/ck/ - Food & Cooking

I tried to bake an apple pie.

>>19650224
I was cooking Lincolnshire sausage as part of a full monty while in full monty and got burned :(

>>19650224
Made pulled pork sandwiches and beans and potato salad for everybody at work, forgot to salt the sauce again after the beans were added as well as for the batch of pork so it was too sweet and everybody thinks I'm a retard who can't cook

>>19650224
similar situation but with potatoes on a gas stove top. I always liked frying up potatoes with eggs to absorb the alcohol before I pass out drunk. one night I set it all up and put my potatoes in the hot oily pan. laid down on the couch for a couple minutes to let em sear, woke up 4 in the morning to heavy smoke, fire alarms blaring and charred potatoes in a pan. still have the pan but it's still stained from that night, I no longer cook anything before I pass out and have it ready before hand.

I made Seafood Newburg one day. It contained like $45 worth of lobster, prawns, and scallops, plus cream and sherry etc. Part of the process is to sautee the seefood first, remove from the pan, and then make the Newburg sauce and add the seafood back to the pan to braise.

Whelp, all the hot seafood went into a steel bowl. By the time the sherry/cream sauce was ready I picked the bowl up and it was now scalding hot and I flinched and dumped like 80% of the seafood down the fucking crack between the counter and the stove.

A giant pile of seafood poured down, oozing into the floorboard and under the stove into a crack too narrow to really clean properly. I had to press on with the recipe so cooked what was left and then after trying to prove into the space and under the stove to clean all the seafood juice up. It was like 1.5kgs of shellfish and I kept spraying and wiping around and under for a couple days hoping the place wouldn't start stinking like rank rotten seafood forever. What a bust. Pickerel though, the one serving I did get out of it was pretty delicious just a fucking disaster.

>>19650224
>Cook jacket potatoes for me and GF
>We've both had a shit day of it
>Cook comfort food
>Walking up the stairs
>Trip, both plates go flying
>Beans on the stairs
>Beans on the walls
>Potatoes explode against surfaces
>Now we're both hungry and pissed
>We both know it's nobody's fault but we both wanna be angry at SOMETHING
>Hangry people are irrational
>Feel like pure shit just want me tater
It wasn't the icing on the cake, the day's cake was already iced.
This was just a woman cakefarting on the icing on the cake.

>>19650741
kek, reminds me of the story of the women who placed raw shrimps inside the curtain rods to drive her ex crazy trying to locate the stench. anyway, did you manage to clean it up?

>>19650224
I burned 10lbs of bacon at work, it used to happen all the time but that was the most we ever lost at once.

I was at a picnic with my family and my grandfather made a huge batch of pasta and sauce, it was on a stove at the end of a picnic table and for some reason the cooler with drinks was right under it, I went to go grab a drink, I lift up the lid and thought it would would be a tight fit, but it went flying off and in the midst of trying to grab it I hit the stove and started to fall, so I panicked and everyone started freaking out and the sauce fell on the ground pasta fell everywhere, stove still burning somehow fell on me...

the worst I've personally done is put a takeaway plastic box of spag bol in my book bag; the top popped off and the spag got all over my textbooks, I washed them and dried them but for the whole fucking year my textbooks were tinted orange and smelled very faintly of tomato

>>19650741
not nearly as expensive a mistake as you made, but my idiot uncle dropped a metal serving dish of braised pork belly on the floor because he assumed the dish had cooled down sufficiently to be handled with bare hands
>it was not
it was his pride and joy, he was really having a Kevin moment there and we decided we'd agree the kitchen floor was clean enough to eat off of (it actually is quite clean), and gave each piece of pork belly a quick rinse under the tap
there was no saving the gravy, unfortunately

>>19650224
Probably putting a "frozen" pizza in the oven.
I had walked home with it, so it thawed enough that once I got it in the oven it melted right through the grates.
I didnt even know that was a thing until then.
So I had the smoke detector going off at midnight or something and had gotten stoned while it cooked.
Scared the shit outta me and woke my mom up lol.

>make tasty chili with sausage and bacon etc
>neglect to remind any of the invalids I live with to put it in the fridge
>neglect to do it myself because I was foolish to have faith that they'd have the notion to do so
>next day its on the stove still
>open the lid
>the rancid smell is enough to make me gag and nearly throw up
>always thought that shit was just a cartoon thing but here I am retching from the smell of beans and ham and fat
>take it out and throw the whole pot away

>>19650224
When i was a kid i pestered my mom to buy me some expensive cereal i wanted to eat. Me being a dumb kid i asked for the sugar to put it on it but she gave me salt instead and i not realizing it i poured a bunch of it on the bowl.

I started complaining that the cereal tasted bad and i didin't want it anymore. It was obviously salted as fuck. My mom got super mad because i had annoyed her so much, screamed at me and forced me to finish the whole bowl of cereal. I was almost done with it and crying like a little bitch before she tasted it herself and realized what had happened.

She threw what was left and apologized to me but i was so traumatized from eating a bowl of cereal with salt that i couldn't eat that particular cereal anymore. Just the smell triggered a gag reflex

>>19650224
One time I saw a guy throw out some taco bell in the trash outside the taco bell and I grabbed it out of the trash and ate it. I could afford taco bell. I was there anyway, but it was free.

>>19651300
what was the cereal?

>>19651306
Based and ratpilled.

>>19651272
Damn do you walk 15 miles to get to the store or something? How else is a pizza going to defrost significantly outdoors at midnight?

https://youtube.com/watch?v=kOk2Akqb3CI

>>19650224
remake this on >>>/ck/ later please
pouring something hot into my favorite mug and the thermal shock caused it to break and made a mess all over the kitchen floor and stove
probably worse ones but that comes to mind rn

>>19650238
reminds me

girlfriend crushed power cable in sandwich toaster. toast was not ready when it went pop

>>19652115
>I'm on ck
>don't realize it
double fugg ebin

>>19651514
don't know actually, it wasn't like a kids cereal, it was some of honey oats stuff with fancy packaging.

I don't know why i went so autistic over it, my mom had every reason to be pissed at me, dumping sugar on cereal was also a retarded kid thing that she didn't like me doing either.

>>19652121
w-what?

