/ck/ - Food & Cooking

big menu

when you realize the waiter seated you in your own dinning room.... wait a second is that MY dinnerware?
you look at the menu and realize it's just your shopping list... the price? absolutely free...
the cook? your own mother
you are a child and will eat what you're served or you will get no dessert and will not leave the table

>>17527210
Meds now

>>17527210
Based
>>17527203
If nobody is smoking a cigarette out back while muttering to themselves about how much they hate their life and want to quit the food is gonna suck

>>17527203
The smell of melanin

>>17527203
You’re so wrong about all of this
NY diners have everything and theyre great
Every chinese take out has this means nothing in regards to the food
Yeah its a new business and they dont have many reviews doesnt mean anything just take the reviews with a grain of salt.

>>17527220
Wrong usage of the phrase

>have you dined with us before? we do things a little different here…
no, you don’t. you buy food, cook it and serve it for profit like every other place in town. unless the next words out of your smug fucking mouth are “the booze is free” or “you must retrieve your meal from a cage full of hungry lions”, shove your “story” about two rich dudes who bought a restaurant up your ass and bring me a basket of bread

>>17527203
Minorities anywhere but BOH, unless they’re serving a specific cuisine. Any amount of blacks, just go back, you certainly won’t get good service or any peace. Nigs have underdeveloped/non-functional frontal cortex so you’re basically dealing with monkeys that are treated as humans.

>>17527203
>he actually trusts online reviews when 1000 likes/followers/whatever can be aquired for $5 sent to the right pooinloo clickfarm

>>17527233
>NY diners have everything and theyre great

Not everyone lives in NYC, dingus.

>Every chinese take out has this

The grubby ones do, especially those that function as take-out only. Others have a designated dining area furnished with scenery shots, kitsch Buddha/Budai statues, bamboo or Pacific Island kitsch. A few places have more class than that, but an American-Chinese joint being kitsch isn't necessarily a dealbreaker.

Bottom line: if you can't sit there comfortably and eat your meals fresh, then it's not worth eating.

>Yeah its a new business and they dont have many reviews doesnt mean anything
>just take the reviews with a grain of salt.

You're only right on the second point. The one occasion I'm referring to involved a supposed "Irish pub" that was actually a low-end American restaurant with absolute shit-tier meals. Had to go to a Moe's to wash off the stink of that meal. Until I had blasted the joint, the local townie wives unanimously praised the joint for its dishes. That place was wretched start to finish. Moreover, the place had been open for years, so that argument doesn't fly either. The joint just didn't get reviews because it's located in a dumpy rural town in the border of NH.

>>17527210
based japanese cartoon enjoyer

>>17527620
It's from some show?

I mean, you're guaranteed 80% of the time to avoid bad places just by looking at the interior. is it gross? would you feel welcome and safe, a little comfy or a lot comfy? from there, you should enjoy your food. assuming you aren't a picky child.

>>17527624
no, I just think he'd be the type to watch a shit ton of cartoons

Any place that has stupid names for stuff

>Well fuck my ass and call me a Buttered Biscuit (3)
>Holy moly, I can't believe it's Jam Roly Poly
>Martha's Creampie Surprise

>>17527594
It's generally easy to filter out the shills from the genuine reviewers.

First, you have to study the reviewers and see what other joints they reviewed. If the reviews are from all over the place with no photographic evidence, the odds the reviewer is a hired shill increases. Check if they reviewed other joints near there, too.

Second, study what they review. What are the items they talk up? Are they accurately describing the dish they've eaten. Check the tone and cadence of their reviews, too. "Gushers" tend to be the worst because they're obvious tourists who don't know what the fuck they're eating.

With a little discernment, you can find out if a joint is worth going to.

>>17527627
Not true. I've been to very comfy places where the meal was mediocre. While it's true that a poorly furnished or unclean joint is likely to serve bad food, a place kept in order is simply meeting a baseline standard

>>17527203
big menu
cheap prices
typo's in menu
bottle of wine allready on the table

>>17527203
Old patrons only.
Old people tend to go to places with mushy bland food.

Wypipo eating there, you just KNOW the food will be bland

>>17527651
really? are you SURE that place was comfy? like "no doubts in your mind" comfy?

>>17527643
>hey anon, wanna to go that place?
>maybe, let me just spend 2 hours going over all the reviews first
The whole point of a score is to not have to spend half an afternoon trying to judge wether reviews are credible or not.

>>17527714
I have no idea what sort of place you live in, but where I live (southern New England), a cozy place is just meeting a baseline standard.

>>17527726
Journalists who write for local rags are even less credible. At times, finding a reliable reviewer is a Sysiphean task, but once you do, your dining experiences are assured. Yes, it kills spontaneity that you seek, but it also makes sure that every dollar you spend is worth it.

I'm sorry Ukraine, but it was fucking delicious

>>17527203
>If a server who's obviously not new can't name what the patrons enjoy, just order appetizers to be polite and then excuse yourself
stupid
the waitress being a dumb bitch for 3 seconds has no bearing on the quality of the food the chef is making at that moment. The server might be being a dumb bitch for a million reasons that have nothing to do with the quality of the food

>>17527203
little skinny mulatto girls with frizzy curly hair serving tables, or the head bartender is wearing anything other than a button up.

