/ck/ - Food & Cooking

>>13913310
Aesthetically that looks terrible but probably tastes pretty good. As for me I generally mess up anything to do with baking unless it's brownies or cheesecake. Bread is a nightmare for me but since I've had time recently I'll be joining the recent trend of trying to actually bake a loaf.

tried to make poutine once

>>13913380
With shredded cheese?
What were you thinking?

>>13913380
bro...

>>13913380
I would eat that.

Gotta aerate the crust, not like any rando has that tool. Probably tastes just fine, which is the point.

One time I thought I was gay and about two seconds after I started sucking sone dude's peanus weanus, I decided I wasn't really a gay anymore. But what was I supposed to do? I had already started; I had to finish.

>>13913384
thats all they had

>>13913310
salt instead of sugar
>>13913380
get me high i'll microwave that and eat it

>>13913380
Very modern art.

>>13913310
It wasn't actually my "cooking disaster
" but it was a fucking mess. I asked somebody to watch the grill for 3 stinking minutes while I went to pee and came back to a total flame-out. I could have killed, that day. Stupid fuck flipped the ribs with sauce on them and woosh! Fire everywhere. $30 worth of ribs blackened

>>13913447
making cheese curds is really easy tho...

>>13913310
In college I thought I could make "weed eggs" like people made weed butter by just throwing that shit into the pan. I got green, watery eggs that tasted like weed. Choked them down, and felt nothing but depression from wasting $20.

These are the people buying up all the flour

>>13913896
>people legit don't fucking do research when dealing with drugs
Look, I'm a lazy pot smoker like the rest of them, but fucks sake you can literally research the mechanisms of this shit and not waste money and time by being THAT lazy of a dumbass.

>>13913959
>>13913896
kill yourselfs

>>13913384
What's the difference between curds and shredded?

>>13914010
Curd are freshly made cheese. No aging whatsoever. It's soft and supple and cubes up very easily.

>>13913310
Definitely seen worse pizzas on here, all they needed to do was shred the cheese and add more than one kind, shape doesn’t matter unless it’s restaurant or for more than a few people
>>13913380
This looks retarded, why didn’t you just use less gravy you sped? Couldn’t stop pouring from the parkinson’s?
>>13913749
>asking someone stupid to watch the grill
That’s practically asking for them to touch it
>>13913896
I remember some faggot giving us “weed honey” and he tried to convince us it was wax or some shit, we smoked all his weed and ate all his honey, good times

>>13913310
Tried to make flourless milanese, used sunflowerseeds, but didn't know that you were supposed to remove the shells so ended up mixing them with the shells, fucked up my blender and also the milanese tasted like shit and the breading hurted my mouth lmao

>>13914045
what would I do with the other half of the can? save it for later aka never and its spoils

I decided to up my cooking game, and spent a while working out the proper way to make scrambled eggs. I made a large batch using a new method that turned out awesome. I went all out on it, with peppers, sausage, mushrooms, the works. I showed my then-girlfriend what I had learned, and she threw out the whole batch because it wasn't the started-out-as-a-fried-egg, way-overcooked abortion that she makes. She scraped the whole pan into the trash. I didn't get to eat any of it. I refused to make eggs for her again after that. Several years went by, and she coerced me into making eggs for her again. She fed them to the dog. She is now my ex.

>>13913310
Piss off with your survey questions, why not answer it yourself instead of asking others. What are you compiling shit like an underlying cunt?

>>13914010
Curds are chewy.

>>13914074
have you never eaten or seen someone eat sunflower seeds before? I thought that's common all over the world, rednecks eat them in america right?

>>13914146
She sounds rotten

>>13914146
What a keeper.

You're well-shot of that obviously nasty, rude, self-entitled bitch, man. I'd be your breakfast buddy, anyway.

>>13914146
>cook something to share with someone
>they take one look at it and throw it in the trash without even letting you eat it
who the fuck does this shit? shoulda been insta break up right there

>>13913310
Tried to make a deep dish pizza once. It didn't end well.