>>19652121
>>19652222
rare doubles [2121] and quads [2222] confirm
something similar happened here with a propane hose and burning oil
I ran to put it out
everyone else was calm
thinking the hose to the propane tank was supposed to be on fire or not caring/didn't notice otherwise

>>19652166
was it honey bunches of oats? that stuff is delicious, my older sister used to buy it for herself and i preferred it over kids cereal so i would eat it and she would be pissed at me lol.

I fried three(3) blenders in one day trying to make liver pâté. I should have stopped when they started smelling like burning metal...

Reflex caught the lid of a falling glass casserole dish as a friend pulled it out of the over burnt my hand instantly and let go then my other hand reflex caught it and also got burnt. This was at the equivalent of a dinner party but not as formal so while everyone ate I sat with both hands in 2 bowls of water one on each side of the plate where my untouched food sat.

I also don't chew my food too much and on more than one occasion while eating steak in a restaurant I've had a piece get stuck in my throat had to leave and spent the next few hours trying to dislodge it while my mouth created buckets of saliva. Top tip drink very fizzy pop like coke the bubbles help dislodge the food in the throat.

>>19652286
>sat with both hands in 2 bowls of water
>don't chew my food too much
At this point I'm only surprised you didn't eat off the plate like a dog

>>19652286
i'll give you a tip, it may sound crazy, but putting minty toothpaste on your minor burns will heal them in like an hour. you should bandage them with a rag or something, so it doesn't get everywhere but it's a miracle cure.

>>19650224
Once lived in an apartment that came with a microwave that operated on a dial (2000~'s version of picrel). I'm just cooking leftovers set for 2 minutes, but I hadn't developed the habit of turning dials past 20 first. By not doing so, the timer is likely to stop moving, thus continuing the cooking for up to 15 minutes I started SEEING smoke then the smoke alarm goes off. I'm left with a smoking pile of ashes and a cracked bubbly plate. Fast Forward, button only appliances. Now my office break rooms have those new "air microwaves" WITH DIAL. No accidents from me since I learned a lesson, but you never know

>>19651299
I don't believe chili went from delicious to rancid in less than 24 hours. How long was it on the stove really, anon?

>>19652324
what on earth is this 3rd world horseshit

>>19650224
Did this before with a Jack's. Woke up to my girlfriend screaming at me because the smoke alarm was going off. The pizza was essentially a small hockey puck by then and fused with the pizza stone.

>>19652349
>kenmore
>3rd world
are you retarded?

>>19651180
I never laughed at this scene desu. Kevin was such a nice guy, decided to make chili for all his coworkers out of the goodness of his heart and then he drops it. It was just sad, I can see myself in that situation and I'd feel like absolute shit.

>>19652361
>turning dials past 20 first. By not doing so, the timer is likely to stop moving, thus continuing the cooking for up to 15 minutes
I don't even see this kind of retarded glitch in analog chinkshit
I don't care where you or it comes from, this is turdie shit

>>19652372
It's American

got drunk and passed out with the stovetop on
my mom was like, "you left the stove on" and I was in a panic, but nothing happened because nothing was on it. i think i made tofu or something i dunno

>>19650224
I was making shortcrust pastry for a Lemon Meringue Pie and I misread the quantity of water by a factor of 10.

>>19652329
(I don't know.)

>>19652386
Try again, ESL-kun

>>19651103
Ah yes my favorite email chain story. I just told my wife that story last week, she has never heard it

>>19652368
agreed. Me and my little sister made a massive, 5lb meat pie from a 4lb beef roast and if we'd dropped it on the floor shattering the glass dish etc. it wouldn't have been hilarious, just sad. Soup like chili is even worse, because you can spend literally half the day perfecting it, and then you trip and it's all ruined.

>>19652265
It might have been. All i know is i didn't want to touch it again, my parents finished the rest of the box.

The only other time i got hung up on a food was one time i stuffed myself with octopus and got sick. I love octopus but i puked so much that one time it took me years to be able to eat it again without having flashbacks.

>>19652480
>i stuffed myself with octopus and got sick
I ate about half a cup of raisins as a six year old and puked it all up
it was pretty impressive, there were half-digested raisins all over the floor
I did not eat raisins for maybe a year after that
>still love em tho

>>19650224
Ordered some pho takeout to eat in bed while watching something, got up to get a drink, stepped on my memory foam bed, and spilled hot pho all over it. Tried to clean it up but it took several months for the fishy smell to completely go away and there was a slightly raised, discolored area that never went away.

Also gave away my Kitchenaid mixer since I didn’t have time to bake anymore, just recently bought a new one because I got into cooking again.

>>19652368
>taking an absurdist sitcom this seriously

>>19650224
used 72% hydration instead of 68% when making some sandwich rolls

I ate 4 plates of turkey on christmas and threw up
this was when I was like 12

>>19652368
its a comedy thats not funny, the whole point was making you feel like shit with the most akward and cringe situations. I never got into it, thought it was too demoralizing.

>>19652543
I felt that way about Always Sunny in Philadelphia, there was a really dark spirit of cruelty underneath every interaction the characters had. Very off-putting. Less so in the Office, but it was still there.

Was extremely fucking busy with uni work, put a pot on the stove for ramen and I just forgot about it until the smoke alarm rang.
Yes I actually burned water

>>19650224
One time, I was making bread with my sister, and my parents walked in while i was groping her ass. I didn't hear them because the bread machine was going and it was one of those loud cuisinart stand mixers with the bread attachment.
They were yelling at me for a long time, and by the time they finished the bread was far too elastic and fucky. Horrible loaf that we had to remake the day after.

>>19652649
Why were you groping your sisters ass?

>>19652589
yeah, and Seinfeld. There's some episodes that i found funny as a teen but as an adult i can't stand it. Its mean spirited and nihilistic bullshit

I give credit to the person who wrote that scene with Kevin and the pot. Cooking for friends and loved ones is one of the purest pleasures in life, it really does make you feel all giddy like a little kid. If they wanted something that felt awful and anticlimatic they nailed it choosing that situation.

>>19652092
It was about a 15-20 minute walk in the summer.

>>19652649
>>19652653
answer the question.

