted that story
>logic

>be marine cook in Afganistan
>get pork delivery from USA
>making fresh pork sausages
>base attacked by taliban
>attach air compressor to sausage maker
>shoot pork sausages machine gun style at taliban
>talibans getting pork projectiled
>all talibans either choke to death or commit suicide

I was awarded the Meatorius Service Medal.

>>5846518
underrated post.
cooking with qts is a 10/10 activity

>>5848138

Pretty much all eggs over here in the UK are brown. Interestingly enough, conventional battery farming is more or less banned, and a good 50% of production is free range (I'd suspect that a lot of the battery farmed eggs end up in processed food). Compare this to America, where eggs are usually white, and 95% are battery farmed. Funnily enough, eggs used to be white over here too. I'd reckon that the truth of it is that the breed that you get the best yields from in battery farming happens to be white, and the one that reacts slightly better to having a little more space is brown.

>>5848236

It goes beyond that, the whole style of writing is identical, yet one story is from the perspective of a teenager still at school, one from a teacher, and one from an ex-chef. All the stories involve retarded people screeching, glaring, and generally acting in exactly the same way. It's not even funny.

>tripfag

>>5843241

>>5847932
Yeah, and he also mentioned that the father of his stepkid is about to do pretty much the same thing (minus the alimony, possibly, and it's not like I agree with the concept these days anyway. But the negligence is still there). So I'm not sure why you took it as an opportunity to hop up on your soapbox.

>>5848259
While that is probably true and he is the same guy most retards do act like that.

There was this one downy at my school who would, every lunch period, start dry humping chicks and charging into people- so what he is saying isn't totally out of proportion.

>I like to remain anonmouse

>>5848138
I think the shell of brown eggs are thicker?
When I go the odd white chicken egg (people give them to us for free sometimes), the white eggs were more fragile, easier to break.

>>5848287
the color doesn't mean anything, but for some reason brown eggs are usually the "healthier" higher quality ones, probably just to differentiate from the generic cheap white egg.

This is my parents/mums kitchen
>cupboard is stacked full of pots, pans, sieves, plates instead of separating the few essentials
>this results in being washed irregularly and stacked in the sink
>ditto for cutlery and other tools, all stashed in a drawer
>pots etc cluttering the hob and oven, both used and unused ones
>cupboard full of biscuits, oatbars, sometimes chocolate and crisps; nuts are considered "too fatty" to be healthy despite this
>other cupboard full of sauces, canned produce, easycook pasta/noodles and other things rarely used
>fridge full of crap food like bacon, jar sauces, cow milk, fruit juice, flavoured "yoghurt" (no live cultures)
>ditto for freezer: burgers, garlic bread, ready-meals, fatty meats, ice creams and ice lollies
>fruit bowl filled with non-organic, weeks-old fruit or veg
>using a fruit bowl instead of the recommended storage for each item
>storing aromatic stuff all in the one box
>rarely having fresh stuff in pantry

>breakfasts would be boxed cereals instead of proper grains, or fried sausage/egg/bacon instead of omelette
>lunch would be sandwich with processed meat such as ham or turkey
>overcooked, unseasoned frozen veg and meat with potatoes/chips instead of a complex carb would be dinner

>one small chopping board used for everything and nothing
>tea bags instead of loose leaf, milk and sugar sometimes used
>no teapot
>blended veg oil and regular olive oil instead of healthier oils
>white rice instead of brown
>packet sauces instead of homemade
>rarely use herbs, salt or pepper
>salad leaves are "too much bother"
>vegetables aren't the biggest portion
>baked beans instead of dried legumes
>fatty meats instead of fish or poultry
>no salad spinner
>small bowls unsuitable for salads
>no measuring equipment
>not caring about seasonal produce
>techniques limited to boiling, microwaving, frying and oven cooking
>not following the harvard food pyramid

Thank god I've decided to take it into my own hands.

