/ck/ - Food & Cooking

where's the bathroom

>>18819391
God you look like an insufferable fucking faggot

>>18819391
The manliest (read: non-alcoholic) cocktail you can make.

>>18819418
Good stuff, keep it in a fridge for a week for the best effect.

Sex on the beach ;)

>>18819424
Oh yeah, i'm gonna order a drink at a bar, take it home and keep it in the fridge for a week

double whiskey on the rocks
hold the rocks

>>18819431
>hold the rocks
For how long? They're very cold

>>18819428
>pours you Stolichnaya on the rocks

>>18819391
I would like a Ramos Gin Fizz

Be sure to shake well ;^)

>>18819391
this dude looks exactly like my dad when he was young.

>>18819391
First of all youre holding that shaker wrong,

But il take a negroni with 1 triple frozen idce cube and a cube of orange instead of the peel garnish

extra extra dirty martini with your well vodka. cocktail onion garnish

>>18819391
500ml of clown piss and a massive vaccine injury.

THIS BAR IS FRIGGING DISGUSTING

>>18819391
Well, good sir, I would. Normally like a beer but today I feel like something special. Give me an americano (not the coffee kind); and please use an excellent vermouth.

>>18819391
painkiller please

>>18819391
Got any cyanide back there

>>18819391
Chocolate milk that's been inside my little sister.

An algonguin please.

ummm can I see the menu?

>>18819391
can i get a shot of your worst tequila and 15 natural lights?

Twink bussy.

>>18819404
What the FUCK have they done to that poor BMW?

>>18819391
Just a Negroni. After that I'll know if you're worth anything.

>>18819391
Yes my good man Ill have an absenthe with an E bloody cold pored over a lump of suger into a shot glass with three mint leafs .The best drink 20 dollars can buy makes a man want too cut off an ear lol.

>>18819391
For me, it's Talisker 10

Bud Dank, neat.

Keep it simple. Whiskey and Coke. Match made in heaven,

>>18819391
double captain morgan or sailor jerry if you have it with ginger ale and a lime

Oh fuck I can't remember because I drink too much, but it's the one with coke and lemon and like 4 different liquors

boulevardier

>>18821397
It's long Island iced tea- I'm retarded xD

>>18821410
I was gonna say this too. But it's usually my last drink of the evening. My thinking is that it will allow me to continue to get drunk on the cab ride home as it works its way through my system.

but seriously how do you know what your options are without a menu?
I have no life so this gives me lots of anxiety. how do you guys know what to order??

>>18820244
Sazarac, save the absinthe

>>18822210
Act like they're a pleb if they don't know or can't make your drink, then ask "well what CAN you do" while nudging your 10/10 date and laughing

>>18822210
Anything on the IBA cocktail list.

A Negroni with Averna instead of Campari, please.
Yes... it's a black Negroni, but we're both way too pale to call it that.

>>18822210
It depends on the bar. If it's a little more upscale and not packed, order whatever - as long as you know something about it. Chances are, if they don't know how to make it, they'll ask you. If it's jammed, stick with something a bit more common. If it's a sports bar, stick with beer or simple highballs - they're probably not going to know or care what a Boulevardier is.

I'll have a screaming orgasm. And to drink I'll take a martin ;) .

>>18822262
Hi, I'm Martin.

Tap water, thank you very much.

>>18822266

Hi Martin.

>>18822281
Hi! I was told you requested me, and a screaming orgasm.

>>18819391

Glenlivet, neat.

>>18819391
Apple Juice, unsalted.

>>18819391
perfect rob roy with a few dashes of orange bitters, if you try to upcharge me with some fancy scotch and not a nice shitty blended scotch I'll fucking glass you cunt

>>18822602
It wasn't exactly this - sounded like the guy was trying to order a Vesper with expensive vodka and cheap gin - but because of a similarly pointless threat at the end of an order, I found out that someone donated some railway wrenches to my local bar! Moral of the story: Don't order from the end of the bar, where they can walk around and cup your nuts with the second wrench while the spike of the first one's still jabbing your neck.