>>19653197
To get (You)s, anon
That's always the answer

>>19653197
>lust provoking statement

>>19652653
>>19653197
I was making a joke about kneading the bread and I started kneading her

>>19653384

>>19650224
>trying to make stuffed plantains based off a few online recipes and memories of getting it at a great restaurant
>get plantains for super cheap at local grocer
>plantains are super underripe, i didnt look up what they should look like when i prep them because im retarded
>mangle the plantains while peeling them, end up with barely any of it left, so its impossible to stuff them
>they immediately get overcooked and starchy and awful when cooked, but they are soft so i continue with the reciepe
>make shredded chicken in the slow cooker out of chicken thighs and a big mix of spices
>the meat smells good and tastes decent, but is grossly fatty and not flavorful enough
>decide to use a new seasoning ive never used, i didnt read the back to see how insane the salt content is in it
>generously season the chicken in a pan
>make taco beef separate with the same type of seasoning as the main spice
>smells great, looks good
>takes way too long to cook, started at like 4 and finishing at around 8 when everything is done
>start assembling """stuffed plantains""" where its slop ontop of a tiny bit of cut up plantains
>decide to taste the dish before serving to my friends because im a dumbass and didnt do that until this point
>explosion of disgusting salt and cheap spices
>fuck it, its 8pm dinner served
>its completely inedible
>throw out probably 2lbs of beef and 6 chicken thighs worth of meat
>we go and get fast food
im still mad about it

>>19652662
Seinfeld is all nihilistic bullshit though, it doesn’t jerk you around from low to high

>>19650224
>first time drunk
>discover I'm invincible from spicy foods
>actually fucking injured my stomach and bled from my ass

>>19653717
...anon, were you raped?

>>19650723
Damn you alchies are crazy, could have burned your house down and you with it.

>>19651272
A pizza crust doesn't "melt", not sure what you put in the oven but it sure wasn't a pizza. Frozen pizzas come pre cooked, you are just reheating the ingredients. The crust is already solid it's not unbaked dough that can flop around.

>>19652277
Did you confuse liver with brick? I know they kind of have the same color but the texture should have given it away.

>>19652372
It's amusing how easily zoomers out themselves. Even technology from just a few years ago confuses and frightens them.

>>19653805
They were supposed to be the most tech saavy generation but they only use smartphone apps that do everything for them so they are more technologically crippled than even boomers are.

>>19653805
I grew up on VCR and dialup, dipshit.
I stand a good chance of being older than you.
I've used several analog dial microwave ovens, and NONE of them would ever fuck up the way anon described.

>>19653810
Kek you spent the last 4 minutes furiously googling "old technology" didn't you lil zoomie? It's ok little bro, can't blame you for not knowing Kenmore, your single mom probably raised you on tears and boxed mac and cheese.

>>19653816
You're one to talk, ESL

>>19653809
Yeah it's really sad. I have hope for the alpha generation though, I think they are rejecting social media and smartphones to some degree. My kid uses a 10 year old laptop and learned how to make it work. She knows more than her mom about anything electronic.

>>19653821
Bro having to turn dials up and then back down was a common thing not just for microwaves. Any sort of timer worked like that. You would know that if you had been alive when the twin towers were still standing.

>>19651272
i put a dr/oetker's hawaain pizza in the oven right away, not thinking to preheat, timed it. took it out, thought looks kinda uncooked? ate 3/4 of it anyways, was sick for days. i dont drink anymore.

>>19653827
I am not so optimistic, i see how my peers are raising their future speds. One would think people our age should know about the dangers of unrestricted access to smart devices and social media but its actually the other way around, they all want to be the cool mom or dad who is hip with all the current yeaar tech and doesn't mind their kids being raised in digital skinner boxes.

Its good if you can keep it on an analogic realm for as long as possible, honestly kids should not even be online, i hope you can keep her out of discord and twitter long enough to develop some critical thinking and useful real life skills at least.

>>19653772
>Frozen pizzas come pre cooked, you are just reheating the ingredients.
is this bait? because no, they absolutely do not.

>>19653794
Well I also put some dates in there because I didn't have raisins and I guess they were super sticky.

>>19653842
Thanks I am doing my best. She won't have a smartphone until she turns 18 and gets a job and buys her own. No social media or discord of course. She has a dumb phone with only calls enabled. If she wants to talk to her friends she can have a real conversation with them. Some fags call it child abuse but I look at my kid and I look at other kids and I see a vast difference. Mine is interested in nature, she raises and sells ducks. She understand how to use a computer and also writes short stories. They aren't very good but it's better than dreaming of being a tic tok star. Best of all she isn't fat because she actually does outside activities instead of sitting in her room all day staring at a phone and ruining her eyesight.
It's telling that almost all billionaires restrict their own children from most tech as well. This shit and social media is ruining the human species. Our attention spans have plummeted.

>>19653850
Please tell me what third world you come from because in the first world they indeed do.

>>19653829
Fuck you, I watched that shit live, bitch
>having to turn dials up and then back down was a common thing not just for microwaves
Yes, and I even know the reason why
Yet I've never heard of that glitch described by anon, in any device I've ever used
There's no explanation other than that it must be some utter dogshit of a device

>>19653858
nta but good for you, i think a lot of parents who have reservations about smartphones and internet are pressured into it by society. my sisters kids are on tablets all the time and they look depressed for elementary school kids, also they watch a bunch of weird shit and are way too hip to internet meme culture. saw that my niece bought some gay manga about boys being gay, shit is depressing. the thing i can't understand is that my sister always wanted to be a mom, she would watch this show called "a baby story" on TLC i think, and it turned out her ex-husband knew he couldn't have kids and sort of strung her along. they divorced and she got with a new guy, had two kids, and now she is completely dropping the fucking ball, like yeah i got my kids they can do whatever. sorry for the blog, but people screwing over their kids and thinking "they'll turn out fine, they'll figure it out when they're older" really pisses me off.

>>19653860
you're either retarded or you are buying some weird ass pizza brand i have never seen.

>>19650224
brother boiled ramen in a glass pan on the stove, passed out, Mt Vesuvius in kitchen.
Trying to move pot of spaghetti to sink to drain, one handed, barefoot, handle snaps off, boiling water and spaghettis everywhere.
Carrying pizza, breadsticks and sauce down stairs, toe get caught in hole in cuff of pants, sauce on ceiling sticks everywhere, pizza saved.

>>19653878
There really should be a test for parenting. We make people take a test to drive but raising children which is one of if not the most important jobs in society anyone is allowed to do even complete retards.

>>19653881
How far away from the equator is your country? There is no such thing as a frozen pizza that uses raw dough.

>>19651299
It had to be more than a day. I've left chili on the stove overnight before and it was still perfectly fine.

