/ck/ - Food & Cooking

One time I made a lemon meringue pie and I read tablespoon instead of teaspoon for the salt measurement for the meringue and it was completely inedible

>>20219787
I like to cook a lot in advance and eat leftoverss through the week, apparently my fresh asparagus for that week was very undercooked and it ruined the whole dish, I still have flashbacks to forcing down the wooden stalks

>>20219787
Made cornbread for a non-American friend and misread sugar for salt. He was very confused

>>20219787
I was once making about 45 gallons of French onion soup and I deglazed it with a box of wine, stood over the pot while stirring, took in a big breath, and woke up on some sacks of rice in the pantry

>>20219787
Cooking bacon on a gas grill.

>>20219787
I once panicked and put orange juice in French onion soup because the recipe called for cider.

>>20219817
I hope your coworkers drew cock and balls on your cheek
also we used to put 151 rum in the weed bong, never coming close to passing out
>>20219787
forgot bay leafs in pot roast
forgot sugar in my flan
slipped on ice and burned meself bad
many others that I blocked out of my mind

>>20219787
The question reminds me of when my mom put hazelnut creamer in hamburger helper as a milk substitute. It tasted exactly as you think it would. I don't know what goes on through her head sometimes.

>>20219817
Glad I'm not the only one that huffs the alcohol vapor when deglazing. Honestly the best part of making Irish stew to me is just sticking my head in the pot while deglazing with stout, and breathing in the (literally) intoxicating aroma.

Years ago I dropped my half pound burger patty on the floor and I'm still pissed off about it.

>>20219859
I'm mad at you too now

>>20219852
The heat from smoking a bowl of weed wouldn't come anywhere close to vaporizing the alcohol in any significant quantity. When you dump alcohol into a hot pan it vaporizes most of the alcohol almost instantly, which if you breathe it in will go straight into your bloodstream, and subsequently the brain.

>>20219787
preheating a large pot before pouring cooking oil into it (was gonna fry some chicken). nearly burned my kitchen down. scariest 5s of my life honestly. if i didn't have the lid within reach i might have done something stupid like pour water on it.

>>20219819
No pan? Just straight onto the grill over the flames? WTF did you think was going to happen?

>>20219863
Should I try this? Is it better than boofing? What's the most efficient method (I don't like french onion soup)?

>>20219877
It only works with french onion soup, unfortunately.

>>20219879
:(

I've never had any major fuck ups. One time I was cooking some frozen chicken tenders in the oven while stoned. Fell asleep on accident and didn't get wake up until they were burnt. I just scraped the burnt breading off and ate the meat which was still edible. I also tried making fried rice with sticky rice once. Obviously didn't work out well. Turned into a sort of savory rice porridge with vegetables and meat mixed in which wasn't bad I guess, but the texture was not good.

>>20219787
I punched a hole in the ceiling with an old timey pressure cooker. First and only time, I was always careful, but I worked a double shift and slept through the kitchen timer and only half woke up when the first bang happened, then jumped to my feet when the rest of it slammed into the floor and clattered everywhere. God, that took forever to clean and patch.

>>20219877
Just stick with drinking it like a normal person. It's not going to get you more drunk, it's just a fast rush that quickly subsides. Fun, but not an efficient way to get drunk.

>>20219852
The boss was there, my cheeks were left unclapped
>>20219854
>>20219863
>>20219877
It came and went real quick
Like I don't remember passing out, and I was really fucking drunk for like, 10 15 minutes, then I was fine
TOA is right, it only unlocks if you're making French onion

>>20219890
I've been looking for another quick rush ever since I swore off solvents.

>>20219896
Have you tried cutting?

>>20219787
works with my machine

>>20219901
I don't do trust anything that would leave a scar but I do use a rubber mallet sometimes.

>>20219888
kek my dad did that with a pot of black beans
black beans are actually purple
we had to repaint the kitchen

>>20219888
>888
holy shit
this is the best website for these types of stories.
this takes the cake though
>>20219893
>The boss was there, my cheeks were left unclapped
shit most chefs would pay someone to do it. you got lucky
was wondering if you caught a buzz. good stuff

put a pan in the oven because i didn’t have any baking sheets clean. took the pan out with a mitt no problems. after i plated and waiting for food to cool was gonna get a head start on dishes. grab the metal handle that was in a 450 oven. burnt the shit out of my hand. still have a slight patch on my palm where it’s leathery. was almost a year ago. was p crossed.

>>20219929
>still have a slight patch on my palm where it’s leathery.
pic

>>20219929
I've almost done the same thing before when roasting a chicken in a stainless steel skillet. Pull it out using an oven mitt, put the chicken onto a rack to rest, then reach for the handle to move the pan. Thankfully I've always caught myself at the last moment before I grab it, and the little voice in the back of my head starts screaming "HOT HOT HOT," before I even touch it. I've never actually burnt myself too seriously in the kitchen. Just your usual grease splatters that cause a little blistering and that sort of thing. Worst I've injured myself in the kitchen was when washing my chefs knife. Was scrubbing it with a sponge when the sponge slipped in my hand and I reflexively curled my fingers to try and grab it, which caused me to slice deep into the tip of my right middle finger. I still have a numb spot at the very tip of that finger where I severed the nerve. Probably should have gotten stitches, but I just wrapped it tightly with a paper towel and put pressure on it until it stopped bleeding as much, which was the next morning. After that I just kept a bandaid wrapped super tight around the tip of the finger to keep it closed and tried not to bump it on anything. It still hurts a little bit if I put too much pressure on the tip of that finger.

>>20219931
tried to get a picture where it showed on camera. it’s really not too bad like a cm x cm area

I was trying to make some crispy chicken skin by putting them in the oven on a sheet pan. I guess it was too hot because they caught fire. I them out and threw the pan into the sink, thinking to myself "This is a grease fire, don't put water on it." 5 seconds later, I turned the faucet on anyway for some reason and it created a giant fireball that scorched the ceiling.

>>20219969
>I turned the faucet on anyway for some reason
The heart wants what it wants, anon.....

>>20219969
my oven once caught fire while preheating from leftover grease at the bottom. it took all my willpower to just turn it off, leave the door closed and wait.

Nothing major, but I very consistently have the superpower to always use a pan or pot one size too small for every single new dish I make.

>>20219859
time to let go, Anon. i forgive you. forgive yourself.

>>20220013
my wife does this. and when cooking pasta she always, always makes about double the amount she intended. she's a real good cook though

i was gettin drunk and making stock real late at night and fell asleep on the sofa while reducing the liquid. once it reduced to nothing it smoked out the entire house. my kid, who was like 5 at the time, loved to remind me every time she would see me cooking something not to burn the soup. it's still a joke around the house. the joke being that i am both an idiot and an alcoholic.

>>20220146
Funny, I seem to have th superpower of perfectly estimating the amount of pasta for a dish.
>1 lb of pasta?
>Sounds like about 4 & 1/2 handfuls
>Perfect
I could just whip out the scale and measure, but my instincts haven't lead me astray yet.

>learn some technique for cooking rice in the microwave
>end up burning the rice and ruining a bowl
>3 separate neighbors on my floor knocked on my door because they thought my apartment was on fire
>the smell lasted a week

>>20219787
i tried to make caramelized maple syrup sauce for some french toast
cooked it way too long
poured it on my toast
whipped some cream up, figured sauce way too hot eat right away
dollop on whipped cream
try to cut into toast, giant blob of maple rock candy shatters
i force all my sloppa down except this, only time I've just literally chucked food away

One time i accidentally added too much flour to chicken and dumplings and made an inedible lump of mush

Bought some dried beans for my chili instead of canned
Did the whole process of soaking them overnight and rinsing, then simmering the beans in the chili for ages. The beans ended up undercooked and I had some terrible food poisoning. I still can't bring myself to cook chili again

>>20220314
>make maple candy
>"THIS IS INEDIBLE!"
huh?

