/ck/ - Food & Cooking

I used a shitty tamale as a fleshlight once

cannibalism

>>15314532
This still haunts me even though it was an accident
>Be me
>Makin spaghetti
>Cooking the homemade sauce to perfection
>Draining the high quality noodles
>Serving up my plate
>Reach for the powdered parmesan cheese
>Accidentally grab powdered coffee creamer
>Not paying attention because I'm listening to music so I don't realize what I've done
>Sit down and take a bite
>mfw I want to die at 5000 mph

>>15314532
https://voca.ro/18LfFXbmOrOf

>>15314845

>>15314845
Thank you /ck/ Voocaroo anon, very cool.

>>15314532
I've cooked ethnic foods. I apologize appropriating other cultures.

>>15314532
I microwaved bacon the other day

>>15314845
Vocaroo anon, you got a great voice. Can you please read the "For me it's the McChicken" shitpost?

"Ghetto Alfredo"
>slightly undercook pasta
>drain, reserving some pasta water
>add pre-shreaded pepperjack, cheddar, and montaryjack cheese
>mix with butter, add hot pasta water as needed to melt cheese

Best enjoyed alongside a lot of jim beam and miller lite

>>15314845
good lord man
does ranch go well with a monte cristo tho

>>15314541
Nothing tastier than chicharrones made from baby skin

>>15314532
My girlfriend puts canola oil on toast and I feel a searing pain in my temples when she tries to convince me it's remotely edible

Always leave out parsley since it doesn't make a difference, same with bay leaves

Putting this in my carbonara

>>15315436
Seems like the cheese would immediately break into an oily mess on top of adding butter.

I frequently buy premade garlic paste, minced garlic or anything similar I find and use 2-3 spoons of it whenever I cook a single portion of food.

>>15315864
thats some nasty cheese

I use bottled lemon juice and pre-chopped garlic all the time

>>15315864
I swear I recognize your dick from somewhere. Have you done videos where you jack off on camera? If so, nice dick, faggot.

>>15314532
Used cream of mushroom soup on noodles with some coarse chopped bacon and passed it off as carbonara

>>15314567
serves you right for using powdered parmesan instead of fresh grated, faggot.

>>15316488
With or without beans?

I rinse my mushrooms.

>>15315870
Shhhh

>>15315436
>montaryjack
Technically this is a spelling sin but fuck it, that's part of the list.

>>15314532
I cut the veggies after the meat on the cutting board sometimes

Reason she's my ex.

>>15314532
Once I forgot the cream for my carbonara.

>>15316692
>she

How big was his cock, bro?

making pudding

i put carrots in my jambalaya

>>15316735

>>15314532
Once made some risotto with aborrio rice that was riddled with weevils.

I bought some premium smoked salmon and cooked the life out it. AND I LIKED IT.

I once opened a can of tuna fish with a screwdriver and drank the oily stuff before putting the tuna on bread of toast slithered in mayo.
yum

>cook the entire dish
>everything seems fine
>taste test
>bit bland and watery oh fuck
>stir in a bouillon cube when nobody's looking
>this tastes great anon, and from scratch too!

>>15315864
That is quite literally the least aesthetic penis I have ever seen.

>>15314532
>be stupid kid
>making fry bread
>pan gets too hot and starts to smoke
>panic and experience a sudden brainfart
>try to cool oily skillet with cold tap water
>ivemadeahugemistake.gif

>>15314539

What? What's the story behind this?

>>15315474
Out of everything this is the weirdest

>>15314539
Greentext pls

I like putting ketchup on my eggs and potatoes in the morning

>>15316586
This. Your real sin was actually this.

I used my rabbit stock for chicken noodle soup the other night. Shit was bomb and everyone loved it but it felt like a sin.

I've put good knives and cast iron in the dishwasher.