>>5844482
>Lazy Fat wouldn't eat non name brand food, no matter how broke we were

>lived in a room-rent in a couple's house over the summer
>her bf was nice, real bro, bluecollar hard-worker, worked out, always offering to help me
>she was a lazy fat house-"wife", except she didn't cook (other than throwing a bag of prepackaged frozen crap in a pan.) Or do anything else.
>they were supposedly poor
>bitch always had brand-name everything
>I grew up poor--we never saw a brand name grocery item
>they got takeout every day, not kidding
>fat bitch had weird ideas about "cleaning"
>would spray lysol on the floor, not the floor cleaner one, regular spray sanitizer
>dried the sink out every time it was used. If I got water she'd bitch and huff and puff about it because the sink (basin of the sink) got wet
>would bitch that I was "in the kitchen like two and a half hours a day"
>I reheated oatmeal for breakfast, reheat leftovers for lunch, cooked big batches once or twice a week
>bitch literally never saw someone who could cook their own meals before
>mfw her bf always commented that my food smelled great

Bitch be as mad as she was fat.

>>5848250
If you don't like American eggs then piss off. Nobody is forcefeeding them down your throat like you eurofags are getting forcefed islamic bullshit and made in moscow cabbage rolls.

There's a reason that your nation is called britbongistan, sort it out if you're capable.

>>5845870
>> her father uses my own military career against me and wins custody

Dude, good luck. Go fuck that court system up. Don't let your little girl turn fatty. Damn, this is how we treat our veterans... Can you mail any politician or organization for assistance?

>>5848308
tl;dr version
>cluttered kitchen
>poorly stocked pantry
>convenience foods over homemade options
>quantity and price over quality and health
>folk wisdom over academic recommendations
>actually having sweets, crisps, chocolate, processed meats, easycook products
>rarely wash food before use
>basic lazy cooking skills

>>5848308
I'd lock you in a basement and force feed you Hungry Man dinners as loud, obnoxious Jewish music blared on speakers.

>>5848327
I would just puke up your readymade shit while you weren't looking.

Also would the music be Mahler? I can deal with that.

>>5846156
>>nearly legally blind

Well shit. At least you still manage to cook at all m8. I guess compensate with smell.

>spill boiling water

I spill boiling or near-boiling water on myself often and don't even flinch anymore. I was pouring boiling water into my thermos and spilled it on my hand...didn't even flinch. Housemate was fussing over me, but I said I was used to it. I've spilled an entire frenchpress worth of steaming hot tea or coffee down my front... not a burn or anything. I can pluck things out of boiling water with my fingers. Like some shitty superpower.

>>5848308
>i have it so hard with the average western kitchen, please pity my autism guys!

>>5848308
Is this a troll or do people actually think like this?

>>5846459
>When I was pregnant, she tried to slip castor oil (reputed to kick-start labor, though that's likely an old wives tale) in my food. She would harass me daily, literally just screaming "CASTOR OIL" whenever she saw/heard me around. I told her no, so she tried to dose me.

>tried to kill your kid before it is even born

Oh hell no. Get your hubby to tell her the fuck off.

>When she made a cake, it was always from a box.

I wouldn't even eat such garbage. Tastes like poverty.

>>5848308
>cupboard full of biscuits, oatbars, sometimes chocolate and crisps
>other cupboard full of sauces, canned produce, easycook pasta/noodles
>crap food like bacon, jar sauces, cow milk, fruit juice, flavoured "yoghurt" (no live cultures)
>burgers, garlic bread, fatty meats, ice creams and ice lollies
>fruit bowl filled with non-organic fruit or veg
>proper grains
>fried sausage/egg/bacon instead of omelette
>processed meat such as ham or turkey
>potatoes/chips instead of a complex carb
>tea bags instead of loose leaf, milk and sugar sometimes used
>white rice instead of brown
>vegetables aren't the biggest portion
>baked beans instead of dried legumes
>no salad spinner
>fatty meats instead of fish or poultry
>not caring about seasonal produce
2hipster4me

>>5848330
>I can pluck things out of boiling water with my fingers. Like some shitty superpower.
lel

http://english.alarabiya.net/en/variety/2013/03/28/Falafel-story-.html
>Gaza cook uses own hands to extract falafel from boiling oil

>>5848308
>food horror stories, let's hear em.
>horror stories

>>5848321
Calm down there Amerifriend, they weren't even being a dick.

I work in an open-kitchen higher end fast food place (just south of actually being a restaurant, basically).