The Lemon Pepper incident of 2017
>Be me
>Cooking for gf
>Making stir-fry
>Never used lemon pepper before in cooking
>Decide that I like lemon and I like pepper so it'd be a good idea to use a lot of it
>Sprinkle a fuckton onto the chicken while it's cooking
>Oh fugg that's powerful
>Sneeze a lot
>GF asks me what's wrong, assure her everything is under control
>Somehow think I can "burn it away" and save the dish by increasing the temperature of the pan to the highest level possible
>End up creating a zesty Zyklon Chicken gas that suffocates the both of us
>No matter how many fans I turn on or windows I open, my eyes and throat are stinging
>Gf vomits and cries
>We have to leave the house and go eat at jack in the box instead

I've literally been pepper sprayed by law enforcement and it wasn't nearly as bad as whatever the fuck I managed to do that day. She's my wife now and I'm still not allowed to cook anything with lemon pepper in it

>>20219929
never burnt myself that bad (from cooking) but I have a permanent scar on my thumb from cutting vegetables while stoned, I got distracted by the tv and sliced the tip of my thumb halfway off. spent the entire night in the hospital getting stitches (it was already really late when this happened), then came home in the morning to find security guards outside my apartment cause the whole building had been placed under quarantine for covid. I had to remove the stitches myself cause we were still in lockdown and I think I fucked it up cause I can still feel pain if I put pressure on it the right way.
unrelated to cooking but my other thumb has a permanent scar from a 2nd degree burn I gave myself by holding it in the flame while I was hitting a bong. I guess I was too stoned to notice what I was doing. maybe I gotta lay off the weed lol

>>20220716
it doesn't sound ideal on top of french toast

when I was a kid I tried to make a pie but didn't understand the difference between corn starch and corn meal so I grabbed the box of corn meal from the pantry instead

>hosting a family BBQ for my kids birthday
>Trying to get a lot of things done, get started on seasoning the chicken wings for the Weber kettle
>Friend offers to do it for me
>Sure why not
>Walk away
>Come back
>He seasoned them filling a bowl and covering the wings like how you'd bread them for frying
>The seasoning has way too much salt for that
>Decide to try cooking them anyway
>Inedible

>>20219787
tried making raisin bread in the bread machine this weekend. took note of the time I was supposed to put the add-ons in. there should have been a tone to notify me, and I didn't hear it, which I thought was odd, but I was sure it was the right time and I'm new to the bread machine, so I thought I'll just dump the raisins in anyway and trust the process. Well, I ended up with plain bread and a pile of burnt, loose raisins. I took another look at the manual and realized I was way off with the timing, and I missed the last kneading process so they never got mixed into the dough

>>20219787
when I first started cooking I thought "2-3 cloves of garlic" meant 2-3 entire bulbs of garlic, i cooked 3 or 4 things this way before ai realized. it was surprisingly edible still though

>>20220728
>>Somehow think I can "burn it away" and save the dish by increasing the temperature of the pan to the highest level possible
Idk why, this is the funniest part to me

I learned what raw chicken was the hard way, by eating a delicious-on-the-outside, raw-on-the-inside chicken breast I whipped up for myself.

>>20219787
I don't know how to cook, what do I look like? some sort of FAGGOT? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

>>20220728
This is hilarious

I accidentally cut cheese for crackers on the same cutting board I cut raw pork on earlier. I ate ten crackers. what am I in for?

>>20220931
Well it's not bloody halal anymore

>>20219885
>be drunk
>want boiled eggs
>fall asleep
>wake up to the pan empty of water and parts of the eggshells are black
i still put them in cold water and peeled, ate the decent part, but i've stopped cooking while drinking

>>20219787
garlic into too hot oil explosion. not over a flame so it wasn't dangerous but it did crack my wooden spoon and smoked me out, i was playing xenoblade chronicles and lost track of time. Still have that one and use it sometimes.

>>20220861
when you get really good at cooking, you'll realize that 2-3 cloves of garlic in a recipe actually does mean 2-3 bulbs.

>>20219787
severely undercooked boiled eggs for an egg salad, they were basically still liquid. decided to try anyway since I had already cracked one, thought the mayo would thicken it up into something salvageable for some reason. it did not. I just had a bowl of really runny, eggy mayo. not sure what I was expecting.

>>20220728
>burn it away
>all pepper and lemon is in the air instead of in your food
>problem solved

>>20220861
>>20221054
This, don't be a garliclet anon

>>20220996
>i've stopped cooking while drinking
but that's the funnest part about cooking and drinking. Trying to stay conscious while things are in danger of catching fire adds an element of excitement.

>>20221090
well i've stopped walking away and waiting for a timer while drinking

>>20220716
it was a mass of vaguely maple flavored rock hard sugar that engulfed 3 slices of soft squishy egg custard bread, the texture was revolting and I literally had to soak my plate in hot water to melt it off

>>20220728
>zesty Zyklon Chicken

>>20220996
did this with pierogi in my air fryer and I discovered them 2 weeks later covered mold

One time I failed to make tarator.

>>20220728
>Zesty Zyklon chicken
Mein gott, do not give ze recipe away anon! It is the key to our reich.

I don't think I've ever truly fucked up any food. Lots of injuries to myself, though.

I've had some stuff come out a little more dry than I wanted or a bit undercooked so I had to put it back in the oven, but never really made something so bad I couldn't make it work.
And now that I have said that I'm sure I'll be burning down the house shortly.

>>20219859
If I'm cooking for myself at home you better believe that patty is still being eaten.

I was talking to some girl and she mentioned she liked to bake, so I sent her that White Chocolate Brownie Recipe that was posted on here a few times in the past. It has the font in rainbow colors.
In my excitement, I had neglected to see that it says something about lolis.

I lay awake sometimes at night thinking about this.

>>20221631
Did she notice?
I sometimes make pic related for my parents. It's not like they can taste the problematic ideology.

>>20221635
I'm not sure if she did, probably so since we stopped talking a little after that.
Shame too, but that was high school.
The recipe you posted sounds tasty too, I oughta make it sometime, thank you for posting it.

Made probiotic yoghurt in jars
>Cracked 2 empty jars by putting them on my metal countertop after sterilizing in oven
>2 jars turned into separated yellow water + sponge
>dropped 1 of these piss jars on my floor so the 1 liter ferment went everywhere including beneath a threshold in the floor
>ate 1 jar and happened to get constantly nauseous for the next 3 weeks
Also i bought a sous vide for 80 euro just for this and I have barely used it since

I forgot to add honey when making gingerbread. The dough was noticably dry, but I just thought "well, the eggs were kinda small" and put another one in.

I made gingerbread again a month later and did just the same, except that time it didn't even make me think. I just poured more milk and only realized what was wrong when it was already in the oven.

Trying to follow a recipe with a 3 year old playing around is extremely challenging, I wonder how women manage to do that.

>>20220875
at least you're still alive to tell the story

>>20219787
Oil in a hot pan during my cooking class final. I smoked out the entire classroom and made shitty chicken pasta that I got a B on.

>>20219852
>also we used to put 151 rum in the weed bong, never coming close to passing out

This is a super dumb thing to do by the way. You get very little buzz off the alcohol so you're basically wasting the rum. But more to the point the purpose of the water in a bong is that the shittier soot and less active chemicals bind to water but the THC and fun cannabanoids don't so you get a better high off it. However THC and those other fun canabanoids do bind to alcohol, so especially if you're using a high proof all you're really doing is filtering out what you're smoking it for

>>20219787
>make baked potatos
>bake em too long
>they're burnt potatoes now
>mfw

>>20219792
You must be a retard to think 1 tablespoon of salt in a dessert(or 90% of recipes) is okay

Idk if this counts but I sleepwalk sometimes when I’m really drunk. I’ve had a few incidents that didn’t make sense but one time I woke up to a raw chicken drumstick in my bathroom sink wrapped up in a T-Shirt.

