/ck/ - Food & Cooking

>>5107385
How do you fit 100 Jews in a compact car?

The ashtray

A Jew, a nigger, and a white man walk into a bar. Just then a semi truck crashes through the wall and kills all 3 of them. They all go to hell. The devil says to them "look, its really busy around here right now. There's a war going on and we have too many people to process. Tell ya what, gimmie $50 and I'll let you go back." The white man wakes back up in his body and the medics ask him what happened. He tells them the story. The medics ask "well what about the other 2 guys?" "Well the devils running a credit check on the nigger, and the Jew has him down to $37.50."

>>5107385

Vegans.

>>5107385
starbucks makes great coffee

Why do khajit lick their butts?

>To get the taste of khajit cooking out of their mouths!

Two black women sat quietly at a restaurant, enjoyed their meals and left a generous tip.

>>5107588
HUURR DUURRR SO LE FANNY XDDD

>>5107588
...and hell froze over

>>5107588
I snorted

>>5107588
regardless of that stereotypical racism, I enjoy going to a restaurant and having two sassy black women eating nearby

>"MMM HMMMZ YOU KNOW WHAT TANISHA SHE SAID TO ME AND THAT THANGGG OHH YEAA BABY WOOOO"
>"YEA SISTAH AND THE THANG SHE SAID TO MAY AND THE POOTYTANGGGG"
>"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"
>"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"
>"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"
>"MMM DIS FOOD IS SO SUCCULENT"


sassy black women can just be such cool people and I appreciate their company sometimes.

before
>eating pasta

Now,
>eating pasta and WOOOOOOOOOOOO THAT THANG IS SPICYYYYYY


its just, i don't know.

its cool

of course I do like a peaceful meal sometimes.

>>5107676
>stereotypical racism
You spelled 'truth' wrong, internet race hero.

>>5107678
>opinions
>racist ones

>>5107385
How do you cook beef Kidney?

>Boil the piss out of it.

>>5107685
>if you make a observation about a group of people based on common characteristics that makes you racist

>>5107712
well
>>5107588
seemingly implied that black women often don't tip well and don't sit quietly, or enjoy their meals.

I have enough experience to know what anon was implying.

but whatever, its just a joke. I welcome black women to make jokes about us as well.

>>5107712
>if you make a selective observation about a group of people, that is degrading, that makes you racist

>>5107907
>don't offend the delicate feelings of minorities, no matter how truthful or you're racist

>>5107907

truth.

>>5107912

it's less about defending "delicate feelings" (by the way, ridicule and ostracism can not seriously be justified by the fact that every human must claim responsibility for their own feelings, because a.) this creates segregation and fosters hatred and ultimately violence between groups and b.) the idea that YOU are not responsible for the feelings of others applies more to you expressing YOUR OPINION, using terms like "i feel as though" and "i think" and without targeting anybody and instead addressing a problem, not a person or group of people. if someone is offended because you are addressing an issue, that's their problem. if someone is offended because you are offending them, that's your problem.

but because many people are simply too self-involved to empathize with others, the society turns into chaos. stereotypes exist as a catalyst for hatred rather than a solution to a problem, and oftentimes, these "problems" (like being too loud in a restaurant, for example) aren't ACTUALLY problems. people are just looking for something to get pissed off at to make them feel better about themselves.

>>5108212
>stereotypes exist as a catalyst for hatred rather than a solution to a problem
The problem of the loud and barbaric behavior of niggers in public places? I do have a solution for that.

>>5108233

a civilized monkey is still a monkey.

true colors and damage can bleed through words.

not like you care.

>>5107385
>Tell me your best food joke or funny story

I tried getting help on /ck/ once.

>>5107959
>gay sex with a hat on

Guy was already fucking pissed off by the time he made it home. He parked on the road because that dumb bitch wife had parked in his spot AGAIN for the third time this week. She said it was because of the baby, but Guy knew damn well that she was carrying a lot more than eight extra pounds everywhere she went.

He angrily grabbed his groceries out of the back of his truck and made his way to the front door. Before he even opened it he could hear the television blaring Entertainment Weekly. "HEY!" Guy shouted over the television, while entering and slamming the door behind him. The sounds of the television immediately turned to a panel of four men analyzing a very specific facet of a sports game. He could hear the light thuds as the wife scurried to the kitchen.
"Hi sweetie! I uh... brought you the curly fries! I got four larges like you asked and I separated them out like you like and uh... I got the sau-"
"Did you get the horsey sauce in a cup?"
"Oh... uh... I got it four of the little th-things because..."
"Because you don't listen to what I tell you? Hmmm? Is that it?"
"I'm s-sorry I just thought you wanted it and I just...."
"How am I supposed to dip it if I don't have the sauce in a cup? YOU. KNOW. HOW. I. LIKE. IT." Guy raged, slamming his fists on the counter, he had a glancing hope that the counter would turn into the face of that little gay fag cashier at the grocery who recognized him. The way he had said his name in that faggy voice had really cranked his corn.
"Upstairs."
"But Guy..."
"But what?"
"The baby... I... the stairs."
"Go."
Dejected, Guy's wife made her way upstairs while the man himself began opening his hot dogs. "The bitch got one thing right," he mumbled, taking the curly fries that were just large enough to have a hot dog inserted into them and doing so. Once he had five of them arranged on his plate he put it in the microwave on high for two minutes. While waiting for the curly frogs to heat, he grabbed a slice of leftover meatlover's.