>>15320695
>using the dishwasher at all
is this a white people thing? I just use mine as more dish storage

>>15315436
That's way more close to the original "Alfredo" than the shitty cream you american buy at grocery stores

>>15314567
Used to add powdered coffee creamer to mac and cheese to 'richen' the flavor and texture. One time grabbed the splenda instead and didnt realize until i took first bite. The dog liked it when i mixed some in with his food for the next few nights

Fresh failure

>Most recipes I encounter say simmer while stirring occasionally
>This one just says simmer for 30 mins
>Well I guess I don’t have to stir it then
>20 minutes later I check on it
>Curry sauce has completely burnt into a solid black mass that is holding all the beef together

Luckily it was a non stick pan so the whole abortion of a meal could be slid out in one piece but goddamn I’m gonna make sure I always stir when simmering

what are some reddit posts you've made?

>>15314532
I ate Spaghetti Bolognese with some hot dads jizz in it

>>15314532
i coveted my neighbours plate

>>15314532
Hot cocoa by microwaving milk and stirring in chocolate syrup

>>15315141
Is Sam kill?

making boxed mac n cheese as a kid and realizing after i cooked the noodles that i didnt have any milk, so i used coconut milk. it wasnt good bros

>>15314532
Eating too much too often.

I told a Mexican how to make salsa cuz his shit was watery as fuck. I don't give a fuck if your Mexican don't put water in your fucking salsa use rehydrated or seasoned water.

>>15315870
The secret is to cook it in as little water as you can get away with. Pasta starch can hold the sauce together

>put frozen pizza in oven
>smell burning plastic
>yep, it's a small fire
>leave oven open, open window and door
and that's how I found out I'm retarded.

Had a baked potato with mayo in it the other night. Had no sour cream so I used butter, cheese, Mayo, ham, fried shallots and pepper. Was pretty fuckin good too.

>>15314845
gross dude even chicken strips?

cut myself and bled on the food then cooked and served it

>>15322295
What sort of curry was it and how high was the element?

>>15314845
Not listening to this attention fagging nonsense, type words like the rest of us, queer boy.

>>15314532
pic related but it was a jew

>>15316722
>cream in carbonara
Get out

>>15324268
Sounds terrible man

>>15326123
This. Don't ever, ever serve me some schlopashit without cream in it ever.

>>15314567
>powdered parm

You deserved it.

>>15327696
oh no! not the powdered parm! shoulda grabbed the jizz parm jizzed from shitalian farm animals only!

>>15327701
I mean I already suspected you were a faggot but thanks for confirming it.

>>15317031
They have no idea

>>15325418
That’s just good potato salad

>>15327722
They don't but using stock blocks, mixes, seasoning blends as a crutch annoys me somewhat

>>15327721
>b-but thanks for confirming it
Bitching and moaning and crying and eating spaghetti doesn't make you shitalian, loser.

>>15315410
If the bacon is like $5/lb or less, I don't really see the problem with this desu.

>>15327757
my grandma used to microwave cheap bacon
it's got a certain charm ngl

I once paired a 2007 Latricières-Chambertin with a roast guinea fowl instead of using a 2005 Romanée-Conti

>>15329695
It unironically comes out good if you put it between paper towels and set the microwave on 1/2 power. Usually takes 12-15 minutes. I wouldn't do it with my dry cured bacon but that chemically injected and tumbled grocery bacon is fine that way.

>>15319136
Not who posted that but my college drop-out education makes me want to posit that he was probably horny and desperate at the same time. This combination of factors is the cause of much woe on our world.

Almost always thicken my gravy with cornstarch instead of reducing the cream.
Thing is I always buy to little cream and realize it wont be enough for my gravy crazy gf

>>15314567
fuck musicfags who can't do a fucking thing without muh tunes

>>15314532
Ever thinking there's such a faggy thing as a cooking sin.

>>15314567
Why would you go to the trouble of making your own sauce if you're just going to ruin it all with cheese flavored sawdust

>>15325961
Based and keyed.