>>20222071
>You must be a retard
Your capability for deduction never ceases to astonish me, anon

Mine is a thing I came to call tear gas chicken. I was making some kind of chicken pasta thing, I had chicken in a pan cooking with a bunch of hot oil. I felt like something spicy and remembered we had a bunch of hot peppers chopped up and in the freezer from the summer. So I just grabbed a handful and tossed them in the pan. Almost instantly I start coughing like mad and can barely breathe, then my eyes start burning, my skin starts burning. I can barely see at this point so turn the stove off and run outside.

Wasn't a total disaster though, went back in 15 minutes later, put thins together and it was very spicy but quite delicious

>>20219787
I've posted this before, but here it goes:

It's nothing too crazy, but I learned my lesson and never made the same mistake again, which was important.

>be 10
>playing Rome total war
>get hungry, my family is into bruschetta for some reason, my mom has served it as an appetizer 3 days in a row now
>have no idea what I'm doing since I'm 10 and I'm stupid
>cut a few pieces baguette, put the tomato/cheese mixture on top, turn on the stove to max, then cover the pan because that looks right I guess
>go back to playing Rome total war
>like an hour later mom calls and says she's coming home and we're going out to eat and that I shouldn't ruin my appetite
>ruh roh
>run into the kitchen, smoke is billowing out of the pan despite the lid
>turn off the heat and take off lid, but don't account for the motlen hot lid that's been on fire for an hour, burn the shit outta my hand, and drop the lid on the rug
>the bread has almost disintegrated at this point, all that remains is a bit of smoldering charcoal
>have no idea what to do, consider getting a cup of water and throwing it at the pan but reconsider at the last second because I was already wrong about everything so far (thank God I didn't go through with this)
>decide to move the pan outside to get rid of the smokey smell, leave the pan on my porch
>well that's all I can do, time to go back to playing Rome total war
>mom comes home to see a pan lid that's fused with the carpet because I threw it down when it was still blazing hot, so the carpet is ruined
>she goes to the porch to see her favorite pan ruined
>and when she removes it she sees the wooden deck has a big black circular burn mark where the blazing hot pan was placed

Suffice to say she was pretty pissed for like a week. But I learned some valuable life lessons that day, and I attribute the mental maturity I developed during my teenage years as a result of that one, dark day.

>making chili
>bought the Mexican chili powder that is sold in little plastic bags
>try to open carefully
>rip through the hole bag and chili powder goes flying in the air making a huge mess
>powder on hands
>salvage the countertop powder and put into crockpot
>clean up
>rinse hands with water only
>finish prepping the ingredients and set timer for it to cook
>4 hours to kill, time to fap
>begin touching myself
>apparently chili powder can hide in the grooves of your hand until its too late
>"why is my dick warm?"
>*keep fapping*
>"why is my dick hot?"
>*keep fapping*
>"HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS BURNS LIKE HELL WHAT THE FUCK FUCKING SNEAKY MEXICAN CHILI POWDER FAGGOTS"
>sprint to the shower with my erect penis slapping my hips
>turn on cold water
>jump in
>apply soap and water liberally multiple times
>barely helps a little
>get out
>remember that dairy is supposed to help with spicy foods
>jog back to kitchen
>open fridge
>no milk, but theres a cup of vanilla yogurt
>smear cold yogurt on my dick
>cool soothing cream feels good
>go back to pr0n
>blow my load with creamy yogurt hands all over the kitchen
>take another shower
>pain gone

the chili came out ok

>>20219787
>smoking brisket
>didnt let the fat render
probably gonna kms

>>20219831
maybe if you retards didnt refer to it as hard cider then this would never have happened

>>20219787
>making lima bean casserole with ham, bacon, the essentials
>pour what I thought was bread crumps on top
>bake it and get a portion
>it's so salty I can't even finish two spoonfulls
Turned out I was pouring Vegeta all over it. The top is clear, and the seasoning looks like breadcrumbs. Learned my lesson, but fuck me it was an entire dish and prep/cook time down the tubes.

>>20222086
my brother used to do that and he ended up falling all the way down the stairs and slamming his head into the wall. by the time we got to him he was doing agonal breathing in an upside down heap

Whisked too much with introduced air into the mix and made the final texture so mushy it felt like it wasn't done but any longer in the oven would have charred it.

>>20221786
>wonder how women manage to do that.
They don't anymore.

>>20219787
Started a grease fire for like ten seconds when I looked away for a moment.

>>20221786
>I wonder how women manage to do that.
literally their nature

Tangentially related to cooking: I loaded the dishwasher earlier and ran it then, when it was time to get out a pan to cook lunch for the famalam, I saw they were all dirty. I'd forgotten the detergent. Had to wash the pan by hand before I cooked (quick chicken and vegetable curry fry made with a curry slurry made of curry powder, stock powder, sesame oil, mushroom seasoning powder, cornflour and water).
We had it with rice, pickled mustard greens, and "Korean" carrots.

>>20222456
I clean all my dishes by hand before I even put them in the dishwasher. My washer is basically a hideaway drying rack. I'll only run it if it gets full.

>>20222465
My grandmother used to do that. That's some Asian-ass behaviour. She also used to bathe herself, even though she had a working shower and tub, with a stool, a bucket and a scoop.

>>20222472
Tubs are for more important things.

>>20222465
i see no point in not taking the 15 minutes to just wash and rack dishes if i'm just gonna scrub the food/sauce off in the first place before running a 45 minute hot water heater.
once dishwashers can do it all, i can put any filthy plate in it and the machine somehow scours and devours the debris and it comes out clean as if you did it manually, i'll use one.

>>20222478
Indeed.

>>20222485
>once dishwashers can do it all, i can put any filthy plate in it and the machine somehow scours and devours the debris and it comes out clean as if you did it manually, i'll use one
Time to buy one, then. You're not actually supposed to rinse dishes in modern dishwashers. And by "modern" I means ones made in the last 35 years or so IE just about all of them in current use.
Detergent powders and tablets are a powerful base that does exactly what you say: devour the debris. Not all of it, mind you, but the vast majority. What little it doesn't dissolve gets flushed out when they machine empties or trapped in the filter, which should be cleaned periodically, anyway.

>>20221799
>you cant eat raw chicken
another goy scammed by big chicken

>>20222517
the leader of big chickens title is king cock

>>20219792
My kindergarten teacher brought in lemons to make lemonade. She thought she would borrow sugar from the cafeteria kitchen, so she went down there and brought back a 5lb bag of sugar.

Turned out to be salt. She tried to salvage it with lots of sugar, but no dice.

>>20222485
Dishwashers suck shit
>>20222502
This is cope or you're eating off dishes with crusted on and soap saturated shit on them. Washing dishes by hand is unironically better than using a dishwasher.
>soak dishes ahead of time
>run them in the dishwasher
>manually check them all to make sure they got clean
>when they didn't, scrub by hand anyway
>probably give most of them another rinse regardless just to clean off the inevitable speckles of soap scum
Rather just wash by hand as needed, honestly. Dishwashers are the biggest meme known to man and that is why every commercial kitchen employs Dishwashers as a job instead of just using a machine: the machines don't fucking work.

>>20223045
>soak dishes ahead of time
Ah, so you don't know how to use a dishwasher.
Don't soak or rinse dishes before putting them in. They will not wash or rinse properly if you do that. The detergent needs something to attach to to dissolve and clean the dishes. If you dish or rinse them, you're disabling the detergent's efficacy.
The only thing handwashing has over machinewashing is speed. Dishwashers take for-fucking-ever

>>20222502
>Detergent powders and tablets are a powerful base that does exactly what you say: devour the debris. Not all of it, mind you, but the vast majority.
>vast majority

wowie my """"clean"""" plates only have 20% leftover stuck-on food shit on them!