>>5108472
BEEP BEEP BOOOP
Guy took the plate out of the oven and set it on the stovetop nearly burning his fucking hand in the process. "FUCK" He exclaimed, "fucking bullshit ceramic fuckin things "oooohhh we should get the ceramic ones the plastic ones don't look so nice" FUCK THAT. Next time, we get the fucking plastic because they don't burn your shit!" He got the plate on to a hot pad, threw the four little cups of the horsey sauce on there, grabbed two Coor's Light out of the fridge and walked to the living room

He sat down, opened one of the Coor's, and began eating. By the time he was finished with the first one he was nearly halfway through his horsey sauce. He shook his head in disgust, "Can't even enjoy the little things anymore without bullshit." Upon finishing his third curly frog, he got up and went back to the kitchen. He took the leftover curly fries and piled them on his plate, topping them with a handfull of cheddar, holding his curly frogs in one hand.

A guy makes his wife go to the store. Then she comes back and he's drunk and angry and he yells "Where is my fucking vodka?" and beats her to death.

>>5108473
BEEP BEEP BOOOP
He had finished his fourth curly frog and was going to start his last one. He felt pretty full by now, but he wasn't done. He wanted to be full for the afternoon at least. He stuffed the last curly frog in, grabbed the plate out of the microwave, and went back to the living room. He sat down and stared at the plate of curly fries. From sitting down he noticed the pressure inside. He could feel his heartbeat in his head and limbs. His stomach felt like it was filled with coins. He sighed, and grabbed a handful of the fries.

The lukewarm, cheesy fries made him feel a little bit better but halfway through the plate his body was feeling rough. His head was really pounding now, his heart beating like he'd taken the stairs. His fingers were swollen and his stomach felt fit to burst. There was only a quarter of the plate left, so he decided he would polish it off. He grabbed another couple of fries and stuffed them into his mouth along with the last bite that had mostly been chewed. He was so full at this point he felt like spitting it out. His body was urging him to spit it out but he kept chewing.

>>5108485
His head felt like a pillow and his heart beat loudly in his ears. This bite felt like it was taking eons. He concentrated really hard, his tongue fighting him, trying to push the food back out. He slowly gulped the food down and could feel the mass hitting his stomach like a runaway train. The panel of men in suits talking about sports faded into the background, his head swam uncomfortably as he closed his eyes and breathed heavily. He leaned backward into the sofa and moaned in pain. "Aaaaaahhhh, ooooohhhhh god." Every part of his body was telling him to throw up. Dazed, he opened his eyes, tossed the plate onto the floor in front of him where it landed face up. "That bitch better clean that up..." he mumbled, "...if she knows whats gooo-ooohhhh for her". His closed and his arms flopped out to his side, where his left hand hit his half finished Coor's, spilling it in between the couch cushions.

oh man, someone wouldn't happen to have the chef boyardumb story with the lobsters would they?

>>5107959
>Windows xp

guiltily kekd

>>5107447
Get out Dar, you're drunk. And take your skin tight red leather pants with you.

>>5107676
I lol'd. Man if I ever visit the states I want that experience.

Where did Saddam hide his spices?
In Iraq!

>>5108500
Also does anyone have the sex story with Paula Deen and the butter?

>>5108212
>that whole second half of your post

Basic pattern recognition is bad mmkay.

>>5108710
>sex story with Paula Deen and the butter
You mean Paula Deen's show?

>>5108212
tl;dr

Can't you take your hugbox shit elsewhere? This is a joke thread.

>>5108710
That was good. My grandpa and I both laughed.

>>5109189
>telling your grandpa jokes you read on 4chan
That's an adorable mental image anon.

>>5107385
let's eat grandma

let's eat, grandma

see what proper grammar does?

Almost a food joke;

A deer hunter went to a bar, struck up a conversation with a hot chick:
"Hey baby, are you game?"
She says "yeh". So he shot her

>>5108710
>>5108791
>>5109189

>>5107877
>I welcome black women to make jokes about us as well
You'll probably bitch about how black people are allowed to make jokes but not vice versa

>>5107385
Here's a semi-related cooking joke

Two jungle explorers and sitting in a boiling pot of water in a cannibal village when one of them starts laughing. The other explorer turns to the other and says "what's so funny?"
The first explorer says "I just peed in their soup!"

>>5109253
hi-larious

two tomatoes walked across a road
one tomato got run over
the other tomato said: c'mon ketchup

first joke i ever heard, it was in swedish too so there was no pun

Knock knock

Who is there?

Kitchen

Kitchen who?

Kitchen come over my house for popcorn this Thursday?

One fellow seated next to another on an airplane struck up a conversation by mentioning a recent faux pas. He remarked about the airline ticketing agent with very large breasts. He told the other fellow instead of asking for a ticket to Pittsburg, he accidentally said, "Please give me a picket to Titsburg."

Chuckling, the man hearing the tale confessed that he too made a verbal slip up just that morning. "Instead of asking my wife for a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios, I accidentally said - You ruined my life, you fucking whore."

>>5109463
Good one!

So, this penguin is driving down the interstate, when his car suddenly starts making noises and belching smoke. He pulls over, calls AAA, and has his car towed to a mechanic's shop in the next town. The mechanic tells the penguin to go grab lunch while he looks at the car.

So, the penguin, being a frugal sort and not being allowed in most restaurants, heads over to the grocery store. He nibbles on some fish sticks, chills out in the frozen foods section, and has some vanilla ice cream for dessert. Then he heads back to the mechanic's.

He shuffles up the sidewalk just as the mechanic steps out of the garage bay, wiping his hands on a dirty rag. The mechanic says laconically, "Looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin flaps his flippers at his beak, embarrassed, and squeaks out, "No, no, it's just ICE CREAM!"

Marie's Homemade Italian Tomato Sauce from Italy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jDGqtjcyxlQ

Authentic Italian Meatballs Recipe: Homemade Italain
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FiRjxaNTWM

technically, the meatballs video comes first, but I found the "Homemade Italian Tomato Sauce from Italy" video first (from /ck/)

...keywords: zip! microbes! plop!