>>17527948
>the waitress being a dumb bitch for 3 seconds has no bearing on the quality of the food the chef is making at that moment

That's not the point, you retard. A waitress who's worked at a restaurant for any length of time SHOULD be able to name the dishes most commonly ordered and note the patrons' reception to each dish. This is a wholly fair question. Nobody's demanding that every server try the dishes personally to give their respective takes.

>>17527791
>but it also makes sure that every dollar you spend is worth it.
which might be a concern if you are, like, poor. not being poor would enable you to go out and make your own experiences but that would probably be too tall of an order.

>>17529673
The people who are truly rich treat their $50 investment as seriously as a $50k investment.

The mentality you describe are that of poors and lower middle class.

When the food is bad. Nothing else really matters.

>>17527203
Lots of crying children
ESL wait staff and or rude
Caters to the douchebro crowd
Long wait times
Dimly light environment
Small portions

>>17527628
I haven't watched television since 2006, but it is a dreamscape themed shitpost which may well be represented in anime

Menu is more than 1 page long (not counting desserts/drinks)

>>17527651
>While it's true that a poorly furnished or unclean joint is likely to serve bad food, a place kept in order is simply meeting a baseline standard

From working in kitchens, I agree. A good restaurant is a clean restaurant. And having soul or pinache is no excuse for a dirty kitchen. If you can't bother to keep things clean you fail at everything else.

>Red Flag
Cheap bar stools in a recently redesigned or reoped space that look like pic related.

>oddly not a red flag at all

You are in the third world and the outdoor cafe has the ubiquitous white molded plastic chair.

Any time the fish and chips is labeled as “whitefish” you can guarantee it is going to be some shitty Vietnamese cheap fish or Pollock

>>17527210
i lol'd

>>17527203
The most obvious one for me is if the staff can't recite a few good options off the top of their head.
Almost always a shitshow every single time.

>>17530004
>when the waiter just grabs your menu and starts reading shit verbatim

>>17530016
I have waited for them to finish talking and left while they went to go get water.

>>17529456
which can be a red flag for that one (1) shitty/new waitress but isn't indicative of the whole dining establishment or their food, which is really all that matters

>>17529868
I love you for it. quite a lot. not many people have what it takes to create that. you've got a pretty high power level. kudos.

>>17527203
When you go into a restaurant during routine lunchtime hours of 10:00 to 13:00 and the place has few or no patrons present.
Went into a Mexican restaurant back in 2019 with coworkers around 11:00. The servers were playing cards as no one else was present.
The food was below subpar, think frozen dinner tier.

>>17530004
>>17530016
>>17530026
That was my point in the OP, but these guys got butthurt about it.
>>17527948

>>17530362

>>17527203
Old people

Female waiters. Instantly makes the place look low class and the service is most likely shit.

>>17527203
cash only at a place where nothing costs less than $5

>>17527203
No Mexican dude in the back cooking is an instant warning sign.

>>17527203
there are no chinaman in the chinaman restaurant.

>>17527210
lynchian

>>17527203
>muh variety is bad
Yawn. Okay Gordon.
>Chinese restaurants with pics of food
Are you retarded?

>>17527210
Kafkaesque

>>17532088
See
>>17527615

>>17527203
Go on opentable the day of the meal and see how many timeslots are available for a party of 4-5 for same day and/or the upcoming Friday

>>17527203
>waitress only speaks english in a non-english speaking country
on another note, I'd rather have a waiter than waitress every day of the week
They are always more considerate of the guest

>>17532138
Most reservations at nicer places are made for 2. So it isn’t uncommon for restaurants to have more larger-party openings available.
One of my favorite local spots uses open table, and there’s always more openings for parties >2 than there are for 2.
And it’s fun watching people try to play the “well there was gonna be 4 of us, but 2 canceled at the last minute” there. They’re politely told that the bar is open seating, or they can be put down for the “next available table for 2”.

>>17532162
I find this to be often true as well.
Coolest damn waiter I ever had was at a high-end Italian place which a VP for my employer took my team to on a business trip.
Elderly Italian man, dressed to the absolute T, polite and proper.
He prepared the dressing for our Caesar salad tableside. As he was cracking the eggs, the idiot wife of one of my teammates requested “uh, I’d like mine without the raw eggs”.
The based old man paused for a moment, looked at her, matter of factly said in his thick accent “No. You cannot have the Caesar without eggs”, and went back to preparing the dressing.

>>17529817
dont forget your metal straw buddy

>>17527640
I hate this shit so much. No fucking adjectives in names of dishes unless it has specifically to do with how they're prepared.

>>17527653
to add, places with a senior's discount

>>17532200
>you have to eat all the eggs
based waiter

>>17527210
I'd eat here

>>17532200
That dude sounds based. I'm guessing the food was great

>walk into a restaurant serving French cuisine
>the wine list is 99% California wine
Instant red flag. If you're springing for "authentic" French ingredients and charging a premium, at least carry French wines that actually pair well with the food.

