/ck/ - Food & Cooking

>>19234491
Ruined with literal poison. Lmao.

>>19234525
you're poison

>>19234491
>tfw no BECV brekky.

>>19234537
Shilling for seed oil infused, reddit ketchup, overpriced scam salsa with literal poison in it is poison.

>vark
Mogged by the 'bird

>>19234574
never had it, I just know you're a fag

>>19234574
You're a schizophrenic who shows up in literally every vark thread to say this. How poor are you that you need to buy cheap condiments?

>>19234718
More money than you, guaranteed. I just enjoy calling out shills. It's fun.

>>19234727
Except you're an anti-vark shill, probably paid by big sauce to take down the gourmet and niche alternatives

>>19235189
Ah... you think Secret Aardvark is your ally. You merely adopted the 'Vark. I was born in it, molded by it. I didn't taste Sriracha until I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but MILD!

>>19234574
>rebdit ketchup
Perfect

>>19235203
But the implication that it's bad because it contains tomatoes makes no sense

>>19235437
What about the implications that the trannies, midwits, and mixed race mutts over at rebdit can't shut up about it? It has nothing to do with tomatoes, lad.

Aardvark is extremely disappointing. I'm starting to think the whole Portland foodie meme is just that their food is bland.

>Vark posting after the astroturf campaign years ago
>in 2023

>>19234525
>>19234574
>literal poison

>>19235657
I'd say that the implication that it's bad because Reddit likes it makes no sense either. It's not like they like it because the company donates money to drag queen story hour or whatever. They just like it because it tastes good.

>>19235668
>go to fancy restaurant
>order expensive food & wine
>survey available condiments
>sigh loudly, snap fingers to summon waiter
>Excuse me, boy, may I see your hot-sauce menu?
>"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have one."
>Well, I already know what I want anyway. Fetch the Secret Aardvark, chop-chop.
>"The what, sir?"
>Se-cret Aard-vark? You know, the world's premier sauce?
>"Pardon me, sir, but I don't think we have that."
>Ah, so you ran out. That does tend to be a problem. You should inform your sauce-melier immediately. But fortunately... (wink & smile, reach inside jacket)... I always carry my own.

It's important to have this conversation loud enough for all patrons to hear.

Leave the bottle on the table with the logo facing outward. Before each bite, make a big show of opening the bottle, extracting a single drop of "red gold", and closing the bottle with a loud snap. Also frequently exclaim (to no one in particular) "Mmmm mmmm! That's my 'Vark!"

If anyone looks over, be sure to smile, wink, and hold up the bottle, in case they want to take a picture for social media. Of course you'll also want to get your own photo showing the bottle next to your meal and yourself leaning in, mouth agape at the zesty spice. (Don't forget to tag #varklife! One lucky winner this month will get a limited-edition Secret Aardvark® Nintendo Switch!™)

Last but not least, when paying the bill, on the "tip" line, write:

>'Vark goes great on 'za! :^)

In the #varklife, we call that a Coup d'Vark. #AlwaysVarkin

>>19235686
Look into calcium chloride. Absolutely NO reason for it to be in the tomatos that constitue 85% of their "hot sauce"

>>19234491
gotta have muh vark!

>>19235757
Sorry, son. But if redbit is shilling for it, it's probably fucking gay. We're talking 70% likelihood here.

>>19235784
I've looked into it and determined it seems fine

>>19235787

>>19234491
Embrace BBS fren. Love it. Live it.