/ck/ - Food & Cooking

BAZINGA!

420 braise it faggot

What if bob ross had cooked instead of painted?

Lets add a little bit more salt. This is your dish there is no right or wrong.

Then we cut a happy little smile into the hotdog. There, isnt that nice?

>>4952523

I'm laughing so hard right now

"X looks so good I want to fuck it"

I wouldn't last very long
[spoiler]but I here they make pills for that

Mine would be "thats JANK"

>>4952523
^-^

Its like an orgasm in your mouth!

>If you're looking for ways to spice up your cheap ramen noodles, go fuck yourself.

>>4952511
>Smells like mama's puddin' pie!

"Better than sin!"

It's RAW you donkey!

"BLAMO!" as I slam ingredients into the pot

BLAM, SUCK MY DICK!

When adding ingredients in quick succession:
>ingredient 1
"wham"
>2
"bam"
>3
"thank ya ma'am"

>It's TOTALLY tastey!

I'd kind of depressingly sigh "It tastes good, but it's missing something..." after every dish and then the last five minutes of the show would be footage of me just standing there trying to hold myself together because you can't cry on national television no matter how much it hurts.

>It's like is CUMMING. In your MOUTH

"...Just like momma used to make"

>Well at least it doesn't taste bad
>Well that didn't suck

"Don't worry, it can be fixed."

>>4952693
I didn't know Purge cooked.

>>4952523
"No mistakes, just happy little grease fires"

I'd steal the guy from Weeds' phrase

"That is just TOO good!"

I'd just cook incredibly high.
I'm sure that would be enough and I would probably develop a catch-phrase on my own.

>>4952658
The last episode is you with your family and friends. You're throwing a dinner party and have a great time. You're clearing up and notice one of your specialty dishes went almost untouched. Your eyes get a bit blurry but your wife is drunk and horny waiting for you upstairs.

Motivated by drunk marital sex, you turn around but stub your toe, fly sideways and fall into a plant pot, smashing it and knocking it over. And there it is, almost all of what had been taken from the dish. Your face drops, the colour drains from your skin and you lifelessly amble to get what you need from the kitchen and bathroom cupboards.

After you have made sure the extended exhaust pipe is where you want it, you down your cocktail and put the Leonard Cohen CD on just loud enough to cover up the sound of your desperate wailing. Your wife wonders where you are as you slip out of consciousness, and decides to keep herself busy for now. After climaxing she falls asleep, not knowing that she will be screaming ten times harder the next morning.

"That's SO GOOD I want to DIP MY BALLS in it!"

>>4952511
"Mm that is all kinds of sexy."

>>4952511
"eh, um... well, we can fix this, don't worry."

>>4952744
>>4952700
-mind.

>>4952746
>Comment B is nineteen minutes after comment A
Do you know what a -mind is?

>>4952746
Are you retarded? The posts are over 5 hours apart

That's the bottom line Jabroni!

>>4952738
damn

>Shaboozahbimbah! That's how you make [dish]

>>4952661
Im glad someone else beside me got this >>4952610

>>4952523
Comfy Cooking with Bob Ross

SPLOOPITY SPLOOSH

What if someone with OCD had a cooking show?

>>4953399
OH yeaaa! and then we add the woosh-shoosher-shoosh

before starting
let's kick this pig

>>4953409
>cooking with austin
>hello everybundy
>togay we make race and bans
>SHIFUCK gotta count the grains of rice
>ok 1 2 3 123 132332 2312 3 NO STOP COUNTING WITH ME YOU MADE ME MESS UP
>12345 *TEN* 11... 7 wait YOU FRICK
>okay now the rice goes on the right and the beans go on the left

>>4952744

>>4953416
thats so wrong and messed up, seriously.

I'd host as some kind of white-trash hick that constantly uses catchphrases as an attempt to sell merchandise rather than actually cook.

When using spices, I'd say things like "Now THAT'S a wallop!" "HOOOOO-EE DASS GOOD" and "Take THAT out to the front porch!"

So it would be Duck Dynasty with cooking.

YAHTZEE

>>4952610
It's better than busting a nut!

or

It's better than blowin your load!

I'd probably say what my mum would say every single time she cooked something.

>I don't know how good it's going to turn out. You can always add salt or ketchup or whatever. It's food, at least. If you don't like it go make something else.

"She'll say yes to anal with this dish!"

