/ck/ - Food & Cooking

smile confidently.

>>17943991
A bump of coke

>>17943991
Open my spice cabinet.

Checkmate cooklets.

Hold a knife

>>17943991
Add a Knorr stockpot

>>17943991
Not much.
I've had my own house for going on three years but my wife (Mexican heritage) handles the majority of the cooking, and is a picky eater, so anything I serve up she doesn't eat. As a result she cooks or I buy takeout.
When left to my own devices I usually just take canned meat (tuna/spam/salmon) to a pan and fuck around with it. I can also do eggs/bacon/sausage.
The most "advanced" thing I can probably make is a sub using nothing but Boar's Head meats & cheeses/condiments/lettuce/onion.
Pick related is what I ate 99% of the time prior to getting married and often since.

10 course dinner with wine pairings instantly

I show you my burned, scarred hands

>>17944026
this.

Get drunk

>>17943991
Mainline a Knor Stockpot

>>17943991
Wa la!

>>17943991
according to experts, i need to make runny scrambled eggs on toast with a garnish

>>17943991
Throw a pan from across the kitchen into the dishpit.

>>17943991
nothing. it's my choice, really

>>17943991
Based on my experience of watching Jamie Oliver's 15 Minute Meals, I would turn on the oven to pre-heat it and put a kettle of water on to boil.

Cook some well seasoned and flavored mashed potatoes using fresh herbs, side of two veggies again fresh herbs and spices, and a medium rare steak.

>>17943991
Panic and start randomly naming kitchen utensils and meals I know how to make by heart.

take out a hard boiled egg from the fridge, bought prepackaged from the store of course
grab some sliced cheese from the deli
smash them together in my mouth
wa la

now if youll excuse me i need to go sleep for 16 hours

>>17944622
Why did I kek so hard at this lmao

>>17944015
>allowing your wife to bully you out of your own kitchen
why are you such a cuck?

>>17944003
> Pre-ground spices,
Anon, I....

try to name a dish without mentioning jackie chan and fail miserably

>>17943991
Say "There is no possible way I can cook a proper meal in 5 seconds."

Throw some shit on my gyroscope

>>17944876
FINALLY
CHICKEN GYRO

>>17944876
the heat of the grill cooks the chicken

>>17943991
Snort a stock cube

>>17943991
Pull my little sisters dress and underwear down and gaze at her hairless holes.

>>17945020

>>17943991
Steak tar tar.

I can make a decent recipe and understand how it could be improved to God tier levels

>>17943991
All you need to know is how to use a frying pan and boil water

>>17943998
>>17944004
>>17944014
>>17944026
>>17944381
>>17944383
>>17944399
>>17944583
>>17944677
>>17944856
I believe you.

Personally, I'd just tie an apron cholo-style and tell him I only fuck waitresses.

>>17943991
Just show my previous work.

Take off my pants

>>17945536
sup with the piss jugs?

>>17944026
Get closer, smell my fingers bae... ;)

>>17945923
From the top:
Cold extract vanilla
Rendered duck fat
Apple butter
And 11 gallons of apple cider

>>17945536
It's okay. I like the pumpkin bread.
WTF is the piss jugs?

>>17943991
"6 minutes in boiling water for runny yolk"

>>17943991
I'd whip up a batch of my lowertheageofconsent muffins. Delicious.

>>17943991
I have a bag of muffins in the freezer. Some homemade bread, too. I could pull one of those out but there's not enough time to toast the bread or heat up the muffin.

>>17943991
Grab a clove of garlic and make about 20 thin slices out of it.

>>17943991
Freeze in anxiety and forget how to function

I grab some salt and sprinkle it in the most awkward way possible getting all over the place. he will be impressed

Add a Knorr stockpot, to the trash can.

>>17943991
Lick the tips of my fingers before I start

>>17943991
>my dear mother used to be italian
Done

>>17944003
If those spinny things are called lazy susans, what does an active susan look like?

>>17943991
i can make 32 macarons in less than 5 seconds.

>>17943991
say "i can cook"

start pacing the kitchen and muttering to myself and looking over my should every few seconds as if I just saw something cringeworthy in a film or tv show

>>17944026
This. Got some nice rack/sheet pan burn scars.

>>17943991
Tell whoever asked to fuck off or suck my dick and balls

>>17945536
You should get punched in the face for "pumpkin bread".

>>17943991
>What do you do?
Put some tendies in the air fryer of course

>>17946703
>>17946204
Asked and answered

>>17945536
P I S S J U G S
I
S
S

J
U
G
S

>>17946886
>used to be
Huh?

>>17947543
Yeah she started out Italian but now she's turned gay

>>17943991
"An old English fella taught me how to cook"

>>17943991
smoke a marlboro red in 30 seconds
stare blindly into the highway traffic the entire time
walk back in and move in a trance for 4 hours
repeat 2 or 3 times and i know you can cook better than my grandma

>>17943991
Make myself vomit everywhere so you can taste the last homecooked meal I made myself.

>>17944387
Whats the point of the fucking orange peel on that pitcher of nigger-aid?

>>17944014
i lold

>>17943991
Calmly but firmly state that I ain't no bitch

>>17947861
Mah nigga.