/ck/ - Food & Cooking

>>18669449
I have never made a mistake in the kitchen before.

>>18669449
Why are you wasting time on homemade stock?
Fuck it no one actually cares if you use store bought or sachet. You really don’t need to waste your time with this shit for someone who won’t care anyway
>>18669466
I kneel

>>18669449
I have never cooked shrimp properly in my life. Every time I try, I end up with a stomach ache because it turns out I undercooked the damn things

>>18669474
it is literally the easiest shit in the world put a bunch of shit in a pot or a slow cooker and walk away for 5 to 24 hours. getting the greatest exent of sustenance from your food is a smart move but i guess that's hard to comprehend if you're a dumb nigger

>>18669583
how the fuck

I broke the very tip of my knife off, then over the years of being lazy and storing it in the drying rack of my sink the tip has bent back and made an annoying metal loop that gets stuck when I slice stuff.

>>18669664
>Take them out of freezer
>Put them in bowl and defrost
>Pour it into pot of stew when done
Thinking about it now, it's because as soon as they're defrosted, I pour them into my stew and expect that to do the cooking for me, instead of frying them in a pan

>>18669449
I was making corn on the cob but instead of boiling as the directions called for I crammed each one up my ass

My dad sent me this after I told him about brining chicken to make it juicier.

>>18669749
you are a dumbass, please use a skillet first

>>18669749
Presumably youre saying you pour raw shrimp into a finished pot of stew and think it’ll be cooked?
First of all, who the fuck puts shrimp in stew? Second of all. If youve done this lazy ass retard shit multiple times and got sick each time, why the fuck havent you tried literally anything else?

>>18669898
that is fucking awesome

>>18669773
Chocked on my cheezits

>>18669749
That's not how you make gumbo, yankee.

>>18669449
Tried making tripe once. It tasted like literal shit and the whole house smelled like diarrhea for a whole day

>>18669749
Holy fucking imbecilic retard

>>18669449
>making broccoli cheddar soup
>par boil broccoli in salted water
>reduce it a great deal to get more broccoli flavor, add stock to it
>don't cool it enough
>add hot stock to my mornay sauce made from bechamel and melted cheddar
>cheese instantly separates and clumps
>soup ruined
always make sure your stock is cold/room temp bros

>>18669921
>>18670044
>First of all, who the fuck puts shrimp in stew?
I was making Nigerian stew and put it in while it was still cooking
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7rF1K2TH2Gw
>why the fuck havent you tried literally anything else?
I kept adding more oil each time because I thought that would cook it better

Speaking of oil, that reminds me of another fuck up
>Trying my hand at fried ice cream
>I've fried other things before so I think I know what to do
>Make batter, dunk ice cream in it and immediately put it in the oil
>immediately melts into a gloppy mess inside the oil
>mfw
Turns out you're supposed to batter it with corn flakes and freeze the ice cream balls overnight

>>18669449
I've strained tea and coffee into the sink before like this

>>18670423
>makes literal black people food when you could be making white people food out of sea creatures
Pitiful.

>>18670450
Don't bash it until you try it, it's delicious with rice
Also, please tell me you took this pic and we'll be getting an alligator cook-along thread

>>18669449
no one can be this dumb
thats a staged pic, he just placed the strainer over the sink after

>>18669449
>be a teenager
>grab a yogurt form the fridge
>grab a spoon
>stand over trashcan
>peel lid
>lick lid
>threw away the yogurt
>lid still in my hand
it took me a short while to realize what exactly was wrong at the moment

>>18669449
I'll admit I'm the furthest thing from a chef but when making stock aren't you supposed to simmer it until no tissue remains on the bones?

>>18669449
>Friends birthday
>Bunch of us hanging out drinking
>Pretty buzzed
>Friend asks me to make him chocolate cake for his birthday
>Sure why not
>Start measuring everything out and mixing
>Pre heat oven
>Pour batter in pan
>Bake
>Take cake out
>Let it cool
>Cut it up and serve everyone
>In unison everyone spits it out all saying how the cake is really bad its salty
>Wtf try a piece
>Instantly realize I forgot to put sugar so it tastes like salt baking powder and bitter coco

>>18669474
Why do anything at all?
Why not just lie on your back staring up with your mouth open, hoping insects will fly in as a way of obtaining nutrients?