>>13914197
There were times that I spent hours working on dinner, not counting research and prep beforehand, and she ordered pizza or similar right as it was about to come out of the oven, even though she's lactose-intolerant. Have you ever been yelled at for not wiping under a burner cover while you're cooking on said burner, mere minutes after the spill occurred? I have, even though I always clean there when I am done.

This thread isn't about that, though. It's about fun (in retrospect) mishaps. One time I was cutting a Thanksgiving-leftover sandwich for her into the shape of a turkey, and it fell apart badly. Sort a mush-sandwich. I prefer the sailboat cut, myself.

>>13914237
Should have been, but abuse is a funny thing. Hard to get away from for some reason. I finally managed it after six years.

Not mine but from a friend, from what I can remember he was trying to cook potatoes in a pan or some such and ending up with this fuckin' mess.

>>13914260
How are you this spineless. My fiance would never dream of pulling anything close to that shit.

>>13913380
Looks fine

>>13914120
>>13914120
You could’ve made more fries? Or another form of potato? Or Salisbury steaks? Or really anything else? Idk why I used question marks? I guess I’m a faggot?

>>13914330
These sorts of things erode your soul.

>>13913380
Did you still eat it how was it?

>>13914146
Holy fuck I would loose my mind. If she didnt want them thats fine, but dumping out is fucked up

>>13914146
this is how domestic abuse starts

>>13915221
>starts
That's not the beginning, that's knee deep territory

>>13914313
That looks fucking awesome

>>13915225
i meant anon starts beating his gf so i guess i should have said domestic violence

>>13913380
parasitic worms in shit
congrats

pepper spraying myself by tossing sliced seeds-in habaneros into hot oil without thinking.

I tried making Monkey Breadfor the first time for a few of my friends. Didn't know whether it was done or no but it looked done so I got it out of the oven.

Some tasted it and said it tasted good, so I thought Mission Accomplished.

Friend who has more knowledge about cooking said it was still raw judging by how spongy the inside was and but it back in the oven. It was much better after baking some more.

>>13913310
I had a disaster today courtesy of "The Food Lab." Tried to cook a roast with the meme temperature measuring - came out completely undercooked. To add insult to injury the final step involved putting the roast back in with the oven on max. Which of course set off my smoke alarm. So a raw, burned roast. Delicious.

>>13914146
I would beat her after that, only way whores learn their place.

>>13913310
look tasy af i dont get whats wrong
i eat with my mouth not my eyes
looks like a fat pizza

Put oil instead of water in a steamer; the moment I lifted the lid the pan caught alight.

>>13915037
People talk like that all the time. Drives me fucking nuts.

>>13913310
I sometimes added soy sauce to chicken so I figured why not just add it to beef as well. Had to throw out a perfectly good piece of beef because it tastes absolutely horrendous. I guess I shouldnt just throw ingredients together without a plan.

>>13915037
>>13918069
It's called a rhetorical question. In this context you're indicating that the answer is obvious, and you're questioning the need to even supply one.

I seared some chicken (seasoned ofc) and then cooked it in with the liquid from canned chicken noodle soup. Shit was the saltiest thing I’ve ever tried. Had only been learning how to cook for a week at the time.

Once when I was like 10 I put a cup noodle in the microwave and had a brain fart. I put in 30 minutes and then just forgot about it. The styrofoam cup was melted

>>13914010
curds are squeecky and chewy and wont instantly melt, while you know what happened to the shreds

hi randy

>>13913310
>>13913380
These don't look so bad TBQVH.

>>13914260
You didn't deserve to be treated that way anon. I'm sorry about that.

I was once making hard boiled eggs and forgot about them. By the time I came back all the water evaporated and the eggs were exploding. There was egg shell and egg all over the walls and stove

>>13913380

Pizza is the easiest food to make. How do you even fuck it up that bad?

>>13918801
Yeah, you literally just take it out of the box and put it in the oven. as long as you set a timer it's basically impossible to fuck it up.

>>13914146
This is what you get for associating with 3D women.

>>13915775
haha hit women over eggs haha strong man haha no ounce of maturity haha internet woman-hater

>>13915322
What's Monkey Breadfor?