>>19653894
I am a white American, so you can stop with the third world meme, and I looked it up and the majority of frozen pizzas are not precooked.

>>19651300
Your mom is mean

>>19653909
>>19652329
In a hot and humid place like say Florida, I can believe it'd start going in 24 hours.
But I'm willing to bet anon left it for 2 or 3 days.

>>19653912
>I am a white American
>I looked it up and the majority of frozen pizzas are not precooked
Why compound the lie bro? If you just said you came from argintina or somewhere in south africa we could have believed that you guys have weird frozen pizzas. But to claim that you are a burger and don't know what our frozen pizzas are like. That's just absurd, this is the worst trolling attempt I have seen in a long time. Do better.

>>19653927
oh i see, you're pretending to be retarded, carry on.

>>19653934
What a strange hill to die on. I really would love to see these raw dough frozen pizzas you claim to find at your local american grocer.

>>19653850
I'm a fatass american who has eaten every brand of frozen pizza that exists at least 10 times. Never once have I seen one that came with an uncooked crust. It is always pre cooked and you are just crisping it up and melting the cheese. What a silly thing to bs about.

>>19653936
>>19653941
look it up. also leave a frozen pizza on the counter and see what happens, bet you won't, because you know what will happen.

>>19653951
kek I've left them in the box overnight because I forgot to even put them in the freezer. Guess what, they are floppy but still all one piece because its pre cooked. You can even see the char marks on the bottom if you look. I can't fucking believe you are trying to make up this insane story that any real american would call bullshit in half a second. You are certifiably insane. I'll be waiting for you to post proof of this mysterious rough dough frozen pizza brand you claim to exist. You won't of course.

>>19653936
>>19653941
so, I'm not >>19653850 and I'm not American, nor have I ever bought a supermarket pizza because I prefer Domino's, but here
>Walmart.com
>frozen pizza
>Great Value Rising Crust - bake thoroughly for ~23 minutes before eating, do not eat without baking
>Red Baron - bake thoroughly for ~22 minutes before eating
>DiGiorno - not ready to eat, cook thoroughly
>Tombstone - cook thoroughly

they all appear to be raw

>>19653960
>I'm not American, nor have I ever bought a supermarket pizza
Then you know nothing about the subject, warning labels mean nothing they are there to prevent lawsuits. I have eaten every brand you listed, none of them use raw dough. There isn't a single frozen pizza brand you can find in a walmart or similar grocer that sells frozen pizza with raw dough. It simply doesn't exist.

>>19653954
they are full of preservatives dude, also some of them are precooked, which i already admitted. most of them however are not. are you ever going to look it up or are you just going to keep talking out of your ass?

>>19653961
>Then you know nothing about the subject
Admittedly, yes. I'm just showing you this.
>warning labels mean nothing they are there to prevent lawsuits
So you say.

You probably have a couple lying around, why don't you take some pictures and show me? I'm keen to know.

>>19653964
>are you ever going to look it up
I don't need to look anything up, you haven't provided proof of anything and I have living proof having eaten every single brand of frozen pizza that exists. None of them used raw dough.

>>19653967
you said all the ingredients are precooked, they aren't, so your original statement was wrong. some pizzas have precooked dough, some don't. i win, you lose, end of story.

>>19653971
>some don't
The burden of proof is on you and you have failed to produce it. This is just sad.

>>19653973
you made the original claim, it's your burden of proof.

>>19653967
>I have living proof
May we see it?

>>19653978
Sure come visit america and I'll take you on a tour of our local frozen food section. You'll be amazed I promise you. They have a really good detroit style these days. It's probably the best frozen pizza you can get at the moment.

But you have to watch out, for some reason the pepperoni only version is poor quality. You want to get the one with 4 meats. Lift it out of the box, dump the toppings inside, then spread a tiny bit more pizza sauce over it because the ratio of sauce to dough is off and it will be too dry otherwise.

Than you can add some extra herbs maybe some sliced garlic. Add the toppings back on and shred a bit of parm on top before baking. After baking a little bit of hot sauce drizzled on adds the perfect finishing touch. It's as close as you will get to the real thing. The brand is called Motor City Pizza Co. Maybe they sell it overseas I dunno. Otherwise if you want to go cheap your best bet is a red baron.

Stay away from Digornio, they are coasting on their one popular commercial but they are dogshit quality. The dough is terrible and gummy and the sauce is sickly sweet.

>>19651180
Well at least you made the best of it and nobody died from eating floorpork (floork).

>>19651103
Yeah I just devised the typical contraption with a sponge tied around a brookstick and after I got all the visible clumps and sauce out I just sprayed and polished the shit out of the area. Was fine, after a couple days there was no evidence of the massacre

>>19653984
Cheers, I'll see what my local super has

>>19653858
>Some fags call it child abuse
nevermind the retards. leaving kids unatended with a device that has all the porn in the world right next to a camera, a microphone and discord chat rooms full of pedophiles is the real child abuse

I almost killed myself/burned the building down.

>be me, 30y/o
>poor as shit
>live alone in tiny apartment
>get home drunk one night
>decide to boil some potato
>pass out on couch
>wake up in the morning to hissing sound of stove
>water gone, potatos are tiny black lumps, gas is roaring

Mind you this kitchen/living room was like 2 by 5. I wonder if I would've died by CO poisoning if it weren't for one cracked hopper window.

I used to leave bagged lunches in my high school locker in the beginning of the year, then they would start to rot and I didn’t want to clean it up, so I just didn’t use my locker.

>>19652244
Checked

>>19650224
I had made a huge batch of marinara sauce and put it in a plastic mixing bowl on the counter to get ready to split it up. My, then kitten, leapt up onto the counter, landed in the bowl, flung it off the counter and into the wall where the plastic bowl shattered. Sauce went from floor to ceiling and all over a set of cabinets and wall. He then tore all over the apartment covered in marinara sauce.

I moved a year later and was still finding sauce.

>>19650224
I made keto cheesecake following a recipe that used sugar. I had a bunch of packets of sweet n low, figured I could just replace the sugar with those 1:1. Turned out to be absolutely vile, sickly sweet couldn't even eat it.