>>18669474
Homemade stock is definitely better, the difference is night and day. That said, if you’re going to make homemade, you should be roasting the bones first, not like OPs version of just boiling everything.

>>18669449
I browse /ck/ not because I like cooking but I like seeing good food. I am the literal worst cook on the planet. I have burnt spaghetti. Not a joke, I thought it would wilt into the pot, but it was too hot and burnt the noodles.

>>18669583
buy them precooked. i've never bought raw shrimp.

>>18669449
>decide to make spatzle after going to a german restaurant
>figured I had a utensil to make the noodles
>didn't
>spent 30 minutes hand stretching jizz noodles poorly

>>18670855
>>spent 30 minutes hand stretching jizz noodles
not the jizz noodles...
did it come out good at least?

>>18670762
Thank god you posted a frog so nobody mistakenly took that post seriously.

>>18669898
>he doesn't know about cold sous vide

>>18670875
The flavor and texture was exactly like I wanted, but they looked like restaurant noodles that were conjoined in the womb and spontaneously aborted

>>18670641
Fast food, chefs unable to get on TV and everything called "goyslop" is looking at good food?
Enjoy the rest of first day here

>>18670641
You’re supposed to add the spaghetti to boiling water and then wait for however long the packet says.

>>18670508
i've done this, i admit

>>18670855
same thing happened to me, so i just piped it out of a ziploc bag.

I'm trying to figure out why the little Oxo nonstick pan I just got keeps catching on fire when I'm just cooking sausage at medium heat

>>18669449
I had to fry something, I think it was clams so I heated up oil in a skillet and put the frozen clam things right into the hot oil and stupid me I was only wearing underwear and some hot oil popped out and a drop hit me right in the chest, I still have a small scar from that. That tought me to not do something stupid like that again.

>>18671186
Damn, is it a big scar? What's your cover story if anyone asks about it? That you got into a fight or something?

>>18671198
Naw, it was from like 25 years ago, it's just a little scar and nobody would notice it unless explitcly looking for it. Even I don't notice it unless I'm looking.

>>18669449
Probably that one time I made Soup Nazi's Mulligatawny and added too chicken broth so when it reduced it was way too salty.

The other time would be when I made 8 lbs of garlic Smashed Potatoes (Cooks illustrated recipe) and my arms got to tired mashing it so I ended up with a bunch of lumps and under-cooked garlic

>>18671198
No cover story, I just go honest and just say I was stupid and shit happens.

>>18669583
they only take a minute in boiling water to cook
are you sure you don't have a shellfish allergy?

>>18671226
A similar thing happened, I was making mashed potatoes and went to put a little salt in it and the whole top of the container came off so the whole thing not only went off onto the taters but I tried to get the salt out to correct it, well that didn't work out. That was a mess so had to be trashed. That's why I always hold the top when putting salt onto stuff now and check it before and after to make sure that its secure and going to come off in the middle of nowhere.

I burnt the shit out of my arm once from a hot oven, I had a really good oven and was using both racks so of course just wearing underwear again took the stuff out of the top rack, put that aside, then didn't slide the top rack back in and grabbed the bottom rack and my arm went right into the top rack. That was a harsh burn and looked really horrible. Strangely enough it healed up really quick with no scar.

>>18669449
when I made tonkotsu I strained the bones after simmering for the first 15-20 minutes and I felt like I was committing a crime, but it's what people do to clean the bones

>>18670989

>>18670989
As Judge Judy might say, "coulda, woulda, shoulda"

The funny thing with this stuff is that is the old saying is really true, hindsight is 20/20

>>18669449
He also left the meat on the bone. Pouring it down the sink was the best outcome.

>>18671230
Oh no, I'm not allergic. I've had shrimp before, I've just gone about cook them wrong

I didn't know ginko nuts are poisonous in larger quantities and bought them because they're suspiciously cheap. Worst week ever.