>>4952738

"Ohhhhh baby, now THAT'LL make a turd!"

>>4953486
I honestly don't see how you could use anything else

Some variation on this:

"Pepper my pine nuts, THASSA GOOOD!!"

or

"Smother me in panko, THASSA GOOOD!!"

or

"Crack me some stone crab, THASSA GOOOD!!!"

Just before "THASSA GOOOD!!" is said, the camera would shift angles to film me from the side, and I'd give the exact facial / eye expression that the puppet in the pic has.

Everytime I put the finishing touches on a meal, I'll say "THAT'LL PUT SOME PEP IN YER STEP GEDDER DUNN YEAH BOI RINGADINGDING HOLLER HOLLER GIT DAT DOLLER"

Wal-mart will collapse attempting to keep up with the demand for the shityy merchandise spawned off of it

"Now we're cooking with petrol, lads!"

"Thanks Obama", I'd be a ratings winner and then a couple years in once I'd made enough money I'd spend an entire episode mocking my redneck fans.

>>4952511
"WHAT HAVE I DONE?"

SWEET MOMMY SALAMI

>>4953417
I'm crying

SCHWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ronaymonaydonay
*ping*

Probably "tuck in."
I live in Freedumbz and people here have never heard the phrase "tuck in." They say "dig in" and many of them find my speech so charmingly British (I am not a Brit, however).
Really, I could say anything and it wouldn't much matter. I know I'd at least get the housewife market if it's on daytime programming since I've got the tall, dark and handsome thing going for me and "the sexy accent." I'm just the right amount of foreign: exotic but white, speak proper but intelligible English with an exotic foreign accent, use phrases and terms from a foreign variety of English that Americans find charming or quaint and I'm quite /fit/, too.
>so why did the bitch leave me ;_;

"It's edible!"
It's already kind of my catchphrase when I like food.

>>4953655
Please.
Go back to myspace.

"And we put it in the oven and play vidya for exactly 20 minutes"

"If it's dead you can eat it, and if it isn't you can eat it too"
or
"This is how you avoid burning down your house"

"Hellow wildcats"

>>4952759
>>4952761
-mind.

"and now its ready for the trash"

This food smells soo good I want to slap my dick on the table.

"I'm not entirely sure how that happened

"Thanks, Obama!"

BAM! LOOK AT THAT BACON SIZZLE!

>>4952511
sabrina, don't just stare at it. eat it

"...and throw it in the oven until you're drunk enough to properly enjoy it. that's it for today on Cooking in a Barn. remember: it's not rape if she moos. YEE-HAW!"

"Huh... that doesn't look right at all... did I...? wait... hold on.... eh, y'know what? Fuck it, close enough."

"It's like a VEGAN'S own PERSONAL 9/11!"

"Don't try this at home" or
"Ewww how did that happen?"

>>4952523
I'd watch the hell out of that.

>>4953417
I read that as "cooking with autism"
Imagine the possibilities

>>4953409
>>4953417
>>4954023
SEA PICK-ELLS

>>4954023
pretty sure that was the intention

I'd just look at the camera while awkwardly eating a mouthful of what I've cooked, before moaning and going "ohhhh my goodness that's so good!" like every other tv/youtube cook.

I'd laugh at the audience at the end and say:

"Have fun cleaning up your kitchen when you're done! I don't have to!"

then knock shit over and walk away. Camera pans to the Mexican janitor stomping his feet in anger and shouting "ay carumba!"

"it was a lot of work but we have once again entered the full flavour zone"

"remember, one mistake and you'll fuck everything up like always"

And I would look directly at one audience member the entire time while saying that.

>Just eat it, it won't kill ya. Look... there, see?

>>4952523
I... I want to live in that world.

>>4952511
"put some of that in there, more than that, no, less than that. Perfect"

>>4953544
Fuck.
I lol'd

>>4952658
>>4952738
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yNSXQsP-VQY

>And now I'm finished COOKING the food!

>>4953761
And then.. you put the bowl in the ..thing

>get out of my kitchen with your fucking tv stuff, you lame lurkers.

>if you thought the holocaust was burned into the memories of your loved ones, wait till you see what my risotto does!

>>4952646
what if there are more than 3 ingredients?

"HHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNGGG!! MY DICK!"