Listening to /ck/

>>13913310
Back in sophomore year of college I went on a two month long trip to Hamburg to learn German, so I was living out of a college dorm/apartment complex. I had to learn to cook on my own if I want to eat something beyond fast food. I decided on frying some french fries circular. When I went to dump the wet potato cuts on hot oil the pan caught on fire and I literally threw it out the window.

>>13919956

I was just talking with somebody about what another person could do to deeply offend me and I said throw something in the trash that id cooked for them.

It’d take all my restraint to not beat the shit out of somebody. They’d really deserve it.

>>13920005
Not much, you?

>>13919956

I was just talking with somebody about what another person could do to deeply offend me and I said throw something in the trash that id cooked for them.

It’d take all my restraint to not beat the shit out of somebody. They’d really deserve it.

>>13913310
>Make an award winning clam chowder
>Figured id branch into other chowders
>Buy mackerel for a chowder
>In a can
>Take it out, fuckin with bones and skin
>Attempt to salvage best I can be the fish is friable and it devolved into a disgusting mess
>Make chowder anyway
>Add too much salt
>Tiny bones in every spoonful because they were still remaining in spite of my effort
I threw out almost all of it within 24 hrs

>>13914074

>Didn't remove the shells

Are you retarded? Do you eat sunflower seeds shell and all? You could've just bought ones without the shells

>>13913310
Once I tried making (((authentic))) spanish rice and it ended up taking hours and I still fucked it up by putting to much vinegar or oil on it. My gf at the time was pissed

>wanted some melted cheese to dip some crackers into
>grab a bowl and put that shit in the microwave
>the horror
>the horror

But I do think that my mom over reacted. She beat me for days and then made my dad beat me. I was only 15 how the fuck was I supposed to know what would happen?

>>13913310
My smoke alarm goes off for like, no reason. I was cooking some bacon while drunk with the porch door open and my AC fan running. It went off and wouldn't shut up so I bashed it out of the ceiling with a steel pipe. A few weeks later I was drinking again and decided to make mac n cheese with brisket in it. I blacked out and woke up in bed with a smokey apartment. Apparently I finished the mac n cheese and was waiting for the brisket to finish when I forgot I was cooking and decided to go to bed. Pic related.

>>13920372
How did you wake up in a smokey apartment? Smoke inhibits your capacity to wake up, which would have already been inhibited by your drunken state. You would have needed an alarm, which you have already stated was absent.

>>13920377
It wasn't like billowing smoke, it wasn't even on fire. It just smelled really bad and in the kitchen there was some smoke.

>>13920372
Reminds me of that anon who fossilised something with a pressure cooker

>>13913310
I don't know about biggest ever but I just accidentally dropped half a fucking salt shaker on an egg and now it's salt with a side of egg, trying to eat it is so bad I want to vomit. I did my best to scrape it off but it was table salt and not kosher/sea so every pore of the egg is saline.

>>13920400
That sounds awesome.

>>13920078
Post recipe.

>>13914146
I've never had to deal with that kind of behavior, thank fuck. My mom had some extended family come over when I was a teenager and one of the little second cousins started throwing a tantrum because she didn't like marjoram(she'd never tried marjoram, just overheard my dad talking about what had been put into the stew) and we wouldn't make her anything else. Got picked up and locked outside in the backyard until she shut the fuck up and apologized. Was funny seeing her dad smirk while her mom looked like she was seething inside.

>>13918801
that's a casserole

>>13920476
I'll casse your role.

>>13913310
Cooked a steak but grabbed sugar instead of salt, started smelling acrid and I realized I literally carmelized the outside.

I was so upset I just went to bed.

>>13913310
I just boiled two eggs and they both cracked.

>>13913380
Are you quite well in the head sir?
>>13914146
I would have broken up with her on the spot holy shit.

I once cooked beans without soaking them first. Worst thing I've ever made.