Was making some slapped together post workout meal of eggs and pancetta yesterday, I figured I'd toss in some onions as I had about a quarter of an onion left from the previous evening.
Started melting butter in the pan to soffritto the onions then realised I could have cooked the pancetta first and then cooked the onions in the pancetta fat. I felt a fool.

>>18669449
Pissaladière

As a teenager alone I decided to make pancakes. Mixed eggs, milk, some salt and poured it into a hot oiled pan. Only when the mixture began to bubble and the eggs began to coagulate did I notice it didn't look quite right as I had entirely forgotten to add any flour.

>>18671601
I always wondered why people add flour to milk omelettes

>>18669659
this

>>18670635
also this, except add ginger too, roasted bone broth/stock with ginger is a game changer. It has a beautiful taste no supermarket broth/stock can come close to.

>>18669921
I'm not even memeing bro, the heat of the stew cooks the shrimp.

>>18670508

>>18669773
Not as uncommon as one might think.

>cooking with the GF
>she has both front burners on
>I thought only the left one was on
>set a tupperware dish straight down on the right burner
>it stuck
>she lifts it up and it leaves behind long strings of plastic
>they start to burn
>panic

>>18671564
That's almost looks like a festive holiday British stargazy pie

>>18669672
Why not just hammer it back? Or get a new 20 dollar amazon knife.

>>18669898
Your Dad is a retard or very funny.

>>18670508
I do shit like this often. I'll be putting on my pants, phone in pocket, audio jack into my ear, ear bud into phone. That ones at least monthly.

>>18670508
For me, it's putting shampoo on my toothbrush instead of toothpaste

>>18670855
If you ever have that situation again, spread the dough over a cutting board and shave them thinly into the boiling water, thats basically the really old method.

>pour rolled oats into bowl
>pour water into bowl
>add honey
>microwave
I did this for 3 months before realizing why I wasn't tasting the honey.

happened a few years ago when I worked at my college's kitchen, but I accidently burned a batch of vegan burgers since I got the Celsius and Fahrenheit temperatures confused

>>18669749
I'm sorry for laughing at this anon. If it isn't bait, yes, that's your problem

>>18669449
I once mistook the baking soda for the cornstarch because the foodservice provider puts them in identical containers right down to the color. The blackberry tart turned green and inedible.

Moving to a place with a dishwasher for the first time, I loaded it up and put an equivalent amount of regular dish soap (spoiler: dishwashers use a special soap) to what I would use to clean them by hand, started it, and left to go do some chores.
Came back to find half the floor covered in somewhat dense bubble foam about four inches deep. Luckily, it wasn't that bad to clean up and there wasn't any damage. Good way to generate lots of foamy bubbles if you're short on time.
>>18671464
I did that once too, maybe just a half pound or so at once, but maybe I got lucky. Didn't realize that until just now.

>trying to make meatball subs
>somehow failed to bind the meats, total mess get it all over the place
>told the family they'd have to settle for something like chili sandwiches
>had to eat all the leftovers myself
They really wanted that, too.

Last weekend, I very nearly screwed up two loaves of rather involved gingerbread due to writing the recipe out like a tard and not separating ingredients for the bread and glaze. I ended up with a cup of confectionery sugar in one and turned it into a liquid after a few minutes in the oven. I dumped it in the second batch as well but caught it and started over.

>have electric stove
>place small pot of water with 2 eggs on
>set stovetop only a 3
>dumbass figures "if I cook it low for a long time it'll be a softboiled egg"
>go take a shower to pass the time
>forget about eggs ENTIRELY
>sleep easy as always
>middle of the night wake up to sound of something falling or something breaking
>lay in bed but no more sounds so I go "fuckit I'll check in the morning"
>morning comes and as daily routine I got to kitchen to grab lunch for work
>SEE THE STOVE AND REMEMBER THE EGGS
>stovetop still at 3 immediatley turn off
>water has evaporated and eggs had cooked enough to explode around the stovetop (must have been the sound) and shell/pieces in pot are pitch black
>surprisingly NO SMOKEY BURNT SMELL

>>18673641
>turned green and inedible

I guess you didn't like it when it was angry

>>18673783
Its a miracle your house didnt burn down

>>18670450
are they ok

>>18673803
It's okay I live in the south, where it's humid enough it probably just changed my indoor humidity from 40% to 20%.