>working pizza place
>huge "catering" order
>plus dinner rush
>2 stacked speed racks full of orders in varying degrees of completion
>about 80 pizzas
>put last sauced pizza skin on bottom of rack
>stand up
>head bumps top pizza tray
>pizza starts domino-ing down
>panic grab at shit
>knock first rack into second rack
>second rack starts spilling all over pizza prep station
>fucking slanted floors
>try panoc grabbing again
>fuck it
>everything fucked
>all the prep work
>all the prep area
>literally no useable ingredients
the cost of the supplies wasn't even the issue

>>19650237
>>19650224
Why would your dad be mad?
You have to be 18 or older to post on this site btw

>>19653858
I’m a stay home dad, homeschooling. We cut cable tv before they were born. I only let them play old nes/snes video games, and they only see what I buy on Amazon prime. Classic Mr. Rogers, pre-1990 Sesame St., old racist Loony Tunes, etc.
They will have a basic flip phone when they start leaving the house on their own.

>>19656287
>Why would your dad be mad?
because i almost burned down the house by drinking and i broke the oven.

>>19656166
kek

>>19650224
Idk about worst but this was the most recent

>>19656359
You fucking weirdo

>>19656489
Bet your ass, and lemme tell ya, it’s infinitely more satisfying than being a lemming like you.

>>19656359
based chaddad

>>19656359
Look at this crazy fuck whose children are gonna be all mentally balanced and shit

>>19656559
Trying to duplicate your childhood for your kids is fucking weird.

>>19656627
You are mistaken. I was circumcised, given the full vaccine schedule, and thrown to the wolves in public school while both of my parents worked full time. I am trying to give my children a much better start than I had.

>>19652649
nearly impossible to overmix/knead dough, and especially tough with commercial equipment. this story is bs.

>>19656733
>You are mistaken. I was circumcised, given the full vaccine schedule, and thrown to the wolves in public school while both of my parents worked full time. I am trying to give my children a much better start than I had.
This might sound kinda fucked up, but have you considered the possibility that forcing your kids to endure unpleasant situations might actually make them stronger in the end?
Granted, this doesn't always work, especially if your kids have an IQ of 104 or less, but it's worth a try.

>>19656767
That’s called “generational trauma”, often confused with proper discipline and boundary-setting. You gonna assrape your son because your methhead dad did it to you and it builds character? I don’t think so.

>>19656774
>You gonna assrape your son because your methhead dad did it to you and it builds character? I don’t think so.
You know as well as I do that homosexuality has nothing to do with drugs. People are born gay and if they want to rape their children, then that is something we should consider stunning and brave. If you disagree, you are probably a racist nazi Trump supporter that thinks child rape is wrong.

>>19656767
It’s mind boggling to me that you think letting my kids watch old tv shows and play old video games equals “forcing them to endure”. Sounds to me like you’re an entitled piece of shit that had crappy parents.

>>19656804
>It’s mind boggling to me that you think letting my kids watch old tv shows and play old video games equals “forcing them to endure”. Sounds to me like you’re an entitled piece of shit that had crappy parents.
Are you fucking retarded?
I didn't say anything about old tv show and old video games.
We make fun of people like you because you want to be perpetual victims even when there is no evidence that you were ever persecuted. Fucking retards.

>>19656810
>we
Lol, okay.

>>19656804
Access to hrt, furry porn and nsfw channels on groomcord is a human right, you are literally a child abuser , bigot

>>19656815
>Lol, okay.
I'm a neet like you. Can you please tell me how to get as many benefits as possible from the United States Government?
I want to be a big fucking parasite.

>>19652543
Based, opinions on the office are the best way to sus out somebody’s values. Screw your politics tell me what you thought of the office.

>>19656819
I want to be like a vampire, draining the life force of others for my own benefit. PLEASE tell me how to be a total fucking piece of shit NEET.

>>19656817
You know, I thought I knew right from wrong, but you’ve really shown me the light. I will cut my dick off first thing in the morning to set a good example, right before I take the whole family to CVS to get our combination flu/rsv/covid/polio/tetanus/shingles/hpv shots. I also have a sudden urge to find local family friendly drag shows.

>try to make fried squash patties
>they just turned into a gooey salty mess
Some recipes can't be trusted

>>19650250
This is why I put so much effort into recipes when I cook or bake for my workplace. Food is one of those impressions you can't shake. The moment I made 1 delicious food item, I became the "really good baker" and everyone now wanted to try everything I made even if I messed up.

>>19656819
My wife is a doctor and we have two children. We are not the same.

>>19656733
wahhhh I got protected against measles and mumps

>>19656359
>I only let them play old nes/snes video games

>dad, can we play Fortnite?
>THAT SOULLESS CORPORATE GARBAGE? NOT IN THIS HOUSE! YOU MAY ONLY PLAY SOULLESS CORPORATE GARBAGE FROM MY CHILDHOOD

>>19656876
Like most delusional, over-educated termagants, she believes her accomplishments and intelligence — those things that are more naturally suited to the domain of men — entitle her to a fabulously successful, good-looking and kind alpha male in his 40s (which you are not). She is heartbroken to discover that most men her age want nothing to do with her, or her similarly situated klatsch of Cosmo readers.

>>19656876
>My wife is a doctor.
men dont care about these things. you are probably just another beta nerd. hot young and tight is all that matters

Gave myself first degree burns on my hand trying to pull meatballs out of an oven.
I used a big baking pan and it completely slipped from my mind how heavy it is. I very stupidly tried to lift it out of the oven with my one oven mitt covered hand, nearly lost my grip, so I instinctively reached out and grabbed the handle with my uncovered free hand.
Oh yeah, I also didn't know about the cold water trick, so the burns on my hand continued getting worse and I got the biggest blisters in my life. Took like over a month to heal before I could use my hand normally again.

The cold water trick is important. Do not forget it.

>>19650224
>Put pork loin in pyrex pan in oven at like 400*
>Check on it
>"ohh...looks a little dry and is starting to burn on the bottom"
>Take a cuppa cold water and reach in and dump it directly on the 400* pan.
>*POP-BOOM*
>Glass everywhere

>>19652435
You're outing yourself as a teenager so hard

>>19651299
That's on you.
You sound like the type to throw a fit if someone touches your shit, and your housemates were probably expecting that if they moved your chili.

>>19650224
>grab can of red pepper flake to put into my dish
>notice there are maggots in it
>freak out and throw the can of red pepper, maggots go everywhere

>>19652372
Dude, my parents' old toaster oven does this and it's from like 2010.
Chill out.