One kid has, three times now, gone to grab something out of the fryer with his hands on my shifts. Lucky for him I have good hearing, peripheral vision and a loud voice. He has also nearly served raw chili to customers - as in decided to toss the rest of the ingredients on raw beef, throw the heat on for five minutes and put a big scoop of it into a bowl.

I've finally been given the go ahead to fire him.

This is the kind of shit that made me quit real restaurants... that and constantly being screamed at for not being able to cook calamari within 15 seconds of the chit coming in.

>>5848366
>not being able to cook calamari within 15 seconds of the chit coming in.

Man, I'd rather wait a few minutes than have something half-assed or the cook to hurt himself. Fuck those people.

>>5844553

Hope someone ie capping this for ck humour..

>>5848383
The job was awful, but the calamari did cook quickly - just tiny little squiddies, already in a buttermilk batter in bags - just dump into the deep fryer, shake for 90 seconds, and pile up as vertically as possible on a plate.

I left that place with a salute and a hearty (loud) all of you can fuck yourselves.

>>5848366
He sounds deeply autistic or someting

>>5845889
no lie I just choked up

>>5848431
Definitely something wrong with him. I'm going to miss his bullshit excuses. On boring days, they're the best part.

>>5848431

he sounds more like he's on fucking drugs

>>5848321

Insecure much? That wasn't a go at Americans, just pointing out that differences in production methods probably have something to do with it. The free range birds over here aren't much better off than the battery farmed ones.

As for countries getting taken over, muslims account for 5% of the population of the UK. Remind me again, how many wetbacks and niggers do you have over there?

>>5845889
can't handle the feels

>>5848462

The wetbacks and niggers aren't setting up Sharia law on our city streets.

>>5848474
No, they're just fucking killing each other/whites/kids with guns and annexing huge areas of your major cities

>>5848474
>>5848481
I wish all of the racists/conservatives in the world would all just fucking die.

>>5848490
>tolerant and progressive leftard wishing death and destruction on anyone that does not agree with them
Never seen that one before, nope.

>>5848490
Actually, I'm relatively liberal. I believe in the NHS, gay marriage, making lawyers employees of the state and the elimination of corporate influence on government. I just there's huge problems with latino/black gangs that aren't being addressed adequately because politicians. I know in your hipster ban the bomb mindset that's difficult to fathom, but you can be broadly left wing while still believing in the rule of law over vague ideological discourse on racial profiling.

>>5848501
*politicians are scared of appearing racist - no idea why that was cut

>>5843963
fuckin lol'd

>>5848474

Reports of Sharia are much exaggerated, that's a few loud muslims in the same way that Westboro are a few loud christians. The numbers involved in that kind of thing are tiny, and helpfully they've all pissed off to Syria so that we can legally kill them with airstrikes.

>>5848335

>I wouldn't even eat such garbage. Tastes like poverty.

yer a bit of a cunt aren't yer m8

>>5848322
>>5847159
All assistance programs cant help in legal matters or I would ask the Military Police Foundation. But I want to achieve this victory under my own sails so I can relish in yhe fact that I alone put him under my boot heel.

> RECLAIM THE BEAR

I laughed, then got kind sad. Heres a food "horror story" about Bear

>we are making cinnamon rolls again because theyre her favorite
>I walk away and tell her to put suger and cinnamon in the filling
> She grabs a cup of the white stuff and sprinkles a generous amount of the red stuff and rolls it all by herself
>I AM PROUD BEAR.jpg
>bake them up but man they dont s right
>she gets upset because she knows something isnt right
>I calm her down and explain that baking ks a learned skill and that mistakes happen
>we pull them out when they are done and lord they smell weird
>i peel one off and take a huge bite and get plenty of air in there while chewing
> spine convulses
>AUGH ITS SO SALTY
>DEAR GOD THAT PAPRIKA
> spit a hunk of roll across the kitchen ansld scramble for some vodka to kill the taste in my mouth
>after i compose myself i take out all of my spices and explain to bear what they are and are used for.