>>18673783
i didn't realize people taking a nap while cooking was so common
i knew a guy who decided to take a nap while making french fries
he burned down his apartment and unit adjacent to him and ruined the two units below them from water damage

>be my friend
>going to make some awesome wok
>put oil in pan, turn on heat
>go back to my room, listen to death metal for 70 minutes
>fire alarm, entire house evacuates, smoke so thick you can cut it with a knife
>be me
>stays in my room playing vidya because obviously the house isn't going to burn down
>goes to the kitchen to make a sandwich an hour later
>can't see shit because of the smoke
>almost walks into a fireman in full gear investigating the kitchen
>he's mad as fuck at me for some reason
>mfw

>>18669466
found the child conceived in the kitchen guys

>>18669449
god men are retarded.

>>18672556
The current plan is to get a longer one and a proper way of storing it

>>18669449
I thought boom boom sauce was the same thing I make in the potty and ruined my panda express. :(

>>18674111
what is wrong with you, anon
how do you fuck something like that up??
on that note, im about to try my homemade cumin yogurt sauce. hope i got the recipe right

>>18673844
I imagine so, gators love being pressure washed.

>>18671564
Now, that makes me sad.

>>18671238
I find it better to add salt to a ramekin, my hand or a big spoon, then add that to the pot. I've dumped it in the pit before too.

>>18674174
What flavor yogurt are your going to cum in to?

>>18669583
they take almost no time to cook at all bro you're either buying terrible quality raw shrimp and not keeping them on ice before you cook them or youre fuckin allergic

>>18671155
do not use a nonstick pan to cook sausage
nonsticks are for eggs
nonsticks are super thin and transfer heat poorly, the sausage drops the heat of the pan quickly because the pan is too light to retain heat and then it burns your shit because the heat transfer isn't even

use a better pan or cook on med-low

>>18671527
>soffritto the onions
this guy's an idiot

>>18674174
Well, I don't like reading no recipes and my uncle told me there wasn't nothing better than some boom boom sauce on the ol panda express orange chicken.

Ever since I was young we always called potty time making boom boom, and so I put two and two together, and let me tell you. I got real pissed at my uncle after that one. He bought me new more orange chicken and fried rice, so I forgave him.

>>18674725
pineapple ;))

>>18670526
What? No, where do you think the tissue goes? It's meant to extract the oils and collagen.

tonight I put a nice pour of olive oil in a pot I'd washed a few hours ago thinking it was dry enough, then didn't just cut the gas and step away, I picked it up hoping I could swirl the water and oil apart or something

nice 2 inch patch on my arm that's bad enough to be actively hurting without being touched, the worst I've burned myself in the kitchen in like a year

>>18670508
Top kek, I did this once while cracking an egg. Threw away the egg and kept the shell

>>18675646
That's why, to be safe, you should always use a woman's ass to crack the egg.

>>18675645
If you'd pre heated your pot before putting oil in it, it would have been dry.

>making dumpling wrappers
>thought they wouldn't stick to each other if I spread some flour in between them
>it worked at first but when I start filling them only the top three were separated
>threw everything including the rolling pin in the garbage
still no dumpling dough in the stores around me and online stores doesn't ship frozen items. sucks

>>18670508
This happens to people with hand grenades.

I come from a home where my mother is a kitchen tyrant who never lets you do anything by yourself. The first time I moved out, I tried to make some pasta recipe with Penne in this horrific underground kitchen .............. I forgot to boil the pasta and threw them in the pan without thinking, I ate them anyway (yes it's actually somehow possible), so I could teach myself a lesson to never do something so retarded again ... thankfully the meat was alright.

>>18675650
.....based?