>>20219852
so you got less high AND wasted alcohol. very cool.

>>20220314
I almost had that happen when I tried making caramel for candied sweet potatoes.
I didn't realize that without adding a good amount of cream or milk, it would almost instantly turn hard when it started cooking.

>>20223078
>They will not wash or rinse properly if you do that. The detergent needs something to attach to to dissolve and clean the dishes.
Ah yes, the magical dishwasher detergent. That works magically, like no other detergent, in ways we can only imagine (and isn't like any other detergent we know).

>>20223045
>>20222485
I know this is just how you cope with your poverty and the shame if never being able to afford one but on the off chance you ever win a dishwasher from the Camel Points you've collected, here's a bunch of articles showing that you're a destitute retard:
https://www.bhg.com/kitchen/appliances/rinse-dishes-before-dishwasher
https://www.southernliving.com/food/kitchen-assistant/dont-rinse-dishes-before-putting-in-dishwasher
https://www.washingtonpost.com/home/2023/10/04/testing-rinsing-dishes-before-dishwasher
https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/home/cleaning/a33322/stop-prerinsing-dishes/
https://www.cookist.com/5-reasons-why-you-shouldnt-rinse-dishes-before-loading-in-the-dishwasher/
https://www.abc.net.au/everyday/should-you-rinse-your-dishes-before-stacking-the-dishwasher/12448746
https://www.domex-uk.co.uk/help-advice/should-you-rinse-your-dishes-before-putting-them-in-the-dishwasher/
https://reviewed.usatoday.com/dishwashers/features/should-you-rinse-dishes-before-putting-them-in-the-dishwasher
https://www.popsci.com/story/diy/dishwasher-cleaning-tips/
https://www.foxnews.com/lifestyle/rinsing-dishes-vs-not-rinsing-them-loading-dishwasher-debate
Godspeed, poverty-kun.
I hope you can get that new pair of jeans from Ross you've been saving up for.

>be me a few years ago
>have an annoying roommate who's fortunately moving out soon
>he left a huge mess in the kitchen that I'm dreading having to clean up
>the day comes
>to my surprise he actually does clean the kitchen before he leaves
>everythingwentbetterthanexpected.png
>decide to celebrate by making dulce de leche
>make it the lazy way by boiling a can of condensed milk for 4 hours
>put a pot of water on, plop the can in and sit down to play shogun 2
>2 or 3 hours pass
>check the progress
>water has completely evaporated
>shit, that's never happened before
>feel like this could be bad but not sure what to do
>place the pot in the sink, cover it and go back into my room
>a minute later there's an incredibly loud BANG, seriously sounds like a grenade in my kitchen
>go out
>the can exploded and sprayed caramel over EVERYTHING
>floor, walls, ceiling, fridge, sink, cabinets, down the hall, even the living room furniture
>end up spending hours cleaning the kitchen after all

>>20223117
>Ah yes, the magical dishwasher detergent. That works magically, like no other detergent, in ways we can only imagine (and isn't like any other detergent we know).
Sweetheart, try this: wet your hands and put liquid handwashing dish detergent all over them and wait a while. When nothing happens, rinse it off and get even a dollar store box of dishwasher detergent powder and put it on your still-wet skin (so it'll stick rather than simply fall right off).
You'll see exactly how magical the stuff is. : )

>>20223137
>>be me
b-b-back to r*ddit faggot!

>>20223143
This isn't /pol/, you can say reddit here.

melted the TV

>>20222502
Look at pic related. There's three bins there, a main bin, secondary bin and a rinse aid
People who can't get their dishwasher to properly clean the dishes aren't following instructions. they are likely using one of those shitty tablets in the main dispenser and that's it. When you do that, you have nothing assisting the 2nd (cleaning) cycle, because anything in the main bin will drain away after the 1st (rinse) cycle.
To actually get a clean dishwasher cycle you need to use the main dispenser (or put a tablet in the cutlery tray) AND you need to know what to put in the secondary bins. Even something as simple as putting a small amount of dishwashing concentrate in the rinse aid bin can fix poor cleaning performance.

>>20223122
dishwashers are literally a cope for faggots who can't clean and like to eat from dirty bowls

>>20223143
newfag

>>20223172
That's a cope, the dishwasher makes it possible for me to cook a three-course meal for 12 people

>>20223175
12 people eating off dirty plates.

>>20223172
t. Poorfag McDestitute

>>20223181
That's on me, I should have seen that coming

>>20223170
I didn't think I'd have to explain all that so o didn't but thank you for doing so.
I didn't even consider that people simply weren't following instructions. For fuck's sake, I've used even Dollar Tree powder and it worked fine, though the smell wasn't one I cared for.
I really like Cascade powder but I keep finding the tablets super cheap because some stock boy at my local Safeway must be retarded and damages the boxes when he opens the cardboard they get shipped in. I get them half off with managers special because the box is slightly damaged (as in the strip that keeps it shut is slight torn but the box is still sealed out there's a box cutter slice on the top or side). Couple that with an additional $3 off coupon and they're practically giving the motherfuckers away

>>20222485
Hey it's ok, you were raised poor and that lead to a lifelong pattern of old thinking and dust-bowl behavior.

Anyways, listen to this fruity chink for more.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIf0qQ_jAFY

>>20223223
based fruity chink

>>20223122
>poor
This is the only thing dishwasherfags have to cope with. It must be that I'm too poor to have a dishwasher, which would be a level of poverty on the scale of "can't afford a fridge" aka almost no one in the first world. If I have one it's old and sucks. It couldn't be that dishwashers are universally trash, I just have to spend the price of a car on one with wifi and app control that is staffed by little gnomes who manually wash the dishes otherwise I'm poor and it's my fault the dishwasher sucks. Enjoying the collection of 20 links explaining why dirtier dishes are actually easier for the dishwasher to clean though. Very cool stuff!

>>20219787
I spent weeks making a sourdough starter and when I made the loaf, I didn’t know that you had to use just a tablespoon. I ended up using the whole jar.

>>20223256
>it's my fault the dishwasher sucks
It is if you don't follow the instructions. But then, you're the sort of person who makes 37 changes to a recipe then rates it a zero because it tastes like shit.
Or the sort who ruptures her eardrum with a cotton swap and bitches about it to the company's twitter.
Follow.
The.
Instructions.

>>20223292
Here's the instructions I should be following
>put dirty dishes in the dishwasher
>they come out clean and dry
>put them back in the cabinet
That is never what happens. I will now accept further copes on your part as to why it's better to jump through an arcane ritual to make a machine wash your dishes (and you still have to double check, and hand wash anything it fucked up) rather than just doing it yourself.

>>20219792
I misread the sugar on a lemon meringue and added like 2 tablespoons in a recipe that had 8 lemons.
I was making it for a date and it was so fucking bitter that I didn’t know what to do with it
I left it on near the window an when I got out of the shower ants had started eating it so I just pushed it out the window for them and moved on

>>20219787
Once tried to make one of those Knorr pasta sides, basically fancy Kraft mac and cheese, and somehow added so much salt it burnt my tongue to eat. Whatever liquid you boiled the pasta in becomes the base for the sauce later.
Just dumped the entire pot. It was a double batch too.

>>20219852
>smokes pot through alcohol
>is retarded
I’m sure those two facts are unrelated lmao

>>20223304
>put dirty dishes in the dishwasher
>they come out clean
>put them back in the cabinet
That's what I do, except for the dry part. My dishwasher never manages to dry them so I've taken to stopping the dry cycle once the rinse is done and just let dry them by hand then into the cabinet they go. I don't mind but it drives the missus batty.
If yours aren't coming out clean, try cleaning your dishwasher filters or buying dishwasher cleaner (yes it's a thing, no DO NOT use it with dishes in the dishwasher). Since I keep all of my filters clean af, I haven't had the problem of having to use dishwasher cleaner yet but I have a pack just in case I need to in the future.
Three only things I will always wash by hand are CI, teflon and my tea kettle and that's only because I weirdly enjoy washing the kettle. idk what it is but hand washing and polishing the kettle to like-new lustre makes me happy. : )

>>20223328
He had to be retarded first and completely fail to understand how a bong is meant to function and how alcohol is consumed for that matter

>making beef stroganoff for the first time
>misread the instructions
>add three cups of flour instead of three tablespoons (the font was small)
>roommate walks in on me attempting to salvage the flour
>"so anon... pizza tonight?"