One time I cooked a ton of habenero peppers in this kitchen of a 3 bedroom apartment while a block party was going on and shit loads of people were all choking from the spice in the air.

>>19652324
how the fuck you forget you were microwaving something? 2 minutes is barely enough time to take a piss. did you wander off and get distracted by a butterfly or some gay shit? the fault here is on you, not the dials

>>19656359
yeah your kids are gonna totally grow up to be well adjusted adults. they won't be completely ostracized by their peers or co-workers or anything. guarantee you they won't become drug addicts or alcoholics

>>19656080
imagine the smell

>>19656485
fucked up summer berry galette?
what went wrong?

>>19657233
You're nowhere near as smart as you think you are, Sherlock

>>19657302
Cause cheap toaster ovens are absolute trash

>>19657345
Why are you so upset karen

>>19657158
How old were you? Kinda crazy you didn't know to run water on a fucking BURN.

>>19653893
I get wht youre saying but driving is only a privilege where having kids is a fundamental human right.

>>19653909
>>19651299
in fact the chili should be even better after sitting out overnight
also expecting other people to clean up your shit is retarded

>learn the chef Frank method of cooking sweet potatoes
>try it on baked potatoes: fuck yeah it works.
>Hella crispy outer skin really soft Creamy inside
>my autistic brain thinks: well it must work on everything that looks like a potato
>try making butternut squash soup
>roast the squash the chef Frank method
>all of a sudden hear a massive blast from my oven
>the squash exploded into a million pieces
>squash everywhere, oven ruined
>gf never lets me live it down, banned from ever cooking squash again

>>19657158
>>19657489
>How old were you?
Thats funny because ive been thinking you guys might be 12 years old
>OOOOUCH a burn! Of couse you need water to make it better, duh like water beats fire.
Children, i burned myself every single day for 3 years at he restaurant i worked at in college.
1. Second degree burns dont hurt if you dont pay them mind. They will blister and pop then just leave a purple mark
2. When you are burned, by the time you get to put water on it, all of the cell damage has already been done. Putting cold water on your burns only serves to calm your childish minds

>>19657088
yes

>>19657582
>being retarded and ruining a new humans life because you are too stupid to know how to take care of them is a right
Some rights are wrong.

>>19652324
My mom already re-heated me boiled eggs when I was a kid in that, takes the plate out and the eggs were shaking to I look at her and said "boom", she smiled gently at me and proceed to cut it in slice for me, it went of like a shotgun shot all over the wall.

>>19650224
The first time I lived alone for my first job (apprenticeship, far away from home) I went into some sort of panic mode. It didn't help that my parents really had to fucking choose the worst possible basement appartment for me, where the kitchen was outside my room. I still have nightmares from that place. So in my panic I didn't know what to eat and started cooking some noodles and other stuff. Problem was I forgot to boil the noodles and threw them into the pan, only to realize I fucked up. So I ate extra hard noodles and went through with it just to remember it the hard way and never repeat this retardation again.

>>19657345
peer pressure is good! do everything your peers say ! people who go against the grain drive me so mad urrrgh

>>19658167
>microwaved eggs go boom
I'll take "Things That Absolutely Didn't Happen" for 400, Alex

>>19658195
>different is automatically better!

>>19658308
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfML6xv6FyI
dumbass

Using an entire $20 bottle of red wine and a bunch of other ingredients making a reduction then using barely any of it before tossing the rest because it was just for personal meals and my dumb ass couldn't comprehend using only a fifth of the ingredients. It also tasted terrible because it was my first attempt at making a reduction.

>>19658167
the heat of the egg cooks the wall

Cooked rice while drunk and passed out, rice burned and it smelled like shit in the kitchen for weeks, cleaning the pot was a nightmare.
Same thing happened with noodles once, i threw the pot away.

>>19651300

I accidentally maced myself while trying to make vegetable curry.

>>19658309
you must be very happy with clown world then if you feel mindlessly assimilating to it is super healthy. Hope your daugther doesn't decide to become a pooner and chop her tis after spending too much time watching grooming tik toks

Passed out on alchy and forgot I turned my stove on to simmer my Tom kha gai (coconut Thai soup )

Woke up this morning silicon ladel melted to pan. Lemon grass stalks blacked (ha bbc) and entire apartment reeks of carcinogenic black soup tar. Very sad

i followed a recipe for a steak marinade not noticing it was portioned for 6 steaks instead of one. i noticed before i cooked it but there was so much worcestershite sauce in it and it all burned on the pan, filled my house with smoke and i had to strip and reseason my pan.

>>19658642
Similar experience but not curry.
>Liked cured egg yolk for pasta dishes
>want to make a version with a kick
> take a spice blend I had (pick related) and more salt and put in a knock off slap chop and blended till fine.
> Open container and put my nose to it to smell it
>Powder was so fine that it kicked up into the air when I opened the lid
> Immediate kick and I accidentally did a weird blow then snort
>Can feel the heat+salt burning in the back of my nose
>Spent a minute coughing

>>19656868
if you bake anything for your work and you are not female, you are a faggot. doesn't matter if it's the best cupcake everyone has had in their life it's offputting, like a female mechanic

>>19658767
Grow up retard

>>19650224
I made a giant bowl of pho while drunk, then plopped down on the sofa to eat it while watching a movie. The bowl tipped and dumped the entire thing, scalding hot liquid, noodles, everything, right into my lap. It soaked into my clothes, letting the heat really soak into me, plus my reaction time in getting it off was really slow since I was hammered. I still have scars from the burns.

>>19658167
There is one thing about your story that really bothers me. Why was your mom trying to slice a shaking egg in the shell with a knife?

>>19658687
>if you don't mindlessly assimilate to MY norms then you are mindlessly assimilating into the clown world!

>>19650224
>making this rice sloppa dish
>cook rice in rice cooker
>cook sausages
>veg
>chili
>pour everything into finished rice with stock and stir it up
>sriracha
>grab the whole rice cooker bowl and bring it to my bedroom to eat
>elbow tags the doorway
>i drop the WHOLE FUCKING THING
>most of it falls out on the first bounce
>lands upside down on the carpet
I was so mad

>Making oatmeal
>Look in fridge
>No milk
>Have non-dairy creamer packets though
>Make "milk" using packets + water
>Cook oatmeal
>Absolutely disgusting
>Making oatmeal again (different day)
>Still no milk
>Got heavy cream though
>Try that
>Absolutely disgusting oatmeal again
I learned my lesson to make oatmeal with milk only

>>19652543
>>19652589
I feel that way about The Office but not Always Sunny. The shitty people in TO never get their comeuppance, but the gang in AS are shitty and frequently get what's coming to them.