>>18819391
Meet Someone's Eyes

>>18822645
Is that a drink order or a Tyler Durden impression?

>>18822650
More of a subtle admission of degeneracy.

>>18819391
Campari, pure, with ice.

>>18819391
Chocolate milk. Extra ice.

>>18822812
Would you like it in your sister, or out?

Some 'Sex on the Beach', si voo play

>>18819391
Steel Reserve and whole milk, on the rocks.

>>18822911
A man of taste!

>>18819391
What do you got?

>>18822923
All of this stuff behind me, in various combinations; all of the beers labelled on these taps, as well as the bottles and cans in the glass-doored fridges; and Coke products that come from bags inside boxes.

Double Blantons neat. Know where I can find some blow?

>>18823069
Yeah, the fucking kitchen mate.

yes can I have one uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

>>18819391
Don't TALK to MEEE!
HELP!
I'M BEING RAAAPED

>>18819391
my local bar has $4 wells, the bartenders usually have my rum and coke ready for me between the time I walk in and sit down

>>18820544
Forgot what it was called but it's something weird hipster type people do to bikes.

>>18819391
Do you have any cream soda?

3 gin and tonics, keep em coming

>>18823092
Mine used to have a pint of Trois Pistoles ready for me (and they'd just charge a pitcher if I had three)... They ran out of Trois Pistoles one day, and I've been switching it up ever since. Screw this sorting out dinner crap, I'm just gonna head over there, see what the specials are this week and order some really frilly drink. Think they'll know how to make a Singapore Sling?

>>18819391
Malfy pink gin. Hibiscus tonic. Leaf of crushed basilic.

>>18823151
Let me just infuse the hibiscus and quinine into this soda water. Come back in a week when it's done and your balls have dropped you ponce.

>>18819391
Beer

>>18819391
a sazerac. give me a french 75 in ten minutes. give me my car keys five minutes after i finish.

can i get a banana

>>18823197
Why hand over your keys in the first place? What kind of bars are you hopping mate?

single malt, on the rocks, keep the peanuts coming

>>18823304
here you go sir

>>18823339
quite the comedian huh

>>18823366
i'm also a dermatologist

>>18819391
i don't drink and i don't even want water. when i go oui, i'm deliberately dehydrated to look good in a crop top, which just means being slightly more hydrated than a normie. also, i don't want to try getting my arm warmers and kandi out of the way to pee and wash my hands

Bubble tea please, easy on the bubble

>>18822638
bartenders are all soft cunts
t. soft cunt former bartender

>>18823453
The bitches who sling brews at my local ain't nothin' ta fuck wit. The two guys they hired and most of the servers are weak people-pleasers, but the crusty wenches behind the bar will absolutely serve you your own teeth if you step too far out of line, shaken - not stirred.
>t. Guy who's been slapped for saying "You make gorgeous kids, so why can't you make a proper fucking drink?"

>>18819391
Milk, splash of chocolate and a swig of strawberry

>>18819391
a personality so people want to be around me.
Oh. ok please just give me alcohol.

>>18823453

What about mixologists?

>>18823809
The softest of cunts. They've got a creamy filling.

>>18819391
busch light, on the rocks

in the last year i turned into a moderate drinker. drinking 1 or 2 drinks 4 nights a week or so. sometimes id have 3 drinks in the night. strong beers too. decided to stop. haven't had a drink in a month. the cravings were mild, but there. but now what? i never drink again? kinda boring.

>>18824504
If you feel it's a problem, don't drink. If you can celebrate, mourn, or exist with or without it, then it probably isn't a problem.

Gin and tonic is fine.

Natty Dank (dirty) over ice with a room temperature spliffa. And make it fucking snappy.

>bloody mary, extra spicy
>oh sorry we dont have that
what the fuck australia

>>18821194
Is Pepsi ok?