It was my fault for not just pulling the spices i needed and just setting the spice tray on the counter. Then my fault for running out of brown suger and not labeling my suger and salt containers

>>5844553

I have a similar story to this

>Go to an amusement park in Stockholm
>It's 400 km away from our home so it's was a pretty big deal for me and my 14 year old sister
>We get ice cream
>I choose a popsicle
>Summer with lots of flowers usually means a couple of bees and wasps flying around
>one of them lands on my popsicle
>I don't see it
>It gets itself stuck
>Just as I'm about to put the popsicled wasp in my mouth it stings me in the lower lip
>Get a swollen lip but don't complain much because I'm used to getting stung
>As a child one of them stung me in the penis

>>5847478
I know. I was dirty because I'd been playing outside, but apparently that explanation didn't fly with these guys. Nothing ever really came off the investigation. Still, funny.

>>5843362
>german pasta with jam

Wat

>>5843938
>spend a good amount of time making sauce
>let it simmer for hours

What for.

>>5846494
Is she Peggy Hill?

>>5844592
>I said no, as this could have gotten me fired, and then who would pay the damn bills? She pouted

Dude. I mean. Dude. This is just insane.

>>5845046

So they were mouldy? I don't know what Pizza Rolls or Ablertsons are

>>5845105
>>5846645

Made me laugh even more

>>5848680
>to reduce any water in the sauce
>to cook meat until it's tender
>to make you mad

>>5845432
>>"it might fell strange but the taste is okay"

This sounds like some kind of molestation story

>>5847918

Hot damn

>>5848676
dunno. It was something my brother heard about.
sort of pasta with jam.

>>5848930

Do you mean Dampfnudeln? Because I haven't heard of any "traditional" German pasta with jam.

>>5845460
That's kinda sad anon.

>>5848961
I really don't know...

>>5846649
Lol'd hard at the end

>>5848694
Underrated post

>>5843167

>Work in a charity (thrift) shop
>One of my jobs is to test all the electricals before pricing and shelving them
>Get a slow cooker in, could tell by the test label that it was one we'd already sold and had been returned.
>'Welp, I'll just clean all this water out of the bottom it and put it straight back on the shelf'
>'What the shit, this isn't water, it's oil'
>Gradually dawns on me that someone got it thinking it was a deep fat fryer, and returned it after it turned out not to deep fry so good.

>>5848329
No. Polka.

This, always.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAZXvSMj_BU

>>5844472
Thank you ;)

>>5845870
>it wasnt much, but dad made it for me with his own two hands and taste didnt matter
my dad was the same. every time i went to his house hed make pork chops. somehow he can retain knowledge just by looking at it once so after watching food network for a few years he is a good cook.
but i still remember waking up on his couch as a kid and seeing pork chops on the table

>>5845889
I.. I just wanted to read about food here..

>>5849680
Would you like me to share Bear stories?
>>5849655
My favorite was when he felt fancy and would make Spaghetti and meatballs. Hed plop down a big ole bowl of the stuff and we'd just get fork fulls out of it while watching blockbuster weekend rentals. It was expensive stuff (Read fresh tomatoes and beef) so he couldnt make a lot

>>5848623
>But I want to achieve this victory under my own sails so I can relish in yhe fact that I alone put him under my boot


While that would be sweet victory; don't limit your resources when the endgame is Bear's well-being.

>>5849687
>Would you like me to share Bear stories?
yes! I've got time for one more, but feel free to go on, I can always leave this tab up.

>really hungry
>went grocery shopping
>grumpy because hungry
>put everything some place
>want to make pasta with tuna, tomatoes, capers and anchovies
>start heating up the pan and the pot
>pan is getting hot
>want to get anchovies out of their jar
>stuck really tight together
>get frustrated and manage to spill most of the oil while getting two anchovies out
>put anchovies in
>fuck
>wonder why pot isn't at least heating up
>put capers into pan
>pot still doing nothing
>manage to knock over the jar of capers, forgot to put on lid
>fuck
>what's that smell
>realise I turned on the wrong hob
>realise I turned on the hob where I put my tomatoes, still encased in plastic
>plastic melted onto hob, tomatoes popped open, leaking all over the stove
>fuck
>start trying to get plastic off hob
>what's that smell
>forgot about the pan
>capers and anchovies burnt to hell
>fuck
>open tuna can
>ring broke off
>fuck
>have to use can opener
>throw in tuna
>hot oil splatters onto my hands
>continue cleaning up
>pour some diced tomatoes and some water into the pan after some time
>water finally starts boiling
>put in pasta
>forgot to turn down the heat on the pan
>tomato bubbles exploding all over my kitchen
>splatter attack of tomatoes everywhere
>fuck

It was just one of those days.