>>15331146
Kill yourself.

>>15314845
something about you ranch fags, I swear. you people literally are closeted homo faggots
with some kind of narcissistic personality disorder.

>>15314845
i can hear how fat you are

>>15331483
surely making semen pancakes counts as a cooking sin anon?

incest
also, i only have 1 cutting board

>>15315474
what in damnation

I served a steak with whole pepper kernels to my family. My Dad broke his molar. Tried to blame me even though he is missing half his teeth.

>>15314532
when I first moved off campus and started cooking for myself I thought a clove of garlic was like the whole bulb. So if a recipe called for 2 cloves I would spend like 40 minutes preparing 2 bulbs or like 20 cloves. Then when I was told I was wrong... I kept doing it anyway.

>>15317031
just make your own stocks pussy

>>15324268
should've just put more butter and used water
yikes

>>15331839
you have a cutting board?

>>15314532
I deep fry chicken in extra virgin olive oil.

The taste is fucking amazing.

>>15332041
sounds based
more garlic more better

every time I mess up a dish slightly I put all the food in a plastic grocery bag just loose and all, then tie it up and dump it at a public trashcan

>>15327725
Maybe without the cheese and butter. It's no secret that potatoes and mayonnaise go together well.

I was making boxed mac n cheese and had no regular milk left so I tried to substitute with some almond vanilla milk. Shit.

>>15331146
>Gravy
>Cream
Choose one and only one...

>>15314567
>using powdered coffee creamer
That is a truly great sin

>>15332041
Lmao

my biggest sin, letting someone use my cast iron
>roommate knocks on my door
>"hey anon, I just bought this really nice steak and I bet it would come out better if I could use your pan, do you care?"
>begrudgingly allow him to use the pan, explain some of the nuances
>50 minutes later the smoke alarm is going off and the house smells like shit
>run downstairs to see my empty pan billowing smoke as it sits on the burning on high flame.
>ask what the fuck hes doing
>"im burning it till its clean, thats what you do isnt it?"
>look at my poor pan, steak bits and extra seasoning are completely black and basically welded to the bottom of the pan
>contemplate murder

>>15315407
DAS RITE

>>15315410
Did it get crispy?

I stole candy from a man with a traumatic brain injury.

>>15315857
Bay leaves actually have flavor

>>15332226
not the poster but I have also microwaved bacon. Didn't come out crispy but it firmed up after I let it sit for a bit. That was also that shitty precooked stuff too, I was just using it for a quick snack

>>15315857
same. fuck do I look like some sort of botanist? Anyone who keeps jarred leaves in their house is a faggot

>>15324268
Now you understand the problem with vegans and their appropriation of words like “milk”

>>15332041
Your breath must be the stuff of legends

>>15332271
it was pretty brutal back then. I remember one of the first semi-challenging things I tried was Sheppard's pie and I put an ungodly amount of garlic in that. I had garlic burps for like a week.

>>15332041
>spend like 40 minutes preparing 2 bulbs
learn from Marie, she'll have that shit cut, cleaned, shucked, and sliced in 3mins flat

>>15332221
Buddy you can’t ruin a cast iron. That’s the whole point. Just clean and re season

>>15314845
Whats the best kind of ranch

>>15332041
t. Van Helsing

>>15332303
you cant ruin the pan but you sure can make a mess and fuck up the seasoning.

>>15332304
Cattle Ranch

>>15332301
who the fuck is marie? was there sposed to be a link?

>one of the first times cooking on my own
>decide to cook up a beef roast with cut up potatoes and onions in the pan
>put it all in the oven for about 1 1/2 hours at 375
>take the pan out of the oven
>most of the potatoes and all of the onions are burnt to a charred crisp

Roast turned out pretty good though.

>>15332304
kens steakhouse ranch

>>15332340
Kek. I always roast my vegetables in a seperate pan.