I put kidney beans on a pizza with alot of other ingredients and ruined it
even after picking off the beans it still tasted fucked

>>13915259
>>13918744
Lol good work anons

For me:
>Halloween night
>Going to party that night
>Know in going to get hammered so better cook a big roast chicken dinner first.
>After a few hours of prep and cooking it's time to take it out of the oven
>Looks delicious, perfectly cooked
>Already in my costume, expensive old timey white shirt vampire costume
>Have been pregaming, a few glasses of wine in
>Put the glass Pyrex directly on the stovetop w chicken and vedge still in. Pour some white wine on to deglaze
>Wait a bit for it to reduce when BOOM
>My ears are ringing, it sounds like an IED exploded
>Gf comes running in as I'm standing in shock
>Glass exploded into a thousand pieces in every direction, veg and chicken full of glass
>Drippings/sauce leaking everywhere including into burner causing small fire
>I'm soaked in drippings shirt and entire meal ruined
>Stay home that night and eat cold cut sandwiches and drink in silence

>>13913310
Yesterday I made pasta that was so disgusting I felt my husband die a bit inside

>>13921124
Did he suck your dick anyway or was he mad?

>>13921113
>>I'm soaked in drippings shirt and entire meal ruined
>>Stay home that night and eat cold cut sandwiches and drink in silence
This is every night.

>>13914074
holy fuck ahahahahaha

When I was growing up I always threw in frozen food/wet food into a hot-oiled pan and wondered why the oils shot out. I made a mess every time I cooked and thought it was just normal cooking procedure to clean up oils that jumped out

>>13921049
Might have been good if you'd tossed it in the oven desu.

>bake turkey
>stuff with pizza
>garnish with nacho cheese, bacon, and Arby's curly fries
>???
>profit

>>13914313
Was he trying to flambé them?

>>13918801
>Burnt crust
>Raw middle
>Bragging about how easy it is

Oh you

I use one of these to check the temp of my oil in the pan, well once i was heating up a stainless steel pan to 350 and idk why but I was doing it dry.

Anyway it took forever to get to 350 but once it did I added the oil to it. The oil caught fire immediately. Smoked my whole house out and set off the fire alarm. Turns out polished metals like stainless don't read right, they read at like 20% of their temp, so the pan was at like 600-700F. Oof.

>>13913380
THIS DOESN'T LOOK BAD

>>13914146
>She scraped the whole pan into the trash. I didn't get to eat any of it. I refused to make eggs for her again after that. Several years went by
How in the fuck did you not break up with her immediately?

>>13922172
>>13914146
for real. I would have smacker her with the pan. why do YOU feel like you can throw out food I made for ME?

>>13913310
I left a thickass lasagna noodle in the frezer in a bowl water. Got a lasagna ice statue

>>13921124
Black people fucking suck at cooking. Every time I see a picture of a plate they made, shit looks disgusting. Even dishes they're supposedly known for like gumbo.

>>13922215
why did you do this though?

>>13914146
As someone else stated that's how domestic abuse starts. Good on you for getting out of that.

>>13913380
HP Lovecraft would be inspired.

>>13921085
How did you drop them in the pot? Were they room temp or cold when going in? Did you buy good eggs or nigger eggs?
I was prepping tuna salad with egg for the first time and cracked four of the fucking things before I figured out how to get them in to the pot nice and slow.

>>13914146
Thats fucking horrible. good on you for managing to leave even though it took so long. Thats why I say its important to have hard cut-offs. Stuff that if someone in your life passes that threshold, you just instantly delete from your life ASAP.

>>13914313
What the fuck. There's a fucking demon ghost in the microwave. Were these potatoes straight from Hell?

>>13920314
The hell kind of cheese did you try to microwave? It shouldn't ever catch fire.

I burned soup once as a kid by forgetting about it on the stove. Still haven't lived that one down even though it's been probably over 20 years.

>>13913310
I wanted to cook the hot dogs for my birthday, I was young and had the grill to hot, the ones on the hot spots were black and the ones on the cooler spots were burnt enough that they could be saved.

>>13922790
You can't ruin a hot dog unless it's crumbling into dust. Black or not, it's edible.

>>13922790
actually I remember the worst is probably when I exploded a bowl in my hand while making mac and cheese, I had made 1 bowl and then I washed it out with hot water, after a little bit I wanted about batch so I put noodles in the bowl and then water from my fridge, hot bowl + cold water = boom, thing cut my hands up pretty good, took a chunk out of my middle finger so I still have a scar.

>>13921987
>bit of plastic at the end
Is that safe to bake? I've done this before too and it always worries me. I always remove it now.