Not the worst but a real blow to my confidence lol

>>20223343
lol
How was the pizza? : )

>>20223351

Delicious and a much better alternative to the cakey mess I was facing otherwise

The night i moved into an apartment and we had pretty much nothing in the kitchen, i tried to spice up some Chinese leftovers with a little bit of Sriracha but i used too much and it felt like trying to eat pepper spray used by cops in india. That or the time i put cookies to bake in the oven and while waiting for them to cook got to seggs with the gf and remembered about the cookies when the kitchen was full of black smoke and had to wake up my roommate to make sure i didn't kill him.

>>20223355
Good on ya for pivoting.
Closest to that I got was adding double the flour to my roux when making beef stew. Gravy needs more flour than stew does and I was on autopilot gravy-mode for some reason. I just made a much, much larger pot of stew. I had to dig out the giant pot from the garage and transfer everything there with additional liquid and veg. I was out of beef so I quick-thawed some mince in the nukebox and made meatcubes (like meatballs, but cube-y) to make up the rest of the beef.
Was good.

>>20223343
>attempting to salvage the flour
what goes into such a process?

>>20223369
No smoke alarms?

>>20223328
I'll rape you like a dog in the street

>>20223377
I don't remember but it was a really really shitty apartment that got condemned by the city a month after i moved out

>>20220728
>tear gas gf
>married you anyways
true love wins

>>20219911
Leave aesthetic scars and look cool

>>20219787
It isn't mine, and it isn't the biggest "fuckup" per say, but I think the impact is massive enough to mention
I took home economics in high-school in the 90s for an easy A, and the teacher made us rinse the noodles in cold water after cooking them, every time, regardless of their use. She would dock points for straining and not rinsing. It absolutely boiled my blood, and the majority of the girls in that class thought it was the right thing to do because the teacher said so. Woe be upon the husbands of those women, suffering their watery, room-temperature spaghetti experiences.

>>20223526
prefer my mallet it helps me self insert in my 腹パン doujins

>>20220358
Biting into the squelchy lump of oozing batter is a very good teacher, though. Definitely reminds you the next time you do it to not fuck it up again.

>>20222240
>chili powder on hands, begin to fap
heh
>why is my dick hot, continue to fap
guffaw
>my dick is on fire, run to the kitchen to dunk it in yogurt, resume fapping
>pic rel

>>20220823
Jesus, how did he find that much seasoning? I got one of them big 7lb containers of seasoning that I can fit a ramekin into to scoop a portion of, but I keep that thing hidden at the back of the bottom of my lazy susan.

>>20220931
Neurocysticercosis. Luckily it's pork so you're likely not in danger of prions, which is basically a death sentence.

>>20221635
I make the Führerkuchen every Christmas. It's literally the best tasting cake I've ever had in my entire life, be it store bought or homemade.

>>20220736
It'll always feel like that. I split my thumb open 10 years ago and it still feels wrong.

>>20219911
Rubber mallet pill me, I've just been punching myself in the head which is good but sometimes it twists my neck which stays sore and stiff for a couple days after. Annoying

>>20223836
Not much to pill about I just have an old Hyper Tough rubber mallet other than hitting my stomach or other body parts with the head it also works to hold the head and hit my inner thighs and other body parts with the handle.

>>20223375

I was scooping whatever hadn't touched other parts back into another container. A folly in the end, but I did what I could

When I was young and retarded I made a whole bag of rice at once because I had never made rice before. Panicked as I realized the rice was literally overflowing out of the huge pot I put it all in and I ended up with like 3 pots on the stove full of fucking rice. That week me and my roommate ate like peasants living south of Seoul circa 700ad.

>>20223868
Personally I'd have suggested just doubling down and adding broth etc until you have a ton of gravy goop and just drain that off to save for later, would leave edible dinner behind and you just have an extra jug of beef strokin' off gravy in the fridge for another day

>>20221093
this

>>20221631
that is hilarious

>>20223143
i can only imagine how shitty the rest of your life outside of /ck/ is if you're attempting to gatekeep this shithole. get a fuckin life.

Making bolognese for my boyfriends parents years ago. I was in a new kitchen and I was anxious as fuck. I used pork mince and beef, winged I'd like I had my entire life thought it would be ok. I seared the meat fine but it didn't cook long enough over all, was lacking basic flavours like salt. I remember it was watery because lack of time to reduce. Just absolutely flavourless, watery.. Yet dry hard pieces of meat. I am so embarrassed still.

>>20220708
All you have to do is cook the beans first and add all tomato ingredients last. Tomato stops the beans from cooking.

I am begging someone to post the lobster cleats greentext,

>>20219859
Rinse it off and eat it.

>>20224173
>gatekeeping 4chinz now mocked
yeah nah fuck off retard. this is why I welcome the out-of-context gore posting--keeps the normalfags away.

>>20219787
I tried making Cheesecake and was unaware that Spring-form pans leak real bad and must be tin-foiled to avoid this. Halfway into baking the oven smokes up and the cheesecake juices are all over the oven floor and smoking the whole house up and sounding off the smoke alarm. The end result still tasted good, but was a bit dry to the mouth.

>>20220728
not only did this make me smile because it's sweet, but it made me laugh to tears
thanks bro

>>20223143
>Thinking something reddit stole from 4chan is originally from Reddit
>Being this new
>Caring this much about "muh secret club in 2024"

ngmi

>>20223122
>on the off chance you ever win a dishwasher from the Camel Points you've collected
Keked

I have two:

>Be me, making pizza
>Love to make one with pesto, bacon, fresh mozz, tomato and chicken breast
>chicken breast is always subvert when I make this pizza
>have the brilliant idea to purposely undercook the chicken so it will finish cooking in the oven
>Hold undercooked chicken at room temp while I prep the rest of the ingredients
>Eat pizza, have a few drinks and go to bed
>Take sleeping pills because of insomnia
>Wake up later violently ill
>Worst food poisoning of my life
>Explosive diarrhea and vomit alternating
>Half asleep because of the pills
>Spend 8 hours in a half dreamlike waking nightmare off shit and vomit

Couldn't eat pesto or bacon for years after that. Somehow chicken breast was fine. A bonus from a few weeks ago. Not me, but my gf

>Be me, just got home from work
>Gf is making chili and cornbread
>Chili is good (I made it and froze it, she just reheated it) but corn muffins look weird
>They are white for some reason
>have her the simplest possible recipe w equal parts Bisquick and corn meal
>She couldn't find the cornmeal and somehow thought cornstarch would be an acceptable substitute
>Corn muffins inedible

I love her but she's a retard when it comes to cooking. I swear, I can't even fathom what kind of cartoon character logic would lead to this logic. It would almost be cute but she's 35

>>20224698
chicken breast is always subvert when I make this pizza

Whoops, meant "chicken breast is always rubbery". Thank you autocorrect, very cool!

Just after graduating high school I worked a construction job for a few years.
Frequently heated up food, usually canned soup, inside a diesel engine powered compressor.
Most of the time one could just put the can of soup in the compressor side, but in the winter we used the engine side.
Well one really fucking cold day I balanced my can of soup in the same place I usually do on cold days, nice spot next to the turbocharger.
We ended up having to move the compressor a few dozen feet, and well my can apparently fell down.
Right on top of the turbocharger...
About 20 minutes later, just before lunchtime, we hear this explosion and steam is blasting out of the radiator.
Somebody hit the emergency stop and everyone started laughing at me because there was MY chicken noodle soup dripping from the ceiling of the engine bay.
And then the compressor wouldn't start for a few hours because the blast messed up some glow plug wires, so I got bitched at by the mechanic.

