/ck/ - Food & Cooking

Not food but liquor
I was 13 and my aunt was shacked up with her boyfriend at the time. I was chilling with him and he says the neighbors taking him to the store and asked if I wanna go, I said sure. We arrive at a liquor store and he's like "you want booze? cuz i'll get you some booze" I didn't know what I wanted, told him just get whatever.

When we get back to the house he gives me a handle of vodka. So then we're sitting in his room and he's working on a 6 pack while I choke down sips of vodka. He's showing me the pop culture shit he likes. And I hear this sound on the floor next to me, like quiet glugs. I look down and the bottle of vodka is on it's side and creating a massive puddle in his carpet. Guess I didn't put the cap on properly. Like 70% of the bottle is gone and I barely even have a buzz. Thankfully he didn't seem to notice. My cousin comes home and sees the bottle and she's like "god damn you must be drunk as fuck", and I was freaking out a bit because I thought she might tell one of the responsible adults like my mom, as that's a life threatening amount of alcohol for a 13 year old who's never been drunk before. Either that or they would realize that I spilled the shit all over the floor, which would be pretty embarrassing.
Well noone really thought anything of it and the guy just passed out for a day or 2 and I didn't get in any trouble

>Be 17
>Mum and my friend have the same birthday
>Mum goes away for birthday
>Friend comes to stay
>We get pissed up on Friday night
>There's a big ass plate of spag bol in the fridge
>Put it in the microwave to reheat
>Drop the fuck out of it as I remove it from the microwave
>Most of it goes on the floor and some on the bench
>Wipe what's on the bench on the floor with the rest of it
>We grab a couple forks and lie on our stomachs and eat it after removing the broken plate
>At one point he gets a piece of glass that looked like it was from a light bulb in his mouth
>No blown bulbs anywhere in the house

One time I dropped a bowl of cream of mushroom soup after I took it out of the microwave so I didn't get diner.

>>18010645
what the fuck? how the hell could anyone not notice a bottle of basically petrol fuming up the house? what a bunch of drunks

>>18010713
jesus christ what

>>18010756
many such cases

One, two, three, four, five

Five named clive

I grew up in small town USA. My dad was a really abusive Vietnam PTSD case.

One year when I was 6 or 7 my dad took me up to the town common for "Founder's Day" (a local public fair day, replete with carnival stands, marching bands, etc). He never used to buy anything when we went places; one year we even went to the circus and I didn't even get a soda, nevermind food or a toy. This year a founder's day he bought me a hot dog, plain, with just mustard. I immediately dropped it in the dirt. Now what a lot of other kids never understood was that when you have a mental case as a father, any misstep or any misbehaving resulted in a beating. So of course in the middle of public I stat screaming and crying in fear of what he would do to me.

He restrained himself, just grabbed me by the arm and dragged me back to the hot dog stand where the lady there, somewhat concerned, gave me another hot dog for free. I carefully lifted it to my mouth and it rolled out of the bun and landed right in the dirt in front of everyone. He immediately started hitting me while I screamed.

I just remember a state cop who was also eating a hot dog almost put his hot dog down to intervene but he just turned and looked away. My dad dragged me back to the car and we left to go back home, where I stayed in trouble for about a week.

>>18010936
You should unironically do something really fucked up to your dad if he's still alive

>>18010953
Eh, I just don't bother calling him on his birthday or father's day or anything

>>18010936
>abusive Vietnam PTSD case
Just set off a bunch of firecrackers outside his out omin the middle of the night kek

>be me
>work ER
>get called to run brain function test
>cat 1 which is super cereal
>gtf in there
>old lady with bruising and back of head caved in
>wondering what of fuck
>check pt notes
>pt was at a family gather when someone accidentally fumbled a cheesecake off the balcony above her
>hit her right in the back of head and sent her head to the porch
>no idea on follow up because pt was no longer my pt after the doc took over

>>18010550
It was my cousins confirmation, we were both 14. Big party, had a few beers and at one point went outside to get some air. His mom (goodlooking, I always got a crush on) csmd to comfort me, I vomited up on her nice dress.
I later found a toilet, woke up, thought I was alone and start'ed maturbating, and suddenly uncle 'Bob' walked in and started sucking me dry. He then handed me a 50 dorrar and kissed me on the forehead and said it was our secret moment.

>winter morning
>what a great day to shovel the snow!
>finish up, lean the shovel against the wall and go inside
>make a delicious cup of coffee and take it back outside to enjoy the sunshine
>slip on a sneaky patch of ice and fall flat on my back
>like a ninja, manage to keep hold of the coffee cup, barely spilling any coffee
>get up and place coffee cup on the window sill
>snow shovel against wall falls over and smashes the coffee cup on the sill into pieces

>>18011115
kek

you did good anon but god still dislikes you

>>18011127
It was some Final Destination shit. If I was Chinese the coffee cup shards would have flown across the porch and sliced my jugular then something would have exploded.

>>18010645
Trailer park tragedy

>>18011142
Maybe you’re just a retard

>>18010936
Ungrateful little shit, dropping not one but two hot dogs, you deserved that beating (and a lot more).

>>18010756
>Cream of mushroom soup
>Dinner
Nigga that soup is basically just gravy, you were gonna eat straight gravy for din din, lmao @ your life

>>18011205
It used to be my favorite food as a child

>>18011190
oh anon you always say that

>>18010979
yeah then he starts shooting at him and blows his fucking brains out

>>18010979
My sides.

I accidentally dropped a scoop of ice cream once that landed on my aunts shoe. I immediately started crying and she got mad and said I'm being wasteful and ungrateful and that this was the last ice cream I ever get unless I'm finishing it. She basically held me emotionally hostage until I licked ice cream of her shoe while crying. I haven't talked to her since it happened, over a year ago.