>>5847266
tell your babysitter i said thanks im using this on my kids.

Just sliced the tips of my 2 fingers off at work while using the slicer to make guanciale strips

I'd post pics but they're bandaged and hurt way too much

>>5849693
Bear Discovers the Vitamix:

>like me bear likes her sauces smooth and unchunky, unlike her mother
> When we make Spaghetti or Soups i always take half and blend it smooth for us
> Tonight is spadetty and meatbarz
>while the wife and i are mashing up garlic and butter, Bear finds the sauce not to her liking
>Keep in mind the lid was off because i dipped a spoon in there to plop some sauce on some plain bread before we smeared on the garlic butter
>to get her preferred smoothness she flicks on the blender and flicks up the RPM slider
>all we hear is the engine roaring and her screaming
>we both spin around to see her pulling the plug of the blender while covered in smooth marinara
> her face of shock when she just looks up at us whuke holding the cord
>Theres a silence, framed by the sound of marinara plopping from the ceiling
>"Oops." Says Bear

I had thought she got her damn hand in there and almost had a heart attack

>>5848244

>>5849705
I know this.

Certainly not to the level of disaster you experienced, but nonetheless relate-able.

>>5849713
I love it. She sounds like a good kitchen buddy.

>>5849687
yeah when my dad was feelin fancy hed make eggs and bacon for breakfast. hed make a shitload for my brother and i and not even eat it.
that was always the best since he worked a lot and the weekend was his time ti relax but he always made sure we were ok, even if it meant not getting some extra rest

>>5848623
>>5849713
Bear Learns About Handmixers

>Making Irish Brown Bread, a sticky batter bread made from molasses
> The Bear is attached to my leg, literally sitting on my foot, and demanding to mix the batter
>I WANNA DO TGE BAATTTEEEERRRRRR
>i just roll my eyes and mix the egg, brown suger and molasses together with a whisk
>she just wont let up
>I
>WAAANNNNAAA
>MMIIIIXXXX
>TTTHHEEEEE
>BAAAATTEEEERRRRRRR
>"ALRIGHT" I bellow and throw my hands in the air, and she detaches like a little possum baby
>while i get the dry goods ready she fishes out the hand mixer
>she inserts the spindles making gun noises as if shes inserting a magazine
>i poor the wet into a well within the dry and sit on the floor
>with blood thirsty eagerness she whirs the spindles and dunks them right into the flour
>"BEAR WAI-FOOF" is all i get out before i get clobbered with flour
> Bear pays no mind and happily blends away while making whirrig noises with her mouth
> Wife comes over and dusts me off in time for Bear to incorporate the wet fully
> Bear rides the rim while not keeping the spindles deep enough
> Im now covered in sticky bread batter
> The wife tells her its mixed and she screams I AM THE MIXING QUEEN
> im still covered in flour and batter, and some even got up my Nose

Pic related is her face when she mixes

a couple of stupid stories

>be art student
>doing landscapes on campus early in the morning
>bring an apple for breakfast
>take two bites out of apple
>a bee suddenly lands right on the bite mark
>panic and throw the apple as far and hard as I can
>mfw the bee won

I hope it was good, bee.

>moving out of state, decide to visit local sports bar one last time
>get "loaded buffalo fries"
>basically seasoned fries with strips of chicken drenched in buffalo sauce and cheese with a shitty salad and ranch dressing on top
>an hour later, not feeling great
>suddenly pissing out of my ass and mouth simultaneously
>on the toilet at least once an hour for two days shitting and puking into my lap
>can't eat or drink anything without puking for days, can't eat or drink anything more solid than jello and crackers for a month
>guess i wasn't going back there anyway

and then

>be eating tuna salad on crackers
>crackers have been in the pantry for a little while so they are sort of stale but otherwise fine
>getting towards bottom of package, crackers are increasingly crumbly
>something almost stringy in my mouth
>look at package
>worms
>oh god worms
>eggs
>worm eggs all over my crackers
>worm eggs in my mouth
>eggs
>eggs
>eggs

I didn't eat Ritz crackers for more than a year after that.