>>18819391
whiskey and a beer, please

>>18822210
>Name an alcohol you like
>Name a mixer or flavour you like
>Let bartender figure out the rest

>>18824998
if you cant drink the whiskey without a chaser, why even bother. what a sissy

>>18824999
uuuh uh uuuh ch-chocolate milk and e-ever clear, si-mam, sir

>>18825072
are nuts considered chasers? their salt makes the tongue tingle and the whiskey taste somewhat better

>>18825076
tell him to eat more pineapple man

>>18823685
TOPP LADD

>>18819391
Water.

>>18819391
>"what do you have on tap?"
>wait for one that I know has a higher ABV
>pick that one

why do people spend so much money for barman to pour a drink when you can buy the exact same bottles and your it yourself for much cheaper?

>>18825916
Because I only want to spend $10 for one cocktail, not $60 for two different a spirits, bitters, fruit juice and fresh citrus

Give me a nyquil and everclear. Extra caffeine please

>>18823304
you are under 21

>>18825923
Are you just going to have the one cocktail, ever? This one Mai Tai and then I'm done drinking for good!

I drink for evil - I'll go play wingman at the gay club, crush six Mai Tais, break some hearts, then drag my buddy and his new he-wife to my pub for some whiskey and beers, have some good back and forth with the barmaids, and go home to catch hell from the missus.

>>18825916
>why do people
Socializing

>>18826888

>>18827049
I hate niggers as much as the next anon but for a social animal socializing is arguably more important than eating: if you're hungry today you can always eat tomorrow and two days from now you'll be fine, but if you're an a social pariah today and an outcast tomorrow two days from now you're done for. And alcohol is just a vector to facilitate socializing, and a great one at that.

>>18827049
I didn't know the English put a cucumber up Jung's ass. I wonder if he ever got it out.

>>18821397
>>18821410
>>18821532
if you can, try asking for a Short Island Iced Tea.
Its all the shots that go into a Long Island lined up and you smash them all back to back.

>>18828087
Solid tip, I didn't know that was a thing

>>18828952
That is not 100% a thing except for the one shitty college bar that guy goes to.

Hi, I'm currently a bartender at one of the best bars in the country (officially recognized twice this year).

Ask me anything.

>>18828982
what is the correct amount of limes for a g&t
yes there is a right answer

>>18828994
One.

>>18829002
false and your bar is officially recognized twice this year for being gay

>>18827049
Jung was literally the meme about Euros seething when an American does literally anything because Teddy Roosevelt had the self confidence to laugh

>>18829012
[citation needed]

Difford's says one lime. Peter Meehan says one lime. Whatever gay ass source you're going to pull out of your ass thinking you're some glib smug fuckwit is going to be wrong or so arcane and obscure that it's irrelevant.

I deal with gay amateur cocktail nerds like you every single night. Don't think you're anything special.

>>18828994
There's in no one answer and not all limes contain the same amount of juice. There will be little difference but you could make 5 G&Ts with the same amount of lime and they will all be slightly different

>>18829023
The source is me and youre a faggot. I have no other specific cocktail opinions besides this

>>18829147
Sorry widdle baby needs more wimeys in his dwinkie

>>18819391
Cum, shaken not stirred

>>18829152
yes sir i do sorry im not impressed by whatever faggot organization is "recognizing" your dive that'll be two limes and keep the change

>>18820544
>>18823127
they're unironically called "cafe racer"

>>18829159
Two limes is little baby shit. Might as well get three, twinkledick.

>>18829171
make it four actually so i have something to make a mess on your shitty bar with too

>>18827049
Yet more proof Jung didn't have a fucking clue what he was talking about.

>>18829190
That'll be $20. :)

>>18819418
nothing comes close. Had one with gin instead of vodka and I wanted 5 more

>>18829228
man looks like i dont have anything left for tip. ill get you next time faggot

>>18829239
That's alright, we're going to do 700 covers tonight and every night for the foreseeable future. Your $2 isn't missed or even noticed when I walk out with $450 tonight.