>>20224698
>Corn muffins inedible
I have an aunt that a few years ago couldn't find the right cooking oil, so she made muffins with DARK olive oil.

>>20224681
nobody here uses le be me anymore. just like nobody posts rage comics or troll faces anymore

>>20224720
Well I do and I won't stop, so eat my entire asshole. Also, rage comics have made a comeback in the last year so wrong again retard. Everyone is making fun of you for your comment so take the L and move on, newfag

>>20223324
Those can yield some pretty legit poorfag shrimp scampi

Got really drunk cooking rice and sausage and woke up to a pan of black carbon and a house filled with smoke. This has happened twice

>>20224729
>rage comics have made a comeback
I've not seen one in years

>>20224718
What the fuck Is "DARK olive oil?"
Did it do some evil shit, like sacrifice a child to Pan or vote Republican?

>>20223085
You need to take some reading comprehension courses anon

>>20224817
The opposite of light olive oil.

>>20220736
>>20219929
these are classic, did both of these multiple times. My favourite was when I was trying to cook shitfaced, cut my fingers open while splitting a carrot, cleaned it/patched it up, went back to cooking and managed to cut it in the exact same way but really deep, almost to the bone. I almost passed out, fun times xd

>>20222311
is he OK?

>>20222485
Well you have to by a good one, the cheapest model at lowes isn't gonna wash anything but drinking cups and glasses well.

I fucked up a bowl or ramen the other day, adhesive on the top was too tight, so when i went to pull the lid off after letting it sit in boiling water for 4 mins it just flipped upside down, little ramen cake sat perfectly on the kitchen counter.

>>20224849
>I only use the sith-iest of olive oils, none of that jedi shit

>>20222126
As someone who burnt many pieces of toast while playing AOE2, I share some of your pain.

>>20222240
Top kek
You have some perseverance in you anon, most lesser men would've stopped when their dick started burning

>>20222478
Based holiday carp enjoyer

>>20223143
Holy fucking newfag
Go back to twitter

>>20222485
Because I don't fucking feel like doing dishes. I don't want to wash every fucking fork and knife individually. I wash big pans by hand but that's literally it. Everything else goes in the dishwasher. And mine was even used and came with my house. I've had one (1) major problem with the electronics and that was fixed within a week thanks to a repairman.
I have had consistently clean dishes. And if there's some crap on a dish, you know what I do? I put it back in the dishwasher to run through again.

>>20223143
holy shit

>>20223526
Begone troon

>>20220728
>zesty Zyklon Chicken gas that suffocates the both of us
lmao

>>20222303
never fucked up that bad but i've definitely used too much vegeta while cooking, the shit is delicious, but can also ruin your food real quick.

>>20219787
my biggest fuck up was following a bon appetit recipe for lasagna, first and last time i'll ever use a recipe from them.

>>20224943
>>20224980
Wat did he post?

>>20225388
He thought that
>be me
When starting a greentext was from Reddit. Then proceeded to tell the anon to go back.
We all just confirmed what a newfag he is and his post getting baleeted is further proof

>>20225388
trolling is a art, my friend. I didn't delete the post the jannies did and gave me a warning lol

>>20225427
you folks got trolled and that was the best post in a while

>>20225567

>>20225567
jannies can't give out warnings, only upper staff can

>>20222126
>but reconsider at the last second because I was already wrong about everything so far
that's pretty smart for a 10 year old, even though the rest of the story is retarded

>never cooked salsa before
>like spicy food
>find a recipe with a bunch of arbols and habaneros
>dis gunna be gud
>toast the peppers
>toss em in the blender
>"Oh boy, I can't wait to see what this smells like"
>open the blender and deeply inhale
>I've inhaled aerosolized pain
After recovering it was some pretty good salsa though.

>>20220728
The Final Spicy Solution

>>20225662
Jannies can "flag" a post and beg for a moddy to come look, anything else is way above their pay-grade

>>20225567
so you were only pretending to be retarded then? good job. good troll.

>>20224310
Seconding

I fuck up a lot in the kitchen to the point my family doesn’t let me cook for them but the most injurious incident was also the most basic- I was boiling water for pasta, went to stir the pasta but found none of the usual stirrers clean, grabbed a ladle, wound up ladling a heaping scoop of scalding water directly onto my foot, scalding off a few layers of skin. Took weeks and many bloody socks to heal.

Pasta was good tho

>best friend and i are 16 at the time
>decide to make steak for the first time
>buy a london broil because thats all we could afford
>put it in broiler (because its in the name!)
>incredibly impatient and anxious, open oven every couple minutes to check it
>every time its not cooked enough
>do this for almost a fucking hour
>say fuck it and take it out
>its both burnt and completely raw in the center
>friend eats it anyways, i starve until i go home and ask my mom to to make me something edible

>>20226951
>>20224310
Why don't you retards post it? You do know how to search the archive, don't you? You know there's an archive, right?

>>20226995
Lazy

any time i try to make a cake from packaged cake mix it sinks in the middle

>>20226995
Bating

>>20219787
My attempt at a pizza when I was ten:
Slice of bread
Ketchup
Slice of ham I tore up with my fingers
Kraft cheese slice
Microwave for one minute

>>20227019
I do that in the shower.

>>20227029
Sovl

>>20227029
doesn't sound that bad, it's just poverty/stoner food. if that's your worst fuckup you're doing pretty good.

>>20220314
oh yeah I tried to do something with sugar and it turned into fucking candy and coated my pot and spoon with a web of glass that took a long ass time to dissolve

>>20224583
is this achievable natty

>>20223122
camel's had camel cash
marlboro did points

>>20219787
I left hamburger helper out last night and I currently have at least 2 rats in my house. I don't know if he chewed on it or walkd all over it. I don't want the black plague or whatever so I had to throw it out.

>>20227259
mm.. hambaga helpa..

>>20227274
Can a rat even actually use a straw or is he just trying to lick the little bits he can get from the top?

>>20227300
yes

>>20227300
sssllurp

>>20227300
Rats don't have the lips nor the lung capacity to suck through a straw. It smells like food, so he's eating it.

Not me but way back in the day my recently married 22 yr old wife decided to make me rack of lamb for when I got off work. Get home, smells like death, she has tears in her eyes. I go into the kitchen and I shit you not a whole bone in rack of lamb is on a george foreman grill, tied closed with a shoe string. Just speechless. Needless to say I do the cooking now

> spend a few hours making stock
> don’t drain it down the sink
> but do fill the sink with running water to cool it down faster
> turn around to do something else
> stock container eventually becomes buoyant and floats under faucet diluting the shit out of it

>>20221786
>I wonder how women manage to do that.
They're evolved to deal with the distractions of kids better

>>20220728
>assure her everything is under control

>be me
>shit faced drunk
>decide to make a delicious Wild Mike's pizza
>pass out
>wake up hours later
>choking, can barely breathe
>entire house filled with smoke, solid charred pizza in oven.

I legitimately could have burned down the house and myself.