>>19659055
Are Uncle Jim and the twins also scarred? I mean, the twins always were (based uncle Jim). Post webm on /gif/

>>19659429
You know you can use water, right?

>>19659467
Oats made with water is icky though.

>>19659460
Miraculously, no. The zipper on my jeans protected the important bits and deflected it down around my thighs I think. I've got scarring along the seat of my thighs though.

>>19659263
good luck with your transition

>>19657668
You didn't answer the question tho.

>>19653750
That's called living life on the edge, bud, you should try it sometime

>>19659472
Get thick cut oats, boil in too much water and then strain through a mesh strainer. Perfect texture every time.

>>19659263
I would never ask anyone to do what I do, nor did I. You’re the one getting all hot and bothered about how I’m raising my kids. Stay away from my kids, weirdo.

>>19653989
Why didn't you just pull out the stove and clean it that way instead of being autistic?

>>19659564
it would have caused more trouble and potential damage to the wood floors anon. I just had to find a way to clean it up to get my security deposit back, idgaf about moving large appliances

>>19659579
Lol, my last landlord took my security deposit after saying it was my responsibility to clean behind and under the fucking stove. That piece of shit had a massive heart attack and needed a quadruple bypass shortly after I moved out.

>>19659593
I love a happy ending

>>19659593
how is not your responsibility? you did make food on the stove right?

Not gonna reply to every one I like, but these are gold. Keep them coming.

>>19659762
>you did make food on the stove right?
hes still a rentoid tho.

>>19650723
>I always liked frying up potatoes with eggs to absorb the alcohol before I pass out drunk.
Sounds pretty based.

>>19650224
Ate some expired seafood out of some leftovers they were throwing out in a supermarket in France while I was looking for a job there, obviously got sick and shat all over the place I was staying while half asleep, they threw me out and had to go back to my country. Later I learned they passed a law forbidding supermarkets to give food to the homeless, it was probably unrelated but still made me chuckle.

>>19659788
you're a negative nancy

>>19650224
I got really drunk and tried to make chilli when I got home once. I woke up in the morning to the smell of burning, rushed downstairs to find I had left it to simmer on a really low heat all night. It was a blackened mess, but not completely dried out surprisingly, with half a diced onion and the other whole half just thrown in on top. I'd apparently decided to do the rice first for some reason, so that was actually pretty good, albeit having had sat in the pot all night. It was the idea I had left a gas flame on all night that really got to me, it was one of the last times I ever got drunk now I think about it.

>>19652108
ffs anon fu I thought it was going to be a comedy skit.

>>19653809
They aren’t the tech savvy generation. They’re the tech dependent generation.

>>19653810
My countertop oven fucks up in that way routinely. There’s a reason anything with a knob timer tells you to turn it past 20 before turning it back to your intended cook time.

>>19650224
I once used an oven and suddenly the glass shattered to pieces

>>19659487
.2/10

>>19659534
>You’re the one
you think it's only one?
lol
lmao even

>>19659993
Post oven.

>>19660035
Sorry groomer you won't get access to my kids. Best head on down the road and try at your local library.

>>19656754
Only if biscuits or other bread types where layers are important. But yea, if you are making a loaf of some sort you can't over mix it without leaving it for hours.

>>19653960
The bread is parbaked, meaning it is mostly baked all the way. The bake at home is just to warm it up and finish it's browning. The warning to cook is a) so you don't eat frozen rock hard crap out the box, and b) to protect their ass and satisfy FDA requirements.

A raw pizza would also appear dough like, similar to canned biscuits, which is not true of any frozen pizza.

>>19650224
I left a small pot of rice on the burner, forgot about it and came back to a black mass of char stuck to the pot. Chucked it all into the bin when it cooled down because some of the char had fused to the pot and refused to come off.

My first attempt at making jerky I let it go for 24 hours instead of 2 in the smoker, because the internet was full of shit. Got rock hard bitter beef. Threw it in the food processor to make floss as an experiment to see if it was salvageable. It worked, it was sort of ok meat floss, not great tasting though.

>>19653984
All your saying is that the dough is uncooked because youve always thought it was uncooked. That's hardly a convincing approach there, "it is because it is" isn't the case caused it always "just looked like it" to you.
The dough is very much uncooked for frozen pizzas the dough just doesn't visibly change much because it's hyperproccessed.

>>19660070
Don't have to.
The way you lock them up like a Mennonite, they'll run away from you at 14.

>>19660534
You've already been proven wrong multiple times by multiple posters. How much longer are you going to stick your fingers in your ears and pretend you can't see reality?

>>19660544
You've already been reported to the authorities pedophile, you won't be touching anymore children I am afraid.

>>19650224
>cook big pot of chili
>tastes good man
>come back to eat more later
>put pot on the stove to heat it
>bottom gets burnt, ruining the whole pot
feels bad man

>>19660751
How does it ruin the whole pot? Just ladle the unburnt part out and put it in new pot.

>>19660757
not him, but have you tried that before, or are you just talking out of your ass?

>>19660759
Have I burnt food and scrapped off or cut out the good part before? Of course who hasn't?

>>19660757
I tried to cope by scooping off the highest layers. It still tasted bad, the burnt shit permeated it all. What's worse is that, in those 5 minutes, there were 0 sounds from the pot until it was too late.

>>19660764
Did you have it turned all the way up to max? I find it hard to believe you could completely ruin a large part of chili in 5 minutes. Something in your story doesn't add up. Are you another drunk that passed out for 6 hours and woke up forgetting you had food cooking?

>>19660763
I'm not sure if you've done that to stews and soups before, but I can tell you that the burnt taste permeates the entire fucking thing, it's terrible

>>19660738
But the dough doesnt look like it does when you make bread at home. Thats why hes so confused

>>19660774
I'm sure it can but I don't see how it happens in 5 minutes like that anon said. That is barely enough time to start scorching the bottom, there is no way it would go all through the whole chili in that short amount of time.