>>18829243
all that money but cant make a g&t its a damn shame

>>18822210
>but seriously how do you know what your options are without a menu?
cuz like 95% of the shit people order is
>pint of beer
>rum n coke
>gin n tonic
>long island iced tea
t.former bartender

>>18822210
just learn some cocktail names and they can probably make them. "hey can i have a manhattan/daiquiri/negroni/white russian/moscow mule/etc." they can probably do. only exceptions are if they dont have something specific
>oh we dont have bloody mary mix
>sorry no OJ (for a mimosa or something)
or whatever.
if you just want liquor be like "do you have any mid tier mezcal" or something. or ask what beer they have

>>18822242
lmfao no one is going to know how to make a Golden Dream or Horse's Neck off the top of their head.

>>18829257
>>18829269
These are the right answers. No one is walking around with a compendium of cocktail recipes in their head. This isn't the 1950's.

Just figure out a simple cocktail that you like and stick with it everywhere you go. Don't ask for a mojito, don't ask for something gay and stupid like a singapore sling that has six ingredients. If the bartender has to touch three bottles for a cocktail, they will hate you. Don't ask for anything with red bull. Don't ask for long island iced tea unless you're in a club setting (if you don't know the difference between a club, a pub, a bar, a cocktail lounge, etc, then don't ask for a long island iced tea).

If it's a reasonably okay bar, just ask for a rum daiquiri if you want something refreshing and light. It's delicious. Rum, lime, sugar syrup, shaken hard and served ice cold. If you want something boozier and more.. "manly", ask for a Manhattan or an old fashioned. If you want something manageable that you can sip on for a while, get a highball, which is spirit + carbonated liquid: vodka soda, gin and tonic, tequila soda, whiskey soda. You can just ask for a Jameson highball and the bartender will know what you mean.

You can always ask for a whiskey on the rocks or neat and the bartender will totally respect you for it, especially if it's a nice whiskey. You'll need to specify by brand. Doesn't ask for "whiskey on the rocks", that's what fucking alcoholics and retards ask for.

Don't ask for doubles. Don't ask a bartender to "make it strong". Just order a drink like a real, normal human being who isn't a total retard and is visiting earth for the first time ever.

My usual drink order is a Victoria (mexican beer) and a fernet (italian amaro, very bitter, very unique). A boilermaker or "shot and a beer" is a common combo that will put your bartender at ease.

>>18828982
Proof

>>18819391
Gimme a negroni

>>18819391
Dis nigga lookin zesty

>>18829303
>Never order fancy cocktails
Okay Mr faggot so where and when ARE you supposed to order those fancy cocktails that are annoying to make at home because they usually require some hard to find liqueur and other nonsense? Your advice boils down to order straight liquor or a beer. NIGGER

>>18829590
When you're at a bar with a menu and those fancy cocktails are on the menu, you fucking retard.

Like, if they have mojitos on the menu, order a fucking mojito. If you're at a tiki bar with lots of rum cocktails, order a singapore sling.

If it's a well-stocked bar in a nice hotel, you can usually order anything you want and they'll make it.

>>18819391
A can of your delicious Miller Lite please

>>18829134
What are you doing ginger? The lime's a functional garnish.

>>18829590
He, or someone else nailed it with >>18830716
but read the room. The cunt in OP's pic is probably not a bartender, but if you see a bartender who looks like him in a bar that looks like that, you can probably order whatever you want - if he doesn't know how to make it, he'll probably ask you. If you're at a club, a sports bar or an Irish pub, you're better off keeping it simple - those chicks don't want to work, and they'll avoid you if your tips aren't worth the extra minute or two making your drinks.