>>18674834
Wasn't that a WW II thing, put a grenade in a pineapple then it blows up on enemies?

One time I poured rice into boiling water, thinking I was making pasta

>>18675771
I feel your pain, I've done stupid stuff as well.
I suspect that most people do and yet we live.

>>18672216
I've done something similar to this
>buy new saute pan
>want to use it right away
>unbox it
>wash it with warm water while stove is heating up
>dry and throw it on the stovetop
>see black smoke and smell burning
>wtf, I didn't even cook anything yet
>lift pan up
>there was a fucking sticker on the bottom of the pan
AAAAAAAAAAA

Luckily I have a glass top electric stove, so I just bought scrapers to get the burnt shit off

>>18675789
Those drunk decisons do nail all of us.
Looking back with 20/20 hindsight they're really hilarious.

>>18675650
I like the other one better where her spicy brap instacooks the egg.

>>18675798
That's nasty, just imagine the stench

Girl farts never go well

>>18669449
>thinking fucking chicken stock will taste different homemade

>>18670508
>transfer pasta from the boiling water to the sauce skillet
>add a couple splashes of pasta water and mix
>take pasta and sauce in skillet over to the sink
>boiling water still on the stove
>pour pasta into the sink

Not very often but definitely more than once

>>18670547
You could have saved it by making a quick caramel and have them dip it

>>18671464
how fat are you? ginko leaf dew is notoriously nourishing

>>18674834
that's not how pineapple and cum works

>>18675650
>dumb bitch twerks the shell into the pan

>>18669449
Fake. There have been a bunch of these "I was making chicken stock but then drained it into the sink" posts recently because one went viral and now every faggot is trying to copy the original.

>>18672804
Do microwaving honey makes it flavorless?

>>18675858
Eventually I'll be eating it, and that's when it'll work its magic

>>18675650
>now with double the fart flavor!

>>18675951
Yeah dont do that, it'll give you the monkeypox and serious aids

>>18669449
I knocked over and broke my favorite glass I specially imported from japan
thankfully it just got a crack in it rather than shattering so I use it to hold a paper towel roll now
lot of burnt bots, usually just from putting water on to boil and forgetting about it, only a couple times has there actually been food in a pot that boiled dry
getting lazy and cooking a frozen pizza in the microwave instead of the oven so cheese sticks to the plate and then further being lazy and failing to quickly wash it after I have eaten it so it's really hard to get off a day or even several days later, done that one a lot, at one point I just kept putting it off and it eventually got moldly
constantly misplacing my scissors, although all I use them for is opening packets of shredded cheese

>>18675967
That's gay faggotry importing glass from Japan.
At least get glasses from Tiffany where if there's a crack or something you can return it locally without going to some foreign faggot zone.

>>18675974
I think you misunderstand this wasn't a fancy glass it was a funny anime character

>>18669449
Used to always keeping a strainer in the sink (i keep my sink pretty clean), had to move it out because it was getting full, muscle memory tells me pour noodles and boiling water into strainer, took me (luckily) a fraction of a second to realize I was pouring boiling hot water on my stovetop, not much there but still holy fucking retard.

>>18669474
agreed the energy cost alone is ridiculous for what you get out of it compare to just buying it and in the end you basically do the same thing with your self made stock as was done with the store bought stock and add a shittone of salt or else you wont get the flavor out and it just tastes like bland piss water.

>>18675977
Fair enough but remember the egg and your mom will detect the crack, mom's always do.

>>18669749
>The heat from the strew cooks the shrimp

One always thinks they can catch the egg without getting a crack in it that your mom wont notice

>>18673783
thats why you always set a timer on your phone even if you think you dont need it this one time....

>>18676010
>set timer by typing timer into google
>it apparently barely makes a sound because I didn't hear it going off

>>18675690
Put greaseproof paper, baking paper, or cling film between them.

>>18676038
wax paper is best for that

>>18670423
You have to be meming with the fried ice cream thing. No one is that stupid.