>>13922952
No matter what official sources tell you, cooking plastic is NOT a good idea.

>>13913310
Pizza stones are shit and invite that. Pizza steels seem to be a lot easier to manage. Or even just plain old cookie sheets, cast iron skillets, or other implements more suited to home ovens.

>>13918801
Maybe but what the fuck even is that thing in your picture?

Tried cooking egg noodles in a pan. The ingredients said to soak the noodles before cooking in pan with the sauce. The fucking thing never cooked. I felt retarded. Never listen to package direction.

>>13922973
>>>13913310 (OP)
>Pizza stones are shit and invite that.
Not at all.
He used more sauce than cheese, and the dough was very thick in the middle. Pizza stones are excellent! They simulate the surface of a brick oven.

This fucking cake.

Worse yet is many people loved it.

>>13923075
That looks delicious, anon. A bit ugly, but still delectable.

>>13922728
Probably Kraft singles

>>13923060
But unless the oven is actually 700+ degrees it isn't simulating the inside of that oven. At normal oven temperatures it isn't cooked before it sticks. Throw in too much sauce and crust and you get that shit from the OP.

>>13923081

Its peppermint bark that super expensive stuff from Williams sonoma. Made into the icing and then covered in it. The cake cost like 3 dollars, the icing and such like 40 bucks.

>>13913310
When I was switching shifts I dveloped a bad habit of sleeping whenever and wherever I sat down. Sadly, I sad down on my couch after I started to fry some vegetables.

End of story: Burn vegetables and I lost half of my spatula.

>>13923094
If people liked it that much, it was worth it. That icing looks amazing to me.

>>13914146
>several years went by
She could have just said she didn't like it and you could have said 'eat it or make your own'. That's disrespectful to toss it. I would have walked and let her starve. Life is too short for self-entitled bitches and that behaviour is a red flag

>>13914330
I believed that you should do whatever it takes to make a relationship work. Now I'm not so sure.

>>13913380
We eat with our eyes first

>>13914167
You're a hypocrite. You make a response on a board asking a specific question then criticise the OP while taking the time to not answer the original question, yourself. You are the person that makes the world turn backwards. You are literally retarded. You are a piece of shit and should just disappear

>>13920021
>Not eating doener kebab for every meal

You squandered your time. "Mit alles, bitte"

>>13920377
He literally said how woke up in a smokey apartment. He did not state that the smoke was what woke him up. Enjoy your Walmart job since you seem to lack basic reading comprehension

>>13913310
Idk what the fuck I was thinking, but when I was 13 or 14, my parents left to go run errands. I got the bright idea to deep fry an egg. So I filled a pan with olive oil (used most of the bottle), and attempted to crack a couple eggs into the oil. The eggs cooked, soaked up a good amount of oil. I pulled the eggs out and put them on a paper towel to strain. My parents came back and got PISSED that I used that much olive oil, and that I attempted something so stupid in the first place. My dad made me eat the eggs. They were fucking disgusting.

>>13921124
How do you fuck up pasta

>>13913380
looks terrible but honestly probably tastes fine

>>13913384
shredded is 100 times better than cruds, you just gotta do it right

>>13913384
Probably got the recipe jack scalfani used

>>13914074
What the fuck.

>>13914313
>Who you gonna call?

>>13918801
>tries to brag but ends up posting something even more disgusting
lmao

>>13918801
I can never get the dough right

my first try at Fried Rice when I was 14 years old

>>13919956
yes
https://youtu.be/7VlInT_Bmd0

Once left microwave popcorn in and left the room for a few minutes. It caught on fire and smoked up the house and completely ruined the microwave. After that anything cooked in it tasted like charred garbage and I had to get rid of it.

Was living in my friend's RV for a week with him. Context: I had never made cup ramen before and hadn't really used a microwave much, still don't really use them
Scene: playing videogames in the RV
>yo tommy is it cool if I make some of your ramen?
yeah anon go for it
>cool cool, how should I do this?
uh just pop it in the microwave for like 2 minutes
>sweet
Scene: me and my buddy playing smash brothers
hey man what's that burning smell
>oh fuck I think it's the ramen

I open up the door and there is just a black puddle of goo. I didn't put any water in it, and the styrofoam caught on fire and melted to the spinning plate. had to replace it

>>13922363
With the spoon. Cold but they did sit there for a couple minutes after I took them out of the fridge. Good nigger eggs. I guess I should start doing the hole in the shell trick, it seems to help.