>>15332337
Sorry anon I didn't know you were new here

https://youtu.be/lI2lWuoMV3I

>>15332350
yeah I dont frequent /ck/. Thanks.

>>15314532
Not me but my mom made chocolate cake and meatballs after working 12 hours for a work function. Called ended up with onions and the meatballs had chocolate cake batter in them. Best part was no one complained and the meatballs disappeared

>>15332343
Boo. No.

>>15332343
The correct answer is homemade

>>15332435
I mean sure, homemade is best but who has the time. I prefer to bathe my nuggies in a bath of Ken's

>>15325155
I've left the card support under the pizza while putting it in the oven twice.

Sufficed to say I'm not a smart man.

>>15332374
Absolute incel wow

>>15315474
I think she has covid

I like to get drunk off my ass and order Thai food delivery with an extra side of peanut sauce, and then go to the bodega hungover as hell the next morning to buy these to dip in the leftover sauce

>>15317660
In these cases you remove from heat and gently add more oil to bring down the temp safely.

Not as bad as my bf laying a steak in hot oil towards my direction resulting in oil splashing on my legs.

>>15315857
>parsley since it doesn't make a difference
Anon, you may want to check your tastebuds, they surely aren't nornal

i thawed frozen shrimp with hot water and ate it. it came back out an hour later

I don't get a seared bite from the impossible Whopper.

>>15333532
No sin has been committed my son.

>>15315474
at least beat her or something

>>15325970
top kek

>>15331146
kys

>>15332154
spoken like a true tastelet

>>15314532
I boil my ribs before broiling them

I used to jack off in one of my exes food sometimes. Mashed potatoes, Mac and cheese, strong enough stuff for her not to notice.

Sometimes the shampoo bottle of hers if it was nearly empty.

>>15314567
You should've died at 500mph and rid the world of one less powdered parmesan customer

>>15314845
You sound fat honestly

>>15324300
Do you know salsas also vary from region to region in mexico?

i have no fucking idea how to cook. I eat sandwiches 2-3 times a day most days

>first year uni and starting to get into cooking
>decide to try making no-cream traditional carbonara after watching babish
>have never cooked pasta before, not even craft dinner mac n cheese.
>"pasta water as salty as the sea". I dont know how salty the sea is, proceed to dump about 7 tablespoons of salt on my pasta water.
>Dont know about pasta portions either, literally dump 75% of picrel
>notice how much fucking pasta i actually put in once the pasta is cooked
>think its fine since ill just eat it all.
>put the eggs in, fuck up the temperature badly and get solidified scrambled eggs
>taste the pasta. Saltiest shit I've ever eaten.
>"its fine ill just persevere and eat this shit instead of throwing it away"
>finish a quarter of the plate
>"Oh god its not fine"
>throw the rest of the plate away in shame
was a pretty good lesson desu, i never fucked up with seasoning again as I know salt and pepper to taste.

>>15337093
worst feeling in the world is laboring over a dish that winds up tasting like shit. Sounds like you learned a good lesson though.

>>15321456
no, it's a middle class and up thing

>>15314532
I cooked a ribeye well done

>>15314532
White pepper instead of black pepper in marinara

>>15336988
KYS?
Kiss your sister?

>>15337093
"picrel"?
what in the fuck

>>15332304
ram ranch

>>15321456
You chinese?

>>15337759
Your sister gave me a blumpkin.

>>15338011
Cowboy cock pilled

>>15331163
Keyed, based, redpilled, you win the internets, epic, 1337

>>15332221
Add a little bit of water, coarse salt, and baking soda to the pan. Use a paper towel turn that into paste and scrub it good. Rinse and repeat until the paste doesn’t get as dark after. Then re season the pan. Maybe bring your roommate in to see the consequences of their actions. Teach that knobhead something that will help the both of you.

>>15330785
What was your major?

>>15339549
Coomology And Modern Society

>>15324262
I think he's just busy with college