A long island iced tea, a shot of tequila and a boilermaker

get me a sall tulip shaped nosing glass and pour me a dram of lagavulin 16 white horse from 1989, thank you.

gimme an old fashioned

>>18831299
We don't stock Islays or anything Diageo's touched. Can I interest you in something less... Harajuku?

>>18831329
well get me a beer and peanuts then

>>18819418
>put acid in copper pitcher
>mmm so tasty
>why am I dying from copper poisoning?
>ack

>>18831413
It's copper on the outside, stainless on the inside.

>>18819391
lots of ice
equal parts whiskey/lemonade
fill rest with water

>>18824999
end up with sugary mess "almost" every time

>>18831413
WILSON!!!!!!!!

>>18831454
Every single time. You’re going to get a well spirit and Finest Call sweet and sour mix, plus blue curaçao.

>>18831522
>WILSON!!!!!!!!
why you yelling that?

>>18819391
Tom Collins pls

>>18819391
Brandy daisy please

>>18819429
the joke is that it would give you copper poisoning

>>18819391
I just ask the bartender to make me whatever. He's always trying new shit out. Last one I had that was good was a take on a Last Call, but with Absinthe. It was very good, not overly sweet, lots of flavor. I only had two sips of it before the girl I'm talking to and one of her fag roommates drank the rest of it because they are broke moochers.

i want the midori

>>18822638
whole scenario sounds like gay porn

>>18831610
Because everyone in this thread now has Wilson's disease. The Kayser-Fleischer rings are a dead giveaway.

>>18832014
You watch some interesting porn. Got any links?

>>18829303
>If the bartender has to touch three bottles for a cocktail, they will hate you

By definition, a cocktail must have three or more ingredients. In the vast majority of cases, at least three of those will be liquids.

Fuck you faggot

>>18832054
>He excludes highballs
>UnderagedGirlsLaughingAtTheBar.webm

>>18832068
Highballs are not cocktails, hence the distinctive name. A cocktail has at least three ingredients, and some definitions require at least three liquid ingredients.

>>18832077
Oh shit, I put a drop of bitters in your Cuba Libre
>LittleGirlsGettingOverservedWhileYouArgueSemanticsOnAFijianEggFortBuildingForum.mp4

>>18832077
https://www.diffordsguide.com/g/1086/highballs/what-is-a-highball..

>>18819391
liter of vodka with a shot of cola

>>18822911
are you my dad?

>>18819398
Imagine being so insecure you get kicks ragging on strangers looks on the internet. You'd never fucking say this to his face so you're not just pathetic, you're a coward as well.

>>18832241
Hey, at least I'm good looking.

>>18832389
got me there

>>18832077
My Martinis, French Connections, Black and White Russians, Godfathers, Screwdrivers, Old Fashioneds, Dark'n'stormies... Did I just dream them?

>>18832197
do we *have* litre of cola?

>>18820544
That style got really trendy like 10 to 15 years ago based on an even earlier trend in 70s europe, especially italy, where guys would modify the pretty unaggressive standard bikes of the day to be more like contemporary racing motorcycles, low and sharply curved back bars, aerodynamic tails, etc

it's played out and will get you laughed at now, and shittily done ones show up for sale regularly at a nice chunk under what a unmolested example of that model would be worth

>>18819391
one seltzer in a plastic cup please

>>18819391
gimme some FUCKING BAMBUS

>>18819391
Apple juice, my fine sir.

>>18832135
Diffords is incorrect here. An actual cocktail should be showy - like a cock's tail.

>>18832459
They aren't cocktails if you use fewer than three ingredients. Do you want an award for pouring one liquid into another? Furthermore,if your White Russian or Old Fashioned has only two ingredients you are not making them correctly. Thirdly, two of what you listed are literal highballs served customarily in highball glasses.

It is a poisonous social attitude to want to excuse service workers from doing their own jobs, and far too common in the USA. Tending bar is incredibly easy and an utter privilege of a position; I have done it long enough to know.

>>18819391
Bailey’s Irish Cream, on the rocks

One water please