>>20219877
next time you are making a steak deglaze the fond with a few shots of whiskey and take a huff or two, you'll get a headrush but OP is a pussy if he says he passed out from it.

my biggest cooking injury was slicing my finger cleaning a deli meat slicer or when my blacked-out friend was trying to saute veggies and splashed boiling oil all over my hand

my biggest fuckup was probably overseasoning a big pot of stew and making it unpleasant to eat. or maybe when i thought it was a good idea to make a spicy chocolate cake for a democratic socialist potluck because it was the trending recipe on NY times that week or something and everyone made fun of me and didn't eat my cake even my gf whose birthday it was, she ended up cheating on me (twice!) with her 17 year old volunteer and then another 2x with other guys. i'm a fucking loser. typical fucking self-hating leftist. i fucking hate myself

>>20219915
lol i just remembered my mom had a bottle of kombucha with chia seeds in it that she let ferment in the hot cupboard for probably 2 or 3 months and gave it to me when i came home. those little shits were everywhere, we were still finding them years later

>>20220157
i did this too but i'm all alone in my life so have no child. no one would have a child with me. and that's good. i can barely take care of a houseplant let alone another living being. i'm 35 and have worn the same tshirt and athletic shorts for a week.

my entire life, i've never looked in the mirror and not hated what i saw. every time

>>20220728
one time i sliced habaneros for a spicy curry i was making for a girl and we started going at it and i put my fingers inside her and i hadn't washed my hands and it burned her so bad that she was trying to call 911 for an ambulance but i took away the phone and i guess maybe that's technically kidnapping or something?

>>20224002

That's funny because I did practically the same thing once

>making dinner for myself
>not sure how much rice to use
>three cups should do the trick
>end up eating rice with every single meal for a week

>>20227580
yeah man, you were close to not waking up at all. damn.

>>20219787
I used salt instead of sugar in a carrot souffle as a prep cook (it was noticed by the dude teaching me before it was finished)
Overcooked two full sheet trays of creme brulee there too
Probably the most vile thing I've made at home was the first time I made phad thai, I used some kind of condensed tamarind paste that made it unbearably sour with normal paste measurements and I also burnt it in the wok

>>20227671
lol u ugly
That said, I find having a kid easier than having a cat or houseplant. When he was a baby, he'd cry to let us know something was wrong. Cats and plants don't say shit.
We didn't always figure out what was going on and it seemed like he was crying or screaming for no reason, but once he developed the motor skills to motion towards things he wanted, things got a bit easier. Eventually, of course, he could just say what he wanted
>dad, I'm thirsty
And now that he's a first grader, most of the issues of having a kid are the constant worry that he's not under your supervision all the time. We want him to be independent but it's difficult to let him go. It's hard to get over the need to protect him since it seems like it was only yesterday that he needed us to do everything for him and protect him from everything.
tl;dr the main difficulty in having kids isn't keeping them alive but dealing with your own insecurities and neuroses about needing to protect them and the constant fear you're gonna fuck your kids up mentally

>>20227210
>actually knowing this
Spotted the poor.

>>20219877
>I don't like french onion soup
WHAT? How? Explain yourself buster

>>20219929
>>20219958
A burn is by orders of magnitude the most painful wound/injury you can sustain, and they also linger for much longer as well.
Please be careful around very hot cookware friends

>>20219969
>>20219975
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLG1ys2CGcI

>>20219787
Sleepy and didn't stir custard enough so it burned.

>>20228157
It's yucky.

>>20219819
I tried burgers once with ground bacon. It went about as well as one would expect

>>20225589
>Hur durrr u troll
Typical newfag defense

>>20219817
B.S

thanks for coming to my ted talk.

Tried cooking some shit chickpeas+tomato+potato poor man's curry when steaming drunk. Sat down on couch waiting for it to cook and fell asleep. Woke up to house full of smoke and landlord nudging me with his foot checking if I was still alive.

>>20219787
It happened recently
>Be me
>Making stir fry
>Recently discover the concept of velveting beef
>Look how to do it
>I don't read it all
>Put baking soda on
>Wait
>Cook the meat with the baking soda on.
>It's 7PM and we are all out of beef.

Shit was disgusting but I think I saved it with enough sauce and Vinegar.

>>20227671
Taking care of a kid is second nature, even a retard can do it. The hardest part is being emotionally available

>>20227029
I had a similar incident as a kid, that my parent still references to this day:
>be 7 or so
>parents went over to neighbors
>fucking love grilled cheese sandwiches
>decide I'll prove how much of a Chad I am by making one myself
>issue #1: don't know how to use the stove
>solution: I know how to use the microwave
>put cheese on bread, put in microwave
>issue #2: don't know how long to cook it for
>remember mom usually stands in front of stove for 5 or so minutes when she males it
>figure that the stove is "stronger" than the microwave
>solution: double cooking time, 10 minutes
>go off to do my thing, probably forget about my sandwich
>parents come home
>twisted burnt mass of what used to be bread and cheese 7 minutes through its cooking
>they take pictures of my work and tell all friends and family about it

>>20219787
Heating up hard boiled eggs in the microwave

I once put some milk to boil and went to the bathroom, I forgot that I had it and went back to my room. The results were absolutely catastrophic.

>>20228738
>hard boiled eggs
Nothing of value was lost

>>20227443
I had something similar happen with a pot of stew I wanted to cool quickly, but when the pot became buoyant the contents shifted to one side, submerging the edge of the pan and filling it with water from the sink.

>Mate come down for the weekend
>I made a mince and cheese pie for dinner
>We pounded back the beers and watched the rugby
>After the rugby put the pie in the oven to heat up while I shave my mates head
>It's raining outside and I start to smell something that smells like a BBQ
>Ask him who the fuck has a BBQ in the rain
>Realise it's the pie
>It's burnt
>Put on a cutting board on the outside table in the rain
>Take a bottle of T sauce and a couple forks outside and demolish the burnt pie in the rain
Was still pretty good desu. Apart from that there was curdling a sauce I was making, burning flour trying to make a roux with olive oil, and making a microwave pasta dish too salty when I was drunk.

>>20228699
>>issue #1: don't know how to use the stove
>>solution: I know how to use the microwave
Kek
>>20228738
I've done that twice

>>20219787
once i was boiling eggs, totally forgot about them. 1.5 hours later smoke started getting in the attic which was my bedroom, rushed down. entire house was filled with smoke. eggs and the pan were completely black

>>20219787
we always had whole crabs for newyears, decided to trust my mom and her friend that they were cooked, turned out to be 12 live crabs plated up, imagine the chaos when the first guest tried ripping off a claw

>>20221799
It was obviously a joke and r*dditors literally drove her to suicide for it.

>>20229239
How the flying fuck do you not realize if the crabs are cooked or not?
Not only are they moving but they turn a different color when cooked. Goddamn that's hilarious

>>20229312
well it was newyears and almost everyone had already been drinking

>>20227664
insane story anon

>>20227664
damn and here I thought pinko agitators had it all worked out....

>>20228163
I've been burned. I'm also an amputee. My stump hurts more and longer than any burn I've had. I had my surgery fifteen years ago.
It still hurts.
It's hurting right now.

>>20230634
ok kaz

>>20230646
I don't know who that is. My stump hurts and I can't sleep. : (

>>20219787
So, so many. Trying to make hollandaise for Easter dinner only to completely fuck it up twice stands out as a big one. Or that time I didn’t clean my grill out and it finally caught fire while I was cooking some good steaks on it. Back when I first started cooking, right at my dunning kreuger peak, I would always try to emulate recipes from the show Food Wars and they rarely turned out as expected. It was all worth it though. Glad I never let it get the best of me and kept trying.

>>20230634
>I'm also an amputee
Next time you hear "Sharp, behind" you'll react appropriately.

>>20222502
>Detergent powders and tablets are a powerful base
they have been shit ever since they removed the phosphate a couple decades ago. Cascade used to be good. Now Cascade is garbage. They are all garbage because it became illegal to include the most effective ingredient.

>>20223045
>that is why every commercial kitchen employs Dishwashers as a job instead of just using a machine
Lol no the reason they employ dishwashers is because they can move fast enough to handle the volume of dishes a commercial kitchen goes through and don't create a bottleneck like a machine would.

>>20223045
>why every commercial kitchen employs Dishwashers as a
They still use an actual dish washing appliance, the machine is only useful if there's somebody around to fill and empty it.