Told this story here but one day I was dead tired but wanted to make mayo with my new stick blender that I bought basically entirely for making mayo.
I made it as per instructions, but it came out super watery and thin. I thought I'd fucked it up badly.
Only after I finished cleaning did I realise I forgot the eggs, and also that I could have just kept the eggless mixture as a salad dressing or added garlic and made a dip for fries.
The other one I've also told is when I wanted to make burritos but after coming home I realised the stuff I thought I had I didn't, so I had no tomato, capsicum or onion and ended up making really awful white boomer burritos with rice and meat that just absorbed all the spices/herbs I added without actually taking on any flavour. Was awful.

>>18670423
You don't need to do it with corn flakes, you just need a commercial grade ultra low temp freezer. Way back when I was a kid there was a massive stand alone Chinese restaurant that I think was run by Taiwanese immigrants, they used to do a really awesome Chinese New Year celebration. Anyway, they would let me in the back when it was quiet, which was interesting, could see how they made things. Their fried ice cream was just a massive cooled ball that got dipped into their thin batter. no corn flakes.

>>18675985
20 to 30 minutes on a high simmer using bones you got from something else you cooked/bought is fine for making noodles in.
Otherwise just buy some vegeta stock and use that.
People meme like you NEED to make stock yourself from scratch but they forget that stock only ever exists as a "thing" from restaurants who had offcuts & scraps they could throw together to salvage an ingredient (demiglaze) or make a product for sale from (turning it into soup).

>>18669449
Reddit moment

i somehow burnt water once

>>18676076
I doubt it. The flavor is simply better in well done homemade stock. Make a vegetable stock and compare it a store bought version. Night and day. I say vegetable stock because it doesn't require a long cook time.

You forget about extracting gelatine as well.

Just get powdered beef gelatine and use that if you're too lazy.

>>18676056
>No one is that stupid.
Check out my story about the shrimp
>>18676068
>commercial grade ultra low temp freezer.
Funny story, I actually already have one
Thank you for the advice, anon, least I know what I'm making this weekend

>>18676155
One other thing to think about is how hot your oil can get. It needs to be about 200c/400f to make it work, it's a very short time cooking. How we do it here, this version has no batter coating:
Whip together some egg whites, nothing too crazy here.
Prepare some bread crumbs in a bowl.
Once you start this bit you gotta go fast. Start with a thin piece of cake, or pancake. Madeira cake is perfect. This isn't technically required if you know what you're doing, but it helps. It's a base, where you stick the ice cream onto to start with.
Get your ice cream (soft enough you can scoop it out of the container, you aren't freezing it fully yet), scoop it onto the cake base, then start pushing & rolling it all together. Tennis ball size is about what you want.
Put into the breadcrumb and get the first layer of crumb down.
Then into the egg white & cover it.
Then back into the crumbs for a second layer. Keep it rolled up into a ball.
Then it goes into the low temp freezer until it's chilled.
When ready gently drop it into a 200C/400F hot oil. All you're doing is getting browning to take place on the outside. It shouldn't take long at all. Most restaurants use a wok for this rather than a deep fryer because their deep fryer will be set to a lower setting for more prolonged cooking for regular fried food.
Obviously, this can be a fucking dangerous thing to cook if you're a jack tier retard. Check the frozen ball for ice crystals & dust them off.

>>18669773
An easy mistake to make fren

>>18670355
You successfully made tripe anon

>>18669583
It takes like 3 minutes

>>18669449
Made a cheesecake but didn't grease the sides
Smoked out my cooking class during my finals presentation
made a brick out of caramel

>>18669749
Okay haha yeah that's not going to cook it

>>18669474
>>18675985
These have to be trolls. There's a reason YT home-cook-improvement-type cooking shows always start with the pro chef fortifying the store-bought stock. If you're cooking regularly you make stock with mostly kitchen scraps, so you're "wasting" less than you might otherwise. The energy use is on the same order of magnitude as that in the stock you buy (it's more, because your stovetop will be less efficient than an industrial vat, and store stock is watered down anyway), but again you're using you're own scraps and getting more flavor with less salt.