>>13925307
You buying shitty mass-produced eggs
Shells are notoriously thin because the chickens aren't getting proper nutrition

Made this cake at a party. It was dense as fuck and contained way to much flour, more or less inedible and leaked some kind of fluid on the table.

>>13925637
Kill yourself devil worshipper. Jesus Christ is LORD.

>>13925647
Killing yourself is a sin lordass

Fried squid. First time deep frying anything.

Used way too much oil, fucked up the seasoning (way too much chinese five spice), fucked up the sides. Made it for Mother's Day, ended up eating the whole thing myself and took mom out to eat instead.

>>13922322
dubs of truth

>>13922728
Who said anything about fire?

Mid last year I decided to try and microwave a frozen Pillsbury Grands! Buttermilk Biscuit because I was too lazy to turn on the oven and only wanted one biscuit not 4-6 of them. I used the Advantium microwave oven above the stove because I don't have a normal microwave. Anyways I microwaved it on one side for about 1:30 min and when I took it out it looked fine like it was halfway done so I flipped it and and continued for another 1:30 min. 15 seconds before the microwave beeped I started to smell and see grey smoke coming from the microwave so I stopped it and when I opened the microwave door the smell of heavy burnt smoke blasted me. I got the plate out and pic related is what it looked like. I wanted to see what the biscuit looked like on the inside so I tried cutting it with a plastic fork & knife and the biscuit was so hot it melted parts from both of them (you can see it in the image). For the rest of the day my house smelled like burnt biscuit. I eventually tried microwaving one of them again but they usually come out very hard so I wouldn't recommend microwaving frozen biscuits in the first place.

>>13914146
What the hell? Bro why would you tolerate her for years after that

>>13913310
One time in highschool my folks were out of town for the weekend. I was pretty stoned and we had buicuits in the fridge so I wanted to make some biscuits and gravy. We didn't go shopping before they left. so I substituted milk with powdered milk, I substituted black pepper with lemon pepper then substituted sausage with spam. It was every bit as awful as you can imagine.

>>13923227
you're a good man anon, too good for most people on this earth

>>13914146
KWABCS
(Kek What A Beta Cuck Simp)

>>13919956
You have to eat all the eggs, bitch.

>>13913380
literally looks like a slop O' shit

>>13914146
>throwing out someone else's food because you don't approve of it
Sounds like you did the right thing getting away from them.

>>13914074
this is the worst one yet
>>13914146
obvious larp is obvious

>>13922048
what are you talking about? looks fine

>>13913380
Wouldn't serve it to another person, but I'll be damned if I wouldn't eat it if I made it

>>13913380
pic related is a poutine, yours is just fries marinating in gravy with melted mozarella on top. disgusting.

>>13915755
If you measured the temperature correctly and still thought the meat was undercooked, then you just like overcooked meat. Plenty of boomers feel the same way.

>>13918801
I don't know, Anon, what the fuck did you do to it?

>>13921124
im gay btw not sure if that matters

>>13913411
>Gotta aerate the crust, not like any rando has that tool.

its called a fork. Ricky Retardo.

>>13920021
>learn to cook to avoid fast food
>cooks fucking french fries

>>13913310
Not me but my sister
She is an idiot when it comes to cooking
>thinks cilantro and parsley are interchangeable
>tries to make "vegan" replacements for all sorts of foods that never turn out well
>somehow everything is either burnt or undercooked

Sometimes I don't feel like going out for groceries so I just improvise with what's left in the fridge. Usually that turns out fine because I can cook, but a few times I just had nothing to work with. Let me tell you: when you make Roquefort cheese the main ingredient of your dish, it tends to be slightly overpowering. Especially when there's nothing else to eat but a can of beans.

>>13923349
Yo, based?

>>13919956
why are there so many fucking roasties in /ck/

>>13921113
blame environmentalists. old Pyrex would not have done this