My dad cooks not too often, and when does it's never really anything mind blowing, infact sometimes he burns stuff a little or it just doesn't taste that good. I always, no matter what tell him it's awesome, I don't have the heart to tell him if something's off, and even it's nothing to write home about, I exaggerate how good it is to make him feel good.

>>5849772

Haha, that's wonderful.
go get your bear back.

>Be pizza cook at new job.
>Reach into pizza oven to stab air bubble in pizza.
>Arm leans on oven door.

Photo taken about 2 weeks later.

>>5849829

That's what you get for trying to stab delicious air bubbles

>be me, maybe 11 years old
>walking home from store up the street
>enjoying chocolate milk and a chocolate bar
>see a pool of something on my hand
>"oh the chocolate must have melted, better slurp that shit up"
>it's literally shit
>bird shit
>I ate a mouthful of bird shit
>fucking disgusting

>gulp down some chocolate milk and take a bite of my chocolate bar
>ah that's better

typicalfatstories.jpg

>>5849772

/ck/ is now Team Bear. You do your thing right man. Kids need a dad that loves

>>5850046
Who the fuck made you board spokesman?

Stories of my Lazy Bulimic Mom. I'll tell the story of her uprising and downfall, if anyone wants to read more.

>LB was your ideal feminist
>hairy armpits
>smelled like shit
>hairy legs
>rarely showered
>didn't wear makeup
>didn't wear nice clothes
>fucking horrid to be around
>but there's a catch
>she was pro-life

>be four
>"you're old enough to cook now anon, grow the fuck up and make your own shit!"
>it starts by making me cook pasta
>i inevitably burn myself
>you could hear this cunt vomiting in the bathroom
>"YOU'RE A FUCKING BRAT ANON, GROW UP YOU BIG FAT FUCKING BABY"
>she makes unseasoned dry frozen gmo chicken breasts with no oil or butter for dinner instead
>this is what she made nearly every night
>start "cooking" my own food anyway
>classic recipes include potato in oven, fresh fruit, peanut butter on edible item
>fucking wonderful compared to LB's "shit on a plate"

>>5850116
Unless you happen to be Matilda, I have trouble believing you were cooking good food for yourself at the age of four.

>teenage me, chilling with sister
>cooking some veggies to have with dinner
>add cinnamon / nutmeg while doing gordon ramsay impression
>tastes like boiled cookies, fucking disgusting
>bin them and have meat and bread dinner

>>5847507

>>5850124
Peanut butter on edible item doesn't take that much effort. Also, the fruit was not washed.

>>5850116

>Lazy Fat thread
>Bear the wonder kid got stolen
>Lazy Bulimic Mom stories

gogogogogogo story time

This thread is rapidly approaching epic status

>>5850099

We all did while you were taking a shit. We had the vote without you because we don't like you, so shut up, baka busuuuuuuu

>>5844278
based grandmum

This happened 3 days ago
>Cooking for Mom while she's out
>Have raw skinless/boneless punctured chicken breasts which have been marinating all day
>Transfer them and marinade into a pan over high then medium heat until the sauce reduces and creates a nice caramelized coating
>Boiling some fresh corn cobs, steaming broccoli, and baking some dinners rolls to go with it
>Fix us servings then seal up the leftovers for the rest for the week
>All according to keikaku
>Later quietly browsing the internet
>Hear scream from the kitchen
>Rush in
>The bowl I had the chicken in along with the extra sauce is lying sideways open near the middle of the kitchen floor
>Sauce has created impact spatter EVERYWHERE like in a stabbing murder scene
>"WHAT HAPPENED?"
>"I just wanted to see what was in the bowls.."
>She had opened them up in the fridge at the end of the top shelf ledge after I had stacked them neatly towards the back to avoid this express scenario
>All of the chicken breasts have tumbled across the floor leaving a skid row of sauce in their wake
>"It's okay Anon we can just rinse them off and it'll be fine."
>NOPE.JPG
>Toss them into the trash
>Notice sauce streaks extend all the way into the nearby dining room
>Dark liquid smoke-style sauce blotches have peppered our white carpeting like a Jackson Pollock painting
>Immediate grab some towels and carpet cleaner while the spills are fresh
>Thankfully it didn't stain
>Eat the remaining vegetables over the next few days with chicken nuggets as a substitute

>>5843938
Was the lasagna okay?!?!