If your sole concern is energy, then using powedered chicken bullion plus composting your scraps might be more efficient (shipping pre-made stock has huge energy costs from the water weight alone, though the powdering cost is also high, it should be a net savings given usage habits).

>>18676464
>using powedered chicken bullion
Not sure why people still do this when the jello-like stock pots exist. Most supermarkets do their own brand now so you don't have to buy the more expensive Knorr ones. Unlike powdered buillion they're actually made from chicken stock with some added chicken fat, aromatics and flavourings from vegetables, and a couple of stabilizers. The powdered cubes have never seen a real chicken in their entire production and are made almost entirely from MSG and artificial flavourings. The pots are just as shelf stable and take up little space. You could use Better Than Bouillon too which is basically the same stuff. But there is no reason for the dried stuff to even exist anymore.

I was making curry recently and wanted to add egg
Cracked a dodgy egg straight into the pot and only at the end saw that it was rotten with some mould or bacteria or something
It was too late as it had already been kind of mixed in so I had to throw out the whole pot
My dumbass fault for not doing float test or cracking it into a separate bowl first

>>18676227
I don't deserve this spoonfeed
Thanks again

>>18669449
I put orange cordial/squash in the drip coffee machine because I wanted to make coffee that had a taste of orange to it. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking, maybe that coffee looks chocolate coloured and chocolate and orange are good together.
A whole pot of coffee wasted on a dogshit idea.

>>18669449
I was making a sour cream raisin pie for my fiancé and baking the crust first before putting in the filling. I forgot to change the temperature to accommodate the filling and I went to visit him at work while the pie cooked. It was very brown and the crust was burnt.

I also forgot to put in the fucking raisins in the sour cream raisin pie. I was not on my game that day.

One time I accidentally washed my cast iron skillet and the next time I cooked with it the food tasted like the food and not rancid months old oil, it was horrifying.

When I was a kid I misinterpreted "1 1/2 minutes" as "11 minutes 20 seconds" on a microwavable burrito

>>18675977
Off topic but where is this character from it gets my dick pretty hard

>>18672804
I don’t get it

>>18669449
For my cooking final exam, I cooked my family spegetti and meatballs. I made the meat balls so thick I got everyone sick. They lied so I got a 90 percent.

>>18676903
>>18675977 >(checked)

Seconding for teh sauceage.

>>18675951
>>18676914
I think the honey was being diluted in the water and then some of the water boiled off or got absorbed. Whatever the reason, you can actually taste the honey if you add it afterward.

>>18676903
>>18676966
how clumsy you are ueno-san, it's about that girl using wacky inventions to try and seduce the guy she likes

The secret to a good stock:
Use a mix of chicken neck and chicken frame. Drumsticks and wings are fine. Boiling prime meat cuts won't actually get you a better stock, if for whatever reason Maryland, whole chicken is cheaper use the Chinese/hainan essence method.

Grill the chicken under an electric grill, it helps to crush the frames between two chopping boards if your grill isn't powerful.
Don't worry if the chicken isn't actually cooked, so long as you browned it that's fine.

While that's grilling cut up your moirpoix. 1/1/1 brown onion, carrot/ celery.
You may use celeriac or reduce the carrot.
Dice these roughly and don't have any concern if they aren't perfectly peeled.

Cook the diced vegetable in a bit of oil, add some fresh herbs of your choosing (traditionally bouquet garnis).
Add the chicken whenever that's kinda browned, if you failed to brown the chicken add it anyway.
Add the juices from the chicken, a few bay leaves and whole peppercorns,a ton of water then bring to the boil, then reduce to a simmer. When it's done stain off the liquid into another pot

You can do all this in a pressure cooker if you like.

While this seems time consuming it takes me 20 minutes because of how often i do it.

There is no "finished" stock, after a certain point you're just boiling the water out of it. My advice would be to freeze it in ice cube trays then empty the trays into a freezer box. You can then use the cubes exactly like you would commercial stock cubes

>>18672804
>>18675951
>>18676914
Depending on how long you heat it, the honey+water would break down into a simple syrup (though it usually would need to be in a mild acid to catalyze the reaction, if the water's boiling for a while that'd be enough to do it. You'd still taste some of the complexities that make it honey, but the makeup of sugars that is characteristic of honey would be completely different.