>>18011547
>over a year ago
what? how old are you

Tried to catch a flipping, falling wok I use using as an ad hoc deep fryer with the palm of my hand.
I succeeded.

Took at least a year for all the visible signs to go away.

>>18011567
*I was using

>>18011567
Good job!
Why were you flipping around a wok full of hot grease though?

I work for a small paper company in PA. I’m a shy lonely guy who doesn’t talk much but I wanted to shine at the office party with my famous chili. After stewing and brewing all day I brought it in, diced tomatoes, garlic and all; just to trip over my big fat stupid feet. Like a retard. The maroon stains bled through me onto the cold shag gray carpet. Bleeding as my forefathers bled on the beach of Omaha. Everyone laughed at me. They won’t be laughing any longer.

>>18011566
37, why?

Not dropped food.... was painting my kitchen with a gallon bucket of white paint and knocked the whole darned bucket off my ladder into the open dishwasher and floor. It was a cluster fuck and a half.

>>18011587
why is a thirty year old man crying about dropping ice cream and then proceeding to lick it off some old hags shoe?

>>18011611
36, not 30

>>18011579
Fell off the element.
Yes it was a disaster waiting to happen.

>>18011616
point still stands, jack

>>18011566
>>18011611
>>18011622
Sure smells like summer

>>18011735
https://youtu.be/TK_z73tVbgU

>>18011808
>the jannies

>>18011811

>>18010550
>be me as a kid
>mom gives me $5 for some mcdonald's while parents are in walmart checkout line
>order a mcrib because it happened to be back
>wait for order
>still waiting 15 minutes later, parents have come up to me at this point
>talk to manager
>they somehow lost my order entirely
>manager offers me free menu item in addition to mcrib
>ask for free fries
>order gets completed, fries are made, go out to parents' car
>as I'm getting in the car, the fry pouch catches on something and all the free fries fall to the parking lot floor
>parents just say something about how god decided I didn't earn those fries even though they're both atheists
this moment changed my life, though for better or worse I cannot say

>>18011842
it changed your life?

>>18011874
It was a religious experience

>>18011115
Needed this laugh

>>18011874
Why wouldn't it change his life faggot?

>>18010936
you really went and dropped the second one too?

>>18011943
>browbeating a 6yo

>>18012080
The only brows I beat are the ones on my meat.

>>18012080
Let's be honest, he deserved it and you would have done the same.

>>18011063
imagine getting killed by a cheesecake, thats such a pathetic way to go

>>18011205
>you were gonna eat straight gravy
You wouldn't?

My dad always likes to tell this story but I don't really remember it as it happened to me when I was 4 or 5.

>dad brings me and my brother to work for what I'm assuming is bring kids to work day
>I'm 4 and my brother is 8
>it's midday and my dad brings us to taco bell for lunch, his everyday lunch spot
>excited because I get to have orange soda (this was the peak Keenan and Kel era mind you)
>get our food and dad fills up a large cup of orange soda
>hands it to me because he knows it's my favorite
>"don't drop it"
>follow dad and brother as they sit down
>sipping on the soda while holding it by the top lid only (pic related is the top view)
>cup drops from the weight of the soda, spilling orange soda all over the place
>standing there holding the lid, straw still in it, with my fingers
>dad facepalms

Could only imagine the look on my face as it happened.

>>18012837
Technically you didn't drop it.

Don't know if it counts but

>go on a tinder date back when algorithms weren't completely fucked and an average guy could still get matched with someone pretty
>on the day of the date go to a local somewhat fancy bar and grab a table outside
>she arrives and looks even prettier than on pictures, a gorgeous brunette with green eyes
>feeling very nervous but gradually ease into it with time
>table is a bit shaky so at one point I accidentally lean on it and spill my cava on my trousers
>fuck
>go to the bathroom to clean it up, order a new glass and come back
>10 minutes later do the exact same thing, spill my cava on me AGAIN
>think that the date is pretty much over now after that
>come back and realize that she doesn't really mind
>notice her getting slightly cold
>grab a plaid (this is Sweden so all the bars outside usually have those because temperature goes down quite a lot during the evening) and wrap it around her shoulders
>she asks me if I'm also cold, so I move closer and get under the plaid with her
>as this was on the side of a lively street we start people watching for fun
>move my hand and grab hers under the plaid, sit like that for some time and share a moment
>randomly start passionately making out
>after darkness falls we move to a different place and carry on making out, basically one step away from ripping clothes off each other
>she says that she should go soon, gotta work tomorrow, I ask if I can follow
>she seems ponderous so I give her some time while going to the bathroom
>come back and she tells me that maybe not tonight but she had a good time
>gives me a very passionate kiss while grabbing my thigh, practically touching my balls
>go home
>pretty much ghosted the day after, never saw her again

>>18012910
What a cunt, should have just raped her desu

>>18012954
Swedish, and especially Stockholm women are the worst. No logical thinking, no responsibility, high promiscuity and entirely emotionally driven decision making. It happened so many times when I started making out with some girl, exchanged numbers/instagram only to be left out cold once the moment is gone. You either go home and fuck on the same night or never, sad but true.

>>18010550
>be me
serving at pizza hut. and I'm clearing a table. must of been a family of 5 or 6, good group. Happy to serve them hoping for a good tip.
I set a full marinara dipping cup on a slanting plate and it falls. they way all of that sauce went on to the man of the families white recent vacation t-shirt instead of my shitty pizza hut uniform made my heart sink.
I could see my tip going down the drain. luckily my best bud was the manager that night and had them laughin' when he comped the whole bill
I still got a decent tip

>>18012910
sven is an incel because hes too much of a clumsy bastard hahaha