>>5846633
Yes.

>>5850691
Yeah, the lasagna tasted fucking amazing after the trip to the ER. Had my sister take it out of the oven for me.

>>5850613
>being scared of a little dirt

what a faggot

>>5850781
my dad told me a story about when he was in the boy scouts.
>they were camping on the beach and making spaghetti
>suddenly huge gust of wind blows through their campsite
>sand gets into pot
>kids tell scoutmaster they dont want to eat spaghetti because theres too much sand in it
>scoutmaster tells kids it doesnt matter because when they die theyll be full of sand and dirt anyway
>kids eat spaghetti and cry

>>5850781
>a little dirt
You don't understand the condition of our floor. The day before I had cleaned out from the cabinet below our kitchen sink. I had pulled out some giant plastic containers that we don't touch but maybe a few times a year and set out old cleaning supplies and junk to organize them where the chicken came to rest including old sponges, lime/calcium remover, surface cleaner bottles, and roach/ant spray.

Also the sauce acted like Elmer's Glue and I could see hairs stuck to the side of the meat. No way was I attempting to salvage that situation. I was done.

>>5843241
i can do you one better tripfag
masturbating in the middle of the night
sitting in desk chair while watching porn
sudden tickle in feet
wathever, feet fell asleep
ticle starts going up my leg
well my leg is falling asleep wathever keep masturbating
tickle reachs my knee
see big ass cockroach there
i have to choose betweenfinishing masturbating and get that thing out of my body

>>5850856
....and you chose?

>>5849829
Dude can you organise that shelf behind you like at least put it in an insert or something

>>5844553
Same thing happened to me except no one pilled the stinger out and my lip swelled up. I cried.

>>5850856
The only correct way out of this situation was to cum onto the cockroach.
Not only would it scare the roach away, but you would also have finished.

>>5845118
Went out to a bar one saturday night after service.

Out of nowhere some fucking eastern europpean nobody throws his beer glass in my face. It shatters.
Barely misses eyes/ear/main arteries.

Rushed to the ER after having gotten help stopped the bleeding, 18 stitches.
Naturally came in to work the following morning.

>>5844604
>be me
>obviously im from reddit

fuck off

>>5843890
>giant fucking rodent
Did you apologize for disturbing him?

>>5844668
>"chef I burnt the guanciale"
At first I read this as "chef I burnt the guacamole". I spent two minutes wondering how in the fuck you would burn guacamole. . . .

>>5844812
I did that but with a lime instead of an avocado.

It kinda sucked.

>>5844812
my husband almost did that with a coconut.
"Hey honey I just stabbed my hand doing <a stupid thing>, but it's ok it happened 20 minutes ago and finally it stopped bleeding".
A coworker borrowed me his car, I literally flied home and took him to the next ER.

Before anyone asked I stated that I didn't do that...

>>5849772
She sounds like Yotsuba (the 404 girl).

>>5846633
Yes, that's someone's grandmother.

>>5847932
Umm, you're a moron. He first related his own childhood, then started in on stories of his STEPdaughter. Meaning his wife's daughter from a previous relationship between his wife and some other guy.

It's possible that some judge was so insanely biased against a .mil dude that the judge took the daughter away from the biological mother, but most such judges are also batshit insane about keeping the kids with mommy, so I'm guessing there's a lot more that we aren't hearing. Whatever happens, I hope the child is taken care of properly and does well.

>>5843445
>several days of prepping sides
Confirmed faggot

>>5846983
What does burning yourself have to do with becoming a better cook? The whole idea of crashing a couple times is that you're trying to become a quicker, more efficient driver and sometimes that involves jackknifing your truck on the highway, or fishtailing down the interstate.