Heating honey on its own does nothing. When you heat honey in the microwave, with or without a drop of water, to get it flowing, do it on low heat (not that it matters on most microwaves) in 10-15 second pulses.

I tried to do /ragusea/s meringue recipe. Problem is I literally never eat eggs. I don't know how long this shit lasts in the fridge (Euro eggs, not washed American eggs). I just know it was a couple weeks between me being them, and using them.
So I didn't cleanly separate the egg white from the egg yolk. Then when I tried to mix, they just didn't create a nice foam or whatever, it stayed a kinda semi-soup. So what emerged from the oven were pathetic hard, flat meringue cookies.

But then the stomach ache started. Now, I literally never get food poisoning, but I guess this was it. The pain was 90% when I finally vomited.
I guess the eggs were expired or whatever. Already took too much mental effort for a food ingredient I never eat.

I got pushed by a Hawaiian Ghost and it threw the only deserts left for a huge party into the air
>be me enbd of evening feeding a large group of german guests. Pull sheet tray of creme brulees off rack and slowly walk towards table. No one is in kitchen and nothing around me. All of the sudden I get pushed really hard and the whole tray of deserts goes flying across the room. Try explaining that to your Boss and the rest of the guest who didnt get dessert!

>>18669449
Today I shattered my glass lid since I decided to try to save time cleaning it right after usage and my running water was accidentally cold.

>>18669749
this is unequivocally bait

>>18669449
I ate 4 pound of cockle in a single sitting.

>>18678635
theres your problem ya Rag fag

>>18678708
>Try explaining that to your Boss
What would he think, that you threw the desserts into the mud on purpose? That you smuggled the creme brulees to an accomplice to sell to sugar addicts on the street corner at a huge markup? That you stuffed them into your shirt and purse a la I Love Lucy?

If your boss lays any kind of blame on you it's because they are understandably pissed at the situation, as it's a fuckup for both of you and reflects bad on his rep, and there's nothing either of you can do about it -- so he may say some irrational things at first. He's only a complete brainless asshole if he holds the incident against you personally like a grudge for weeks, or expects compensation from you for it, or some shit like that.

>>18669449
>first time frying rice
>just dump freshly cooked unwashed small grain rice into the pan
>didn't even heat the oil properly first
>stir stir stir
made mush

I fucked this up pretty hard. It shouldn't be that color

>>18669449
>try making fish
>mitteleuropa represent, we basically never eat fish
>igotthis.jpg
>jean pierre says a child can do this
>easy peasy lemon squeezy
>buy frozen fillet
>it's not completely defrozen, no problem
>lightly dust the fillet with flour
>the thin layer of ice within starts melting and creating lumps with the flour
>whatever, a child can do this, throw it in the pan
>out comes monstrosity with lumps of watery flour in some spots flaking off, in others it sticks to the fish making these disgusting concoctions of raw flour stuck to piece of fish
>the texture is something like chewing on probably what wet sand would feel like, throw everything away
I have literally never in my life fucked anything up this bad. I can't make any seafood. I tried several times now with fish / shrimps etc, and it's never really good, but this one was a disaster on a whole new level. Anyway fuck fish and fuck seafood, I'm sticking with beef.

>>18679052
Jean Pierre is an elitist dickhead. Fish is a pain in the ass, I don't care who you are

>>18679070
I want to correct my dumbass. I was thinking Marco Pierre

>>18679077
Yeah I was surprised, because Jean Pierre is a really great, down to earth guy. Anyway I'm giving up on fish / seafood, the once a year we feel like we want it we will just order it somewhere.

>>18679104
It me, Pierre guy. Don't use frozen next time, do fresh or at least make sure it's thawed. You'll be able to tell when there's no ice on it. I believe in you

>>18679166
>fresh fish
>in Mitteleuropa

>>18678806
I swear to god man it's real, I'm seriously that dumb

>>18669466
You forgot your image, champ.