Mine would be weeping and saying "how did my life come to this"

A laugh track would play during

>If meals where musicians and musicians had the ability to be exceptional at olympic disciplines this linguini where like Johann Sebastian Bach pole jumping 6 meters while playing Vivaldis "Nerone fatto Cesare" on a squeezebox

>>4952511

"That's pretty swag."

>>4952511
i'd be like this guy:

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/bfb12aea47/charlie-sheen-s-winning-recipes

>"Mmmm, HEY PUSSY LIPS. GO FUCK YOURSELF"

Oh my fuckin' God, this whole thread. You guys are great.

In addition to a catchphrase I feel that at the end of every episode I would get violent with one of the dinner guests leading to a physical confrontation of me shoving their face into a place of food while red-faced and screaming, "I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON IT!"

Then later on, I'd appear on the news dead after a drunk and violent confrontation with the police on the interstate, probably over a speeding ticket/DUI. Meth-amphetamine would be found in my car though no traces of it would be found in my blood.

>>4952523
...i never asked for these feels

"yep, THAT is why I'm fat"

>>4953857
This guy

Laugh and grow fat

"We can fix this"

A terrible cover of Highway to the Danger Zone would play, only replacing Danger Zone with "Flavor Zone".

BOOM BABY
And that's how you slice celery

Pork so good a Muslim jig a boo can't resist it

I would wander around the kitchen saying "fuck" very calmly while trying to find specific utensils a la Masaokis. no episode would ever end with me actually finishing anything.

>>4952646
Enjoy paying those Bowie royalties every time. I like it though.

AWWWW SHIEEETTT BOIIIIIIIIIIIII

as I drench everything in ranch/chocolate/nacho cheese/quinky sauce, preferably with some trap music or Barry White playing in the background

>>4956465
oh and the shot has to come in slow motion.

v. important yaknow

I wouldn't have a catch phrase. I would just slowly hump the counter throughout the show.

I want to gather a bunch of mentally ill individuals and drug addicts and give them an hour long cooking variety show. That would make for some good TV.

>On today's episode: Jack the junkie makes microwave popcorn!

>>4954758
Your catchphrase could be "DO NOT LET YOUR HOUSE BECOME LIKE THIS"

"you gotta LICK IT UP"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gcj34XixuYg

>>4952761
>The posts are over 5 hours apart

>>4954397
name one dish with more than 3 ingredients

>>4956740
Lasaña
>Tomato
>Noodle
>Sauce
>Meat

I haven't laughed this hard in a LONG time. I love you guys.

>>4954058

>>4954409

>>4952613

"and that is how you slaughter, section and cook a baby [insert animal]"

>>4953891

This is one of the dumbest threads I've ever seen on /ck/

>>4959313
Good you found the right thread for you after all.

>>4959315
y-you too

>>4952742
Mah nigga

>>4952738
Holy shit you twisted fucker

>>4956740
Fried chicken.

Chicken
Egg wash
Jackie Chan SHIT

I'd try to say something retarded I made up like "doo damn digglicious" to say in a cool voice, but I'd do so in a self-concious autism voice, so it'd be more like mumbling "d-d.. doo.. huh.. doo damn.. di-diglchs". This is while staring down into the pile of shit I've prepared for everyone to laugh at, all while tears are streaming down my face.

>>4953416
literally loled

>Now this truly will be more joyful than diving a fresh, tender virgin muff, playfully slicing your tongue through the soft lips leading to the wet gold fountain at which you can experience the climax of her soul. Enjoy folks!

>>4952523
I'd watch that shit.

>>4953857
BREEE

It's the only way to beat swine flu

"wa-la!" instead of voila

"o-oops..."
"sorry..."

I'd say "You're all faggots!"

"Hmm~ homemade viagra baby!"

"We should probably get rid of that" everytime the screen fades to black

"Shit, didnt meant to put that in there"

"Why won't this cook"

>>4954394

This one I like.

I'd say "God loves you" or "I love you" or some variant after I did something.

>>4952523
Bob Ross vs Julia Child
The Celebrity Death Match that should have been.

>>4952511
oh oh! BOB GET IN HERE! IT HAPPENED AGAIN!

>>4959365
lel'd

"gas the kikes"

>>4952523
Oh dear gods yes.

"oh dear, that's gone all wrong. Well, just tell your guests this is how it's done in Romania."

"I shouldn't have to remind you never to invite Romanians over for dinner."

"Is this program broadcast in Romania?"