>>19660777
in my experience, if a large area of the bottom is burnt then most of the stew is fucked
five minutes? I doubt it
but ten or fifteen on maximum heat? yeah that'd do the job

>>19660777
Maybe you have a weak ass stove if it's still not hot after 5 minutes. A gas burner or even halfway decent electric top will burn food in 5 minutes

>>19659208
It was already peeled but I'm still dumbfounded to this day, like just eat it cold from the fridge like a normal person?

>>19656226
this got no (You)s but I feel for you man

>>19657434
I know you're in your 30s/40s but grow the fuck up
sperg faggot

>>19651086
Good post.

>>19661215
>this got no (You)s
Thats because they literally walked the dinosaur right after

>>19661467
no he didn't

>>19661474
I didn't want to believe it. Hes a clumsy retard then.
Worst fuckup i had working in a restaurant was dropping a whole pan of spaget sauce.
One guy there did drop his tongs into the deep fryer and dunked his hand in for a second going after them, he was on coke though.

>>19650224
I made steaks and over crowded the cast iron and they all came out both burned and raw. I usually make 2 and cook them perfectly but I tried 3 and it fucked everything up

>>19661542
>dunked his hand in for a second going after them
fucking hell reflexes can be a real bitch

>>19650224
Fell asleep while boiling eggs. Woke up to three very loud explosions and egg splattered all over the kitchen

>>19661553
Why did you post that? Lmao. Do you have the reflexes of that idiot that takes the time to undress and dive into boiling volcano water and compare it to the old man that dropped his tongs for half a second?

>>19661596
Nah just remound me of unintentional submergence burns and I thought it might be mildly entertaining. I think there's still time for me to delet post if you think I should

>Preparing some puree soup with my schitty new blender I got for free.
>Didn't screw the parts together tighter than the devil's anus.
>Weird noises.
>Blop!
>Had to improvise my Sunday dinner.
>Pic related
>(Lurking so long, forgot how to greenext. Also drunk.)

>>19661653
anon I implore you to unburden yourself from that difficult POS and just get a cheep stick blender. That's really what you need and in a year or three you'll look back and chuckle at your good decision

>>19661653
Your picrel had some issues so I fixed it for you.

>>19661673
Thanks, aussie anon.

>>19653384
How did she react? Did she get mad?

>be about 15 or 16
>making a lemon meringue pie
>crust is done, pour in the lemon
>everything going perfect
>open oven
>brush my hand against hot metal
>flinch and spill it all over inside the oven and over the door
>oozes down through the hinges and down the front of the oven
>too hot to wipe up immediately so let it cool first
>cakes on so well due to the sugar that nobody ever got it completely clean
>oven smelled like burnt lemon for almost a week
>no desert for family that night

>around same age, really into those cake shows on food network
>decide to bake a cake, comes out perfectly
>attempt to make fondant for the first time
>somehow fuck it up
>whatever, guess I just have a nice glaze now
>drizzle it over cake, looks nice
>only myself and sister ate a slice
>nobody else touched it
>next afternoon when I get home from school, notice dozens of fruit flies somehow got under the lid on the cake platter
>have to throw away a huge-ass cake I worked hard on

>family has had a set of pots and pans since before the great depression
>including a kettle
>decide to make tea one night
>set kettle on stove, go back to room to play vidya
>forgot to put the whistle on it
>forgot about it entirely
>hours later, smoke alarm goes off
>somehow managed to burn both water and metal
>kettle twice as old as anyone alive in my family has to be thrown away, completely ruined

>>19661653
Based booze lurker, I recall struggling to remember how to spoiler a year or two ago until I remembered "oh yeah! Ctrl+S!"

I made a bowl of canned soup and then the bowl slipped and my soup was all over the floor and I cried.

When I was learning to cook I tried to make scrambled eggs and it looked mushy and I thought I did it wrong and threw it away. I just needed to cook them more.

A couple times I have forgotten to add salt to my dish before cooking it.

My first time making fried chicken I didn't realize how long you have to fry it.

Tried making a potato pancake but I didn't cut the potatoes thin enough to cook through, and my then bf also said they should he crispy so he just finished cooking it. And actually I was supposed to grind the potatoes but I didn't have the tool anyway.

Too much vinegar in a russian vinegarette salad.

I tried to make brownies from scratch, not a box, and so much went wrong I don't even know but they were inedible. Cake is easy but brownies I just buy them or use the box mix.

I am self taught and that's it really.

>>19661735
>A couple times I have forgotten to add salt to my dish before cooking it.
can you clarify this one a bit, I am confuze

>>19650224
>make tomato sauce
>accidentally burn it
>try to compensate for the bitter taste with wine and sugar
>now it just tastes bitter, and like wine
>go have a breakdown because it never happened before (or afterwards) that I couldn't fix a ruined dish like that
I was 15 at that time. Now, more than ten years later, I still think about that day and wonder what went wrong.

>>19661735
I'm confused as to your attempt at potato pancakes. Did you just slice the potatoes and dip them in batter or something? I don't even.

>>19661741
Salt is not just flavor itself but it adds to the flavor of other ingrediants by cooking. If you forget salt it might taste a little bland, and if you add salt after it tastes too salty. You can't go back and add salt. And in my head I was distracted so I simply forgot.

>>19661747
I sliced them small and thought they would cook.

>>19650723
I wait til i wake up miserable and hungry for eggs and potatoes.

>>19651300
fun fact: that could have killed you.
A woman in germany once (accidentally) killed a child by overdosing it on salt.
long story short: the kid had a pudding, which it wanted sweetened. It accidentally grabbed the salt, poured it into the pudding and spilled a bit.
The child tasted it, and noticed its mistake by telling her stepmom "it tastes bad". The stepmother saw the spilled crystals, thought it'd be sugar and forced the child to eat the entire pudding. Which contained about 32g, which is lethal for a child of that size.

The woman got off with a bit more than 1 year on probation, because "nobody knew that salt could be lethal"

https://www.stern.de/panorama/verbrechen/prozess-fatale-salzpudding-vergiftung-3497450.html

>>19652324
Wut, as a kid in the 90s even our old ass microwave from probably the late 80s at least had buttons, even my grandma's microwave had buttons..

>>19653913
Not at all, she was the greatest. I was just pushing her buttons too hard that day and the rest was an honest mistake that could happen to anyone. She felt terrible afterwards.

>>19661808
thats extremely sad.

>>19656226
that sucks