>>17533558
That really just makes you sound like a winelet, anon.

>>17527203
if there is more than 1 "vegan" item on the menu.

if guy fieri ate there.

it's a chain restaurant with crap tons of random stuff on the walls.

The staff stops what they are doing and breaks in to a song and dance routine.

the waitress sits next to you while taking your order.

The staff doesn't write down your order.

the music is so loud you cannot have a conversation or they play music at all.

they push wine, booze, or beer.

there's a store attached that sells old fashioned candy and random garbage.

some retard salts your food by bouncing it off his elbow.

>>17527203
any place that is cash only

i don't care how rural you are, if you are doing cash only, you are probably also money laundering and your food is shit too

>>17527643
That sounds like a lot of work. Who the hell cares that much about eating? It's like gassing up your car

>>17527643
photos have no bearing on anything.

if someone is doing a review and they seem to be in a blind rage about anything at all it's fake.
if the majority of reviews are good and not fake sounding and there is one 1 star review about the food being shit and the service is terrible it's fake.

conversely if they are gushing and using words that no normal person uses in a normal conversation (awesome, amazing, fantastic, incredible) it's fake. no restaurant is ever worthy of those words.

if someone's review is a description about how much their husband loved it (it's fake).

>>17527203

Female waitstaff and black cooks.

>>17533593
this comment outs you as a fucking retard. firstly, wine pairings ought to be matched regionally with the cuisine. secondly, nobody anywhere else in the world gives a shit about american wine because it is trash.

>>17533707
oh yeah and french whine is so much better!
>germany won't go away...
>germany took over my country...
>I am le tired...

>>17533707
https://www.npr.org/sections/thesalt/2016/05/24/479163882/the-judgment-of-paris-the-blind-taste-test-that-decanted-the-wine-world

>>17533755
>muh Judgment of Paris
>let's just conveniently ignore the fact that modern American wine is full of chemical glop and tastes NOTHING like the California wines of the 1970s
found the winelet

>>17527643
I just ignore all the generic 5 star reviews

>>17533593
>t. palate of either a child or an obese boomer, I honestly can't tell

>>17533707
>wine pairings ought to be matched regionally with the cuisine
No fuck off.

Also more than 3/4 different meals is a significant red flag, you're probably getting frozen stuff.
If you can't change an ingredient from a meal when ordering you're actually getting frozen stuff.

>>17527571
>he's never been to a good waffle house with an A+ black grill dude fueled with sweat, love, the need to generate child support money, and the burning desire not to go back to jail

>>17532126
See
My Asshole

>>17533707
Lol holy shit could you be any more of a fake-ass faux snob?

>>17533791
>t. treats wine like a fashion accessory
>thinks accusing ”y-you must be like young! Or old!” doesn't out him as a retarded zoomer
Okay, Brayden.

>>17527203
>For Chinese joints, pictures of food on the wall. This almost always spells trouble.
I always found this to be a charming point. The more old and faded the pictures are, the better.

>>17527222
you'd have to start talking to them first though, then allow them to start muttering 'to themselves'

>>17527203
>Irish pubs that don't serve curry chips.
You wrote all that stuff just to slip this pajeet meme in here? Fuck off streetshitter

>>17532251
FUCK I FORGOT AGAIN, thanks though. Crazy fucking day.

>>17533777
your tears are as watery as european wine.

>>17529817
Ah yes, when I want all of my beverages to taste like stainless steel.

>>17529696
No they don't

>>17533630
>if guy fieri ate there.
Thats not fair there's a diner in my town that's really good and he happened to go there

>>17534147
Curry chips rule. Fuck you.

>>17534383
fucking forks and knives making my food taste like stainless steel

>>17534383
Fucking stainless steel pots, pans, ovens and kitchen tools making my food taste like stainless steel.

>>17527210
Most mentally sound /ck/ LARPer

>>17527210
based

>>17529862
dimly lit is kino

>>17533630
You can just say you don’t like Cracker Barrel

>>17535483
It’s not Irish food, retard. Like going to an Italian joint and finding Mu Shu Pork on the menu

>>17527203
The presence of foodservice delivery trucks.

An instant dealbreaker for me is seeing a foodservice truck making deliveries to a particular place, especially if it's a Sysco, Aramark or Thomsen truck. You just know the food is going to be warmed over crap the storeowner ordered from one of those wholesalers. To call any storeowner who does this a "restaurateur" would be an insult to both restaurateurs and their establishments.

>>17534393
I actually meant if it was on diners drive ins and dives.

>>17527203
>walk in more than an hour away from close
>staff already vaccuming and wiping down tables
>everyone working looks like they're about to hang it up for the day
>ask if they are still seating tables
>"yeah I guess sit wherever you want"
guaranteed shit service

>>17538212
I went to a triple D spot in Atlantic City and it was absolute garbage

I went to get sushi with my Girlfriend on Valentine's day (got to see one of those crazy looking dudes who wears black slacks black dress shirt and black vest with no jacket and long black hair it was lol) and before I noticed every person in the restaurant was Mexican and not a lick of Japanese it was too late. Worst Sushi I've ever had fucking christ mexicans learn to make good sushi