Your whole post just screams that you've never trucked down the interstate in a high end truck.

>be four or five years old
>be babysat by my sister
>i curse or something dumb that kids do
>sister knows i hate spicy things(i grew to love them) so she punishes me by putting a drop of hot sauce on my tongue saying it was candy
>flip a dick and cry my fucking eyes out
>a few hours later my parents come home and i tell them
>thisiswhereitgetsgood
>dad makes chili for dinner and makes some sort of jalepeno-hot sauce-fires of hell puree and puts it in my sister's chili
>she flips a dick and chugs a liter of milk red in the face

i forget how cool my dad was sometimes

i honestly cant think of anymore Bear stories that count as horror stories. She said for me to tell you guys "Hi" btw

>>5851516
Team Bear routing for you both dude, hope it all turns out okay

>>5850357

>be ten
>LB is making fish
>not good fish
>fucking horrid dumpster worthy fish
>this is meant to be a family dinner
>i can smell her opening a can of tuna
>oh god
>fucking rotten
>she puts it on a pyrex pan
>no spices
>no oil
>turns the oven on
>she puts the pan in the oven
>the unbearable stench comes over me
>the only option is to evacuate the scene
>"WHAT THE FUCK ANON GET OVER HERE AND LISTEN TO ME"
>her arms are raised
>the hairy armpits of the chimpanzee are present
>i make an escape plan that will last for the next several years
>the only escape is becoming vegan
>"ANONANONANONNNN"
>'I'll just make some berries for tonight, LB'

Veganism lasted until she died, as it was the only escape from her horrid shit. She understood and accepted it because she was partly vegetarian during her pregnancy. I even wore pro-vegan shirts in efforts to pull it off. Most people think it was a phase of mine, but little do they know the story behind it.

>pic related, it's LB

>>5851391
Pretty sure there was a guy that went to jail for that, using hot sauce as punishment.

>>5843167
>>>5846983
>What does burning yourself have to do with becoming a better cook?

Do you have some comprehension issues?

>>5846449
gone my whole career so far and never been shot. im a sargent now.

>>5851777
>sargent
Your average cop, folks. Feel safe.

>>5851639
Yeah, it can get you charged with assault. To be fair, really hot sauces can make some people faint and shit.

>>5851891
But not always in that order.

>>5846086

>> Pierogies
>> Amusement Park

Nigga, you work at Knoebels??

Not really a horror story, per say, but it was really shocking to me as a sheltered kid.

>Was maybe 13, hanging out with some friends
>They take me to Wendy's to meet with some friends-of-friends
>One of them is this fat, but super nice kid I recognized
>He was totally high at a time when I had only just heard of pot
>Orders 6 baconators and a couple orders of large fries
>Sits down, laughing and joking
>Finishes all of the food in under 10 minutes.
>I remember the time specifically because a friend had told me to time him.

>>5850017
what bird shits brown? i call fake

>>5850116
>hairy armpits
>hairy legs
>didn't wear makeup
>didn't wear nice clothes

these are all crimes
every single person on this board not smoothly shaven in lipstick within an hour will go to jail

>>5850856
>flick it off with index finger
>continue fapping

?? are you a little girl scared of bugs? then manage your pest problem

>>5845460
That's terribly sad, anon. I feel for you.

>>5849772
>Stories of cute little girl and her nice military dad
>Uses a picture of Eureka

My heart can't take all of this.

>>5843878
>>5844482
>>5844486
>>5844488
>>5844491
>>5844506
>>5844592
>>5844617
>>5844654
>>5844928
Enjoy being immortalized in /ck/ history.

>>5852318
In case anyone else wants a copy.

>>5852318
>>5852326


It's an honor. I'd like the thank the academy, all the little people that helped make this possible, and of course, Lazy Fat. Thank you, Lazy Fat, for being one of the shittiest human beings I have ever interacted with. When you're dead, you will not be forgotten. You will live on in screen caps on 4chan.

You're doing Thor's work, Anon. Thank you.

>>5846224
I don't care if it was unorthodox, this thread has had some extremely depressing stuff in it. Thanks for the heartwarming story, Anon.

>>5845460