>>20228163
how bad did this retard burn himself? I used to be a line cook and first and second degree burns were just something you get daily and don't even notice. I distinctly remember reaching into ovens without looking or caring about burning my arms on the racks, just in a hurry to keep up with dinner rush

>>20229044
>>After the rugby put the pie in the oven to heat up while I shave my mates head
rednecks are so fucking weird

was making chicken stock and i accidentally dumped in a bunch of shaoxing wine instead of apple cider vinegar
was very bad

>>20230786
Work great pour moi. Maybe your dishwasher doesn't love. Would make sense considering no one else does, either.

>>20229781
That explains it

>>20230648
you don’t know kazuhira “kikongo killer” miller??

>>20219787
>Take a trip to the Japanese market that I don’t get to visit often and get my favorite spicy curry blocks and authentic Japanese noodles
>Boil noodles, make curry while that’s happening
>Take noodles out of water and put them in the curry while it simmers
>Curry is perfect, but the noodles have become boogers from soaking too long
The whole thing had the texture and consistency of cum which was perfect, beat you to it
But I realize I should’ve just added the noodles straight to the curry instead

>>20219787
Tried making pasta al burro with chicken and I fucked up bigly. The fire alarm went off 3 times

>>20231740
More like beat you off to it

>>20220728
she is a keeper thats for certain

>>20231561
Not a clue. Why should/would I?

>>20223324
you didn't look at the instructions at all did you?

>>20231803
He creates some banging hamburgers

>>20219787
I would cook food in the oven on wax paper thinking it was parchment paper for an entire semester in college one year.
Made the entire house smoke up and everybody was too high to notice

>>20231832
Oh.

>>20230634
Do that mirror shit they did on that episode of house

>>20231754
Cheers, I'll drink (cum) to that

>>20231803
It's Metal Gear autism, he was a laid-back dude turned bitter, vengeful amputee
It's not canon but /v/ cultivated a meme where he's a genocidal racist, hence you have names like picrel

>>20231754
lmao
>>20231876
what

>>20224720
>be me
>mfw i only know how to phrase things in "outdated" 4chan lingo
>mfw i have no face

>>20220728
based!

>>20231778
>>20223400
Bitches love drama. If you create drama women confuse dramatic things happening for happiness.

>>20219929

DId this too while making toad in the hole in a frying pan. Burn was real painful and it was a struggle to get comfortable and sleep. Thanlkfully it np longer when I woke up but was very blistered.

This was the one time in my life I didn't immediately put a towel over the handle when takng a hot pan out the oven.

>>20232097
>bitter, vengeful amputee
Yeah, I'm neither of those things, just an amputee. And I haven't played any Metal Gear other than the first two and the first Solid.

>>20219787
one time i microwaved frozen.raviolis in a plastic bowl
god, it smelled.horrible

>>20219885
one time i passed out boili g water on an electric stove, woke up and the pan was meltig. i was all stoned and drunk and quickly.grabbed the pan off the range and molten meltal.dripped and fell between my barefeet. it would have fucked my foot.up so bad
theres still burn marks in my.lineoleum

>>20221268
lmao

>>20225748
lol

>>20228133
dadanon here. yea i always say that to people--keeping your kid from dying is pretty easy. they're surprisingly resilient little animals, barring some horrible accident. being a good parent, however, is pretty hard. that said, i almost teared up reading about the 7 year old girl that just died at the beach when the hole she and her brother were digging collapsed. so maybe i've just been lucky so far.

>>20224715
shit like this is why i went and bought a hot plate and a microwave from goodwill,and plug them into the generator
i used to have a coffee maker but one dude broke the pot and i said fuck it no more coffee

>>20221635
>problematic
We fought for the wrong side, it's never been more evident.

>>20232369
anon you shouldn't use lead cookware
>>20232512
lol at my work there's a coffeemaker from the 90's
they just don't make stuff that lasts anymore

>>20219787
I made steak au poivre for my friends and I once, and it turned out great. Steaks were cooked perfectly and the sauce was smooth and delicious. A couple weeks later, I tried to make it for my family, and the cognac just would not ignite no matter what I did. I foolishly decided to add cream anyways, and the sauce started to curdle slightly. On top of that, I somehow managed to simultaneously burn the steaks on the outside and undercook them on the inside, so I served my parents brother and sisters filet mignon that was both undercooked and burnt, with one of the worst tasting chunky sauces ever. Bone app the teeth! We ended up ordering pizza because the meal was inedible. I haven't tried to make steak au poivre since then.

>>20220728
>zesty Zyklon Chicken gas
lel

First time I tried to make bread I substituted 100% while wheat instead of normal flour. Probably didn't knead or proof it either. Literally just came out like rock. Purposely stuck my dick tip on the edge of a frying pan once

>>20232963
Reminds me of one of mine
>makin' bacon, ass naked in the kitchen, age ~19
>lay a strip down the stupid way, back to front
>jet of hot grease burns my dick and balls

Someone tell me if this will turn into a mistak, 2 packs of soy sauce ramen 2 eggs 2 hotdogs chopped and 2 tsps of a smoked Gouda beer cheese spread?

>>20233002
actually going to be good, assuming you're under the influence when you eat it

>>20233023
Does the influence of obesity count?

>>20233094
Probably good enough, yeah, let us know how it goes

>>20219787
I fucked up and didn't read how much food I would make and ended up eating a portion of chili con carne meant for 4 people straight out of a pot.
>inb4 "why didn't you just freeze the leftovers retard"
I had nothing to put them in :(

>>20233145
just stick the pot in the fridge and you have dinner for the next 4 days. ez. I do this on purpose.

>>20219929
are you a Home Alone villain?

>two years ago, middle of summer
>staying over at my parents house since they're on holidays and someone has to watch over their pets
>get a craving for spaghetti
>go out and buy ingredients
>see a jar of some sort of ground chili peppers in the import section of the store
>"oh yeah that could be good, i can handle it, probably"
>get back home
>start cooking, dump the entire fucking jar in due to my infinite hubris and retardation
>unleash the fumes from hell itself upon the kitchen
>press on in my stupid belief the taste will be salvagable
>finish cooking, try it
>
i put it all into a plastic box and shoved it as deep as i could into the freezer. i'm not sure what i bought that summer that was so ungodly hot but i drank through at least 2 cartons of milk to get rid of the burning.
worst part is that last time i checked the box containing it wasn't there anymore and my parents denied eating it. my greatest fear is that one of my family members took it with them and unknowingly unleashed the horror upon themselves.

>>20233098
its pretty good the beer cheese was surprisingly not overpowering and the "broth" thickened nicely. didnt end up using the dogs just stuck with eggs

>>20224012
I doubt someone, especially someone with a roommate, has on hand enough raw ingredients to translate 3tbsp to 3c for the entire recipe.

>lived relatively rural as a kid
>be like 12yo
>clean dishes for chores in the sink with my hands and soapy hot water
>over at friend's house
>they have a dishwasher
>ask friend how it works
>tells me you just put soap in and it cleans it magically
>he puts dish soap in, closes it, turns it on
>seems fine
>suddenly soap suds, everywhere
>kid screams and cries and runs to his mom
>tells her I did it
>she believes him
>tell parents the truth
>get grounded for lying
>had to use my allowance and oddjob money to pay his parents for the "damages' of $200, in 1997
>months of working just to give my money to those fucking liars
>brothers and i beat the everliving shit out of him the next time he was around, never came near our street again after that
>despite that, I still feel angry about it, even to this day, especially all the adults agreeing that it was my fault

>>20232140
https://youtu.be/jPe8vdvftfE

>>20230634
A lot of chronic pain can be dealt with psychologically. I'm not an expert by any means but a lot of chronic pain sufferers hurt because their brain says it hurts, not because there is any actual pain in your hand. Or whatever the fuck is left of your hand. There is a good chance you've already looked into that sort of treatment but I thought I'd mention it at least